Speaker 0
When you need guidance from someone you can truly trust, someone who aligns with your values of sovereignty and natural living, look no further than doctor Jennifer Theis. Doctor Jen's expertise in homeopathy and naturopathic family care is unmatched. She is my personal go to when I need an opinion on how to best support my family and myself when we are healing. And something I'm always telling everyone about, doctor Jen runs a very specific food intolerance test. Having this information has quite literally changed my life once I decided to take it seriously. Knowing what our specific foods were to avoid has radically improved the health of myself and my children. So if you're looking to uplevel your health, head over to doctor jennifer tice dot com and you can find her on Instagram at doctor jennifer tice.
Speaker 1
Into the wild, I'm going. Into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom challenge since I left my roots back home. Into the wild I'm good. Into the wild I hid. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 2
Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative, we'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya. It's been
Speaker 1
a wild freedom change since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 0
Women, it is twenty twenty five, which means it is time for you to take your place in the sovereign birth movement. I am thrilled to announce that our absolutely groundbreaking, life changing, consciousness shifting, super popular program, the Radical Birthkeeper School is now open for enrollment. This is your chance. We run the Radical Birthkeeper School once a year, so now is the time to jump in. You love this podcast. You're obsessed with birth. You want a better world for women and families. So here it is. I am inviting you to join the eight hundred and fifty women from over thirty countries who have taken this program and now are confidently bringing this work forward, protecting the sacredness of birth, being an option so desperately needed for mothers and babies. From women brand new to birth to curious mothers pregnant with their first child to disillusioned midwives and doulas, even OBGYNs and nurses, women are flocking to this new paradigm of birth consciousness and the Radical Birthkeeper School is the gateway. The RBK School is the place to gain the language and the knowledge to communicate and step into the sovereign birth paradigm with confidence. If you feel the call, answer it by taking your place in the RBK School. Head over to w w w dot radical birthkeeper school dot com today to preview the full curriculum, hear from our many graduates, and learn more. Mentorship, sisterhood, lifetime access, the knowledge, wisdom, and guidance you need to take your place in the sovereign birth revolution all totally unlocked. Be the change. Join us. Radical birthkeeper school dot com. Hi, Kate.
Speaker 3
Hey, Emilee. My friend. So happy to be here. Thanks for having me.
Speaker 0
I'm glad to have you here. Glad to have you on this this season of sharing these stories. And you've had just this, like, beautiful arc since I've known you, you know, from from obviously becoming a mother into becoming this real pillar in your woman's community. And, you know, I'm I am preferably aware of the space you're now holding as a mother, as a wisdom keeper, as a birth attendant, and as a, yeah, a woman's organizer, you know, hosting these village prenatals as you have for so long in the community that has really, it seems from the outside, grown quite strong. And I really think a lot of it comes down to you. So I'm just really excited to hear, however the story is gonna come out today, your arc of this real growth and maturation over the years that I have really loved witnessing.
Speaker 3
Thanks. Yeah. It's been such an exciting journey, and I'm so honored to tell this story. Happy to be here.
Speaker 0
Where do you wanna start? Who the heck are you when you get pregnant your first time?
Speaker 3
Who am I? Well, I think I'll start before getting pregnant my first time, because there were some initiations that took place to prepare me for how I showed up when I became pregnant. Oh, becoming pregnant for the first time. Right. Which wasn't the birth of my daughter. I'll start with my childhood. I always knew that I wanted to be a mother. It was just something that was crystal clear to me in my destiny. I never doubted or wavered it. And I had quite a tumultuous relationship with my mother. I still do. And so I distinctly remember being a child, being a teenager, and feeling grief and yearning for a mother daughter relationship that I didn't have and that I wanted. And I had such clarity from a young age, and this came in as really like a coping mechanism for some of the sadness that I had, which was that I knew I would be able to experience the mother daughter bond that I always wanted even if that meant that I was creating it from the the maternal role. And so I would you know, when I was in despair in relationship with my mother, I would cope by imagining myself as a mother with my children. And it would just be so warm and sunny and, like, in fields of flowers with my babies and just
Speaker 0
Florida ceiling windows.
Speaker 3
I would just envision, yeah, this future life and this connection and what I have come to think about that now in in retrospect and all of the perspectives that I have with my spirituality and, you know, more clairvoyant identities that I associate with, I realized that I was in relationship with my spirit babies and my children as a child and that they have always been so present for me throughout my life as guides and play a huge part in my story of keeping me on track and guiding me to bringing them through in a good way, how they wanted to how Margo wanted to be born, and I know I'll have more children. So, yeah, it's leading up to my first pregnancy and deep in my maidenhood. I was living in San Francisco. I had just graduated from the University of San Francisco in, the winter of twenty nineteen. I was working, like, five jobs. I graduated a semester early, so I figured, like, I'm just gonna grind as hard as I can. I'm gonna save up a bunch of money, and then I'm gonna travel. Twenty twenty, the world got all weird and afraid, and there was just absolutely no way that I was gonna go along with a shelter in place order in San Francisco and be on lockdown and whatnot. So, one of my dearest friends at the time and I decided to sell all of our belongings in yard sales on the street wearing our roller skates in
Speaker 0
very San Francisco. Cute.
Speaker 3
They put together all of our money and buy a van, and we were like, we're gonna move into this van together, and we're gonna drive cross country and bounce between national parks and farms. And that's what we did. And that was how we started off twenty twenty. And it was such a magical time in my life because I was really opening to what is my calling? What is my purposeful work? You know, I had just gone through university education and wasn't seeing clear paths. I wasn't really lit up about, about yeah. I wanted more more I want to be on purpose and in alignment with my soul and what what I was really here to do. So I was just so guided by that time. It really feels like it was by the spirit baby that was, you know, gonna come through soon thereafter. And I had so many mantras close to my heart at this time about surrendering. I wrote down all my fears. I burned them. I was just like, I wanna remove distractions. I'm opening my heart more than it's ever been open. I just want to be guided as I travel across the country and meet all new these people and have new experiences, and I want to be able to listen and hear clearly, what what's my calling? So it was very intentional to connect with, what, you know, ends up becoming this path of of authentic midwifery and motherhood. So living in the van, I've been on a farm on the East Coast for a while. My friend comes up peeling off, and it's time for me to drive back out west to California. And when I was on the East Coast, this this summer of twenty twenty was the first time that I learned about free birth or the free birth society. And it was through a friend sharing something on Instagram, and I thought that was super cool. So I you know, like, a lot of women became totally obsessed, and it just me in my van and the open Yeah.
Speaker 0
It's perfect. Hours on end to just That's perfect.
Speaker 3
The whole podcast. Yeah. FBS and medicine stories with Amber was like that was all I was listening to and just really leveling up as a young maiden by hearing all of these wisdom stories. And, that's part of why I'm so grateful to be here today because I know the power of medicine stories of sharing and how much it's guided me, how much I've learned. So thank you to all the women who have shared their stories on this podcast before too. So driving back cross country, and I
Speaker 0
submitted You don't you don't have a partner yet?
Speaker 3
I did. I was partnered with Sebastian, but we were on uncertain terms of our relationship here. And and it was still pretty new relationship. Let's see. I'm actually, I met him in February of twenty twenty. Yeah. We've just been Okay.
Speaker 0
So he's freshy.
Speaker 3
Yep. And yeah. And he's ten years older than I am. So I and I was, like, doing my maiden thing. So anyhow, driving cross country, I had been at a lot of, like, national forests and campgrounds. I hadn't been, like, a real home for a while, but I had some childhood friends that lived in Austin, Texas, and I was really excited to visit them and, you know, have a break, you know, sleep indoors for the first time in a while. And I use a toilet in someone's house. And I pull up in front of my childhood best friend, Mika's, house, and I kinda look parked shitty because I've been driving forever. And I'm like, whatever. I wanna just go hug her. And then she's like, yeah. You should probably move your car. So I go back, and I try to start it, and it it's, like, has broken down. It won't start. And I was so glad I made it to her house.
Speaker 0
Yeah.
Speaker 3
I was planning just to be there for a flash and, like, keep going. I had an, you know, a travel agenda I wanted to stick to, but it was like this universal sign for me from the universe that I had to stop and slow down and look inwards. And I'll also say that I've always been very connected with numerology and, like, angel numbers. But once I learned about free birth and it just, like, opened my consciousness with such fascination. You know? At first, it was like, you can do that. Like, that's allowed. That's crazy. You know? And then I was obsessed. I was just inundated with this intensity like I have never experienced with ones and twos. Every time I looked at the clock, the odometer, any receipt I had, any sign. And so as I'm, like, driving through Texas, I'm thinking the universe is trying to tell me something. There's something going on. I don't know what it is, but I'm I'm listening and just so many signs. And now also it was it was twenty twenty. It was October, and I turned twenty two that month. It was also a month where there was two full moons in that October, which doesn't happen that much, that frequently. And I was also born on a full moon. My grandmother had my mother at twenty two. I'm very close with her, and I was also raised in part by a nanny from the day I was born, Solvanna. And she started working with us when she was twenty two. So, like, this number of twenty two and the full moons and all of this was really feeling potent for me. So van breaks down. And because I was stuck at my friend's house for a few days to figure out the repair, it was like, oh, I should probably have had my period by now. I just was so in the mobility lifestyle that I wasn't thinking about my cycle. I wasn't like, it wasn't even on my radar. And I had connected with Sebastian on the East Coast. But anyway, he he wasn't with me. Like, I wasn't thinking about partnership at that time in my life. And so I find out that I'm pregnant.
Speaker 0
And Oh my god.
Speaker 3
I it was the most thoughtless pregnancy to I mean, I've only taken two pregnancy. Yeah. So, like, it was the most thoughtless, experience. And so I just wanna say for anyone listening, especially if you're a maiden and there comes a time that you decide to take a pregnancy test, just like my prayer is that women would pause and give themself, like, even just thirty seconds of presence, grounding into your body, just resource yourself anyhow. Don't dissociate, turn your brain off, pee on it, and, like, flinch to see what happens. Because when I, you know, received this huge information from a stick that, obviously, my body already had, it it was really intense and really overwhelming for me. And, yeah.
Speaker 0
So I mean, just in general, like, realizing I know that, obviously, this is the most common this is the most common way to discover you're pregnant, but still it trips me out. I think about it all the time. Like, discovering you're pregnant when you didn't ask to be on a conscious level, maybe on an unconscious level, whatever, whatever. Yeah. We obviously know how babies are made. I mean, it's not like that mysterious how we get pregnant. Right? But still, realizing you are pregnant when you didn't intentionally and with full consciousness call it in is fucking hardcore. Like, that is a hardcore spiritual slap. Even if it turns into good news, even if it does you know, it just I both I haven't had that experience. That's not how my my two pregnancies have occurred, but I know that that is how most pregnancies occur, and it blows my mind to imagine that.
Speaker 3
Well, you're just like, I'm not alone in here?
Speaker 0
There's been somebody else in here all the whole thing. Yeah. So
Speaker 3
it it was a big slap in the face for me and Totally. Huge initiation. I immediately called Sebastian, and he got on a flight to Austin to be there with us.
Speaker 0
Good.
Speaker 3
Yeah. He's he's amazing. And
Speaker 1
we
Speaker 3
it was very unexpected. And the way that he wanted to approach processing the shock of the information was very male brain logistical, like, dah, dah, dah, dah. And I was just absorbing the feeling and just Sure. Slowness and gentleness and presence and just to integrate this this reality. And we were not aligning. We were not we were butting heads. We were not getting along. And I feel like yeah. I wasn't he wasn't able to show up for me the way I wanted it at that time. So he stayed with me in the van for, like it got fixed. We ended up, I think, I kicked him out in New Mexico.
Speaker 0
So You made it with a little
Speaker 3
chat together. Yeah. I know. It's funny. And tech you know, driving through Texas takes a long
Speaker 0
time. Mhmm.
Speaker 3
So it was nice to have him with me for that section. He gets kicked out of the van, and I'm just like, I need a soul search for the rest of the drive back to California and feel into connecting with this baby and, you know, what I what it is that I really want. And the more I kept driving, the more and more I felt I had a yes. And won't get into too much, you know, how things unfolded. But, ultimately, when I arrived in California, it wasn't I wasn't feeling good. I was feeling like this flame of passion and connection and joy that I had inside of me wasn't, being met, and I became really sad. I started feeling really sick too. I think just like my pregnancy nausea came on, and I wasn't making a distinction being pregnant for the first time that that was pregnancy. And I was like, this emotional pain is really knocking me out. But, you know, it's both things. So I decided that what I would do was I would give myself twenty four hours to embody my no. I had been so clear in this yes that I was gonna go through this pregnancy, pretend for, you know, twenty four hours, I don't have to make a decision. I'm just gonna see what it feels like if I've decided a no and what comes up. But I'm not gonna do it today. I'll do it tomorrow morning. So I go to bed. I wake up that morning. I roll over. I check my phone was one of the first things I did at that time. Try not to do that as much anymore, but check my phone. And the very first thing is a new podcast episode on the medicine stories podcast that the the episode is something about, like, herbal abortion at home, something
Speaker 0
like that.
Speaker 3
And I thought, oh, wow. Well, that's really interesting that this was released today, the day I'm embodying my no. And I think the reason I was met with so much resistance I mean, there's so many reasons, but I couldn't ever envision myself going into a clinic for an abortion, like this cold sterile environment with strangers. And, like, that was just not even within the realms of possibility for me. I grew up with a very alternative holistically minded mom. Like, we never we didn't usually go to normal doctors. Like, it was just that wasn't gonna happen. So this episode was the first time that there was an avenue presented to me that felt possible, where I was like, oh, I can have this experience of choosing no and choosing to release, and it can still be completely imbued with ritual and ceremony and intention and privacy and safety in my own home, which I think are all other words for, like, really keeping my power and not outsourcing. And that's what I ended out deciding to do. And so I worked with a series of different herbs for about a week.
Speaker 0
And And where would you place yourself in the pregnancy?
Speaker 3
I was about nine weeks
Speaker 4
Okay.
Speaker 3
This time. And I obtained misoprostol from a woman online who I was connected with, who, you know, supports women. And I could have gotten it in California, but I think she supports women who don't have access to abortion medications. And, yep. So that was the path I went. I I don't want to speak so specifically about what I did because I actually also wanna say that I don't necessarily recommend what I did. I've supported a lot of women with pregnancy release. And I did it, and it worked for me, but I don't necessarily recommend it. And I also actually hired a doula for myself, which I'm really glad that I did that. So it
Speaker 0
won't mean you don't recommend the miso?
Speaker 3
I no. Not necessarily. I wouldn't recommend, like, poisoning your body with all of these herbs for a week before taking the mesoprostol. Totally.
Speaker 0
I mean, that's what I was gonna say. Just, you know, there there's a lot about this conversation that is not really the intention of of this episode, but, it is my experience and understanding that it's very hard to successfully have an herbal termination after a couple weeks of pregnancy. You know, aft really, I'd even say after implantation, and I don't think women not that you did that. You did plants and then meso. But, yeah, I think maybe what you're hinting at is, like, you coulda just done meso because that's actually what did it. You know? Yeah. At nine weeks.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I think who knows? You know? There's a I've heard so many stories, and and we'll never really know. I feel like the relationship with the herbs and just, like, so much of it is our emotional energetic body too and and how attached there's so much going on when our body releases a pregnancy that's more than just, like, the mechanics of it that for me, I derived a lot of meaning from working with those plants. But I think there's this misconception that, like, if you work with herbs for an abortion, it's more natural. Mhmm. And I don't think that's true at all actually anymore. Working with all of those herbs has to go through all of your organ systems and you have to process. So Totally. Closing that chapter of the conversation, it's a big one that I love having with women in a different setting. Anyhow,
Speaker 0
I So you hire a doula. You take the miso. You're you're doing it as a ceremony. You have clarity. Is Sebastian a part of this?
Speaker 3
He wasn't. I didn't want him to be part of it partly because of how we had been disconnecting leading up to the that decision. Yeah. But I wasn't his apartment. You know? I wasn't in my van, And, that was great. And, yeah, I collected the contents of my uterus over a bowl and got to return that to the ocean and and just have a lot of ritual that was meaningful to me and really anchored me into that experience. And I was shaken for sure.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
But my consciousness and my womb I had just gone through such a huge expansion that I saw myself at a crossroads where I could either kinda shut down, move away from this experience, leave the relationship, start a new chapter, like, diso sort of dissociate, just be like, go over here. That felt easy. And then there was all of these this voice of Emilee Saldaya at the beginning of the Free birth Society episodes talking about the radical birth keeper school, and that was in such resonance with me that I thought, or I can look this experience right in the eyes and realize that I know I've always wanted to be a mother. I I feel so sad that I, chose to release this pregnancy. I never, you know, saw myself doing that or wanting to choose something like that. And I wanna make sure that I am never in this position again, that if I ever become pregnant, that I feel so resourced, so, you know, internally resourced that it's just clear. And, you know, I was twenty two, and I didn't really know anything about birth or pregnancy at that time. Sure. And I just became so obsessed with birth. They're, you know, go moving forward and loved every moment of the RBK school. I studied with Rochelle Garcia Saliga in innate traditions at the same time. So I was also diving into postpartum care and just expanding expanding my consciousness and my and really, you know, feeling all these bells ringing because I was in alignment with what feels like my soul's calling and my purposeful work. And that was awesome and a great way to heal through that experience. So we'll we'll fast forward a little bit here in my story. I started attending sovereign birth, thought that was the coolest thing ever. It was very clear to me that whenever I became pregnant again with Sebastian that I would want to have a sovereign birth. And, Yeah. Margo was my daughter was also conceived in Erica's RV driving cross country.
Speaker 0
You're a you're an RV girl. You're a camper girl.
Speaker 3
Don't say that. That's what he said.
Speaker 0
It's your RV. You bought it.
Speaker 3
Yeah. We did at that time. So and
Speaker 0
that's so what's the timeline here? You took RBK in twenty twenty?
Speaker 3
I think that I took RBK in the spring of twenty twenty one because my pregnancy release, I I believe, was in the winter the end of twenty twenty. Yeah. So I think that was when did you start did you start RBK in twenty twenty? I think I was maybe the third round. Yeah. Yep. And then let's see. I
Speaker 0
So you stay with Sebastian, you take RBK, and you start attending births. I mean, that's a really big deal that you're attending prior to your baby. Like, how how many births had you gone to before you became a mom?
Speaker 3
Just a couple. Not not a lot, but they were so profound such profound experiences for me where it was just the only way. It was just the only way, and it really helped me to to get clear to get clear on what I wanted, to get clear and what I didn't want. It was so wonderful. There's not really there's not really words
Speaker 0
between No. Totally. I'm just, like, imagining. Imagine if imagine if all maidens could witness sovereign birth before they step in. Kind of at the same time, I'm also like, man, I wish every woman could see a hospital birth to know what they're choosing. You know? Because I'm pretty convinced if everyone saw what I've seen, they wouldn't choose it because it's evil.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I have never I've never
Speaker 0
been able to get
Speaker 3
it before birth. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 0
Well, that's beautiful that you attended prior. Okay. So then you come out here to buy that RV, and then you conceive on the way out home?
Speaker 3
Yeah. That was just crazy. We bought the RV. We took it to Burning Man. I didn't know that I was pregnant.
Speaker 0
Okay.
Speaker 3
And, anyway, found out when I got back to California. I had a suspicion. My period was late again. And, well, it's also worth saying, even though it wasn't a conscious conception, I had attended, matric rising festival that summer earlier that summer. And I participated in one of sister morning stars village prenatal ceremonies where, you know, it's literally an inner circle of pregnant women sitting back to back with women who want to conceive. And I that chose to sit in that circle surrounded by another concentric circle of mothers, and we're all singing, like,
Speaker 4
wild woman, mother, midwife, and healer. We will give birth.
Speaker 3
So I'm just, like, in this absolute vortex on your land. It was so powerful, that, you know, I put a target on my back for my for my baby. Like, okay. I'm ready.
Speaker 0
Well, we need to have, like, a disclaimer at checkout. You know, that's like, you're probably gonna get pregnant if you wanna get pregnant when you leave here.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So at my village, prenatals now, when we go through visioning your dream birth and and different parts of the day, I make it very clear because sometimes we do have maidens come to the village prenatals that if you do not want to conceive, hold that intention
Speaker 0
right now.
Speaker 3
Like, it's it's it's part of, yeah, my village prenatals because I know how important it is. And, spirit baby connection is a is a big part of my life. That's something that I take, yeah, very seriously and lightheartedly because it's just so joyful. But, it's very has been very real for me. Mhmm. So, I find out that I'm pregnant. I'm so excited. Sebastian is so excited. I, and I told you before we started recording how we took my pregnancy test at Mytrea, which is this wonderful, Zen nude hot tub sauna, Zen garden situation. House. Yeah. Yeah. It's this awesome place, and I knew
Speaker 0
And this is only, like, a year later from when you had your pregnancy release. Right? Timeline wise, it's like the following fall?
Speaker 3
Yeah. I she was conceived in the end of August, so yeah. And I had grown so much as a young woman, still a young woman, but I had grown so much in that year. It's just so amazing to reflect back on and, find out I'm pregnant. I'm super excited. At the time, Sebastian was still living in San Francisco, but I had moved down to Santa Cruz. I was living in the Santa Cruz mountains with, one of my closest friends in this really awesome off grid yurt, and I was also living there. I also I took the blood mystery school, before all of this also. So that was another really, like, unconscious conscious way that I feel I called in my baby and was preparing for pregnancy was just going so deep into learning about cycle tracking and optimizing my fertility and living cyclically, embodying all all of the goddess archetypes, and really just so in touch with myself, so in touch with my body, my rhythms, and doing that work at this off grid yurt that I was living in and just being able to be naked outside all day, giving my blood to the earth, really resting like I had never rested before during my bleed. I'm so grateful for that time because that also all, you know, just led into preparing myself to call in my daughter. So I was still living there, and, I met this amazing woman who's one of my closest friends, Nina, who's also been on this podcast. And she reached out to me through the Free Birth Society membership to potentially interview me to attend her birth. And on our first walk meeting each other by the ocean, we discovered that I told her I was also pregnant and that I was due around expecting my baby around the same time. And so I probably wouldn't be a good candidate for her birth, but that we should totally stay friends. And we ended out starting the our first village prenatal together for ourselves.
Speaker 4
Cute. Love it.
Speaker 3
That was so sweet. So there was a group of five of us, and spoiler alert, one of the women, Hope, ended out free birthing her daughter. Let's see. On, I think, April eighteenth. I think I have that right. Then Nina free birthed her son on April twenty second. Or sorry. I'm I'm saying April. I mean, May. May eighteenth, May twenty second, and then Margo, my daughter, was born on May twenty third. So three of us free birth within a week of each other. Yeah. And, that was so exciting to just travel through the village prenatal together, start, you know, holding that space for the first time because I wanted it so badly for myself.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
And, also, I started attending Nina's women's circle that she started up at that time, and I was the only maiden that was going. And so that was so I'm sharing this because when I think about, you know, I had a wild pregnancy. Shocker. And when I think about what was really the most potent, prenatal care for me, It was my women's circle for sure. Going and being in the circle with all other mothers and hearing these heart shares about their life and their joys and challenges and being in that community was the absolute best prenatal care I could have received. It was so nourishing to me. And, yeah, let's see. I had an awesome pregnancy. I spent a lot of time in nature. We ended out there was some weird stuff that happened with my housing, and so we moved. And that was really nice to finally move into a home with Sebastian. I had been living with him in his apartment, like, part time in San Francisco for a few years at that point, but, to have a space that we were creating together too that we knew our our child would be born into. And my very dear friend, Sydney, who I was living with in the yurt, since we had to move out of there, she I wasn't ready to to, like, let go of this piece of my maidenhood where I was still living with my bestie, so she came and lived with us too, which was awesome. Buddy. Yeah. Because that was my birth team was Sydney and Sebastian, and it was worked perfectly because she lived with us. Yeah. And I did some awesome things in my pregnancy that I was really proud of. I went on a backpacking trip up in Death Valley, when I was six months pregnant and hiked about, like, a four thousand elevation gain in the duration of six miles. So a really strenuous hike. And I was kind of angry with Sebastian during the hike, so I did it, like, almost completely by myself. But I think about experiences like that of being held by nature, as really what prepared me for my birth too. So so deeply, like, just the in inner dialogue, the connection with my baby, the connection with my body of, like, literally hiking a mountain was such a great way to prepare for having a sovereign birth and just birth in general.
Speaker 0
What would you say was the, like, was the work of your pregnancy? You know, being a a woman who now has seen some sovereign births, which is a huge leg up that most people don't have, knowing that you're aligned with this way. You have this wonderful community of support, but you're still a first time pregnant, you know, woman planning what most people do not choose. And so did you find it to be hard and heady and, like, in the deprogramming that naturally kind of occurs when you're on this path? No. Or did it was it this particular I think I
Speaker 3
did a lot of that work in processing and integrating the release of my first pregnancy and what that really meant to me and and what it was that who I wanted to be if I were to choose to become a mother. Mhmm. And, you know, that's not to say I didn't do a lot of deep work when I was pregnant, but most of it wasn't so much about me. A lot of it was related to my family. I was struggling in my relationships with, my mother and my sisters during that time. And, I also something about me is that I'm hypervigilant about energetic hygiene. And I let's see how to say this. I wanted once as for Sebastian and I entering parenthood together to feel like there was there was no baggage. There was nothing that was untended to in our relationship. And so we created a format where we were scheduling, I think, a minimum of two, but at certain times, it was more weekly check ins where it was just like, it's you and me. No phones. We're gonna sit down together, and we're gonna excavate all of any old wounding, anything that hasn't been processed and really, meet each other deeply and and hold each other where we need to be held and tend to any pain or resentments or anything at all so that we are just, like, going into parenthood from this healed place that's just so has so much intention, and we've really done this groundwork of building a strong foundation for our family of knowing how to move through conflict resolution and what our different styles are. And that was so important to me. So, there was a lot of work done in my pregnancy, but it was a lot related to our relationship. Yeah. And, yeah, I guess sort of like the pain that I had felt from not being supported in the way that I wanted the first time around that I had become pregnant. So that yeah. It it was big work, and, and it was awesome, and I was so proud of us. So I had a really amazing, mother blessing ceremony too, and that was just so so wonderful. And most of the I had a few mother friends there, but at that time in my life, most of my friends were still maiden. So it was really exciting to get to, sort of be an example to my community of maiden friends at the time. Like, hey. When you become pregnant, I also wanna to honor you and sing songs and decorate your belly and rub your feet and and just have a really meaningful ritual together. And that was so special. Another highlight of my prenatal care for sure, being in that intentional community with women and opening up to the, you know, the vulnerability to receive these reflections from my women and receive their blessings for my birth. And then, when I was thirty three weeks pregnant, I went to a an ancestral skills gathering, and I went by myself. Sebastian wasn't available at
Speaker 4
the
Speaker 3
time. And during the duration of this week long gathering, I tanned my first sheep hide. And that was another thing that I talk about because it felt like I reflect on it thinking about it as this labor of love. It's a very intensive, you know, it took about four full days of work, and I was quite pregnant at the time. And we'll get to my birth soon. It was very fast. So I think about being in relationship with my daughter and working on something together, working on something strenuous. And I had the intention as I was tanning this hide that I would give birth on it and that and I would like you know, my baby wouldn't rest on it and it would be a gift for her and she would have it for the rest of her life. So there was so much intention and ceremony that went into that project, really about death too because I'm taking this animal flesh that's, like, muddy and and bloody and fleshy and breathing life back into it and doing that in partnership with my baby who's in my belly. And, I feel like, yeah, there were just these different moments I identify where there was so much intention that who knows if my birth would have been fast anyway if I hadn't done those things, but it felt like I like this sort of pseudo version of pre labor because of just how how, significant those experiences were were me in my mind, body, spiritual experience of of going through them. When I was forty weeks pregnant, I decided I was kinda tired of waiting around. I decided to go on a camping trip with my husband, Sebastian and Sydney and her partner. And we we're about three and a half hour drive from where we live, and I remember pulling up into the campsite or, yeah, pulling up into the campsite. And Ryan jogged over to the car window, and he's just like, hey, Kate. Having any contractions? I was just, like at first, I was like, yo. That's ridiculous. Like, I wouldn't be here out in the wilderness if I were, you know, in labor already. But it I love that he asked me that because it made me reflect, and I was like, well, what if I do go into labor while we're out?
Speaker 0
Didn't you consider that before you left?
Speaker 3
No. I I kinda I think I did, but it validated for me just like once I was there. You know, it's not like, okay, we're turning in the car on right now. But I just knew I had everything that I needed. You know?
Speaker 0
Fair enough.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Birth team was there. Sydney and Yeah. At the river, heat sources.
Speaker 0
I mean, that is one of the coolest parts about free birth. You don't need shit. You can just be wherever you are. Yep.
Speaker 3
And I was pretty fixated that, like, I wanted to be outside and I want an elemental connection to be part of my labor. And I, you know, made this whole drama where I, I borrowed from a friend this huge bell tent that was in our backyard, and I was like the studied I was like, that's where I wanna labor, and I wanna give birth under these oak trees. And, like Wow. I was really thought I wanted to give birth to
Speaker 4
my side.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And when I came to the to the time, I was like, there's no way.
Speaker 0
Move me out. No way. But I still think there's something, because that's very common.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 0
I think that women create, maybe not that, like, beautifully elaborate, but but, you know, decorating a room that you imagine you're gonna birth in. And, obviously, the joke is, like, it's usually not where you're gonna birth. You're usually gonna just, like, get stuck on the toilet and never leave, you know, and and it's not what someone imagined. But I still think there's a lot of ceremony and purpose and value in the time it takes to create these beautiful spaces, even if you never birth in them. You know? There's still something, like because you're dreaming, and you're putting so much vision into whatever space you're decorating. It doesn't even really matter if you wind up going there or not. I still think it's so just sweet.
Speaker 3
Absolutely. And thank you for that reflection. I think it's so apt and and true. It was that was real for me. And, I ended up having my mother blessing in that bell tent because
Speaker 0
Oh, yeah.
Speaker 3
It was awesome. So So you
Speaker 0
make it through the camping trip?
Speaker 3
I make it through the camping trip. I end up giving birth two days after
Speaker 0
we got back, so it could've happened.
Speaker 3
And then meanwhile, I'm, like, die you know, going on rope swings and jumping into these river swimming holes and hiking and whatever we're doing. And also part of a deep nature connection, preparing for my birth, being in my body. And, I get home, and I'm like, okay. It's it's getting close. So what do I really what needs to be done for me to feel fully ready? Last things checked off the list was to finish filling my postpartum freezer. So I woke up on the morning of May twenty second twenty twenty three and to this wonderful news that my dear sister Nina had given birth to her son the night that night before. And in our village prenatal group that there was five of us, Hope had already had her baby a week before, then Nina had her baby. And there was two other sisters who were pregnant, but I knew that they would be expecting to to welcome their babies after me. So in my consciousness, I didn't even, like, allow myself to think, like, oh, I could give birth until Nina had birth.
Speaker 0
Totally.
Speaker 3
And so as soon as I found out she had given her You're next. I was like, it's my turn. Like, I'm yeah. Exactly. I'm next. I didn't realize it was gonna be that night. But so I spent you know, I'm so excited with that news in the morning. I I decide I need to get caught up on the FBS podcast. I think I have, like, a few episodes that was fun.
Speaker 0
A cram session.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So I'm in my kitchen from, like, ten AM to ten PM. I end out listening to Meg, Erica, and your birth stories that day. And they're all they're all big stories, actually. And I really
Speaker 0
like, it was horrible. Yeah.
Speaker 3
I'm gonna say that, but, like, you know, just describing these excruciating, painful, hell like, characters like I was in hell.
Speaker 0
That's really funny. Wait. Which Meg? Sister Nettle Meg or or, Meg Edwards?
Speaker 3
I think Meg Edwards. Okay.
Speaker 0
Who had the really fast first birth.
Speaker 3
Yes. But Yeah. Yeah. She just I just yeah. Yeah. I think so. I know I can't really remember to be honest. But, anyway, three big stories. I definitely wasn't impacted by yours and Erica's. And then, in, like, the online village prenatal that I was also part of through the members through the lighthouse, there was a sister who was you know, we were matched up in our gestation, and she had just given birth, like, a few days before and also a first time mom. And I absorbed her story, which, you know, was very long. Whatever. So, basically, the reflection that I have was that I internalized all of these stories, and I will not be listening to other people's birth stories at the very end of my birth.
Speaker 0
Right. Before you go into labor. Again.
Speaker 3
Mhmm. But, I was just so committed, I suppose, to the idea that I'm a first time mom, and so I'm I'm probably gonna have a really, really long labor. And it might you know, anything less than four days is will be great. I was just so that I was prepared for that. I well, I don't know if I was prepared for it, but that was my expectation. And,
Speaker 0
But those chicks always get the fast births. The women that do that, it's smart, man. I mean, there's downsides to it. But
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. I so, it's about ten PM. I have been literally on my feet all day long kitchen cooking. My feet were hurting so badly, and I asked Sebastian just to please get in bed with me and rub my feet. And I pulled a vanilla pudding cup out of the fridge, and I was like, I'm gonna eat my vanilla pudding, get a foot rub. We can turn on a show, and I'm gonna pass out and rest go to sleep. And that's all I want. And I was just so excited to sleep. So I'm lying in bed, and, we had just started a new show, and it was, like, the second episode. And I just thought it was interesting that in the episode we were watching, it was, like, the main character's daughter's birthday. But we only got, like, a few minutes into it, and I, was just started feeling really psychedelic. And I couldn't look at a screen. I didn't wanna watch it. I got up and felt like I had to poop. I and it was, like, loose. I didn't have diarrhea, but it was definitely this spontaneous cleansing. My body just preparing. And I thought I I kind of was like, oh, that this might be that. That's interesting. Got back in bed, and it was on. I mean, just started feeling the sensations come on pretty strong from the very beginning. There wasn't really any easing into it, maybe a little bit for the first, like, twenty minutes or so. And Sebastian kind of realized that I was feeling uncomfortable feeling sensations. And so he, I think, got up to go get a glass of get me a glass of water or something, and I went and I wanted to brush my teeth and just, like, let me know that I could go to sleep. And so I'm in the bathroom just, like, feeling them come on and realizing while he's out of the room, like, that I couldn't do anything while the sensations were happening. They were I totally needed to pause and just, like, lean over the sink and, let it wash over me. So by the time he comes back in the room, hadn't been that long. I'm just sort of in it already, and he's like, hey, babe. Like, how are you feeling? What's what's going on? Noticing things are happening. And I couldn't even respond to him because I was in the middle of a sensation. And so it ended and I just, like, turned to him and draped my arms around his shoulder, I think, put my forehead to his chest, and another one came on. I hadn't I didn't say anything. And it was this really sweet moment. I think that this is one of my favorite moments of my birth, one of two of my favorite moments where we had this beautiful moment of intimacy that would be our last as a couple of just the two of us before meeting our baby. And that I was holding onto the splendor of this not so secret secret that things were happening, and I didn't need to vocalize that to him or or say anything about it. I kinda got to just, like, keep the excitement for myself. And, even if I hadn't, like, fully consciously admitted it to myself, my body knew what was going on. And I just remember what it felt like to to be in that the magic of the the port the birth birth portal opening and have that really tender hug from him. I always remember how that felt just to be so supported and held by him and so grateful for him and our love and our relationship. So I very quickly decide that everyone immediately needs to go to sleep and yet as much and I'm just, you know, starting barking orders. Like, everybody needs to come to sleep right now. But before I allowed myself to fully rest, I noticed that there were a few vases of flowers in my bedroom that the flowers were had, like, were kinda wilted and had died. And I just thought, like, I can't have that. Have that. Nope. No. So I, like, I know that, you know, my
Speaker 0
A slippery slope, though, because
Speaker 3
then you're gonna keep finding shit. Right. I, like, rushed these flowers out of my room, and Sebastian had got me some beautiful sunflowers that were in the kitchen. So I got those and I refreshed my altar. And in that sort of thoughtless, just intuitively led moment, I lit a candle, and they were like these mini candles, you know, the the circumference of your normal candlesticks, but just, like, half size maybe. And I had multiple options of candles on my birth altar, which had been set up probably for weeks. But I was like, well, this couldn't really be happening, so I'm not gonna, like, light, you know, all the candle. We'll just start with this little one. And I I light that candle and go try to get in bed, which was impossible. I couldn't lie down at all, but it was very important to me that Sebastian go to sleep. So we turn off all the lights, and he was so sweet for humoring me and pretending to sleep. And I end out, yeah, getting comfortable on non comfortable trying to get comfortable on the floor, on my sheepskin that I had tanned and leaning over pillows. And I think I stayed in that place in the quiet, you know, not really alone, but, like, liking to believe that Sebastian was sleeping and went into this deep inner meditation. It was so intense. I mean, I think probably at this point, every five minutes maybe, and it had I'd maybe been in it for about thirty minutes at this time. And I started having this, like, visual hallucination in my mind, of a white spherical portal. And it was like this white ovular shape in the distance, and it was moving closer to me. And all around, it was black and darkness, but in that darkness was fertility, was this sort of rainbow, fractal opalescent, but also darkness background and this white portal that I came to think about, later as a moon Pearl that really represented my daughter. And it was getting closer to me and the mantra, I suppose, that came into my mind when I experienced that visual was the universe is coming. So I just kinda kept saying to myself, the universe is coming.
Speaker 0
The whole universe is coming. Yep. And, coming for you, Kate. It's coming for me. Yeah.
Speaker 3
And, you know, just wanting to to surrender as deeply as I could just to trying to to soften into the sensations. I was, you know, saying take me, take me, and kind of this balance between having the intention in my mind that I wanted to soften and allow and melt and open and be swept away by the sensations of birth while simultaneously trying to not be in my mind and not think about it. Mhmm. So I'm kind of in this place and things are real intense. So I pretty quickly end up saying, hey, babe. I you know, I think I'm ready to not be alone. And he just, like, jolts out of bed, this eager puppy dog, like, obviously wasn't dead asleep and so excited to finally be welcomed and in service to me. And I think he started filling up the the tub. And, we we have this giant iron clawfoot bathtub that is was, like, from the seventies, maybe with, like, these brass gold finishings. There's this beautiful bathtub that a friend of mine had texted me, like, a few weeks before, and they were moving. And she owns this bathtub, and she was like, hey. We can't take the bathtub with us. Like, can can you store this bathtub for me? And the name like, the product name of this bathtub that was created in, I think, the seventies was called the birthday tub. She's like, can you host the birthday tub for me? And I, at the time, didn't have a we didn't have a a bathtub at our house, and I really wanted there to be a water element. So I was like, yeah. Totally. That sounds amazing. I mean, it was hundreds of pounds. It's ridiculous, charade, to to have it picked up from her house and brought into our house, and it's not connected to the plumbing. So we had to, like Oh. Have these hoses connected to the sink and then, like, a drain.
Speaker 0
You know? It's basically as complicated as possible. Yes.
Speaker 3
Very much. And God bless my loving husband so in service to helping me.
Speaker 0
I mean, it's basically just a really heavy birth pool. Right? You just do it the same way as a birth pool.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Like, hose wise.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
Yeah. That's funny. And it, like, like, there was just it was very complicated. So, anyway, he starts filling it, and I get in there pretty pretty soon. And that was feeling amazing, just having the warm water on my belly and and connecting with my prayers of of being held by the water and softening and opening. And, yeah, I started singing a song that, about spirit guides, song from Hannah Lee that she had taught me and was a really powerful mantra for me in my birth. And, yeah, I had at my mother blessing, I had the women make me birth affirmation cards. I think I got that idea from you. And so they were displayed next to me in the bathtub, and one of them was let it all be here. And that was really soothing to me. Yeah. So I was, you know, impossible, very comfortable in the bath.
Speaker 0
Are you willing to share the hand the lay song?
Speaker 3
Yeah. Sure. Let's see. I haven't seen this in a while. It goes, spirit
Speaker 4
guides helping us to open to this life. Spirit guides asking us to see with new eyes. Trusting in this moment of trusting in this light.
Speaker 3
And it repeats like that, so it's perfect for her
Speaker 0
kids to have. I'm just impressed you could sing a song during your birth. Yeah. You know. I could barely think.
Speaker 3
Just like having it to myself. I think that I was aware of this of the mirror in our body of our vocal canal and our lips and our vaginal canal and our vaginal lips and the symmetry in our body. Mhmm. This, you know, idea that if we can relax our jaws and our throats that that can maybe be a mirror in our body. And I was willing to try that. Yeah. Awesome. Anything. Right? But I was definitely in pain and soft you know, going through an experience of suffering that was primarily informed by the fact that I felt so exhausted from having been on my feet all day. And then I was creating a drama that I was going to be in labor for multiple days at one. And because I was beginning it, not like so time.
Speaker 0
Self feeding. Yeah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. That, oh, man. I was being, I guess, just hard on myself. Like, this is not
Speaker 0
Well, when when you make up the story or when you assume your birth's gonna be super long, how you enter it just matters more because I get it. I mean, that is a really self defeating thought of you're already exhausted, especially your labor starts before you can sleep. And so, you know, you don't know that it's only gonna be what you said five hours or something, but
Speaker 3
Three and a half. Yeah.
Speaker 0
Oh, my God. That's so fast. Yeah. But it is a good I mean, it's just a such a it's such a tall order. It is such a giant ask, but it must be done to to get past these assumptions where we have to just like how we have to be ready to birth our babies by, let's say, thirty four, thirty five weeks, and then just hang out and be totally chill about it for another two months. You know? And then in in the birth process, you have to be both totally prepared for four days, particularly if it's your first time, and also totally ready to be so present that you can track with what is actually there. Like, that's a really tall order.
Speaker 3
Oh, yeah.
Speaker 0
You know?
Speaker 3
What What made it even trippier for me was that I never leaked any waters. I have waters in open until Margo emerge. We'll get to that point. I didn't have a bloody show. I didn't Yeah. My mucus plug. So there was no you know, in terms of my training of and the minimal experience I had at births where there's, like, some clear physiology Sometimes. Science. Yeah. Sometimes. Right? I was just expecting to get a little bit of validation from my body. Like, I would have taken one drop of blood.
Speaker 0
Yeah. Just to get Or or, like, when you were cooking all day to have been having sensations, you know, would have been nice. Yeah. So I This is why these stories matter so much, you know, because you're describing a totally normal birth, of course, because it is and it was. And some births do go like that, and and a lot of women don't know that. Even birthkeepers don't know that, yeah, of course, you can totally just stop dropping. It's on, you know, with no presigns. Of course. There's so many ways. Wow. Okay. So you're in the tub. You're singing.
Speaker 3
I'm in the tub.
Speaker 0
You've been, like you're, like, an hour in or something?
Speaker 3
Yeah. Probably something like that. And I realized that I don't have my beverage lineup. So Uh-oh. I'm like, okay, Sebastian. I think it's time to wake up Sydney. And thinking that I'm gonna be you know, it's just the very beginning, and I'm gonna meet her later. Just, you know, have her go get the beverages and then tell her to go right back to sleep so that she can be well rested because I'm so fixated that other people need to sleep because I'm so exhausted.
Speaker 0
You were, like, managing this birth.
Speaker 3
Oh my gosh. Yes. And, so he gets Sydney. And at this point, like, even the sound of him opening the door to go in the hallway, just excruciating.
Speaker 0
Yeah.
Speaker 3
So bothersome, so irritating. And, she can't possibly have imagined that I'm so deep in it already. I she, I think, has a lot of extensive experience with animal births, which I loved and was part of why I wanted her, but had never been to a human birth before. And, you know, I was just in the kitchen with her, like, just before. So
Speaker 0
she Totally.
Speaker 3
She comes in, and she's so excited.
Speaker 0
Oh, god. Get out. Shut up. Get out.
Speaker 3
She might have only said one sentence to me. Just like, you're doing great. I'm so but it was you know, she didn't realize that I was so in it. Mhmm. And I will say that I'm so grateful for her presence. Her role, you know, bringing the beverages was awesome. And, it was very brief, but I did. I was in the tub, and I reached out of the tub and draped my arms around her for one hug. And during that hug, a sensation came on. So she just held me during one of the sensations, and that was the only time during my entire birth that I cried. And I think it was just, like, the safety of being held by a sister, and she is a wise woman. And and just having her presence and, connection allowed me to soften in this way that, I don't for some reason, I didn't feel like I really could with Sebastian. So, love that she was part of it and then go get out of here and go back to bed. And after she she leaves, I it's so intense, and I realized that I was going through transition in the tub because I started to say I started to think, you know, this I'm just at the beginning. This I will have this hasn't been going on for that long. If it's this intense for for another few days, I can't do this. And I was, you know, empathizing with women who want to use drugs and, you know, have hospital births and all this stuff. And I was like, I totally understand why you would want that. And that and so I said to Sebastian, no matter what happens, just don't give up on me. Just keep believing in me. Even if I think I can't do it, you have to keep believing in me because I'm afraid that I'm gonna think I can't do it anymore. And, of course, as soon as I allow myself to be there and say that, it shifts, and I feel ready to get out of the tub and, becomes far less excruciating after that point. And, I get out of the tub, and I want to be positioned with you know, on my sheep skin in front of my altar. And I decided to go in to to go into a state of prayer and pray at my altar and can just connect in because I needed I needed more support, and that felt resonant. But it was this type of prayer where let's see. Sometimes when when I pray or when people pray, I think it can be very specific with the words of, like, what the content of your prayer is. And there's this other way of praying that I had been meditating on recently where you don't need to have any words in your mind. But whatever the frequency is that you're emitting from your heart, whatever your intention is that's in your heart, that that's even more powerful and that can be heard and felt and amplified. And I was so exhausted that it wasn't like I had all this creative energy to formulate a mental prayer, and I didn't wanna be in my mind anyway. But it was this beautiful, profound experience of prayer that I could probably only access during a birthing experience where I'm so present in my body with the sensations, with the profundity of, you know, this precipice of meeting my baby and still having these visuals of this spherical, portal the opalescent portal that's approaching me, and it's getting closer. And so I just sent out a prayer to my to my spirit guides and my angels just you know, I want to make sure that I'm held and protected and my baby's safe, but just, you know, without those words, that that was really what the frequency was about.
Speaker 0
It's psychedelic. It's hard to articulate.
Speaker 3
Exactly. So I just was filled up with this rush, this sensational rush of validation, this response from God, Like, we got you. You good? And then I think around that time, I looked down and there was maybe three drops of blood. And I just thought, oh, thank God. And as soon as I saw that blood, which our blood is so powerful always, it was so comforting to me. And I saw it reflected back to me in my blood, my own power, and I just knew. I I think at that point is when I finally actually surrendered in a totally different way than I imagined what type of surrendering I would need to be doing, which was the surrendering to, like, this is happening. Like, just be with it as it is right now. And Stop
Speaker 0
came in and out.
Speaker 3
Exactly. And so I finally accepted where I was at, and it felt like for the first time in my birth that I was in integrity in my body and my mind and spirit. I was in alignment.
Speaker 0
You, like, caught up.
Speaker 3
Yep. Exactly. And that's you know, I think one thing about births that are so fast is that they can be so shocking that just to be dropped into it, I didn't have time to, like, to mentally prepare. Like, oh, this is happening.
Speaker 0
This is early labor. This is active labor. Transition will be soon. Yeah. Totally. It's it's a big it's a big deal.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So I'm very open to receiving that type of experience of birth in the future future
Speaker 0
just to put that out there. And, But at this point on the sheepskin with the blood, you're, like, integrated now.
Speaker 3
I'm integrated. I'm caught up. And and in doing that, I also felt a shift in the physical sensation. Like, before, it was just the most organizing pain. And now it was still painful, but more than that, I was able to be in awe. I was able to be in beauty and, just experience aspects of of bliss and excitement of what was happening, and it just totally transformed everything. And so at that point, I knew that Sebastian had, you know, no idea that we were actually getting that close. I think I asked him at one point, like, are you filming? Which wasn't something I thought I would care about, but then when I realized, like, oh, it's happening right now, and he was like, oh, no. You know, I'm not. And then he was like, well, I was just gonna fill up the tub again. Like, do you want me to go I was just gonna go start filling up the tub. And as I've described, it's a very complicated, loud situation. Yeah. And so I was just in I was horrified. I was like, why would you do that? The baby's coming. And he, you know, got caught up to speed and realized Yep. So I started feeling her crowning. And one thing also that was interesting to me about my birth was that all of my sensations came on very fast and were very close together from the beginning. And the closer I got to her emergence, the farther apart they were. So that's also part of what I think, you know, after transition made it more bearable for me was I had a a slightly longer rest in between. Yeah. And, yeah, I think there was maybe about nine sensations between, you know, feeling her start to descend and her being out. Woo hoo. And Wow. At one point, I this is my other favorite moment of my birth, which I know is thematic. This is a favorite of many women's in their birth when you reach down and you feel. And I felt her water bag bulging out of me, and it was squishy. But then I, you know, hooked my fingers up and reached around that, and I could feel her head. And that was so so awe inspiring to know that we were so close. I was so close to holding my baby. Mhmm. And, you know, so it was only maybe one or two sensations after that, and she shot right out. Sebastian was behind me to catch her, and she was sort of born she was born on call in the sense that she had an intact water bag in in her whole her emergence. But as she ejected herself from my body, it opened. So it wasn't like she was born in a sack that I then ripped open. And she just splashed right into her daddy's hands, and he passed her up through my legs to me and, you know, immediately. And I held her, and she was crying immediately, pink and very vigorous in her body, and her arms were outstretched like this. And one of the very first things that I said to her when I held her and I looked at her and you saw she was a girl was, you look like my dad.
Speaker 0
Oh, that's
Speaker 3
okay. My dad. And I in retrospect, I remembered that when I told my father that I was pregnant, he the first thing that he did was he reached both of his arms up over his head, and he just went, yes.
Speaker 0
Cute.
Speaker 3
And so it was just funny that, like, I looked at her, and the first thing I said to her was you look like my dad, and she has her her, like, victorious little arms outstretched. And, then I very, very quickly shifted into becoming my own midwife. You know? I and I called right away also, like,
Speaker 4
Sydney, get in here.
Speaker 3
And And she and Sebastian are there. They're crying. They're just, like, in awe, and I'm, like, starting to bark orders. I'm like, okay. I need socks on my feet. I need warm blanket.
Speaker 4
Like, come on, people.
Speaker 3
It's you know, immediately feels freezing after you're super
Speaker 4
hot.
Speaker 3
And, yep. So I wanted it to be over. I mean, it had been fast, but it it was so excruciating. And and I wrapped my fingers around my cord and gave my placenta a tug to see if she was ready, and she wasn't. And I knew I was, you know, being impatient, but worth it worth a try. And so I, yeah, I sat there with Margo and just admired her. And one other aspect that I'll share is that so I was born at two thirty three AM, and Margo was born at two thirty four AM, one minute after me. And at the very beginning of my pregnancy, I was at a Yom Kippur Earth based Judaism campout in Sonoma. And an aspect of the ceremony was going into an, an ancestral council where we were led by elders in this guided meditation that if you were to call a council of your ancestors, who would come, who would be there, and what would you talk about? And I was newly pregnant with Margo at the time. I think it was actually my it was my birthday that day. And I went into this meditation and my grandfather, Robert Gold, my papa Bob, he showed up and he was hand in hand with my child that I was pregnant with. And he said, I am going to walk with your I didn't know she was a girl at the time, but I'm going to walk with your child to the threshold and be with her and care for her and protect her and honor her and love her. And I got you. And anytime that throughout my entire pregnancy hand, and I it changed everything. It just softened everything, and I felt so supported and so deeply connected with him. And, yeah, he had passed, maybe a year or two before I was pregnant. And, throughout his life, he would sleep with an alarm clock a clock in his room and hit his sort of thing, his numerological connection was that he always would see one, two, three, four on the clock, like, all the time. That was his thing. One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four. And after he passed, myself and my mother and my grandmother, we started seeing one, two, three, four a lot, and that felt really, you know, connected to him. So I and he had a a very robust sense of humor. So I sort of interpreted her birth that he was like, okay, Margo. It's two three four, and you better be better right now. And you can borrow the one as the difference of your mom's birth time. Otherwise, he has to be in this for another however many hours. So, that was that was really beautiful, and there's a lot of meaning in her name. She's, my great grandmother's name was Margaret, and she had five children, and all of their names start with m a r. So, the m a r theme is is big in my family, and her maiden name was Margaret Gordon. And then my grandmother's name is Marsha Gold. So she has this m a r g o from her maternal line, and I named her Margo Luna. She well, she told me her name actually during my pregnancy. I was awoken on a night of a full moon, and it just came streaming into my consciousness what her name would be. And so when I held her there and she was sort of born on call, you know, she was just like this shimmery moon pearl. I Margo means pearl and and Luna obviously means moon, and it just felt like so much alignment with the timing of her birth and all of these synchronicities surrounding her, and I held her in my arms and just thought she is this perfect shimmering little moon pearl. And that was what I was seeing in my mind's eye, this portal approaching me. And, yeah, she, like, didn't even have any blood on her or meconium not I didn't really barely notice any vernix, maybe a little bit. And that that was her. That was my Margo. And, so I got into bed. I, I ended up resting in bed for a little bit and then trying again to get up to birth my placenta, which I ended up just putting a bowl over the toilet and giving wrapping my fingers around the cord again, giving a good yank, and it definitely took more effort than I was expecting, but just such sweet relief after. And that was followed by a lot of blood. I had very very little blood during my birth, but then after placenta and after Margo came out, there was, of course. And
Speaker 0
It's all gotta come out. It's all gonna come out. If it doesn't come out with the baby, it'll come out with the placenta. Yep.
Speaker 3
Yep. So, yeah, I got cozy back into bed and was just so so blissed out, and that was my birth story with her.
Speaker 0
Yeah. Have you ever considered painting this oval portal vision?
Speaker 3
Well, that's interesting that you would say that because I haven't, but I have considered painting, and I intend to paint, my red thread. So anyone who who's listening who doesn't know this analogy of the red thread can refer to our maternal line, this unbreakable ancestral line that, you know, everyone was born to a woman for the to the dawn of time for you to be here and your mother's mother's mother's mother's mother. And so I've considered painting, like, my red thread with along it, different totems of these women in my ancestral line, and I can idea. I can name seven generations of my maternal line. But I kinda struggled in formulating, like, what the background would be. There was pieces of the painting that were missing in my mind's eye. And so I'm so glad that you said that because it just sort of clicked for me. I was like, oh, that can be like, that's the top or that's
Speaker 0
the top. I see it as this, like, really big piece of canvas, and it's, like, black, but, like, rainbow black. Like, this I can kinda I I feel like I can see it in my eye in my mind's eye, and then this, like, epic shimmering pearl coming for you.
Speaker 3
Oh, well You should
Speaker 0
paint it. That just sounds like a cool however it comes out, that just sounds like a cool it's just such a cool vision, and it was so present. You know? That's like a real visual gift for you.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Thank you. I I intend to. And I had an awesome postpartum. I, you know, having studied in eight traditions and RBK and having done postpartum care work before my birth, I I knew how to set myself up and what kind of support that I wanted, and I stayed in bed. And I pretty much stayed in bed until my, first forty days and bonded and nursed and skin to skin and had an awesome meal train. And, yeah, Sebastian was so so supportive during that time. So I really have just such fun memories from my postpartum bubble, and I'm so so grateful for the experience and who I've become because of it. And who have I become because of it? I embodied I embody now the profundity, the power, the expansiveness, that comes with birthing in power on your terms, in this way where we can become initiated into motherhood. And I want that so deeply for all of the mothers who are ready to choose it and and the baby is to be born in reverence, in honor, in peace, gently, and feel that it is my my life's calling and the most holy devotional work for me in this life to support and resource resource mothers in whatever way that I can to, calling that into being for thriving families, for resilient thriving communities. So I think Margo was about maybe six or seven months old when I started. I went back to going attending births and attended a lot of births in her first year and a half of life. And that came from, starting up the village prenatal again. So I knew that I had, you know, done that for myself when I was pregnant, and that was something that was so important to me to honor or to offer as a service to my community that, you know, if women want to have this experience of sovereign birth that they know that, hey. We're here in in the mountains and the forest, and we gather, and, there's just nothing like having another woman to mirror that back to you. And I credit so much my relationship with Nina and other woman in our village prenatal for, yeah, just resourcing me to choose this. So, yep, I hosted a village prenatal in this home every month for the last year. And I think I haven't counted in a while, but around thirty and soon to be more babies have been born from women coming to that village prenatal. And so that has you know, then we had all these mamas coming with their, like, four or six week old babies back to the village prenatal because the community is so delicious. And I was like, okay. Well, now we're talking about birth and postpartum, but this is supposed to be for pregnancy. So I started a mama baby postpartum connection circle as well. So we were doing two circles a month, and, it's just evolved so so much into this magnificent community that I'm so honored and delighted to be a part of cultivating here in Santa Cruz. Yeah. So, if you're local, if you're listening to this and you are in the the Bay Area or in Santa Cruz and you wanna be connected and come to a women's gathering, I'm not quite doing them every month anymore. A year of doing that was a lot for me. So and also, Celia, who you know is and Laurie are now hosting monthly village prenatals in the East Bay. So so so that'll be that kinda shifted over there. But there's still lots of gatherings happening and, planning a course and in person, sovereign birth course as well. So there's always lots of exciting birth related stuff happening in our community. And if you're listening to this and you wanna be connected, please do reach out. And, also, you know, for any women who are listening and this parts of my story were in resonance or alignment and you want to reach out and be in connection, this type of sisterhood that forms through walking the path of sovereign birth is so sacred to me and something that I I cherish and I love. And so I'm always happy to, be in relationship with sisters all over the world. My family and I travel a lot, and I've had the awesome privilege of meeting up with sisters that I've been connected through, through the free birth world all over the place. And I just love, continuing to weave this web of global sisterhood so that we are all resourced to birth and power.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 0
I'm thinking back to the beginning of your story, and I just think it's really cool that you through through this, you know, painful, totally unsatisfactory dynamic with your own mother, which could have easily led you to be terrified of becoming a mom. A lot of women with who would describe their relationship to their mother similarly, like how you did, tumultuous, don't think they want kids, or they're really scared of it. And I just think it's cool that you had willingness even so young to be inspired by it, you know, and to, like, fantasize and visualize a different way. It just says so much about your courage and your, like, capacity for evolution and vision. And, yeah, I'm just so proud of you.
Speaker 3
Thanks, Emilee.
Speaker 0
I really am.
Speaker 3
I'm so grateful to you and truly would not be where I am today if it wasn't for you and the work that you do. And so I just wanna honor you, and I'm I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I wouldn't have known about free birth. You know? Maybe I would have remembered somewhere else along the line, but just it's different to be so resourced with the way that you have dedicated your life to such a comprehensive breadth of offerings, you know, everything from online support to the podcast, to in person gatherings, and studying with you and sister Morningstar at the midwife within. And it's just absolutely who I am today is so deeply informed by your life's work. And I'm I just bow to you in so much gratitude, and I honor you and see the way that you are, playing such an essential role in spearheading this worldwide birth reclamation movement that I am honored to be part of and, I'm so deeply dedicated and devoted to for my whole the rest of my stay here.
Speaker 0
Yeah. It's so it's so it just feels so good to see women like you, especially because I've known you for years, to see what you're doing, you know, and that you, like, came under my wing in whatever way you did and then and then went and did the thing. And you're walking the walk, and you're bringing the women in and, like, thirty babies in your community in this short time. And, I mean, this is it. This is how it happens. This is a sustainable model, you know, what we're doing and the passing of this and the ripple effect. And, you know, I'm thinking about so many women in the beginning of this, like, stuff will come to me and be like, no one came to my first circle. Or, like, they'll just be all confused about what they're doing. You know? And it's like, just stick with it. Just slow down, calm down. And something I I like that you pointed out several times was you were so beautifully motivated for yourself to create a community. You know, it wasn't just this, like, professional move or, this, like, hero thing. It was like you needed it. You wanted it. And so you, you know, paired up with another kindred spirit that also needed it and wanted it. And that's just so beautiful because, you know, we're yes. Of course, you attend, but the way in which you attend and the way you serve your community is such a inside out process of you being resourced enough to even have that to give, to share. You know? And I think it is a really different paradigm. I think you represent a very different paradigm of serving your community than this old way of martyrdom and, you know, being empty and exhausted and yeah, like, the sacrifice, you know, this kind of old way of of birth work and of motherhood. And I think yeah. It's beautiful. It's just so beautiful to see. I'm so glad you're you and I get to be alive at the same time.
Speaker 3
Yeah. That's so awesome. Thanks. Yeah. It's the coolest thing. And one of my favorite parts of hosting these circles is having women come, and they're not quite sure what they're getting themselves into. Yep. They're, like, firing their midwives at at thirty eight weeks. I've been multiple times to women to come to my circles.
Speaker 0
I mean, is there anything more powerful than being around women who've already walked the walk? Like, that is the most fast paced, you know, shifting I feel like we have, which is why the podcast, though a virtual resource, you know, has had such impact. But the podcast can't touch what an in person circle can do, you know, and that you have, you know, just woman after woman now. Like, oh, it's just such a gift. That's such a such a gift to the women coming into their babies, of course. It's com it completely changes everything.
Speaker 3
Truly. And for any women who are wanting to start women's circles or start village prenatals and might be anxious or nervous about it, I certainly was at the beginning, just remembering that it isn't even about the content of your words that you share, but about the frequency that you hold. And when women gather and we are in integrity and embodying this frequency of knowing the truth of birth, that it is this contagious, awakening. We're mirroring back to that woman. It's like, well, if you can do it, I can do it. And it's this lights on, you know, the within the frequency that we emanate are the codes of remembering.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
So it's, just so powerful, the ripples and the spirals and the beauty and the joy that we can cultivate together when
Speaker 0
It's true. Women are so cool. I mean, I I realize it every time that MRF begins where I get in you know, like, all year. I'm working on it, and and it's so much work, and there's so many moving parts, and it's just, like, a real labor of love. And then we arrive, you know, and I, like, I curate the whole schedule, and, like, it's all just like, I do all of it, you know? And then I get there, and everyone arrives. And every year and this happens in smaller ways in smaller gatherings, too, but MRF says it's just, like, big marker for me because, of course, it happens every year the women arrive, and all this stuff I couldn't have predicted happens. That's beautiful. That's magical, magical. You know, stuff that's outside of just my brain because hundreds of women have now gathered with this shared intention, and it's so I can't even do it justice in in articulating right now, but I'm so surprised every time groups of women get together all the magic that just pops up, you know, the stuff that isn't scheduled or planned by me. Because, of course, when women gather, all this magic just happens. It's just how it goes, and a circle is like a like a microclimate of that. So speaking to your the potential nervousness that anyone might have about a circle is like, well, it's not really about you. That's what's so cool. It's like, do the work to organize it and to get the women there and for them to know the address and text everyone a reminder. Like, do that part, and then light a candle, sing a song, and see what happens. And even if you just, like, ask everyone how they're doing, just let women gather in this way because all this magic, as women get comfortable, will just start to come because everyone has something, you know, to offer and and will contribute as they relax. And MRF's like this mega like, it's on steroids version of that that's just like, wow. Like, everyone's contributing just by being there and by being inherently magical. You know, everyone's contributing in this way that always just surprises me. Even, like, just how women will, like, add stuff to the altar or, like you know, I'll just, like, walk in on women, like, rearranging a flower vase and just, like, the it's just, like, their essence to contribute and to beautify and to to love on each other. You know? It's it's so good. So a circle I just see as a, like, a very low stakes space to just allow that to be. You know?
Speaker 3
Awesome. Yeah. Well, I'll just reiterate in closing that, I really am devoted to being in service to women. And so if you live in a community where, like many women, where you don't have a circle of like minded women around you and you want to walk this path, but you feel, alone that you don't have to be and that I'm always happy to be connected and with with women walking the sovereign path with the wild women. Oh. Thanks, Emilee.
Speaker 0
I hope you enjoyed the show today. You can support this podcast by donating to it through the link in the show notes below and, of course, leaving an awesome review on whatever platform you listen on. The more reviews, the more visibility the show gets, so let's spread the good word of Sovereign Birth. Don't forget, you can watch our podcast interviews on YouTube and see the women as they tell their birth and power stories, and you'll also find our viral free birth collection of epic raw birth videos on our YouTube. Make sure you're subscribed to our channel. We've always got a lot going on at Free Birth Society, and you can find out all about it at free birth society dot com, at free birth society on Instagram, and opt in to my newsletter below. We offer courses on free birth, authentic midwifery, the blood mysteries, as well as one on one coaching, in person retreats, and, of course, our annual women's gathering, the matriarch rising festival. Our exclusive private vetted membership, Lighthouse, is definitely something to check out if you're looking for a community of wise sisters to get guidance from and to meet in real life. Together, we rise sisters. We must speak our stories, fully claim our lives and support one another. This is the living revolution and I am so grateful to be in it with all of you. I'll leave you with our gorgeous Free Birth Society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba Red.
Speaker 5
I honor you for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored. Eons upon light beams of survival, withstanding, the eradication of our power by design. I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth in captivity. The picket line we define from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging out babes. Strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts, keep your needles. My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons all your poison. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention. Death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back from the star.
