Speaker 0
Welcome to the Free Birth Podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning, exploring, and celebrating their autonomous choices in childbirth. Together, we'll unpack truths, share personal stories, and claim our ability to birth freely and intuitively. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 1
Do you know it's your calling to become an authentic midwife? Do you dream of attending women in birth? Have you felt frustrated trying to be a birth worker in the system? Are you looking for a better way to walk with women in total integrity, supporting mother led physiological birth? Are you dreaming of building a thriving, profitable business as a birth coach? Well, we are thrilled to announce that enrollment for our radical birth keeper school is now open. Classes begin June first, so head over to our website and get the details. The time is now, and we need you to join us in this birth revolution. W w w dot radical birth keeper school dot com. This week, I'm joined by Sadie, a new mother that just rebirthed her first full term child not long ago. Sadie first, a few years ago, experienced a pregnancy loss late in her second trimester and chose to stay home and spontaneously birth her precious stillborn son. After dreaming of her daughter, she easily conceived her and committed to the high vibrational work of wild pregnancy. With the support of her beloved partner and her mother, Sadie roared her daughter into the world, guided by the blue light of her spirit son who had passed years ago.
Speaker 2
Okay. So I guess I should start, by mentioning that I grew up in a very masculine household, so I had four brothers. I was always kinda keeping up with the guys. I wasn't connected to women whatsoever. I knew I wanted kids one day, but it wasn't, on my radar at all. So I it really starts when I was, twenty one. I met a lady, and she had two girls. And she we we like, she parented her children different than I had grown up, so it was very loving, very validating. They didn't they weren't working for her approval always, and I had grown up constantly needing the approval of the men in my life. And so I had taken on a lot of, their beliefs about women, which is, you know, they're dramatic, they're annoying, they're, I don't know, just your typical patriarch, like, household is really what I grew up in. And so when I met her, I was just, like, mind blown with the way that she treated those girls and how it was, like, this mutual respect of witnessing each other and not so much of teaching. And so I quickly learned, that she had given birth to her second daughter, at her home. And home birth was like something I thought happened in in the past. It wasn't something that still happened today. So, it blew my mind, learning about that, and it it really awoke something inside me that, felt so true. Like, I knew from that moment that I was absolutely going to give birth at home, and I didn't know, the ins and outs of it. I knew nothing about the safety, you know, how safe it was or anything like that. I just knew that that was what I was going to do. And so luckily, she had had some a traditional birth attendant, at her home birth. So I kind of, like, missed the midwives, that were associated with the hospital here. So I didn't even know they existed. I just knew that, like, it was an underground thing and, yeah, I had no idea that it was attached that, you know, that there was midwives that were attached to the hospital. So, I it wasn't long after that I met, my now husband, and I knew right from the moment that I met him that we would start a family, and it was far in the distance and whatever. It wasn't something on my mind. But three months later, I found out that I was pregnant. And I felt so, so, like, naive and immature and, like, what did I do? I'm not ready. Like, I am starting a career. We're not we've been dating for three months. Like, it's not I wasn't ready. And, after witnessing my friend, I knew that there were things that I really wanted for my kids. I really wanted to have roots down and I really wanted to be solid in myself, and I was in such a, like, learning stage of who I was that it was just, like, shocking. So I was trying to grasp the reality of of being pregnant, and it not going the exact way that I wanted it to. But I settled in, and the whole time, I just couldn't picture a baby at the end. I couldn't picture being, like, really pregnant. I couldn't picture being a mom. And so that was, like, this weird battle on the inside of, like, knowing I'm pregnant but not being able to, really understand what was happening. So I guess it would have been, around sixteen weeks, I started noticing that I was not growing. And so I wasn't able to accept it because I wasn't I was so afraid of that outcome. And I guess I should mention that, I I didn't plan to use the medical system. I did have an ultrasound, to date the baby because that felt really important to me at that time. I don't really know why now, but it was really important, that I, you know, had a timeline. So something I could grasp to. And so I stopped growing. I I think everybody knew, but no one was willing to bring it up to me. They knew it wasn't a safe, conversation they could have. They could probably feel the resistance to it. And it would have been around twenty three weeks that I finally started feeling like something's going on. Something's not right. I don't feel pregnant anymore. I'm not sick anymore. I feel great. And so I reached out, to Kate, who you had on the podcast a couple weeks ago. She I'd chosen her to be my, my midwife, and I reached out to her, to see if I could kinda listen to the heartbeat or, like, you know, get some sort of understanding of what was going on. And, she was away traveling, so, she hooked me up with another traditional, birth attendant, and I ended up meeting her on my birthday. And so we were listening for the heartbeat, and we couldn't find it. And so she asked me, how would you feel if, you know, this baby was no longer alive? And although I had so much kind of anxiety about it, I just said, you know what? I like, I think I'll be okay. Like, I think that we'll get through it. I'll be okay. I'll be able to do it. And I don't know where that came from because on the inside, I was absolutely, like I don't know. I was, yeah, I was beside myself. So we went, we were staying in a hotel that at that time, and we I went we went back to the hotel, and we made love. And it triggered some sensations, in my uterus. And so I was a little bit intrigued, but all obviously, very scared as well, and I started spotting. So I still hadn't told anybody what was going on. I hadn't told, Scott, my partner, that I was suspicious of, you know, something happening. And so we the next morning, we woke up, and the contractions were stronger, and I was still spotting. So we went home, and this time, I went to the bathroom, and this time, I wiped and there was a lot more blood. So I, like, I just remember this, like, feeling of, like, acceptance wash over me and knowing that it's time to to acknowledge what's happening. So I told him, and we went to the hospital, because I wanted to know if there was a heartbeat, still. This I was still stuck on this heartbeat. Like, this means that there's life. Right? And so this was probably the worst mistake, that I could have made, but it was all I knew to do at the time. We went to Emerge, and we went, into labor and delivery, and they had these sections, like, it's just a curtain dividing you and your neighbor. And so we were sitting on the bed, and there's this lady beside me that was, like, thirty nine weeks pregnant, and she was so frustrated with the situation she was in and and just wanted this baby to get out of her. Everything that I didn't wanna hear at that time was what I was hearing. And so we waited for hours, like, literally two hours before the doctor came in and he brought, like, a portable Doppler machine. I don't know if that's what it's called. But, and so he was gonna listen for the heartbeat and he put the doppler on, and the baby appeared on the screen. And we could see the baby floating. Like, we knew that there was no life, but no one like, we had to sit there for fifteen minutes before he acknowledged, that the baby was was dead. So we're looking at the screen, you know, we're looking at each other, we're looking at the doctor. No one's, like, acknowledging each other, but my heart is just, like, pounding in my chest. It was like it was like the most painful, drawn out, you know, fifteen minutes of my life. And so he finally turns the machine off and looks at us and says, I can't find a heartbeat, so, I'll send you for confirmation, and then just gets up and and leaves. And so we're sitting there, like, our our mouths are wide open, and we just look at each other and, like, I just everything came crashing in. I like, the realization, the acknowledgment, it all came flooding in, and I remember feeling so overwhelmed to be in such a public environment when I felt that. And trying to navigate how I was feeling while also, you know, our neighbors are still carrying on a conversation, and they're playing music on their phone. And, like, we it was the most horrendous thing I can I can you know, out of the whole situation? And so I wanted to just get up and leave, and I wish I had known that I could've, but I, like, I I just sat there like a good girl, you know, waiting for them to tell me what to do. And, anyway, so after we had confirmation, this was hours later. We were still there, you know, just waiting for them. It was, like, four or five hours total from getting in the room until they let us go. They let us go. And so she comes in this lady comes in, and tells me, I think you know, we think you're in pre labor now. We're just gonna send you home. You're probably just gonna feel like you need to have a big bowel movement, and that'll be it. So, here's some pamphlets, and good luck. Call us if you need anything. And so I take the pamphlets and then I look at the top one and the top, pamphlet's about, how to navigate when your partner resents you for the loss of your baby. So I'm, like, looking at this pamphlet, like, is this protocol? Like, is this what's normal? Yeah. So we we take I took the pamphlets like a good girl. I don't even know why I took them, but I took them. And we left, and on the way home, I called, that other traditional birth attendant, and she like, I'm so grateful for her because she told me what would really happen. She's like, you're gonna go through all the labor stages. It's gonna be really painful. You need to hold the baby and smell the baby, when he's born so that your body knows to stop bleeding. Mhmm. And go home and do whatever you need to do that makes you feel good, whether, you know, it's smoking a joint, whether it's taking a bath, a hot bath, like, just do whatever you're gonna do to calm down. And so we went home and, I did that. And over the next, like, few days, this would have been Saturday, so we would have been, I was kinda just, like, grappling it. Like, we were kinda grieving, unsure of what was gonna happen. I told my mom, and, they I told Scott and my mom that a midwife would come, when the time was right. But, like, don't worry. I'll be, like, you know, I got it. Like, I I I was so vague about it, and, she never did make it, because Kate was overseas. And so I don't know I don't even know why. Like, I just knew that I was gonna do it on my own, but I didn't want to tell them what, like, what my plan was because I didn't want the added stress. So Monday morning, I woke up and I had, just different feelings. I knew I I woke up and I knew that today was the day. I had this, like, I was so clear and I had this, like, determination of, like, mustering up the courage to get through what I knew was gonna happen. And I thinking back, like, I knew nothing about birth. Like, I really I've watched a few videos, you know, but not a whole lot. And so, the contractions increased, and I met my mom came over, and I just labored throughout our little cottage that we were living in. I was so shocked at how my body just knew what to do. Like, for knowing nothing about labor, my body just it it pulled me into into positions.
Speaker 1
It
Speaker 2
pulled me into locations, and it was just like this mode. Like, I'd never experienced anything like that before. So I labored, throughout the day, and around three thirty, I threw up. And I remember vaguely hearing my mom on the phone with the midwife being like, what's happening? Like, what's going on? And the midwife was just like, you know, this is normal. She's probably in transition. Yeah. Keep going. And so it was, like, three pushes after that and, the baby was born. And so I was on all fours on our bed at that time, and I turned around and I picked him up, and he was just this little boy, and so, like, foreign looking. Like, I couldn't believe that something so, primal, like, isn't isn't shown or I'd like, you know, I had I couldn't find any information on what he might look like or, like, this is just kind of an area in life that's very shadowed and not, not expressed. And so I remember just being so shocked at what he looked like and and holding him and smelling him and and just kind of, taking in what had happened. And so I'm starting to realize that what I'm doing is I'm going through it. Like, I'm not delegating. I'm not asking somebody else to to do it for me. Like, I have to do it. And so I'm realizing that doing it means that I can process it as it's happening, and there's no trauma to bring with me, you know, for the rest of my life. So I kinda carried that through postpartum. You know, my mom wanted to bury him for us, but I was like, we gotta do it. Like, me and Scott need to do it together. Yeah. Totally. You know? Like, it needed to be done by who was experiencing it and not by somebody else. So we kept him for, like, a week, and we buried him together. It was, you know, heartbreaking and and beautiful all at the same time. Like, we grieved. My relationship was just, like, it had the most beautiful start with this experience because, like, we just learned how to balance our grieving. Like, he would grieve and I would pull through for him and then we'd flip, and it was just, like, this beautiful dance of of navigating, something. Yeah. Really? Yeah. So true.
Speaker 1
It's beautiful.
Speaker 2
Thank you. Yeah. And then I guess from that moment, I just realized how much work, there was to do in myself and how much I wanted to do to show up for, future babies in a way that, was fair to them so that they you know, I was learning a lot about trauma and just how much, I can prevent from passing on. And so I really dove in. It was like, this is when I learned about free birth. And so the podcast actually gave me the language for what I had chosen and done. I didn't know about free birth, but I realized that that's essentially what I had. And so I had spent, like, the next few years just really diving in, and getting to know myself and kind of awakening, my connection to women and really honoring, women in a way that I'd never experienced before and essentially honoring myself and and, you know Mhmm. In the whole circle of that. So I guess two thousand eighteen, I had a dream, and this little girl came to me in a dream, and she looked so much like my husband. She had kinda darker darker skin and dark hair, and she introduced herself as Magnolia. And she said that she would be coming in February twenty twenty, and, she introduced her brother and her sister.
Speaker 1
Oh my god. What?
Speaker 2
It it was so
Speaker 1
wild. Oh.
Speaker 2
And I my dreams make no sense. Like, I have really weird dreams, but this one was so real. I felt like I could Professional. Heal her. Yes. And so I had to write it down because it was so different from what I was used to. But I learned, like, her personality and their personalities
Speaker 1
and their
Speaker 2
names and when they'd be born, and it was just, like, this incredible insight. And also I learned what I needed to do to align with them so that they would come. Because I knew at that moment we weren't aligning and that there would be no like, I wouldn't get pregnant because we weren't on the same page. And so, she was very much a feminist and very, like, you know, all for women and just very she like, I I could I could feel that. So I dove into that, and I really witnessed women. And I I mean, your podcast this podcast, is really what was the preparation for her birth and for conceiving her because, it was like trusting women, and that was the theme of of her was just learning to trust women and trust myself. And so I started prepping. I learned about conscious conception, and I that rung so true to me and and really aligned with me. So I planned. It was, like, a year out. I was, like, I I could feel that May twenty nineteen would be the month that, you know, I was like, this this that just feels like the month. And so I, like, like, cleaned up my eating. I stopped drinking. I, did some, like, purging of of my body and just really wanted, her house, her, you know, to to be as healthy as it could be. I didn't want my health to be a factor, in her pregnancy. And so in it would have been April, and I was like, yeah, we should probably start trying now because, you know, May might not happen. Like, this is all, you know, a feeling. Like, who knows? And so May, we started or April, we started trying, and then in May, we conceived. And, I knew I was pregnant. I just I remember driving to work one day. It was about four weeks after, and I was driving to work, and I all of a sudden realized that I wasn't alone. Like, I had this feeling of being influenced by someone else's, like, energy or or their per like, it was just the most yeah. It was so weird. And I was like, oh my gosh. I'm pregnant. And so I get home from work that day and, Scott comes over and he's like, I I forgot to tell you this morning that I had a dream last night that you were pregnant and cried. And so I was like, alright. Alright. I I know I'm pregnant. Let's do this. And so I never took a test because I just that hope, like, feeling that hope felt way better to me than having concrete answers. And I knew from my past experience that I would need to carve out space to feel, the emotions or the triggers that this pregnancy would cause based on, you know, my first pregnancy. And so, I really dove in. I I ate what I felt like. It was a really intuitive process. Like, my intuition felt like it was at a high when I was pregnant. So I ate what I wanted. I exercised what felt good. Like, I walked a lot. I spent a lot of time in the woods. I learned to set really good boundaries. That felt really good. I learned like, I enjoyed talking about it. I know a lot of women, you know, find it easier not to to share your plans. And I tried that, and it didn't feel good because all I wanted to do was talk about, you know, this different approach. And so anytime anyone asked me, I I had so much fun talking about why I was doing what I was doing, and, the pregnancy was really boring and normal. Like, it all just felt so normal and good. So I remember being pregnant with, my first pregnancy and feeling so frustrated that I couldn't, just do it on my own. Like, I had to hire a stranger. I had to get to know them, to be comfortable with them. I had to pay them, when I wasn't in the position to do so, and I wanted to just do it on my own, and I I I didn't because I thought that was so reckless and so irresponsible and and, so through the progression of that experience, I knew the second time around I would I mean, I could do it on my own and and I would do it on my own, and I just wanted emotional support. I wanted to invite two people who knew me best, so I invited my mom and I invited Scott, and I was very clear with them what, you know, these are my boundaries. This is what I need from you. I just need you to make me comfortable if you can, you know, make sure I'm fed and have my water bottle nearby, and look to me Mhmm. For direction. Like, don't don't look for anybody else. Like, I'm gonna know exactly what I need, because I knew the first time. And so, yeah, so they were on board. It took, like I spent my pregnancy kind of just, like, slowly dropping information here or there that I felt was important, and they were I mean, they were both on board. They were both really excited, to experience it, but nervous. I mean, they had their own stuff, but I was so solid in knowing that this is what she wanted. Like, I could just feel that this is what this baby wanted, And so I was completely willing to honor that, and and I really wanted her to have the best start to life that she could. And I just fully believe that this is this was the way to do that.
Speaker 1
So can you can you speak to the fear element of just how you navigated fear, particularly because you had a second trimester loss and then, you know, and then, yeah, whatever spiritual discipline you basically turned into, you know, to navigate that, because we have we have a couple things happening here. Right? Like, we have just the just the choice to listen to your intuition and choose free birth, which is kind of enormous and unique on its own. And then, so I'm wondering about that and just getting to closer into your birthing time. You know, what did navigating fears look like for you, if at all? And then also, you know, moving through that second trimester and and kind of, yeah, just connecting those dots of of how you handled that.
Speaker 2
Sure. Yeah. So I I definitely did a lot of work, in manifesting what I wanted. I realized that talking about, the worst case scenario was happening way too much, and that that just feeds into that energy. And I wanted to put my energy into what I wanted, and so going through the loss, as tragic and as heartbreaking as it was, I couldn't help but bear witness to how beautiful it was, and how my relationship just had this the most solid foundation from it, what I had learned about myself. I had didn't realize how strong I was or how much pain I could withstand or how, I could listen to what my body was telling me, and it was there all along. But when I was in fear, it covered it covers my intuition, and I would feed into that fear rather than, you know, stopping and taking a breath and and saying, what do I know or what do I feel? And so I spent a lot of time, under like, becoming becoming one, like, understanding that death happens, and that everything kinda happens for a reason, essentially, in that, there's you you can make a choice with your situations. You can dwell on them or you can kinda dive into the the negatives of them or the poor me, and I it was just so clear to me that this was this happened to elevate me and to, wake me up and make me realize that, there's always lessons to learn. There's, you know, every situation that happens is going to push you, to grow and to, you know, find your center and to yeah. Just, it's part of the path. Like, good things and bad things happen. Mhmm. And, you know, it's part of life. And so are you gonna live your life feeling, you know, scared of what's gonna happen, or are you gonna kinda take the reins and and and steer the steer the horse? Yeah.
Speaker 1
And co create.
Speaker 2
So, I had such a solid pregnancy that the last few weeks of my pregnancy were a little, like, woo woo. Like, I was I kinda felt like I was losing my confidence, losing my, my vision, and and so I was kinda dancing at the end of my pregnancy with, like, all these emotions, and, I was afraid of all of a sudden, I was afraid of how bad it would hurt, and and just these weird things were starting to come up. I had been so solid that I was like, you know, why are these things coming up now? I'm just about to give birth, and now I have to navigate this too, but that was part of it. And so I just sat with it. I spent the last two weeks sitting with myself, feeling everything and acknowledging it and validating it. And then I knew deep in deep like, somewhere inside me knew that these things needed to click into place in order for her to come. I knew that certain things need to happen before she came. So it wasn't so much of a waiting game, but, like, a a watching to see what happens for for this transition to come. So I spent the day before her, I went into labor, with a friend who had just had a baby. And, you know, seeing this baby made me excited for what was coming and less, like, you know, ready for or, yeah, more ready for what was gonna happen and because I was comfortable. I was like, pregnancy is easy. This is you know, it's a newborn that I'm that I'm all of a sudden realizing I know nothing about. And so I all of a sudden felt at peace with with having an actual baby at the end of this because that was different. And so I went to bed that night, you know, wondering how long, I was gonna be pregnant for, and I woke up at four thirty, and I had strong contractions. They were, lasting about a minute, and they're kind of every three minutes apart. So I literally woke up, and it was like, bam. You're in labor. So I, you know, got up, tried to tinkle around the house, tried to clean up a little bit, and it became so apparent that that wasn't gonna happen. So I woke Scott up, and I was like, do you feel like meeting your baby today? Because stuff's happening. And so he got up, then my mom came over around seven thirty, and we all thought that the baby would be there early, like, you know, maybe in the afternoon because everything was so strong. I mean, I couldn't even talk through the contractions from the get go. Like, I was, you know, completely in the zone, breathing, you know, focusing on my breathing, being very present to what it felt like, and each contraction was the same. Like, it was really intense. Nothing kinda shifted, and, I felt, like, almost to my limit at for with every contractions. So I was like, what you know, it was a mind trip in how do I get this, like, how do I settle into this, or where's the surrender when when I every contraction feels like the end of the world. I was, I felt like I was being burned alive. Like, it was the the heat in my body that would rise every contraction to, yeah, to only, you know, completely flipped to be frozen Brutal. As soon as the contraction was over. And, so I labored and I labored, and, the sun went down. I finally asked mom what time it was, and it was twelve o five AM. So that made me realize that I kinda had this, like, defeat feeling like, okay. Now I have no idea how long this is gonna go. You know? If it happened within twenty like, the first day, that would have been fine. You know? I I could handle that, but now I don't know. And so I was navigating, the marathon of it, like, you know, how much longer can I do this? My brain started wandering to places like, I need to get out of this pain. Like, this pain is overwhelming. Like, you know, and then I'd flip to, like, you know, breathe. Like, breathe through it. It so easily could be pleasurable, but you're so stuck in the pain of it. Like, I was just in this internal battle of trying to surrender, but trying to be present as well, and in this like, I you know, I remember looking for the surrender. I remember Totally. Being like, you know, whatever happens in this in this birth, like, I'm ready for it. I'm okay with it decimating me. I'm okay okay with, reaching my limits, and yet here I am at my limits, and I'm, like, crawling back wanting to you know, looking for comfort at every corner. So mom and Scott just, like, they kept me comfortable. They they fanned me when I had a contraction. They rubbed my back. You know? There it wasn't there was nothing anyone could do for me. I knew that I was too deep in it to go anywhere. I couldn't even sit in a car if I wanted to go to the hospital. You know? Like, I was like, what did I do? Like, I was angry at myself Mhmm. For this choice that I made. Yeah. And so I started to get to this place where it was so excruciating that I I was kinda losing it a little bit, and I closed my eyes and I could see this little blue light. And, the whole pregnancy, I had battled, you know, what if this isn't this girl that I'm feeling? What if I have a boy? I'm gonna be like, who who the heck are you? Like, you haven't been with me this whole time. So I see this little blue light, and I'm like, shit. It's a boy. I was wrong. And so I'm sitting there, like, in a little pity party for a minute, and then I realized that this little blue light, is my son and that he's he's showing me that, you know, pick yourself back up. Get through this. You know, this isn't gonna last forever. You're gonna meet your baby soon. You can do this. So I kinda had this new, you know, this new approach and I had realized that I had met, you know, the depths of this this pregnancy or, sorry, this birth. And so I get up and it wasn't thirty minutes later, that my water breaks. And so I'm like, oh, sweet. Okay. Things are something's finally moving. You know, this whole time, the baby was so high. I I checked myself a few times and my cervix was cervix was nowhere in sight, but finally my water broke. And so I checked myself again out of curiosity, and the baby is still nowhere in sight. So I'm like, man, this is weird. Like, this is not at all, like, what I've heard or what I witnessed from other women's birth stories and, alright, whatever, like, I I'm just gonna go with it. And so I start feeling pushy, and so I was so intrigued by this new you know, finally, something had changed. Like, I had had the same contractions for, so long, And so finally, something had changed and I felt pushy. So I start this is around, midnight still. I I start feeling pushy, and so I'm, like, learning how to push. I'm like, I don't this is weird. Like, I it hurts, but, you know, I'm pushing on nothing, what it feels like. And so I start to kinda groove with it, and I start to to listen again. And at the beginning of the contractions, I wouldn't feel pushy. I could feel my my body opening, and then at the end of the contraction, I would feel this, you know, insane push urge. So I would finish this long contraction with a really, really strong push, And I continued like this, and I could tell that it was my body, opening and, like, it needed kind of some assistance to open. Like, I it was very kinda rigid and stuck. So I did this for a really long time. It's starting to, you know, get into the wee hours of the morning. I could feel myself kind of bulging a little bit. I was kinda flipping between laboring on my back and laboring on my hands and knees. If I got caught laboring in a position that didn't intuitively feel good, it was unbearable. So I made it a point to, you know, be in the position that felt most good or feel the best, but I was so exhausted. Like, my legs were shaking. My wrists hurt. I, you know, was like, how much longer can I physically do this? And so, finally, I could feel pressure and I had this, like, another wave of insane determination roll over me, that, you know, I can do this and I'm almost there. I can I'm gonna meet this baby soon. And so I started, I hardly remember this, but, Scott and mom told me that I started kinda chanting these mantras, like, you can do this, only a few more. I'm not afraid, because like, knowing I knew I was gonna tear in this, like, fear of, like, the pain of that. The ring of fire was so intense, and and I was in that stage for probably an hour. She would kind of I'd have a contraction. She would come down. I'd reach that limit, that fire, and then she would go back up. And so finally, I had a contraction, and I it was real it was the most intense one. I didn't know it would be my last one, but I I reached that limit, that fire, and I just kept pushing through it. And she just, like, she flew right out. She fell I you know, I was envisioning in my head that I would birth her head, and then I'd have to birth her body, but she just, like, spiraled right out of me onto the bed. And I leaned back and I picked her up, and I looked and I saw that she was a girl, and so I was like, it's a girl, and I pulled her to my chest, and I remember she was so slippery and so, gurgly and so foreign looking. Like, she I couldn't grasp her shell. She felt to me like she was who, you know, I had thought had been with me this whole time, but it was now, like, learning what she looked like, and kind of trying to join the two of those together. And so I was looking at her, and I, sucked some fluid out of her mouth, and she she didn't really cry. Like, she just she was so awake and so alert and looking at me and and kind of, like, taking in the feeling of her new surroundings, and I just held her, and Scott sat on the bed, watching us, and I was just, like, in awe. Like, the sting was so painful, but also, like, you know, mixed with this, like, incredible euphoria of, like, you know, holding this baby that I I had just gone through the most difficult and most challenging experience ever. And so I looked at one of them, and I was like, you know, forty five minutes, remind me I gotta birth the placenta. And I was so tired. I was was like, goddamn placenta. Like so I get up to move. I hand her to Scott. I was like, I just wanna I wanna get up to the top of the bed and lay down. And so I hand her to and I just lift my body up, and the placenta slides right out. So this was like a minute later. Like, I was shocked. I was like, I did not expect that whatsoever. And so I'm, like, looking at it, I'm like, oh my god. I like, I'm done. Like, I can really just lay down now. And so we we put her placenta in a bowl. He hands her back to me. You know? I kinda get all snuggled in, and I'm looking at her, and and I'm just, like, in complete shock of this beautiful little girl. And I look over, and Scott's, like, completely asleep, like, just just drained, like, sleeping with his slippers on and, like, everything. The whole experience had just completely wiped him. And I was feeling like, you know, this was this would have been the next day, so she was born at, like, almost exactly twenty four hours after her labor started. And I was, like, wide awake. Like, I, you know, could go on for days just staring at her. But, yeah, it was it was incredible. And I was like, I am never doing that again. Like, what what did I do to my like, that was stupid. Like, you know, all these crazy emotions. But they quickly were replaced with, like, that was the best experience I could have ever given her. It was quiet, and I, you know And yourself. Yeah. And myself. Yeah. There was so much healing in in that experience,
Speaker 1
that
Speaker 2
it was just so incredible and so real and so raw and primal. And I would never like, not experiencing that would have altered you know, that experience has altered my life so much, and I'm just so grateful that I somehow have, you know, have made it here and had had learned about it and chose it for us because she just had the most like, she it was so quiet, and she just looked at me and, like, we just got to know each other and, like, the bond that I felt like we were able to create from such a quiet experience has just been so pure. Right? I just felt
Speaker 1
like I was there. I could just see it. And I I have a a, like, distant memory of the photos that you shared in the network, so I'm just, like, pulling off of those and just how cool your setup was and the the softness of your family and just go mom and Scott too.
Speaker 2
I know.
Speaker 1
I love it. Just I I really it's so touching when when, you know, when we get to hear stories where the moms of the birthing women hold space. It's so, gosh, just so special and and hopefully will become more common.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Like, she she just like, she knew me best. Right? Like, she Mhmm. She was able to look to me and let me lead it. I remember at one point, I was like, you know, I gotta get out of this. Like, where who can help me? And she, like, looked at me. She's like, yeah. That's it this is for Sadie. Yes. Yeah. Like, like, almost, you know, I felt mad at her for not taking, like, you know, doing more and then but it was exactly what I needed because
Speaker 1
Of course.
Speaker 2
You know, like yeah. They were it was a good choice to have the two of them there. So
Speaker 1
So so I know you're only eight weeks postpartum, so it will keep evolving and and revealing itself. But at this point, can you articulate how how that whole experience has changed you?
Speaker 2
It it oh, man. I'm I'm absolutely still learning that, but it's, made me sure. Like, I'm so sure now of myself and my choices and my intuition, and it's played a big role in navigating, how to be a mom, and how to kinda step into that role. It's like being a matriarch in your family and shaping your family in a way that you want it to. You know, I feel like our postpartum has just been absolute bliss. I mean, we're in a pandemic right now, but my but our situation, you know, it's almost it's just incredible. Like, it's hardly affected it because, we're not processing trauma and we're not, you know, I'm just able to be present with her, learn what I need to. You know, breastfeeding has been incredible. I was so worried about that, because that's all I ever heard was stories Yeah. Of of it not working out. And she just, like, she just latched on right away. Like, it was very uneventful, you know, like, very intuitive.
Speaker 1
Yeah. I remember because breastfeeding, thankfully, was also very easy for me. And I remember after a couple days being like, am I missing something? Like, is there something I should be doing? Is the other foot gonna drop? Or what's the expression? Is the other shoe gonna drop? Like, could it really be easeful, you know, as it as it was being. And I remember really having to make a conscious choice to let that go, that idea that, like, it was gonna get hard at some point or I was gonna get mastitis at some point, and I really had or I chose to look at that thinking and be like, am I willing to let this be easy? Can I just let it be easy? And and, thankfully, I got a yes, and and then it continued and continued being so. But I remember that kind of yeah. Just, like, programmed, like you're saying, from these these, you know, rampant narratives, you know, all around, that it almost made me feel suspicious that it was so easy.
Speaker 2
Yes. That is exactly how it went for me. The first few weeks, I'm, you know, waiting for I'm, like, looking for things, you know, that could be wrong. Like, you know, her latch, I need to improve her latch and but it's not painful and, you know, is she eating it? Like, you know, I think I found a lump. I I must have a clogged nook tucked, and it's like, oh, no. No. I don't. Like, it was so, yeah, just so uneventful that I had to do a lot of work too of of letting that go and and grasping the reality of what was actually happening. Yeah.
Speaker 1
Beautiful.
Speaker 2
Thank you. So good.
Speaker 1
Do you have anything else you wanna put into the into the talk?
Speaker 2
I just, yeah, I just wanna say thank you for your work because, it gave me language. It gave me, experiences. I don't know anybody, you know, around me that had free birth. But these women that you, you know, are on the podcast, like, it just gave me, a sense of reassurance in the way that I felt, and it, gave me the confidence to really go through with it. So thank you for, you know, the work that you do, this podcast. I'm so grateful to be a part of the community. Yeah. It's just wonderful.
Speaker 1
Thank you so much. Yeah. It is so cool to see, and now we've been doing the podcast enough years now that people who listen to it now get to come on and tell their stories. And it's just it's so fun. It's such a cool thing that we're all co creating.
Speaker 2
Yeah. It absolutely is.
Speaker 1
Well, thank you so much, my friend. Thank you. Thank you. That's it for today, everyone. Join us next week for another episode of the Free Birth Podcast. Thanks for joining us, and remember, your body, your choice. Lots of love.
