Speaker 0
Welcome to the Free Birth Podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning, exploring, and celebrating their autonomous choices in child childbirth. Together, we'll unpack truths, share personal stories, and claim our ability to birth freely and intuitively. Here's your host, Emily
Speaker 1
Saldea. Are you craving a community of like minded women? Do you feel like an outsider in your family or your community? Well, I may have the place for you. We have a Freebird Society private online community that's full of radical and wild women just like you. If you resonate with the topics that we explore on this podcast and wanna belong in a circle of women who support each other in the self exploration of free birth and wild mothering, come join us. You can apply online at our website, free birth society dot com. It's where myself and my team are hanging out these days, and we would love to get to know you. This is the third episode of our four part series with Kim tracking her wild pregnancy and upcoming free birth. We tune in with Kim at the tail end of her pregnancy to wrap up her third trimester before she heads into her impending labor. She tells us about her final weeks of dealing with HG, the fears and tests that are new to these final months, and her journey with the doppler. Lastly, Kim tells us her birth vision of her upcoming free birth. Okay, my friend. So at the time of this recording, we are at thirty eight weeks.
Speaker 2
Yep. Almost thirty nine. Yeah. Okay.
Speaker 1
And how are you feeling? Take us take us, you know, of course, tell us how you're feeling now and then also take us into, almost like a like a wrap up of what Yeah. Last couple weeks ago.
Speaker 2
Third trimester. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm feeling very pregnant. A lot of the classic pregnancy things are happening. Like, by eight PM, I'm kind of just, like, done being a human. My body feels broken by the end of the day. But I have a lot of, like, nesting energy right now. I'm doing a lot of, I've been doing a lot of cooking and freezing stuff, made pansicles, making, like, electrolyte beverages for myself, a lot just, you know, cleaning things. I had a day where I was like, I need to reorganize the spice rack. Just a lot of that kind of stuff. Yeah. It feels good. And normal aches and pains, like, I can feel baby getting lower, feeling pressure, back hurts. I'm still puking about once a week. Wow. That just has not got away.
Speaker 1
That was about about where it was in the last episode.
Speaker 2
Uh-huh. And in the beginning of the third trimester, it actually I think I puked a little bit more. Like, it was, like, twice a week. I had a couple weeks where it got bad again and I had more nausea, and I was like, oh, no. Because I've heard a lot of stories of women with with HG, getting worse in the third trimester and then, like, the third trimester being bad. But thankfully, it it was just a little bit worse and then it got better. Wow. But but yeah. Still, that's still a thing. I'd I, like, just two weeks ago, was sitting in my car, like, eating at at after the grocery store because it for me, it's like if my stomach growls, that's like it's too late. I'm probably gonna throw up. But I I try to prevent it, so I had a moment where I was just, like, eating after grocery shopping and then just, like, immediately threw up. And thankfully, I still have plastic bags in my car and I was just, like, sit sitting there. It was during lunchtime. The person next to me was eating their lunch in their car, and I was like, I hope they don't look over. So I feel really bad. So I'm just vomiting. But I it's it those kinds of moments are honestly kind of funny to me right now, like, this many months in where I just am like, well, this is just my life. Like, I It's
Speaker 1
your reality. Like, you don't
Speaker 2
have to go grocery store like what. And, and it sucks, but it's also like, well, I guess I have a new sense of what I am capable of handling. Totally. So so, yeah, that's that's a fun thing I'm still dealing with. But
Speaker 1
Oh, it's gonna feel so good to not be pregnant and just I
Speaker 2
know.
Speaker 1
Be normal again.
Speaker 2
I a part of me, like, can't believe that. Like, I still am like, I'm just gonna puke forever, and I'm gonna be pregnant forever, and my body's gonna feel weird forever. Even though I I know, you know, in my head that's not true, but I'm pretty excited for that feeling of, like, my stomach feeling normal again. But, yeah, overall, still feeling good and I'm walking every day. That's kind of the only exercise that feels good now, but but it feels good to walk and just kinda hanging and waiting. And the third trimester, like I said, I've still puked, but, beyond that has been maybe the most fun trimester, in that a lot of the body image stuff I talked about in the last episode, a lot of that kind of passed and that wasn't really an issue for me anymore and I started to really just kind of like embrace and love what my body looked like and took a lot more, like, nudes of myself. And, I got really into, making masturbation a regular part of my, like, self care and practice that I hadn't been doing as much. I bought myself a fancy new vibrator that I
Speaker 1
Hey.
Speaker 2
Could I can use during labor if I want to. That was, like, my my plan. I was like, oh, maybe I'll use this during labor and made sure it was waterproof. Actually, like, when I was buying it, the, the guy said something about me being pregnant. And I was like I was like, yeah. I'm buying this vibrator to use during labor. And he's like, you know, I have worked in a sex shop for twenty years, and I've never heard that one before. And he's like, that makes sense. People should do that. I was like, totally. So I'm hoping maybe he'll pass that on to another Oh my god. Woman. Just pass that on.
Speaker 1
I don't need him saying that.
Speaker 2
Guess that'd be a little creepy. I just got, like, the funniest
Speaker 1
I just got the funniest little, like, image of of your, you know, you're, like, in your water tub, and you're in labor, and and your darling husband, like, comes over with the vibrator and is like, honey, is now a good time to try it?
Speaker 2
And you'll be like, get the fuck away.
Speaker 1
Like, I mean, I,
Speaker 2
in my labor,
Speaker 1
you know, I I I have this really cute memory of Johnny, you know, my labor went on for a while and I have this cute memory of of Johnny coming up to me and being like, you know, if if you need anything, like, I could give you an orgasm. And and at that point, like, that was the most repelling
Speaker 2
idea. Yeah. I've heard that.
Speaker 1
Like, I like the idea of it not But
Speaker 2
you're like, no.
Speaker 1
Yeah. But on the same token, I've totally, absolutely held shower heads for women while they
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 1
You know, stimulated themselves and Totally.
Speaker 2
You never know. Yeah. You never know. The so I was like, I'm just gonna have all the tools. Exactly. That's what it's about. You have That's And you That's what I mean.
Speaker 1
But it
Speaker 2
has been helpful as a practice. Like, I've been practicing relaxing during just I don't know. There's, like, you know, moments where where I feel, like, myself tense or kind of really observing, like, how I how I am with that. And so Cool. I've been using that as a way to prepare, I guess, or to get my body ready. But I don't know. I'm working with my breath, so that's something that's been so it's been a more fun trimester. And also just, feeling the baby move so much and, feeling more connected to the baby all the time. They're just, like, they feel, to the baby all the time. They're just, like, they feel really, like, fun and bony. It feels like they're a bony baby. That's a all, like, for a few friends and people who've palpated have said that they feel like they're probably real skinny, so I'm, like, I don't know. That's what I feel too because they they're poking me all the time. But Yeah. That's right. Jacob and I are both pretty bony, so I guess that makes sense. But, yeah, I'm feeling I'm feeling very excited to meet them. Mhmm. And mostly, at this point, fairly confident, but I did wanna talk about, like, I haven't I have definitely had moments of fear and things have come up at few points in this trimester. The first was, like, kind of maybe earlier in in the third trimester. I just started like, every time I would look at a picture on Instagram of, like, a head coming out of a a person, I would have this moment, like, oh, shit. Like, I'm gonna do that? Which is crazy. Like, of course, I know what I'm getting myself into. But it I started to feel, really, like, kinda just extra vulnerable and and kind of, like, maybe I need to take a break from, like, looking at graphic pictures of birth and, or just and I and I had I had some dreams of, like, crazy things happening and I started to to spin a little bit, like, stories of, like, what if this happens? There was kind of a short lived period of time, just like a couple days, but I was
Speaker 1
like is a rite of passage, I feel like. Yeah. Doesn't everybody do that? You know?
Speaker 2
Absolutely. And I was I was, like, in some I was having some insomnia during that time, and I don't even really remember how I got through it. I just did. Like, I I think talking with Jacob and maybe sharing some of it with friends and kind of everyone I, like, said I think I talked to, like, my friend who's a doula who I plan to have at the birthing space, and everybody would just sort of validated, like, that's okay that you feel that way, and, like, you don't have to, you know, feel brave all the time. Like, like, it's okay. And I, yeah. And then that just kinda passed and then I didn't really I mean, I still, of course, sometimes a thought will pop into my head, but it's easy to kind of, like, name what that is and and or, you know, name, like, if it isn't actually my worry or where is it coming from, like, what story is that from. And, you know, I think as a doula, I I found myself thinking of, like, some of the more traumatic births I've been to. But then I also would think of, like, the more empowering beautiful ones and, like, kind of you know? And and remembering, like, that just at the end of the day, like, how it always just happened. Like, it was like, it's it's going to happen. Like, just reminding myself that that just that this is, like, a thing that's really hard to actually, like, wrap your head around kind of because it feels super heady in a lot of ways. But I know that it's going to just happen Whether, like, no matter what I do Exactly. My my baby is gonna come out of me. So I kind of just reminding myself that helps.
Speaker 1
Yeah. There's a nice release in in really accepting how out of control you are. Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Or, you know, it's it's like
Speaker 1
really accepting it, like, on a somatic level, really realizing that the only way is through. My husband and I have a line that we say to each other all the time in our in our household where when something is is like that, and, you know, example of of the baby coming or or it's raining and we were gonna go out or whatever, something like that. We always just say, well, there's no point in having an opinion on it.
Speaker 2
Like Yeah.
Speaker 1
It is what it is, and so let's move on, you know, and and
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
It's quite freeing.
Speaker 2
I actually found the the children's rhyme, like, the going on a bear hunt where it's like you can't go over it, you can't go under it. Hold on. You have to go through it. That, like, came into my head one day when I was having and I was like, oh, yeah. That's totally like I can't I can't, like, go around birth. Like, I have I just have to go through it. So, and and I do think that my experience with, all the puking and and just, like, the challenging physical pregnancy that I've had has given me a lot of, like I'm just like, man, like, there were so many days where I just wanted to be done, and I just did not wanna do it. But I had to. I had to just get through the day. And so and then there'd be a better day. So knowing, like, I can go through. Right. Because I don't have a choice. Exactly.
Speaker 1
And it's the it's the essence of actually practicing surrendering and that you, you know, it was not easy, but that you had so much forced practice and, you know, well, no use having an opinion in it. Like, you're Yeah. You're doing your best, you're surviving, you're taking each day as it comes, and Yeah.
Speaker 2
How else,
Speaker 1
you know, what a bet there's no better way to approach birth of just to be like, okay, let's do this.
Speaker 2
And there's there's good and there's bad days, and I anticipate I don't know. I'm prepared for moments in my labor process, but but maybe it won't be that way. But I'm totally prepared for, like, good and bad moments, like, moments where I'm gonna feel like I can't and moments I'm gonna feel really confident. And, and I have talked a lot to, Jacob, like like, just, you know, keep reminding me that I can do it and I, like but I and I know he'll know when he needs to say that. But, and then the the other time that fear kind of really arrived for me, was just about, like, two weeks ago or a week and a half ago. It was about when I was, like, thirty seven weeks, I, I had a night where or I had two days where I started having, really blurry vision and which that in itself was just not fun because you can't see and headaches. And I so I checked my blood pressure because I was a little bit concerned like, oh, these are some preeclampsia signs, and that's something that is a little concerning to me. And my blood pressure was pretty high. And normally, I haven't checked it a lot in my pregnancy, like, maybe a handful of times, but I knew, like, my normal is I knew what my normal was and it was fairly low. So I felt just a little bit, concerned about that. And then, of course, probably my concern was just making my blood pressure higher because every time I would measure it, like, I was feeling stressed and so I'm sure it was just kinda, you know, a vicious cycle. But I have a friend who's a student midwife who I had already talked about, like, hey. If I call you during labor, like, because maybe I need some encouragement or maybe I want someone to, like, come and and maybe I decide I want a vaginal check or I don't know anything that I might want from somebody who has some midwifery knowledge. Are you cool supporting me? And she's like, totally. I'm not licensed. I support what you're doing. I think it's great. Like, I you can call me. So I texted her, like, telling her what was going on, and she was like, oh, I'll come I'll come check on you, and I'll be there, like, in an hour, and I'll bring my manual blood pressure cuff. And she also was like, I'll bring a couple things if you want me to do any like, she was gonna bring urine strips and, and some herbs that can help lower blood pressure, like tinctures. So I was like, great. That's sounds perfect. And then after, like, a few minutes after we had agreed upon that, I suddenly felt in my head, I want to listen to the baby on the doppler. And I don't know where that came from, like, I had never really felt that urge. And we had listened with our feet of scope of HEARD, their heart, and obviously, I know they have a heartbeat and I know I, like, was feeling them move, but I think the day before, they weren't moving as much and I just had you know, it just started to feel like a lot of fear and it felt I was kind of aware that it was a little bit irrational, but at the same time, I didn't really know how else to, like, talk my myself down, and it was hard having the headaches and stuff too. I just felt like, I don't know. This is what I need. And so I just scared. I was scared. And so I texted her that, and she was like, are you sure? Because she knew you know, she she knows everything I've been doing and, but she's like, yeah, I'll bring it and you know what, like, but we don't have to do it or whatever you wanna do. So she came over and she was great. She was really, like, we talked. She kinda talked me down a little bit. She took my blood pressure and it was high, but it wasn't it was lower than it had been when I took it myself. And she was, like, really slow about it. Like, she waited, you know, kinda got me the, like, small talk and stuff so I was calmer, which I think helped. And we did a I did a urine test. And all the stuff she brought, she was very, like, here's what I brought. Here's what it does. Let's do whatever you want. Like, you decide. And I realized from that experience how, like, amazing and refreshing it was to have, like, someone who's, like I mean, she's still a student, but, like, a provider, you know, actually, like, let you be in control, like, be very not pushing anything on you and just being very, like, it's everything's up to you. Of service. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I've never I've, you know, I haven't really seen much of that before or experienced it myself. And just that experience in itself is really, I'm really grateful for it because it was really amazing to know, like, that that is, like, true care. You know? That's, like and that's what I wanted. And so
Speaker 1
And that's true, like, friendship and sisterhood
Speaker 2
and Yeah.
Speaker 1
This is about, you know, giving birth back to the women and giving birth back to community that regardless of her titles and blah blah blah, that she's your friend. And she just said, hey, can you come support me for a minute and check-in with me? And she had the tools that she didn't, like, hoard, and then coerce you into using them and take over, and, you know, all of the stuff that most providers do. Like, he was your friend, and she has midwifery knowledge that she happily, at will, shared with you. Like, can we please all do this for each other? Yes.
Speaker 2
I think I I think, like, I thought a lot about that experience, and it was, like, it's it was so sad to me, like, how, much of a novelty that felt like. Like, it was just like, oh, this is like, I felt like, oh, I'm so lucky that I had that and I and I like yeah. And I and I, like, really built that or I I had to, like, work to find that and but that made me really sad for, you know, everyone else who doesn't have that. But, but so we she, you know, we looked at my urine and it was fine. Turns out I was really dehydrated, so kind of explains the headaches and the and the blurry vision. And she gave me some tinctures. She brought had brought her a lot of different herbs, like, that I could drink as teas and tinctures to help with my blood pressure, like, lowering it. And also that would just be, like, useful at this point in the pregnancy, so I was like, great. Which I have been using them because they've and she was very, like, just, you know, if it feels good, you don't have to. But intuitively, I have been using a lot of them and, I my blood pressure has been dropping. So I have to Passionflower? Yeah. The Passionflower, and then I can't remember what the other one was for blood pressure. Then she also suggested, nettle for because for my magnesium magnesium being low and with the dehydration too. And raspberry leaf, of course wrong with nettles. No. Can't go wrong with nettles, and also hops, hops flower, like a light tea, she said before bed. Like, some she said not every night, but, like, some nights. And that was supposed to help with blood pressure. A skull cap for the headaches, and that has actually been helping me a ton with anytime I have had a headache, which hasn't been a ton. And usually when I do, I know it's that I just need to drink more water, but it, like, makes my headache go away right away. So
Speaker 1
Wow. Cool.
Speaker 2
I don't know if it's, like, logical or some or whatever, a placebo effect. But
Speaker 1
And how did it how did it wind up going with the Doppler?
Speaker 2
So so that was the we got to at the very end. She didn't even really, like, bring it up, but I did. I was like, I still feel like I wanna listen to the baby with the doppler. And I don't know why I didn't just ask her to listen with a fetal scope. To be honest, I I I could have done that instead. I I don't know what it was something about the doppler that just felt like and I upon, like, thinking about it after, it was, like, definitely, you know, kind of stories that I had of, like, well, this is gonna give me information. It's the same information. But But it was just it is easier. Yeah. It's easier and easier to hear.
Speaker 1
Can hear at the same time, and it is kinda like a little hit. Right?
Speaker 2
It's like Mhmm. Like, let me
Speaker 1
like, we're all addicted, right, to the medical.
Speaker 2
Totally. It was like a hit. It was like and I was like, well, I haven't done it and, like, I haven't you know, maybe it's okay. And we talked a lot about it, and she was very, like, well, she she told me after that when she was driving over that she almost cried thinking about it because she knew that it was a really big deal to me, and she was just, like, kind of feeling, you know, and she was just, like but also supportive of me deciding. But my husband was at work at that moment, and she knew that another important thing for me was that I I wanted him to be around anytime I listened to the baby's heart, and he wasn't. And so the first thing she said was, okay. Like, do you wanna take a video or a recording of this if you do wanna do it? And I was like, yeah. And, and I was like, what? Can we just do it for, like, a few seconds? And she was like, yeah. Absolutely. So I just was I was pretty insistent. Like, she was it was definitely not her. But I just decided, like, I wanna do it. And I texted Jacob and told him that and was like, is this okay with you? I mean, it's my body, but I just you know, because it was something that was a big deal to us. And he was like, of course, if that feels like what you need to do. So so we did, like, ten seconds or so. She like, she did a time. So she she was like, do you want me to get a baseline? And I was like, okay. And so we did it and was like, of course. Like, baby is fine. Like, everything I already knew, it was like, baseline's like one fifty something. I was like, they sound strong and it's like and it was, you know, and then we know it's just in that moment, so who knows? But, but I did feel so I had a lot of emotions after because I I felt very, like at first, I felt kinda guilty, and I felt almost hypocritical because I was like, oh, I've been so, like, you know, I was like, I've been so good, and I and then I did this. And and then I also was like, well, it's not that big of a deal. It was really short time and, like, I don't know. There was a lot of this different kind of chatter.
Speaker 1
And it's at the end of the day, like, it's yours.
Speaker 2
Uh-huh. And that so where I I finally landed was, like, after reflecting on it, it was, like, for some reason, I needed that. So, like, or for some reason, that's where my fear led me. And the fact that I got to make that choice and that I got to decide that it was what I wanted and that I got to be sort of in control of how it all happened. And, that was to me, I was like, that is the whole point of doing a wild pregnancy and and a free like, that's the free part to me. You know, that I'm free to make decisions based on whatever it is that I'm needing and feeling that I need. And in that moment, for some reason, that was the decision I had to make.
Speaker 1
Right. Not every decision we always make is necessarily in our highest consciousness or power. Like Yeah. I'm thinking about net you know, with with my baby, like, I throw crackers at her to like a circus animal so that I can get stuff done on my computer. Like, is that in my highest consciousness as a parent? No.
Speaker 2
What I
Speaker 1
need to do so that I can, navigate. Now that's a little obviously different, but,
Speaker 2
like, you know, I'm saying
Speaker 1
that, like, it's my decision to make and I'm making it and and and that's what matters is it no one's forcing me
Speaker 2
to throw crackers at my face. Exactly. And then and then I was like, I don't need to feel guilty for, you know, a decision that felt right to me. So, overall, it was a positive experience for me, like, in a way and to have this, like, fear come up and to, you know, just kinda ride the wave of it and then see what happened and and how we dealt with it.
Speaker 1
And to, like, play with it. You know, I mean, you you, you have stepped so far out of the paradigm that everybody else around you is swirling in. You know, it it's, you know, obviously, you know, I I went in for a vaginal exam to the medical model, like, you know, like, which is way more freaking intense. Yeah. Harmful and complicated than a ten second Doppler at home with your friend. Yeah. But point being that, like, you know, we we are women who are removing ourselves as best as we can and figuring out who we are when we take the reins. And that doesn't mean for every woman making this choice that they're going to be like, it's not even the goal to be a hundred percent removed from the medical model. Of course not. Just like Yeah. In your last episode, you shared about going into the hospital when you needed IV fluids. Like, the point is what you just what you just got to, which is, to feel free, to feel powerful, to feel in charge, and to make your own goddamn decisions.
Speaker 2
Yeah. So that's what we women need. Yeah. And I think there might have even been a part of me that needed that, like, feeling of, you know, before going going through this process of actually giving birth of just kind of being, like, a little bit of play of, like, in making my decisions and just, I don't know, seeing I don't in some level, maybe it was kind of me just testing a little bit of, like like, what do I what am I gonna do, and what where am I gonna go? And I think, yeah, in the end, like, the feeling, the confidence that I'm making my decisions is what, I really got from that experience. And Right. And, thankfully, it doesn't seem like I have preeclampsia. So and I'm doing fine, and I'm feeling great and, or, you know, as great as I can. I don't know. I don't know. And and moment.
Speaker 1
You know it, like, you've said no screen time, and then before you know it, you're watching The Bachelor with your baby.
Speaker 2
I know. I know it. I think it's definitely preparation for all of that. It's like, you know, you you walk into something with, like, all these ideas, and then it's just, like, maybe your reality doesn't look that way, and that's And that's the work. I mean, that's Yeah. That's being
Speaker 1
present, and that's listening, and that's being intuitive, and, again, that's being self authoritative. It's not
Speaker 2
We're humans. We're not like, you know, things like I was I had all these ideas about what I thought my pregnancy was gonna look like, and in most ways, it hasn't at all. And
Speaker 1
And, you know, this is a good kind of segue into, you know, I was thinking about this before we started recording, the vulnerability of you doing this series with me before your first birth.
Speaker 2
You know? Yeah. And, like, we And I'm yeah. I'm not gonna lie. Like, when I was choosing to do the doppler, I was like, I had that thought. I was like, oh, I'm gonna have to talk about I'm gonna talk about this in the podcast. I'm like or just, you know, the not that I don't really feel like there's pressure on me, but, like, I have been pretty I mean, though I'm being very, like, quite not really telling a lot of people in the world, like, I and I'm sort of anonymous and that, you know, I'm I'm not, like, telling everybody about what I'm doing, but there is it is vulnerable to to share all of this and, you know, to know that complete strangers are, like, listening to me talk and and hearing what I'm doing and what my plans are, and there's, like, a little bit of a a interesting I don't know. It's an interesting thing.
Speaker 1
No. I mean, I totally get it because I freaking transferred myself,
Speaker 2
you know, after
Speaker 1
a year of of this podcast and of setting up the platform I set up, which was, you know, super humbling and awesome and totally in my mind when I transferred, and and thankfully, my story ended quite powerfully. But, you know, but but yeah. I mean, that was not that was not not in my mind.
Speaker 2
I'm sure. You know?
Speaker 1
And and and that's what I was gonna say is just the vulnerability of this series before your birth story and that when we check back in whenever you're ready in the fourth trimester, you know, obviously, I will have been in touch with you, so I'll know what your story was, whatever it was. But I guess I just wanna say, and I'm sure it goes without saying, but, like, this the whole point of tracking this isn't, you know, only to have one narrative. You know? It's like Right. This is you and this you're my friend, and I wanted, you know, to do this thing with you, in whatever formation it takes. And, and I think kind of what we're getting to in this conversation is that we're really highlighting the point is that you are having a powerful pregnancy and you will birth in power. And so, that is your goal and your dream and what you're compassing towards, and the rest is up to the divine. Right? Like, we don't
Speaker 2
know what
Speaker 1
will happen.
Speaker 2
It'll be what it'll be. And that's just and, yeah. All I can do is, like, we're saying, can all I can do is go through it. Right.
Speaker 1
All you can do is go through it
Speaker 2
and whatever. You know? And and part
Speaker 1
of, part of this that's kind of cool is is that maybe does keep you to some degree, like or another layer of kind of accountability or whatever because you have put yourself out there before your birth. Yeah. You know? And and this it wasn't going to be a
Speaker 2
simple decision anyway if you were to transfer or anything
Speaker 1
like that. Of course. That was
Speaker 2
course. That was
Speaker 1
why I wanted to track this with you because whatever happens is life. Like, it's it's you making intuitive decisions, and that's the point. That's the goal. That's what we wanna see women doing is feeling, powerful in their lives and that they have the authority and the social respect, you know, and support to make their own decisions, and then the rest is is whatever will unfold.
Speaker 2
And I guess that is my hope. That's a lot of why I'm sharing my story, and and my hope is for any people who are listening or people who've been following, like, to, not feel like like, it shouldn't feel like you are putting pressure on yourself and making this decision or that you have that it needs to look any one way. That's not the point of this. Like, the the point is, again, like, to feel powerful to and to really, like, work with trust, like, trusting yourself and trusting the process and trusting birth, and, that is not an easy thing to do. It's it takes all different kinds of shapes and forms of journeys for different people, but we have the right, to to work with that trust and and to, like, we are strong enough to do that work, and and I feel like society kind of tells us to put our trust in in other people and just like all everything, you know, the trust is, like, I I do have, like, one of those pregnancy apps that I sometimes look at just for fun, and it always says, like, make sure you talk to your doctor about this or ask your doctor. In everything, it's just, like, anything that you're feeling or doing or thinking, like, you should go to an outside resource first. And I just that I just I don't know. I don't agree. And I if there's anything I hope for and, like, why am I sharing my story is just that, like, there is another way, and it doesn't mean maybe it doesn't mean that you're a hundred percent outside the system. Maybe you do work with a midwife or maybe you do see you know, it doesn't like, the details don't matter. But just the the fact of the matter is that this is a choice that anyone can make. Like, I've had many people say to me, like, oh, I don't think I could do that. And, you know, I my thing is, like, well, why? Like, you know, I I don't know. It it doesn't need to look the way I'm doing it, but that makes I mean, that's just that was, I think, part of why I felt, like, when you we talked about doing this way, I felt like, yeah. I I I want I know for me, every time I hear a story of a woman who has free birthed, no matter what it her story was or what it looked like, it gives me more confidence to be like, okay. She did it, then I could do it. Like, I and I want to do this, and, like, she wants to do it, and she did it. And so I
Speaker 1
It's like that sister Morningstar quote, what one woman can do, all women can do.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I love that. I hope, you know, no matter how my birth turns out or, that maybe me being vulnerable in this way or sharing my different aspects and stories might, help others who are wanting to do similar things or thinking about it feel, like, a little more confident because it was just like, oh, she did it. I could do it. And, you know, to not yeah. To just let it be what it it's gonna be.
Speaker 1
So I'd like to I'd like to then pivot into, I'd love for you to speak your birth dream.
Speaker 2
Yeah. If you could if you could just
Speaker 1
if you could just, you know, say it and then so it was, you know, what would be your birth story?
Speaker 2
So I've done a lot of work with that. And that well, I've done parts of the the free birth course, and I did that, exercise, like, while listening to a song. And that was really powerful for me to have so I have, like, the song that I really associate with, like, my dream now, and I I listen to it a lot. And it's like a thirty minute song, so it's kind of it's just like a meditative, like, drums kind of yoga music song, and I I plan to listen to it at some point, probably.
Speaker 1
Well, now you're gonna have to say what it is because I know
Speaker 2
it's gonna mess with me and say I know. It's true. I'll have to I won't even it's, like, called, like, shaman music or something. I I can look it up, but it's
Speaker 1
Don't message me asking me what
Speaker 2
it is. I don't We can, like, put it on an Instagram post or something when you put the the, the episode out. So, yeah, let me go through it. It's pretty simple. And oh, and I do wanna say because this was a really helpful tool for me, so I don't know if it would be like, I said, I I wrote it all out. And, and then I actually read it to all the people that I have invited to be in my birth space. And I played the song that I had attached to while I was reading it and, because I really felt like the song kind of communicated something to me. So it could be any song, but I think for me, that was a really useful tool because I had this, like it's like, I'm going to do my best using my words, but there's also just, like, feelings.
Speaker 1
You're like, and I have a twenty minute interpretive day prepared.
Speaker 2
My shaman dance. Yeah. And I
Speaker 1
will be performing naked with my vibrator.
Speaker 2
The vibrator is a part of the the dream. Alright. So take it. So my I my dream is, how I see it beginning is really however it begins, it begins. And to be as specific as I can is that I'm I just want it to be if it if it's going to be a slow beginning, then I plan to kind of just keep living my life, or doing whatever feels good in that moment, which will probably be the things I'm already doing, which is just like But you're gonna have to pick for this exercise. Sorry.
Speaker 1
Obviously, you're gonna flow with whatever happens.
Speaker 2
But Yes. Is
Speaker 1
the point what's fun about this, and I know you already know this, but I'm gonna just say
Speaker 2
it again. I do. What's fun about
Speaker 1
this exercise is it's not a expectation. It's not a plan, any of that. But if you could, just pick one out of the air of a beautiful, perfect birth story, what is it?
Speaker 2
Okay. I'll be I'll try to be super specific. It's hard for me because I'm very like, it'll maybe it'll be this, maybe it'll be that, especially because as a birth doula, I know that so well. Yeah. But, anyways Okay. So, starting I I'm in my dream, I'm starting kind of slow and lying around and feeling starting to feel sensations and, allowing the sensations to come and go. I imagine it being late in the day or nighttime will be. And I I do want darkness, so I if there's sun, pull the shades when I start to feel like I'm ready for that and, turning lights off and just wanting, like, not too much stimulation. And I follow my body from the beginning as it's still kind of letting things build. Meaning, if I want to use my vibrator, I'll use I use my vibrator if I wanna lie around with my partner. And I imagine it just being me and my partner at this point or maybe even me alone if he's not around, and and I will call him when I feel like I want him around, or I might want I'd be alone at times too. I like to be alone. And just kind of moving around slowly, possibly baking something. I imagine baking something just for the smells. And, I like details, so I want to I'll have, some essential oils going in my diffuser. Geranium and lavender are the ones that I pulled out for myself. I have all my leg supplies, on my washer and dryer right now, so those are the ones that are right there. Putting on some music. And then as, I imagine that going on for some time, just this sort of slow build and following where where my body wants to take me and just mostly probably staying in my house, but occasionally stepping outside, to feel the grass beneath my feet. We have a lot of grass right now, which is rare in LA, but we had a lot of rain, so that's a nice thing. A lot of flowers around. I want there to be flowers around, so I've asked my friend to pick some up if I don't already have some, but I usually have fresh flowers all the time in my house. So, I'll just have flowers everywhere. And then as as things begin to build, I imagine, you know, if wanting to go in the shower, wanting to use water, just shifting around from my tools that I have a lot of different toolboxes, or in different you know, like my labor playground. I have I do have a tub that I, can set up, which I have been renting out to people for years. So a lot of babies have been born in it, which is kind of amazing and awesome, and I have all of that, good energy in this tub. And so I plan to have that set up, if, you know, to get into. And I have a bathtub that's also that I might get into. At a certain point, I when I I start to feel that I need some maybe a change of scenery or some more support. Plan to call one of my friends who is a doula, to come and and, you know, hold space and be extra hands, and we give Jacob some moments to take a break and to rest, because I want him to be kind of the main person around me if when if and when I wanna be touched, I imagine it would be him. But, she would come and, you know, again, like, encourage me, hold space, watch, but say very little. Not very little talking throughout the whole thing from anyone. No conversations. And if anyone in my in the people that I plan to have, if they need to talk to one another, they know to do it in another room and so not in front of me. I don't really want, like, any complicated sentences being said. Just want it very quiet and dark
Speaker 1
None of those simple. All those whispers in the background.
Speaker 2
Yes. I don't want that. So when you know, and since it'd be in my house and there's we have different rooms, they can close the door, I've said. Like, you can go into the guest room and close the door if you need to talk, which is fine if they need to, but, like, don't do it in front of me. I don't wanna use my brain in a logical way. And then I, when as things start to build and I can start to feel like maybe a baby is starting to really descend or I'm feeling, like, more pressure. I feel like that baby's starting to to come. And I also, I want to be quiet and and just kind of as connected to baby as I can because I know that they're gonna tell me what I need to do, and that's my my dream really is that this is just me and the baby working together. And everyone else is, like, kind of like tertiary characters, like, they're there to, you know, they're like the setting and the props and the and, like, the outside parts, but the baby and I are both the stars. And we're we're running the show, and we're really, like, are the show, and we're doing it together. And, and they tell me what they need, and I tell them what I need, and we're communicating together. And I'm moving my body as they need me to. So when I feel that my baby's communicating to me that they're getting closer to coming, I plan to I I dream of having or calling my best friend since who's been my best friend since I was twelve. And I want her to be there, and I want her to take pictures. And I want her to see this. She's never seen a birth, and I whether she she'll, yeah, she'll be there. I do want her in the space. She is just like a sister to me, and I really love her and trust her. So I imagine that I want her coming towards the end. So she'll come and she'll come really quietly, and she'll take off her shoes and not say anything to me. And, if I say submit to her, then maybe but we're not gonna really talk, and she'll be there with her camera or doing her thing without really getting in the way. She's a kind of really good wallflower, so she'll be great at that. She's good. She's like a sneaky person, kind of, so in a good way. And then I imagine, being maybe near the tub in my in my living room in a squat as I'm feeling baby coming. I don't, yeah, I imagine being, like, squatting or holding on maybe on all on all fours and Jacob coming close to me. And, I dream of kind of both of us catching the baby together and touching the baby, both of us at the being the first hands to touch them and then them coming right to my chest. And I have something to lean into, like, maybe I lean into the tub or the couch which is close by or into him, so that I can just, like, lean back and sort of sit, and and see my baby and look at them and hold them, kiss them, and smell them. I will be the first person to talk to them. I will be the first verse voice they sit they hear. I don't know what I say, but I say something probably not that smart, but, hi, maybe. And then Jacob will talk to them and also touch them and kiss them, and we'll kind of just be like the three of us in a little huddle. And when it feels right, my two friends will, talk or come back into the space in their awareness, and, they'll be, having some emotion. I imagine I would love, like, some just laughing, maybe crying, and feeling just a lot of excitement that, like, we did it. The baby's here. And just excitement to meet them because we're all really excited to meet them and they're all people that are gonna be an important part of this baby's life because they're people who are really important in my life. And then, I will get into sort of more comfortable position or maybe shift if I feel that I need to for when the placenta comes. And I have a a bowl set aside that that I will have some one of my friends grab, and I will feel when it's time for it to come. And I'll tell them to grab the bowl, and it'll just come out of me, and we'll put it in the bowl. And then every all of us will go to, my bed, and someone will have put waterproof, like, a bed cover and our crappy sheets and set up some towels and stuff for us so we don't have to do that. And, Jacob and baby and I will get into the bed and just kind of lie and cuddle, and the placenta will just be hanging in the bowl, and my friends will, get me some food. I made, some I made a turkey chili for myself because that was the thing that I thought would sound really good for my first meal. So that's my dream to eat that turkey chili. They'll they're gonna defrost it and bring it to me, and we'll eat together. And they can, of course, eat if they want, and, and they'll clean up the space and kind of throw laundry in or whatever needs to happen and then eventually leave. Break down the bathtub. Yeah. Break down the bathtub, get all the stuff out of the way, make sure that we have plenty of food and water so that we don't really need to, get out of bed. Yeah. Or, actually, I I no. There is one more thing I wanted to do before my friends leave. I want my friend one of my friends to, hop into the shower with me because I wanna just, like, rinse off. And my shower is, like, steps away from my bed, so so it'll be not too far. And during that time, I want Jacob to be just laying in the bed with the baby skin to skin, and I'll be able to hear. And it'll be a fast shower because I imagine I won't wanna be away for that long, but but my friend will get in with me and kinda hold me, and and will probably, like, cry and laugh and talk because, this has been a dream we both had just this birth. And we knew, like, long before I was pregnant that she would be with me and supporting me, and we both had, like, visions of it. So we'll be celebrating together in the shower. That's good. And then she'll tuck me back in, and we'll probably just all be naked. And then maybe we'll sleep after everyone's gone, or we'll or we'll talk. I we'll we'll be happy and looking at our baby and just mesmerized at at them and finally, like, getting to see the space we've been dreaming about what it might look like and their toes and just everything. And, when we feel ready, which we kind of imagine it being sometime in twelve hours or so, we plan to we'll burn the cord, and we have some candles. And and we're just we'll just use, like, some, cardboard wrapped in aluminum foil underneath, and, we'll do that together and and thank the placenta for all of the the hard magical work it did, and, and then we'll we'll sever that. And I plan to bury the placenta, maybe take some of it to make a smoothie if I feel like I want to. But then we have a couple different fruit trees that we got, in it for our yard, and we plan to bury one of those. We haven't decided which one, but maybe an avocado tree or an orange tree Cute. In in our yard and plants the placenta beneath it.
Speaker 1
And then you will never throw up again.
Speaker 2
That I will never throw up again until maybe if I go through this again, I might. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe not. And then we continue living our lives as a family of three.
Speaker 1
Beautiful. I can see it. I really can.
Speaker 2
It's pretty simple. But Beautiful. Yeah. I I see it too. I actually, like, a lot in moments when I just walk through my house, I can, like, see visions of, like and I'm gonna be here on my hands and knees, and I'm gonna be here, like, swaying my hips, and I can, like, picture that. And Mhmm. I'm sitting on my bed right now. And as I was saying, I, like, just very clearly can picture, like, the three of us laying in this bed together.
Speaker 1
Oh, I already love your baby so much. Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 2
Can't wait to meet them. I'm just so excited to meet them. Well, you've already met
Speaker 1
you've already met him.
Speaker 2
I know. But to meet them in this in this way Yeah. To hold them and to meet, you know, meet them in this, like, fleshy way Yeah. In a fleshy way. Totally. Because I know them in a different way, but Yeah. Yeah, to see the the the flesh that they're taking form in.
Speaker 1
So excited for you. Well, I guess I just wanna say that I will be holding you in my heart and praying for a safe passage of the sweet baby. And I have all of the faith and trust and respect and love for you in the world. And Thank you. No doubts in my mind that you like all of your ancestors, you know, maybe sans a couple recent ones, you
Speaker 2
know, the
Speaker 1
vast majority of your ancestors that have ever been have have done this and paved this road for you, and, and we will be with you, you know, to go through this and and to light a candle for you and to hear your story, however it takes form on the other side. And, you know, I'm just so appreciating that you and I met as maidens and as Yeah. As birth workers. And, and I, you know, I know I know for for for probably all women who are birth workers and and then, you know, have supported births, I had no idea what birth was. Yeah. I had no idea.
Speaker 2
I mean, I'm pretty, like, aware that I don't I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I know you are. But I say that in a in a good way, you know. Yeah.
Speaker 1
In a in a mind blowing, like, in a humble, in a humbled mind blowing, like, you know, be sitting at the feet of the divine and and remembering how, just being in awe of of these passages that are before us and that you're at that stage in this life, in your lineage that I'm gonna cry. That you're that you are about to walk through this, you know?
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
It's so special. And it's it's obviously women are crossing through these these portals every day, you know, all over, and all mammals are are you know, all of our sister species are are doing this every day, and and it's just so
Speaker 2
It's like the biggest thing yet and the most normal thing. Right. The most common, and it's it's
Speaker 1
so special to have witnessed you in this way. And and I wish I was in LA, so that I could have witnessed your belly grow in in real time. But, yeah, anyway, I just you know, it's like, it really is, like, sending you on this I mean, it's not that I'm sending you on it. That that universe is sending you on this this epic transformation. And, I guess one thing I wanted to impart to you that I know you've already heard it, but a line that stuck with me in my birth is a line that Yolanda passed to me, which is, birth will decimate you, and that's one of its gifts. Yeah. And that that is such a beautiful, powerful, you know, way to hold birth that it's not all rainbows and butterflies that it Yeah. Especially first births. Like, it's meant to make you lose your mind and, you know, make you lose your shit, and that that's one of its gifts that you emerge from that, a new woman.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I, in a lot of ways, already feel that has happened in some in some ways during pregnancy, and I'm I am grateful for those gifts because I know it's, like, preparing me for this next part of the journey that's just gonna break me down. And then it'll happen again in postpartum, and and then it'll happen always in different ways, in different layers as you go through all the different levels of new and challenges and and being a mother. That's what I imagine. Yeah. Wow. And wait. And I both tell you the story. I know I have no idea, and I'm also just happily going into it. Exactly. That's all you can do. All you need to do. I'm like little red riding head going into the forest. But Well, I do see. Expect the wolf and and I you know, that's fine. Yeah.
Speaker 1
And that the wolf in this story actually loves you.
Speaker 2
Yes. And the wolf's not gonna doesn't just wanna eat me. Exactly.
Speaker 1
The wolf actually loves you and in its decimation of
Speaker 2
you, you will be reborn from It's a mama wolf. Well,
Speaker 1
obviously, you and I will keep in touch privately, but
Speaker 2
but, you know, as
Speaker 1
far as this is concerned, we will check back, whenever you're ready. Yeah. In the you know, in your postpartum time, in theory, it'll be in, like, but somewhere between three and five months.
Speaker 2
Yeah. At some point, I look forward to sharing my story.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for, you know, having this platform and and letting me share my story.
Speaker 1
That's it for today, everyone. Join us next week for another episode of the free birth podcast. Thanks for joining us, and remember, your body, your choice. Lots of love.
