Speaker 0
Welcome to the Free Birth Podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning, exploring, and celebrating their autonomous choices in childbirth. Together, we'll unpack truths, share personal stories, and claim our ability to birth freely and intuitively. Here's your host, host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 1
There are many ways to interact with Free Birth Society. These include our incredible offering, The Complete Guide to Free Birth, which is the most comprehensive online course available on how to give birth in your power. We also have a beautiful free birth meditation program called the sovereign birth meditation series, designed to help you release your fears and actualize your dream birth. Our latest course is called Through the Veil, a profoundly personal, radical pregnancy companion program by Yolanda Norris Clark that offers the opportunity to travel with Yolanda as she moves through the last trimester of her most recent pregnancy and invites you into her birth room to witness the birth of her eighth child. And if you're looking for a deeper connection and the opportunity for sisterhood in community with radical, like minded women, the free Birth Society private membership is for you, and you can apply on our website to become a member. We also offer personalized one on one transformational coaching with a focus on learning the tools to move out of victim consciousness and towards self responsibility, skills that translate to freedom, not only in the context of birth and mothering, but in every area of life. And finally, we are offering all of you, our amazing listeners, the free gift of Yolanda's twenty minute birth affirmations audio recording, a gorgeous soothing meditation that every pregnant mother should have. So just head on over to our website at free birth society dot com, sign up, and Yolanda's affirmations will be sent directly to your inbox. We are closing out twenty nineteen with a beautiful story. It's one of loss, reclamation, growth, and freedom. Leah joins me today to share her experience of discovering halfway through her first pregnancy that her daughter had passed. Leah speaks to how that inspired her to claim her birth experience in total power, love, and autonomy.
Speaker 2
Well, it's so crazy what I was just sharing with you about how I woke up today. And since since we last spoke, I'm like, okay. It's my due week. I wake up today. I think, oh, I think I'm pregnant. And then I just look at the calendar, and I was like, I gave birth three months ago today. And, like, there's just all this stuff happening, and it's so crazy because this this is kind of, like, how my motherhood journey started was that I was so obsessive and controlling about, like, my ovulation and my tracking and my diet and my healing and, like, everything was, like, so overly controlled that it kind of, like, sucked the magic out of it. And I was, like, waiting to get pregnant until, like, this specific date, and and we got pregnant right at that sex time. And, you know, it was, like, really cool that throughout my pregnancy, there was this feeling of, like, that I'm too controlled and I'm killing the magic. You know? So I guess I'll just take it back to, when I conceived with my partner. And we were calling in a baby girl. And, I had just, like, felt her so strongly. Mhmm. I had actually been feeling two spare babies around me for about the past ten years. And I kept thinking that I was pregnant with twins, and I was just, like, very neurotic in my pregnancy. And, anyways, so my pregnancy was, like, even though it was a conscious conception and all this stuff that sounds one way on paper, my actual reality of it was so exhausting and draining and unmotivating and, like, depressing almost. And that was a really hard reality to face after there was, like, so much planning that went into it.
Speaker 1
Just because of who you were and how you were organizing around this pregnancy?
Speaker 2
Yeah. I just was shocked that when I actually was finally pregnant that I was just a miserable, like, strange, depressed version of myself. And so as that as that time passed and I continued to be pregnant, I started feeling really healthy. And I was choosing to have, a, I guess, just like a wild pregnancy. I didn't have a doctor. I knew that I was going to free birth my baby before I ever got pregnant. That was always the plan. And, Tell
Speaker 1
me a little bit about that. How did you align with that with the first baby?
Speaker 2
Well, now that I've listened to your podcast so much, I laugh because I thought my story was, like, so unique. But just like everyone else, you know, I found that woman, Laura Shanley. Yeah. Shanley. I found her work and the business of being born when I was, like, eighteen years old, and it just blew my mind. And I remember thinking this woman is psychotic. Like, this is insane, but also she's so intriguing. And I just kind of, like, put it on the back burner. And as my time of being a mother drew closer, I was like, yeah. I'm gonna do that. That's the only way to do it. Yeah. And, yeah. So I guess I just knew. And I and I, live pretty far outside of what I would call the mainstream. Like, I've always been my own health care provider, and, I don't see doctors. I don't take medicine. I don't really, like, prescribe to any of those things. So it just made sense for me Mhmm. To take such an intimate experience into my own hands. Right. It was what I do with everything. So, Yeah. So my pregnancy, I started feeling really, really good. And, you know, my belly was growing to that point where you wake up in the morning and you just go, woah. Okay. It's another day. Like, it's just bigger and bigger and bigger. And, you know, I think I was about I was, like, around twenty three weeks pregnant. And, my mom came to visit. And this was a really pivotal moment in the pregnancy because I've had, like, so much tension with my own relationship with my mother. Mhmm. And I really felt like I was carrying my daughter. And the day that my mom left, I was bedridden. So I just started sobbing. I was bawling. I was so depressed. I felt like I was just, like, dying. And I stayed in bed, and I lost my appetite. And when I got up a few days later, I thought, wow. Like, hosting is so exhausting. That was kinda my thought. And I got up and my belly had shrunk, like, a lot. And I I felt that something was not right. And this is also sort of it's like my weakness and my strength that I just always feel like everything is okay on a really deep level because I think that's true. And everything is always okay, and everything does always work out. And I'm so connected to that part of myself that it was tripping me out to feel like everything is okay. And then on another level, like, something is terribly wrong. So I kind of teetered back and forth with these things for probably, I don't know, five days. And I thought, okay. I need to get my weight back up, and I started just, like, binge eating hamburgers and all of this stuff. And that then nothing was was working, and that nagging feeling of something is not right. It just it persisted. So I thought, okay. This is this is what an autonomous pregnancy looks like. Like, I'm listening to myself. And although I've chosen to do this alone up until now, like, I'm getting the feeling that I need to get something checked out. So I was kind of like, well, I don't wanna see a midwife, but I thought, no. This is this is the whole point of being in charge is that I'm in charge. So I got into a local midwife around here, and I had an okay ex experience seeing her. And she wanted to do, she wanted to use the doppler, and she also wanted to send me to an ultrasound. And I could tell that whatever I was going through was outside a little bit outside of her comfort zone. Yeah. So I I chose not to use the Doppler because if I was gonna get an ultrasound, I didn't wanna do both. So she ordered me an ultrasound, and then that took another week. So there's all this stuff going on. And so from the time that I experienced my first feelings of something is not right until the time I was sitting in an ultrasound was, I think, two, two and a half weeks. It took that long. So, yeah, really the whole the biggest trauma in this entire story for me is the part I'm about to share. It's not even the birth part. But so I had to drive, about an hour and a half to get to this strange ultrasound clinic in a suburb, like, mall parking garage place, which I told my partner, don't worry about it. I'm I'm just gonna go. Like, you can stay. He had something else going on, and and we kind of teetered back and forth. And he really felt like he should come, but he stayed home. And I go into the office and my heart is, you know, racing kind of like how it is now. And I got called back and and I'm I think you know this, but maybe I'll just share this for people who don't know. So, generally, there's an ultrasound technician, and then there's a doctor. And they're two separate people. Well, I guess in my situation, it was two separate people. So I was told by the ultrasound technician that, you know, she was gonna do the ultrasound and that I would talk to the doctor after. And she was pretty friendly at first. And she put that gel, like, all over my belly, and she turns the ultrasound machine on. And immediately, I just see my dead baby floating. Just like kind of like, you know, I it was just so strange, and my heart just dropped. And she did not say a fucking word. She was silent, and she just kept doing the ultrasound. And somehow, I just disassociated immediately. And I had, like, another part of my brain come in that was, like, everything's fine. Even though I'm visually staring at the dead baby, I somehow was not processing the dead baby. And I was, like, no. The baby's still alive. Otherwise, she wouldn't be doing the ultrasound.
Speaker 1
How did you how did you know? Was it really just that obvious?
Speaker 2
The dead baby?
Speaker 1
Right.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I mean, she just it's like as if I mean, imagine a real life dead baby, like, floating in the ocean Right. Where their legs and their arms are just kind of dangling. And, I mean, I've seen pictures or videos of other people getting an ultrasound, and you see the baby, like, moving around. And this baby was just floating.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And that
Speaker 1
compounded with this bizarre stranger alien experience with with this woman not saying anything.
Speaker 2
Yeah. She just turned into a cold, lifeless shell of a human. And, I mean, of course, it's uncomfortable for everyone. But as as a care provider, even if you're just an ultrasound tech, like, couldn't you be human and, like, put your, like, I don't know, look at me and just be like, I'm really sorry. Or
Speaker 1
Well, she's not allowed to share any any information. Right? And then and then also, she has to shut down the human part of her to be a part of this technocratic model that has you know, they're like drones. And that's not to say that every single ultrasound technician is like that, of course, but I hear the story from so many women. This the same words, this lifeless, just inhumane energy. It's it's so I mean, I I feel so sorry that that was what you experienced, and I feel so sorry for that person's life. You know? Like, that's her chosen job. Like, thank God you can go home and, like, be with people who can feel, you know?
Speaker 2
Yeah. I've I've tried to find compassion for her. Or I don't even know if it's compassion, but just trying to wrap my mind around, like, her discomfort Mhmm. With that situation. So she continued the ultrasound for about twenty five minutes. What? Yeah. And I just sat there. And that's how I convinced myself that everything was fine because she just kept going and she was measuring every little part of every little thing. Obviously, there was a disconnect in my psyche because I was looking at something and, like, not processing it.
Speaker 1
Well, in the environment you were in is totally bizarre. I mean, it it completely contributed to you not processing it because that makes total sense to me. If someone were to continue it, I would totally look for reasons of why what I'm seeing wasn't true. I think that makes total sense, but, you know, Anne, this really highlights the many, many, many, many branches of cognitive dissonance and and disassociating, from our bodies that industrial, you know, birth model, creates.
Speaker 2
Yeah. It so then she stops the ultrasound and sends me into this little square room where I'm sitting at a table, and I'm waiting for this a doctor to come in. And so he walks into the room. I've never met him in my life. I've never seen him. It's not really a doctor's office. All they do is ultrasounds at this place. So he sits down and he says, I'm really I'm really sorry, but your your baby is dead. And your baby has been dead for maybe seven weeks. And at this point, I just lost it because, well, first of all, he was wrong. And second of all, I was immediately just so disgusted with myself that I had been supposedly carrying a dead baby for seven weeks. I just, like I was crawling in my skin, and I was like oh, it was it was terrible. And I asked him why. He said, you know, your baby is, like, very waterlogged, and she's already break or not she. They are already breaking down, and we're not really we're not really sure. And he told me I was I thought I was twenty six weeks on the day of this ultrasound. He told me that this baby had died around nineteen weeks. And I knew when the baby died. I felt it. I had this whole experience. It was at twenty it was around twenty four weeks. And I've I've had time to reflect about this and talk with a few other wise women. And, you know, this doctor had no idea that I was about to go home and free birth my child. This doctor was trying to schedule me to get induced. And I think that he was actually doing me a favor by telling me that my child had passed at nineteen weeks. Because once you hit twenty weeks of a pregnancy, you have to fill out paperwork. You have to get the county or the whatever involved. I think you have to have a burial. Like, you have to go through all of these processes.
Speaker 1
Yeah. It's it's considered a a person. It it goes from being a miscarriage to a stillborn. And so the the stillborn needs a death certificate. And exactly, you couldn't just, like, bury the fetus in your backyard. Like, there's absolutely. There's a, you're absolutely right. And so that that is interesting because a part of me just wondered, like, I wonder
Speaker 2
if he did that on purpose. There is I think he did.
Speaker 1
You know? Yeah. That's interesting.
Speaker 2
Yeah. He had he had no idea what I was about to go do.
Speaker 1
Of course.
Speaker 2
And and I think most people in my situation would go get knocked out, have this thing sucked out, do whatever women do because they don't know their choices, their options.
Speaker 1
And Well, not compounded with that feeling of crawling out of your skin. Like, that compounded with the only option to be what you just described is, like, of course, that's what of course, that's the response. Right?
Speaker 2
Yeah. So he he essentially lied to me, and I'm thankful for him. I'm so thankful that he was kind and, you know, he didn't push me to hurry and schedule my thing at the hospital. He just said, I'm gonna give you time. I'm gonna give these people your phone number, and you have time. Like, you can go home. And he was super nice about it. He told me the baby was about the size of my hand or something. You know, I think he was just trying to downplay it for me and for the sake of of legal things.
Speaker 1
And all they can do is guess. Right. Right? Like, of course, he wouldn't know why the the baby didn't stay viable. Of course, he wouldn't know exactly when the baby passed. Like, there's no way that, someone outside of you could concretely determine any of that. So, I mean, I I believe that if anyone could, it would, of course, be you.
Speaker 2
Thank you.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Of course.
Speaker 2
So, the doctor left the office and, you know, I called my husband. And he'll tell you to this day that this this phone call is one of his deepest traumas of his lifetime. You know, any I've last week, I yelled out for him in the house, a really casual yell, and he came upstairs just like, are you okay? What's going on? Like and it just told he told me it triggered that phone call. So, like, anytime I yell out for him
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
I'm careful to be like, everything's okay and can you help me with x y z?
Speaker 1
Well, it's only been three months.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
I mean, you're that's still that's still real fresh.
Speaker 2
Yeah. It's it feels like a lifetime ago, which is the crazy part.
Speaker 1
But then you have those you have those markers like him, you know, running up afraid. You know? He you have those markers, I think, that really speak to how fresh it still is.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Exactly. I have
Speaker 1
a I have a question. Yeah. So when you went into the ultrasound or even agreeing to the ultrasound and going by yourself and and everything you just shared and, you know, having this feeling for two weeks that something was wrong, Well, first of all, one thing I was wondering is did you and your partner discuss the possibility of the baby having passed prior
Speaker 2
to
Speaker 1
this ultrasound? Like, was it even on your radar as a family? I think,
Speaker 2
yes. Very much so. And it was not fully conscious. Mhmm. You know, he every day when I was pregnant, especially around that time before the baby passed, you know, he's grabbing my belly in the morning and, like, how's my baby in there? And, you know, and as soon as I had that as soon as the baby passed, he knew, and he was like, I'm sorry. Like, I just don't feel like I can touch you. Mhmm. And, you know, I just I can't get excited until you go to the doctor. That's all he kept saying was I just I can't but there was never a a fully conscious conversation of, like, I think the baby died.
Speaker 1
Okay.
Speaker 2
You know? And it's even funny because while I don't know if it's funny, but it's interesting because while this while the baby was dying, I had this thought come into my mind of maybe I was having twins, and maybe one of them just died.
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Which is really funny because no, there was actually one baby and the baby did die.
Speaker 1
But it's an understandable that's an understandable thought.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Because it felt like death. Mhmm. So so, yeah, he he he knew something was wrong. We both knew. But I don't I don't think it was fully present that the baby had passed. And, now that in retrospect, I understand when it happened Right. And I understand my, you know, my emotions and my hormonal acne just exploding and, like, all of the things that that led to the ultrasound.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So you leave you leave there. You have this information validated for you. You call your partner.
Speaker 2
Yes. I'm just I'm fucking hysterical at this point, and I just, thinking I'm a fucking idiot. How could I how could I have lost this baby? I was just so hateful towards myself and, like, I'm disgusting and what is everyone gonna think of me and, you know, every irrational, emotional, childish thing coming out of me.
Speaker 1
Yeah. But those are those are really learned those are really learned thoughts, you know. It does open up this conversation that, like, in in our society, the most, you know, evil, ugly, you know, thing to do is to lose a child. You know, women are so vilified against it. Women are so shamed for it. You know, there's really a very, very, real and obviously horribly misplaced, you know, cultural, misogyny, you know, that that as you already know, our culture holds some space for women being the bearers of life, but no space for women being the bearers of death. And it it's just such an interesting conversation because we are not responsible for the life and death of our babies in utero. We are the instruments, but, you know, I, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say almost a hundred percent of women, you know, with a wanted pregnancy, want their baby to be born alive and well, right? I mean, of course. Mhmm. And so if we were responsible, all of our babies would live, right? Like, if we got to make that decision, all of our babies would live because we want our babies to live to live. It's our it's our biological imperative, you know, it's our spiritual imperative, all of it. But anyway, so so it's I've heard I, you know, I I know I work with women who have who have experienced loss, and it's such a common feeling from from miscarriage all the way through to full term loss. This feeling of, like, repulsion and and at yourself and this, like, gross feeling of failure or, yeah, what are people gonna think of me? And it's is there really a sadder thing, you know, that that's that that's our programming to think that in in such a painful time to, like, be compounded with those extra, you know, nasty thoughts.
Speaker 2
I I know myself and I know that I don't go to those places hardly ever. Mhmm. And so I think I just needed to get that out. Mhmm. But for anyone who has lost a a baby, especially further along where you can already feel where they are and everything, it just feels really creepy to be, like, looking down and you can feel the shape of the baby, but you know it's dead. It's just this kind of, like, you're trapped in your body. You can't get away from this thing. You know?
Speaker 1
So tell me a little bit about what happens for you where kind of the obvious path laid out for you by the doctor is to go, you know, get get anesthetized and and have the baby removed. What happens for you that you obviously don't go and do that? Tell me about that Yeah. That part.
Speaker 2
I'm not exactly sure what my options were for for this baby. But when I was at the appointment, the doctor told me because I said, well, what what the hell am I supposed to do now that this baby is dead? I wanna go as far away from this as possible.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
And and now I'm stuck with this reality, and what the hell am I supposed to do? So he said, well, you have to give birth. And I just thought, no. Like, that's not how that wasn't the plan. Like, I planned this. You don't know, but I planned every moment of this, and this is not the plan that I had. You know? So he didn't tell me he said I would have to go in and get induced with Pitocin and that I would actually have to labor and give birth. He didn't give me an option that I could have the baby sucked out, For forgive me for, like, my crude, terminology. I don't know the correct terms for all these things. But
Speaker 1
Well, I mean, it it is a it is a vacuum, you know Okay. What you're referring to. It is and it is quite, it is quite dark because they they do break the baby up into pieces in the vac with the vacuum.
Speaker 2
Okay.
Speaker 1
And the baby comes out in pieces. So it is it is a rather crude process.
Speaker 2
Okay. Yeah. He told he didn't give that as an option. So I'm really I still don't know if that was an option. But as far as the story goes, it wasn't. And so, you know, it took me about twelve hours to, just even come back into my body after the news and to remember that I know how to give birth. And I just had this moment where I was I just said, snap out of it, Leah. Like, you the plan that you had, the control that you think you have, like, all of that, it's over. It's done. Like, you're not living in reality. And this is reality, and you have to face it. Like, you can't just, like, live in this other bubble about all of your baby plans because they're not real. And I had to have, like, a little pep talk with myself, and it was it was like, a tough love kind of pep talk. And I just I snapped out of it, and I said, okay. Like, I I have the hospital calling me. They're leaving voice mails. I'm ignoring them, and it's time for me to call back my birth plan. Like, what is my birth plan? Because I'm not having my nightmare birth at a hospital right now with a dead baby on the other side. Like, it's just not happening. And so I started reaching out to, my sister who's a birth worker. One of my best friends is a birth worker. And, you know, I just started calling my people, and kind of, like, asking people, like, how do I give still birth? Like, I don't know anything about this. I actually had a I was able to talk on the phone with Yolanda. Mhmm. And she she really helped ground me into reality reminding me that, yeah, it's birth. It's the same thing. Like, stillbirth is birth and just really grilling that into my mind. So in an ideal picture perfect reality, I thought, okay. Well, I know my baby's dead, so hopefully, I will just go into labor. I would love that. And it wasn't happening. And I was realizing that it could take days or weeks before this process just happens. And, as much as I'm, like, an all natural do it yourself type person, I was like, I can't I can't sit here with this dead baby for six more weeks or three more weeks. Like, I just can't. I need to move forward with my life. So, I chose to find some misoprostol, which is, known as the abortion pill. And, I planned that I was going to induce myself with that. So, a little back into story mode with it is that I had called my girlfriend who's a birth worker, and she was planning to just be my best friend at my birth, at my full term birth. And when I called her, she said, I'll I'll drive down right now. She she had to drive down about six hours from Humboldt. Mhmm. So she said I'll come I'll come right now. Like, we'll just do do what you're gonna do. And, there were so there was so much fear mongering coming at me. Through my sister and my girlfriend and their larger communities, they they were reaching out to I didn't have the capacity to get online and start talking with people. I just, like, outsourced that. And, you know, people were just they couldn't believe that I was gonna do this at home, and I was gonna bleed to death, and my baby was gonna come out in pieces, and just like the absolute terror that people had that I could potentially just do this at home, you know. And no one was supporting it. And then they also would say, but let us know after. You know, like, oh my god, like, how could this how could this woman do this? She's this and that and this and that, but let us know. Like, this totally disgusting thing. Yeah.
Speaker 1
I mean, and it never ends. Right? Even with a live baby, it's the same treatment. Even, you know, from conception to postpartum, it is mind blowing to the mainstream who don't think for themselves and who don't make their own, sovereign decisions. You know, it is mind blowing because they've never seen it. It's like left the cultural, zeitgeist or whatever the right word is. It's not in their sphere as a safe reality because everyone has been scared into the hospital for everything. So it's this kind of like fascination and horror, you know, that mainstream people have about a woman, making sovereign choices against against, you know, what they know to be, like, the only safe way. So it doesn't end with with, you know, I mean, it's it's you already know this, obviously. It's it's constant. Even even, like, not taking your kid to a pediatrician or, like, not wanting to give them a vaccine or, like, any anything. Right? It's just, like, horror and fascination at the same time. So, but anyway, okay. So you're navigating all of that and you are really aligning with, I'm gonna get the miso, I'm gonna have I'm gonna pass this baby, I'm gonna birth this baby in my home. Mhmm. I'm gonna reclaim and and I'm gonna accept reality, align with reality, and and still have a birth that feels, like, safe and intuitive.
Speaker 2
Totally. Yeah. So, you know, the the crying and all of that sort of energy burned out pretty quick for for me and for my partner, and we just got down to, like, business. Yeah. And I was just, like, preparing what are the things that we need to do this, and it's time to just shut everything else out because I have a really huge task ahead, and I can't be distracted. So I, I had let's see. So I started cleaning the house and mopping the floors and doing the laundry and just, like, really deep cleaning the space. I I had been planning to birth upstairs in that space that you just saw earlier. And, I was doing, some meditation earlier in my pregnancy of what my birth was. And I had envisioned it a certain time of day, a certain space, everything, like, all these little details. And as I was setting everything up, I realized, oh, this is the birth that I've been journaling about the whole time, except for the baby's not alive. And the thing is, I could never see the baby alive. In all of my journaling, I could see the labor. I could see the I could see everything except for, like, a crying baby at the end. And so I just thought, you know, this is this has always been my story. And really, like, claiming that as, like, no. This is this is and was always my path. And, it's time that I get to step into that instead of being some victim of a reality. You know? Right. And that
Speaker 1
and that this, like, this beautiful this beautiful, you know, idea that death doesn't have to be a punishment.
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 1
You know, that it it can exist as it does without a story, and and even without resistance. You know? And and, of course, our whole culture experiences death unless you're like a hundred on your deathbed, you know, experiences it as a punishment to everyone else. And that it doesn't have to be that. That loss and death is is absolutely a part of a woman's story and a woman's womb and, our collective womanhood. And it just sounds like you just did such a beautiful job of, like you said, claiming it and aligning with it and just being like, okay. Like, let's let's just do this as best as I can.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Thank you. There was so much journaling during the pregnancy, like, knowing that I was choosing free birth of contending with death
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
And and contending with just what, like, what is it gonna look like if I actually take responsibility for myself? And I think that was such a hard part of my journey towards rebirth was taking responsibility because it's it's easy it was easy for me to be a victim. And I was scared to take responsibility because what if something happened to the baby and it's my fault? Like, what will people think and what will I think? And, I can say with confidence that that it was nothing like that. And taking responsibility was just it was completely empowering Yeah. To me. And Yeah.
Speaker 1
And that I find that the more responsibility I take, the more the concept of fault and blame don't exist. Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So let's see.
Speaker 1
So you're setting up your space. You're you're deep cleaning, without naming names, how do you get the miso?
Speaker 2
So I was able to contact a local midwife, who actually doesn't want to be named. Surprise. And she was, it was interesting because she really didn't wanna give it to me. Mhmm. And I kind of had to make a plea to her and I said, look. Like, this is my birth. This is what I'm doing. I didn't ask. I said, this is what I'm doing. Are you gonna be the person that supports me? Because I'm gonna do it with or without you. And if you help me, this will make make it a lot easier in my reality. You know? And, you know, she went through all the, dangers and risks and, you know, she was really scared. And and that's okay. Like, it doesn't have to be in her scope of what she's comfortable with.
Speaker 1
Well and it's interesting that she even had it. Like so what is she using it for? It's, you know, it's CytoTech. So she's using it for, you know, a a last, a last ditch effort to prevent hemorrhage, you know, postpartum, like, so she's using it in this totally different
Speaker 2
Mhmm. You know,
Speaker 1
I I it sounds very clearly like most licensed midwives are not carrying Cyto Tech, you know, to help women pass, you know, cases that are no longer viable or or for abortion support.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I mean, a a good midwife, however you wanna put that, would I'm sure keeps that on hand for all the situations that women experience. But it's, depending on where you live and what kind of access you have. And, thankfully, if she wasn't gonna give it to me, I was just gonna go down the line and I live in an area where that's that's how it is here. So I'm thankful for that.
Speaker 1
So you get the miso.
Speaker 2
Yeah. So I I I get the miso and, my girlfriend shows up and we just kind of have a slow day and we knew that, I was going to start the process in the evening. Okay. She had traveled down with her twin three year old daughters. Woah. And so who are amazing, but they were we wanted to make sure that, you know, they could be sleeping or Yeah. Yeah. So, so I retreat upstairs into the bath, and, I oil my whole body and just, like, get in there and I start to meditate. And I have this very powerful vision come into my mind of, my mother. And how I'm reminded of this mantra that I said early pregnancy of I am not my mother. I am not my mother. I am not my mother. Because my mother has has preterm births. Mhmm. And all four of us preterm and really low baby weight and just, like, not not the birth that I wanted to have, you know. And so she come there's this vision that comes forward, and I see that we can never not be our mothers in one essence. You know? Like, we can choose different outcomes, but we can't rid ourselves of our mothers, you know? And we're not supposed to, I don't think. And I saw how there's, like, birth karma and, like, things that connect us through the womb space. And I saw I have two other sisters. I saw how each of those sisters played out a birth similar to what my mom had. Like, one being an emergency or not emergency, but, like, a c section, and then another one being, like, a very preterm labor. And then I looked at myself and I I all of a sudden remembered that my mom's fifth pregnancy was a stillbirth. Mhmm. And I thought, wow. Okay. This is the birth karma that I share with my mother. Like and I remembered how traumatic that experience was for her. Like, terrible. And I thought, wow. Like, no matter how much self work we do, like, there's these things that we have to play out. And here I am. I could have easily been whisked away and replayed the same trauma. And in a split moment, I chose something else and that that's healing. You know? That's beautiful. Yeah. So in that moment, I I really felt like, okay. This is supposed to be happening. This is my path. Like, I could I could get one hundred percent on board with this. And, you know, the evening progressed and around seven thirty, after just, like, praying and meditating. I had all of my herbs and things, like, just in case for all these risk factors, and I just I let them all go, all those fears, and I just was like, look, Leah. You think you can control everything. You could have never controlled or even conceived of what your reality is right now, and so you have to just trust that it leads somewhere and that you can't control it. So I just had a moment of surrender completely. And I took I took these pills, vaginally. And within about thirty minutes, I started having sensations. And I thought, wow. Okay. Because also when I read online about the pill, it said anywhere from three to, like, forty eight hours or something. So I just said, I have no idea what what's in store for me, you know? So, I'm having sensations. I send Amanda Ring, her name, and Casey, my my husband. I send them to bed. And I get into the the hot tub outside, and the stars are out and the full moon was coming up. It was, like, I don't know, a few days past full, and I'm just, like, laboring and looking looking up at the moon and just, like, really moving through these contractions. And I have a feeling like, okay, I need to get out of this tub. Like, I feel like I need to be inside. I feel too exposed. So I go upstairs, and my poor husband is snoring so loud and just passed out. And I'm thinking, oh, I don't wanna disturb him. And then I'm like, it's my birth. This is my birthing space. So, you know, I start just, like, moaning. I can't I can't really control the sensations. They're getting, like, really strong. And I had taken a second dose of medicine at this point. Out of nowhere, I have this this intense urge to rip my pants off. And it's like something primal. It's not like a conscious mind thing. And I rip my pants off, and then all of a sudden my water just, like, bursts everywhere. Oh, it's such a relieving feeling when your water breaks. Oh my god. And I thought, okay. Like, this is happening. Casey jumps up out of bed. He's stumbling over shit, trying to grab towels, and he wakes up Amanda. And, it's just full fucking throttle from there on. Just and I I have never this was my first pregnancy, so I don't have any reference for what birth can look like. And I'm thinking this is seems more intense than normal. Not that I know what normal is, but I just feel like, okay. I don't even have a break. It's just contraction after contraction. And somehow, you know, I'm really, like, cold, so I'm wearing this turtleneck and wool socks just with my Yoni out, just, like, marching. I'm and I can't relax either. I was hoping I'd be one of those laboring women who's, like, laying in bed and I'm having this, like, sexual
Speaker 1
Not on two rounds of side attack.
Speaker 2
No way. Yeah. That's a
Speaker 1
really different thing.
Speaker 2
I am marching around my room having contractions. I flip on my birth playlist. I'm sitting at not sitting, marching around my birth altar space and just the sounds, they just start coming out. Like, these sounds, I could not even replicate them if I tried. They were coming from so deep inside of me, and they were just shaking the house. And it was just to the point where I was losing my voice, you know? And I finally end up in the bathroom on the toilet. And I'm going from standing up during a contraction and then squatting and then standing up and squatting and standing up and, you know, just over and over probably five hundred times. And I almost it almost feels like like an exorcism of sorts. And I am so high, and my pupils are just completely dilated. My amazing birth attendants, you know, are just completely removed. They never talked to me. They never touched me. You know, they're sitting in the dark just completely holding it down. My husband at this point, is sitting a few feet across from me just watching, not trying to fix anything. He was, like, the perfect man. Because no one wants to see their partner like that. You know? And I and he wasn't like, oh, can I rub your hips? Can I he just was silent? And and, you know, I called in I called in Amanda Ring, and I had a feeling that I was, like, in transition. But I didn't know. I've never given birth. And so I'm asking her, how much longer? How much longer? And she's like, longer than you think you can handle or whatever. And there was just this look between us. Like, we both kind of knew where I was, but there's no way either one of us was gonna name it because what if we're wrong?
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
You know? And I decide to hop in the shower, and, I asked my partner to get in. And that lasted about five seconds before I'm yelling at him to get out get out of my space, you know? And, wow, the sensations are so intense, and I squat down, and I call Amanda back in, and I just somehow there's this space that opens where I'm not having sensations. And I tell her, I am so defeated. I cannot do this. Like, how much longer? I just can't do this. And I think I wanna get pregnant again, and I'm gonna have to give birth again. And I have, like, this kind of pity party for myself. And then my next contraction, she crowns. And I feel I guess it's a mini ring of fire because it's a mini baby, but I feel the ring of fire. And I'm squatting down with my hands on the tile, and I just reach under, and she just glides right out into my hands. And it's so wild because you think you're in the worst pain of your life, and then just like in the blink of an eye, it's it's gone. You don't even feel or I didn't feel any pain. Like, it's the opposite of pain. And so I'm I'm holding her in my hands just right under my vagina, and I'm scared to look down.
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
You know? So I asked my partner, you know, could you replace your hands with my hands or whatever so that I can look down. Because I just I don't feel like I can look down. And and then he's like, yeah. I can. So so he comes towards me, and her her cord was, I don't know, maybe eight or ten inches long. Very short cord, so I couldn't actually lift her away from my from my Yoni at all. So he's holding our our baby, and I look down and I just feel, like, so much relief. I just think I just all I could say was thank you, baby. Thank you, baby. Thank you, baby. Like, I just could not she she was so messed up looking. And I knew I knew when I saw her and held her that it just never would have worked, you know. And, you know, I didn't I didn't even know what what I had pushed out of me. I was told it would be clots. She would be unrecognizable. She would be the size of a hamburger or whatever. She was ten inches long. She was huge. I was I was not a nineteen week old baby. And, yeah, it was just I just had so much gratitude and no sadness whatsoever. I just knew it was supposed to be. And, you know, I we put her into a little bowl, and I kind of, like, waddled over to my bed with the bowl in between my legs because, you know, the placenta is still inside. And I just lay down on my bed, and I hear the song is ending. And it's the song that I always thought I would give birth to, and it's called I Release Control. And I thought, no fucking way. And I laid down on the bed, and I just I feel wrecked. And I just I just wanna, like, close my eyes and sleep. I don't even look at the baby. I haven't touched her. I don't know it's her. I'm just I'm like, I just need to come down from that. Holy shit. And, you know, my friend, Amanda, she wants to to to touch my belly, and I tell her, no. Like, just I don't want anyone to touch me. I just need to lay here. And, you know, I I tell them I'm gonna I'll birth a placenta after the song. So I'm just laying there kind of like chanting this the song that's on and laying with my husband and just like lots of deep breathing and the song ends and I get up into a squat over the bowl and the placenta is just like whoosh. Like, it just comes right out, you know. And I thought, could it really be that simple? Like like and so and just to kind of mention, like, I never bled at all during the birth. It was a bloodless birth. And I was told that I would, like, hemorrhage to death.
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
And so I just thought, like, oh, there was never any blood. And even when she came out, there was no blood. And the there was, like, a little bit of blood when the placenta detached, but, you know, and the the hormones are just, like, just, like, flowing and, I felt like superhuman. So we I immediately get up out of bed, and we we walk her over to the altar space that I had, and we turn the lights up. And I got to spend time. I just smelled her. I touched her. I just inspected every millimeter of her body. I found out it was her. You know? And I thought I knew the whole time that it was her. And she had she she had like, now now I know what she had. It's called Hydrox. Mhmm. And it's a series of events that lead to the baby, like, not being able to, process and assimilate their fluids. And so they just become, like, engorged, and it, like, swells up into their brain. And then eventually, they just kinda die because they can't they, like, drown. And, she, yeah, she looked kind of like a water balloon baby, and she had, like, little round, like, balloon hands with, like, tiny little fingers, like, popping out. And I just it wasn't sad. I think I think if she came out looking like a perfect little angel Sure. I would have thought, what what's wrong? Like, what happened? What's
Speaker 1
why? But with this, it was so visually obvious and and probably affirming that this was this was perfect in the in the way it unfolded.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I just I I really all I could say is thank you, baby. I just kept, like, a repeat. Like, thank you, baby. Thank you, baby. And I said you were a smart baby. Like, you knew. And thank you for doing it when you did it because I didn't want to deliver you at thirty seven weeks. And, you know, Yeah. I mean, I had, all the same things that you would expect after you give birth. And my milk came in. My tits were, like, a size triple j. And for obviously, people can't see me, but I have, like, a small a boob. So my boobs were, like, up to my collarbones, and I was couldn't even put my arms down. And I was wearing cabbage leaves and postpartum bleeding and pads and, just I still had to go through all those things. And it was so much work to take care of myself in that time period. I just kept feeling like I am so thankful I don't have a baby because that would be so much right now. And this is already so much. And yeah. And she was not a nineteen week old baby. She was big, and, you know, I'm so glad that we we got to keep her at home, and I never had a paper trail of medical records. I was just an invisible person, and I got to have my experience, and I got to bury her on my land. And what seemed like a very normal series of events for me in that regard. And yeah.
Speaker 1
I remember when we chatted when we first met, and you were about, I think, about two months postpartum. Now you're three at the time of this recording, and I remember, you know, being really struck by your your groundedness and your your choice of words, you know, that you that you loved your birth and that you weren't sad, and that the birth of a of a stillborn, you know, it's it's so that's, like, big language, you know, to use that you weren't sad and that that you loved your birth and that you felt at peace. And that was why I wanted you to come on on the podcast to share because you're not the only mom I know who has experienced loss, and said that same stuff. But there's almost like this, you know, there's almost like this this thing that that does like, there's not a lot of space for that in in culture. It's so assumed that you're gonna be, you know, in deep grieving and in pain. And and it is not at all to dismiss the women who are grieving and in deep pain that is so, so, so, so deeply valid and, understandable and and absolutely right for plenty of people to experience loss that way. And it's just as valid and just as right that you experience loss this way, you know, and that you just you just it just is so obvious in your story that you just aligned with reality so quickly and said yes to the experience. And even even you saying like, oh, postpartum took so much work for myself and I just was so thankful I didn't have a baby. I could imagine someone hearing that being like, woah. But the thing is that is you are expressing from a space of aligning with reality and when you and the the reality is you didn't have a baby. And someday, I'm sure that you will and and you won't think the same thing, you know, like, you're you probably when your baby when when your next baby is with you, and you're experiencing postpartum, I bet you, you will never even have the thought, I wish I didn't have this baby. Right? Because you will, once again, be in alignment with reality, and and that's all that this is. That's that to me, that's, like, the biggest takeaway about your story that I'm so, moved by and that I appreciate so much is your ability and your emotional intelligence and your maturity to align with reality and say yes to that and move forward in that yes. And and that's kind of like the the the most beautiful thing that we can do, you know, and the most the kindest thing we can do to ourselves is to just go, okay, this is happening. How can I do this? And how can I how can I create a yes here in in the face of, you know, something that you never, like, objectively wanted, you know, of course?
Speaker 2
Yeah. I mean, it's just I think that's been one of the hardest parts of my postpartum is that my birth was so ecstatic. It was my dream birth, except for that my baby wasn't alive, you know. But everything about it was, it was just, like, the best thing that has ever happened to me. And that's so hard to, like, convey to people as in, like, my loss is triggering everyone else's loss story. And so, like, I found myself having to hold so much space for people in their trauma Wow. Which I've I've been able to because I feel so amazing. But it's just like, you know, even my my own mother, when I when she heard my story, she just said, you know, wow. Like, I didn't know that it could be like that. You know, her story was so terrible. And even to this day, she'll still call and and be like, but how are you? Like, she's expecting Mhmm. That I'm not okay. And and I I've really had to check-in with myself. Like, I've searched for sadness, and I'll be, like, I'll be driving and I'm I feel like, okay. Like, it's been a few months. Like, it's your due week. Like, maybe there's some sadness in there. So I'll put on, like, a really sad song and see if I can, like, conjure up the thing, and it's just, like, it's not my truth. Yeah. And I wouldn't trade it. Like, even if someone said, well, you can have your baby, but, like, you don't get that experience, I would just say no because, I mean, I'm, like, transformed at my core as anyone any woman who has given birth knows. Like, I've been blasted open, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Speaker 1
Right. And it's it's, it's reminding me of one of my favorite quotes, by Byron Katie, which is all suffering comes from not accepting what is. All mental suffering, you know, comes from not accepting what is. And what I'm really hearing in your story is deep, deep, deep acceptance. And when there's acceptance, there is peace. And when there is peace, there is no suffering. So that you experienced loss, which comes with all this like expectation of how you're gonna be and feel. But so much of the pain of loss is not being able to accept it. Why did it happen? They should be here. This shouldn't have happened. I had other plans for this baby. You know, I was gonna be you know, and they're totally understandable and zero way am I trying to take away from from the deep, deep, deep, deep pain of of loss that so many women experience, of course. And, you know, that that you are this, in my mind, this beacon of light of of an example of someone who, you know, was willing to accept it and willing to be at peace peace and and therefore is not suffering.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I just I want I sharing my story has been such an important part of this process for me because I'm realizing that there are really not stories like mine.
Speaker 1
Right.
Speaker 2
And maybe maybe there are somewhere and people are hiding them, but, like, I haven't been able to find anyone anywhere. And I just, like, I don't want people to lose their child while they're growing their baby. Like, I don't want people to go through that. But if that's their if that comes up in your reality, like, I want women to know that that's an option. And it I will go as far to say that it's the best option if if you're ready to take that on. And, you know, someone out like, for someone else, that's gonna be their deepest life trauma. And for me, it's, like, one of the richest, best experiences of my life. So
Speaker 1
It, like, set you free.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Completely. And I just really am about women, like, reclaiming these, these things. You know, pregnancy release, stillbirth, abortion, birth, like, all these things. Yeah. They are. And, that we can be empowered and, like, make these choices. So
Speaker 1
Yeah. And I definitely know women who have experienced loss who didn't suffer from it, you know, and who really saw it to be the path and the way and made peace with it. And but you're right. I think there's not a lot of people, you know, who have the spaciousness in their lives to, like, shout that from the rooftop rooftops. Totally. Yeah. So I really admire and honor that you are willing to claim it so deeply and and share this story in a public format, because those women are out there. I and they're gonna be, they're gonna be happy to hear the story. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And, hopefully, I'll have another free birth story of a life maybe in the near future.
Speaker 1
Of course. Of course. Absolutely. I'm sure that's in your future. Anything else you wanna say or share before we close?
Speaker 2
There's just nothing quite like a free birth. Yeah. I think that's all.
Speaker 1
Thank you. I really appreciate you sharing.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
Thank you. Beautiful, beautiful story and just so rich. Like you said, that's such a good word for it. It'll be so interesting to stay connected with you and and see what see what you cocreate with the universe with this next pregnancy. Yes. And I don't know if it was clear for the listeners, but you woke up this morning realizing you were in your your, you know, anticipated due week, so you would have been in your fortieth week had that had that baby, stayed alive. And you woke up this morning wondering if if you were pregnant because your blood hadn't come.
Speaker 2
That's a
Speaker 1
really, really, really magical, potent time to be sharing this story. And
Speaker 2
Yes.
Speaker 1
Thank you for bringing us along with you on it on the journey. Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Thank you for all the work you're doing, so I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1
I'm popping on here at the end to say it's been quite a few weeks since, we recorded this conversation, and Leah did confirm with me last night that she is indeed pregnant with new life. I'm sending all my love and appreciation out to you courageous women who travel with me and my guests on this podcast, and we will see you in the new year. That's it for today, everyone. Join us next week for another episode of the Free Birth Podcast. Thanks for joining us, and remember, your body, your choice. Lots of love.
