Speaker 0
Welcome to the Free Birth Podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning, exploring, and celebrating their autonomous choices in child Saldea.
Speaker 1
Saldea. Are you craving a community of like minded women? Do you feel like an outsider in your family or your community? Well, I may have the place for you. We have a Freebird Society private online community that's full of radical and wild women just like you. If you resonate with the topics that we explore on this podcast and wanna belong in a circle of women who support each other in the self exploration of free birth and wild mothering, come join us. You can apply online at our website, free birth society dot com. It's where myself and my team are hanging out these days, and we would love to get to know you. We are back today with my friend, Kim. We're doing a four part series following her wild pregnancy, upcoming free birth, and fourth trimester. This episode is catching up on Kim's second trimester. She fills us in on her continued journey with hyperemesis gravidarum, navigating body image in an ever changing body, and how she's learning to deal with anxiety and the unknown. And Kim tells us about a turning point she had after a trip to the hospital. Hi, Kim.
Speaker 2
Hi. I'm so excited to be doing this.
Speaker 1
I've I've I've kind of intentionally not wanted to reach out too much because I wanna I wanna hear everything condensed to this episode. So we were just saying before we're recording that you're twenty seven weeks, ish, today ish Yep.
Speaker 2
At the time of this. So we'll put this out
Speaker 1
in a couple weeks. But, and so we left off, you know, for anyone needing a quick refresher, from from the first episode we did with you is we're doing a series, a four episode series, of following Kim, who's a dear friend of mine in Los Angeles, of her wild pregnancy of every trimester, and then her fourth trimester, post baby's arrival. And so, the point of this is just to track somebody who's made, this pretty epic choice to have a fully autonomous pregnancy, and then to hear her birth story on the other end with a lot of context of having checked in with her whole journey. So we're here today to cover the second trimester. The last episode was, really kind of just getting into the why she chose it and, conscious conception and, where we left off was Kim unfortunately experiencing a great amount of sickness,
Speaker 2
and a
Speaker 1
lot of throwing up and a lot of feeling terrible. And so, bummer. But they feel like better at twenty seven weeks. But, so that let's kinda let's kinda just start there. So twelve weeks, when
Speaker 2
when we left off. And then,
Speaker 1
you can go back and and listen to her first one if if this is a new story for you. Go back to a couple episodes back where she talks about her first trimester. So, yeah, let's let's dive in to Alright. What it's been like.
Speaker 2
So that I remember when we did this the last time I had, like, my saltines and ginger ale, and I still I have now ginger tea and some bread. But I'm I'm doing a lot better. But yeah. So twelve, thirteen weeks when we last talked, I was throwing up, like, average five times, sometimes ten times a day. It's pretty pretty rough. Still going through my life as much as I could, but super simplified it. And at that point, I was well, you know, every everyone says a lot of people say too when you're pregnant, this happens to be when you're sick. I'm like, oh, it'll around fourteen weeks, it'll get better. Or, like, it's you know, at the
Speaker 1
end of a
Speaker 2
lot of people. Because it does for a lot of people. So I was like a part of me was like, yeah. Okay. But I I never fully believed it. I just, like, had this feeling that it wasn't gonna be that way for me, I think. And a little bit was, like, some stubbornness that I'll get into, but there was some some healing I did around that. But so around I had I had, like, all these things I had to do. My best friend had this big party, and instead of a wedding, she was doing, like, a ten year anniversary party with her partner, and we were doing we did sort of a bachelorette party thing, and I had I had to go to that with her. And I was just, like, going through all these things in life to being the best I could, and that this is in the early second trimester because I had assumed I was gonna get better. But I'm just, like, puking, you know, going going out with friends and they're all drunk and I'm the one puking. Oh my god. Like, but just pushing through.
Speaker 1
Practicality wise, like, did you carry around a bag? Like, I Literally.
Speaker 2
I always had plastic bags in my car, in my purse. I pooped in my car so many times. I can't even tell you. I puked while driving on the freeway. This is how good I got. Like, I could Oh
Speaker 1
my god. Grab a bag.
Speaker 2
It's kinda sad, but I'm sort of proud of it.
Speaker 1
I I could grab a
Speaker 2
bag with one hand on the steering wheel and hold my nose because I learned that I had to hold my nose so that the poop wouldn't come out my nose and hold hold my nose and the bag in the same hand and, like, make it in the bag. It's Yeah.
Speaker 1
Can you imagine the past? Eyes. You're just like, free birth.
Speaker 2
The skills I got. So that was for a while, I was just all the time I mean, I was I was babysitting. I would just puke in their house. They knew. I no. Everyone in my life knew, and I was just always like, I might puke at any moment.
Speaker 1
I can't believe you left your house.
Speaker 2
I mean, I feel like I had to. I I I did it as little as possible. I only left my house if I was getting paid. That was, like, pretty much what I I was, like, only for getting paid and then super important things like my friend's party, you know, or things like that. But, yeah, it was so I got really good at coping with puking, and the weeks are going by. Around week sixteen, I went to New Orleans, which I remember talking to you on the phone while I was there, actually, and I was kinda feeling better, like, having a little bit of time where I wasn't nauseous. Like, it was just not so not only was I puking all the time, but I was twenty four seven nauseous too. So it was just really, like, there was no break. And, you know, I did I slept a lot, and I I ate a lot, actually. I got really good at, like, I would puke, and then I'd just eat immediately because I found that it was definitely worse if my stomach was ever empty, and same with drinking water was, like, I just had to drink so many liquids. And, so, you know, I was kind of just learning as I was going, like, how to cope with it. And so I went to New Orleans and with Jacob, my husband, and we had a pretty good time. Like, we did things. We were able to, like, walk around and, like, mixed with naps and, like, me needing to go to bed at nine and still puking in public places sometimes. But, but I was able to eat more, and my food aversions got way better. Like, that did happen in the early second trimester. Thank god. And the smell aversions because the first trimester was just so bad that it was hard to go anywhere because, like, I didn't go to the grocery store or anything like that. He had to do it or anyone helping me had to do it because I that was just way too much. And I would get in my car and, like, have to spray it with, like, a spray because the smell of the car this was summertime, like, August, and, it would the smell of a hot car would trigger me. Just so many things.
Speaker 1
So try the trick of putting essential oil under
Speaker 2
your I did sometimes. Yeah. That helped me when I had to travel because, like, going in the airport was like, oh, there's
Speaker 1
a lot
Speaker 2
of smells in there. True.
Speaker 1
So I
Speaker 2
had to do a couple times. So we're in New Orleans, and and I was kind of thinking, oh, maybe I'm taking a turn. And and, occasionally, I would discover, like, oh, if I drink a little bit of coffee, I would feel better for, like, an hour. So I would, like there'd be little things. But, usually, any little thing I discovered, it would work for, like, two days, and then I'd, you know, have a really bad day. There was there was a lot of, like in the second trimester, there were some days that were better, and then there were some really bad days. And so I kinda was just learning to be, like, okay. This is when I was in the bad days, it was like, this is a bad day. I just had to surrender, like, cancel everything, just be in my bed or whatever I had to do. So that's what I wanna hard. Yeah. That that's what I kinda want to go to
Speaker 1
is how is your mental space? I mean, I'm hearing you. It it you just sound like you you were in a real survival mode of just, like
Speaker 2
Yes.
Speaker 1
Okay. One day at a time. I'm just figuring out how to get through this this pretty hardcore.
Speaker 2
It was completely that when and people would ask me because, you know, I'm still, like, teaching yoga. I'm going to class and, like, people could tell that I don't feel good, and I I would tell them, like, I might puke during class. Not everyone would say to me, like, how are you doing this? And my response was always, well, I don't have a choice. Like, I I just I am. And that's really the mental space I was in was, like, I there are no other options as far as I see it. Like, I have to just keep going and get through this, and I I knew that it wasn't gonna be a forever thing. Like, I mean, sometimes in my spiraling days, I would say things like, what if I'm just puking every day for the rest of my life?
Speaker 1
You know, like, what if this is
Speaker 2
me now and I just, like, can't be a normal human? And but I knew, like, that's not true. Like, this is everything about this is temporary. So reminding myself of that of how temporary everything is about this journey, but also, like, just had to be in it. So it was very just surviving each day, and not a ton of joy in my life in those days, honestly. It was very, like I wasn't I never really got depressed, which honestly I'm surprised because depression, as I talked to the last episode, is a part of my of my story and my life. But but I didn't I I always was able to keep this, like, like, I I was just deep in it and kind of in a darkness in a way because I I was, like, a bit of a prisoner in my body. But I I didn't feel lost in that. I just I felt very, like, well, I know why this is happening. I understand. And this is just the way my body is processing this, and nothing is wrong with me. Like, ultimately, I understood that that, like, nothing is wrong with me. And I have people be like, why don't you go to a doctor? And I'm like, because they're not gonna help me, and there there's nothing they're gonna do. So that, like, I like gross medication. Yeah. That I don't wanna take. And, you know, when I was trying, like, Unisom and vitamin b six, which is, like, kind of what they give you, and it didn't help me. So I'm like, I I don't need that. And literally, the only thing like, there's some reason why this is happening to me, so I just need to do it and just go through it. So that's kinda how it was, but it was fucking hard. I mean, I can't lie. And then when I look back, I still like, I can't think too much about certain smells, certain things I ate, like, because I will suddenly be like, oh god. I'm gonna throw up. I can, like, get myself back into how that felt pretty quickly because it it was still, you know, just a couple months, not that long ago.
Speaker 1
Well, Anne, you you before we're recording that you just threw up last week. Right?
Speaker 2
Yeah. So the peaking's gone.
Speaker 1
Yeah. So what's it like now?
Speaker 2
Now I throw up about once a week. But so let me get to I wanna talk about, like, week sixteen. So it coming back from New Orleans because that was a big time, because I ended up going to the hospital. So so I'm in, you know, in New Orleans, and I'm starting to feel this, like, I'm having good days. I'm having bad days, but the bad days are still, like, really, really bad, like, actually worse around these weeks. The bad days were worse than, like, earlier on, which I'm just, you know, having these moments like, what the fuck? Like, everyone said it was gonna get better in the second trimester. And it's like, yes. Some hours of the day are better, but mostly, it wasn't. I was definitely puking, like, ten to twelve times at that point. But, you know, doing my best. So the day after we get back from New Orleans, I it was a bad day, and I would wake up sometime and just know, like, this is a bad day. And I just would I don't remember all the details, but I remember, like, I threw up a lot, and I felt horrible. And by the nighttime usually, I could just pass out, or fall asleep or eventually. I need I had to do, like, guided meditations every night to fall asleep because I felt so sick. It was really hard to just fall asleep by myself by myself. So, usually, I did guided meditations, or Jacob would do a guided meditation for me, which was really cute because he would just say the things that he heard on the meditations that I was doing, which is really sweet, or he'd scratch my back or he was, like, a huge part of these days. Like, he cleaned my projectile puke countless times. Anytime I and I would always be like, sorry. Like, just puke on the wall or wherever. Yeah. Because a lot of times I didn't make it to the toilet, and, he just never I mean, he was just incredible. Like, always by my side when I knew him and always, like, cleaning. He knew my routine. He had to make me breakfast. I couldn't get out of bed until I ate. So all he was doing all these things. But that day, I was just really, like, puking a lot. And by the night, I was trying to fall asleep, and I just kept waking up. Or I I wasn't falling asleep. I just kept puking. It started to get to the get to the point where I was no longer puking up food or anything. I was just it was bile, and my throat was burning. I lost count of how many times I'd thrown up. I had a bowl by the bed because I couldn't even make it to the toilet, which usually I could. Sister. And it was like and then around, like, midnight or something, it was started to be, like, every five minutes. Like, I just literally could not stop. And then we saw some stuff that kinda looks like blood, and I was feeling just horrible and, everything's burning. And I'm like, what's happening? Oh my god. This this was way more, like, Yeah. Way more out of control than I'd ever felt before with it. I couldn't fall asleep. Nothing was working. And so we started talking about going to the hospital to get fluids because I was
Speaker 1
Of course.
Speaker 2
Which we had discussed, like, you know, that could happen. And we'd sort of talked about because of that we're free birthing. Like, what would we say? Like, would I not tell them I'm pregnant? Would I? What would we do? Obviously, we would refuse, like, anything we didn't want. So we'd sort of discussed it, but I it it's like going to the hospital was this thing in my head that I was like, I can never get to that point. Like, I am I do not wanna step foot in the hospital. And not I mean, that's probably why it happens because I was so resistant to it.
Speaker 1
Hey. Better now than in your labor.
Speaker 2
Exactly. And that that's kind of what, like, now in retrospect, I'm like, well, it had it had to happen because I had this, like, resistance, and that's why it happened then, I think. But, and we had a yeah. I'll tell you the experience. But
Speaker 1
Yeah. We just wanna be clear here for for listeners, especially if you're kinda new to this podcast. You know, in no way, shape, or form are Kim or I or anything about Freebird Society demonizing Yeah. Going to the hospital to get assistance. The critique that and and the turn that that Kim and I and many women share is that it's not that simple. And that that whole, potential, you know, onslaught of harassment and, it getting very complicated, that's the piece that makes, you know, I'll speak for you, you know, here to say that's the piece that makes you nervous, that's the piece that makes me nervous.
Speaker 2
Absolutely. Yeah.
Speaker 1
So it's
Speaker 2
not as, like,
Speaker 1
cut and dry as, like, I'll just get fluids. It's having to prepare for, potentially a really, challenging situation.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And no you know, because I hadn't seen any knowing that I was gonna have to answer all these questions and, and just, you know, also knowing that in that moment, I was in a super vulnerable place that I knew it would be really easy for me to cave in to things because I felt like I was dying. And it was it was just it was truly the worst I've ever felt. And, so, you know And it's scary. And scary. And, you know, and but I actually remember, like, a a part of me deep down that was not worried about the baby at all, but I was worried about myself because I was like, I'm not okay right now.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Like, I need something. Like, the I am this is not normal. Like, I definitely need help. Right. But I never I never felt worried about the baby. But, so we get we we went we had went to the hospital, and, at the time, I had Kaiser insurance. I had to go to Kaiser, and we just moved. So I was it was, like, a twenty five minute drive even at nighttime to the one that I decided to go to.
Speaker 1
Did you go to sunset?
Speaker 2
No. I didn't wanna go to sunset. Really? Where'd you go? Panorama City because I well, because I knew that sunset was gonna be insanely crowded, and I didn't wanna wait. And I didn't and I just was like and I had actually also because I had a student, a yoga student, who had hyperemesis, at the time whose husband worked at Panorama City, and she told me she would go there and just get fluids, and they didn't give her any trouble. So I was like, okay. I'm gonna try that because she said, like she was like, you should just just go there. But, you know, some details, they knew her there, so that's why it was easy for her to just get fluids and not to deal with all this stuff. They didn't know me. So we've we get there finally after I pooped, like, ten times in the car, and I'm, like, crying at this point, like, shaking, just barely able to walk because it just hurt so bad. But the emergency room was nearly empty, so that was nice. And, you know, I don't know, walked in, and I I did tell them I told them I was pregnant because I was like, they'll see me faster. And they did, and they brought me in pretty quickly. And and the people at the front were really nice, and they brought me in in a wheelchair. And I was like, hell, yeah. I'll sit in that wheelchair because I was starting to, like, black out a little bit. And so I was just I was very much in a, like, yes, please take care of me mode. Like, I really need help and felt good that I about that choice. Like, I felt good that I was there.
Speaker 1
Right. But this is this is the whole thing. Right? You were sick.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I was sick. It wasn't
Speaker 1
it wasn't you, like, in this perfectly normal, healthy state state of labor, blah blah blah, like Yeah. I needed help. You were near passing out from puking, like, that's a yeah. Like, this I'm so glad you win. Okay. So you're in the wheelchair.
Speaker 2
To take me back, and then they take me to a bed, and and I just sat in there, you know, asking I think the nurses, they're asking, like, what's going on and what do you need? And I was like, I need fluids. I I know that's what I need. I'm dehydrated. I was traveling yesterday. I was on a plane. I'm probably extra dehydrated. I've been puking. I don't know. I I don't probably didn't say it all that clearly. But, and they're like, okay. And then the doctor comes in, her a doctor comes in. He immediately puts a mask on my face without asking. He just puts it on, and he was like, it's flu season. You're pregnant. You need to wear this mask. And I'm just like, Ling and so instantly that happens, and I immediately feel just helpless. Like, I can't I don't know. And, he had a very strong energy, like, very just swept in. And, I don't and then he just start he started palpating. So he started touching me very hard where I said ouch, which I palpate every day. Like, I'm I get in there and I, like, seal it. And I at this point, I didn't
Speaker 1
feel it in my body.
Speaker 2
And so and I so I know, like, you can you can get in there and it doesn't hurt, but it's the fact that he made me hurt was, like, he was really aggressive with it. Like, just really pushing and, yeah. So I did not like that. And I said, please stop. That hurts. And then he just said he just started saying, like, ordering a blood panel, which were, like, fine. Whatever. I'll do that, I guess. Like, I don't know. I don't even remember him saying that, but I remember him saying, and we have to do an ultrasound. And we're like, wait. Wait. Wait. No. No. No. Like, we don't need an ultrasound. And he it was like he wanted to do that before giving me fluids. And I said, I just want fluids. Like, I need fluids right now. I need that. And so I was refusing the ultrasound. And he he
Speaker 1
just oh,
Speaker 2
he just immediately started blubbering. Like, he was just like, why wouldn't you want through ultrasound? He's like, I could lose my license. If you don't do an ultrasound, I could lose my medical license. And he kept saying, I could lose my license. And we were like, how? Does it make any sense? I again, I'm I'm I'm, like, puking while these conversations are happening.
Speaker 1
Oh, my God. Also, you know, and I know you know this and, of course, you couldn't, like, relay this in the moment because you're freaking sick, but also, a, he's supposed to lose his license for not operating under informed motherfucking consent. Yeah. Exactly. Yes.
Speaker 2
But and so I I I remember crying and saying, whatever. Do whatever you have to do. I just want fluids. And thankfully, Jacob was like, no. He's like, we're not doing ultrasound. I don't remember how he put it, but he was very firm, and he was just like, we like, there's no reason for this. And, we don't want this. We want fluids. And he kinda just he said it in a way where eventually then so in addition to saying he was gonna lose his license, he kept being like like, this is so confusing. Like, why didn't you want them? They're safe. Just arguing with us, but not actually listening to us. Didn't actually want to hear what we had to say. So he didn't actually give us space to say, like, why we didn't want it. So I don't feel like we even got to say that. But so finally, Jacob gets firm, and he just says, whatever. I'm uncomfortable. I'm leaving, and just walked out. And we're like, okay. Great. You're uncomfortable? Like, I'm puking blood. You just poked me really hard. Like, I I am crying. Like
Speaker 1
I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2
I'm so sorry that you're uncomfortable, sir. Like but so you walked out. Jacob's pretty angry. Like, he's just he was like, what is that doctor's name? Like, I need his name. And but the nurse and there was this nurse and there was someone else in there, and you could tell the whole time, I could feel their energy, like, watching this doctor, and they're just like, woah. Like, why is this doctor so he was really out of line. Like, he just there was no need for him to react so aggressively.
Speaker 1
Girlfriend, I mean, I've seen I've seen so many doctors do that. Like, I saw one time. I saw him, when a when a mom asked him rape victim, by the way, asked him to remove his hands out of her vagina.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
He took his gloves off and threw them at her and left the room. Like a fucking man baby, abusive man baby. So, yes, of course out of the hospital. But, you know, the reality is even if you did report him, it it
Speaker 2
Well, yeah. Exactly. And I I mean, and I've seen this before too. And we had really good conversations afterwards where I was just like I was like, now you know. Like, I've told you these stories. Not that not that he didn't know.
Speaker 1
I mean, he totally did.
Speaker 2
He was like, I didn't need to experience that to believe you. But but it was it was really, yeah, and I think it was it was good for him to see that and, like, for I and I felt really grateful that I was, like, you know, you helped me. Like, he he was able to to stand our ground and, and yeah. So but the the nurse was super nice. Like, she was really nice to me, and she was like, let's get the fluids in me right away. So thankfully, after that doctor left, he never returned, because we made him so uncomfortable by by saying no to something.
Speaker 1
How dare you.
Speaker 2
That, like, is truly completely unnecessary for that such I mean, for a lot of reasons, but, anyways, it's like like, why why do you need to do an ultrasound when clearly I'm dehydrated? I that doesn't make sense. So not gonna tell you. Because the ultrasound is
Speaker 1
the god. You know? It's the central symbol of the technocratic model. Like, they she he can't even see you. He doesn't actually even know how to assess you without seeing your fetus on a screen. That we that, by the way, we know gives us almost no information.
Speaker 2
Exactly.
Speaker 1
So fundamentally, ingrained, and yet it's only rooted in, like, the symbology of it. It's not even an actual tool. And and regardless of which, you know, you didn't fucking want it.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And I didn't want it. And yeah. So so finally, like, they get the fluids in me, and I I start to feel better pretty quickly. They did two bags, two boluses, which by the end, I was, like, chatting and definitely felt so much better. It was it was amazing. I was like, wow. I feel like I'm actually hydrated for the first time in, like, sixteen weeks. Wow.
Speaker 1
I'm so glad.
Speaker 2
So that and I and I took a nap. I, like, fell asleep. We were there for a couple hours because we had to wait for, like, the blood panel thing. I don't know. And since the the doctor never came back, but he did he would, like, send messages. Like, he'd like, he'd be like, he wants you to drink this potassium, because he says your potassium is too low. And I was like, yeah. Of course it is. I'm dehydrated. But I'm like, sure. Whatever. I'll drink it. And the nurse was like she was great. She was like, are you sure you want to? Like, it's pretty terrible. And I I drank it, and I immediately puked it up. Yeah. Of course you did. And she and she's like, let's just say that it got in you. I'm like, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1
But, you know, this is such a good point because you you know, you know, just as much as I do about what goes on in the hospitals and and how hard it is to speak up and, you know, the need to, or the the the, idealized, you know, concept of needing to defend yourself. And and then here you are, you know, on the one hand, a part of my brain is going, you know, why why didn't you ask for, you know, the hospital advocate and, you know, blah blah blah. It's like, why the fuck would you have done that? You're like Yeah. Of a really hard experience and you're vulnerable. You're trying to just baseline replenish yourself. Yeah. And it's just it's obviously so mirroring or reflective of of, you know, this concept. Like everyone, we see it online all the time. Like, oh, you just speak up for what you want. You can decline anything. You can blah blah blah, like, you totally have the right to. And it's like, go fuck yourself.
Speaker 2
It's not yeah.
Speaker 1
The thing about how this is gonna go, you cannot defend yourself in the middle of a deeply vulnerable, space. You know?
Speaker 2
Yeah. I mean, that's that's the thing. Like, when when you're, like, crying because you're in pain, that's not when, like, even even my years of, like, considering myself a birth advocate, like, I I couldn't do that in that moment. And, you know, I because I I needed help. But yeah, so so in the end, I that experience at the doctor was shitty, but the rest of it was relatively pleasant because I felt a lot better from the fluids. The nurse was super nice to us, and we liked her. And, and they did end up doing a blood panel, which I was kinda like, alright. Cool. Well, I'll see all these results, and I'll, like, I guess, I'll it was interesting
Speaker 1
to see, like, what
Speaker 2
I wasn't I hadn't planned on doing that, but they did a full blood panel. One major silver lining is they did a pregnancy test, so I now have that proof of pregnancy on my medical record, which was the thing that I had been, like, thinking about what I was gonna use for that. So I was like, cool. Thanks for the proof of pregnancy. Totally. Peace out. I'm not coming back. And so we left, and it was basically morning by that point, and then we slept for a while. And then that was a real turning point for me. I mean, it wasn't like suddenly I was better, but I realized, like, oh, hydration. Like, that's something I need to be focusing on. So suddenly, I shifted from focusing on eating all the time to drinking all the time, and I started drinking things with electrolytes and, only flat things, not bubbly, just, like, getting we we found some different kinds of, like, hydration solutions and, things that we felt comfortable or that I felt fine putting in my body. It was mostly, like, with magnesium and potassium and things like that. So I started to really focus on just, like, drinking water all the time. And, like, when I woke up, don't get out of bed till you drink that whole glass. When in the middle of the night, if I woke up to pee, drink that glass. Like, it was just all the time. And that really started to be when I started to feel a little bit, like, the puking at least started to get better. And then I even would have I think after the hospital, I had, like, five days in a row or something like that where I didn't throw up at all, which was insane. Like, that had not happened since I started
Speaker 1
I thought I would live at the hospital with a lock in my arm. Well, that's
Speaker 2
I I mean, we started looking into it. I was like, how can I get more, like, how can I get this again? Like, this was amazing. I was making a lot of jokes, like, can you just, like, go to nursing school and learn, like, this part and then steal all the supplies and like, how do we do this? And I I guess I probably could have found a midwife to help me with that. But I just I you know, and I kinda talked about doing that, but I didn't. I just ended up not doing it. And we we called, like, IV services, like, we're like, to see if we could do that, but they were all like, we won't help a pregnant person. And I was like, well, I could lie. But I definitely had I think because of my digestive issues, I was showing very early, and because I was I think it was bloat more than anything. But I definitely had, like, a bump that was I could hide it in baggy things, but, totally, I I could wear big things. Pause right
Speaker 1
there. We won't help a pregnant person. Yeah. Like, it's just
Speaker 2
so Liability. So
Speaker 1
fucked up.
Speaker 2
Yeah. So I just kinda I don't know. I was like, well, these hydration things I'm drink we found something that was called, like, IV in a bag that was basically, like I don't know, like, the saline, whatever, but you put it in your drink. And so I did that, and that helped. So I was just I was just like but, yeah, it definitely made me be like, I just want fluids all the time because it Yeah. Really.
Speaker 1
Around with that IV towel.
Speaker 2
Really felt good. But yeah. So that was a big it was a big turning point for a lot of reasons. Like, started to feel better. Like I said, it was good for us to have that experience because,
Speaker 1
well, I
Speaker 2
don't know if it was good, but it but it was helpful in our conversations. And there was no doubt in our minds about how we were doing this, but but that, if anything, solidified a little like, we are definitely not going to the hospital unless it's a true emergency, in which case we know, like, we went to the hospital because it was an emergency or felt very necessary, and we survived, and it was okay. And so if there's a true emergency and we need to do it, we'll do it, but, like Obviously. Yeah. We don't yeah. Of course. Like, no question. But That's
Speaker 1
the thing. Right? Is it has to be worth some unknown amount of abuse. Yeah. It's such a, like, it it's such a impossible, you know, calculation that that we have to make.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Of course. But yeah. It it just, and, again, because I always had the sense, like, I knew that the baby was okay, and so and I was still, like, my belly's growing, and I am progressing, and things are happening. Give it more signs where I'm just like, yeah. Baby's fine. I'm again, try I just trust myself more than anyone else, which is what everything comes down to for me. But so I start to feel better. Around week twenty, my nausea really starts to let up, and I start having just, like, just better days in general. I started feeling like I wanted to move a little more, so I was going to yoga sometimes, walking sometimes, taking it, like, easy, but but it's, like, definitely starting to look like, oh, I'm I'm beginning to be more like myself.
Speaker 1
Oh, good.
Speaker 2
I'm having a little more joy in my life again, like and getting to be social a little bit. That was really huge. I started, like, around Halloween. I think I went to like, my friend, had a birthday party, and I went to that. And I made it the whole time feeling, like, okay, and I was talking to people. And, that was a those were big turning points. Like, just being like, well, I'm doing a social thing. Like, I left my house and I'm not getting paid. And and I feel okay, and I, like, made it through. So that was great. So that was starting to happen, and then I started to feel the baby moving. The first time that I really felt like what I felt like was a kick I mean, I was feeling like I'd feel like pressure and it would kinda shift and it would correlate when I palpate with, like, that's the firm part or now it's over here and I can. So to me, I felt them moving earlier because I was aware of their movements, but it wasn't, like, kicks the way that I feel now. Around twenty one weeks or something, I was at a yoga class, and I was in Shavasana. Aw. And I was laying down. Of course, that's what happened. I've had so many students over the years tell me they first felt their first kick in Shavasana in my prenatal class. So, of course, I was in a prenatal class, and I had my hand in my belly, and I felt just a, like, unmistakable, like, under my hand. And I was like, that was the baby.
Speaker 1
Oh. And it
Speaker 2
was amazing. And that, you know, that moment and a lot of moments like that was just like, this is why I'm doing this, like, because there's a baby in me. And I that just was amazing. It's such a weird feeling. Like, I I love being kicked. Like, I love feeling my baby move. It's just
Speaker 1
Of course.
Speaker 2
One of the greatest things I've ever felt in my life, and it's so hard to explain. And my baby is a mover, and they move in a lot of different ways. Sometimes they feel like a fish swimming. Sometimes they're kicky. Sometimes there's they're pokey.
Speaker 1
Well, it's so
Speaker 2
it's so It's really fun.
Speaker 1
It's, like, reassuring and mysterious. You know? Yeah. It's so loaded to feel our babies move. It's just, like Yeah.
Speaker 2
So big. And definitely reassuring. So, you know, there is so much unknown in this process and, I like, we yeah. Just I I was always just going in this feeling of, like and it still continue to, like, in my bones. Like, I I know they're okay. But that's not to say I didn't have moments of of doubt or and still do where I just, like, I'll have just, like, a moment where I'm like, what if they're not okay? Or, you know, like, that I think that's such a normal part of this process. And where I feel like people get so dependent on, you know, the ultrasound and the technology to feel like it's confirmation that their baby is okay, but I know logically that that's all an illusion and it doesn't actually tell you anything, any more than, you know well, I mean, the feeling in my bones is more accurate, I would argue. And so really just learning how to deeply surrender myself to the unknown, to the the truth that I can only know what I know, and it's very little, and I'm not meant to know more than that, and nobody is meant to know more than that. And that is really just a part of this process, and and it is what it is life. Like, it is life. It is death. It is all of it. It's just unknown, and it's just mystery. And when I
Speaker 1
The term that comes up for me a lot is allying to the universe.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. I like that. So I I started working with this imagery when I would feel any kind of anxiety or anything. I would imagine myself just falling back into, like, the softest pillows in the world or water or clouds that are actually fluffy like, not real clouds, but, like, clouds that are like cotton. Something that would catch me, and I would and I would just it was like for me, it's this this, falling back to my spirituality or knowing that I know there's something bigger that I trust in even if I don't necessarily have the words for it, but it's, like, just this. I know it. So that's like I would imagine myself just falling into that and being caught and deepening my breath and just, like, I letting go of, like, I can't control this thing that that I'm worrying about. So I started practicing that in my head at a lot of moments. You know, just moments when I felt uncertainty. I also struggled a lot in this trimester with body image things, which I've posted about some on my Instagram.
Speaker 1
If Yeah. I saw you post something about don't I'm not quoting you here, but something like don't well, okay. What actually happened for me was I saw you post a kind of one of the first pictures I noticed of your big belly, Beautiful belly and, my first comment was that belly. And that's what I was celebrating and then I read your caption and it was like some adult comment on my belly or the size of it and I was
Speaker 2
like, oh, fuck. And I went and deleted
Speaker 1
It was like You did? Yeah. You did. Well, I wouldn't have not to do it.
Speaker 2
I don't think I would have been offended by it. I feel like I know the way you mean it. Okay. I I just like like I said, I showed really early and, I
Speaker 1
Which isn't surprising for your frame too, you know, because you're pretty small or
Speaker 2
or I'm small, and I have long limbs, and I have a short torso. Mhmm. And, but I just started to get really self conscious of it, and I think it's well, it's not silly. I'm partly because when people would in my life who knew that, I have not doing ultrasounds or anything, that everyone started, like, harassing me about it being twins. Oh, my god. Everyone is like like, well, you're you're showing pretty early. Like, are you sure it's not twins? And I not that twins would be the worst thing, but it is, like, kind of a a fear of mine or just in that, like, it it's something that I'm not so familiar with. I've never seen a vaginal twin birth. I've not like, I and it's just something that makes me feel, like, a little less confident in free birthing. I don't know. I I'm just like, well, I don't know. If it's two babies, I'm not sure what I would do. It's another
Speaker 1
thing to contend with. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And it's one of you know, I've been doing your free birth course and, like, that was in the thing about writing down your fears. Like, that was one of them. Mhmm. And so I think that my body image stuff was kind of wrapped in I like, I just was feeling like, oh, I'm big and, like, what if it's twins? But, again, in my bones, I know, like, no. It's not. It's one baby, and I palpate so much that I feel, like, pretty certain that just from what I'm feeling, I feel one baby.
Speaker 1
Pretty much. All free birthers or or women who have had autonomous pregnancies, I think it's extremely normal to experience, I mean, you know, I I convinced myself that I was pregnant with twins for, like, two hours one time, I remember halfway through. I mean, I was convinced for a couple hours and I've lost my shit, man. Came back down. But but, yeah, I think it's extremely you know, because how could we not? Like, the whole point of, or not the whole point. I mean, for me, it was. I think for you, it is. One one of the biggest points or or things that happens with the autonomous pregnancy is to navigate all of this.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I'm like, okay. Exactly.
Speaker 1
You know, I don't know anything. And yet, here I am also knowing, you know, like you said, deep in your okay. So yeah. That's
Speaker 2
That was an example of a time where if I'd start to spin out of, like, what if it's two babies? Where I would picture myself, you know, falling into a soft thing catching me because it would be like, well, if it is, then I'll deal with it when I know that Clouds are For sure.
Speaker 1
The clouds are catching you in your triplets. It's like, we'll just we'll figure it out. Oh, man.
Speaker 2
That's and and because it was like, well, what's the point of me losing my mind over this? It's not gonna do. But so I I did get really defensive about people making comments about my size, because also I just and beyond the twins thing, I also just the normal body image stuff of of, like, your body's changing so fast. It's really quite fast, like, how it happens and just, a part of it is so joyful. Like, I loved every morning. I still do this. I I always touch my belly first thing. And it kind of, for me, is, like, I am, like, feeling just the growth and remembering, like, I can bring myself back to remembering, like, the size of it when I was seven weeks pregnant. You know, just like and and it's all my way of, like, hi, baby. You're really growing, like, connecting. And so I love that part. But then I'd get out of bed and I'd look in the mirror or I would, like, put on my clothes and, you know, slowly shirts are not fitting anymore and all the pants are having to be, like, put in the garage. And, that stuff happening is like, shit. My body is changing, and, like, I don't necessarily like how it looks or feel you know, feeling or I'd look at pictures of myself and be like, that's me? Like, I don't recognize that woman or and so those feelings were very tender and and, again, just the vulnerability of this experience, like, it talks about how vulnerable I was in the hospital, but I would say overall throughout being pregnant, I feel vulnerable. Like, I'm it's just a very, vulnerable sensitive time in so many ways. And the, yeah, the body image things from you, it was just another way that I was just feeling really tender. And, anytime anyone would say something even if it was well meaning, I just, you know, kinda took it like it didn't feel good to hear.
Speaker 1
Well, I mean, yes, of course. I so hear you and relate to that and and, you know, this all in my mind always goes back to, of course, patriarchy and this concept that mothers or let's say pregnant women, same thing, but pregnant women, that's like the start of, a new layer of being public property. You know? Yeah. It's something that as girls, you know, all the time, you know, you show up somewhere and someone hasn't seen you in a while, it is extremely common for them to comment on how you look. Right? It's I mean, I guess not as much if you've gained weight, but if you've lost weight. Any sense. Oh, yeah. You know, oh, you're so little. You know, all this, like, weird girl shit that patriarchy has us doing. Yeah. And commenting on how you look, and then all of a sudden you get pregnant, your body's changing, you're navigating just the the the weirdness, for lack of a better word, just the oddness of this weirdness and changing. And then, of course, right, the first thing that people do is gonna is and and then we pair we add in that most people are fucking ignorant and and super, insensitive to the the the vulnerability of pregnancy. And so commenting on your body, you know, anything shy of you look beautiful, you know, you you you are just radiant, you know, anything shy of that, just
Speaker 2
I don't wanna hear it. Yeah. That's that's basically where I'm at now. I'm like, unless you're telling me how beautiful I look, please don't that and that's I think when I posted that, like, please don't comment, and that's really what I'm saying is, like, I don't want you to tell me that I look big or, you know, like, when is that, like, a compliment? I don't
Speaker 1
want anybody to tell that they look big. You know? I mean, why are we not you know, I guess the point I'm making here is if someone if a if a girlfriend of mine that I haven't seen in five years shows up and I see her and she's clearly gained fifty pounds, I would never in a million years comment on that. Why is it any different, you know, that that when a woman shows up and she's now has a belly because of a baby, you know, why is there anything shy of, you know, turning it around and say, how do you feel?
Speaker 2
Yeah. What a what a No one ever asks that and that's, like, all I want them to
Speaker 1
ask me. Of course it is. If preg you know, pregnant or not pregnant.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Just in general.
Speaker 1
You mean that you would just like some basic human respect? Just, you know, coming to get a little bit of decency here.
Speaker 2
And now Yeah.
Speaker 1
And then on layered on that, we are already growing up with body images, you know, body image issues and and, you know, all of the stuff that's just vomited onto us as little girls and as as, you know, young women, it just exactly like you said, it's just such a vulnerable time already, independent of all of that. It's
Speaker 2
such a bigger
Speaker 1
time, independent of all of that. You know, shifting from the maiden to the mother, you know, there I wouldn't say there's any, like, one point as a as a what's the right word? You know, it's different for everybody of when that shift starts to happen. For some Yeah. It's before they're even pregnant. And for some, you know, maybe it happens in pregnancy and for some, they may even say it happens after pregnancy. But pregnancy is is kind of undoubtedly a huge part of that transition, you know, giving, you know, giving our bodies over to this experience, and becoming visibly pregnant in society. And like you said, your clothes shifting, and it is just so trippy and so tender.
Speaker 2
So very tender. So there's all of that feeling. And then on the other hand, there's the little piece of, like, well, also people are suddenly really nice to me. Like, I I remember, like you. Yeah. I remember, like, it was it happened, like, overnight where suddenly it was, like, oh, now I definitely look pregnant because everybody's smiling at me, and people are holding doors. And anytime I go to the grocery store, they ask if I want help to my car even when it's one bag, which is I it they I it's well intended, so I'm just like I'm like, thank you. But, like, no. I can carry this one bag.
Speaker 1
You're weak now. You could possibly. Yeah.
Speaker 2
But, getting a lot in well, this is kinda annoying, but the biggest question everybody is just like, boy or girl. Is it a boy or a girl? Or when people ask me, like, what are you having? And I'm just like, a human, I hope. But, yeah, lots of business. And I and I have, like, kind of also come to terms with, like, I understand that people and and some this is how I see it. I think in some level, it's like, you look at a pregnant woman and you're just, like, wow. That is, like, the miracle of life walking by. And, people wanna be, like, a part of it, and they and they wanna, like, appreciate it, but just it's a little misguided, like, the way that it comes out. Again, it just it comes out in commenting on size or asking about the sex of your baby, and I think because that's all we really know what
Speaker 1
to say. I think that we're getting into kind of the the interesting, like, meat of this, which is that I I believe, and I'm sure you do too, that humans are intrinsically obsessed and enamored and and Yeah. And just it's it's so mystical. A pregnant woman is like the epitome of mysticism in our lives. Absolutely. And so we you know, patriarchy can't take that away. Like, that is in our bones. It is a fascinating thing at all stages. You know, every age is fascinated with a big full belly, you know, full Yeah. Unknown mysterious life. And and yet, like you said, we are in a society that no one knows how to organize around that, no one knows how to just be in a respectful celebratory space, because we don't know how to treat women. Right? And we certainly don't know how to treat mothers. And so it comes off super awkward and super weird. I mean, how every woman who's ever been pregnant has at least a hundred stories, you know, like you do.
Speaker 2
Yep. Of of just them saying
Speaker 1
the wrong thing. And, you know, I remember one day in the same day, I was asked I was told in the same day that I looked ready to pop, and a different person asked if I was having twins, and a different person, said, oh, you're you're hardly showing. Are you only in your first trimester? And I was like, literally, y'all are stupid. Oh, no. That's so crazy. It's like comp compulsion to comment.
Speaker 2
Yeah. The the ready to pop thing is funny. I got that for the first time about a week or two ago.
Speaker 1
Oh.
Speaker 2
Or some or she was just like, oh, you look like you're ready any day now. And I I just kind of smiled and politely nodded, like, yep. Mhmm. And in my head, I'm like, I got three more months to go. Like but I just I you know, I've sort of learned to just, like I said, I I do understand. I think it's coming from this place of of really being enamored and appreciative and, just yeah. Like, it it's the celebration of life, but yet we don't know how to Well, it's
Speaker 1
it's lacking. It's that without respect.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Without respect. And that is
Speaker 1
not okay, everybody.
Speaker 2
It's not. But I so my way of coping, it has kinda just been to build walls a little bit and just sort of, you know, politely be like, okay. Thanks, and walk away. And also with the, you know, sometimes get questions or people just making comments about, like, oh, your doctor or whatever. And I I when I was newly pregnant in the first trimester, I felt a little more like I would tell people, like, oh, I'm having a free birth, and then everyone is asking what that means. And once I actually started to show, I was like, fuck this. This is too much work to try to explain to people, so I just I'll just go along with whatever. You should just wear
Speaker 1
you should just wear a shirt with my website on it. Yeah. That's a good idea. Go over there, guys.
Speaker 2
And I you know, I've stopped mentioning that I'm not doing ultra I just don't really tell people anything anymore because, like, why? I don't need to. And it and it just stirs up conversation that I don't really wanna have. And, again, I'm, like, I'm vulnerable, and this is, like, I'm building my boundaries, which I kind of expected I would feel this way anyways. So so I'm not feeling super public about it.
Speaker 1
I think that's so normal, and I hear that from from so many women, you know, that that the beginning is all about, like, kind of the you know, but I think it's kinda beautiful because in a way, the beginning is about claiming it, you know? Yeah. And and expressing it, and and before you're showing, this is another way to show. Right? Yeah. Totally. You know, like, state claim to these choices. And you also haven't been, for lack of a better term, like, beaten down by the pregnancy.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. That's true.
Speaker 1
And and then you start to feel the tenderness and the vulnerability and the shifting in your body. And it's like, you got your own shit going on.
Speaker 2
Like, you don't
Speaker 1
have, and by you, I mean anyone, like, you know. And if you're pregnant and you're listening to this, like, please, please do not feel like you owe anyone anything. And that's a key statement, you know, to sit with. And and, you know, if you are pregnant and you're resonating with this conversation, like, give yourself and your baby and your nervous system the gift of just saying, I don't wanna talk about it. You know, in whatever way, whether that's a nod in a smile or whether that's, you know, not going somewhere that you know everyone's gonna ask you. Like, whatever those injuries look like for you, you know, please give yourself permission to actualize that because like Kim's pointing out, this is hard intense spiritual work without the bombardment of having to answer to everybody.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And I think I'm I'm very lucky in that I mostly am just talking about strangers, but I know a lot of people have, you know, family members who are asking a lot of questions that are not supportive or friends. And in in my life and maybe it's because of my work as a doula. I think for some reason I think I talked about this in the last episode. For some reason, everyone in my family, like, that's, like, enough for that. They're like, oh, Kim knows what she's doing. Like, we trust her. So and I'm I'm very lucky and, you know, everyone's very supportive, and I really have had felt nothing but support from both sides of my family. I don't think they fully understand Sure. Why I'm doing this or or what it means maybe, but they but they don't really need to, and they, you know, they, like, trust us. And so, I'm very grateful for that. But just for anyone who is listening and and who is maybe, you know, dealing with it with people in their life daily, I mean, like, I believe I give yourself the permission to just, like, build your walls, you know, and and, you have have to do that. Like, protect yourself. It's it's really, And it's hard because okay and necessary.
Speaker 1
Even though we, as women and pregnant women, are treated like public property, we're not. And you just decide and realize that you're not. You know, it can happen in this exact moment. And so, even if it's the really concerned mother-in-law or the best friend who's already had three kids, you know, or the the, you know, the NICU nurse aunt, you know, like, everybody has those you know, not everybody,
Speaker 2
a lot of people have those
Speaker 1
people in their lives Yeah. Where they the the people genuinely have, gone astray in thinking that they are entitled to your information. And it is a part of patriarchy. It really is. It is a part of, not centering women and not respecting women. And so, you know, these are like little things that you can do and we talk a lot about it in the course around, you know, how to navigate boundaries and Mhmm. And, you know, how to how to hold yourself, in your own self authority. You know, even if it's just a small thing every day, you know, do it, give yourself that, feel what it's like to say, you know, I don't wanna talk about it or to not call somebody back, you know, it's okay. You do not owe anything to anybody and it's magnificent to feel that freedom.
Speaker 2
Yeah. It is. So that's been that has definitely been something that I am feeling now as I'm, you know, moving towards the third trimester. And, I guess you could also call it nesting. And, you know, and that's really, like, what I think that nesting instinct is. It's like it's this drawing inward and, you know, building the walls around you and just, like, preparing your safe space for, for giving birth and then for your postpartum time. So I'm pretty deep in that, and also just physic like, I I had set up my life, basically. So that starting in the new year, which we've just started, and as I'm about to be in my third trimester, I'm working way less. So I I, like, I'm only teaching yoga, so I'm gonna have lots more free time. And I had intentionally planned this out, early on in my pregnancies to to just give myself, lots more space. And so so I'm starting to and it it feels really good. So I'm starting to ease into that where I'm just, like, you know, having a lot of time and a lot of space and and partially because I wanted to I want this last trimester to be about all about me. Like, what do what do like, all about Kim. Like, what does Kim wanna do today? Just as as, you know, my last month as a maiden. So, like, my and just being like, oh, I I just wanna, like, I don't know, go to a place just for the hell of it, and I and not have to carry it all the stuff with me. It's, like, just, you know, the sort of enjoying the freedom of it
Speaker 1
just being
Speaker 2
go to a movie
Speaker 1
right now?
Speaker 2
Yeah. Going to date.
Speaker 1
Out the window, which is fine. Oh, man. Suck it.
Speaker 2
I I went, like, a couple weeks ago to a movie and, in the daytime, which I haven't done in so long, and the baby went crazy in there. Good. The baby was, like, so and I went to a sound bath the other night and for on New Year's Eve, and some of the movements was just it was really interesting and very cool. Whenever anytime I'm still and there's loud noise, they're just, like, really react. They're like, what is
Speaker 1
going on?
Speaker 2
And I love
Speaker 1
that. So, yeah, anything that else you wanna speak to to kinda wrap up this I
Speaker 2
guess semester. The last thing is talking about coming back to that idea of the unknown, which we talked a little bit about recording. I said something like I've I've been romancing the unknown. And I I kinda wanted to just, like, talk about what I mean by that and where I've been, where I'm landing with this, like, idea of mystery in that. I'm actually, like, really enjoying that. So okay. So my pregnancy has been hard. I'm not gonna lie. Like, I've puked I still puke once a week. If I don't eat, that's why I puke. It's it's been and I've been tired and I've gained a lot of weight or more than I thought I would, and that's also the sensitivities, I guess, of body and stuff. I I have this it's challenged me in a lot of physical ways. It's also grounded me incredibly. I am a person normally who's kind of, like, up out there sometimes or can be, and, I feel more physically bound than I've ever felt in my life. And and then in that way, I kind of love that actually. I feel very earthbound and very, like, I have a purpose now. Like, I have this baby that I'm making, and I'm gonna birth, and I'm gonna raise, and so sort of feeling a a renewed sense of purpose in my life. But amidst all that is this unknown, which is not a tangible thing and it's it's just this huge, like, idea of that there's a million things that I can't control, every day, but, it's how can I put this? It's been I found a lot of pleasure in that, like, in just, not knowing things. Yeah. In letting go and and just kind of, like, it it's kind of almost like dreaming, I guess, and that there's just limitless possibilities and for somehow, like, that's really been sort of pleasurable to me. Like, just, in enjoying the this process for what it is and how weird it is and how hard it is sometimes, but also just how beautiful it is that this miracle is happening inside of me. And regardless of what happens and it turns out, like, something's gonna happen. Like, something is gonna come out of me, and and I and I know, like like I said early on, like, it's all just so temporary, and there's just something about that that I guess what it is is it's just really feeling life, like, really feeling alive. I I do feel so alive in a way that I never have before, and it's all the challenges and all the discomforts included. Like, I'm just so in my body, and I'm so I have to be, like, I have to pay when I'm thirsty, when I
Speaker 1
have to pee, when I
Speaker 2
have to eat, like and that's I said this morning to to my husband, like, I feel like my full time job is, like, just taking care of my body, like, because it's always, like, I'm hungry again. Like, oh, I I didn't eat fast enough. I need to I need to drink more water, and that's, like, what I'm basically spending all my time doing. And, but there is something to that that it yeah. Just I don't know if any of this that I'm saying is making sense, but
Speaker 1
Oh, a hundred percent. Philosophizing.
Speaker 2
No. But I'm I
Speaker 1
Thank you.
Speaker 2
I just feel so yeah, I feel very alive. And now when I look at myself in the mirror, I mentioned, like, that it being difficult. It's starting to feel like now I look at myself and I'm like, my breasts are so round and my belly is so round. Like, I showed you my belly, and I was like, I love my belly, and I have this beautiful nia nigra, and I and I my face is, like, flushed all the time. And I am starting to see, like, wow. I I look so bountiful and, like, so beautiful and abundant and, like, I'm so full right now. And I like, because I have this other life that I'm growing, and I also am nurturing and growing my own life and that I feel this all this new sense of purpose and this reason for actually being on earth, which I guess just personally for me, I never felt so confidently. Like, I mean, there's work and there's things that were important to me, but I always had this and it kinda was tied with my depression and this feeling of, like, I don't feel like I really belong on this planet. Like, I wish sometimes that I wasn't here or, like, I I've always said things like that. But throughout my pregnancy, not once have I even thought that thought. It just really hasn't been a feeling that I've had at all. And that to me is I kinda get emotional. I don't know. That's that's such a it's just such a beautiful thing. And I guess in romancing this unknown and and really learning to just that all I have is me, and I I trust myself more than I trust anything else because this this is, like, me, my my soul, my essence, my being, all of what I have is, like, the only thing that I truly have control over, and I trust that more than anything else. And, I don't know. I I also just, like, I trust this baby and and that they've been doing exactly what they're supposed to do, and they're gonna continue to do exactly what they're supposed to do. And that I hope to teach them, you know, to trust themselves more than anything else because that's all we have. And in a way, I feel that choosing this wild pregnancy and this free birth is the ultimate way that I can teach them that and this gift that I can give them because I'm this whole process, I'm just trusting myself and trusting them, and that's all.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
So yeah.
Speaker 1
Cool. I love that so much. Yeah. It's like a it sounds like just a huge return to home and a recreation of what that is and feels like in your body and how just potent that you're experiencing this in your pregnancy, you know, as you become a mother and and before you you know, it is. Pregnancy is very dreamlike. There's really Yeah. Because how how could it be anything but? You're full of dreams, you know, what is this baby going to be like? Is it a boy or girl? Is it, you know, what, what will their name be? What will they look like? How will it feel, you know, to breastfeed them? How will, you know, all of
Speaker 2
them are
Speaker 1
just so full of, just like you said, your body feels full in your spirit, in your heart, I mean, in your mind.
Speaker 2
And it's it's so fun. It's so fun to entertain all those things and
Speaker 1
to dream
Speaker 2
it, and I I'm just so grateful that I don't have anyone putting their fear on me or, you know, that because I am am doing this my way, there's I'm not checking in with anybody. I'm not, like, asking anyone for answers, and so no one is projecting their ideas on me. So it gets to be just purely the experience that it is. And that's, like, that's why I'm pre birthing. You know, it's it's it's, that just feels like so I I'm just very grateful all the time, that I'm on this path. I'm grateful for you as being a huge person who's a part of the reason how I got here and all the people that support me and everything that led me here because it it really truly feels like such a gift of life to Yeah. Get to experience this experience as purely as I can, good and bad and all of the things. But But it's yours. It's mine, and no one else is driving it. And, and that is just yeah. That's the ultimate gift of it to me and the gift that I'm giving my child. And I don't know if they'll ever fully understand that, and that's okay. But but they will, like, in their bones. Totally. They know right now. I think they know. I mean, I do feel very connected to them. Like, I I love that they move so much. And sometimes, like, I'll I'll think I play around with talking, like, thinking to them. Like like, hey. Can you move right now? Because I haven't felt you move in a while. And they will, not always, but sometimes. And I love, like, playing with that just idea of, like, talking to them. And and Jacob has his own connection. Like, he loves the other day. He, like, put his hand on my belly, and he was like, hey, baby. Tap once if you're having a good time. And then he felt like.
Speaker 1
Cute.
Speaker 2
So, like, they talk and That's sweet. The baby kicks him in the head a lot and he loves it. Mhmm. And, you know, and I think also because I've had I'm having this, like, pure experience that's not tainted by, like, anyone telling me I should worry about anything. Jacob is too, and he, you know, and he's getting to really get have his own connection, and and I know he's grateful all the time too that this is what we're doing. And and I'll check-in with him every once in a while, and he's always just like, of course. Like, this is he loves it. And, like and, also, I just this is maybe the last thing I'll share. I've been so I I've asked him, like, do you wanna watch birth videos? I think I showed him the one of Gracie and that you posted on your, Instagram, and and he watched it and it makes me cry. I'm like, this is so beautiful. And he he's kind of looked at me and he's like, I don't wanna watch any more birth videos. And I was like, okay. Why? And he was like, because it feels like it's spoiling it for me, and I don't wanna be spoiled. And I want when I watch you give birth, I want it to be, like, really the first time that. And I first, I was kind of, like, what? That's crazy. Then I was, like, I love that. Like, he's
Speaker 1
But if he's fearless, he doesn't have fear, like No. He's all good. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I kind of love it because, like, so he is a person that hates, like, when there's if we're gonna watch a movie or a TV show, I'm like, let me read the description of what it's about and and, like, I like to, like, read that and he closes his eyes because he doesn't wanna know. And, like, the way that I take that from him is, like, he, like, he loves the mystery of life and, like, and gets so much you know, he just trusts it and he's just, like, I don't need to know. And he's, like, I don't want any spoilers. And he's, like, I just want this experience to be in ours and purest.
Speaker 1
On Virgin.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And and I think that because of that, he's probably gonna be a wonderful support person because he's
Speaker 1
he will be.
Speaker 2
He's gonna have no, like, you know and so I I love that he's not, like and he he's gonna, like, do watch some things in the free birth course, but it's not like he's totally doesn't want any information, but he also doesn't course. He also doesn't feel like he needs it. And I know that comes from this place of just him trusting me and trusting the process. And
Speaker 1
Yeah. That's super nice.
Speaker 2
I so I just I kinda make fun of him. I joke, like like, you don't want any spoilers because sometimes I'll say something about birth and I'm like, I'm not gonna tell you that because that's gonna spoil it for you.
Speaker 1
So, yeah, next next time, let's, let's focus on, well, of course, we'll do a little third trimester wrap up, but then I would love to just kind of talk about, yeah, what it feels like to be on the brink of your labor land. And, I have some, like, kind of practical questions that I'd I'd be curious what you guys or what you have to say, just, you know, how you and navigating the what if, and what is your what is your, like, agreements with Jacob or your team around, you know, around keeping it safe. And, and I'd love for if you wanted to to speak your birth dream Yeah. That would be nice. And and yeah. And then we'll just kinda think on what else, but that'll probably fill the whole episode. Sounds good. Beautiful. I love it. Thank you so much. So nice
Speaker 2
to
Speaker 1
tune in with you and see you on mostly the other side of that.
Speaker 2
It's my pleasure. This is fun for me to do, to give and to listen back to maybe someday.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Exactly. A little time capsule. Well, I'm super I'm super proud of you.
Speaker 2
Thank you.
Speaker 1
I love you, girl. I love you. That's it for today, everyone. Join us next week for another episode of the free birth podcast. Thanks for joining us, and remember, your body, your choice. Lots of love.
