Speaker 0
Into the wild, I'm
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going
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into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home. Into the wild, I'm good. Into the wild, I'm here. It's been a while, freedom child, since I left my roots back home.
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Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative, we'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
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It's been a wild freedom change since I've left my rules back home.
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Nejma is a brilliant black Muslim woman living in Egypt who was quickly labeled high risk in her first pregnancy. Nejma made the tough decision to move back to
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the United States for the birth
Speaker 1
of her first child, and unfortunately, wound up
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having an entirely unnecessary surgical it wasn't until Nezma returned to Egypt that she was invited to sit in a woman's circle, where she heard from multiple women who had birthed freely with just their families. So Nejma tells us of her perfect free birth, where she took her power back and claimed a new space in her mothering, one of full autonomy.
Speaker 1
Yes. My mother journey started back in two thousand seventeen. I was newly married, fresh out of a job, fresh out of college. My background is in pharmacy and I got let go of my job because I have, lupus and kidney disease and it really just took over my life with the illness. Wow. So I decided to just leave all of my life behind and, like, I'm just gonna move to Egypt. It's super cheap there. It's pretty nice and, you know, just start a journey like, you know, what else is out there? This pharmaceutical stuff obviously isn't working, you know, let's see. When I met my husband.
Speaker 3
You had already gotten married before you moved to Egypt?
Speaker 1
No. I moved to Egypt before getting married.
Speaker 3
Oh, wow. That is a bold move.
Speaker 1
Yeah. My mom, everyone thought I was crazy. I was like, you know, young, twenty five, little old me. I'm literally, like, five four hundred pounds. And they're like, you're moving where? And you're saying
Speaker 3
Why Egypt?
Speaker 1
Well, a few months prior to getting getting, let go from my job, I spent about three weeks here, with a friend of mine. It's I was on short term, leave from work, and I had just started, like, a round of chemo so that they could see that will help, you know, get my lupus under under control. And it just was so peaceful and tranquil there I kind of felt at home, which was so strange. It was the first time that I was like, you know in africa And I'm like, it's not so bad here So I think, you know, with me no longer having a job, no longer being able to support myself, the first thing I thought of were where does it, you know, feel like home? And this was you know, Egypt was where I thought.
Speaker 3
That's beautiful. Having never been there.
Speaker 1
Right.
Speaker 3
Wow. That's amazing. Well, when you know, you know.
Speaker 1
Right. So I'm like, oh, just take a look at it. And so many people were like, no, because you're young. And I'm like, well, it wasn't bad there. You know, I spent a few weeks there. It was fine. So I literally sold off my things. I packed up. I had eight suitcases. Like, one filled with shoes, one with clothes, and I just made the move. I didn't have you know, I just had my savings. I, like, cashed out my four zero one k. I didn't have a steady income. I didn't even have a place set up. I just was like, I'll figure it out. And it it worked out. You know, a few months in, I was courting with my, you know, at the time, fiance. He had lived in Egypt for about eighteen years, and he had, you know, transitioned back to the states, and I had transitioned into Egypt. So when we decided that we wanted to marry, I'm like, yeah. I'm not going back to the States. So, you know, this is gonna work. You're gonna have to come back. And he did. He did. He literally had just, like, restarted his life in the States, but he came back for you. Yes. For me. Little old, you know, mystery girl. He didn't really know.
Speaker 3
Oh, my God. That's romantic.
Speaker 1
Yes. So, you know, everything was just platonic and we were honeymooning. And I guess motherhood wasn't a thought for me because I had been through so much with, you know, pharmaceutical drugs. My kidneys were kinda going bad. You know, doctors are telling me, oh, you probably won't be able to have kids because, you know, you did rounds of chemo and just, you know, certain things that they tell you to just kinda scare you. So, you know, wasn't a thought. I guess the second month till I got married in May, and then at the end of June, I was having, like, these weird cravings, and I just feel, you know, a little besides myself, but pregnancy never it was never a thought for me. So my husband was like, I think you're pregnant. I'm like, are you nuts? How can I be pregnant? He's like, because we do a pregnant with, you know, with married people do and kicking, you know, make you pregnant. I'm like, okay. Whatevs. So he buys a test, pee on it, nothing happens. I'm like, see? Told you. And then he's like, no. No. Something's supposed to happen. Like, it didn't say, like like, even the control line didn't show up or anything. So he's like, what he's like, well, I want my money back because you're not supposed to have a faulty test. He just was, like, flipping out. And I'm like, whatever. I'm not pregnant, so it doesn't matter. So he got another one, and I didn't take it till the next morning. I took him when he was asleep because I was, you know, I guess, afraid. And I waited about five minutes, and I went in, and it said positive. Oh my gosh. Hitting me? How? Like, just so completely shocked. So then he wakes up, and I tell him, he's like, see, I told you. So he's like, wait. So I'm gonna he's like, he's really bummed about the one that didn't work. So he goes in the trash can, and then that will show that it was positive. Yeah. That's what I the dude said. That's cute. He's like, see. I told you. And I'm like, okay. And I'm just, like, out of my mind. What do I do? Like, what do we do? So, you know, me still being pharmaceutical minded, I'm like, oh, I have to call the doctor. We have to figure it out. You know, we're in Egypt at this time. And so I was emailing my, nephrologist back home, and he's like, oh, you have to see, you know, maternal fetal specialist and, you know, you just literally it hasn't even been thirty days since you finished your last round of chemo. This can cause issues with the fetus
Speaker 3
and probably like I missed I missed what why you were doing the chemo. What was it for?
Speaker 1
So people that have lupus, they now they have certain drugs for it, but back then, they didn't have any designated, like, drugs for it. So they just kind of, like, guinea pig you. They give you a bunch of, you know, steroids and all these different medicines to see what will help you. Oh my gosh. Usually, with their, mindset is we need to calm your immune system down. So we're gonna give you something to strip your immune system in hopes it'll simmer down the lupus and see what happens. So that's the, I guess, the mindset behind we put lupus patients on chemo to strip away their immune system since their immune system is too overactive and attacking itself.
Speaker 3
Wow. Okay. I did not know they did chemo for lupus. That's that's wild.
Speaker 1
Yes. And I was it did way more harm than good. So I just was, like, completely over it. So I was concerned as well because I knew that I was gonna embark on a journey in front finding something holistic and natural, and I was waiting for this medicine to get out my system. So I was like, oh, man. Am I gonna jack the baby up? So, of course, that him saying that I just started he's like, oh, yeah. I don't think, you know, you might not wanna keep the baby. He just was the doctor was saying all these things. And I'm like, alright. Well, well, free you know? Let's just see what's going on. Like, that's not even a thought in my mind. I just wanna make sure that I'm okay. The baby's okay kind of thing. So we did some research, and I found, a maternal fetal specialist here in Egypt. Made an appointment. It was, like, an hour away. It was so far, and it was fine. He was like, yep. Definitely pregnant. I think that was, like, six or seven weeks at the time. And I was asking him the questions that my father just told me to ask, And he just was so, like, I mean, you know, it's in God's hands if it's meant for you to have the baby. And if he's meant for him to be healthy, he's gonna be healthy. Although he was a specialist, he wasn't trying to scare me. So I went in all anxious, you know, waiting for this, like, bad news. And he just was so, like, you're fine. Baby's fine. What else? Mhmm. I'm like, okay. So I think my downfall was keeping in contact with my doctors in the states because they made it as if, oh, he doesn't he doesn't know what he's talking about. Did he run blood tests? And I'm like, yeah. He sent me and got labs. He said I was fine. Even if the baby was fine. And if I had any concerns to just call them. And they're like, no. That's not okay. So fast forward to September, I said, well, let's go. And based on what the doctors say, we'll determine what we, I guess, what we need to do. So went to the states, and that's when the, you know, initiation began. You know? Oh, you have to come, you know, twice a week. You have to get this test. You know? They looked at me as I was like a a walking anomaly. They're like, we've never seen a patient like you. Your labs are horrible, but you and your baby are okay. How? And I'm like, I don't know. You know? I'm just, you know, just going with the flow. And I guess the more I got poked and prodded, I began to investigate a lot more, oddly, not about pregnancy, but the health of the child, the health of my unborn child. So I was looking into cloth diapers and, you know, okay. When it comes to doctors, I'm like, let's investigate this vaccine stuff. So all the things that had to do with the health of my child, I began to unravel. So we came back from the states, and the specialist here in Egypt, he's like, you know, unless something's wrong, I don't really need to see you. And based on what was done in the States, I was so confused. I'm like, what do you mean you don't need to see me? I'm like, do you not care? And you're getting very, you know, attentive. Treatment. What'd you say?
Speaker 3
I said, yeah. You're getting totally different treatment.
Speaker 1
Yeah. And it just was so conflicting. And with me being indoctrinated into how the system works in America, I guess I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to think. So after a while, you know, and now I get I guess it's, six months, so a few months go by. And I'm starting to get nervous because I was having, like, a lot of cramping. And when I would go to the doctors, they're like, it's fun. This is just part of pregnancy. I didn't know what was happening. So, of course, I'm emailing my doctors in the states, and they're like, you need to get back here. They're not gonna help you. Your baby, more likely, he'll be you know, the baby will be born prematurely and just all these things. And I'm like, oh, no. So then I thought you know, since my husband said, Amir, if the baby is born prematurely, we don't have money to pay for a baby in a NICU here. It's like two hundred dollars a day. We can't afford that. So that in itself is what made me make the decision to say, okay. Maybe we need to go back to the states. I have health insurance. They can help us. And my husband said, you know, what's, you know, what's meant to happen is gonna happen. There's nothing happening right now. You're working based off of fear, but I'm not the one carrying the baby. So I'm gonna let you take the week and you do it. You know, we'll do what you feel is those best.
Speaker 3
Wow. So you you basically I mean, it was a series of events, but the last straw was this NICU possibility. So you totally re uprooted your life and went back to the states to prepare for potentially a baby that was gonna need a lot of medical support.
Speaker 1
Yes.
Speaker 3
Wow. Exactly. That's wild.
Speaker 1
Exactly. So I know it was stressful for him. I felt bad because he had just moved back to Egypt. It was staying in the city that he wasn't even familiar in. You know? He had just gotten a job, and we were living off of savings at this point. And savings were dwindling away, so we spent our last on plane tickets to get back to the states. We were in between homes because, you know, my parents are like, Yeah. Don't know about that. So we were staying with my great aunt, so my grandmother's older sister who's in her eighties. It was just so crazy. Mhmm. So we kept our home in Egypt because our rent at the time was, like, a hundred bucks. We're like, we'll just kinda pay the rent up. So, you know, after we had the baby, we'll, you know, resume back life in Egypt. But for now, we have to make it work. So I continue going with doctor's appointments and, you know, ultrasounds. I had to get an ultrasound, like, every week. And at the time, I always wonder I said, what is the personality gonna be of this baby? Because the baby doesn't cooperate. And I found that so strange. And they're like, you have such a stubborn baby. He's, you know, he's not keeping still. You know, they would do the stress test, and he would, like, find a corner to hide in there. Like, oh, yeah. That's just sad. He he looked away. Right. So what I know now, I'm like, oh my gosh. We're poor baby. They're trying to tell me something. I was too, like, wrapped up to listen and, you know, realize. I'm listening to them like, oh, I guess I have a stubborn baby. And then you think about a baby. How can a baby be stubborn? Like, what does that even mean? Uh-huh. So but everything always checked out. Everything was always fine. Then, I guess, around thirty four weeks, my, maternal fetal specialist so let me backtrack a little bit. This maternal fetal specialist so I'm in the city of Philadelphia, which is where I'm from. He was the head of the department. Now usually, he never sees patients. He just kinda oversee the department. But he felt that my case was so rare, he had to step in. So when they would see his name my name, like, next to his on their charts, they're like, you see this doctor? No. There has to be a mistake. He doesn't see patients. And he would ask, you know, can my the residents come in? Because he said to me, he said, you know, on paper, I said, oh my god. This girl is dying. But then I see him in person, and you're so stoic, and you're full of life.
Speaker 5
Mhmm.
Speaker 1
And I don't know what god you're praying to, but I guess it's working because I don't know how this is I guess, in his science brain, in his medicine brain, it didn't make sense. Something should have happened by now, and it didn't. Right.
Speaker 3
And says so much.
Speaker 1
Right. So around thirty four, thirty five weeks, he said, you know, you have so much discomfort. I'm like, yes. I do. He's like, you know, it's probably best that you don't go full term because, you know, what we don't want is something to happen, and it's too late to help you. So I think it's best if we schedule you for, let's say, thirty eight weeks, and we'll induce you. So I said, oh, okay. So then the next week, he said, you know what? Let's push that back. We'll do thirty seven weeks. By that time, you know, the baby the the baby will be fine. He can survive at thirty seven weeks. It'll be fine. I'm like, okay. So thirty seven weeks get there. I have to call the number to schedule my induction, and I do. And I have to be there by, I think, eight o'clock. And around seven thirty, I'm in the bathroom, and I'm crying my eyes out. And I said to my husband, I scheduled this appointment, but why does it feel so wrong? Like, I'm not ready. What if the baby is not ready? I'm not ready. Why are you making me do this? There was not a point in my mind that said, you don't have to do that because I had no one around me to say, hey. You sure it's you know? But then again, if I did, would I have would I have listened? Right. You know? So I got there. I said, you know, I I I wanna eat. They're not gonna let me eat. Why would they serve me? Isn't having a baby I can exercise for them to eat? So I said, can I have the last supper? I said, you know, like, Jesus did. Can can we have her at last supper too? I said, not that I think something's gonna happen, but I don't know when the thing is gonna come. So he's like, where do you want to go? Can you go to Red Lobster first?
Speaker 3
That's amazing.
Speaker 1
So we went to Red Lobster. I couldn't piggy out, obviously, because I'm big as a horse, and I couldn't eat that much, but it was great. And I said, okay. Now let's go. I didn't get to the hospital until, like, midnight. And they're like, we were worried. You know? Where were you? And I'm like, I was trying to get here, and then it took them, like, two hours to get me into a room. And then, you know, that's when they started. They're like, okay. We're gonna give you, I forget the name of the pill, that they put into your cervix to soften it. So they said, we're gonna start with this and, you know, we'll kinda check and see how things go. I'm like, okay. So they're like, you know, so let us know if you need any pain meds. I'm like, no. I'm gonna go I'm gonna try to go as natural as possible. I don't want any I don't wanna be doped up. I need to be aware of what's going on. So she's like, well, I mean, honey, it's not a marathon. So if you're in pain, just let us know. And I just felt so underbinder. Like, Well, I didn't think that I just thought that this is you know, so I just kind of flagged her so after a while nothing's happening Cervix isn't softening the pills aren't working. So they're saying Okay, We're gonna try a balloon. So we're gonna play place a balloon, in your cervix. We're gonna fill it with saline, and that'll help force your cervix to dilate. When I say this is the most painful thing ever, I'm like, oh my gosh. Why does child would have to feel like that? This can't be it. I don't believe that we were created to suffer like this. This just doesn't this feels inhumane. But what else do I know outside of what they're telling me? So that managed to work, but then I began to bleed a little bit. And they're like, oh, this is normal. And then they're like so I was like, well, how long do I have to wait for this balloon to just sit in me? And they're like, well, once the balloon once you get into about a four, the balloon will just fall out. I'm like, okay. But in the interim, they had to keep deflating it because when I had to pee, it was pushing on my bladder. I couldn't pee. So they had to take some of the semen out enough for me to be able to pee, and then I had to get back in the bed for them to fill it back up. It was horrible. It really was. And as painful as it was, I'm like, well, I gotta push through it. So I get to about a four, and they're like, what did they do after that? They're like, okay. You're progressing. It looks like, you know, labor was starting. So I said, okay. So then they gave me, pitocin. And so we're starting on the pitocin drip. Oh my gosh. That was so I can't describe it. It's your body I feel like it was first in my body to do something my body was not ready to do because they were back to back. You know, the surgery just back to back, and it didn't feel like anything was happening. So I'm, like, laying down, and I'm like, why does laying down hurt? It hurts so bad. Maybe I need to stand up. Yeah. I'm gonna get up. So I was like, just be careful. Just I'm like, listen. It right now hurts. So I need to figure out what I gotta do so that this just doesn't hurt. And she's like, it's labor, honey. It's gonna hurt. And I'm like, well, I'm not in labor right now. Right? It's just the process, but it shouldn't feel this way. So I got up, and I said, I don't know what you ladies need to do, but can I take this machine with me? Because I'm not leaving this bed. It it hurts. I I can't. So my husband and I was like, you know, let's just let me help you take your mind off of it. Let's, you know, let's walk. So I'm holding on to him, and I'm had my eyes closed, and we're just walking back and forth, and that helped. I'm like, wow. This is working. Okay. I think I can do this. And then they come back in, you know, a little while later. They check me. They're like, okay. Looks like you're at about a six, so we're gonna go ahead and, you know, move you to the next room. I said, okay. So she's like, do you want an epidural? And I'm like, no. I was doing just fine. She's like, listen, honey. I've been a nurse for twenty years. And the last thing we want is for something to happen, we'll have to put you under total anesthesia. You won't be aware of anything. So it's better that you have the epidural. So if we have to go into surgery, you're already prepped for it. Otherwise, if we have to put you totally under, it doesn't work out for moms that way. Wow. And my heart just went into my stomach because I had in my head, I'm gonna kick the behind. I I got this. And she completely that curse that I had just went out the window. And she really asserted herself being twenty year, you know, twenty year veteran nurse, and she just seen it all. And I'm just like, wow. I'm like, oh, I guess we have to take her advice. I'm like, I really don't want it. And she's like, you know, it doesn't make you any less of a mother. It's okay. You know? It's we all go through it. It it'll be fine. I don't like needles. So, like, so I've watched my mother get an epidural, and just watching her get it, I said, oh, well, never. It looks so I'm like, it'll touch my spine. Then I just saw in paperwork that if something happens, I can't see you guys. Like, I don't think I trust you guys that much. It's like this is my life. Oh my god.
Speaker 3
I'm so sorry. That is so horrific.
Speaker 1
So so bad, but I just you know, of course, me being in labor thinking, I don't want anything to happen to me. I'm newly married. I can't leave my husband with a a child and, you know, I can't do that. So I'm gonna just take her advice. So we get up to, the labor delivery room, and they prepped me for the epidural. And it was horrible. My my spine was burning. And, you know, of course, like, we're still picking up because they still have the pitocin going. And I guess once it so they're telling me like, oh, you press this if you want more. You know? And I was in so much pain because I'm now on my back. And that really my head going to be up, it went away. So now I'm still deflated. I feel I'm exhausted and I'm not doing anything. And then I realized, hey, only half of my body is numb. This is weird. So they're coming, they're checking, they're like, oh, it's fine. You know, Ken Jackson's fine. They're giving me more, and my body feels like half of it feels like a a ton, you know, maybe a ton of an elephant. And the other half I can feel, and it's painful. So one of the doctors from anesthesia is like, you know, this happens to one. I forget the statistics he gave me. But, basically, I'm one of those people that, you know, the epidural doesn't really work for. It works for, I guess, half the body. It doesn't numb all of the nerves, like, it when it's a different person.
Speaker 3
It's random. I mean, it's because of how it was administered. You know? It's such a delicate area full of nerves, and it could it it just really my understanding is that it it's not the person. It's how it's placed, and it's quite, unpredictable. Anyway, regardless, it's still it's not you. It's them is what I'm trying to say.
Speaker 1
And that actually makes a total sense. So now they're really making me think my body is just super defective. No.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Not at all.
Speaker 1
You know? So they just are like, you know, well, there's nothing they could do. So I drift off to sleep because at this point, I'm like, help me. I can't you told me I can't get up. I can't feel anything to to get up, and I'm in pain now. Help me. So I don't remember what they gave me, but I drifted off to sleep. And I had a dream of a balloon bursting, and I woke up. And I called for the nurse, and I'm like, I think my water broke, but I can't feel anything. So can you look? And she's like, oh, yeah. So let's check you. They're like, oh, you're at a ten. It's about ready to push. I'm like, really? Oh, okay. So, you know, they pulled the bed up some. They my feet in the in the stirrups, and they bring this bar. So I guess I could kinda pull up, and they're like, alright. So we're looking at the monitor. When you have, you know, the next contraction, we want you to push. And I'm like, well, I can't feel anything. So, okay. So I'm pushing. They're like, no. You're pushing wrong. No. What you're doing, it's gonna hurt the baby. And they're like, listen. What? I don't know what you mean by pushing. What do you want me to do? So they're, like, scolding me that I'm pushing wrong. And I'm like, well, I don't feel the urges. And I don't know. What does it need to push? Like, what am I pushing? Like, am I, like, straight in to go to the bathroom or, like, what is this? I don't know. Eventually, I guess I got it right. And it was literally I had to push, and I had to hold for a certain amount of seconds. I had to hold my breath, and I had to let go. Then I had it was back to back, and I was exhausted. And I'm like, please, I just need a little morsel or something, like a little bit of pretzel cookie. They're like, no. We're we're past that. I'm like, but I'm tired. They're like, it's labor, honey. What do you think? And I'm like, oh, okay. And, oh, wait. I'm ex I'm exhausted. So the lady the nurse next to me is talking about, oh, yeah. Sally's gonna go, over to Qdoba. What do we have? And I'm thinking, like, I'm trying to figure out how to push and you're talking about what you're gonna try to eat for lunch, and I'm hungry. You're kidding me? And then they're like, oh, we can see the hat. Oh, this baby is beautiful. Look at all that hair. And I'm like, really? Okay. Maybe this is a part of the labor process too. You just you know? So I'm pushing and pushing, and then I feel like I hit a standstill. And they're like, oh, he's sunny side up. This is why you're in so much pain. Any baby that presents this way, you know, kind of pulls in difficult labor. And I'm pushing and I'm grabbing onto the bar, and I have nothing left in me. Mhmm. And at that moment, I felt like I can't do this. I just got this strong sensation of the part of the body that I could feel. And I'm like, I can't do this anymore. I'm tired, and I just burst into tears. And they're like, honey, it's okay. You know? At this rate, you've been pushing for so long. So I had been I had been pushing for three hours, forty five minutes straight, really back to back, no barely in a brick in between. And she's like, you know, at this point, even if you were to push this baby out, his, you know, his head would be shaped like a cone. His face would probably be bruised because, you know, your pelvic is very, very small. So he probably just having a hard time passing through, you know, your small frame. We can just do, you know, emergency c section, because if we keep going, you know, his heart rate could probably drop and probably wouldn't be good. So you think we should go ahead and do that? Just cut him out? And I was like, I don't want a c section. My mom had a c section, and she almost died. I don't want that. Well, baby well, honey, how are you gonna get this baby out? I'm like, I don't know. So I just need something to get me going. I have nothing left in me. I I just I can't push anymore. I'm tired here. So I said, can I just rest if everything's okay? Everything was fine. So I'm wondering, like, why did they just let me rest a little bit to, like, get you know? They're, like, no. The contractions are coming. It'll keep squeezing him. He has to come out. I'm like, okay. I guess if I don't have a choice, I guess we have to do the c section. They're like, yeah. We'll we'll see, you know, the in anesthesiologist that's on call, and we'll prep you. So that didn't happen for almost another hour. So my mind, I'm like, well, how much of an emergency is it that I can't, you know, wrestle with it and try again or something or allow some of this epidural to wear off so I can, like, get up. They're like, you know, you can't you can't get up. You know? You have to see your back. You you can't get up. That's just not possible. So they came and they got me. At this point, my husband and my mom were in the room, but only one person was allowed. So, of course, it's gonna be my husband. And they went to give me a spinal tap because, the epidural I guess, obviously so now it's making sense because he said, if the spinal tap doesn't work, we'll have to put you all the way under. Mhmm. And that was more painful. And I remember, getting it and laying down. They strapped my arms down, and I felt this heaviness on my chest, and I can no longer even feel my lungs. I couldn't even tell if I was breathing. And I'm starting to panic, and I'm like, I can't breathe. And I'm trying to tell them, and they're just talking, and I feel like that was going in and out, and I really thought I was dying because I couldn't feel my lungs filled up with air to breathe. And they're like, she said she can't breathe. Let's check her. And they're like, oh, you know, her O2 was fine. I'm like, well, I can't feel I can't breathe. And they're like, oh, you're just probably numb, honey. Just just, you know, just relax. So I had to take short, shallow breaths, like so to not freak myself out because in my mind, I was dying. I could not breathe.
Speaker 3
Totally.
Speaker 1
Mhmm. But I guess if I'm numbed all the way up to probably my my freaking neck, then that would make sense why I couldn't feel my lungs. So I'm saying my prayers in my mind. Just prepare myself to die. I thought I was gonna die. And I'm like, okay. Good thoughts of you, Lord, and, you know, say a prayer for your baby, and hopefully you'll get out of this. I don't know. And then I remember feeling pressure. And it's like you're numb, but you're not numb. I can feel them inside of me. And I'm like, this is the strangest thing ever. This hurts. But I couldn't really move. I couldn't talk. And then I remember them saying, oh, the baby. And I heard the baby crying, and they're like, she's so pretty. Look at her. Look at all this hair. And I'm like, she that's all I can say because I was telling you, I was having a boy. And then, like, wait. Oh, yes. Sorry. Yeah. It's a boy. It's a boy.
Speaker 3
Oh my god.
Speaker 1
So, you know, they handed the, baby to my husband, and they're, you know, they're like, oh, you know, we're stitching you all up. We're getting you all we're cleaning everything out. It's a lot of stuff in here we gotta clean out. I feel like I was being put together back together like a puzzle piece Oh. How they were talking. And then in recovery, their, I still was catheterized, and I was just having all these clots from my bladder. And they were trying to tell me, yeah, we don't know why that's happening. I'm like, well, did you guys make something? Because why else would I have blood clots in my urine if I'm catheterized from the entire time? And they're like, no. We didn't do that, but we don't know why that's happening. And this whole I'm looking at my baby, and I feel like I don't know him. It's trying to tell me to breastfeed, and I am, but I'm like, this is a stranger to me. Who is this child? So I'm, you know, doing skin to skin, and it just really robbed me of the experience. I felt disconnected from my child.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Well, you were you were literally disconnected.
Speaker 1
Yes. Yeah. So That
Speaker 3
is so so brutal and so common. And, you know, fifty percent in the states, fifty percent of inductions end in c sections. And exactly what you just described, I have seen more times than I could count, you know, personally. And it is torture. It is violence. It is gaslighting. It is coercion and manipulation. And and it is it it I mean, it's violence. Oh, my heart just breaks to hear this. That is so brutal. So how do you pick up the pieces of your life after that? Like, it sounds in the way you're telling it, it sounds like you had awareness, or I shouldn't make this assumption. Let me ask it a different way. At what point or was it during that you begin to have awareness of that being, like, unnecessary or not okay or anything, you know, in that realm?
Speaker 1
So that didn't pick up to almost a year later. So when the baby was about six months, we, went ahead and moved back to Egypt, and I was completely traumatized. I'm like, nope. Not having any more kids. Don't know what you're gonna do, pal, but Like, it's not happening. I I don't see it, you know. So we, yeah, we just moved back. I had, you know, the birth control in my arm. I'm like, yep. We're straight. Don't have to worry about it. So, he has some friends that were also from the states that were living in Egypt. He says, you know, one of my friends, his wife, you know, they have four children. Her last child, they had at home with just the two of them. I said, what? She did that at home? How the heck she do that? He's like, you know, they wanna come over for dinner. And I'm like, okay. I was really intrigued to hear this lady and her story because I'm like, how the heck? What? Mhmm. And comes to find out she was a doula. And, you know, it's natural for moms to start talking about children, and I told her I said, I am traumatized. I cannot see myself ever giving birth again. And she's like, well, explain that, you know, what happened. So, you know, I told her what happened and she's like, you know, you know that that shouldn't have happened. I said, how so? And she began to tell me that with everything being okay with me starting out that way, there's no reason why they ever should have labeled me. There is nothing concrete that they had that was physically wrong with me even with my elements to categorize me as high risk. So she's like, so that being in your mind, even if something wasn't wrong or perhaps you may have been thinking things were wrong just because you knew you were labeled as high risk. Mhmm. Like, they solidified that thought into my mind. And then she kinda walked me through my birth process of what my options would have been. And I'm like, you know what? Since you said that, like, everything she said, it made total sense. Mhmm. And I'm like, wow. So I felt enlightened a little a little bit. And she says, you know, we have, a birth circle that I that I hold a friend of mine, you know, here in Egypt. I would love for you to come. And, you know, we share birth stories and we talk about what a true physiological natural birth is. And, you know, so I went, and I heard her tell her story of how she birthed her baby, which is her and her husband, and that was the most beautiful birth story I had ever heard. It gave me chills listening to her and seeing her cry of happiness and joy to hold her baby. And I'm like, this is so magical. And then I know I'm like, that is birth. Now how does she do it? And then another, you know, lady there, she also shared her story. And another one shared her story, how she rebirthed twins. I'm like, so this is birth. I think I've got my Tiffany then even on my way home. Oh, so what's up?
Speaker 3
What's up with your, like, badass birth circle in Egypt? That's amazing.
Speaker 1
Yeah. So it grew over time to about fifty, sixty women. Most of us were from, you know, western, you know, countries, Europe and from all over. And she will host them once a month. But because she recently, a few months back, went back to the states, it just kinda fell apart.
Speaker 4
You gotta restart them, girl.
Speaker 1
Yes. I have to. I have to. So on my way home, I said to my husband, I said, Amir, we we gotta reanalyze some things because I just learned where birth is, and I'm intrigued. That's why I have some research to do. So I began to research so many things about birth, and I just was in awe. And then I went to pull my hospital records because I wanted to know what do you what did they have down that actually happened? Because they categorized me as an emergency. But what was the emergency? And when I got my records, you can, like, get them right online. And they said failure to descend. I'm like, what? Wow. All that talk that y'all said, all you wrote was failure to descend? That was a legitimized reason for a c section? Wow. So at that moment, I knew like, they played me. They played me like a drum. Never again. Never again. And then the other thing I thought was because I had a c section, that will always need one. Everyone will always tell me this. And then when I looked it up, I'm like, so I have, you know, more than ninety nine percent chance of it being great, and I will fear the lesser of this percentage. That doesn't make sense. I'm like, okay. So all this research inspired me, and I'm like, yep. We're having a baby. We're gonna have a baby. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be my redemption birth. It's gonna be great. No. I didn't have it in mind. I was on a free birth at this moment. I just knew that I could have another baby and I could have it. So when I got pregnant, this is now in twenty nineteen, and I said, okay. Well, let's find a, you know, a birth let's say they have a birth center here in Egypt. And they did, but it was three hours away. I'm like, okay. That's not gonna work. Okay. Well, what about in hospitals? They have, like, the birthing pool. That sounds really, you know, relaxing. Well, that was about an hour away. I'm like, okay. That's not gonna work. Well, are there any midwives here? Midwifery, that's that's a thing of the past. Don't find that here. But my boyfriend said, you know, I initially originally hired a midwife. She said she didn't show up for my birth because she said her blood pressure was high and she had a headache. So, you know, that's how the free birth happened. She said, but if you to see her, she's very underground. You have to call this place, request a prenatal massage, and then, you know, she'll you'll see her that way, and you can talk to her about what you like from her. I said, wow. That sounds very sketchy. But, okay. But I just still sound I'm like, just because she didn't show up for her, I don't know if I wanna do that. So we found another we heard of a doctor that attended home births, but he was a man. And I'm like, I don't want a man looking yeah. That's that's a hard no for me. Why would it only be a male doctor that oversaw that? But then his c section rates were still really high. So it just sounded like a little underhandedness. But a part of his team, there was a a midwife. She was from the Philippines. So I said, well, maybe if I reach out to her and say, hey. Would you be okay overseeing my birth then? You know? So we called her over to the house. So I told my my dear friend, I said, can you come sit with me when she comes because, you know, you'll know some good questions to ask her. I have some written down, but in case I, you know, overlook a question or something. She said, okay. Sure. So she comes over to the house, and I'm interviewing her, and she didn't really seem like a good fit. She did, but she didn't. Some of her answers, she was just seem really scared to do it on her own. Some of her answers were like, well, yeah, I would do this. And I'm like, but I don't want you to do that. So are you okay with not doing that? And she's like, I'm okay. And when she looked, I felt a sense of unease, and I prayed on it. I said, It is meant for this lady to oversee my birth. Please allow me to bond with her and feel comfortable with her. And if not, please send her away. And about a month later, she when I messaged her to invite her over, she was like, oh, I'm in the Philippines. I left Egypt. I'm like, what? Oh. So I'm like, well Well, there
Speaker 3
you go.
Speaker 1
Yeah. And so that prayer got no clearer than that. So I said to my husband, I said, well, what do we do? He's like, well, what do you think we should do? I'm like, can we have this baby on our own? And he said, can we? I'm like, heck yeah. Why not? He's like, I believe in you. You know? He said, I follow your lead. I don't know anything about this stuff. So tell me what what we what we're gonna do, and we'll do it. I said, okay. Well, I need to learn how to do this. So, you know, scouring the websites and trying to find, like, you know, home birth course or something to help me. And I came across, this one was, like, thirty bucks. And I'm like, okay. Guess so. So I'm reading through it, and it was really boring. And I just kinda cherry picked through, with what I needed to know, and I did, you know, fear expelling and really well there. What is it that I fear about this process? I need to get rid of this fear because that's gonna hinder me. And so I looked up things such as shoulder dystocia and, hemorrhaging, and was the baby's cords wrapped around the neck and all these things. And so, oh, what if the baby you know, with your water breaks and there's meconium and all these things. I'm like, After I then felt confident that all those crazy what ifs were gone. So then I said, okay. I'm no longer afraid. Now I need to tap in and zoom zone into, you know, this pregnancy and this birth. So, you know, my husband and I, we make ferment. So, you know, I was doing everything right. My diet was proper. I was doing spinning babies and doing everything right. So I'm gonna do everything right this time because there's no way I could birth in the hospitals here. Now I did see an OP that was so far from my house. I did locate the nearest maternity hospital, which was literally five minutes away. In the event so I went to have rapport with someone here so someone would know me. Because here in this country, if no one has ever seen me, they're looking like, where did you come from? Yeah. So I saw her just enough times to I think maybe twice, you know, decline ultrasounds and everything. And, I actually liked her. She seemed natural minded, but I still didn't trust her because I said, when you're on on their, you know, playground, it's a whole different set of rules. And they'll say anything they want until they get you, and then it's it's game over. So but I kept that, you know, relationship with her and just did everything myself. So, of course, I'm still kind of indoctrinated, so I'm, you know, weighing myself every week. I'm taking my blood pressure. And after a while, I'm like, you know what? This is getting tiresome. I'm fine. Like, you know, I went and set for my labs and, you know, looked at my own hemoglobin and my ferritin, and I'm like, okay. Just gotta, you know, increase this or increase that. So so fast forward, towards the end, I didn't tell anyone that I had planned on home birthing. I actually lied to my mom and a few of my family members and told them, like, oh, yes. There's maternity hospital close by. And because I I needed to protect my space, I really needed me to be I I needed this to happen, and I didn't want anybody trying to persuade me. And this not and I didn't keep it from them and fear that it would change my mind. I didn't want that negativity lingering around me. I didn't want it. So I was very protective. I literally told maybe two friends, and they were just so stoked for me, and I've kept it as that. So I had a live in nanny at the time. She didn't even know that that was the plan. So, you know, fast forward, I guess, I'm about thirty nine weeks now. And, you know, the that prodromal, this is all new for me. So those Braxton Hicks, I'm like, I I really will use those as my practice, you know, wigs. And anytime I had to move my bowels, I just use that, like, breathing it down. I was really like, any opportunity to practice. I'm like, I'm gonna get this. I'm gonna get I can do this. And I was completely calm and everything. So I guess, this is now twenty twenty, the end of February. And I felt like something was happening, but I wasn't sure. I just was going with the flow. So I'm doing, you know, still doing my spinning babies, and I'm just making sure, like, oh, baby's in optimal. You know, just following that hoopla stuff. And, what happened then? So I was getting, like, I guess, the prodromal labor. So it was, like, starting then stopping. So I will put on my TENS machine, and I would just rest. And I would stack a whole bunch of pillows between my to keep my cervix open. And I'm like, I'm not gonna overdo it. I'm just gonna just relax till something happens. I just was literally not knowing what to do, but doing whatever my body felt like it needed to do. So it was very, like, randomized. You know, I did some pelvic steaming, and that was very relaxing. And then so it was about two, three days of that, and I'm like, alright. Something's gotta give because Mhmm. I was motioning through it, but it was just dragging on. I'm like, okay. Something has to give. I'm like, maybe I need to do something a little more, like, radical. Like so I was just like, what? I'm like, well, maybe we need to, like, dance. He's like, what kind of dance? I said, you need to twerk the baby out or something. Turn him hard to do. It's like, okay. We're both very conservative. But I'm like, listen. What are we gonna do? We're maybe I just felt like my body needed to just shake and move, and that's what I did. And I had a blast doing it.
Speaker 3
I wish there was video of that.
Speaker 1
It was so fun. And I'm like, alright. Now I'm tired. So then or spinning babies. I did some, you know, just a few things. Then I steamed. That's okay. I'm gonna take a bath, then I'm gonna lay down and rest. So as I'm in the tub, I'm, like, laying on my side. I'm texting my mom and just you know? So I feel this strong bulge. Like, it was like a huge cramp, and then I felt a pop. And I heard it. I'm like, the heck was that? And I'm like, wait, was that my water? And then, like, a few moments later, I felt the gush in the water. I'm like, oh, I think that was my water. So I'm like, babe, my water broke. He's like, okay. So he comes in. He's like, you know what? I was like, guess I'll just sit here. Yeah. So then I just, like, laid back down on my side in the tub, and I said, what do I do? And I'm like, what do you think you should do? I'm like, I'll just lay here. Okay. So I'm scrolling on Facebook, and the water started to get a little cool. So I said, okay. Well, since my water broke and I don't feel anything, I'm gonna go and lay down. So most soon as I let the water out, I see all the herbs floating, always, you know, get my little herbal baths. And I get out. I dry off, and the waves start picking up. But there's two where I had to stop in my tracks. And I'm like, oh, this is very different. Okay. Maybe you need to set up your area. So I'm like, yeah. Set up your area. So I, you know, leave up my I have an en suite, so I come out of the bathroom into the room. And my husband already set up my lights and had my oil diffuser going, and it had some Quran playing in the background. And I'm like, alright. I need to set up on the floor. And it's like, I don't know what made me get to it, but I just felt this is what I needed to do. So I got some pillows. I threw a towel over them. I grabbed my yoga ball, and I just was leaning over my yoga ball. And I just was kinda swaying with it. And so my husband, he's running back and forth. He's getting my electrolyte drinks that I made up and getting some dates and all the things I requested. And I was like, wait. Amir. Amir, please don't leave. I just need you right here. Please don't leave. And because they were getting so intense. And I'm like, oh, okay. Alright. This is it, I guess. Right? And he's like, just relax. Breathe. And he starts this story that he made up for to get me into my hypnobirthing mind. And he's telling me, you know, you're on a beach, and you feel the sandy wind. You know? I don't remember the story, but whatever he was saying, I was there. I remember walking through some tree lined forest onto the beach, and I went up to the water and my feet, you know, was the water was warm. And when I saw the waves, that was you know, it was gonna push my baby to me. Like, when Moses was in the water swaying, my baby was coming to me. And every single wave that I got, his story just sunk me deeper into it to where I couldn't I was there, but I wasn't there. I can't tell you what was happening around me. Story. And his his voice, I just I just heard him. So when it started picking up, I kinda snapped out of it. And at one point, I started to hyperventilate. And I'm like, I can't breathe. He's like, you can't breathe. Then he started telling me my affirmation. I had them picking up on the wall. So I saw him look up and was kinda, like, reading them off. Like, you are amazing. You are honored. You are loved. You are safe. I'm like, I am safe. I am loved. Okay. So then I would tap into because the the ways I felt the baby moving down. So I tried to visualize where this baby was inside. And I'm like, the baby is is moving down. It it's it's working. But then I hit a point where I'm like, is this working? He's like, is what working? I'm like, am I doing it? He's like, you're doing it. I'm like, okay. Because I wasn't sure. So I had those moments to where it gave me a flashback of my first birth where I felt like I wanted to give up. Mhmm. And that moment where I felt the baby, I was, like, roaring. And I'm like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. I don't know where it came from. Wait. My body's pushing. I don't know what's happening. I'm not pushing. It's someone's pushing. And that's, I guess, the mess when, you know, the fear kicked in. And the baby emerged a little bit, and the baby went back up. And I'm like, wait. No. I can't do this. And he was like, you're oh, you you are doing it. The baby's almost here. I'm like, okay. So I'm on all fours, and I was like, you gotta catch this baby because I can't see. So I relaxed, and I said to my baby, baby, it's okay. It's safe. You can come out. And that very next wave, this baby the head came out, and I heard my husband say, this next one, you have to get the baby out. I said, okay. So I took a deep breath. When the next wave came, the baby came flying out. And I remember, you know, all fours, and I held my head up like and I was thinking, like, did this just happen? And then I turned around, and I was like, mother, wait. Is the baby okay? And he's like, yes. I'm like, give me the baby. And I was like, I just had a baby out of my vagina. Wow. And so I'm like, hi, baby. Welcome. It's your old age, man. It's your mom. And then he's just looking, and I'm like, okay. Wow. And I'm just holding the baby, and I'm like, is she okay? Because she was so quiet. And I remember my son screaming, and she was so calm. And I just was like, you know, rubbing her back, and she let out, like, a little noise. And she said a little, you know, muffled. So I'm like, well, okay. Let's just hold her forward, and I'll just rub her. And I'm like, wait. Hold this, baby. And I went to get up, and the placenta just came popping out. It wasn't even three minutes later. And I'm like, okay. Well, I wanna sit on the bed now. So I'm going to the bed, and I was on a birth high. I'm like, wow. So I text my mom, like, baby's here. She's like, wow. Really? Because I had texted her, like, maybe, like, around twelve thirty midnight, and now this is, like, around three thirty AM, and I had a baby. And she's like, well, that was fast. Well, did you make it to the hospital? I'm like, nope. I had the baby right at home. And that's when I revealed to her. I had this baby at home, and I just felt so elated. Like, I did this, and it was great. And I just remember, you know, although her emergent, that was so intense. But the entire time, I felt safe, and I was warm, and I felt loved, and it was intimate. There was no distractions. The lights were dim. My favorite scent of lavender and vanilla was blowing, and my favorite sound of the Quran was playing. And my favorite person, my husband, he was right there supporting me and coaching me, and he really believed that I could do it. Even though he knew absolutely nothing, he trusted me with our child. And I just felt like I I did that. I I really did. And, so afterwards, I, you know, like, you know, the baby. I just feel like I need to, like, soak a little bit. And, this is, like, a few hours later. And I, like, you know, soaked my bottom half and, you know, felt a little bit more refreshed and you know? So he had the baby in his shirt, and she still has her placenta in the bowl. And I took a photo of them together. It was like the cutest thing, but it reminds my baby son. He woke up, and he came in. He's like that. He's like, he was a dad. Normal woke up with, like, a baby in the house, and he's looking like, what happened? And the nanny was like, wait, when did this happen? I said, oh, you didn't hear me roar like a lioness. Oh, okay. And then it did good.
Speaker 3
I love I love picturing you being like, oh, baby came out of my vagina.
Speaker 1
That was so epic for me. Like, and then you came out of my vagina. Like Mhmm. I couldn't believe I did it.
Speaker 3
I mean, it's it's such a big deal. It's such a big deal after after that first story for you to to know not only what was taken from you, but then to get to actualize it. It's just so beautiful. Yes. And did you tell your mom that you had done it, like, without any midwives or anything?
Speaker 1
Yes. And she just listened to me. And I think because she heard the excitement and passion in my voice, she didn't say anything in objection. Even though I know I felt her energy, she wanted to. Mhmm. But I think she now. Have my moment. Right? Exactly. And baby's here. Yeah. Here. You know? Worry. You can't worry. Lost her. At all. She was just like, wow. Okay. Well, I'm glad the baby's safe. And, you know, when I told my grandma, she was like, what? Oh, we talk all unsure because that, you know, that's what we used to do back in the day. So that's that's oh, yes. She was so excited.
Speaker 3
That's amazing. And you you have life growing inside of you at the time of this recording.
Speaker 1
Yes. I do. I am twenty seven weeks now, so it's, you know, getting towards the home stretch. And, you know, this birth has, I think, been more radical than my last two because I haven't done any type of prodding prodding. Mhmm. I've just been, like, I don't know how much I weigh. I don't know what my blood pressure is. All I know is that my baby's growing, and I feel good. And I'm just gonna do whatever my my body and intuition guides me to do, completely free with it. So, you know, this time, I feel I've been feeling this urge. I'm like, I feel like I wanna pull, you know, I feel like I wanna pull, like, a birth pull. So I was like, where are we? I'm like, okay. So I'm like, no guarantees this is gonna happen, but, you know, I just been whatever my intuition's telling me, I just kinda go for it.
Speaker 3
It's so beautiful. Isn't that one of our biggest lessons to learn here?
Speaker 1
Yes. Yes. Beautiful.
Speaker 3
So Any anything else you wanna share?
Speaker 1
Not that I can think of. I know right now, I plan on really really, I guess, getting out there with my story to really, you know, shed light for women that perhaps were in a similar situation like I am that maybe, you know, would have been traumatized or had a c section can know that this is totally an option for you. And I think perhaps, you know, especially me being not only black, but Muslim as well, Like, wow. Okay. She can do it. That means I can do it too. So I really wanna be a staple for women.
Speaker 3
Yes. Yes. You you will be and you are. It's so important to share these stories so that other women can know and that they can see exactly like you said, like, oh, well, if she can do it, I can do it. Yes. And that's what happens. You know, that hap I get emails every day of women being like, I really related to this one woman on your podcast, and I just rebirthed my baby. And, yeah, it's just amazing. So thank you so much for your willingness to share and put your voice on this podcast and be a part of our community. And I just love having you in the school, and I'm just so proud of you and and grateful.
Speaker 1
Thank you. And thank you for inviting me, and I'm really glad to be a part of the Freebird Society. It's been, like, definitely life changing. So thank you so much.
Speaker 3
Where where can women find you on Insta?
Speaker 1
So I have my page, Wintopia. And I today, I actually uploaded a a video, and I'll be from now on posting content every day. So Oh. You can find me on Umtopia on Insta and as well as Facebook.
Speaker 3
I'm going to your page right now. I wanna see if it has fans if it has fans on you. Oh, I'll share this video. Beautiful. Awesome. Alright. Well, we'll put some links in the show notes also so women can find you and yeah, thank you so much.
Speaker 1
Great. Thank you.
Speaker 4
And that's it for today, my sisters. Check out everything we do, including one on one and group coaching. Learn about our private membership, in person retreats, and more on free birth society dot com. Our online courses are on free birth society courses dot com, including our flagship course, the complete guide to free birth. Don't miss the radical birth keeper school if you're ready to become the authentic midwife that women are searching for. Together we rise, and the revolution starts inside each of us. Our opening song is by Shyla Rae. And now, I'll leave you with our Freebird Society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba Red.
Speaker 5
I honor you for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. Magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored, eons upon light beams of survival, withstanding, the eradication of our power by design. I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth in captivity. The picket line redefined from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging our babes. Strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts, keep your needles. My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons or your poison. We reject your fear. We choose love, everything with intention. Death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back to the star. Wild woman, she still lives inside. Wild woman, from you, I will not hide. They could not burn
