Speaker 0
Welcome to the Free Birth Podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning, exploring, and celebrating their autonomous choices in childbirth. Together, we'll unpack truths, share personal stories, and claim our ability to birth freely and intuitively. Here's your host, Emily Saldea.
Speaker 1
Hey, everyone. It's Emily and Yolanda.
Speaker 2
Hey.
Speaker 1
We wanna tell you about our amazing new course because we just launched our presale.
Speaker 3
That's right. I'm Yolanda, the director of the Free Birth Society School, and I'm thrilled to tell you about the very first course we're offering, Free Birth Society's complete guide to free birth. If you're interested in birthing outside the system but you don't know where to start, or you're encountering resistance or fear in your own mind or in your community, or even if you just wanna make sure you have all your ducks in a row, this course is for you.
Speaker 1
Free birth society's complete guide to free birth really is incredibly comprehensive. We cover everything from how to talk to friends and family, how to navigate your choices with a nervous partner, how to get a birth certificate, what prenatal care could look like when no one else is managing you, how to identify real complications and emergencies, and let's get real. We go deep into unlearning the myths about birth in our culture using evidence based information to relearn what normal birth is and how to prepare for it.
Speaker 3
Our intention is for every course participant to emerge with the tools to approach their free birth with confidence and the knowledge to discern what safe, physiological birth looks like and in possession of the power to manifest the birth of your dreams.
Speaker 1
What's also really cool is that we offer long term support, live group coaching, options for one on one coaching, and you will get lifetime access to the course material.
Speaker 3
We even have quizzes and worksheets, meditations, hypno affirmation tracks, tracks, and all sorts of unique and helpful custom tailored birth prep for your free birth.
Speaker 1
This course is for the woman who wants to birth in power on her own terms. We have created this course especially for you because you're standing in the very place Yolanda and I both were when we recognized that hospital birth or any form of birth in captivity just wasn't our path.
Speaker 3
So head over to our gorgeous new website, free birth society dot com, to learn more and to sign up for the course that will quite literally change your life.
Speaker 1
Today, we are joined by Becca, who lives in a small village in Alaska. Due to colonialism, there hasn't been a home birth in this village for over one hundred years, as everyone now leaves to have a medicalized birth. Becca decided not to follow suit and tells the story
Speaker 2
of how she chose an unassisted pregnancy and to birth in her own home.
Speaker 4
Before, I I even met my partner. I've only I only met my partner, like, two and a half years ago. So, before I'd even met him, I had been planning on having a free birth, which I didn't know that it was, like, a thing at the time. Like, I didn't know that it was free birth. It was just, I was gonna yeah. It was just birth and I was gonna I was gonna have my baby and I was not didn't feel the need to go into a hospital or anything like that. So I it actually, it starts with how I was born. Back in the eighties, my parents were mid circumnavigation on their sailboat and decided to have kids, and my mom got pregnant with me and had an unassisted pregnancy and, gave birth to me on their sailboat in Spain. And that, like, hugely, hugely affected my entire life just having that back story. Like, just having that kernel of, like, like, pride in how I was born and where I was born. She had a midwife, but he came down to the boat, and delivered yeah.
Speaker 1
That's awesome.
Speaker 4
Me on the boat.
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
Yeah. Yeah. So so, like, my kinda line of thinking for as far as having a an assisted birth was it was gonna be mostly for my child, just to give them that experience and that story and that little piece of pride for them, about how they were born and where they were born. Because I think where you're born is just, like, so important. It's really meaningful.
Speaker 1
And what is it what is it about what what is it about being born on a sailboat that fills you with pride, and what is it about free birthing this little one that, felt prideful to pass to her?
Speaker 4
So having been born on a sailboat, I, like, I'm just completely in love with ocean. I've worked on boats. I went to wooden boat school, learned how to build boats from a shipwright. I, I've lived on my own little sailboat. Now we work on the water. I'm a commercial fisherman. So it's just like, just planted a seed in me of
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 1
Of
Speaker 4
just boats and being on the water and being near near the ocean. And I have I have a it just feels like I have a connection to something meaningful and, like, like, I didn't it's it's not something that I had to create for myself. You know, I feel like a lot of people are born into the world, like, having to completely fabricate their own, like, identities and truths, which is true for everybody. But for me, I had, like, a little bit of, like, something already instilled in me that that was a piece of identity that I could carry with me. And so for my daughter, we're we live in a little village in Alaska. It has about fifty people in it and, it's at the end of a twenty mile dirt logging road, so it's pretty isolated. And this is this village is where my partner's ancestors are from, Heath Haida. So, they came here from Haida Gwaii, you know, generations ago. And but he's really connected to this place. And I just moved here a couple years ago, but, it's where we're gonna be spending the rest of our lives. So, it was important for me to have my daughter be born here because, it's like her ancestral home. Like, I mean, it it's going to be her ancestral home. It is now her ancestral home. It's, the lineage. She can trace back, you know, generation after generation who have lived here and she can walk down the beach and see the remnants of, like, old houses and villages and boats and canoes that have been here from her from her ancestors. So just to give her that that tie, that,
Speaker 2
that
Speaker 4
identity marker for the rest of her life that is something that she was born with, important to me.
Speaker 1
And so you had mentioned Yeah.
Speaker 4
She's the
Speaker 1
Oh, sorry. Go ahead.
Speaker 4
Yeah. She she's the well, she's the first baby to be born in this village, in almost a hundred years. So it's been, it's been a really long time since anybody has given birth here, because now actually, I'm they've been doing this, you know, since, for for a long time is flying mothers out, off the island. It's we live on a big island, so they fly them off the island, weeks before they're due.
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
And nowadays, they induce them or most women schedule c section. So either stay in a hotel or, you know, some people have family, but, yeah, it
Speaker 2
that's just sounds so horrible.
Speaker 1
Yeah. I mean, in a c section, when you think about it that way, it does make more sense because how can you afford to go away and especially if you don't just randomly have family that you can go stay with, and just wait around for spontaneous labor, which could take, you know, another month of when you've when you've gotten there. It's just it's it's one of the most ludicrous and harmful things that we're doing to women right now, you know, pushing women out of where they live under this amnesia that birth is so dangerous. They have to leave their environment. You know, and as you know, it's happening in Alaska. It's happening in Northern Canada. You know, it's happening in in many places. And so it's just it's
Speaker 4
that find sorry. Go ahead.
Speaker 1
I was gonna say it's the epitome of industrialized birth, you know, at the cost of primarily indigenous women, you know, which is just a triple attack on everything that's happening.
Speaker 4
Yeah. And the the ridiculous thing to me is that so everybody who lives on this island, no matter what you're doing, even if you're not a pregnant person, you are always at least two hours away from emergency medical care. Like, you anybody doing anything, if they get hurt, they have to get life flighted out. So getting in your car or going out hunting and, like, shooting your gun or any dangerous thing that we do in our everyday running your chainsaw to get firewood. Like, all these things that you're doing, they're more dangerous than birth, like, are Right. You know, you're putting yourself at risk to not have And people live with those every day and have no problem with it. You know? There are people that are extremely unhealthy just in their natural lives, you know, like diabetic or have strokes or whatever. And it's like, if you have a stroke, you're probably gonna
Speaker 2
die. And
Speaker 4
and people were just horrified that I was that I was, you know, because I didn't share with everybody that I was having an assisted birth. But, you know, I would tell them, you know, generally how far along I was or when I was expecting. And now they're like, oh, yeah. I'm expecting in, like, next month. And they're like, why aren't you off the island yet?
Speaker 2
What are you still doing here?
Speaker 1
And what would you say?
Speaker 4
I I it it depends. I would yeah. At at first, I was like crusader for free birth.
Speaker 1
Right. And I
Speaker 4
would tell any person who asked that I was having an unassisted birth, and then that just got really exhausting. Yeah. And and so I stopped, and I would just I don't know. Just make up something or yeah. I'm not worried about it. Oh, well, I just I took a job for the last what I thought was the last or month seven and eight of my pregnancy, and so I was, like, in the public a lot. And so I just had to shut that down.
Speaker 1
And how did you do that?
Speaker 4
Just I just I just stopped sharing so much personal information with people. Yeah. I yeah, like yeah. I would get really angry and defensive and start ranting, a lot to people about, like you know? And they're not they're not asking to be educated. They're they're they're uneducated, and they don't know. And I had a conversation with my partner because he actually got really embarrassed one time because I I didn't realize it until afterwards, but he kind of, like, repeated back to me what I had said. And I was like, wow. I sound like a pompous asshole. Like, I am very educated on this subject, and I know exactly what I'm doing and blah blah blah. And I was just like, you know, at some point, it's better to just just do what you're doing and and tell people afterwards that you had a wonderful, unassisted birth. And
Speaker 1
Well, Anne Anne, I think that that comes with this, you know, kind of, socialized view that we have to prove ourselves and defend ourselves and that we better have an educated reason for wanting to just birth at home. And the reality is, no. You don't. You know? It's it's you you don't need to have this evidence based logical, you know, science, which, you know, gratefully, we have science on our side, and we have evidence on our side. You know, but at the end of the day and I think you make a good point that most people aren't looking to be educated. They're looking to engage you in their own self righteousness and fear. And so Yeah. That's not worth anybody's time, really. But, you know, I think the other interesting point to this is you don't need a good reason. And I think a lot of us have felt, and not just with birth, with other kind of alternative life decisions, you know, that we needed to have this really justification for why we're doing it. And, you know, in a way, I think real feminism is in real self empowerment is to just be like, no. I'm good. Like, I'm just gonna do me, and I don't need to explain myself.
Speaker 4
Right. Yeah. And to not not feel like, there are multiple times that I felt I felt stupid. Like, I like, they would ask me a question and I wouldn't have, like, some perfectly boxed intelligent sounding answer Mhmm. Like, right on the tip of my tongue. And then I would just feel, like, oh my god. My you know, I'm not doing every free birther justice. Right. You know, but not being able to articulate exactly why I'm doing that. But just because I mean, I know these things. I know them within my head. Like, I am educated on the subject. I just, like, in the moment, like, can't get anything
Speaker 1
Sure. It's intimidating. Out. Totally. And what? You're supposed to, like, give them a a, you know, a list of how you're gonna medically manage every possible complication and
Speaker 4
Yeah. And that's what they want. Of course.
Speaker 1
Well, yeah, that's that's where everybody goes. Yep. You know? But but, again, it's not like most people are asking free birthers so that they can get, so that they can get, like, open minded education. So, yeah, I totally hear you. And and, again, you don't you don't you know, and the whole one of my favorite quotes is you cannot both prepare for and prevent war. And, you know, free birthers typically that I know are not super focused on the very, very, very tiny percent of complications that could arise. Yeah. You know? Because, honestly, like, if you're if you're gonna be obsessive about that, gosh, I don't know that you should be birthing at home without management. You know? It's like that that's like a real, a real dangerous mental space to start your birthing process in.
Speaker 4
Yeah. Well, because at that point, in a way, you're sort of managing yourself.
Speaker 1
Right.
Speaker 4
And you're you're still using the the mindset and the tools and falling into the same traps that, you know, an external source is in the medical world, but you're you're just filling those shoes for yourself.
Speaker 1
Boy, I mean, this makes me think
Speaker 4
of I'm not I'm not a planner.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 4
Like, I'm I'm just not I I bought so many, books on birth that I read, like, two pages of each of them, and I was like, meh.
Speaker 1
Totally not. Interested. That's the thing. I mean, this is this is one of my favorite parts about free birth and birth in general and and, well, I guess they're kind of the same thing really, unmanaged birth, is it spontaneously occurs whether you know anything or not, you know, just like a bowel movement, you know, and and mostly like an orgasm, you know, it's these are biological functions that occur without our cerebral mind telling our body what to do. And so, you know, I get into this argument a lot with licensed midwives who are like, well, if you're gonna free birth, you need to know everything and you need to be super informed and blah blah blah. And it's like, actually, women have been birthing literally forever that we've been here. And, you know, you think that ten thousand years ago, women had all this childbirth ed and understood the intricacies of our hormonal blueprint and how physiological birth unfolds and of course not. You know, you actually don't really if you choose, it's okay to not learn everything there is to learn. And I love when women I know tons of women who have free birth too just said, no. I'm good. I'm not gonna read a book. I'm not gonna, that's not the way I'm gonna approach this. And, you know, it's the essence of free birth is you get to choose how you do
Speaker 4
this. Mhmm. Yeah. And then you're not having other people's experiences and, like, anything layered on top of your own experience, which isn't inherently a bad thing. But for me, that was it was really cool to just live my own experience without having like, up up to the last few months before my birthday, I kinda just quit listening to I quit listening to the podcast.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. Totally.
Speaker 4
I just was kinda clearing my own mind of other people's experiences and just kinda doing my own thing. So and, also, another another part of that with us being so isolated here, that was a huge factor in my pregnancy, which is something that I I I worked out really early on was that, if anything there there was very, very, very few instances in which I would need assistance, like or that I would there are there are call for assistance because we're so far away from help that it's either gonna be fatal really quickly
Speaker 1
Right.
Speaker 4
Or it's something that I can handle myself. And so there's, like, there's, like, one or two things that I was like, well, if this happens, I guess I might call and go in and get help. But, so something that I really came to terms with was that I am, like, this this sounds really harsh, but, like, I would rather have my baby die or me die here at home with loved ones on my own terms than, then go get assistance. Like, the and then go because because we're so far away that it would be it would be a huge ordeal. I mean, it would be life flight helicopters coming in, and it would just be it would be a really big deal. So,
Speaker 1
Yeah. I mean, that's the thing is you have to make a decision of which model to go with. Go with nature or go with preventative assistance. And, you know, under we already know that under the obstetrical model, they're just looking at essentially a live baby and a live mother. But, you know, the conversation is never had at what cost. You know? And, yeah, I think you're not alone at all in that. A lot of women who are birthing independently feel that way. I I totally hear you. Yeah. So how did how did your immediate surrounding family and partner all take to this?
Speaker 4
They were all actually really amazing. It's funny because I was so I was so prepared to fight. Like, I just had, like, my defenses up, but I so all these arguments. And, so well, so for with my partner, Hugh, I was listening to your podcast and, like, I had planned on an unassisted birth before I even met him. And I had been pestering him for a baby all summer while we were out fishing. He was stuck with me on the boat while we were out fishing, incessantly. So we'll be around having a baby. So, at the very end of the summer is when we conceived and, I had in my head, an idea of what kind of partner I wanted in pregnancy and birth and I wanted, somebody who's gonna be really interested in my body and what was happening and what the baby looks like and, you know, just, like, the physiological processes and who's gonna catch the baby and, all this. And I, I remember when I when I had, like, a first kind of, like, serious conversation about, what birth would look like with my partner, and he he said, I don't wanna catch the baby. I have no interest, in that. And I was just devastated. Like, I was crying, you know, like, you know, because I had to reevaluate my whole ideal of what what I wanted out of a partner. And so that was also kind of a a journey throughout pregnancy is realizing that the partner I have is not not the partner that I envisioned. And that's okay. He's not interested in, he's not interested in the physiological process. He doesn't doesn't wanna know about my my cervical mucus and any of that stuff. But he's he's super on board with free birth. He is just, I mean, he was just that guy that was like, it's your body, it's your baby. Yeah. You know? I support you in whatever you wanna do. And and I'm behind you a hundred percent, but I don't need to know about it. Yeah. I
Speaker 1
mean, that's kinda perfect in some ways.
Speaker 4
Yeah. It is perfect. And it you know, after during during birth, it turned out to be perfect. It was just what I needed. So and then, so we live on a a piece of property with my partner's parents and his sister and her husband. We all live in separate houses but kind of communal property. And, grandma and grandpa were super supportive. She, mother-in-law had hospital births, and episiotomies and did that whole rigmarole, and neither of them really had ever heard of people doing an assisted birth. And her her, like, her one concern, like, right after I told them, she said, you know, all I've heard about this woman on the island who had child protective services called and her her baby taken away for something not related to an assisted birth. But, that was just, like, her her her big fear. And me, it was, like, my defenses all up. I was, like, you know, launched into my speech of, like, you know, I've already made this decision and, I can't hear any of your fears. Like, if if you want to discuss something because you're interested, I'm happy and I can provide you with all sorts of education, but I can't hear anybody else's fears. And and after that, they were just completely one hundred percent on board. Oh, yeah. I don't think because I scared them away. But but,
Speaker 1
Well, you set a boundary.
Speaker 4
And, actually, yeah, I set I set a boundary, and that's this whole this whole pregnancy has been me setting really strict boundaries and then and then stepping back for them from them as I need to.
Speaker 1
Mhmm. That's what's up.
Speaker 4
Stepping back from quite far, actually. But, yeah, I've I've definitely set set a lot of boundaries, and and it's been it's been really great. They they actually were so excited and so proud of I bet. Of the whole experience.
Speaker 1
Well, one one question I have before we get into your birth story is and it's kind of an irrelevant question in a way, but I'm just curious. If midwifery was a part of your village and it was available, do you think you would have preferred an elder experienced, you know, woman, midwife attending you, or did you specifically feel drawn to the aloneness, or whatever the right word is, you know,
Speaker 4
of of No. I definitely wanted to be alone, which people who had given birth before, like my mom, when I, you know, I told her, like, yeah. I don't I don't think I want anybody there. Like, I think I I think I like, when I'm sick or when I'm in pain or anything like that, I, like, I am a like, don't talk to me. Like, just let me hide in the bathroom by myself and work this out all by myself.
Speaker 2
Mhmm. And
Speaker 4
she's like, oh, well, when I was giving birth, like, your dad was my rock. Like, holding his hands and looking into his eyes was, like, what kept me kept me there. And I was like, okay. Like and so I
Speaker 2
was I was okay. I was open
Speaker 4
to that, but I just, like, I just kinda didn't see that for myself. Sure. So yeah. I don't you know, I think if there had been midwives available on the island, I might have, like, tentatively pursued that just because it I I I've been really relieved this entire pregnancy and birth that that my options are so limited because it kind of forced me to really live my ideals. Yeah. Cool. And I think that it's easy. It there's been so many times that I've that I've wanted somebody else to take the reins, you know, just because it's scary sometimes, like, being the only one responsible. Like, my partners aren't responsible. Like, there's nobody there's people that I can ask their opinions that, like, when it comes down to it, like, I am the only one in control here. And that's it's awful and powerful, but it's terrifying sometimes.
Speaker 2
Hell yeah. I think that
Speaker 4
if there had been the option, you know, of a of a midwife who would tell me what to do, they're they're weak there were times where I was weak and I might have I might have taken that
Speaker 1
off the list. Is, like, even at even at the end of the day, what is a midwife telling someone to do? You know, other than these, like, regulated tests, I mean, she might have, like, told you to eat or not eat something or to do a squat or not do a squat, but, like, you know, that at the end of the day, like, it's not like a midwife is somebody or a doctor is somebody who's really, there all that much in your pregnancy. It's more of this illusion, and you bring up such a good point because, you know, free birth ultimately is about taking responsibility for yourself. And the thing is, mothers are gonna do that sooner or later most likely. You know, they can push it off in birth and be super managed and have a doctor tell them what to do and, you know, have the nurses take care of the baby. But at some point, they come home. And at some point, they're gonna be making their own decisions. You know? And I guess even furthermore, I wanna say even if a woman is choosing a doctor to tell them what to do, they're still making that choice. You know? And we are in a society that so actively tries to escape responsibility and escape, yeah, self accountability. Right? Because that's one of the scariest parts of free birth is there's no one else to blame. I'm going to have to take responsibility for my choice and for my baby, and like you said, a part of that is the most powerful, freeing, high experience, you know, that there is. And as it's said in all areas of life, responsibility comes with
Speaker 4
Spider Man? Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2
With with
Speaker 4
great Yeah.
Speaker 2
With great Yeah. With great power comes great
Speaker 1
responsibility. Yes. Exactly.
Speaker 4
Yeah.
Speaker 1
And you can't you can't, like, live small, you know, and and have everyone else make your decisions and stay this kind of small person and then, yeah, and then expect to feel powerful and vice versa. You can't expect to feel powerful and state claim in your life and create this experience and then expect no responsibility. So it's I I hear you. I mean, it's it's it's super heady. I was surprised by how heady, unassisted pregnancy was.
Speaker 4
My also my my, my kind of, like, coping mechanism or my thoughts process anytime that I would have, like, the urge to, like, fob off responsibility or I would get afraid would be to to really think out in my head, like like, go through every single, like, step by step what would happen if I did go in. Like, what what are they gonna tell me? What are they gonna do for me? Like, what answers are they gonna be able to give me? And inevitably, when I get to the end of that scenario, it would be like, they're not going to do anything for me. They're going to they're going to make me more afraid. They're going to do ambiguous testing that's not going to give me any answers about what's actually going on. It's just gonna give me a bunch of possibilities of things that could be going wrong.
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
And then I'm gonna be in the system and and it's just, like, it's not worth it. And also, another thing that really helped is to just not make any decisions quickly. Like, you don't have to like, when you're having a fear in that moment, you don't have to make a decision in that moment based on that fear. Like, you can just nothing is happening that quickly. Like, you can just take a day and and usually the next day, I would be like, wow. I feel completely differently about this situation. Like, like, there was a couple times where I experienced, like, a little bit of bleeding, like, midway through pregnancy and, like, you know, you wipe and you're just, like, oh my god. Like, heart attack.
Speaker 1
Totally.
Speaker 4
It's just so horrible. And then and then I just, like, consciously, I'm like, okay. Like, watch your breathing. Like, don't no panic. And it's not a big deal. And we'll revisit this tomorrow. And then I would come back to it tomorrow, and I wouldn't be bleeding, and I would feel fine. And baby would be kicking, and I'd be like, okay. That was Mhmm. No big deal.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 4
So
Speaker 1
It's as if your body could, you know, fix itself and take care of your baby and, you know, it's it's we it's What? It get yeah. What? It gets painted in our society that the hospital is this, like, magic magic place that has, like, all these things, you know, that's gonna make you better, which doesn't really make any sense with pregnancy. And unless you're at the tail end of pregnancy where it would be safe to remove the baby, they can't do shit. You know? I mean, what, they can give you an ultrasound, which just tells you if there's a heartbeat or not, and they can speculate on the possible, you know, ways to pathologize your pregnancy. Like, that like you said, you know, it's Yeah. It's so smart to slow I I had a near drowning incident in the second twelfth or thirteenth, week of my pregnancy, and same thing. I had this, like, knee jerk reaction of, like, am I supposed to go get checked out? Okay. Wait. What does checked out mean? What would they do? What what is really happening if I were to go get checked out? And one hundred percent what would happen is they would just give me an ultrasound. That's all that they would do. Yeah. It's not like there's some other way that they can assess you.
Speaker 4
Yeah. And that's totally our mindset with I mean, just the whole medical model is that they they do have the answers, and that's just something that I've been having to and pregnancy just, like, put it front and center, but, you know, for everything in our lives, for, for any anything health and human and body wise, it's like the the doctors have a have an answer for you.
Speaker 1
And that's and that's a thing.
Speaker 4
Have an answer.
Speaker 1
And if, you know, I think there's a big difference of like, I think fundamentally the problem in our culture is women aren't allowed to say I have my own answer, you know, because we don't trust women. But if you are going, I don't have the answer, and so I wanna seek other people who may have an answer, that is totally legit. Like, no one's knocking that. Mhmm. But if a woman is saying, I actually feel fine or I don't wanna do that test or I'm not interested in exploring, you know, that path, and I am, you know, coming up with my own, independent intuitive decisions and, answers to my own questions, well, that needs to be, you know, front and center acknowledged. And, obviously, that's why there's such pushback about free birth, and that's why it's such a big deal that all different types of women, are deciding this for themselves because it's I mean, the most radical part about this is how radical it is. Right? Like, that women are just like, I'm just gonna I'm just gonna let this happen. It's like,
Speaker 2
you're just gonna let this happen?
Speaker 1
Who does that? Anyway, let's let's pivot let's pivot towards your birth cause I wanna hear all the all the details. Your your written birth story, what was that, a day or so afterwards that you posted in the group was one of my most favorite favorite favorite written birth stories that I've ever read. So I'm excited to hear you tell it in real time.
Speaker 4
Yeah. It's, like, it's actually the most boring part
Speaker 2
of my entire pregnancy is the pregnancy.
Speaker 1
Well and, actually, I wanna before we go to the actual story, I wanted to, reminisce on our funny little conversation that I I really think highlights, the inaccuracy of measuring the fundus. Right? Oh, yeah. Because, you know, you and I you and I had were Facebook messaging. And and my understanding was that if you were thirty four weeks, or why don't you just tell it? If you were gonna be living on a boat in April to just make sure you include include that part because I thought that was funny.
Speaker 4
Yeah. So, so I when the date that I conceived on was, it it could have been two cycles. So, I was either, you know, getting towards the end of my pregnancy, I knew I was either thirty four or thirty eight weeks, or thirty three or thirty seven, whatever. And so I was almost positive that I was, going to be due in May. So I thought that I had conceived on a later cycle. And so I took a job, out of town, out of our village and was we're we're, we keep our boat in another town because there's a harbor over there and our fishing boat. And so I was staying on our fishing boat alone, for five days out of the week while I worked, out of town. And, I was, like, I had never been running before. So I I was, like, just kinda going with it and pretty much just, like, downplaying everything. I mean, like, I was like, okay. Like, this doesn't mean anything. This doesn't mean anything. This doesn't mean anything. And and I was getting, like so I had lost, like, a big chunk of mucus. Like like a big snotty chunk of mucus, when when I thought that I was, you know, around thirty weeks or
Speaker 1
so. Okay.
Speaker 4
And and and I didn't I didn't even tell anybody. Like, I didn't, like, I didn't tell anybody at all. I didn't ask anybody about anything. I was just like, well, I know my mucus plug could regrow. So this happened. Okay. Goodbye, mucus. And then I just, like, I was just, like, in the back of my head, I was just, like, I don't know. I feel like I just feel different. Like, things are just changing. Like, this timeline is happening. And just from what I understand of pregnancy and birth, like, I feel like I am getting riper. And so I had, in we had some conversation about, like, I think I invested in a bit like, yeah. I don't actually know what I do. And I'm kind of just living on the boat out here and get prepared to, like, possibly have my baby alone on the boat. Wow. That that could happen because I just had no idea. And, and you recommended to try and measure my fundus. And I was like, oh, yeah. That's a great idea. You know, I hadn't done that. Which which
Speaker 1
I need to insert is not actually that was just, like, I guess, a stupid thing to even say because
Speaker 2
it's not Well, that's what it felt.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Go ahead.
Speaker 4
It felt really good to do it though. Like, it we we I did it. Like, I, like, ran into the bathroom right there and I got off the phone with you and measured my fuzziness and it said I was thirty four weeks, which was exactly, you know, I was either thirty four or thirty eight weeks, and I measured it thirty four. And I was like, problem solved. That's thirty four weeks.
Speaker 2
I still
Speaker 4
have, you know, I still have a month to go. And so that just kind of, like I was, like, alright. Like, this is all just you know, this is what's happening.
Speaker 1
And then how how many days later did you go into labor?
Speaker 4
I it I don't it was, like, maybe a week later or something like that. So It was not very it was not very far Do you
Speaker 1
so then do you feel in retrospect that you birthed around thirty five weeks?
Speaker 4
I so when I, like, when I looked at my calendar and stuff, I think I was thirty seven, so it must have been thirty three weeks later that we had had that conversation. I don't remember. I I'm pretty sure that I've that thirty seven weeks. I don't know. Yeah.
Speaker 1
Well, I love that you don't know, actually. I think that's really cool because, you know, I think I think that for for some women, they want a free birth but still keep it very about the numbers, and they do all the same prenatal care, but they manage it themselves, which is totally fine because there's a million ways to do this. But I also love when there's women like you, and I have a girlfriend in Hawaii who who has no idea. She she's like, the baby will be due at some point this year. Like, she really genuinely doesn't know and quite intentionally. And it's her third, so it's a bit more more wild than it was probably with her first. But, you know, I I love it. I think there's a massive surrender in that. And because at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. You weren't going to Yeah. Go to the hospital anyway, and so you were obviously within a window that you felt comfortable birthing, you know, on a boat or at home or wherever it wound up being. So it doesn't really matter. But I was just curious after you birthed. I was like, man, does that mean that was that fundus thing off?
Speaker 4
Yeah.
Speaker 1
You know, we'll never know.
Speaker 2
I don't know. I'll have
Speaker 4
to I'll have to go back and look at when we had that conversation and then compare it to when I actually gave birth. Yeah. Because I'd be interested. And and so the the big thing for me that that reassured me about, just kind of, like, where I was at in on the spectrum of labor and birth is that, things had been progressing at like, just like like signposts, you know, like like, oh, okay. I think this that you know, I lost a big chunk of mucus. And then, like, you know, a few weeks later, like, started feeling, like, forgetful. And then my intestines were were changing in their flavor and their feeling. It just this I wasn't looking at, like, specific, like, this happened on this date and that time and this frequency is just like it's just like things were changing at a pace that I felt good with and headed in the right section Yeah. Which is totally vague and it's gonna be different for everybody. But it was like that just it felt it felt like pregnancy was good. It felt like it was being pregnant.
Speaker 1
Okay. So tell me.
Speaker 4
It felt like So so I was still working and, yeah, like I said, I was, like, things were just starting to feel different and I was getting forgetful. And I never really got, like, huge. Like, I didn't really get uncomfortable or, I don't know. I just felt and and I never got the Linnea Nigra and I never got stretch marks. So I was just, like, waiting for those all to, like, explode on my body. And it just and it didn't happen. So that was another thing that I was just, like, okay. Like, I still have quite a while to go. But then I had, a day I had one day off of work that week, and I drove back to our village. And, I drove back after work that night, and then I had the one day off. And during that one day, I got up in the morning, and I felt, I felt really good. Like, I was just like, like, today is a good day. And so, first thing in the morning, I went out and with my father-in-law, like, turned dirt in the garden getting ready for planting potatoes. So I was, like, shoveling and, like, you know, working in the sun and getting all muddy. And then, after that, I went for a a walk, like, a pretty long walk with my partner and the dog. And, like, as we were getting back close to home, I I said to him, like, I have never been so uncomfortable in my body, but felt so good. I was like, I feel high. Like, it was it was just like it was so good. Like, my head felt like it was, like, floating and, I don't know. I just it's like indescribable. I just felt really good. But I wasn't like I didn't think anything of it. I was
Speaker 2
just
Speaker 4
like, yeah.
Speaker 2
Today was a good day. I feel good today. And
Speaker 4
then we got home and I ate a huge lunch. I was really hungry. I ate a huge lunch and then just, like, immediately afterwards, got this, like, visceral urge to be alone and to take a nap. I was, like, I'm going home. I'm going to bed. And I just got up and left and came home. And I took, like, a two hour nap and it was just a glorious nap, like, where do you wake up from? It just feels really good. And, and then I went back up to the house that we all kind of socialize at, the big house, and ate, two bowls of clam chowder, which I I do not like clam, like, gross. And I was like, fuck, yeah. Clam chowder.
Speaker 1
Like, was it already was it already, like, prepared and you just ate it or you were like, I need to eat clam chowder?
Speaker 4
No. Well, my mother-in-law, like, cooks dinner for the family sometimes. So it was just like a big family meal, and it no. She had just made clam chowder. Gotcha. I I just don't. I just usually eat something else.
Speaker 2
And I
Speaker 4
was just like, that day. I was like, this sounds really good. And I ate two big bowls of clam chowder. And
Speaker 1
then,
Speaker 4
at that point, I was having, like, like, really, really, really mild period cramps, but it wasn't like it wasn't, like, cramps that come and go. It was like it's like when you actually have your period. Like, it was just like a constant, like, just low, small cramp. And so I was like, well, that's not a contraction because it's not coming and going. This is nothing. And, you know, I was like, I had to go to work the next day. So I was like, I'm not in labor. Like, this is this is just part of the spectrum. Like, we're just gonna keep going, keep trucking till May. And,
Speaker 1
I'm just gonna be a dialer.
Speaker 2
Yep. I was still
Speaker 4
gonna give birth in May. This point, it's April seventeenth.
Speaker 1
And you're literally in labor.
Speaker 4
Yeah. I must have that must have been, like, my the start of my labor. And, so by that point, it was, like, you know, it was evening time and I went home and, and I noticed, like, a little bit of, like, pink tinged when I wiped, but no, like, big chunks of mucus like I had lost earlier. So I was like, okay. Well, this just like, all this means is that my service is changing, and that's that's totally normal. And my service could be changing for weeks before I have this baby. So I just noted it
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
And I went to bed. Nice.
Speaker 2
I was
Speaker 4
like, okay. The service is changing. That's all this means. And I I so usually I listen to a podcast, like, just whatever podcast, to help me fall asleep. And I put on a podcast and, fall asleep. And then I woke up and my cramps are, like, just got kinda uncomfortable. And I was just restless. I just was, like, kind of awake and so I put on another podcast and I just, like, wasn't interested. Usually, I fall asleep in, like, ten minutes, and I was just, like, oh, this podcast is kind of irritating me. Like, it's just not the right one. I tried to switch it to a different one, and it just not work it out. And so I'm like, okay. Well, I'm gonna masturbate. That'll help me fall asleep. And so and so this is actually my partner hadn't made like, built me this day bunk downstairs. We live in a really tiny little house, and, he had built me this day bunk downstairs because I pictured myself. We're not wanting to go up the really steep stairs to our upstairs bed later in pregnancy, but I haven't been using it at all. Like, I've been using it to sit on in the day, but, like, I haven't been sleeping there. But this night, I was like, like, I just feel like being alone, like, in my bed. So I was downstairs.
Speaker 2
My
Speaker 4
partner was asleep upstairs, and, I decided to masturbate to help myself fall asleep, and so I did. And it was not even that great of an orgasm. It was just like a it was just like a, like, I need to go to sleep. Like like, you know, three minutes and done kind of thing. And the second the second I climaxed, water just gushed everywhere.
Speaker 2
Like Oh my god.
Speaker 4
It was just like, poosh. And I was like, Okay. Well, this is a little bit harder to write off.
Speaker 1
I love I love that, like, I love that being so specific that it wasn't even that good of a climax even though it broke your bag of waters. That's amazing.
Speaker 2
No. I'm so that's, like, the part that
Speaker 4
I was, like, so fascinated about is, like, what was going on in my uterus during that orgasm that, like, it it literally it was, like, the exact second of climax, like, that it popped and my water broke. So they're must
Speaker 1
have been It was ready.
Speaker 2
It had to have squeezed it. Yeah.
Speaker 4
It just, like, squeezed it just enough to to pause it. But I hadn't, like, I hadn't been not had any contractions up until that point. It was still just, like like, a dull, constant period cramp. So
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
I was still in denial. And then I wasn't in denial anymore. I was like, okay. Well, the baby's gonna come probably in the next few days Mhmm. Sometime. And I was like, okay. Well, I guess I should get up and, like, put down a towel or something, like, just in case the baby is gonna come sooner rather than later. So I had, I I had all these plans about what labor was gonna be like for me. And I had, made myself this birthing stool that so when I first found out I was pregnant, I was walking along the beach, and there's this there's this old cemetery that's right on the waterfront, just out of town, like, a couple miles out of town. And I was walking by there, and I saw this, like, cedar stump that was, like, perfect. It just spoke to me. It was beautiful. And I carried this, like, eighty pound cedar stump on my back two miles back to town. It took me hours to get it back here. And then I carved the whole thing out. Like, I carved out the inside of it to, like, a bowl shape. So it was like a toilet seat edge and That's awesome. I, like, cambered I cambered the bottom, like, in all directions so it's, like, slightly rounded on the bottom so it could, like, rock in a three hundred and sixty degree motion. Like, it was a pain in the ass. It was a lot of work and it was and I had my partner, like, paint the inside with, like, a design and, like, my baby was gonna be born in the
Speaker 2
dump. Nice. That sounds so cool. It was really
Speaker 4
really cool. And so I, like, I, like, hauled this stump in from off the porch, and I got down my I had a, I had, like, an aerial yoga hammock, like, piece of silk thingy thing, hanging from the ceiling. Oh, nice. Hold that all down. Too. Yeah. And that was that was, like, the only thing that I
Speaker 2
used. Nice.
Speaker 4
I I pulled it all down and got it all ready, and, like, I put and yeah. So after that, they just, like, progressed really quickly. It went from, like, late period cramps to, like, this is really uncomfortable. And I was, like, try I, like, couldn't get comfortable. I was trying out I was trying out all these different positions to to try and get comfortable, like, leaning over the bed and then, you know, I tried sitting on my stump and I was just like, nope. This is not gonna work for me, and I didn't touch the darn thing once more.
Speaker 2
And,
Speaker 4
yeah, so, like, just really, really quick. I mean, so this is, like, after my water had broken. This is maybe, like, an hour into it. I kinda spent just, like, ambling around trying to get comfortable. And then after that, I, I started to, like, make a little bit of noise. Like, I was starting to moan a little bit.
Speaker 1
Does your partner know yet that labor's happening?
Speaker 4
No. I hadn't I hadn't said anything. Okay. He was still he was still snoring upstairs.
Speaker 1
Nice.
Speaker 4
Yeah. And and so he he woke up when I I was, like, pouring myself some water or something, and he was just, like, called down. He was, like, do you need me down there? And I was like, I don't think so. My water broke. But, you know, it could be a long time yet, so you just stay up there. Mhmm. And he's like, okay. And then
Speaker 1
He's like, you don't have to tell me twice.
Speaker 4
So progressively was getting, louder and louder, you know, through these contractions. And I was really confused because I had I had read so many birth stories and heard so many things. And I know, like, I know intellectually that that all labors are different. But I also just, like, believed that they all follow kind of a general pattern. But mine was like like it was like nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. You know, period cramps, water broke. And then it was like really strong. It didn't it didn't even feel like a contraction, though. Like, it just was, like, sharp pain, like, burning pain, like, in in, like, my lower belly. Like, it almost felt, like, on the skin. Like, it didn't feel deep. It didn't like, I'm I, like, am very aware of, like, my uterus and my cervix and what they feel like and, like, what it feels like when they're doing things, and contracting. And this, like, just didn't feel like anything that I felt before, and they were so close together, but really short. Like, they're just they're lasting for, like, twenty seconds. They're, like, a minute apart. And it was, like, okay. This is, like, off my script here. Mhmm. And but and I was just telling myself, like, okay. This is what it's gonna be like for the next twelve hours. Like, you got this. Like, it's just it's gonna be a while. And, so I I think I I was just getting, like, pretty loud and my partner was like, do you want me down there yet? And I was like, yeah. Maybe you could just come down here just because I might need you to get me a bucket.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Probably because
Speaker 4
I was like, I was a little nauseous and I was shaky and, like, my hands were really clammy and it just felt like
Speaker 1
It was all that clam chowder.
Speaker 2
God damn clam chowder. Yeah. So so he
Speaker 4
came downstairs, and he, like, walked by me. At this point, I was on my hands and knees on the yoga mat on the floor, and, he he patted me on the back. And I was just like, yeah. If you could just go sit over there in the corner. So I I just I vanished him not vanished him, but I sent him politely to the corner, the opposite side of the room. He's, like, ten feet away, but in the dark. And I had all the lights out, so it's very dark. And he was very quiet and wonderful, didn't say anything at all. And I just got completely in the zone. Like, I was, I used my yoga hammock for a little while, and I was standing up and through a contraction would be hanging off of it, like, marrying my face in it and just hanging, like, with my knees slightly bent and just kind of, like, rocking and swinging. And, and then I couldn't stand anymore. And I was on my hands and knees, and I just have this image of myself. Like, you know, like, the cartoon images of donkeys when they're braying, like, how like, when they when they bray, their whole, like, head goes forward and, like, their teeth are all exposed.
Speaker 2
Like, that's pretty sure that's that's what
Speaker 4
I was doing is, like, when I'd have it contracted, I would just, like, rock forward.
Speaker 1
Totally. Like,
Speaker 4
my whole body, like, neck extended and, like, I Make
Speaker 1
a picture. Like,
Speaker 4
this is the most paramount thing of my entire labor. Like, my labor for me in my mind, in reflection, has turned into this yell that I was that I was doing. And, it was it was kind of amazing. It was like I I am very proud of myself. I it never turned into anything high pitched or or ragged or or despairing. It was, it was, like, very much from the diaphragm. Mhmm. Like, a very a very tight, like I I don't even know how to describe it. I've never yelled like that before. It was very loud.
Speaker 2
And yeah. And, You
Speaker 1
were a wild donkey.
Speaker 2
She was a wild donkey.
Speaker 1
Own it, girl. Own your wild donkey. Yeah. Exactly.
Speaker 4
At this point, I was still, like, I was still I was, like, into the ride. I was like, oh my god. Like, this is insane. It hurts so bad. But I it was like it I read a description somewhere of a lady describing contractions, and she said that it was, exquisite pain. And and it really was. It was just like it it was just like perfect pain. I don't know. It was impossible to describe. Like, there there was no there was, like, no break. And the only fear that I had during this entire process was, like, in the midst of these, like, relentless doggy contractions was, like, I am going to asphyxiate because I cannot stop yelling.
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
Like, I'm not breathing in between these contractions. And I thought that I was gonna not be able to breathe. And so that went on for probably, like, an hour, just getting louder and louder. And I was on my hands and knees, and our so our house is, built of red cedar, six inch thick board. So there's no insulation or anything. It's just six inch thick solid wood walls, and it's really small. And I was on my hands and knees right in front of our wood stove, which is a, a stainless steel, barrel, like a soda can barrel. And so the entire house was, like, echoing, like, just reverberating with these, like, powerful powerful brains. And my partner, finally, after an hour of this, just kind of, like, peeped up the dark corner and was like, is it okay if I go to the pair of earplugs?
Speaker 2
And I was like, yeah. Go. Okay. Don't care. Don't talk to me.
Speaker 4
And so he got up and, went out the front door and started going down the path to our shop to get a pair of earplugs. And, I had, a contraction, and, like, while he was, like, out, and I was, like, in my head, I was like, woah. That one felt different. Like, I, like, didn't say anything yet, but I was like, that one felt different. And then a couple of seconds later, another one, and
Speaker 2
I was like, Eric, come back. Like, somebody's coming out. And so he
Speaker 4
came back in, and, and and it was just like, it was so cool that just feeling them change, like, I don't I there's there's, like, no words to describe it. It's just they changed and they felt different and
Speaker 1
Was your hand down there at all? Did you did you feel
Speaker 4
like, it was just dead quiet. And I was just, like, immediately, like, in a different space, like, calm and, like, like, just in reverence for the being, like, moving through my body. And I did not there was, like, no thought involved in this, moving from my hands and knees to, like, a a deep squat slash lunge, so I was, like, squatting with one half and then knee up with the other half. So, like, my butthole was, like, right on the ground, right on my yoga mat. And, she just came out so fast. Like, and and I did not experience the fetal ejection reflex. It was, I but I also didn't really push either. I don't know. It's like a it wasn't it wasn't a really powerful physical feeling. It was like it was just, like, very calm and controlled, and I can feel her moving down, and then I felt her head. Yeah. I don't I wasn't really I don't know. I don't think I was having, like I didn't feel, like, really strong contractions. Like, I didn't feel my uterus tightening at all. I just, like it it felt it really felt like taking a poop. Mhmm. Like, if if you've had, like, a big hard poop that, you know and, like, I I would
Speaker 1
That was actually a baby?
Speaker 2
Yeah. Well, well, because, like,
Speaker 4
I would practice sometimes, like, when I was pooping, like, like, just breathing poop out.
Speaker 2
Mhmm. Because,
Speaker 4
you know, just to, like, experience what that feels like to not to not, like, push it out, not force it out, but just to, like, feel it come out. And it just it, like, felt like that. It was, like, you know, just, like, little, like, little exploratory pushes Mhmm. Like, gingerly kind of easing her out and then And I hyperactivity in that position.
Speaker 1
I would say that that is the fetal ejection reflux that that the baby was just coming. It doesn't necessarily mean it's just, like, insane, fast, you know, aggressive thing. I think the fetal ejection reflex is just the fetus birthing him or herself.
Speaker 4
Yeah. Yeah. It was yeah. It was it for sure felt like a team effort because, like, I was not putting a lot of effort or thought into it. I was just kinda yeah. Yeah. I don't know. It just kinda happened. Like, it was I'm glad that I didn't try and plan for that part because it just happened. And then her head was out and, like, I just ugh. I love that feeling. Like, her head in my hand and feeling, like, just talking to her and feeling her body turn in my pelvis. And that was
Speaker 2
the that
Speaker 4
was the one thing the one thing in my labor that that went, like, that went with something that I had hoped for and, like, kind of, like, dreamed about, was being able to feel that. That was something that I, like, always fantasized about was, like, how cool is that that you could have a head out of your body? Like, the rest of it is in your body and it's like you can feel it through your entire being. And so I felt her I felt her turn and then and then the rest of her came out and, I had it really, really dark in the house and it was so this is, like, one o'clock in the morning, that she was actually born and I had no lights on. And so I I was, like, torn. I really didn't wanna turn the lights on, but I really wanted to see, like, what she looked like.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Right? That's right.
Speaker 4
And then and then Placenta was right right on the heels, like, was, like, already at the opening of my vagina, like, as she came out. And so, oh my god, that felt so good too. Like, pursing the placenta was my absolute favorite part of of the entire process. It was, like like, so satisfying to get everything out and be empty. And then so finally my partner got to help.
Speaker 2
I had him get a bowl for me for the placenta. I called him over.
Speaker 4
So yeah. And then, that's pretty much it. Like, I just I sucked sucked some mucus out of her a little bit because she was a little bit raffy.
Speaker 1
Sucked it out with what?
Speaker 4
With my mouth. Mhmm. Just yeah. Just got it a little bit out of her out of her nose. Yeah. And then I actually, like, I got, like, halfway through a text to you. I was like Really?
Speaker 2
I have no idea. And I was like, what are you doing?
Speaker 4
I'm like, don't don't text her at one o'clock in the morning. Like, you don't need to start that right now. So I I didn't send it.
Speaker 1
Aw. That's so cute. Well, you told me you told me through the ethers.
Speaker 4
Yeah. And, I did I called my mom and dad. They live down in Oregon, and I called them, like, right after she was born and woke them up out of bed and told them that she was born, just because I was really excited, and I wanna tell somebody. And then, yeah, after that, it was, like, really I don't know. It was very anticlimactic. And I also like, I did not get the, like, endorphin rush, like, high. I feel really good. I feel like I got that before. Mhmm. But before, like, when I when I went for that walk and felt really good, that was, like, my that was my oxytocin rush right there. Because afterwards, I was, like, I was, like, pretty shaky and, like, I was so I pictured myself, like, after watching all these birth videos and and hearing all these stories. Like, I would cry at birth videos all the time, like, just bawl. Like, oh my god. It's so beautiful. And, like, I thought I was gonna be, like, a la like, a joyful laughing crying, like, pull her up to my chest and be, like, had shared this moment with my partner, like, see his face, to see his child, and that was not how I am at all. Like, I
Speaker 1
too. I didn't cry.
Speaker 4
I pulled her out. I was so businesslike.
Speaker 2
Like, I was just like,
Speaker 4
okay. Will you please, will you please hand me that bucket, and will you please turn that light on? I was, like, really polite, really calm.
Speaker 1
That's hilarious.
Speaker 4
And then just, like, just, like, handled it. And then got into bed downstairs, and, like, I was, like, kinda, like, wired. Like, I couldn't I we didn't fall asleep. We just sat there in the dark. Like, it was quiet for five hours until we were just waiting until it was, like, light enough that other people would have woken up, so we could, like, go out and show her to the rest of the family. But, also, we had, this is the one so it was my one day off of work, and it was one day that we had, family friends from out of town staying on the property with us. So our like, I I pictured myself, like, using the shower, like, in labor because I really like to take showers when I'm sick. And, they were staying Our shower and laundry and stuff is in a separate building, and they were we had guests staying in that building. So I was like, well, I'll get plans. We went out the door. Well, that's great. So yeah. Right? I was just like, well, that was really fast and intense and just it was so it was just so normal. It was just like it was just so basic and unevent I don't know. I don't know. It's like I don't know how to describe all. I I just, like, thought for sure that I was gonna have, some sort of, like, like, semi spiritual experience, like, just, I don't know, just, like, who I am, like, as a person I I felt that I was gonna have some something more than that. But it was but it's coming as I'm, like, reflecting. The the spiritual experience is coming through reflection.
Speaker 1
That's what I was gonna ask is is what about postpartum? Have you, have you cried?
Speaker 4
I cried, like, a week later when I saw that my daughter had a hang mail, and I realized that there were times that she's gonna be in pain and that I'm not gonna be able to help her. Yeah. That was, like, the first time that I cried. I was like, oh my god. Like, you're a separate being, and I can't pretend to anymore from this.
Speaker 1
The other the other horrible thing that made me cry the other day was that I accidentally hurt her. And I just, like, put her on the bed too quickly, and it scared her, and she started to cry. I guess it was more scared. I didn't hurt her. But I was like, oh my god. And then, like, one time, I went to pick her up too quickly, and my my thumb just, like, nicked her ear. And and she just started to cry. And I was like, this is so fucked up. Like, I I hurt you, and now I'm the one comforting you. Like Yeah. This is, like, abusive.
Speaker 4
Yep. It's so intense. It's definitely a trip. Yeah.
Speaker 1
So how was your postpartum? I and I wanted if you would, I wanted you to speak to before we wrap up about I thought it was interesting when you posted something the other day in the group about, your partner's almost lack of involvement. I thought that was interesting. I don't remember your words around it, but I was wondering about
Speaker 4
him blowing him blowing raspberries on our
Speaker 1
feet? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 4
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So postpartum has definitely been, like, the the biggest learning experience for me. So like I mentioned earlier, I had, like, I set a lot of boundaries for myself pre birth. I had made, like, kind of a, like, a postpartum game plan that I gave to the family just, like, of of my needs and my expectations just because we all live so close together, that, like, I felt like I really needed to set some boundaries, which so my boundaries were, like, like, if you see me, like, walking through the property, like, when I'm in labor, if I'm, like, headed towards the shower or something, like, please don't please don't engage me, like, if unless I engage you. And then so for my, like, twenty four hours postpartum, I was like, like, please don't come back to the house. Like, we'll send pictures. Like, you know, it's just gonna be very private, me and my partner and baby. And then I said for my, like, one week postpartum, I said, like, we might come up and visit you, but please also don't come back to the house. Like, I don't want anybody outside of family to come to the property. Just, like like, very specific, and pretty strict in my in my privacy. And then as it turned out, like, immediately after she was born, like, at six o'clock that morning, I was like, let's go to the big house. Like, I wanted to show her
Speaker 2
off. Yeah.
Speaker 4
And and I felt I felt really good. I didn't care at all. Like, bleeding was very minimal. Like, I felt I mean, I felt, like, shaky a little bit and, like, just like I had done, like, a huge physical event, but, like, other than that, I felt really good. And so we went up to the house and, like, showed her off to the like, to a guy that I had never met before, like, a friend of the family. And, like, he was, like, giving her gifts and, like, she still had, like, blood
Speaker 2
all over her head Nice.
Speaker 4
Which I imagine was And everybody was it was a good experience. Like, all like, the friends of the family and his friend were, like, bawling. Like, these two older men were just, like, crying because they had never seen such a a fresh baby before, and they were giving her gifts and stuff. And then, yeah. So that for that first week or so, so my mom flew in to visit and to to help out. She was a really sleepy baby, like, like, really sleepy and, breastfeeding was, like, kind of hard, at first. And I so I had a breast reduction a year ago, so it's, like, already a huge stress for me, like, my worry about being able to produce enough milk.
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
And so I had my mom come up because so my mother-in-law never breastfed. She bottled fed formula, from the get go for both her kids. And so, I didn't really have and and so most of the people in our village are are older, so I don't really have anybody to talk to breastfeeding. And so my mom came up to, like, kinda help out with that, which is great because I love I love my mom. And it was really nice to have her, and it was really wonderful for her to see her baby. But as it turns out, the person that I needed to be the most strict with with my postpartum plan was myself.
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
Because everybody else was super respectful of all of my wishes, but I was the one that broke all of my my goals. I was the one that initiated all of that and at the end of that first week, it was like, this is not working. Like, I am so stressed, like, like, I felt I felt, like, good physically until, like, I had started doing all this stuff and, like, I we went for a drive, like, to to drop to, like, pick up my mom and drop her off, like, out of town. So it was, like, a hour drive down a bumpy dirt road and, like, and I was just, like, getting super frazzled. And so at the end of that week, I was like, my mom left and I was like, okay. I am, like, shutting this down. Like, cloistering myself, like, got the house really hot, just stayed naked, and, like, me and baby were in bed, and I didn't, I just, like, free bled onto towels and did nothing at all. I told my mother-in-law, like, okay. Here's my new plan. Like, I need these meals. Like, I want you to cook this for me.
Speaker 1
Nice.
Speaker 4
Bring it to me.
Speaker 2
Good for you.
Speaker 4
And yeah. Well, so, funnily enough, that actually turned out to not be exactly right for me either because after a few days of, like, being in the house and my and it was, like, such an adjustment for a relationship between two people. So myself and my partner. He like, his happiness and internal, like, satisfaction comes from being, busy and productive and, like, getting things done and being outside and, like, working on projects and stuff, but he felt, like, obligated to kinda, like, stay inside with me and the baby. And so that was not good for his mental health. And by proxy, not good for my mental health. And just, like, me just being inside, like, just laying in bed all day in, like, a really hot room with, like, a baby that has so many needs that I don't understand.
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
Like, what like, what does this mean? Like, I I was like it was that was almost as stressful as, like, trying to live my life like nothing had happened, like, that first week. Mhmm. And so after a few days of doing that, I, like, found my balance. Like, I came I swung both ways really strongly and then kind of, like, found my balance in the middle, which was just staying really close to home, just seeing family, like, not letting anybody outside of family see her, hold her, but also, like, going outside and going for walks in the sun and nursing on the beach, and just focusing on drinking water. And I've still I'm I've been sleeping in the downstairs in a separate bed, and my partner sleeps upstairs, which, like, that's, like, another one of those things that I thought, like, I I would have been offended if he had proposed that, you know, like, that yeah. Like like, that he's gonna sleep upstairs so he can get sleep, and I'm gonna stay downstairs, and, like, I will completely take care of the baby by myself. Like, which is what I've been doing. Like, I I'm breastfeeding. I'm, you know, changing your diapers. I'm doing everything for her. And he's kinda just, like, going about his his life our life. Because so our fishing season starts, you know, in, like, a month. We're gonna be out on the boat all summer fishing. And so we have shitload of work to do to get the boat ready. It's just, like, really, like, crunch time for us.
Speaker 1
Well and it's not like it's not like he's, like, off with his friends and playing video games and, like, not I mean, he's playing a different role in the family. Yeah. You know, you're playing your role and he's playing his that works for you guys. And that makes sense to me. As long as both of you are cool with those roles, you know, then Yeah. Then it's perfect.
Speaker 4
Yeah. And it's just it's something that I thought that I would not have been okay with. Like but now, like, as we enter into this, like, phase of our lives, it's like, okay. This is what our, like, this is what our
Speaker 2
parenting relationship looks like.
Speaker 4
And, like,
Speaker 1
this is what it looks like.
Speaker 2
Right. And it's
Speaker 1
and it's what it looks like right now. Right? Like Yeah. She is so, so new, and this is all so new. And, really, you know, I mean, arguably, she kinda does just need you right now. Like, you know, I love when men are involved. My husband changed all the diapers. I didn't change a diaper, you know, really for, like, almost a month. Like, that was our dynamic. But, you know, every dynamic is so different, and it's going to look so different in phase two, in phase three, and when she's walking around, and when he can feed her. And, you know, it's gonna just keep morphing and changing.
Speaker 4
And he's so like, he like, I just he's such an amazing person and he's so helpful and, like, just taking care of every taking care of all the things that I don't wanna have to think about right now. Like, I can't I can't think about all that. I love to just lay in bed and nurse, and he goes out and paints the bottom of the boat. Like, that's
Speaker 1
perfect for me. Perfect.
Speaker 4
And, like, what we I think what you touched on earlier, I put a comment on Facebook or something about, like, like, literally all his interaction with her has been so far is, like, he blows raspberries on her face. Like, he, like, he he he doesn't, like, kiss her or talk talk to her. It's just, like, a very like, I can see I can see what their relationship is gonna be like when she gets a little bit older, and she appreciates having asthma blowed on her
Speaker 2
face. Exactly.
Speaker 4
But, he just, like that's just, like, who he is and where he's at, and, and that's great, and it's fine.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Exactly. It'll keep changing. I mean, it's super different when a baby or a little kid can engage with the father and play with the father. And Yeah. You know, I know a lot of men who feel like they don't really quite know how to engage in the parenting process until the kid can respond to them. Yeah. You know, some men are like that, some aren't. You know, even some women are like that and some aren't. So, you know, I think it's
Speaker 4
Yeah. I mean, I don't I don't I have, like, just barely started, like, interacting with her beyond, like, just shoving my boob in her mouth because, like, that I like, I I'm gonna be honest. Like, newborns, not my cup of tea. Like, she's the like, she like, when she she's sleepy and doesn't open her eyes and, like, it it, like, doesn't she doesn't, like, still and I so when I was pregnant, I'm also not, like, a like, a super connected to my baby during pregnancy type of person. And after she was born, that kinda just, like, carried on. I was like, you don't quite feel human yet. Like, I Yeah. I love you because you're my child, and I'm gonna take care
Speaker 1
of you. Exactly. I just was talking about that on on a podcast from last season about how Johnny and I both for for weeks were like, we could give her back. Like, she's, you know, like, she's super cute, but it was it felt like cute like a puppy. It didn't feel Right. I didn't feel this, like, she's mine. Like and and I you know you know, just all the stuff that you hear that lots of of people feel, which is totally beautiful that they feel that. And I had a really different experience. And I know you're only two weeks postpartum at at recording this or two plus. And, you know, it would be fun to check-in in a month and then in two months. And and for me now by three months, it's like when she is out of my sight, it it feels weird, like, having having, it be tested when she's away from me. If it goes for more than an hour or something, you know, I can feel it in my body. But once she started to kind of, like, play back with us and engage back with us
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
It really started to feel more of, like, a relationship versus just essentially, like, keeping them alive. A
Speaker 4
parasite? Yeah.
Speaker 1
A really cute parasite. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. Awesome. Well, I love this story, and I I love the simplicity of it, and I love, you know, some of it is also super, super unique, and I've never heard of anyone opening their waters with an orgasm, which is so epic. I love that so much. And, you know, the honesty of postpartum and that it's awkward and it takes, you know, a while to figure out and you're only two weeks postpartum and you're already finding your flow
Speaker 2
and,
Speaker 1
you know, the boundaries and then like betraying your own boundaries and resetting them within yourself. I mean, it's all just so important to, to talk about and for women to listen to that are that are about to head into this journey themselves.
Speaker 4
Yeah. Yeah. That's it's you can, like, you can start over as many times as you want.
Speaker 1
Exactly. Every day.
Speaker 4
Like yep. If you can really yeah. Every day, you can just be like, well, yesterday didn't work, so I'm gonna do something different today. So Beautiful. Yeah. Learning process.
Speaker 1
Well, thank you so much for your time. I'm so excited to post your episode, and I think people are really gonna love it.
Speaker 2
Yay. I'm gonna be famous. Oh, yeah. I'm so excited.
Speaker 1
Famous Alaska, girl.
Speaker 2
I love it.
Speaker 4
Awesome. Thank you, Emily.
Speaker 1
Thank you. That's it for today, everyone. Join us next week for another episode of the free birth podcast. Thanks for joining us, and remember, your body, your choice. Lots of
Speaker 2
love.
