Speaker 0
Welcome to the Free Birth Podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning, exploring, and celebrating their autonomous choices in childbirth. Together, we'll unpack truths, share personal stories, and claim our ability to birth freely and intuitively. Here's your host, host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 1
There are many ways to interact with Free Birth Society. These include our incredible offering, the complete guide to free birth, which is the most comprehensive online course available on how to give birth in your power. We also have a beautiful free birth meditation program called the sovereign birth meditation series designed to help you release your fears and actualize your dream birth. Our latest course is called through the veil, a profoundly personal, radical pregnancy companion program by Yolanda Norris Clark that offers the opportunity to travel with Yolanda as she moves through the last trimester of her most recent pregnancy and invites you into her birth room to witness the birth of her eighth child. And if you're looking for a deeper connection and the opportunity for sisterhood in community with radical like minded women, the Free Birth Society private membership is for you, and you can apply on our website to become a member. We also offer personalized one on one transformational coaching with a focus on learning the tools to move out of victim consciousness and towards self responsibility. Skills that translate to freedom, not only in the context of birth and mothering, but in every area of life. And finally, we are offering all of you, our amazing listeners, the free gift of Yolanda's twenty minute birth affirmations audio recording, a gorgeous, soothing meditation that every pregnant mother should have. So just head on over to our website at free birth society dot com, sign up, and Yolanda's affirmations will be sent directly to your inbox. This week on the show, we have Amanda, who as a single mama decided to have her V back at home with just her friend present.
Speaker 2
I met my ex partner, and we we dated for, like, two months. And then we decided that we were gonna have a baby, which was, like, really fast. But we did it on purpose, but it was, like I mean, I think that the universe brought us together to make babies, and then we're like, okay. We're good. But, yeah. So when I got pregnant with him, we moved, like, hours and hours away from where we came from, which was, like, where my family is, And we moved to a place where I didn't know, like, anybody at all. So and then where we moved to was, there's no midwives in the area. So I was like, I wanna have a home birth, but I can't. So I went to the hospital. Right? And then so I had, like, a really nice doctor guy. He was a family doctor and he was, like, it it was a doctor, so obviously the visits are always quick and stuff. But, it was like a totally normal pregnancy. And I even, like, said to my mom, I was like because she's a nurse and she is very mainstream, but I said, like, can't I just not go to the hospital and give birth? Can't I just stay home and just do it? And then she was like, no. You can't do that. So I like, in my mind, I was like, oh, like, you you can't do that. Okay. You know? I guess I won't. You know? So I, like, went to my regular doctor's appointment at, like, two days before thirty eight weeks. And this was, like, hours, like, we had to drive hours, like, about an hour and forty five minutes to the town that I gave birth in from our house because, it was a very rural, like, up north Canada kinda thing. And so, we drove to, like, the regular doctor's appointment and I guess my, like, blood pressure was super high. And I don't actually have the numbers. I wish I could share them with you. I don't remember what they were. But, yes, the the doctor was like, okay. Go up to get, like, a, you know, like, a stress test or whatever non stress test. And then, I went and everything was fine. My blood pressure was, like, leveling out and everything was chill. And they asked me, like, oh, about all any other symptoms I could have had. And I was like, I had a headache the other day. It was really sunny out. So then they're like, oh. And then they went out of the room and then this doctor came in who wasn't my doctor and I'd never met him before. He was just, like, young guy, walked in and said to me, he's like, we've decided to induce you. So then, of course, I was like, well, okay. You know, like, I didn't, I mean, obviously, I should have been like, why and what are my options? But I didn't do that. So I was like, okay. So they induced me. Yada yada. We, like, stayed in the hospital and the induction, like, took pretty well. So yeah. Like, they they after after the first and, like, I guess, they gave me, like, the servo dill or whatever it was. And then after that in the morning, the next morning, they said that they usually would give another dose of it, but my contractions were, like, too much, for, like, the baby. So then they were, like, so the next step would be breaking your waters, but you're not close enough to that yet. So why don't you guys go for a walk and and, you know, whatever and come back later? So we went to the park and, like, as soon as I got to the park, my contractions got super intense and then my waters broke right there. And so, like, we went back to the hospital and, you know, it was about a thirty six hour labor of, like, crap. And it could have been, like I don't know. I think that the the specific because there's lots of things that happened and I I wanna be, like, distinct. But the like, I think the thing that really, like, fucked it all up was this, like, doctor guy that I didn't know when they decided that I was ready to start pushing even though I didn't have an urge to push at all. And then so I started pushing and then my contractions, like, they, you know, cut back to, like, very far apart. I think, obviously, my body was saying, like, oh, don't don't be pushing right now. Like, what are you doing, you crazy girl? Take a break or whatever. And the funny thing is that the doctor was like, oh, you're fully dilated except there's a lift. So I'm just gonna push it back as you, you know, push. But if I had a lift of my cervix, then I wasn't fully dilated. Exactly. So that was, like, a good anyways, that and, like, the whole entire labor, thirty six hours of, like, crap, like, horrible back labor. The the most painful thing was for sure him, like, like, manipulating my cervix. And the only the only birth story that I'd read during that pregnancy because I was like, oh, like, I didn't even consider the fact that I would have a c section. Like, that wasn't even in my consciousness at all. So I didn't really prepare myself. I just read, like, the birth partner and I was like, okay. I'm good. I'm gonna have a baby because that's what I'm built to do. But then, the only birth story I read was one where the woman was with the midwife, and she did the same thing. She pushed the cervix lip back, and then the baby was born. So to my mind, I was like, okay. I guess that's okay. Like, you know, whatever. But then, after a while, and, like, three hours of pushing, my cervix has pulled up and they said, like, okay. A few c sections. So we went down and when I got the epidural for the c section, I could hear, like, the baby's heart straight on the monitor, and it, like, stopped right as they administered the epidural. So then it became, like, scary and emergency and stuff. And then, you know, they cut him from me right away. They cut the umbilical cord right away, and they never took him from the room, but they, like, had to, you know, rest resuscitate him or whatever. So they, you know, put him on his back and stuff like that. And also, I I said, like, I don't want, you know, the eye ointment, obviously, or anything. I don't want the vitamin k shot. And then afterwards, like, when we were in the recovery room, they the guy comes in and he's like so we gave him the vitamin k shot just to help him out. And I was I was pretty, pissed off, obviously. But yeah. So that was that experience. So we got out of the hospital as quick as we could. And, I think so Thursday the baby was born Thursday morning, which would have been exactly thirty
Speaker 1
eight weeks. That's the that's the cascade. That's the rigmarole of of birth in the system. It's so so painful, and I'm so sorry that that happened. I'm so sorry that was your first birth experience and that it just got, like, freaking sabotaged.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. And when I tell people the story, because they're always like, well, why did you have a c section? I just say, like, my my first birth is actually pretty standard. Like, I've heard that story so many times.
Speaker 1
Exactly.
Speaker 2
And and I'm, like, I'm not obviously, not glad that it happened because it shouldn't have happened. Yeah. But, I mean, it definitely set me on a completely different path in my life that I wouldn't have gotten on without it. And, of course, I went on to have a free birth and, like, I've healed from that. I just, like, kinda look at it with, like, you know, bitter Totally. And and you did yeah. And you
Speaker 1
did what so many women are doing, and it's so beautiful that you took a traumatic experience and transmuted it into power. And that's that's the most, like, epic, beautiful, powerful, you know, motherly, womanly, divine thing we can do is take our trauma and transmute it into power, and you did exactly that. So, yes, of course, it shouldn't, quote, unquote, have happened because it's inherently wrong and abusive, and yet that's not gonna define the rest of your life. You took it and you and you said never again. And that's so, so inspiring, and that's something that we can do with all of our trauma around the world. You know? It's not just specific to to birth.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. I I agree. I think it's important. But yeah. So after my after that, like, I got home probably, like, Friday or Saturday, and then the or, like, my partner at the time, he went back to work on Monday. So I had, like, my my c section back. Yeah. So I was in a town that I was new to with, like, zero friends. Like, I know I knew absolutely nobody, except my partner. And then so I was alone with, like, a c section and a new baby, and that was kind of and our house was not very good, so I kinda isolated myself to, like, one room. And that was that was fine. You know? Like, I did it. I made it through that. Shouldn't have been like that for sure, but I didn't have any, like, serious postpartum stuff. You know? Like, I did get like, I realized about a year afterwards that I did get kinda weird, but it wasn't anything that I, like, felt concerned about. Like, I just felt really scared, you know? Like, I would, you know, check on him all this time. Yeah. It's normal. And and yeah. So, like, I think I'm lucky because I know that that's kinda like a recipe for not not a good postpartum. But, I, like, I think I just, like, forced myself to, like, love this baby so much even though, like, some, like, hormonal gaps were there and stuff. Yeah. But, like, we had a really hard time nursing and stuff like that. But I was really stubborn because I was like, hey. Well, I didn't have a vaginal birth. Like, I didn't give birth to my child that I was, like, supposed to do that. So I, like, definitely have to nurse him. So, like, even though my nipples were, like, bleeding and it was horrible, I, like, still managed to nurse him for, like, three years without, like, supplementing with anything. But that's just because, like, I'm so stubborn. And, you know, we got through the hard part. And then
Speaker 1
I mean, I would replace I would replace stubborn with strong as fun and powerful and committed and maternal, and you were committed to the repair, and you did it.
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 1
You know, stubborn has, like, like, give yourself the credit.
Speaker 2
Like, it
Speaker 1
it it's stubborn, sure. I'm stubborn too, but, like, you were committed, and that is such a gift to give to your that you gave your child.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. You're right. That's true. I should be nice to myself. But yeah. So that was that. Like, I'm like a very intellectual person, so I need to, like, understand everything. So basically, I got, like, super crazy about birth afterwards. You know, like, with my first pregnancy, I wasn't interested in birth very much at all. I was just like, it's gonna happen because I have a vagina, you know. And so with my I needed to understand how I had a c section, like, how what happened to me, like, why can I give birth? So I, you know, went, like, crazy on, like, birth stuff and read all the books and I actually studied to become a doula, which is the first, it's the first place I actually heard about free birth as, like, a thing. You know, like, I wanted to have a free birth kind of with my first, but with with my, doulas training, they actually made us watch videos of different types of birth, and one of them was a free birth. And it was amazing. I was like, wow. That's so wonderful, you know, for her. Like, good for her, but, like, you know, I've had a c section, so I can't do that now or whatever.
Speaker 1
How far apart are your two kids?
Speaker 2
Like, two and a half years.
Speaker 1
Okay. So you're getting obsessed with birth. You're trying to, like, heal and figure kinda put the pieces together. And then do you consciously get pregnant again, or is it kind of accidental, or what happens there?
Speaker 2
Yeah. It was definitely conscious. We like, I scheduled it from, like, the very beginning. And, like, I went back and forth. I was like, oh, maybe not at that time or maybe not at this time. But then when it came to the time that I said, like, the years later, I found, like, my old notebook that had the calendar that I wrote down, like, every single period I would have until I want to get pregnant again. Because I was like, I don't wanna get pregnant too soon. You know, they say, like, after two seconds, you have to wait. That was, like, very, very, like, specific about when I was gonna get pregnant. And, yeah, we we got pregnant on, like, the first try. Well, both times we got pregnant on the first try and,
Speaker 1
And had you already aligned with your choice to free birth when you were conceiving this kiddo? Or
Speaker 2
So I said to my partner at the time, I said, if I can't get a midwife, I'm going to do it by myself. So I still, like, thought that the midwives were, like, you know, like, the the ideal option would be having a midwife and then afterwards, like, I wouldn't go to a doctor no matter what. If I had to, you know, I'd have a pre birth. So then I yeah. So he knew that, and he was like, yeah. Okay. Cool. Like, whatever. He's always smart enough not to argue with me. But, yeah. So I got pregnant, and then I like, where we live now I live back in the town that I lived in that I moved from with my first pregnancy to my family here and stuff, and there are midwives in the town over. But they won't come to my community to give, like, to do home birth because it's too far from them or whatever. So I would have to go there no matter what. So I was like, okay. I guess I'll get, like, a hotel room or whatever. I didn't even have a midwife at this time. I was just trying to, like, you know, figure out what I was gonna do. So I, like, applied to be with the midwives right away because you gotta get in because, you know, there's only a certain amount of slots. Right? And I was lucky enough lucky enough to get in with the midwives at whatever time. But before I got in with the midwives, I did, like, start, like I found the pre birth society group on Facebook, actually. And, like, hearing the birth stories and then listening to podcasts, I was like, wow. This is so nice. You know? I wish I could do that. That sounds lovely. And then, like, I didn't know if I was gonna get a midwife, so I did actually order, like, some stuff. I got a couple of tinctures just in case I would have a free birth, you know? But, and I was already pregnant at the time. But then I did get in with the midwives, so I, like, went to see them. And I found that, like, every time I went to see them, I just felt worse after leaving their practice. I had this one midwife who every single time I would see her, she'd, like, bring up uterine rupture. And I'm, like, I under I understand, but, like, like, come on then. Like, just give me some credit here. Like, I understand. You don't have to bring it up every single time. And It's
Speaker 1
like, are you scared? Are you scared? Are you scared? Are you scared? Because I wanna scare you. Like, fuck.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. It's it's kinda crazy. I mean, like, midwives in Canada are great. And I'm sure it's the same with, like, certified midwives. Yeah. Midwives. It's like, we will put you in a nice office that has fancy couches, and we'll talk to you. And it'll be so friendly, and we're women, and we're nice. But, like, they're the exact same thing as doctors if you, like, can look past all of that bullshit.
Speaker 1
So you get in with them and you notice that you feel crappy every time you see them, so then what?
Speaker 2
So I, first of all, was like, oh, should I be really worried about uterine rupture? Like, what is the statistics? Which, of course, is like a rabbit hole because statistics mean nothing in in personalized cases. Also, there's no statistics for like, they don't differentiate. Like, was this an epidural? Was this an induction? Like, why did this uterine why did this uterus separate, you know, from the scar? So I like but even though, like, the statistics are super flawed in the situation, I did enough research that I was like, okay. Essentially, I have about the same amount of risk as a first time mom for something catastrophic to happen. Like, that's, like, what it all boils down to. So I said that to the midwife the next time I saw her because that is one thing that I really struggle with is, like, speaking up especially for, like, two authority figures. Right? Which Which is why I didn't say anything to any of the doctors ever when I with my first birth. But I said to her, I was like, well, like because she brought up uterine rupture again, and I was like, well, how much like, how many of those are, like, catastrophic. Right? Because there's, like, the partial ones that are not, like, you know, fatal or anything. Right? So then she was like, oh, okay. Yeah. And then she, like, stopped talking about it because she realized that I was, like, not taking her shit. And yeah. So I let me think. I said to my partner after leaving, like, maybe it was about two or three midwife appointments. Afterwards, I said, I I don't want to do it with them. Like, I'm not going to. I said that I would keep them on. Like, he he was worried a little bit. His main question was, like, he thought that Merlin, my first son, he thought that he got stuck, and that's why I couldn't give birth to him, which is obviously not what happened. So I, like, just I explained things to him, and then, yeah, he was, like, worried, but he got over it really fast and he realized that I was determined to attack. And so I kept seeing them because I was like, k. I'll keep seeing them so that you have, like, the security of, like, they're okay. But I didn't get like, there was no point because I didn't get Doppler. Like, I I didn't get any, like, ultrasounds. Didn't get, like, any Doppler. Didn't get any tests at all. I literally just, like, would go there and tell them that I felt fine. And then they would, like, ask me if they could feel my belly, and I'd say, yeah. Sure. And it was nice because, like, I knew where my baby was at all the time. So they would say, like, where do you think the heart is? And I'd be like, well, like, it's right there. That's where you're gonna hear it. So then, like, they were respectful in some ways, of course, but I, like, wasn't following for it. It was it was nice, but, I mean, we wanna be around women. Right? Especially women that we think know stuff. But yeah. So I had, like, stuff that I ordered, and then at this time, I was probably around twenty weeks pregnant. And I, moved out of our house and and moved into with my son and my puppy and my cat. We moved into a house with my friend, who was later gonna be moving out so that I could, like, take over her rent.
Speaker 1
Meaning that you and your partner at the time, the father of your children, the two of you split up.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. We separated. So, like, I moved out and then,
Speaker 1
And that's a I mean,
Speaker 2
that's a pretty big that's it's a
Speaker 1
pretty big deal, that twenty weeks pregnant.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. It definitely was. I feel like, in our situation at least, we we definitely, like, we have a good relationship even to this day. But I I honestly like, I feel like my body was, like, you need to have another baby, and you're not gonna find another person to get you pregnant right now. So you might as well get pregnant with this guy because you already have one kid. And then as soon as I was pregnant, I, like, couldn't send him anymore. Like, I couldn't even pretend like our relationship was gonna work, and I'm sure it was the same way for him too. So, like yeah. I mean, we obviously, it was hard. It was difficult. You know? Like, our family was breaking up and stuff, But it was, like, it was necessary. Yeah. Because you you like, it's way better to be separate and, like, try to have a good relationship with for your kids than, like, live together and be, like, absolutely miserable.
Speaker 1
Of course.
Speaker 2
For sure. And, yeah, all relationship all relation, all relationship tapes work. But, like, if they're not willing to put in the work, then
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Then there's no there's no, like, stating that you're just gonna be grumpy. So yeah. And it's funny because, like, with my first pregnancy, I was such, like, a little spoiled brat. Like, I got massages from him every single night, and he made me, like, all the food that I craved and everything. And then for the second pregnancy, even in the beginning, like, we were already, like, on our way out of relationship land. And, like, I really stepped up in that pregnancy. Like, I didn't get a single massage. Well, I got some I paid for some massages. But, like, I didn't, like I was like, oh, I'm so tired. I can't do anything. Like, I had to do everything, and and it, like, made the pregnancy a lot easier, I think. It made it go back faster. Mhmm. Plus plus having, like, an older son. Yeah. It keeps you on your nose.
Speaker 1
So you move into this friend's house to have the birth there.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. I told my, like, midwives that I was gonna be renting a hotel room because they didn't they didn't know that I wasn't gonna like, I kept in their practice. Right? They didn't know that I was planning a free birth, but I was planning on doing it at the house. And, well, actually, I should talk about those dreams if you want first because they started right when I moved into this house. I moved in, and the first dream I had was I was giving birth, and I was, like, in a hotel room or, like, a motel room or something, and there was a friend with me who wasn't a midwife. But I could tell that the midwives were outside, but I locked them out and I didn't let them in. And then I just, like, gave birth, which I had never done before. And it, like, there's no pain, but I could feel, like, everything. Like, I could feel the head coming out, even, like, the ears coming out, which, like, now I know it doesn't really feel like that in real life, but I I I felt so elated after that birth. I really felt like I had experienced the vaginal birth even though I never had before, which helped me feel like I could really do it even though, like, I still had doubts, like, can I really do it? But then, like, in my dream, I felt so guilty. I was like, these midwives are gonna be really mad at me because I didn't let them in, but whatever. Like, I had a really good experience, so fuck them, essentially. And that was the first dream that I had. And the friend that was there was just, like, a woman's presence, and she was just, like, supporting me, and she didn't touch me or move or anything. It was, like, it's really lovely. And then, the second dream I had was I ended up in a hospital for some reason, and, I was went into labor in the hospital, and I was terrified. I didn't wanna let anyone know that I was in labor because I thought that they would, like, trap me. And I kept calling my ex to, like, get him to come pick me up, but he wouldn't answer the phone. And I was, like, I can't call anyone else because my mom won't pick me up from a hospital. If I'm in labor, she'll make me give birth there. And they, like, locked me in the room in a room, because they noticed I was in labor, and so I was, like, super stressed out and angry. And I didn't actually give birth in that dream. I was just, like, desperate to escape, like, the hospital. And then the the other dream came later, but I can tell you tell it now so it's with the other two if you want. It was, like, I was with my, my sister who's also, like, very mainstream, and I was in labor, but I was also someone else, like, watching the birth as well. And, anyways, like, I, like, started, like, giving birth, and then my sister was started freaking out. She's like, we've gotta get this baby out. We gotta get this baby out because the head came out. So she thought that it was, like, an emergency to, get the baby about, like, as best as it could. And so I was, like, watching this happen while also being the person giving birth, and she started pulling on the baby's head to get the baby out. And then the baby's head popped off like a doll's head, which is, like, comical to think about. But it, like, when I was pregnant, it was, like, absolutely the most disturbing thing to, like, see and experience. And it was, like, so, like, disgusting and earth shattering. And I woke up the next morning being, like, okay. That wouldn't really happen. Like, that that's not that's impossible. But on the Freebird Society group, someone posted a link that was like, can you guys please explain to me how this even happened? And it was like the I think it happened in twenty fourteen or something. A woman in the UK's baby got decapitated by her midwife. Right? So I was like, what are the chances that that would be my dream? And, like, then the fact that it was a midwife who did it, I was like, no. I don't. I absolutely will not let the midwives out at my birth. Like, even though they're probably not gonna pull my baby's head off, like, no. It's not happening. So then from that moment on and that was probably around, like, thirty weeks. I was like, definitely, I'm one hundred percent sure. And even though I was sure, I was still like, am I really gonna do this? Like, am I actually gonna have a free birth even though I was fully preparing myself to have one? And I guess I can take you into the birth now. Is that yeah. Okay. The, so, yeah, my pregnancy was really normal, and I was, like, had prodromal labor a little bit, which I never experienced the first time because I was confused. Right? Right.
Speaker 1
So I
Speaker 2
was like, is this is this gonna be, like, something happening or blah blah blah blah? And that happened for, like, about a week. It was just, like, every time I would go to sleep, I would wake up and they would be gone, which was, like, really annoying. But, also, I was really excited for that, you know, because I hadn't had it the first time.
Speaker 1
And, like, it's Totally. Yeah. You hadn't had it. And to be clear, so what was your vision for your impending birth? Like, who was gonna be there? What was that gonna look like for you? Right.
Speaker 2
Yeah. So even though even when I was with my partner, I told him, like like, from the very beginning, I was like, I don't think I want you there. Mhmm. I didn't feel like he was a very good partner to have a a birth, which I know, like, probably sounds not very nice and people are like, I'm no wonder they broke up. What a bitch. But, like, the truth is that he just, like, isn't the best at that. Like, he gets really scared and quiet and it's not what I need. Like, I'm really affected by people's energies and his energies are not what I want in my birth. So he was, like, offended, but he was okay with that. And I honestly thought that I was just gonna do it by myself because, like, I was, like, I think that I I wanna just, like, be alone and give birth. But I also didn't know if that's what I really would want. So I asked my friend who, like we were just just becoming friends, but she was my only friend. And we had sons that are the same age, so we got pretty close pretty fast. And I said, like, will you be at the birth? She said yes. So, that's what we were planning for. And I was like, I'm probably not even gonna call her. And then, like, just as, like, the labor was starting, it got so intense so fast that I was, like, called her right away. I was like, come now, please. But,
Speaker 1
that's actually her son, and did you guys have both your kids, or were they not there?
Speaker 2
No. They were not there. I didn't, when I was in labor, my son came to say goodbye. Like, my my ex came to bring him. And and I was so vocal, and he had this one specific song that he liked to sing, which was a dinosaur train theme song. So I like, he asked me to sing it, so I was singing it, and then, like, a contraction came to, like, screamed in his face like a whale. And so he, like, ran out of the room. He was terrified. So, like, okay. It's probably best if I don't have him at like, for the birth because it's not gonna be quiet. Like, I'm gonna go go go crazy.
Speaker 1
So it was truly just you and your girlfriend?
Speaker 2
Yes. It was we were all alone, and it was wonderful. I went into labor, that night like, one night at, like, around four in the morning, I woke up and the contractions were so much that I couldn't see through them, essentially. So I, like, got up and started cleaning the kitchen. And, actually, my ex was staying with me at the time. He moved out of the place that we lived in before, and he was gonna stay with me for a little bit after the baby came until he found his own place. So he, like, was, like, oh, like, are you okay? What's up? And I was, like, yeah. Just go into my room and speak with Merlin so he doesn't wake up. And I cleaned the kitchen and stuff, and then, they left probably around, like, ten in the morning or something. I was like or, like, nine because I was, like, getting vocal already. Like, it was picking up pretty quick. And then so they went to the park or wherever. And then at around, I would say, twelve o'clock, in, like, the afternoon or, like, noon, I called my friend and I was like, hey. It's time. So she came over probably around, like, one or two. And it was like I went I set up, like, a whole birthing room for myself, and it was, like, all special and beautiful. And I went in there with, like, my crystals and and labored, and it was so intense. And I listened to some, like, drumming music and, like, just let it, like, really take over me, and it, like, got intense so fast. And that is one thing to note about my first birth is I didn't make a single noise because I was so uncomfortable in the hospital, and I didn't like, I was just terrified, like, it didn't even occur to me to make noise. Like, I'm not a vocal person. So going into this birth, I was like, I don't think I'm like a vocal laborer. I don't think I make a lot of noise.
Speaker 1
You're like, no. Think I make a lot of Exactly.
Speaker 2
Exactly. And I live, like, downtown. You. Yeah. It was it was good. I live downtown, and I could, like, hear people outside the room, like, walking down the street. And they I could hear them chatting, and I was, like, screaming. Yeah. I'm not, like well, it was okay. I was just, like, my thought was, like, oh my god. What do they think is going on in here? Because I'm, like, you know, moaning so loud. Like, my eyes are gonna fall out of my head. It's, like, so intense. So, yeah, my friend came and I, like, got in the bath and that was nice. And she, like, was super sweet and lovely. She just cleaned my whole house, which was perfect because, like, my I was, like, tidying the kitchen, but I didn't, like, do a very good job. And and then I don't even know. Like, it would just got so intense and then I realized I was sitting on the toilet and I realized that, like, my body was pushing. And that, like, terrified me, and this was probably, like, around, like, four o'clock. It terrified me because, like, I heard your birth story, and I was like, this I feel like it's way too soon because my first baby was so long, and I actually did have a swollen cervix. Like, that did happen to me. Right. I was like I was like, I don't wanna get crazy and, like, but I knew, like, I wasn't consciously being like, it's too early to push. I'm not gonna push, but I could feel that my body was holding myself back. And that is what was really exhausting because, like Oh my god. I was fighting my body the whole time for hours, and I realized that I had been doing that since, like, ten ten in the morning when I was being really vocal to, like, four o'clock. I was, like, wow. Like, I'm not letting go at all. Like, I was really just, like, resisting this. And so I was sitting on the toilet, and then, like, I wiped and there was, like, the mucus plug, and that was, like, exciting because I've never had that before. And I, like, tried really hard to, like, let go, but I was paranoid that it was too soon. So I, like, tried to feel my cervix, but I couldn't feel anything. And then so, like, I went into my, like, birthing room and had one contraction and then, like, the contraction one contraction after my mucus came out and my water's broken. I was like, holy moly. Okay. Cool. So then I, like, went around to the living room and, like, I thought I wanted to be in my birthing room on the floor with all these fancy blankets and stuff, but what I really needed to do was, like, just walk pace around my living room. Luckily, like, my friend cleaned it up for me because there was, like, kids' toys everywhere. But I, like, just walked and walked and walked and walked for, like, hours and, like, then I would stop and try some positions and just try to, like, let my body go, you know, and and really, like, feel into it. My friend was just, like, quietly sitting there. And then after a while of that, I said to my friend, I said, like, oh, I'm just so exhausted. And then so she got me some, like, ginseng jelly, you know, those things, and I had one of those and that was really nice. And then I said to her, I was like, I want some pot. And she's like, are are you serious? Like, I'm like, yeah. I wanna join. And and I realized, like, now the point that I got to and I was like, I need I need to join right now. That was transition. I didn't realize that at the time, but she, like, called my partner or, like, my ex, and he brought, like, a joint for me, which I didn't end up smoking, but it was just so nice to have it there. Because, like, I was like, I could have some pot if I wanted, but, like, by the time it got there, it was over. Like, I I was done with that and I was pushing. So I was like, I would be pushing ish, but, like, also, like, getting up and pacing around, like, waddling. You know? Like, I could feel the head coming out. But then the once the head, like, was close enough to the opening in my vagina, I, like, couldn't feel it. And I was like, okay. Wow. Like, that that's the head. There's definitely no cervix in the way. Right? And that's when I was really able to, like, really let go, and just, like, like, hey. This is actually happening. And my mind was blown. I was like, holy shit. Like, I'm actually giving vaginal birth right now because I've been, like, building it up for years. Yeah. It was crazy. Yeah. And oh, man. It was just, like, very intense. I I, like, didn't really push. Well, like yeah. I didn't really push. I was like, I'm not gonna push this time because I was pushing last time and it sucked. I'm just gonna wait for the fetal ejection reflex or whatever, which was, like, kind of happening. But really, the fetal ejection reflex for me was my body pushing without my control. Right? Like, I I was like, wow. I'm pushing, but I'm not really pushing. But, like, you are when you're having the fetal ejection reflex, which I didn't realize was gonna be the case, when I'm going into the birth. And so I was, like, pushing, you know, not, like, actively. And then the head was crowning, and it was, like, so long, you know, going back and forth. And I was, like, just gonna let it happen because, yeah, I knew, like, it takes time. But then I just got this to this point where I was, like, I need to get this baby out right now. Like, I'm not doing this anymore. So I, like, bared down and actively, like, pushed his head out with a contraction, which felt awesome, but I could also feel myself tearing when it happened. That's another thing about me is I went vegan when I was eleven, and I I transitioned out of veganism recently. But I really do think that, like, I had not enough fat in my diet and, like, my skin is not, like, supple and stretchy at all. And I I do blame that, although, like, I'm sure there are many vegans who are super stretchy, so I don't wanna offend anyone. But for my circumstance and the way I was eating, I I do attribute it to that. And I, yeah, I could feel myself, like, tearing upwards, like, towards my clitoris. I had no idea, like, what was going on with my premium at all, but it didn't like, I could feel myself tearing and it was super intense, but it didn't hurt. Right? Like and I wouldn't say any of the labor hurt at all. I would say that it was just, like, intense and exhausting, like, it's hard work, but not painful in the slightest. Like, it was it just, like, felt normal and right, which was completely different from the first labor, which felt, like, all wrong, like, all of it, like, with the back labor and everything. So his head came out and then my, like, my friend who hadn't, like, really said anything to me at the time, she was like, okay. Just a couple more pushes. And I was like, no. Because I knew that, like, I, like, I would just, like, let his body, like, turn and get into position. Like, I wasn't gonna, like, push his body out. And just, like, I knew that there wasn't a rush. Like, his head could be outside of my vagina, and it wasn't a big deal. I didn't need to, like, stress out about that. And and, yeah, I could, like, feel him squirming, which was crazy, and he's, like all the, like, juices were coming out of his nose and his mouth I could see. And I was squatting on my living room floor. My friend had, like, brought over some towels for me, and I was, like, leaning against my futon. And, and, yeah, his, like, shoulders I could feel his shoulders turning and his body turned and then just, his body split out, and I, like, scooped up my leg and turned around so that I could, like, pick him up. And I picked him up and I I noticed that he was a boy. My partner or, like, my ex was worried because Merlin, our son, was wrapped. Like, his neck was wrapped around and his torso was wrapped around and his leg was wrapped around, right, from the cord. So he thought the best why he couldn't come out of me. So he was worried, like, what if the baby's wrapped up? And I'm like, if the baby's wrapped up, then that's most likely awesome because it means that the cord's not gonna fall out of me when my water's great. Right? But he was, like, Linden, my free birth baby. He had the cord wrapped three times around his neck. I was like, oh, okay. And I, like, unwrapped the cord, and his body was, like, unresponsive. He was, like, I'd say, like, grayish. And and, like but so okay. So he was unresponsive. I unwrapped the cord. I scooped him up, and I put him, like, on my fore forearm, so that his, like, face was down, and I could feel his heart beating against my chest or against my forearm. And I he was still attached to the placenta and everything, so I wasn't stressed out or worried. That was, like, the big thing too because when Merlin came out, he was unresponsive. And I was, like, what what would I do in that situation? But it was just so intuitive, like, just exactly what to do. I, like, you know, rubbed his back, talked to him, and, like, moved my arm up and down and, like, he you know, after a couple minutes and my friend was getting a little bit nervous, but I was like, oh, good. And after a couple minutes, he, like, started crying and, like, was, like, crying bloody murder. He was pretty pretty angry after that, but it was so cute, like, hearing him cry for the first time because Lynn, Merlin never cried either. He was so quiet and traumatized.
Speaker 1
And Lyndon was Linden was given his full placental transfusion, you know, so all we need is a beating heart, you know, like we don't we don't need a vigorous cry, as you already know, we don't even need a breath right away. You know? Obviously, eventually you do, but in the beginning, he's getting that that, you know, it's a literal blood transfusion.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. And that's, like, totally how I felt too. Like, I knew it logically a little bit because of the, like, the free birth group and and reading people's, like, questions and stuff. But, like, in this situation, I was so calm. Like, I wasn't there was no, like, fear at all, like, in the entire labor. The only fear I really had was, like, oh, am I is this too soon? Is my cervix gonna swell? And then after I got over that, I was just, like, it was so calm and, like, you
Speaker 1
know, I was just in your yeah. You were in your instinct.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Absolutely. Like, my body just knew exactly how to move and and, like, I mean, seeing birth of women who are so afraid, like, as a doula who, like, literally cannot move and you have to, like, lift them up and, like, move them because they're so terrified and, like, just given into the fear and the pain. And then comparing that to, like, someone who's bursting completely in their power, it's like I don't know why anyone would be afraid of free birth because it seems like the most, like, beautiful thing ever to me. Yeah. And then I, I was just so happy. I was shocked that he was a boy. I didn't really know what his gender would be, but in one of my dreams, he was a boy. And even though I really wanted a girl, I was like, it's probably a boy. So then it was, and I, you know, was like, okay. Cool. And he eventually started nursing and with my first the nursing was absolute hell. And I honestly thought I'm like, okay. They tell you that it's not supposed to hurt, but it hurts. You just gotta get through it. Right? Like, they're lying when they say that it's not supposed to hurt. And so I expected that with Linden. Like, I was so afraid to nurse because I knew how much it sucked. But, of course, I was gonna do it anyways, but there was no pain at all. It was just perfect. Like, he just lashed, and there hasn't been he bit me, like, a little bit recently because he has teeth now, and that hurt. But, like
Speaker 1
Yeah. Of course. Yeah. There's no getting around that.
Speaker 2
Yeah. So that was amazing just, like, to be given just, like, the gift of, like, an easy well, easy everything, really.
Speaker 1
Pain free birth, pain free nursing. You know, what a rewriting of your of your story.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And I, like, I I pushed the baby through my vagina. Yeah. You did. Pretty epic.
Speaker 1
And you could have. Right? You could have with your first had you not been sabotaged. Like, you know, it wasn't like you couldn't do it. You you were trying to birth under war, and your body and your baby were actually acting in its highest intelligence to not release in a unsafe environment.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
You know, and that's like the framing I really I hope more, more women can can kind of take on of it's actually very intelligent to not release your baby. It's very protective. It was the mama bear in you going, fuck no. This is not a safe you know, you're the zebra, and you're in a pride of lions. Like, you're not gonna release your baby.
Speaker 2
And Yeah.
Speaker 1
Different with second time moms. It's harder to stop the freight train. You know, it's harder to stop the cascade. Like, it's kinda weird to say, but you can do more to a second time mom intervention wise, and and they're still likely to have that vaginal birth.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
But with the first, you know, it's it's really easy to scare it off, basically. And and and it's your body's wisdom that scared it off. That that wait. That's not your body's wisdom that scared off. It's your body's wisdom that responded to the environment you were in to go, nope, not safe. And obviously, your primal brain doesn't totally understand that the alternative is a c section, unfortunately, because you backed into a corner. But so, yeah, it's such a beautiful reclamation of your of your body to Yeah. Like, know that you could do it.
Speaker 2
Absolutely. And, like, that's one thing too that I hope I mean, I find with this whole, like, c section culture, we don't wanna shame mamas who's had who've had c sections, of course. Like, it it sucks, and it's not your fault. But if you're going from a c section being, like, they saved my baby because my body didn't do what it was supposed to do, you're just setting yourself up for failure. There it's just I never I never believed that. Like, I never believed that I couldn't do it. I was like, well, this, this, and this, and this fucked it up, but, like, my body was made to do it. And then, of course, going from that and then without the fear of, like, the c section scar and stuff like that, I was like, well, I could have done it, but now do they fuck me up? You know? Like, can I do it now? Or is it Right. Like, my my, Am I ruined? Yeah. Exactly. And that's, like, yeah. It's terrifying to think that way, but luckily, I didn't let myself fall down that rabbit hole and probably be dead. Anyway.
Speaker 1
Like, you had the thoughts, which are so understandable, but you did it anyway. And you you you wrote your own story, you know, and you trusted yourself, which is weirdly, like, considered radical and dangerous by culture. Like, you stupid woman. How dare you be in your instinct and trust yourself? And then boom, look what happened. You had a normal Yeah.
Speaker 2
And you know what? I had a normal birth, but I'm lucky I had a normal birth. You know, there's still gonna be those people that are like, wow. It could've gone so bad. You're just lucky. No. I'm not lucky. It it makes perfect sense. You're just You're a mammal. Yeah. Exactly. And and yeah. So that's that. It's it's fun. I don't know. It's a hard thing, you know, being in the free birth world, like, I especially as a doula, I'm not even practicing as a doula anymore, and I don't think that I can. I think that it just helps the system, like, hurt women. Like, I'm helping women get through an abusive system. Exactly. Yeah. It just it doesn't make sense to me. And and I was like, I don't even want to have a place in anyone's birth. I just wanna help women feel so secure in their ability first that they don't even need anyone. Like, of course, having people run, but they don't need someone to check-in with. Yeah. Like, is this okay? Is this okay? No. Like, you should know that it's fine. But yeah. So Beautiful. That wow. I love it. Badass.
Speaker 1
You know, and it's like a cool kind of turning of the wheel, you know, to be pregnant and listen to this podcast and then come on the podcast and share the story. And and that's what we're doing. That's what we're creating here, you know. It's Yeah. Women, we've been doing this now long enough that women were pregnant and heard this and then free birth and now can come on. It's just so beautiful. So I'm so glad Yeah.
Speaker 2
It's amazing. Finally getting you on. And Your podcast, like, was so wonderful when I was pregnant. Like, I just would listen to it all the time and, like, hear these birth stories and just be, like, you know, bathed in, like, the glow of the light of, like, these amazing powerful women, like, doing awesome things. And I just, like, was, like, can I really be one of these women? And I did it because everyone Yep. Anyone can.
Speaker 1
Right? Exactly. Alright, girlfriend. Thank you so much. I'm so excited to share this with everybody.
Speaker 2
Thank you. Thank you so much for having me and for doing all this awesome work.
Speaker 1
That's it for today, everyone. Join us next week for another episode of the Free Birth Podcast. Thanks for joining us. And remember, your body, your choice. Lots of love.
