Speaker 0
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Speaker 1
Into the wild, I'm going. Into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom challenge since I left my roots back home. Into the wild I'm good. Into the wild I hid. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 2
Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative, we'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya. It's been
Speaker 1
a wild freedom change since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 0
Women, it is twenty twenty five, which means it is time for you to take your place in the sovereign birth movement. I am thrilled to announce that our absolutely groundbreaking, life changing, consciousness shifting, super popular program, the Radical Birthkeeper School is now open for enrollment. This is your chance. We run the Radical Birthkeeper School once a year, so now is the time to jump in. You love this podcast. You're obsessed with birth. You want a better world for women and families. So here it is. I am inviting you to join the eight hundred and fifty women from over thirty countries who have taken this program and now are confidently bringing this work forward, protecting the sacredness of birth, being an option so desperately needed for mothers and babies. From women brand new to birth to curious mothers pregnant with their first child to disillusioned midwives and doulas, even OB GYNs and nurses, women are flocking to this new paradigm of birth consciousness and the Radical Birthkeeper School is the gateway. The RBK School is the place to gain the language and the knowledge to communicate and step into the sovereign birth paradigm with confidence. If you feel the call, answer it by taking your place in the RBK School. Head over to w w w dot radical birthkeeper school dot com today to preview the full curriculum, hear from our many graduates, and learn more. Mentorship, sisterhood, lifetime access, the knowledge, wisdom, and guidance you need to take your place in the sovereign birth revolution all totally unlocked. Be the change. Join us. Radical birthkeeper school dot com. Alright. Welcome, Panika. Hi, Emilee. Nice to have you here. Nice to see you again. It's been a minute.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I'm so excited for this, and, thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 0
So I met you first through coaching. I think we did a birth trauma debrief, right, together. And then you took the radical birth keeper school, and then you came to MRF. Were you pregnant with your second?
Speaker 3
No. Not yet.
Speaker 0
Not yet. Okay.
Speaker 3
It was right before.
Speaker 0
Okay. Cool. Oh, so did you do MRF and then RBK? Yes. Okay. Cool. Mhmm. Okay. So I know you have a big story to tell. Yeah. And I'm I'm just looking forward to getting the whole thing out. I never really got to hear about your free birth with your recent child, so that'll be fun. So just take us take us wherever you wanna start with your first. You know, I have some memories of of that session. And, you know, for anyone listening, you know, I wanna frame this to say, you know, Fanika is gonna share an upsetting story that has obstetrical violence as almost all hospital births do. And it's really important. You know, I re I'm really grateful to you for sharing it because I want women to know that there are other options. I want women to know that what's happening to them, is not unique, you know, that this treatment is commonplace and unacceptable. And, you know, for you to do the work and choose a peaceful birth, you know, in in the aftermath of your first birth is just so important. It's so powerful, and it's so inspiring. So you start wherever you wanna start.
Speaker 3
Thank you. Yeah. So when I first got pregnant, I was clueless about birth, especially birth in the system. I I did know I wanted to have an intervention free natural medication free birth. So I hired a doula, and I thought, you know, she would guide me and help me process all the options.
Speaker 0
And this is taking place in Florida?
Speaker 3
Yes. Okay. Yeah. I'm originally from Switzerland, but we moved here almost ten years ago. So, yeah, I thought she would help me, and I knew I was interested in home birth. But then after reading, a horror story online, I was like, never mind. Abandoned that idea again. And then, when I told her I was interested in water birth, she said there was not really any option around, like, no birth center or hospital would allow you to give birth in the tub. And yeah. So I started compromising on things that actually mattered to me. Yeah. And at that time, I I believed that the hospital would be the safest option, and I thought that I could still have an undisturbed birth there.
Speaker 0
And why did you think that?
Speaker 3
I didn't really see anything that, like, would speak against it. Like, I don't know. From the birth I heard from my mom and my sister, it sounded pretty peaceful. And also the birth videos that we watched in the hypnobirthing class that I took with my doula, it was as hands off as it can be, I guess, in a hospital setting. And she said also that the hospital was hypnobirthing friendly, whatever that means. Whatever that means. Yeah. And when I toured the hospital, that was actually kinda funny. They showed me the low intervention room. And then,
Speaker 0
What's different about that room?
Speaker 3
They supposedly, like, are aware that you don't wanna have interventions and try not to. Or I don't know. It's kinda like a catch, I think. Like, you think that, you know.
Speaker 0
It's like it's just another room on the floor.
Speaker 3
Yeah. It had, like, a shitty little bathtub that they showed me, but when I asked, you
Speaker 0
know allowed in?
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. To labor, but not to birth. And when I asked why why can't I birth in there? She said, because they can't clean it well enough. I was like, you're a hospital. What?
Speaker 0
Gross. Yeah.
Speaker 3
It's just so, yeah, it was just an excuse.
Speaker 0
Yeah. And, obviously, it's a combination of you don't know. Like, you've never been at a hospital birth. You've only collected what you have from your life, from other people, you know, from the tour, from what your doctor says. And it's hard to imagine that it it's hard to imagine that it's going to be what it's going to be because it's so inhumane. No other time in our lives are we treated that way.
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 0
You know? So, I think that that plays a big part of this, you know, I guess we could call it ignorance, right? Like not knowing, just not knowing. So of course, you're gonna have a natural birth in the hospital. Why wouldn't you? It's like so innocent. And and once you know, it's like, of course you're not going to, but but people don't know, and they're lied to, and they're they're set up. You know, the hospital's set up as like a, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. And then the hypnoclass is in cahoots with it. The doula is in cahoots with it. Like, god. It's just so many so many things stacked against this innocent first time mother.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. It's what happened. So, yeah, I I was just getting ready for birth. You know, everything was good. My pregnancy was perfect, so I didn't really get that much. You know, they were not right trying to mess with me there because there was no issues, not even for in their eyes. Like, I had a textbook pregnancy is what my doula said. Yeah. Labor started at home, and everything was good. Everything was calm. But as soon as we got to the hospital, things just started going south. First, they didn't let the due line because it was, COVID. And, yeah, that day, I guess, they had the restrictions up for her to not go in. And my husband also wasn't allowed in until I was admitted. So I went up alone, and they gave me forms to fill out. Like, I I already had pretty strong con contractions and yeah. And then they hooked me up to the monitors, gave me antibiotics because of my GBS. I was the one thing. And then they brought me to my room, which was supposed to be for COVID patients. They didn't have a low intervention room anymore available. What do you
Speaker 0
mean it was for COVID patients?
Speaker 3
I guess it was reserved for women who had COVID. I don't know. And it only had a recovery bed, which is gonna be relevant later. Like, not a labor and delivery bed. Just like you know, one with a foot or with a rest on the on the bottom of the bed, like a railing
Speaker 0
Okay.
Speaker 3
That you can take off. And then it can just, like, lift the headrest, and that's it.
Speaker 0
More like kind of a gurney?
Speaker 3
No. It was like a recovery bed. Just a Yeah. Can't think of what
Speaker 0
that means. But okay. So that's a weird start. And quick question about your doula not being allowed. So you had no idea that was gonna happen?
Speaker 3
Yeah. No. I didn't.
Speaker 0
So that's a really big hit
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 0
Of just your team falling apart upon you.
Speaker 3
She didn't either. Like, she she came to our home, and we we all went together. She took her car, and then we were all in front of the hospital, and they didn't allow her in. And then she just left again. I was laboring. I had a male nurse. He was, you know, he was kind, but yeah. God. And then at some point, the male doctor that I had, came in and did an unconsented vaginal exam when I was on all fours facing the wall.
Speaker 0
Wait. What do you mean? You're just like, it's just surprise he's inside you?
Speaker 3
Well, to be honest, I don't remember the moment. Like, Matt told me after the birth that he did that, and I was like, my heart just sang. I was like, what? So, yeah, I was unaware. He didn't, like, make eye contact, and he just, like, checked me.
Speaker 0
But you didn't notice it?
Speaker 3
No. I just I mean, what I do remember is him telling me afterwards, like, you know, you're, like, at eight centimeters. Woah. But you know? So he had to check me. But Weird. Okay. I didn't, like, put one on one together at that point. But, yeah, it was so and that was, like, the first kinda violation. So, yeah, I just I I lost really like, the minute I stepped into that building, I lost the bare minimum of my basic rights is what I realized later. Like, my my birth plan, which was really my medical decisions, it just it meant nothing. And I had, like, brought it to my appointments, and all the midwives and doctors who I'd seen had, you know, looked at it and told me, yeah, it was it was good. It was beautiful. Like, nothing was said about it not being okay or feasible or not gonna be respected or something like that. I didn't know I would have to, like, ask for just, like, the basic, like, you know, asking for consent thing, like him asking me, like, making sure I was aware for for, like, vaginal exam. But, yeah, that was the first thing that happened. And then when I started the need to to push, I, I just couldn't relax. I was so tense, and I was just, like, not able to surrender. I was laying on my side, and then I wanted to squat. But when the nurse went to get the squat bar, she couldn't fit it on the bed. And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. Just how like, I was thinking that why is she just not helping me squat? Because the, you know, the bed was soft. I was kinda confined. Like, on the right side, I had the antibiotics. On the left side, the monitor. So yeah. And what I didn't think about before the birth is that I wouldn't even feel, like, going off the bed onto that gross floor where everybody's walking around with their shoes coming from who knows where, like sick rooms or I don't know. So it was just yeah. It was confining, and I I just decided to go back onto my side. And that's when the monitor went off. The nurse started panicking, and then the doctor rushed into the room. And he said he looked at the monitor and said, we have to get the baby out. And he ordered me to lay on my back and hold my breath while I push, and he kept, like, checking me without, you know, asking. More nurses came in, and they were just standing in the corner watching, which felt really weird. Oh, yeah. And the one of the nurses lowered the headrest, like, all the way flat without warning me, and it startled me. And I was, like, I was laying all the way flat on my back, like, not propped up by a pillow or anything. And because it was a bed that, you know, you couldn't remove the foot rest or the foot railing, doctor was, like, sitting on the bed with me on the side of the bed.
Speaker 0
There's this thing in the hospital that a lot of doctors and nurses, I've heard them talk about. The term is called implied consent. And the idea is that by being there, it implies that you consent to what they wanna do. It's about as sick as it gets, but I've heard providers say, why would I need to ask consent? They're here. This is they're here for this, so it's redundant to ask. It's pretty wild.
Speaker 3
Yeah. That was exactly my experience. Yeah. And, yeah, he kept, like, checking me and stretching me, and I didn't know it at that moment. I figured that out, like, weeks later, but when he was checking me, it was really painful, and that was because he was preparing me for a vacuum extraction. And he hadn't, like, talked to me about it. It was like I was not what
Speaker 0
you mean he was preparing you?
Speaker 3
So later, when I researched, you know, how vacuum extractions work, I I, saw that one of the steps is that they, do a vaginal exam where they feel between the cervix and the head of the baby, like, where the fontanelles are so they know where to attach it. And that can be really painful because they're showing their fingers in there.
Speaker 0
Right. Gotcha.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 0
And you're not on an epidural?
Speaker 3
No. Yeah.
Speaker 0
I have feeling everything.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. It was I felt like I was in hell. Laying on my back was, like, the last thing I wanted. And, like, everything that they told me to do was just completely opposite to what my body was telling me to do. And, yeah, it felt like he was basically pushing her back inside while I was trying to push. And and, suddenly, he said, I'm gonna have to use the vacuum extractor. And that was minutes before he used it. And, yeah, I just I I didn't even feel like I was acknowledged as a person in the room because he wasn't, like, talking to me. He was talking to the nurses. And, yeah, he he announced that to me, but, like, he didn't explain to me or he didn't ask me or give me any options. It was presented as, like, an absolute necessity. Yeah. Like, if I didn't do that, my baby was gonna die. That was the atmosphere in the room. And, my doula was on the phone, and Matt was actually asking her for some guidance because he heard him say that. But she just said, you have to listen to the doctor. That was her support. The moment when he pulled her out, I I don't even remember that part. I just felt completely disconnected from the lower part of my body. It was like he was really far away, but, like, I was I was all the way up in my head or somewhere out there. But he was, like, sitting right next to me, like, touching my leg. And, yeah, it was just completely dehumanizing and degrading and, yeah, the most traumatizing thing I ever experienced. And, when she was born, she was perfectly fine. Like, no signs of distress whatsoever, APGAR of nine, if that whatever that means. But yeah. I mean and then they laid her on my chest and tried to rub her down. And we told the nurse to stop, and she just chose a different spot to keep rubbing. And I couldn't even greet her properly because they wouldn't let me have that moment. They just kept rushing on with their procedures. Fondal massage, they gave me Pitocin, and he was stitching me up for quite a while for a first degree tear. That was that was the birth.
Speaker 0
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 3
Thank you.
Speaker 0
So upsetting. Like, this is this is so many women's initiation into motherhood is to be degraded and humiliated and wounded. It's just it's just like, when's it gonna stop? I mean, you made it stop, obviously. One and done. Like, you learned and didn't go back. Thank god. You know? So then what happens? You know? Like, I'm curious about I'm curious about in the immediate aftermath because every, you know, woman kinda handles this differently. Are you like, he saved my baby? Like, did you fall for it for any period of time? When when do you start to question it and understand that you were just you know? I I mean, I don't I don't wanna put words in your mouth. I'll let you answer it.
Speaker 3
Mhmm. Well, part of me definitely wanted to believe that you saved my baby. Yeah. But immediately after the birth, I just felt shaky and wired and, like, weepy. I was just, like, crying a lot and trying to, like, understand what happened. I, I couldn't sleep even if the baby was sleeping. And I, spent a lot of time researching low heart rates and vacuum extractions, like, obsessively. And, yeah, I I pretty quickly felt like, you know, that just felt really wrong. And I had a phone call, with my doula a few days later, and I asked her, you know, why why they didn't ask for my consent. And she said, you know, basically, what you just mentioned before that the minute I signed those papers when I got to the hospital, that that was that was my consent. And I felt so flabbergasted why she would believe that that was okay, really.
Speaker 0
There's no such thing as consent. Like
Speaker 3
Yeah. Then why why did I an
Speaker 0
abuser doesn't ask for consent. This is what's so like, women need to understand this. You know? Like, an abuser doesn't look in your eyes and say, do I have your permission to abuse you now? Why would they do that? That's not how it's gonna go. But there is this like, again, what we said at the beginning, it's understandable when you don't know the truth to assume that in twenty twenty or whatever it was, that you were going to receive humane care. Like, that is an under you're you're not an idiot that you assumed that. You know? Right. Yeah. It's just there's such a big discrepancy of what we assume and how bad it actually is that, you know, we've gotta get hip to
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 0
Before these stories happen. Right? Obviously. Yeah. So your doula just, like, sucks and is just, like, a part of the whole thing.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I mean, it really upset me after that phone call. I was in tears, and I was just like, you know, why would you help me ride a birth plan then or, like, any
Speaker 0
of those things? Ugh. Yeah. It's so out of integrity.
Speaker 3
Or why did I bring my music and my lights? Like, fuck that. I just want, like, basic respect.
Speaker 0
Yeah.
Speaker 3
And she also said that if I would have done the hypnobirthing breathing, my baby would have maybe had more oxygen.
Speaker 0
Stop it. Stop it. She did not. Ew.
Speaker 3
She also said that I was loud and I don't know. It was just I felt really
Speaker 0
She, like, critiqued how you were in the birth process while you were being abused? Oh my god. That's really sick.
Speaker 3
God. Okay. So double whammy. Yep.
Speaker 0
So then so, obviously okay. So you hang up from that call, and that sucks. I'm assuming you stop turning towards her after that. So then what happens?
Speaker 3
Yeah. It's just, I went into a really dark place. I kept replaying what had happened over and over. I had flashbacks. Mhmm. I wasn't sleeping. I had intrusive thoughts. I felt like I had, you know, failed, and I had, like, a lot of overwhelming rage and grief. So I I just at first day, I really wanted to believe that they, you know yes. It was not okay for them to not ask me, but I still kinda wanted to believe that they saved my baby. So, did my husband. But I still I I deep down just felt like, okay. I'm not sure about that. And I wanted to, have answers. I wanted to figure it out. So I ordered all my records, the fetal heart rate monitoring strip, and I was researching and, contacted a human rights advocate to write a complaint letter to the hospital and also had a an independent OB GYN who looked at the monitoring strip confirm that, you know, it was indeed unnecessary and that she had been fine, which I you know, looking at it, I kinda thought that, but I'm not, like, an expert in looking at those monitoring strips. So I just wanted that con confirmation, and it was validating, but also absolutely, like, devastating to keep facing that truth that it was all unnecessary. It was just, yeah, it was really hard. It it absorbed I like yeah. It absorbed all my time and energy. And then also caring for a newborn, and that process was it was just overwhelming.
Speaker 0
How does the hospital respond?
Speaker 3
It was really hard to, like, get them to respond at all, and I was like, I I was persistent. I kept calling and messaging or messaging writing emails. I wrote that letter with that advocate, and they just wanted us to go away, really. They they were ignoring us a lot. And then, you know, once they realized that we're not going away, they they just try to say whatever, like, act as if they cared to make us go away.
Speaker 0
So did you ever press charges?
Speaker 3
I was thinking about it, but then as I was, like, contacting lawyers, who are, by the way, just as gaslighting as the doctors, the midwives, my doula, my therapist, even, like, yeah, myself. Like, I was gaslighting myself a little bit, but all of them were gaslighting me. And, yeah, the lawyer said that I yeah. There was no no case. They were not gonna win that case, so they were not gonna take it.
Speaker 0
I mean, that's not necessarily gaslighting. Right? Like, that's just kind of the truth.
Speaker 3
Yeah. That's true. Yeah. No. I meant gaslighting in the fact, like yeah. Basically But, you know, you went there. He didn't assault you.
Speaker 0
Yeah. I mean, this this happens, right, with with women all the time where they they well, when when birth in the hospital is inherently violent and and rooted in sexual assault, it then becomes normalized. And so it's then just perspective. It's like, well, everyone's more or less getting treated the same. They're all getting sexually assaulted, but only a couple of them realize it. And then you go see a therapist about it. She's as traumatized as you are or he. You know? Like, she had the c sections because they lied to her. Like, they're all a part of the same system. They're all brainwashed. So it's it can feel impossible to find anyone to speak the goddamn truth to you.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. I I found it really hard to wrap my brain around the cognitive dissonance that I was observing in people. Like, on one hand, they were acting as if, you know, those normalized procedures were okay, and they were dismissing it. But they were, at the same time, admitting that it was rushed and probably or possibly unnecessary. So it was just like, yeah, mind fuck.
Speaker 0
So how does this affect your life and your marriage over the next year or two as you're processing all of this?
Speaker 3
It was really hard. Like I said, I was, like, overtaken by rage, and just I was crying a lot. My husband had to help me a lot with the baby. Like, I was barely able to take care of myself, and he, he couldn't work as much as he would have. And, yeah, it affected our relationship. Like, the ripple effects were visible or I could feel that it affected my whole family, really. Well, I did, I wanted to say that I did go back to that doctor, unfortunately, at the beginning because I wanted to have answers. And he was gonna check my stitches, and then he he did a Pap smear without asking me. It was just like another violation, like another unconsented thing to continue that normalization of, you know, those unconsented procedures, I guess. I don't know. He was acting like there was nothing wrong with that. And then he, like, he just he was all over the place with his answers. He didn't even remember if I had an epidural or not. So yeah. And, when we were discussing, I told him that maybe for the next birth, I would like to be in the water, and he was like, no. And, you know, he didn't really believe that that helped at all. And I was like, how do you know? And his answer was because I read more than you. So that really showed me what he thought of me. Like, I'm this stupid little woman. Mhmm.
Speaker 0
Yeah. Every every way that he treated you showed you that.
Speaker 3
Right. So, yeah, I I just I wanted to burn the whole world down. And, when I was talking to that human rights advocate and writing the complaint, which was taking up a lot of my energy and also, you know, wasn't cheap, I still thought that that was, like, some sort of mistake. Like, it was just this, like, one doctor. It was, like, you know, bad apple type thing.
Speaker 0
Oh, jeez. You didn't realize this was just obstetrics.
Speaker 3
Not yet. No. It it took like, the process took me a little bit. Yeah.
Speaker 0
Yeah. Well, why would you? You know? Why would you know? Yeah. You know? It's it's kept so it's kept so sneaky, so apart from all of us. And then, you know, women are birthing alone in these rooms and then going home all traumatized and and and barely can find space or or energy to talk about it. And then when they do, they're gaslit, and it's all, you know, re, internalized. And so it it's how it's allowed to continue.
Speaker 3
Mhmm. Yeah. I yeah. I totally agree. I didn't, I with time, I then realized that they didn't want any feedback, and I realized, no. That was not a mistake. They that is actually how they want it to go. And Yeah.
Speaker 0
Of course. In every way. I was at a birth one time a very long time ago back in my doula days where, the mom was doing great. She had begun to push. She was in the stirrups, you know, like a good girl, and the doctor comes into the room, didn't say anything to the woman. It's the first time that we're seeing the doctor. She wasn't a part of the birth at all up until this point. And the doctor walks in holding a vacuum extractor, and she looks up at the clock, doesn't even acknowledge the mother who's splayed open with her vagina out, you know, working really hard with the nurse and and me, I guess. Anyway, this woman walks into the room, looks up at the clock, and then looks at the nurse and says, I have to pick my kid up in thirty minutes. And then she walks over, sits on the stool, puts the vacuum on, pulls the baby out, you know, and then rips the placenta out and stitches her up and leaves within thirty minutes. It's like, yeah. Right. Like, how interesting. That woman was even honest that it had nothing to do with the mother. It was that she needed to go pick her kid up. And this is just yeah. Of course. Sure.
Speaker 3
Sick.
Speaker 0
It's so sick. It's it's almost it's almost hard to conceive how deeply evil it is unless you've lived it or seen it, you know, hundreds of times. Okay. So then what?
Speaker 3
Yeah. I I had no idea that that's how much it could affect me. Like, I thought you know, I kinda thought of birth as a means to an end before, and I thought, oh, I'm gonna get through it somehow. I didn't realize how much the environment and the people during my birth could affect me and what consequences that could have. Because I I mean, there were moments I thought, oh, I'm never gonna feel okay again from that. Yeah. And I felt so much grief not having experienced birth the way I felt in my bones it should be. I felt like, yeah, I was robbed of that. And, yeah, I just I knew in I knew in my soul that birth shouldn't feel that way. And I knew I wanted to have another baby, but I, yeah, I needed some more time to process it. And and then about one and a half years after the birth, Matt found Free Birth Society podcast, and he suggested it to me. And then at first, I thought, you know, yeah, free birth is a little extreme. But the more I learned, I I knew that that was exactly what I wanted.
Speaker 0
It's, like, funny, right, that it's extreme. Like, doing it without abusers
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 0
Is is not extreme. It's actually extreme to go to the hospital and allow them to do whatever the fuck they want to you and your baby. That's pretty hardcore. Mhmm. But, obviously, we're trained to do it. You know? It's just like, actually, that's really extreme. But I understand. Of course, everyone thinks free birth
Speaker 3
is crazy at the beginning. Mhmm.
Speaker 0
So you hear it. You start listening. That's one and a half years postpartum, and then what happens?
Speaker 3
We purchased the complete guide to free birth and started listening to it even before I got pregnant. And then soon after I booked that integration session with you, when you said like, when you called it for what it really was, rape, I was like, yes. Thank you. It it felt so validating. And, yeah, because the gaslighting and the bullshit I heard from other people was just like another layer
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
Of crap I had to deal with after the abuse.
Speaker 0
Like, if that's not rape, what is?
Speaker 3
Right.
Speaker 0
You know? I mean, people really need to think about that because sometimes when I talk about obstetrical violence, sexual assault, rape in birth, yeah, people are like, woah, woah, woah. But do you think rape only happens with a penis? Like, of course not. The FBI definition on their website is, something like using instruments, fingers, or genitals to, penetrate another body. It's something like that. Because, of course, of course, that's what it is. And if we don't call it what it is, it gets to continue.
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 0
Like, if he didn't have a white coat on, we could call it rape. Like, if it was if it was at a party and he did the same thing, oh, it's because there's a baby involved, it can't be rape? Like, that doesn't make any sense. It's such a nonsensical way to diminish the everyday violence that's occurring to women's bodies and their babies. Okay. So I'm glad I validated the obvious.
Speaker 3
Definitely. Yeah. And, at that point, I learned about the radical birth keeper school, but at this point, I didn't feel like I was ready for it yet because I knew it would be quite hard for me to walk with women women if I couldn't have that free birth myself that I so deeply desired. Like, I felt like it would be too painful at that point in time where I was at to support women in that and witness it or, yeah, hear about it was hard. Yeah. But I did feel the calling to to support women. So, yeah, I would say that through that trauma that I experienced, I I, yeah, I was called to birth work. I it ignited my passion for birth work. And then as soon as I got pregnant, I signed up for the birth keeper school. And it was just so sweet to to do that in my last trimester to participate in the classes while being pregnant. It was just perfect. I was still at first, I was still worried about possibly having to go back to the hospital for, you know, any reason. And I was worried that he would be there. And I was so relieved when I heard that he didn't have any he lost his privileges or he didn't have privileges at the hospital anymore. And I kinda like to believe that I had something to do with that. And I just, really enjoyed, you know, being able to do what I wanted to do during my pregnancy, not having to worry about appointments, just tune in and prepare, nourish myself. And, yeah, it was just another blissful pregnancy. I was trying to soak it up as much as I could. And it was quite a funny coincidence that right after like, the day right after the birth keeper school ended, I went into labor. Cute. And,
Speaker 0
one juiced up for it.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And one of the women who did the school with me, Tatiana, she led a song circle, that day, an online song circle that was just a really sweet beginning of labor. Mhmm. Yeah. That's sweet. So, yeah, it was a Saturday morning, and we had a relaxed family day. When I after I put my older daughter to bed, I wasn't able to sleep, but I was just laying there listening to Yolanda's pain, the solution meditation over and over and, yeah, just going with the flow. And at about two AM, I couldn't, like, later anymore and woke Matt up. And he went to fill the pool, and he brought me food and drinks and blankets. And we had salt lamps throughout the house, just very low light. And, yeah, I was just moving around. I went outside because it was actually a quite nice night, not too hot, not too warm. And I was watching the trees, kinda sway in the breeze. It was kinda trippy. It kinda reminded me of an Ayahuasca ceremony. When I, had a candle lit and listening to my free birth music, it was just really peaceful and calm. And yeah. When Matt, you know, did all what he could do to, like, help me, I just told him to go back to bed because it was kinda nice not having anybody around. Like, I felt I felt like I was holding back a little bit because I knew he was around. Like, even though he was not, like, sitting right next to me or, like, watching me or anything, I just felt like, you know, he could turn the corner anytime, and I didn't feel like I could quite, you know, let go as much as I wanted. Just moving and vocalizing. So it was really nice to be able to just, like, drop deep, like, into myself and, like, yeah, just focus inwards. So I was, like, switching between rooms. I was in the living room and, like, walking around, laying down, and I was able to nap between the sensations. That was really sweet. And, just the music and the swaying, it was it was just perfect. And I did what I had, like, learned in Yolanda's portal about pain. Like, I with every sensation, I went I didn't, like, try to push it away. I I went, like, right into that pain and focused on it. And it was it felt like work, but at no point did I feel like I couldn't do it anymore. Yeah. And with with the breaks that I got, I was I I was really good. I was in a perfect space. And then suddenly, I felt like I needed to push. And I was like, oh, already? Like, I was, yeah, I was kinda surprised because it was it was not, that intense. So I I went and got Matt and Amelia, and they just had gotten up or they had just woken up five minutes ago. And he went and scrambled to fill up the pool with more hot water. I ran to the bathroom. I mean, ran waddled.
Speaker 0
Yeah. It
Speaker 3
was it was really hard. Yeah. It was really hard to walk at that point, I realized. And Amelia got, like, a little worried at first. Like, she didn't know what was happening. But when we explained it to her, she calmed down immediately and just was watching and helping. And then I already, like, felt the head, and Matt was, like, still feeling feeling the pool. And then I got in, and I had, like, a moment of doubt, and that's when I called Yolanda, who I had asked to be my virtual support. And she was just so gentle and calm and reassuring like she always is. And, yeah, it reassured me. And, yeah, she reminded me to trust and surrender. And Matt had to hang up on her because the baby was coming and I caught her by myself. That was I loved that part too, just being able to catch her by myself. And then I was, like, awkwardly holding her realizing that she was, like, really slippery and that it was not that easy to not drop her back in the pool. Yeah. And it was just, yeah, it was just perfect, like, the way I I had imagined my birth to go. And it was simple, and we relaxed in the pool until I felt I was ready to move to the couch. Yeah. About an hour after the birth, I felt like, okay. It's time for the placenta to come out, and I was able to birth the placenta without problems. And, I kept it in a bowl until the evening and just relaxing with Leanna. It was just magical, really. And then in the evening, at sunset, we went in into the backyard, and we did a cord burning ceremony. And it was that was also another part that felt really sacred, like, just being able to do that with with no rush
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
And no intrusion. Yeah. Just the peacefulness of it all. Yeah. But I was at that time, I was ready. It was like the the cord is cold, and the bowl, I have to switch it for nursing. And, yeah, it was it was a good moment. And I had different options, because I wasn't sure if I was gonna, you know, be bothered by the smell or, I mean, if any of us was gonna be bothered by the smell, burning the cord. But, yeah, I I liked No. Yeah. It
Speaker 0
wasn't. Yeah. It's fine. Yeah.
Speaker 3
And I liked not having the plastic clamp on the cord afterwards. That was nice. Yeah. So so what would you say
Speaker 0
that having your free birth gave you or gave you back after your first birth? Like, how has it shaped you and changed you?
Speaker 3
It was just the last piece I needed to to heal and to actually feel like whatever all happened to me was really as it, I guess, should have have happened. Like, I I felt whole. Like, I felt whole again, and I felt proud and, you know, confident. I felt like there was something that came out of all that because I I felt that if I wouldn't have had such a traumatic birth, I might not have had to push to real to come to that realization
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
That what I wanted is free birth, if that makes sense.
Speaker 0
Mhmm. A lot of women say that.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So I was really thankful for that, you know, in a weird like, in this type of way, I was thankful for my journey.
Speaker 0
Well and because you chose to learn and, like, do the work. You know? Like, I always get weird when people are like, everything happens for a reason. It's like, I don't know about that, but you can make there be learning. You can make there be transformation from darkness. You know? Mhmm.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Definitely.
Speaker 0
Anything else you wanna share before we close?
Speaker 3
Yeah. I I would also say that my experience taught me the sacredness of birth, and that it's not just physical. It's deeply spiritual and emotional. And, yeah, women are born with the knowledge of how to birth their babies, and they can if they're given the space to do so. That's what rings really true for me.
Speaker 0
Of course. True for all animals. Right?
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 0
Not just a means to an end.
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 0
But something to really protect and allow. Well, thank you.
Speaker 3
Thank you so much for having me. It was so nice to see you and talk to you and share my story with you.
Speaker 0
I'm proud of you.
Speaker 3
I appreciate you.
Speaker 0
I hope you enjoyed the show today. You can support this podcast by donating to it through the link in the show notes below and, of course, leaving an awesome review on whatever platform platform you listen on. The more reviews, the more visibility the show gets, so let's spread the good word of Sovereign Birth. Don't forget, you can watch our podcast interviews on YouTube and see the women as they tell their birth and power stories, and you'll also find our viral free birth collection of epic, raw birth videos on our YouTube. Make sure you're subscribed to our channel. We've always got a lot going on at Free Birth Society, and you can find out all about it at free birth society dot com, at free birth society on Instagram, and opt in to my newsletter below. We offer courses on free birth, authentic midwifery, the blood mysteries, as well as one on one coaching, in person retreats, and of course our annual women's gathering, the matriarch rising festival. Our exclusive private vetted membership, the lighthouse, is definitely something to check out if you're looking for a community of wise sisters to get guidance from and to meet in real life. Together, we rise sisters. We must speak our stories, fully claim our lives, and support one another. This is the living revolution, and I am so grateful to be in it with all of you. I'll leave you with our gorgeous Free Birth Society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba Red.
Speaker 4
I honor you for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored. Eons upon light beams of survival Withstanding the eradication of our power by design I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me My sisters will no longer birth in captivity. The picket line redefined from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging our babes. Strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts, keep your needles. My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons all your poison. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention, death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back to the star.
