Speaker 0
Welcome to the Free Birth Podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning, exploring, and celebrating their autonomous choices in child childbirth. Together, we'll unpack truths, share personal stories, and claim our ability to birth freely and intuitively. Here's your host, Emilee
Speaker 1
Saldaya.
Speaker 2
Are you craving a community of like minded women? Do you feel like an outsider in your family or your community? Well, I may have the place for you. We have a Freebird Society private online community that's full of radical and wild women just like you. If you resonate with the topics that we explore on this podcast and wanna belong in a circle of women who support each other in the self exploration of free birth and wild mothering, come join us. You can apply online at our website, free birth society dot com. It's where myself and my team are hanging out these days, and we would love to get to know you. We are closing out season two with the final episode of following Kim and her free birth journey, bringing us to today's episode, her free birth and fourth trimester. Be sure to go back and listen to the previous three episodes that follow her while pregnancy and preparation for her upcoming free birth, which includes her challenges with hyperemesis and the many lessons conscious conception, pregnancy outside the system, and impending labor taught her. Alright. We are back. It is the fourth trimester wrap up with Kim, which obviously is going to include her birth story. And for any of you who are new to this, series that we've been doing, go back and listen to the other three that we have. We did a a little fun tracking of Kim's journey with her wild pregnancy through each trimester. And, funny enough, when her third trimester episode came out, she had already given birth by a couple days. So, here we are wrapping up her fourth trimester. This is gonna be released right around her twelve week postpartum mark. I think she's around ten weeks postpartum now. And so yeah. Where do you wanna go? Do you wanna kinda check-in with where you are now, or do you wanna just start at the beginning with the story?
Speaker 3
I think let's just start at the beginning.
Speaker 2
Okay.
Speaker 3
That feels right to me.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
I was just gonna remind everybody, we left off you were maybe a week away from birth, I feel like, when we recorded your third trimester.
Speaker 1
Yeah. I
Speaker 3
think it was about thirty eight weeks when we recorded it, and I gave birth the thirty nine ish.
Speaker 2
Oh my god. So
Speaker 1
Thank god we got that in.
Speaker 3
I know. Because I remember remember you said we could do another one the week after if I was still pregnant or at forty weeks, and I wasn't. So so I'm glad we did it. Okay. So, Kim, did you free birth? I did. Awesome. I did. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Well, take us to wherever you want at the beginning of of your story.
Speaker 3
Alright. So, I kind of think of, I guess, the birth itself and and, like, acts. And in my head, it's, like, about five different acts of, just, like, each one is sort of a different feeling to me in my in my memory when I think about it. So the first part, we'll start with x one, is really just a couple days before, I guess, you could say well, I it's interesting, like, when exactly does labor begin. Right? I think it's very different for everybody. So for me, there let's go start at Thursday night. I started getting some sensations that were just different than anything I'd felt when I was laying in bed. And I knew I didn't feel like it was like labor's here, but it felt like, oh, this is definitely something different, and it feels like things are happening soon maybe. It things are brewing. And I told my husband and and he we both got really giddy. Like, we both got really excited. He actually started shaking, and I was like, oh, you cannot be like that. I can leave her. Like, he was like, he was like shaking, and he was like, oh my god, but excited. But I was like, you need to be calmer because he's a very calm he's like my rock in daily life. So I was kinda surprised by that reaction. And for a second, I was like, oh, shit. Is he gonna be, like, a mess? But he wasn't. We got really excited, and it was just this feeling of, like, oh, we're having a baby soon, which was fun. And then the sensations went away, went in my sleep. And then I woke up that Friday and had actually the best day of my pregnancy, like, in terms of how I felt. Oh. So as if you've listened to my story, you know I had hyperemesis. And so every single morning was the morning was always the worst for me. In my pregnancy, I would always wake up, and I had to eat within, like, five minutes or else I was definitely gonna puke. And I remember waking up that Friday, and I didn't I because I always woke up nauseous, and I didn't. And I was just like, I feel great. And so I went on to have just an amazing day. I went on, like, two different walks, which was a big deal for me because I didn't have a lot of energy. I I made I was feeling really crafty, so I went to Joanne Fabrics and bought things to make a spring wreath, which is a really, like, not a thing I normally do. I felt like a grandma. I made myself a wreath. That's awesome. I was just I think I, like, masturbated for a long time. I just had a really, like, beautiful, just, like, Kim feeling good day. And I just felt good the whole day, which hadn't I mean, really, it was the best I felt my whole pregnancy. Wow. I went out to I went out to dinner with my best friend. I stayed out until eleven PM, which, like, normally Oh, my girl. I know. Normally, I was in bed by, like, nine thirty, so was, like, you know And
Speaker 2
you didn't throw up that day?
Speaker 3
Did not throw up that day. Wow.
Speaker 1
And
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it was I just felt so great. And then Saturday came along, and so Jacob, my husband, had finished this really big job that we'd been. He finished it that Friday, and we'd been talking to the baby, like, wait until after the twenty second to come because, he needed to finish that job so he could get paid for it. And, and then so I was still pregnant, which was great. He finished the job, and we got to have a day just to ourselves, which we hadn't in a while. So we had a really nice date today where we I was, you know, so huge and slow, but we went, like, out to eat and to a, like, a art gallery and and just had a really lovely day. I was feeling sensations throughout that day, like, especially in the car, but I was very, like it didn't hurt, and I would just talk through it, and it felt, like, very erratic. Like, I'd feel something, and then it'd be a little while, and then it feels again. So we're just, like, living life. And, the same thing through on Sunday too, like, in the morning. We went out for breakfast, and, we went out to eat to eat a lot those two days. We're like, good thing I had the baby soon after because we would've ran out of money. We were just really into, like, living life. So we went out
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to eat, and then we
Speaker 3
came back. Saturday night, actually, we had started watching the Spider Man, like, into the Spidey verse movie or whatever this, like, animated movie. That it was a very intense visual, movie, and I started feeling really weird and, like, kinda dizzy during it. And so we stopped it halfway through, and then we decided to pick it back up on Sunday afternoon. So we started it around, like, four o'clock. And I noticed right away as we were watching it, the sensations were feeling pretty consistent. So I just started, like, looking up at the clock, not like I cared about time, but just because I was curious. And I noticed that if Are
Speaker 2
are you saying that the Spider Man series is another form of natural induction?
Speaker 3
Maybe maybe it is. I mean, it's very it's a very intense if you've seen that movie. It's, like, very visual stimulating. Well, it's Maybe it's really fun. You know, super stimulating, but but, like, fun. Also, I I told some of my friends that I told them I wash up. They're like, I don't think I would suggest that to most women in early labor because it's really intense. But I was into it. So, yeah, maybe that's a good things going. So I just start I noticed that it was about every five minutes or so that I was having these sensations. And, and so it was just the first time I was like, oh, it's it's more consistent, but I finished the movie. And it still was like I was talking through it occasionally. I would feel like, oh, I need to breathe a little more, like, pay attention. But it was but good. Just hanging out. And then Jacob's like, well, like, well, make us a healthy dinner just in case, like, things to and I wanted to eat. I was craving some I don't remember vegetables or something. And so he made me dinner. We ate dinner, and still these are happening about every five minutes or so. And I'm still talking and just living my life. And then it's, like, nine PM, and and he was tired. And he's like, I maybe we should lay down and just see, like you know, may try to get some rest just in case anything things pick up. And I agreed with him, and we'd I kinda updated people that I plan to to update and said, like, I don't know. We're just letting you know that this is happening, but no expectations. The storm is brewing. Yes. I definitely felt that. And so he laid down. I laid down and immediately was like, nice. It doesn't feel good to lay down. So I just, like, tiptoed away and, was kind of just walking around. And really just minutes passed, and it started to get feel more intense, like, the most intense I'd felt it. So I I just had this feeling like it's time to to light the candles on the birth altar. So I lit my candles, and I had, a bundle of sage that a friend had given me that she had picked it from her garden, and she had lit it for her both of her two labors. So that's kinda special. And, and she's a a mom who I really look up to how she is as a mother. So I took that and I smudged every room in the house and outside a little bit. And, and then I was about to start, like, putting my I had battery operated candles that I was like, I'm gonna I want my candles up. So I start about to start putting them around the room when I had got a a wave that, like, really took my breath away. And I was just like, nope. I need Jacob. So I went back into the room, woke him up, got on all fours, and was like, things aren't happening. And then from that point on, I just started moaning. And and it was basically, like, from the moment I woke him up, I feel like I stepped onto, like, a speeding train. So this is this is act two for me. Like, that was a big shift. It was just, like, all of a sudden, it was, like, every two minutes or so, and I was just, like, my eyes were closed. I entered this other zone. I was moaning. I was groaning. I was growling. I was on all fours. I was walking. I was, like, everywhere. I was just, like, working. But it was really awesome. Like, I I really loved that part. I mean, it was there was a lot of sensation, and it was intense, and I I had to be very focused, but I remember feeling extremely connected to the baby throughout this part. I just I would just kind of in my head, like, talking to the baby, like, what do you need me to do? And felt very like, they were telling me, and we were just really connected. And at some point, we called my friend, who is a doula, and she came. And I don't really remember her coming, but, you know, then I felt her hand in my back, and that was nice. And I was, like, shaking, and I was on the bathroom, and I was throwing up. And so, you know, I've seen a lot of labors. So and I I was feeling all these things and and started thinking in my head, oh, women I've seen like this, things happen really fast. So I kinda think I got this little seed of a thought in my head, like, oh, this baby is gonna be here before the sun rises, was and was how I was feeling. Were you correct? No. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, welcome to the club. I was wrong. And that comes into play in
Speaker 2
the next
Speaker 3
act. But, you know, it just felt it it was like well, and it's there well, I'll talk about this later as a And
Speaker 2
and, like, we're it's it's hopeful.
Speaker 3
Yes. Definitely.
Speaker 2
And it was just like, oh, I've seen I've seen women, you know, it's like all these thing. When you
Speaker 3
start to to go into that, like, make it try to make it textbook, like, the signs or whatever, it just doesn't work because it's not it is not linear. Yeah. I mean, definitely the most hopeful I I did think a lot about the idea of birth as a labyrinth. I remember thinking of that when I was in labor because I would hit these moment like, I had these moments where I was like, oh, they're coming soon. And then, like, ten minutes later or whatever, I mean, those time is not a thing. But then a little after that, I'd feel like I was back at the start. And then it would feel like I'm back deep in it, and then I'm, like, out somewhere else. Like, it was Yeah.
Speaker 1
It's just
Speaker 2
a psychedelic journey.
Speaker 3
Very not linear. And so that really came into play later for me when things got mental. But at this point, I'm still very just, like, in in the heat of it. And, and I remember even thinking, like, oh, I'm good at this. Like, kind of cocky. Like, I was just like this. Like, I could feel I could feel my body opening. I could feel, like, things just happening, and I was, like, making out with my husband. I did not use my vibrator as I talked about willing to do. It didn't happen. And you are good at this, and it sounds like birth hadn't decimated you yet. It had not decimated me yet. Yeah. And that will happen later. But we're like, yeah, yeah, we're, like, making out and all the someone else lit the candles. The candles were lit. I wanted the tub set up, so I asked for that at one point. And, I remember I got in the shower and I and my friend one of my friends was holding water on my back, and then Jacob came in and was like, we ran out of hot water probably because I was also using it. And, I got really sad because I was like, oh, that means no tub. And then I started to cry, and I was like because I was really convinced, like, I'm gonna get in this tub and have this baby. And then I I that was the first time I cried. I was like, oh, no. Like, everything's messed up.
Speaker 1
Everything's ruined.
Speaker 3
My my vision. And then I guess Jacob and one of my friends started boiling we have this huge pot for brewing beer that a friend who was a brewer gave us, like, a five gallon pot, and they started boiling water. And they ended up boiling water all night.
Speaker 2
You know it wouldn't be a home birth if that wasn't happening.
Speaker 3
I I know. And we were really expecting, like, a super high gas and water bill because it was, like, twelve hours of boiling water, but it was okay. And so I didn't and all of this was just happening, you know, in the background because I had made it really clear with everyone that I had talked to about being at my birth that they were not to talk to me unless I talked to them or if I asked for something. But I didn't really want any kind of, like, earth chatter.
Speaker 2
I wish no one would talk to me unless I talk to
Speaker 1
them first
Speaker 3
and chatter. Just If only if only you could just have that boundary all the time. That is a fantasy. But it but I will to give them credit, they were awesome the whole time at that. And everyone, you know, when they came it was I would the best way I would describe everyone at my birth was blurry. And I think and I know, you know, some women, who free birth really feel called to be on their own or maybe of just their partner. And I I kinda thought maybe I would, but in the end, I actually really loved having the the people who were there around me. And, and it was all women, and two out of the three of them actually are have are birth workers. But I and that didn't really matter because they didn't do anything real I mean, they were just there, but for the most part. But I, I did feel I liked having that support, that kind of circle around me. And, also, they it was just really great to have people doing things in the background, like cleaning and getting me I I always wanted I had I ate a lot of different snacks. Like, I would I would be like, I want banana, and give me oatmeal, and I would take, like, one bite and then never touch it. But
Speaker 1
Well, it sounds
Speaker 2
like you felt deeply cared for and how beautiful. And that is what every laboring mother, you know, should feel like unless she, you know I I actually think it's quite rare that women wanna be truly, truly alone. And often the women who choose to be alone, it's from a place of that they don't have the magical, respectful support.
Speaker 3
Absolutely.
Speaker 2
You know, and so that you had this unicorn team that really listened to you and really respected your space and wasn't highly disruptive and was able to be blurry, like you said, is so beautiful.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I'm so grateful for them, and and I feel, like, really happy that I I thought put a lot of thought into who I wanted there. And like I said, I I talked to them a lot. And so I definitely would suggest doing that to anybody who's think who wants people at their like, just really be clear with yourself of what you want them to do and because I think, you know, I've just heard stories of it going the other way and, I don't know. For me, that was I'm I'm really happy it turned out that way, but I did, like, put in that work, you know, to get it like that. And and I just have a lot, you know, those well, I felt very cared for, like you said. So so, yeah, that was a a really, like, awesome kind of blurry just things happening time. I was in and out with they did eventually get water in the tub, so I would go in it. But then when I go in the tub, the sensations would kinda be they'd slow down, which felt nice to me. Like, I'd get a break. But then I would feel like, no. I need it I need to feel more. I need to get out. So I was I was in and out. I was on the toilet a lot, on all fours, walking. I was basically in almost every room of my house. I would go outside, but then I felt weird because I I was really pretty noisy throughout it all. And it was the middle of the night, and I felt like I shouldn't be, like, growling outside in the middle of the night just to wake up my neighbors. So I tried to be quiet out there. But, occasionally, I'd go out and, like, look at the mood and then come back in. And, so then I remember towards kind of the end of this act, I would say, I wanted to be in a squat. And I I might have my body might have been bearing down a little bit before this happened, I think, but but I still don't really feel like pushing didn't feel right. But I remember wanting to be in a squat, so we grabbed the Squatty Potty that we have and put, like, one of our couch pillows on it. In retrospect, we probably should've covered up that pillow, but we didn't. We put just, like, a decorative pillow on top
Speaker 2
of the Squatty Potty, and I
Speaker 3
sat on it. And as as I was going through, a contraction, I I had to throw up, which I had already thrown up a couple times, but it was very different than the hyperemesis throwing up. This was, like, felt good. It was, like, productive. It it always felt productive. Yeah. And I I was throwing up, and as I was throwing up, I felt a big gush of water. And I remember thinking, like, maybe I'm peeing, but
Speaker 2
I don't think I'm peeing. And after it
Speaker 3
ended, I was like, I feel like I have to pee, so I'm pretty sure that wasn't peeing. And so and I think I told them after it happened, like, pretty sure that something something opened up inside of me because this pillow is decorative pillow from our couches now soaking wet. So they, like, took it, and and I think my husband smelled it and was like, that does not smell like pee, so I don't think it was and then I went and peed after that. So I was like, yeah. Definitely, my water broke because I wouldn't have had to pee still if I'd peed that much. And so pretty much right after that happened, I felt a shift in my body, and I felt like, okay. Now I mean, things just did feel different after that. And I think I did start to feel a little bit like my body was kind of bearing down, but it was really light. And I remember thinking, like, should I push or should I not push and and really not knowing. And I would kinda try to sometimes, and then it didn't feel right, so I wouldn't. And then but then it would be really intense if I didn't push. So I that was this is act three. That was the start of me feeling very confused. Mhmm. And, I don't know how long this period of time was. It was several hours. So, this it was still nighttime, but it was like the night was starting to end, and I think I was aware. I think I saw the time. And, you know, as I said, I had felt really like, oh, this baby is coming soon. And I really had wanted to wait for the fetal ejection reflex, but it wasn't happening. I wasn't feeling it, and so I started to feel like, what the fuck's happening? Like, why why am I not push I I don't know if I should I be pushing? Should I not? I don't know. I kinda I would put I was sort of trying to check myself, like, just feel, like, what I felt. So I would I would touch, put a finger inside and see. And I would feel, like, a firmness, but then, like, a a soft tissue in front of it. So then I started to think about your story
Speaker 2
and which actually my doula friend called me out. She was like, this is Emily's story, not your story that
Speaker 3
you're like, but then I started to say to everyone, like, what if I'm pushing on the swollen cervix?
Speaker 1
Wait. My my story is supposed to help people not do that. Stop. But it may be you.
Speaker 3
I know. Well, that's my thing.
Speaker 2
And it was funny when my friend was like, Kim, that is not your story. And
Speaker 3
and you really There wasn't any swollen cervix. I know. And and which is, spoiler, exactly what happened to me. Yeah.
Speaker 2
That was supposed to be the takeaway.
Speaker 3
Well, so this was really when I look back, I think of this act three as really when my my mind took over and when and and my birth worker mind because I started kind of you know, I have never seen, a free birth to it's, like, like, all the way. Like, I I have been with people who intended a free birth, ended up
Speaker 2
in the hospital. So I
Speaker 3
had never seen really, truly, like, an undisturbed birth. I may have seen some pretty hands off home births, but but even not that many. So I started kind of and not pathologizing necessarily, but I I would just kinda I was, like, thinking a little bit more than I wish I had about births I had seen. But I didn't but also I just felt like I have never seen anything like this. I don't know how to place this. You know? So I I kind of, it was just it was the mental wall that started to build, and it was it was getting taller, and I was feeling more and more lost. I started to feel like a ship lost at sea, and I just, like, didn't know which way is north and which way is south. And, that connection to my baby that I felt that I really had previously, it went away. And I I didn't feel like anything was wrong with them. I never, throughout my the whole labor, never at any point did I actually think anything was wrong. It was more I just kinda was stuck in my head.
Speaker 2
I so relate. Yeah.
Speaker 3
But I never felt I never felt fear. I never felt like something's wrong with my baby. Like, nothing of that sort whatsoever. But I I just felt disconnected. Like, I felt lost. And so I think around I feel like it was around five thirty in the morning, I was like, you know what? I wanna call my friend who's a student midwife and have her come and and check me because I had that story in my head that I'm pushing on swollen cervix.
Speaker 1
And I
Speaker 2
was like that had come over
Speaker 3
with the Doppler? Yeah. When I had asked her to. And she's very you know, she she's not a licensed midwife, and so and she's just a student, but also she's a friend of mine. And so I really trust her as a person. Like, I mean, she was definitely not gonna do anything I didn't want her to do, and it was very, and we had talked a lot about, like, if I would call her. And she'd kinda joked that if I called her, it'd probably be because I was, like, about in transition or whatever, you know, like, about to have a baby. But so I decided I didn't call her, but someone one of my friends did. And, she did she came, I think, a couple hours later. She lives far away and and and which is fine. I was still just doing my thing. But feeling, yeah, really like, pushing and then not pushing and feeling a lot of, intense, I guess I don't know if pain is the right word, but intensity in my lower abdomen. And it felt to me like the baby's shoulders were really pushing into my abdomen. And so I would kind of hold it and push it back. That just felt intuitively good, but it was like that was a really intense feeling. Like, I and I didn't like it. I was just kind of like, get out of there. Like like, don't do that. It it hurts me. And I don't like it. And so when my friend walked in, I was in the tub, and she walked in and and I and saw me. And I remember looking up and crying and being like, I don't know what to do. And that's what I said. And I said, like, I don't know what I'm doing. And I think she kinda laughed and was like, you're having a baby. And, and I and I asked, like, I don't know, anyone in the room. I I remember saying, like, what day is it? The sun had risen at this point. It was, like, nine AM. And I think I said, what day is it? What what's the date? And they told me. And I was like, am I gonna have a baby today, or do you think it'll be today? Because, again, I was thinking about you in three days, and I was like, holy shit. If this is for three days, I can't do it. Like, this is because it was such an intense night, and I was like, I don't I don't think that I can do three days at that point. And, they laughed, and and one of my friends was like, yeah. Like, it definitely today. And, and, yeah, I just, again, felt really lost. So I asked my friend, and she she didn't even say anything about checking me when she walked in. She just kind of, like, came and sat down and and was, like, in the background. And I was like, hey. Check me, please. So I, like, kinda made her I again, I was very in control, which is exactly what I wanted. So we went in to my room because that's where I wanted to go. And, and it I had I was interested in what a cervical check would feel like because I've never had one, and I I thought it would hurt. And I didn't it didn't feel like anything, but I was fully open, so maybe that's why. And she was like, yep. Good. Like, fully open. And, basically, just the baby was up high still.
Speaker 2
Part of why it didn't hurt was you wanted it. Yes. You were in your bedroom. You were with someone you trusted. I mean there were so many components to why this
Speaker 3
There were a lot of reasons. And she was very slow, and she was talking through, and she she used lube, and, like, and she used my lube. That was actually it was very, like yeah. It was really, very different, obviously, than it than most of the cervical checks that happen and extremely consensual, and I was running the show. And and I don't remember really what she said to me, but I just but it was clear to me, like, like, the baby's just high up. And in retrospect, when I when I tell people about my birth, the way that I kind of explain this period of what was happening, I'm like, well, I'm a my son is an Aries. I I'm an Aries sun and so is my child. And I was like, well, it was just two Aries, like, two Rams trying to work together. My body was like, let's do this. Open. Ready to go. And my baby was like, no. I don't not not yet. And that's kind of how it felt to me, like, for the for several hours that it was just kind of like rams butting heads, like, it was just not happening.
Speaker 2
So when she told you your cervix was complete and there was no swelling, what what happens in
Speaker 3
your energy field after that? Well, I was I think I honestly knew that, but it was, like, nice to be okay. Cool. Great. Like, nothing, you know, I can keep going. But I still felt, like, because it was, like, it was just, like, oh, the baby's up high. I it still felt very far away for me, like, baby coming. And I I still felt very frustrated, so not
Speaker 2
a whole lot changed. Okay.
Speaker 3
And, I mean, I think it it was helpful. It was helpful to know, like, that it released that story that I had in my head that I was pushing on the swollen cervix, so that was great. Like, that was gone. But I kept, like, building these stories kind of. Or I was I was just still very in my head. And so then I guess I got back in the tub, and I think one of my friends was like, why don't we leave you alone? Because it it feels like maybe because I kept apologizing. I was, like, just out. I was I kinda had left, like, the labor zone, you know, and I was, like, apologizing to everyone that it was taking a long time. Oh, okay. And, oh, that's so sad. I know. And they were all like, why
Speaker 2
are you doing that? And
Speaker 3
I stopped it. Yeah. And I I don't know. I I was just so I was so lost. And Totally. I felt And it's just that's just the wall that I had to traverse. And so they all left. Jacob stayed with me, and I wanted him to get in the tub, and he got in the in it with me. And then I started to sleep. So I would, like, fall asleep in between contractions, and I'd hear myself snore one time and then wake up and then be, like, like, back in it, and then it just kinda went through that. I was just, you know, I was tired, normal stuff, like
Speaker 2
So normal. Yeah.
Speaker 3
So while I was in the tub, I started alone, like, just with Jacob, but we weren't talking or anything. He was just there quiet, so we were quiet. And I got this the the word decimate, which, you know, you I know Yolanda says that, and you had said that to me. And I started to think about it. Like, I gotta let this decimate me. So I I remember very, viscerally that moment of being in the tub with my arms splayed out and laying back and just feeling like, fuck it. Like Mhmm. Break me the fuck open. Like, I think that's what I said in my in my head. I was like, I I this has to end. Like, I wanna be done. And that's really where the motivation was. I was just like, I wanna be done, and I want this baby out of me. And, you know, it was very different energy than previously. I had been, like, singing to them. Well, I still was doing that. I was, like, singing to them and and kind of, yeah, I just I wanted them out. And so I, I wanted a friend to come back in, I think, and so I went back into my bed. And I was, like, kinda feeling myself, and I was like, I just don't feel any change. Like, they're they're still up high. And so I remember looking at one of my friends and being like, will you just tell me something to do? Like, tell me some I just needed some direction. And she was kind of like I think she was like, well, like, what do you mean? But she just said she just said, like, well, like, why don't you try, being on your hands and knees or laying on your side, which were two positions that had previously felt good, but I'd stopped doing them because they were very intense. And I was just kind of like, okay. Yes. Like, those those are the ones that are gonna, like, hurt more. I'm gonna do it. Like, I I need this to break me open. So I went I was on my bed. I went on all fours. And then I've been I started pushing a lot more at this point. And I'm on all fours, and then I was just like, I'm going to my side. And I remember knowing that it was gonna be very intense, and I had said in my head, you're going to stay for four contractions. I don't know why I did that, but I that's what I felt like. I'd stay for four contractions, put a pillow in between my legs. It was very intense. Like, it was definitely the most sensation that I felt throughout my labor. I remember that really well. But I was pushing at the same time pretty just really, like, like, full I remember full body grunting just like yeah. I kinda felt like everything I got, and I started to feel something come out. And and I heard Jacob say something like, woah. And and then after the fourth one, I flipped over. I stood up, and this is where I felt the most badass. I stood up on my bed, like, on my feet, and put my hands on the wall or by the window and just started, like, roaring into the window. And I think I remember thinking, like I remember looking outside and being, like, okay. The light it's light out. It's okay for me to be this loud. Oh. Because the
Speaker 2
And I wish that we had I wish someone had run outside and taken a photo of you from outside in that way.
Speaker 3
I know. That would be so amazing. Because I was just like, like, and pushing and I felt and I was like, what is this coming out of me? And I guess all my friends had come back. I didn't realize they were all in the corner. And, someone said, like, oh, it's a piece of the sack. And a piece of the sack, like, a perfect teardrop water balloon with what fluid in it was, like, hanging out of me, and I fucking hated it.
Speaker 1
Like, I was, like,
Speaker 3
tearing at it. It was, like, I hate how this feels. Like, get this out of me. And, so I was kinda pulling at it, and I and I remember one of my friends saying, like, I I think I I think I kept I said again, like, when is this over? And one of my friends was like, I think the baby's head is nice. Yeah. But but I was just so You said that you're naked, pouring in the window, pushing.
Speaker 2
I think I know. Close to me.
Speaker 3
Just I would, like, come out of contact, like, after the contractions. I I would just kinda come to this place and be like, when am I done? Like, I felt kinda like a little girl in a way, like, a child that was like like, when's this done, mom?
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
And, Are we there yet? Yeah. And in retrospect, I feel like that's what my support people were really grateful because I kept saying that, like, and they would be really encouraging and just be like, you're doing it. Keep going. And and that's all they did, you know, and that's all they needed to do. And then so while I'm pushing, I remember hearing someone say, Jacob, you should come back. And I was like, what? He's not here? He's like, I
Speaker 2
had my back. Went to the store.
Speaker 3
I had my back to everybody, and I was like, what? And I was like, Jacob. I yelled. I was like, where is he? And later, he told me his side of the story that he had realized it was happening soon, and he had to pee really bad. And he so he and he didn't and he was just kinda like, I have to do
Speaker 2
it now because once the baby's here, I'm not gonna wanna pee. So he had run to pee and he's
Speaker 3
like he said he's like pushing with all his might while I was pushing with all my might, like, trying to get his pee out. And he heard them call him back in And because I guess I
Speaker 2
think maybe the baby is crowning.
Speaker 3
I don't know. But The most stressful pee of his life. He said he didn't even get it all out. He just was, like, came back in. But, and that was funny because I was just like, why are you not there? Like, you're the one person I want right there. But so he comes back, and he's, like, kneeling behind me. And I put my while I'm standing up, I put a finger inside, and now I felt definitely head. And I felt fingers wiggle, which was really cool. I just felt three little fingers, like, moving. And that then I think in that moment, I was like, okay. I am almost done. And I'm like,
Speaker 2
where did you feel them wiggle?
Speaker 3
Just by the head. Like, there was I think he had his hand yeah. But I think it got pulled back in because when he came out, his head came out. But he must have been getting his hand by his face because I could just feel very they were definitely fingers. Very distinctly, like, they wiggled at me, which is and I remember I don't think I I didn't tell anyone I felt that until later, but it felt like a little message to me. Like like, hey. I'm here. I'm almost here. Like, you're doing it. And I really needed it because I kept getting into the space of, like, I wanna be done. And I remember looking at the flowers in that moment too and just kind of of and I think I said a little prayer to, like, nature. I had something that made sense to me at the time of just kind of, like, be with me, like, give me all my strength. And then I went on to my knees, after I felt hit the fingers, and, and then I just pushed with everything I had, and the head came out and basically, like, a push. And I still I don't I don't think I even realized that's what happened, but somewhat and I think I said, like, what have I done again? And my friend said, the head is out. And, and then it didn't feel good to do anything else, so we I just waited. And so the head was out, and Jacob was behind me. And I'm just, like, breathing, and I didn't really hear anything happen. But there I do my I was told and I saw, in the video that Jacob said, oh my god. They're so beautiful. And one of my friends said when he said that so the baby was just, like, blowing bubbles and hanging out of me, and Jacob's right there looking into their eyes. And, my friend who had attended many births said that was the moment that broke her when he said, oh my god. They're so beautiful. And because she was just like, I've never seen a partner, like, say that or feel that about that. And and so she said she just started sobbing in that moment.
Speaker 2
Aw. And way nicer than what my husband said. He was like, it has a face, but it does look like a gorilla.
Speaker 3
My my best friend from childhood told me that, who was there, that when his head was out, she thought that he looked like a cartoon ghost. Yeah. Oh my god. That was no. She told me that, like, right after like, once things kinda settled. She was like, it was so cool. She loved it. She was like, it looked like a cartoon ghost hanging out of you. It was really cool. I was like, cool. I'm glad that's how you felt. So we waited and, I didn't know at the time how much time passed, but later I was told it was about two minutes. And then his body just flopped out. I didn't even push. It just kinda flopped out, and Jacob grabbed him and then, put him, like, under my knee, and I kinda turned around and grabbed him right away. And, I think I sat down. Well, I remember I think maybe the first thing I said was, oh, you have a penis because I saw I remember seeing as he was being put under my legs that he had a penis, and that was, how the genitalia was announced because no one else had seen it, I guess. So just by me saying you have a penis. And, and then it was as soon as he's out, I was just like, hello, baby. Hello. Hi. You're here. Like, it was just like everything else was gone, and I was suddenly, like, a child meeting their best friend, and was like and I didn't cry. I but I remember looking up as I was, like, you know, kissing him and and looking at him and talking to him, and and I saw everybody in the room was sobbing. And I think I said, like, you're all crying, and I'm not crying. And I've I just felt very I like, I was in a very different place.
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
I felt kinda high, but in a really good way. And, I don't know. Just like it but it was funny to me that they were all crying, and I let but I liked it. And and then I also the other thing I said that I remember saying clearly was, oh, you look like your daddy. And I was like, you
Speaker 1
look nothing.
Speaker 3
Yeah. No. And I think I said, like, you don't look anything like me, and I did all that work. And so you and he still doesn't look a lot like me, but that's okay.
Speaker 1
He's got
Speaker 3
time. He's only ten weeks old. Yeah. He it'll change. But, and then everyone I'd asked everyone to be quiet, so they were crying, but, they were quiet crying silently in the corner. And and I had Jacob come. I was like, do you wanna I also remember saying, like, do you wanna touch him and kiss him? And so he came over, and we're just both, like, touching him and kissing him. And he's, like, crying and moving around and coughing and looking great. And, I think I occasionally would look up and be, like, everything cool? And and my friends were, like, yeah. It looks great. And I was, like, okay. In the back, which I just kinda I just kinda needed that from, like, a outside perspective. Like, does he look good? Yeah. It's fine. And and it which is funny that I asked because they're just, like, in the corner, and
Speaker 1
they're like,
Speaker 3
like, like not like? Yeah. Seems fine. But they but all I needed was to hear, like, yep. Looks great. And I was like, cool. Great. Thanks. And so back at it. And then they helped me kinda get situated into a more comfortable position and put them on my chest and try to need them to latch on. He didn't latch on immediately. It took a little bit more time, but he eventually did. And then the placenta, I just kinda felt when it was time for it to come out. And one of my friends, like, grabbed a bucket, and I asked her to kinda grab it. And I just kinda pushed, and it came out, and she, like, grabbed it. And, I think I touched it. I feel like I remember looking at it a little bit, and then we just kept it in the bowl. And then and then once the placenta was out, everybody left the room. I think the placenta came out after, like, ten minutes. It was pretty fast, maybe fifteen. It wasn't that long, though. We're still in very much in the initial flow of, like, just, you know, you're here. And then they all left the room, and we were alone and, with him and just kinda hung out. And we called our families, did a brief FaceTime to just be like, here's the baby. Okay. Bye. And, and they brought me food, and we were hanging out for a while.
Speaker 2
And
Speaker 3
then after that, after a few hours, I wanted to take a shower. So my friend and I had talked about this, and my dream was to take the shower with her, and it was exactly like I dreamed. Like, she got naked and got in the shower with me. We're both naked, and she was washing me off. And we were just, like, crying happy tears, and and she was like, you did it. Like, it was very beautiful. And, my bed was like a massacre scene. Like, so much blood everywhere. And so they helped us move we moved to our the guest bed, while everyone cleaned up. And so, then Jacob and I hung out with baby while they, like, washed our sheets. And, that was really nice to have people just, like they just did everything. And the house was, like, clean when they left. And, so nice. And then we we burned the cord about, like, five or six hours after he was born and, did said a little prayer and a thank you to the placenta. And, one of my friends had left by then, but two of them were still there. And they were I had wanted them to be involved, so they helped, like, hold the candles. And then we sang happy birthday after Oh. When we and blew out the candles, which was really sweet. Oh, that's sweet. And it just that just kinda spontaneously happened. It was really cute. I think someone started to sing, and I was like, oh, this is nice. And then another friend left, and then my my best friend from childhood was the last one to stay. And she she was amazing. She just, like she was like, there's still more sheets to wash, and she, like, helped put the sheets back on the bed and, made sure we were good before she left. And I think it was, like, six PM, and it was like, you should really go to sleep. It's been almost twenty four hours since you've slept. And so finally, she but I loved having her there. And then we were on our own, and I pretty much stayed in bed for a few weeks. So moving on to my postpartum, the first five days was just us. We didn't want any family to come for the we just wanted we were gonna kinda decide what felt right to us, and five days felt good. So, we had occasional visitor, like, friends that would come and bring us food, and but no one really stayed that long. My birthday was three days after my son was born.
Speaker 1
Aw.
Speaker 3
And, so my best friend came and brought me dinner. I chose some dinner I wanted, and and we that was kinda nice. And I so the initial days, I'm feeling like like, woah, intense, more pain. Well, not well, yeah, pain, I guess. My vagina felt crazy. Like, it felt every time I laughed and coughed, I felt like things are gonna, like, fall out of me. And it was really weird, and peeing was like a whole thing. So I really didn't get out of bed hardly at all because it was just it did not feel good, and it was, like, too much work. And so I think my on my birthday, I I went out into the living room, and that was, like, the first time I went out into the living room, and that was three days after. And I only for a short time, and then I was like, I gotta go back to bed. Yeah. So that felt right. I really just stayed in bed. After five days, my my parents came, and, and they were really wonderful help. My mom loves to clean. She's, like, just the it's like a hobby for her, so she just, like, got ready and cooked. So she's really ideal, like, postpartum support. Can I
Speaker 1
have her come to my house next time?
Speaker 3
She would. She like, anytime she goes in any way and and she doesn't do it in, like, a mean way. Like, she's definitely not judgmental. It's just she let she likes to do it, so she'll just start doing it. It's great. She was just here last week. My house is so clean right now. And so, yeah, she just they took care of us, and and Jacob was around for the whole first four weeks. He he left maybe a handful of times to do a few things, but mostly he was around, not really working, which was really nice. My parents were here, and then his sister came, and then his parents came. So the first four weeks, we had pretty much
Speaker 1
most
Speaker 3
of the days we had someone here that was cooking for us and cleaning and just doing the dishes and laundry and Mhmm. So we didn't really have to do that. Right. And then after about four weeks or so, I kinda wanted to start doing some of that, so so I started to a little bit when it felt like I wanted I I kinda did feel a little stir crazy after four weeks. And, and then at week five, we had the free birth society, gathering at my house, which was awesome, and I and I felt really great in the moment. And then the next day, I was like, oh, I pushed it a little too hard. Really? I didn't tell you that.
Speaker 2
Weeks when we did that.
Speaker 3
No. I think he was five. Five. Oh. Yeah. It was
Speaker 2
but I I mean,
Speaker 3
I had felt really good, so I felt like I was feeling good. And, But you were, like, up and standing. I was. I was standing a lot. And so my and my bleeding had mostly stopped, but then I started bleeding again. So the next day Lover. But it was my fault. I, like, could have been sending more than I was, but I was so excited to, like, talk to everybody. And Yeah. It was a really nice gathering, so I have no regrets. But then it kinda hit it was like another bump a little bump in my postpartum where it was like, hey. You have pushed it a bit too much, which has happened a few times throughout these. Like, I have since exercised a few times, like, gone on some bigger hikes and done yoga. And, a couple of those times I had a little spotting, so I just kinda try to listen to my body when I notice that. It's like, oh, you know, you're still not fully healed. And And you don't
Speaker 2
know till you know. Right? Like, it's Yeah. It's a learn it's not like you were standing at the gathering being like, I don't wanna be standing or doing yoga. Like, you yeah. It's a it's a weird postpartum healing is a weird thing.
Speaker 3
It is weird, and and I had some frustration around it. Like, I really wanted to be healed. So I didn't say this yet, but, basically, the the second he was out of me, my hyperemesis was gone. Like, I immediately felt really good. I actually in the first two days was, like, I felt amazing because of all the hormones. I mean, even though peeing was hard and pooping was scary, and so my vagina felt like it was gonna fall out every time I laughed. And my whole life Other than all that, I felt great. I felt, like, better Yeah. Better than I had. But that just shows you, like, how shitty the hyperemesis was because if, like, newly postpartum body felt better to me than than my pregnant body, it's like when I think about that, I'm just like, oh, yeah. It was fucking rough. But, but I am so grateful. Like, everything about the birth felt very liberating after that pregnancy because I was felt so debilitated and not like myself during pregnancy. And and so as soon as the baby was out of me, it was like I came back into myself. And, actually, my best friend, I think when she came for my birthday, she said to me, like, you know, I didn't really realize how not you you were until, like, I see that you're back now.
Speaker 2
I mean, it's what people say about, like, chronic pain, you know. Yeah. Like, we you become a different person when you're having to navigate a chronic physical uncomfortable to painful condition. It totally makes sense.
Speaker 3
It did actually make me, really think about my priv I actually did think a lot about people with chronic pain. Yeah. I really, like, checked my privilege around that because it was, like when your whole day becomes, like, about working around your condition, and that's what it really was with hyperemesis was, like, I had to plan my whole I always had to have food on me. I'm there were all these little tricks and things that I had come up with, like, how I could, kinda cope with it and get just get through the day. And, you know, I've never I've never I have I'm able-bodied, and I have that privilege, and I've never really had an experience like that. So it was really that was very humbling and eye opening around that, and, I still feel like I have a lot to learn, around that. But it it did open a door for me that I was like, oh, shit. If not, you know, I need to think about this more. Because it's really how it felt. And yeah. So so, actually, postpartum was, healing of the pregnancy for me. So looking back at all the experience, definitely, the pregnancy was the hardest. I would I said this many times to Jacob, and I I still feel it. I would give birth fifty times in a row if it meant not being pregnant. Like, the birth was way easier than the pregnancy. And, and when I had to go to the hospital for fluids that time in my second trimester, I remember when we were going and it was just I felt like I was dying when we were going in in the car to the hospital. I remember saying, birth is definitely gonna be easier than this. Mhmm. I can confirm it was. Wow. That that ex that experience was so much worse.
Speaker 2
Well, and it's so intense because you can't get out of it.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Because it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2
To freaking deal. You can't opt out, which is the same theme with birth, obviously. It's, like, it doesn't really matter. You kinda have to just go through it and deal with it as best you can.
Speaker 3
Yeah. But you know that's gonna end it. So, really, even when I felt the most lost and I was like, when this is over and when this is over, a part of me still knew, like, it was gonna end. Of course. And, you know, and and I never felt like I needed any like I like I said, I never felt like I needed any outside help or anything. I knew that
Speaker 1
it was all me, and I
Speaker 3
knew that I had to do it, but I also had to go through those parts of, like, questioning myself and being like you know, I would say things I definitely said during the parts where I was really challenging, like, I can't do this or, like, I totally get why people have epidurals. Like, I definitely said things like that, and I and I do feel that. Like and that was true for me, but I but I also had to push through it. And I am and then I was so proud of myself that I did. And, you know, that that feeling is truly, like, nothing else. Like, just getting through it and then seeing your baby and being like, I fucking did that myself. Nobody told me when no one managed me. No one told me what to do. Nothing happened to me. You know? I've been doing a few other, like, moms groups and and connecting with other moms, which feels really good to me to do in postpartum and kind of in various places. And, but I always feel not uncomfortable, but maybe a little bit. I will say I'm a little uncomfortable when when there's birth story sharing. Like, I was in that class, I was doing this, like, a fitness thing and and we're sharing birth stories because everybody's stories are really sad. Well, there's a lot of, like, people processing their trauma and talking about all the things that happened to them. And then when I tell my story, it's just so different, like, so wildly different because everything from my pregnancy on was just, like, nothing happened to me that was from another person. You know? It was it was all, like, just me. And I sometimes feel I don't know what the feelings are. They're really com I feel a lot of feelings. I feel really sad and heartache for that women have the story I don't know.
Speaker 2
But Yeah. But your your story is critical. Your story is critical in those spaces, you know, because we can so quickly, we are, as a culture, so quickly forgetting that choices like yours and stories like yours are even available. And so I hear you. I mean, obviously, I hear trauma stories every freaking day.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
And and we have to have women who don't have trauma stories. And Yeah. You have your own trauma stories from other parts of your life.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Right? Like, we all do. But it's interesting. I noticed that I have I have this I've started to say, like, well, the traumatic part for me was the pregnancy. Like, I have to justify, like, I didn't have a traumatic birth, so I have to say, like, but I had trauma here, which is kind of weird that I feel like I have to do that.
Speaker 2
Would you but would you classify your
Speaker 3
pregnancy as traumatic? No. It was difficult because I Of course. I have experienced actual trauma. Like, I have been sexually assaulted. That to me is was a trauma and definitely not like that. But, but there are, like, triggers. Like, there are certain foods and certain
Speaker 1
things that,
Speaker 3
like, bring me back and then I'm just like, oh god. I can't move. Yeah. But it's not yeah. Not traumatic, but definitely the out of the whole journey, so far, the most difficult. Yeah. Breastfeeding has been really lovely. I I'm really grateful for I haven't talked about that yet. But it was and, you know, the first week was kind of like, what are we doing? Feeling very and I did feel like I and I had a lactation consultant come because I was feeling again very like, I don't know what I'm doing. And then after she left and she was actually very hopeful. But then after, like, that week, I kind of was like, alright. We just needed to figure some stuff out. And then once
Speaker 2
we did, we were fine.
Speaker 3
There are no issues, really. And and that's been a lot of it. It's just kind of having these moments of, like,
Speaker 2
what am I doing?
Speaker 3
This is a new thing. I'm feeling really lost. And then sometimes I reach out and ask somebody for help, or sometimes I Google things and then regret doing that, or sometimes I ask, in a community or ask someone else or sometimes I don't ask anybody, and I just, like, figure it out myself, and then we figure it out. And that's really been this whole period of time is just kind of, like, figuring it out. And then I remember the first forty days coming to an end, so the first, like that's about six weeks, and feeling very, like, still not healed. You know, I know that's, like, the number that women are given. Like, alright. You can go have sex and exercise and do all these things, and I wasn't ready for any of that at all at week six. And I'm still just now, like, starting to kinda feel ready, and it's ten weeks, but, and still not fully ready for all of for going back to, like, how I was before with with exercise and sex specifically. But, like
Speaker 2
and will never go back. Yeah. Right. You're forever changed.
Speaker 1
You're I
Speaker 2
can forever change. Ever changed. Your body's forever changed. Your spirit's forever changed.
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Yeah. There's so much I
Speaker 3
guess by go back, I mean, like, inconsistency or, like, you know, or or in doing it as many times as I did before. Like Yeah. Especially with exercise. But, yeah, in six weeks, I still felt really fuzzy. And even though, like, I would describe my postpartum as as really quite joyful, and I had a lot of support and and pretty smooth overall. I had my breakdowns, of course. I cried of over things and had a lot of hormonal sweeps and, challenges. But, overall, it was a really, like, lovely fun time. It was a lot of fun times to it. But, yeah, at six weeks, I was just like, wow. The this is crazy that this is when women are told, like, and go back to your life now. Like, I was not I'm not ready to go back to work at six weeks. I know. And I I did and I did write a post about that on my Instagram, and I was just like like, this is I can't. Yeah. I it's really heart heartbreaking to think about that. I can't imagine. So it was just let alone having to leave your baby. So I have I have left him, we were talking about this before, a couple times, a handful of times since he was born, for two hours has been, like, the most time. So definitely not a work day. But in each time, it's been for, like, ads to go to the dentist. And I went to take yoga class, which felt really good, and I'm glad I did it. Or, I went to the grocery store by myself one time because I wanted to. And each of those times, I felt like, at first, it was hard to leave, and then I left and I was like, I'm free, and it feels great. And, listening to loud music or whatever, just feeling a little bit like myself. And then right at the two hour mark, I'm like, I gotta go back to him. And every time I, like, walk back in the house, I'm like, he's probably gonna be crying. I know. I know. And he's fine.
Speaker 1
He's fine.
Speaker 3
It's us that's a mess. Yeah. But I still don't feel ready to really leave him for more than a handful of hours. Well, no way. That's, like, biologically
Speaker 2
totally counterintuitive, you know, because he nurses every couple hours. Right? Totally.
Speaker 3
And so I gotta and and I'm like, I can feel my milk coming. Right. I'm like, what it's like I gotta go back. And it's just crazy to me that I know that the larger culture does encourage women to, like, go you know, I had a lot of clients who's, like, their parents are, like, go on a date or, you know, go do things by yourself. We'll watch the baby. And they're, like, no. I don't want to.
Speaker 2
And Right. Like, come back in a year, please.
Speaker 1
Come
Speaker 3
Yeah. Babysit every fucking day when they're twelve months on, but not yet. Yeah. That's yeah. I have said that to, like, my family, like, you'll get a lot more time with him later. I promise. Of course. Like, there's definitely gonna be a day when I'm like, can you please take him? I need, like, a lot more time to myself.
Speaker 2
But Of course. He's a newborn.
Speaker 3
For right now, I don't, you know but there's a lot of big contradictory feelings or paradoxical feelings that happen, which I know is normal and just those feelings of, like, you know, feeling like, oh my god. I I just if only I could, like, have some freedom and but then not really wanting the freedom, it's it's kind of a funny, interesting way to feel. It's all
Speaker 2
to, like, redefine what freedom is.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Definitely. And we found we find our little systems that work for us and, like, sometimes Jacob will he stays up later than me anyways. He's more of a night owl, so there's been times where he'll hold him in the couch. Like, he'll be asleep and he'll hold him and well, I sleep by myself for an hour or two and that is really great and then I, like we we co sleep so it's nice to just, like, pull the covers up to my chin. Yeah. Right. When when the baby's not in the bed, I'm like, well, I love to do that even just if it's, like, five minutes or just, like, huddle in there or I, like, spread out like a big x.
Speaker 2
I know.
Speaker 3
And that's kind of, yeah, where I'm at now at ten weeks, like, feeling, that, like, I guess, our normal is our things have kind of settled, and I'm feeling, like, into our new normal. And, and then and I, overall, really love it, and there are definitely times where I feel lonely, are definitely times when I feel a little lost still or, like, I'm just figuring things out. But, overall, I'm I couldn't be happier being his mama. I named him River Ramon, and, yeah. I I love being River's mom. It's it's really just the greatest. He's he's so beautiful and, just an amazing little creature. And you did it. And I did it. And I I do still feel very proud. I love thinking about my birth, actually. And I love I love that, I'll I'll walk into different rooms in my house and I'll get flashbacks of, like, what like, I'll, like, walk in my kitchen and remember being, like, on the we have a little island thing that we put there, and I remember, like, twerking at the island, like, shaking my butt. Or I'll remember, like, yes, standing in the bed and roaring out the window. And it's so beautiful to have those moments, and I'm and and those memories. And I'm just so so profoundly grateful that I had that that I made this choice, that I had you know, my life took me in this direction and that I was able to and that it felt perfectly free to me because the whole time I was I was making my decisions and I was autonomous and that was all I wanted. And, you know, I don't have any regrets about wanting to be checked or the doppler or any of that stuff. It's like, because I wanted it. And, that's the whole point is that I I chose to free birth because I wanted to have the birth that I that I wanted, and I wanted to feel like I was in control the whole time, of my body. You know? Right. I wasn't expecting you to take control at all.
Speaker 1
Like, I
Speaker 2
feel like you have to say with
Speaker 3
an asterisk, like, you're not actually in control. But Yeah. Totally. But there are ways that, yes, I was in control. And, and I did, and I got that. So So good. I'm so proud of you. So happy
Speaker 2
Thank you. Sharing this with everybody and, you know, so many people have followed your story, and this will be really fun to put out there and inspire many. Thank you all for following along with me.
Speaker 3
It has been funny. I have actually met some people in the community who had listened that I didn't know and few like, just in different places. So, like, oh, I know who you are, like, listening and then So weird. Get to feel, like, small like, low key famous. It's just, like, it's really fun. But it's funny because I sometimes forget that I even did this and so people will be like, oh, yeah. I know your story and And I'm like, do you? How do you know? That's cute. And I actually I actually was pretty private about free birthing in other spaces. So, but I think now that I am through it, I feel a little more confident or just more like, okay. This is what I did.
Speaker 2
Totally. That makes perfect sense.
Speaker 3
So, yeah, thanks for following along.
Speaker 2
And this episode concludes season two, my friends. We will be back with season three before you know it. If you love this podcast, leave it a review on iTunes. Join our private community. Join our mailing list. Buy our course. Come to our retreats. You can find out all about the awesome stuff Freebird Society is offering on our website, freebird society dot com. Until next season, thanks for listening.
