00;00;03;10 - 00;00;37;04
Unknown
Welcome to the Rebirth podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning and exploring and celebrating their autonomous choices in childbirth together. While unpack truths, share personal stories and claim our ability to birth freely and intuitively. Here's your host, Emily Saldana.
00;00;37;06 - 00;00;59;05
Unknown
Today we have the story of an intended free birth turned hospital delivery. Linnea is from a very small town in upstate Michigan. After being physically and emotionally abused at the local hospital with her first child, she was left traumatized and knew she could never return there when she became pregnant again. She decided she would feel safest birthing at home on her own terms.
00;00;59;07 - 00;01;26;29
Unknown
However, as she got close to pushing in her bathroom, her boyfriend got scared and called 911 and they whisked her away. Linnea did her best to return to the place of her first birth, and still found a way to birth on her own terms. This story speaks to the importance of having your whole team truly on board with your plan, and what can happen when they are not.
00;01;27;02 - 00;01;59;17
Unknown
All right. My name is Linnea. I'm living in the U.P. of Michigan. It's really unpopulated up here, but I'm by northern Wisconsin. I have two kids. My oldest is turning three this May, and my youngest is three months now. I had him this past December right before Christmas. And he was your free birth? Yeah, it was technically done at a hospital with the OB nurses, but I birthed it my way.
00;01;59;20 - 00;02;20;18
Unknown
So I suppose you can call it unassisted. I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first, and I was so excited. And I did all of my prenatal care by the books. You know, I figure we have two OB doctors in the whole area that I get to have. So I picked the one that I was familiar with from nursing school.
00;02;20;20 - 00;02;40;24
Unknown
And I really enjoyed my journey with. And then when it came time for my last appointment before I had my daughter, I had asked, you're not going on a town again, are you? And you said, yeah, I'll be gone all weekend. Well, I knew I was going to be in labor. And I said, well, this is going to be fun.
00;02;41;02 - 00;03;07;10
Unknown
You know, who am I going to have? And when it came time for me to get ready to go to the hospital, I didn't really feel like I wanted to go. But my boyfriend was freaking out and he's like, we have to go, we have to go. I'm like, okay, fine, let's go. So once we were there, the nursing staff was really rude and aggressive and restricted me to the bed.
00;03;07;12 - 00;03;28;14
Unknown
Soon as I got there, they were pushing pain meds on me. And then they didn't tell me that when you have this pain that you can't get up and move around telling me not to make noise, telling me I'm not breathing, but never encouraging me to breathe and do positive things. So after that experience, I said, I'm never doing this again.
00;03;28;17 - 00;03;52;29
Unknown
Yeah, I want more babies, but not this way. This is not how it's supposed to be. Yeah. So fast forward. I started working and leaving my daughter then was really difficult for me, and I feel like a lot of that had to do with the traumatic birth experience of her. I felt like I always had to be around her to protect her.
00;03;53;02 - 00;04;22;23
Unknown
So leaving her was hard. Yeah. And then I did go back to nursing school. I got my R.N., and right before graduation, I found out I'm pregnant with my second. I was very excited, but I said, you know what? We're not doing this the same way. My whole pregnancy is I tried educating my boyfriend about home birth and why it can be better and why for so many people, it is better and safer for them and their babies.
00;04;22;25 - 00;04;50;13
Unknown
And he didn't want to hear it. He said nope. People have babies at hospitals because things go wrong and I'm not going to be here when something goes wrong. If you're doing it here. That's horrible. That's not very that's not encouraging. And I said, this is really important to me. We can make this work. So I had an OB doctor because that's what my insurance covered was an OB doctor at our local clinics.
00;04;50;15 - 00;05;16;13
Unknown
I also had two choices this time around. I had the same doctor I had last time, and then I had a new doctor that I wasn't familiar with. So I went with the new doctors, and he was a little younger, so he was a little bit more open to my wishes. But he was still under hospital policies and said, you know, I hear you, but my hands are tied.
00;05;16;15 - 00;05;43;15
Unknown
What were you trying to do? What were you saying? I was saying, I don't think that prenatal care is one size fits all. I said, I don't want to go through with your routine labs and tests and your routine procedures unless it becomes medically important that I do. Appointment was the intake exam with the nurse practitioner and she said, okay, well, here's your cup.
00;05;43;15 - 00;06;03;06
Unknown
Go pee. We have to do your labs. And I told them, no. I said, I refuse to do that. I don't need you to tell me I'm pregnant. I'm here because I am pregnant. And they didn't like that. And then they're like, well, time for your pelvic exam. And I said, no, thank you. I said, what exactly are you looking for anyway?
00;06;03;09 - 00;06;30;14
Unknown
And they said, they come in the beginning of your pregnancy. Yeah. My first appointment, they wanted a pelvic exam in labs. And I told them no. I said, you know, I know the signs of an infection and I do not have any of them. So if that changes I will let you know. But until then I'm not having this done and you've already had a vaginal birth break.
00;06;30;17 - 00;06;53;11
Unknown
So I told them that I have had the same sexual partner, you know, for the past several years. And we have both been monogamous. And I am a very, very low risk for STDs. And that's what they were looking for. So I told them, no, I don't feel like this is important for me to have, but thank you.
00;06;53;14 - 00;07;15;00
Unknown
And they looked at me like I was nuts. So oh man. Then this nurse practitioner, she said, well, if we're not doing labs and we're not doing your pelvic exam, why did you come? So she, asked me if I knew when I obviously did and, well, what day I conceived, actually. I told her, you know, we had intercourse on this day.
00;07;15;00 - 00;07;46;01
Unknown
I waited that weekend. So it was sometime in those couple of days. Then she started that. I didn't know what my concession conception date was. Well, and I needed an early ultrasound to date. The pregnancy. Wow. Well, I wasn't sure what I was in for yet. So I went to my ten week appointment then, and the first thing that happens before I get introduced to my doctor or anything was take your clothes off.
00;07;46;01 - 00;08;13;07
Unknown
This is a vaginal ultrasound. And doctor comes in with a medical assistant and a speculum, and culture sticks. I said, what are you doing? He said, we're doing a pelvic exam first and screening you for STDs. I said, no, you're not. And we had to go around about. That was probably a 20 minute argument between me and him about the urinary tract infections and STDs.
00;08;13;09 - 00;08;42;24
Unknown
And I told her if I don't have symptoms of a UTI, it probably isn't a problem. And he said, well, isn't it true that sometimes UTIs don't have symptoms? And I said, yes, but in those cases they don't need treatment either. So I wasn't worried about it. And I talked to him about, how uneasy I was about delivering at this hospital.
00;08;42;26 - 00;09;16;14
Unknown
I said, I'm having my prenatal care done here because this is where my insurance is covered. But I would really like to use my pregnancy to explore other options for birth. And he said, okay, I can understand that. Did you explore forward? Did you explain anything about the trauma of your first birth? Absolutely. I felt that that was the most important part, because I needed to have a good relationship with my new doctor.
00;09;16;17 - 00;09;43;15
Unknown
I needed to fully trust him in order to have my baby at this hospital with him. I needed to know that he was going to respect my wishes and, you know, really be there for me because I'm the patient and it's my body and it's my baby and it's my birth. So, you know, I went through my prenatal appointments somewhat regularly.
00;09;43;18 - 00;10;04;16
Unknown
They recommend, you know, every four weeks at first and then every two weeks and then every week I went and I got my blood pressure checked, and the nurse practitioner talked to me about the GBS screening, and I did that as well. And she said, you know, babies die from this, right? And I said, yeah, babies die from a lot of things.
00;10;04;19 - 00;10;31;06
Unknown
And she said, but you need to have this done. Then I don't feel I do. So she didn't like that answer. She said that, you know, it's my choice. And as long as I know what I'm doing and what risk I'm taking, then I guess she she can get this. She can support me. I mean, that is I think that is the essence of informed consent.
00;10;31;07 - 00;10;56;14
Unknown
You know, that you're practicing. There is the right to say no. And under the medical oath that these people take, it is their oath, their commitment to medicine and to their patients to support your plan of action, not the other way around. Right? Right. So this nurse practitioner, I liked that visit with her. Because I did feel supported.
00;10;56;16 - 00;11;19;21
Unknown
Good. You know, that was probably the only visit I had that I felt really supported. There was one visit. Before that last one with her, where I had switched to the other provider, the one that I had with my daughter. And before he even started talking to me, I knew it was going to be a bad visit.
00;11;19;21 - 00;11;48;26
Unknown
He just had this look on his face that he hated the fact that I was there. I don't know if him and the other doctor were talking or something, but, he comes in the office and he says, hi, what's an I do for you? And I said, well, I am this far along in my pregnancy. I'm seeing, you know, this other doctor for prenatal care, but I was thinking of maybe switching to you instead.
00;11;48;28 - 00;12;08;11
Unknown
And he just shook his head. I was he told me he's not into delivering that babies. Whoa. And that. Yeah, that's what he said. I'm not into delivering the babies, but if you want to have a home birth, then that's on you. And when you have to come to the hospital, I have a legal obligation to take care of you.
00;12;08;12 - 00;12;29;09
Unknown
So don't worry about that part. Whoa. But no, I can't have you out to visit. You're too much of a risk. Grab my hand on my knees. And you said thanks for coming. But don't worry, you won't be charged for your visit. Wow. And you walked out the door. Oh, that is intense. Is your is your partner with you for any of these prenatal or are you by yourself?
00;12;29;11 - 00;12;52;09
Unknown
I'm by myself. Wow. So I'm sitting in this office staring at that open door that he just walked out of, holding my two and a half year old daughter and crying with my big pregnant belly, wondering what the hell just happened. Yeah. So, you know, I'm sitting in my car and I'm crying and I'm calling my boyfriend, telling him what happened.
00;12;52;12 - 00;13;12;07
Unknown
So he came and sat in the parking lot with me and just waited for me to get done so I could drive home safely. It was a really rough day. At that point, I just kind of decided, heck, with these guys, this is my birth. I know that I can do it by myself, and I know that there's other options there.
00;13;12;08 - 00;13;17;21
Unknown
I just have to find them. So.
00;13;17;23 - 00;13;40;12
Unknown
That was basically all of my prenatal care that I did get, and I didn't have any complications with that at all. I was happy with my choice and I would do it the same way again. And at this point, is your boyfriend more on board because he's seen what you've been going through or where's he at at this point, being so close to delivery?
00;13;40;14 - 00;14;03;07
Unknown
He is saying through the home birth for not having blood all over the walls, and I'm not sending up all that mess and we are going to the hospital and that's that. Wow. He was telling me that having a home birth would traumatize him. It would traumatize our daughter when something bad happened to me in the baby. Oh, and that would be on me.
00;14;03;09 - 00;14;29;01
Unknown
He told me that if something happened to the baby and I lived, he would kill himself in front of me. So I had to deal with that guilt. Whoa. And it was really, really not good. Supportive. You must have relationship about that. Yeah. You must have felt so alone in this process. I yeah, I was very alone in the process, but I still stood strong through it because I knew what I needed and what I wanted.
00;14;29;03 - 00;14;51;08
Unknown
And I mean, the mention of a home birth with a midwife to any of our parents was a really bad idea to even bring up, because it was just harassment after that about what do you mean you're having a home birth? What do you mean you don't want a doctor? What do you mean? You're not going to your prenatal appointment?
00;14;51;10 - 00;15;12;22
Unknown
And I just assured them that people have babies all the time. It doesn't matter if they have a planned hospital birth with an OB, they could still deliver in the car on the way there. Of course, in their case, it's like. I mean, it's dealing with it's actually dealing with brainwashing, you know, so it doesn't matter what you exactly.
00;15;12;22 - 00;15;43;09
Unknown
They are so brainwashed there. I mean, and it sounds like unfortunately your partner too, like convinced that everybody is going to die if you don't walk through those glass doors. Exactly. So, I mean, I just took it among myself. I kept it to myself. I didn't tell anyone in my family what I was doing. I had a couple of close friends that I was able to reach out to for support about.
00;15;43;12 - 00;16;03;22
Unknown
I mean, not that they really liked the idea of having a home birth, but they were good enough friends to say, hey, you know, you know what you're doing. And I trust your your opinion and your decision. So if you feel this is what's best for you, congratulations on sticking to it and whatever you need, let us know.
00;16;03;24 - 00;16;15;28
Unknown
So that was really great to have that. But they were not actively involved in my planning.
00;16;16;01 - 00;16;50;06
Unknown
Yeah, that's that's all the support I really had. Even with all the statistics and stuff that I was throwing at my boyfriend, he said he doesn't care about that stuff. It doesn't matter. He doesn't care what I got off of Facebook or what I got off of Google. And I told him, you know, I went to school for four years and I have my friends, and by now I know the difference between a legitimate source and something that's bogus.
00;16;50;09 - 00;17;29;17
Unknown
And he said he didn't care. We're not doing it my way. He does not care. Well, so then what happened? So I went online. I used YouTube to find unassisted birth videos. I went on Pinterest to read stories. I found an unassisted home birth resource list that was written by Sarah Petrino. She's, She practices shamanism, but I really enjoyed her list that had herbs that she had researched and found.
00;17;29;17 - 00;17;59;17
Unknown
The most important. And just kind of gave a little synopsis of her story, and I really enjoyed that post that she had. I also read a lot of books. I read The Secret by Shonda Burns. That was by far one of my favorites. It just focuses on the power of positive thinking and how having the right mindset brings good things to you.
00;17;59;19 - 00;18;40;05
Unknown
So, you know, I. I use the first two trimesters of this pregnancy, rebalancing my mind after the trauma of my first. And that book helped a lot. And also Laura family's unassisted childbirth book. Was another big favorite. I also read a couple other books, including some by Ayana Mae Gaskin, and, I kind of skimmed through some other books, but I mostly focused on, assisted birth stories, pictures, videos.
00;18;40;08 - 00;19;11;14
Unknown
I looked online for how to handle variations of normal when to emergency transfer. And I joined a Facebook group geared toward an assisted birth, and I found that extremely supportive and helpful reading their birth stories and seeing their healthy, happy babies all this time later and hearing all those moms say it was the best birth I had out of all of my children, and I would do it again and again and again.
00;19;11;16 - 00;19;44;23
Unknown
And I said, yes, this is how birth is supposed to be. This is how women are supposed to feel. And between all of those resources, I told myself, if I see a commercial on TV of a woman giving birth in a hospital and it looks like she's not having a good time, I'm shutting it off. If I see a movie where I know there's you know, birth scenes where she's screaming and doctor's telling her what to do and all of that, I'm shutting it off.
00;19;44;25 - 00;19;55;07
Unknown
I wanted all of that picture out of my mind so I could rewire it for you have the positive birth that I wanted.
00;19;55;09 - 00;20;32;29
Unknown
But that's basically what my whole pregnancy looked like was rewiring my mind and trying to keep the negativity out of my life. Just focusing on me and my pregnancy and growing and birthing a beautiful baby and just having a really well rounded experience. So take us. Take us to the birth. Walk me through that experience. You know, that is the most interesting and my favorite part.
00;20;33;01 - 00;20;59;15
Unknown
My due date based off my last period was December 18th. If we went off the first ultrasound, it was the 19th. But if we went off, the days where I could have conceived it was somewhere between December 20th and 22nd, and I had a feeling this baby is so laid back and so down to earth. And I always say that my kids have colors.
00;20;59;15 - 00;21;29;27
Unknown
Their personalities could be represented by a certain color. My daughter is like a glittery yellow, a pretty spring yellow, and my son is a hearty with the rich green like a a big pine tree and funny enough, the 22nd is the first day of Capricorn, which is, you know, an Earth sign. The one before that is the Sagittarius, which is a fire sign.
00;21;30;00 - 00;21;56;14
Unknown
And I said, this baby's going to wait it out. I just know that. And I had a couple days before I had him, I was having some regular contractions in bed with my daughter. I was sleeping with her and I was thinking, man, is this a real thing or is this not? And I felt them in my back.
00;21;56;16 - 00;22;04;14
Unknown
They were pretty strong, pretty uncomfortable, very irregular.
00;22;04;17 - 00;22;31;09
Unknown
But when I told my boyfriend what was going on, he freaked out. He said, you know, we're not doing it here, right? You know, we're going to the hospital. And my contractions stopped altogether. Yeah. Of course, like, all together, they stopped for days. I didn't tell him about how I was feeling about anything. Besides, I don't feel good about going to the hospital.
00;22;31;09 - 00;23;02;09
Unknown
I feel good about staying at home. Well, and if I felt labor at all or uncomfortable at all with the pregnancy, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to hear it. And it was the 21st. Now I wake up, make breakfast, go to the bathroom. But, there's a giant mucus plug. Well, this is exciting. When is labor actually gonna start?
00;23;02;11 - 00;23;27;14
Unknown
I don't know. So I'm kind of hanging around the house. Don't feel any different thinking. Is today the day? I don't know. And I called my sister and I said, hey, let's go Christmas shopping. So we're in Walmart. My daughter is kind of fussy, and she is. She's big for her age. She's almost three years old. She's 50 pounds, she's the size of a five year old.
00;23;27;14 - 00;23;52;11
Unknown
She's so tall. And here I am a couple days past my due date, or at least the due date I was given. And she's fussing in Walmart and I'm carrying her on top of my giant pregnant belly trying to Christmas shop. I'm squatting down to the bottom shelf, trying to pick stuff up. I'm reaching up high, putting things back on the hooks.
00;23;52;14 - 00;24;24;13
Unknown
And you wouldn't have thought I was pregnant, except I was probably waddling like I had a watermelon stuffed inside of me. And I'm thinking, I'm getting kind of uncomfortable. Not contractions, just uncomfortable. I think I'm ready to get out of here. So we check out, I go back to my other sister's house, which was in the same town as the store, and they're saying I looked super uncomfortable, but I didn't feel uncomfortable.
00;24;24;15 - 00;24;52;01
Unknown
They said, you know, you're moving around a lot and you're, you know, you just seem like you can't get comfy. But I didn't notice that at all. I felt fine, and if I had my hand on my stomach, I could feel a contraction. But I didn't hurt. So I figured a Braxton Hicks just practice contractions for the big show coming up and, you know, passed the whole evening out like that.
00;24;52;04 - 00;25;19;07
Unknown
All felt good. Went home. My sister went home. She said, if you need anything, just call. Said, okay, thank you. So I'm getting my daughter ready for bed and about to put her jammies on and read her bedtime stories. And I'm asleep. I was sleeping in her twin sized bed with her, so I'm like, man, I wonder if this is a good idea to sleep in here tonight.
00;25;19;10 - 00;25;50;01
Unknown
I just kind of had a feeling maybe it wasn't. Well, we had bought this really annoying Christmas ornament. It was on our Christmas tree, and every time something moved it would start singing our Christmas songs. But it was terrible quality and it was so repetitive. My boyfriend was downstairs playing video games and the light was triggering it, so it just kept singing and singing and singing and singing.
00;25;50;04 - 00;26;13;20
Unknown
I thought it was so funny. So I put my face on the floor by the little air duct vent that we have going between her bedroom and the living room, and I said, how do you like our new Christmas ornament? She said, she's about to shoot it. She hates it. And I'm laughing and laughing and laughing. And I get up off my hands and knees and my water breaks everywhere.
00;26;13;23 - 00;26;34;19
Unknown
I felt the pop. I felt the warm gush, and I said, oh my God, this is so cool. I said, I didn't have any pain. I didn't have any contractions. I was just so excited. So I put my face down by the vents again and I said, hey, honey, what? My water just broke. Are you serious? I know.
00;26;34;21 - 00;26;57;09
Unknown
Yeah, well now what? I said, come upstairs and help me get these blue pads out so I don't make a big mess all over the floor. I had one ready right by the day, just in case it happened. But I needed a lot more than that. So he came upstairs, helped me put some mats on the floor. I'm just sitting on them.
00;26;57;09 - 00;27;17;09
Unknown
He's like, now what? Now? What do we do? What are we doing? What is the plan? And I said, you know, I've been trying to figure that out with you for nine months now, and now you care. So did he seem kind of funny? Did he seem more open now that it was on?
00;27;17;12 - 00;27;46;00
Unknown
He told me that he gave up trying to persuade me, because he knew that I was going to do whatever I wanted to do, regardless of what he said. Great. And I told him, you're right. That's what's going to happen. So he was just wanting me to be the director here. And as nice as that was, I kind of wanted him on board ahead of time because, you know, during birth, there's a time where I'm not going to be the one saying what to do anymore.
00;27;46;01 - 00;28;18;21
Unknown
Of course, you know, I'm going to be focusing on other things, and he should anticipate my needs. But I said, I'm going to go downstairs, I'm going to fill up the bathtub, and I'm going to sit in the bathtub for a while. And he said, that's it. That's that's all. And I said, yeah, why don't you get, you know, other kid ready for bed, and I'll call my sister to have her come over and hang out with Andy.
00;28;18;21 - 00;28;43;07
Unknown
So, you know, you and I can focus on what we're doing. And he said, okay, so my sister comes over, I'm in the bathtub, and she comes and checks on me, and she says, how are you doing? I said, I'm fine. I'm just sitting in there, you know, no big deal. I'm having contractions. But they barely hurt. And she says, do you need anything?
00;28;43;09 - 00;29;06;10
Unknown
So just, you know, get Alex to come back downstairs. I want him to be with me. She said, okay. And bathroom door opens up a little bit and I expect to see him. But it's my sister again. He says he doesn't want to see this, so he won't come downstairs.
00;29;06;12 - 00;29;27;22
Unknown
And I just stared at her and I said, does it look scary in here? Does it look gross in here? She's looking around. She says, no, it looks like you're just sitting in the bathtub. I said, that's exactly what's happening. So tell him that. So he came. He came down after that and he says, what are you doing?
00;29;27;24 - 00;30;07;03
Unknown
And I'm sitting in the bathtub and that's it. Yes, I am sitting in the bathtub, and he's kind of keeping an eye on the clock, you know, for contractions. But they really weren't bad at all. And he's super uncomfortable. I say, well, you know what? Let's call the hospital. We'll talk to the OB nurse. We'll just let her know that, you know, she could get things ready for us, but I'm not sure if we're coming in or not yet.
00;30;07;05 - 00;30;14;21
Unknown
And the OB nurse was actually my teacher from the nursing program.
00;30;14;24 - 00;30;54;01
Unknown
So that was both uncomfortable but comforting. Uncomfortable because I knew her. Comforting because she knew my past with the traumatic birth I had. Yeah. And she knew what was important to me. And, I mean, I figure, you know, maybe this will be good. And at this point. So are you still, like, 100% you're birthing at home or you're really trying to navigate your partner's concerns, obviously, like, where's your head at this point with your plan?
00;30;54;03 - 00;31;01;20
Unknown
My plan was stay at home until I feel like I shouldn't.
00;31;01;23 - 00;31;34;01
Unknown
That was the plan. It's a good plan. So I'm trying to talk to her, but I'm pausing during my contractions and she's saying, you know, it feels it doesn't sound like you're 2 to 1 comfortable. It sounds like you probably have a while before you have your baby. And she's kind of just talking in circles a lot. My boyfriend's on the other end of the phone, kind of barking orders at her, saying, no, she doesn't want that.
00;31;34;01 - 00;31;57;06
Unknown
No, we're not doing that either. We want to go there. We want to have the baby and we want to leave. We don't want to stay the night. Nope. We don't want to stay the night. No, we don't want monitors. No, we don't want this. Don't even ask about meds, baby. You know, just telling her what I wanted to, but in a more assertive way than I probably would have.
00;31;57;08 - 00;32;25;05
Unknown
And it was a big help because I was focusing on my contractions and she listened to him. So that was nice. I said, you know what? Why don't you just get things ready and maybe we'll see you tonight? She said, okay, so we got off the phone and I got out of the bathtub and my contractions that me really hard.
00;32;25;05 - 00;32;47;10
Unknown
All of a sudden. I don't know if it was the water that made it so nice and peaceful, or if it was just that my contractions really kicked up. Getting out of the tub. But emotionally, you know, your partner was stepping up and and helping you feel like your needs would be taken care of if you did go to the hospital.
00;32;47;10 - 00;33;14;25
Unknown
That probably felt that probably felt good. Yeah, it really did. Yeah. So, you know, I get out of the tub scene before I even know what I'm doing at all. I'm on my hands and knees with every contraction, with my head close to the ground. It was so difficult to get up off the floor. It was just what my body needed to be doing.
00;33;14;27 - 00;33;47;19
Unknown
And when I got up, it was just to the toilet to sit on the toilet through a contraction or two, then back to the ground. I really couldn't get comfortable and I had asked my boyfriend to apply toner pressure that helped, but my contractions, according to him, jumped from 20 minutes apart. The next contraction was 15 minutes, the next contraction was ten minutes, the next contraction was five minutes.
00;33;47;22 - 00;34;28;26
Unknown
The next contraction was two minutes apart. They were not sticking around at the same interval for more than one contraction, and then they stayed at two minutes apart for the majority of the rest of my labor. And he was noticing that I was becoming more uncomfortable, less vocal. So I was making birth noises, but not talking. And this one, this wound up being how long from actual delivery at this point, you know, I couldn't even tell you.
00;34;28;26 - 00;34;40;03
Unknown
I didn't look at the clock once. We get our daughter ready for bed. It was about 1030 when my water broke.
00;34;40;05 - 00;35;11;03
Unknown
And and then he wound up being born. At what time? 102. Oh, yeah. So you're. So. It was a 2.5 hour labor. Yeah. And my boyfriend is freaking out now. He says, for now I'm going to call an ambulance. And I just felt okay, through my contractions, because I didn't care. I didn't care about anything. Right now, I'm having a baby, and that's all I care about.
00;35;11;05 - 00;35;35;28
Unknown
And I don't care what he does. Were you pushing an ambulance? Nope. Not yet. I was just letting my contractions do all the work for me. I didn't have the urge to push yet. If now and then, I think during the contraction I probably pushed a little bit. But not not voluntarily. I just let my body do it.
00;35;36;00 - 00;36;00;27
Unknown
Its job by itself. And I just went with the flow. And did he have a particular reason for calling 911 or just that was probably a panic. Yeah, he was panicked. He didn't know what to do. He went upstairs and he told my sister that he called an ambulance because he can't do this. He's freaking out and he just feels better having someone who knows what the hell they're doing.
00;36;01;00 - 00;36;28;28
Unknown
But he could have known what he was doing if he would have listened to me. Yeah. And I mean, I know how to have a baby because our bodies just know that. And it comes with instinct. And you know, I was familiar with what to do in different circumstances, but whatever. I figured at this rate, by the time the ambulance gets here, we're going to have a baby anyway.
00;36;29;00 - 00;37;01;17
Unknown
So what does it matter? Well, I could hear a man's voice in my hallway. Not one that I. I recognized talking to Alex, saying, this is my first call. Like this. You seem really calm. Why do you seem so calm? And Alex's. You missed it. I was freaking out, too. This man was a police officer. Alex said there was about 15 cops in my house, and I don't know why there were that many.
00;37;01;20 - 00;37;23;14
Unknown
I don't know if there was that many, but he was panicked. There were police officers at our house just as the first responder. And then when the ambulance got here, there was a female paramedic who came in the back and she says, why are you in the bathroom? What are you doing? Are you using the toilet or what are you doing?
00;37;23;17 - 00;37;42;02
Unknown
She seemed really annoyed and I said, I'm having a baby. And she said, are you crowning? I said, no, not yet, she's up there. We need to go. This isn't a good place to have a baby. You need to get to the hospital. And I said, I'm fine where I'm at, I'm good right here. And she said, no, where are your parents?
00;37;42;02 - 00;38;02;17
Unknown
We're going. She found pants. She tried putting them on me. I told her no, I wanted to have depends on. Also, before I went anywhere I said I'm not risking my pants. There was no more water coming on at that point, but I'm like, no, like this. No, leave me alone. I'm fine. I kept telling you, I'm really fine, she says.
00;38;02;17 - 00;38;11;01
Unknown
But we need to go. She was really panicked, I think, but she was trying not to let me see it.
00;38;11;04 - 00;38;34;02
Unknown
Well, if I get out of the bathroom, get to the living room, which is maybe 20 steps away, have another contraction or 2 or 3. I can't remember. And my boyfriend's getting there. She was for me. And I said, no, not those ones. I don't want those. She was. He said for me to put them on, I said, no, I don't want those, those don't go with my pants.
00;38;34;04 - 00;39;02;00
Unknown
It was so stupid. And they're like, come on, let's put your shoes on. Let's go. You need to get to the hospital. No, I think I'm good. So I was taking my time just doing what I was comfortable with doing. Get to the kitchen maybe 40 steps away from my couch. Have another contraction. It probably sounded like I was having really good sex, but, you know, I didn't really care.
00;39;02;00 - 00;39;28;16
Unknown
I was kind of laughing inside at what the officers were thinking. You know, I knew they were nervous and they hadn't ever been on a call like this before. So I really was laughing inside. I thought it was hilarious. I get outside in the paramedics are like oh don't walk over here to icy. I said you know I walked on it this morning and this afternoon I think I'm good.
00;39;28;18 - 00;39;54;22
Unknown
But now that you're in labor, you're a you're a crazy, out of control person. Exactly. Yeah. And I sat they. Yeah. They wanted me to walk all the way around my car. It was just silly. And I get into the ambulance, have another contraction. Then this paramedic wants to strap my legs together on the gurney and all this other stuff and start an IV.
00;39;54;27 - 00;40;14;15
Unknown
But. And I said, what are you doing? I said, I don't want an IV. She said, well, they're going to start one anyway, so I'm just saving them with stuff. And I said, no, I was going to refuse that. And she just went ahead and did it anyway. And I was so uncomfortable with my legs being strapped. And I said, you know, I have the urge to push.
00;40;14;17 - 00;40;37;16
Unknown
And she said, we're not at the hospital yet. I said, but I have the urge to push, and I'm pushing when I feel like pushing, because no one's going to tell me no. And we get to the hospital, you go through the back entrance of the E.R., your legs or legs are strapped in the ambulance while you're having the urge to push.
00;40;37;18 - 00;41;09;12
Unknown
Yes. Oh, gosh. It was very, very uncomfortable. We get to the to the hospital and there's an OB nurse standing there with sterile gloves, waiting all excitedly because she thought she was going to have an emergency room delivery. Well, you ask me, babies aren't delivered. They're birthed. So, I mean, I didn't feel like I wanted to give her that credit because of me having a baby, not her.
00;41;09;15 - 00;41;33;25
Unknown
We got into the back elevator to go up to OB and she said, dang it, I thought we were going to have an air delivery. I was so excited and the paramedics said, yeah, I'm really glad I didn't have to do it in the ambulance. I really didn't want to. As I'm sitting here listening to them have this conversation about me and I'm just so annoyed, but I'm like, you know what, I don't care.
00;41;33;28 - 00;42;00;19
Unknown
I really don't care. Get to the upstairs and right into OB, into the delivery room, and the nurses are trying to rush me off the gurney and I said, no, let me finish my contraction. It was a good one. And the female paramedic is like, hey, to rush you, but I got another call. I got a guy got to get going.
00;42;00;22 - 00;42;24;02
Unknown
And the male paramedic was like, just give her 30 more seconds, people. She'll be fine in 30s sure enough, I was. I walked a couple of steps from the gurney to the delivery bed, squatted on the floor, and I said, I'm staying here. Nice. As long as I feel like it, because they were trying to get me onto the bed and I said, no, we're not.
00;42;24;05 - 00;42;50;18
Unknown
We're not, we're not doing all those monitors. Get them out of there. Like, I don't want that. And then Alex got there. He was rubbing my hair and I told them, get me water, get me a birth ball. I said, just let me do this my way. They were really persistent on getting me onto the bed because it's easier for them to see I didn't care.
00;42;50;24 - 00;43;20;25
Unknown
I don't care what's easy for them to see. Well, I'm thinking, you know what? I'm feeling really close now. I'm okay with getting up on the bed. I didn't know how much I really wanted to stay on a floor. So I got up on the bed, and as I got up, I pulled my pants down. But I left my depends in place, and the nurse was like, what about these people that you have to take these off?
00;43;20;28 - 00;43;44;09
Unknown
And I'm having a contraction and she's like, take, take these off, take these off. And I said, just rip them. They're depends. They're disposable I don't care. Do you think I wore underwear that I care about here. No, I didn't and she must have just been panicked or something because I don't know. To me it was just common sense.
00;43;44;09 - 00;44;12;24
Unknown
You know, there depends. She said just rip on them, I said. Yeah, so she did, but I don't know why she needed them off so bad because I didn't let her near me anyway. I told them to disconnect the I.V.. I let the headlock stay in place. No fluids, no cervical checks. I let them do one fetal heart rate check with the Doppler.
00;44;12;26 - 00;44;35;24
Unknown
That was all. And I had told them over the phone when my water broke, there was no meconium. It was all clear. It was all good. And they are just kind of when we need to see what's going on. And I tell us what's going on. And I just said, everything is fine.
00;44;35;27 - 00;45;02;13
Unknown
And they didn't know what to do, probably because they probably didn't have any patients like me. And I really, really long time, if not ever. And I am on this bed on my knees, leaning over a birth bottle at the head of the bed, and they're trying to convince me to go towards the foot of the bed where they can drop the bottom of the bed down, and I can use that.
00;45;02;15 - 00;45;14;04
Unknown
Then they can see better. And I told them, no, I'm good where I'm at. I like it here and I'm just passing them around more water, more counter pressure.
00;45;14;07 - 00;45;26;15
Unknown
You know, this is my surface, not their surface. And, you know, I kind of just.
00;45;26;17 - 00;45;53;18
Unknown
Instinctively, I put my hand over my vaginal area, and I could feel the baby coming down and going back up. I knew when I hit transition because my legs were shaking, but I never felt panicked. I was always very, very calm. I just said, I'm transitioning and then I could feel the baby coming down, and I kept my hand covering myself the entire time I wanted to.
00;45;53;21 - 00;46;02;10
Unknown
I wanted to feel it. I wanted to catch my baby. I wanted to do this exactly how I would have been doing it at home.
00;46;02;13 - 00;46;31;12
Unknown
And I moved my right leg up so that it was kind of many was bent at a 90 degree angle up by my face. The rest, and he had stayed perfectly still. I was talking to baby, not the other way. Come on down. You're welcome to come this way. Come see mom and I am focused on only that.
00;46;31;15 - 00;46;56;28
Unknown
And I can hear the nurse behind me saying, what do you feel? What do you feel? What do you feel? And I said, I feel a little baby coming down. It goes back up, comes back down. And I'm just talking to babies, coaxing it out. And then I started getting kind of uncomfortable on my legs. So I had to move my hand away from myself to switch positions.
00;46;57;01 - 00;47;16;22
Unknown
The nurse kind of took that opportunity to get all up in my business down there, and I didn't really care because I could feel the the baby crowning. And as soon as the head was delivered, she said, okay, now another big push. And I told her no.
00;47;16;24 - 00;47;36;16
Unknown
I said, is there a cord? And she said, no, I can't feel one. I said, let the contractions do the work. And she said, well, you can't wait that long, you need to push. I said, is there a problem? And she said, no, but you need to push. You can't wait to get the body out. I said, no, I'm not pushing.
00;47;36;19 - 00;47;51;06
Unknown
I'm waiting for my body to do it. She said, okay, it was taking longer than I thought it would. I pushed a little bit voluntarily. It didn't make a difference.
00;47;51;08 - 00;48;25;26
Unknown
Didn't help the labor, didn't help the birth. It didn't do anything. It was uncomfortable, actually. Physically. And when the next contraction came, it pushed the whole baby out. And I heard the nurse say, okay, okay, clamp. And, you know, I was still returning to Earth from that, and I wasn't really comprehending what was going on. I wanted a lotus birth, or at least a keep the cord intact for a couple of hours.
00;48;25;26 - 00;48;52;15
Unknown
When I was ready to cut it myself, they cut it right away, and they brought baby over to a warmer, and they started doing respiratory resuscitation. And my boyfriend was crying and our baby was blue and limp. But I didn't see that part when I looked over a minute later, I could see baby turning from blue to pink and I didn't feel worried.
00;48;52;17 - 00;49;17;26
Unknown
Did you ever get. Did you ever find out what they are? Gardam at one minute to okay. He was a tool and I am still on the bed peeking over every once in a while. Every time I look, he's pinker. I wasn't worried about him. What was the babies are happy with? What was he at five minutes?
00;49;17;28 - 00;49;44;26
Unknown
I can't remember exactly but it was somewhere I think it was between the four and a six. But I did get my, my medical notes, my medical records and the doctor was not there for the delivery, but he wrote his synopsis off of what the, the nurses had told him and then what was happening when he arrived.
00;49;44;28 - 00;50;16;29
Unknown
And he said that baby was just not holding his oxygen starts up well enough. So they just continued to oxygenate artificially for a while. I think it was 23 minutes total. They were working on him. He stayed in the room. But yeah, every everyone was in the room. After I, I'm guessing Alice probably saw a baby pinking up and was feeling better about it.
00;50;17;01 - 00;50;42;11
Unknown
And then when doctor was there, I was kind of turned his attention back on me because I was uncomfortable. And I said, what's wrong? Are you okay? She seemed worried. I said, I'm not done birthing yet. I still have a placenta. And he said, oh yeah, said that you're okay to sit down because I'm great, actually. And, you know, I, I had my hand down.
00;50;42;11 - 00;51;13;10
Unknown
I was rubbing the cord. I just was so admired. I was I loved it, it was so cool. So that kept my baby attached to me. That is part of my baby. I, I like it, I it's my friend. It's not some gross thing that you're told it is. You know, it's it's a good thing. It's positive. So I sent it a little love thought I should blood happen.
00;51;13;10 - 00;51;37;20
Unknown
I think the placenta detached. It didn't come out on its own with the position I was in. I'm thinking if I would have changed positions, that would have came out. But, when doctor was content with our son and his respiratory status, he came over to me, I heard him, he said, how do you want to do this?
00;51;37;23 - 00;51;52;04
Unknown
And I said, I'm I'm comfortable where I'm at. I heard him say forceps, and I felt something on me, but I wasn't comprehending what was happening. And then.
00;51;52;06 - 00;52;17;10
Unknown
He applied some pressure to my abdomen and some traction to the placenta, and it came out. It felt much better. That's not how I wanted to birth a placenta, but that's how it happened. Wait, you think he used forceps for your placenta delivery? He he. I heard him say forceps. And I felt something fall on me. Interesting. I never heard he did.
00;52;17;12 - 00;52;51;29
Unknown
I don't think he used, of course, up to deliver the placenta. I'm thinking we probably used it to get a better visual. Oh, to open you up a little. Yeah. Because I yeah, I, I knew that the placenta had detached, but it just didn't deliver on their terms. If I would have been more involved in a conversation, if I would have been a little bit more coherent about my surroundings, I would have said, let it be.
00;52;52;02 - 00;53;13;17
Unknown
It'll come out on its own. But first thing I asked after I knew he had helped it out was, is there any fragments? And he said, no, it's all good. I said, okay, that's fine. And he said, well, now I have to check you for care, so you have to turn over, which I did. There was no tears.
00;53;13;17 - 00;53;40;11
Unknown
You said there was a little what did you call it? Road rash. But he said touching it would make it worse. They said, well, yeah, if it's not a laceration, why would you even want to stitch it? So what position did you deliver in? I had one knee down. One knee up. Okay. It's kind of hard. Imagine like a very deep lunge.
00;53;40;14 - 00;54;03;25
Unknown
Yeah, I see it. Yeah. It was kind of like that. Leaning forward on a breath falls. So I wanted immediate skin to skin. Baby was good. They were done with their respiratory stuff. And instead of giving baby to me they're like, well, let's weigh and measure and do all this and then do skin to skin. And I'm thinking, how annoying.
00;54;03;25 - 00;54;26;17
Unknown
But whatever, it doesn't take long for them to finish that up. And then I got baby on me and just let them be. Some time passed. I don't know how much and I tried nursing, but baby wasn't ready. He was pretty tired. I didn't mind, you know, still eat when he's ready. Hot. When did you get out of there?
00;54;26;17 - 00;54;53;19
Unknown
How long did you stay there? Well, because I refused the GBS screaming. The hospital's policy is they have to hold the baby for 48 hours to monitor for infection. Did they give antibiotics to the baby? I refused that so. But he stayed in room with you? Yes, the whole time. The only time he was not in the room with me was when they had to do a newborn screening.
00;54;53;22 - 00;55;28;24
Unknown
And when I took a quick 15 minute shower, that was all them. Otherwise, he was with me. So we had him on the 22nd. We were discharged on the 24th, and I was up all night making sure I had all my stuff together and I was ready to go. Like as soon as doctor came in for discharge, I was like, I'm going to run out the door with my baby and I'm not coming back.
00;55;28;26 - 00;55;40;17
Unknown
Well, doctor came in. He said, no rush, really. There's no rush. Stay here. Make sure you eat breakfast. But it was more of an order than a reminder.
00;55;40;20 - 00;56;06;04
Unknown
And I'm thinking I'm going to have breakfast at home, but, yeah. Thanks for Boston. Me around. The more and by the time Alex got there with her daughter, it was almost lunchtime. Because mornings with her are hard to get out of the house and.
00;56;06;06 - 00;56;41;04
Unknown
The nurses that were coming in the night before we were discharged, she came in my room and she said. I just wanted to come in and introduce myself to you before we do anything, because I know how anxious you are, and basically that I don't want them to do anything routine. And she just wants to make sure that I understand she's not going to make me do anything that I don't want to do, and that being with her is safe.
00;56;41;06 - 00;57;15;09
Unknown
And I was like, what the hell are you talking about? Why does everyone think that I'm this crazy lady who doesn't let anyone near me? I mean, I don't know, in a broader going on from a perspective on our culture, you know, a noncompliant woman is one of the most threatening things in our society, you know? And that's all that you've been is noncompliant and that, I mean, to do that in obstetrics and in the patriarchal model is like shattering.
00;57;15;11 - 00;57;52;10
Unknown
And and, you know, women get painted crazy constantly, constantly for actually just having boundaries or autonomy or anger. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. And I mean, this nurse, she also works in E.R.. I've seen her use the same exact approach with mental health patients when I was in clinicals. This is the same hospital I did my nursing rotations at. And the way that all of these nurses were approaching me was don't poke the angry bear.
00;57;52;13 - 00;58;11;06
Unknown
And I was so annoyed, and I was telling them that I was very annoyed. You don't need to talk to me like that. You can talk to me like a normal person. I'm not being noncompliant. They asked for a set of vital signs. Yeah, sure. You want to do vital signs on the baby? Just do it in the room with me.
00;58;11;06 - 00;58;41;07
Unknown
Don't whisk them off to do a temperature. You don't need to do that. And in all reality, the approach that I was getting in the in the hospital after I had my baby was more stressful. It was putting stress on my postpartum healing. It was putting stress on my bonding with babies because they were talking to me like I should be questioning myself.
00;58;41;13 - 00;59;26;14
Unknown
Like I should be questioning my decisions and my thought processes in that isn't right. Like, you know, I own my mind and they own theirs, and they're different, sure, but that's not bad. Well, and, you know, the larger problem with your particular situation is you didn't belong there. That wasn't the safe, right place for you. And unfortunately, your partner put you there, you know, and it I mean, that's, that's that's the reality that he wasn't able to hold the space for you and support your choices because his fear, you know, over asked your desires and your needs and it put you in a place that as you tried to navigate your individuality in a, in
00;59;26;14 - 00;59;57;25
Unknown
a system that doesn't know how to respect that it caused more and more and more problems, you know, and what I'm wondering in the, in the postpartum processing, you know, period, for you, since December, where are you at now? You know, being months out of it and having had a pretty wild story, with, with a lot of triumphs and, and also, you know, with, with some serious frustrations or, what's the word I'm looking for?
00;59;57;28 - 01;00;22;01
Unknown
You know, not being supported in all of it. Where are you out now with with your birth story. How do you feel about it? I feel very good about it. Like I said, even with the respiratory complications that my baby had, those couple of minutes where he was pinking up right away, I have never been worried about that.
01;00;22;03 - 01;01;03;04
Unknown
And altogether, my experience was very, very, very good. And I would love to get the full unassisted birth experience next time. My boyfriend says no more kids, but we'll see where that goes. I have all my stuff ready and I'm thinking that, you know, for my future pregnancy or pregnancy is that I'm just going to use all that time to stay relaxed and put trust in my body and in my babies, because my body knows how to birth.
01;01;03;04 - 01;01;31;14
Unknown
My baby knows how to be born. And in the event that, you know, something goes out of what's expected, you know, I'll just prepare myself more and refresh myself on what to do in those situations. Well, it doesn't sound like it doesn't sound like you're the one that needs to work on getting on board with this. You know, it sounds like, you know, knowledgeable and capable and intuitive and determined and, you know, educated.
01;01;31;14 - 01;02;02;28
Unknown
And you've got all the pieces, obviously the missing pieces. If someone on your team is freaking out and is going to call 911 when you get, you know, when you really get going, you know, that's obviously what needs to get worked out in the future. And I hope that you do, because it does sound like you have just everything that you need to do it your way and, and I want to really honor you in your ability, in the face of a system that had no idea how to support you.
01;02;03;00 - 01;02;24;26
Unknown
And unfortunately, you know a partner as well that you were able to navigate the hospital system, you know, and your delivery on your terms. And you know that in transition and in delivery, you were able to be checking in with yourself and communicating your needs. And, you know, I love that you said you were a boss and everyone around and you know, that's that.
01;02;24;26 - 01;02;43;07
Unknown
You know, in a lot of ways that's a hard birth story that you that you navigated, but at the same time so triumphant and so autonomous and so, so you, you know, so much of your strength coming through and that you chose your position and that you said no to things. And you, you did what, what felt right.
01;02;43;07 - 01;03;11;27
Unknown
And of course, at birth, the beautiful baby with no tears to your perineum. And it's just I really admire you. It's a, it's a big story that you're carrying, especially from your first one as well. And that you really were able to feel you know your own terms, even with 911 and transferring and transition and all the craziness to your story that you really held on to yourself through the whole thing.
01;03;12;00 - 01;03;36;13
Unknown
This is just so inspiring. I really appreciate you sharing your story. That's going to I think, be really inspiring and healing to have out into the world. Thank you. Thank you that it it's it's an important story to me. You know, because, you know, obviously it's.
01;03;36;15 - 01;04;23;22
Unknown
We went through that together. But also it's important for other people to know that story too, because regardless of if they are planning an unassisted birth or a home birth with an assistant, or if they're planning on going to a birth center or to a hospital, it's important to me that women know what's important to them, and they're able to trust their surroundings and themselves, more importantly, to have the birth that they are designed to have, to have the birth that they deserve to have to have every birth be a positive experience regardless of what happens along the way.
01;04;23;24 - 01;05;12;18
Unknown
And as I've said before, I feel like it's important for women to well, and family is really partner is equally as responsible here to prepare for a possible unassisted birth. In the case that one expectedly happens, that you know enough about birth to make decisions that you need to make and be prepared for the unexpected. And absolutely. And you know it, it's a really good time to figure out more about yourself and your relationships and what you need for your birth life.
01;05;12;19 - 01;05;37;16
Unknown
I think regardless of if you're going to have an assisted birth or not, your needs are still important. The mom is just as important as the baby during a birth, and I feel like we often get forgot about during birth because it's all about mom is the incubator and babies the shiny new package? You know, product moms are important to.
01;05;37;18 - 01;06;06;01
Unknown
Absolutely. Well, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and your story. And I loved having you on and getting to know you and hear your strength. And yeah, I'm very grateful for you sharing in this space. Thank you. I'm very grateful for the opportunity to share that. And hopefully it empowers and encourages and inspires other women and families to have the birth that they deserve to.
01;06;06;03 - 01;06;15;12
Unknown
Awesome. All right. Well, thank you so much. You're welcome. Have a beautiful day. You too. Bye.
01;06;15;15 - 01;06;26;04
Unknown
That's it for today, everyone. Join us next week for another episode of the Rebirth podcast. Thanks for joining us. And remember your body, your choice. Lots of love.
