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Welcome to the Free Birth Podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning, exploring, and celebrating their autonomous choices in childbirth. Together, we'll unpack truths, share personal stories, and claim our ability to birth freely and intuitively. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 1
Do you
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know it's your calling to become an authentic midwife? Do you dream of attending women in birth? Have you felt frustrated trying to be a birth worker in the system? Are you looking for a better way to walk with women in total integrity, supporting mother led physiological birth? Are you dreaming of building a thriving, profitable business as a birth coach? Well, we are thrilled to announce that enrollment for our radical birth keeper school is now open. Classes begin June first, so head over to our website and get the details. The time is now, and we need you to join us in this birth revolution. W w w dot radical birth keeper school dot com.
Speaker 1
Left feeling unsatisfied with the total lack of support she received from her midwife the first time around, Carlita from North Carolina found herself pregnant again and immediately knew she would be doing it alone on her own terms this time. Supported by her husband, Carlita birthed her son into the world just five weeks ago under a global lockdown, wild and free.
Speaker 2
My daughter is almost two now. She'll be two in July. When I first found out I was pregnant with her, I knew I knew I didn't want to have a baby in the hospital. Like, I always kind of felt like the hospital was, where you go when you're sick or where where I would go when I was sick. I spent a lot of I I had surgery as a child. Mhmm. I had a lot of sick family members. Like, I was I spent a lot of time in the hospital during bad things, so I didn't it didn't make sense to me to go to the hospital to have a baby unless something was wrong Mhmm. For me. But it's funny. I didn't even know that home birth was even a thing. I I didn't even know like, I knew what people did it. I knew what happens, but I don't even know it was a legal legal thing. I just remember being pregnant and talking to my husband, like, what we're gonna do? And he was like, well, why don't we just have a baby at home? Because he felt the same way about the hospital. And I looked at him like, what? Like, is that even a thing? Like, is that even possible? So I looked it up, and, I was surprised that it was. And, of course, immediately, I was like, that's exactly what I wanna do. It was important to me to to to see if I could find a black midwife, and I found a black midwife in my community.
Speaker 1
Was it, like, instant connection?
Speaker 2
I never really I don't think I really knew what to look for. I was just, like, oh, I I I just needed a midwife, of course. Like, I just didn't even. It's funny though, like, thinking back on it, my husband did mention, like, like, why don't we just do it ourselves? And I was like, that's crazy. I just kind of like, but, of course, he always plants these little, so he planted that little seed, and I'm like, well, do people do it themselves? Like, this is throughout the pregnancy, like, I like I I was thinking. And that's when I found, the Facebook group, the free birth the Facebook group back when it went back when it existed. And, I learned, yes, people do do it themselves. And, but this was already when we had already, hired the midwife. And I spent a lot of time I didn't think that I, like, I didn't have the I guess, I didn't, like, have the guts or I didn't think that I could do it alone my first time. I did, because I was already I got a lot of pushback even planning to do assisted home birth first time.
Speaker 1
Like, from your family?
Speaker 2
My whole my family and my friends. Yeah. My family, my mom, she had two c sections that she's convinced were, like, had to happen, saved our lives, you know, the the the same story a lot of people, you know, believe, I guess. And so she kinda pushed that on me, like, like, what if you're just like me? Is I mean, she didn't say that word for word, but, I mean, in a nutshell, all the story I mean, everything she was telling me, like, what if you're like me? What if you can't have your babies? I coulda had mine, so you can't you probably can't have yours. Sad. Yeah. So You're like, watch me. There's that. Yeah. But it did I mean, it did suck me out a little bit though. Like, like, it got in my head, like, and, you know, do you I told people, oh, I'm having a home birth and our our family, and, oh, they would say, like, oh, like, like, why? Or, like, how are you gonna do that? Or, I didn't know you could do that, or are you gonna have somebody it's just a lot of questions, and I was already nervous enough at being my first baby. So
Speaker 1
Right. It's so confusing. Right? Because you're, like, you're becoming a mother, and so in a way, you're both so vulnerable and new but also becoming this like leader in your family. Right? Because you're doing something so radically different than at least just the last couple generations. And so you like at the same time, I mean, and so many of us, you know, are have gone through this pretty hard position where as we're becoming mothers, we're also leading an entirely different paradigm for our family and our community, which is hard. Mhmm.
Speaker 2
That's funny you say that.
Speaker 1
Someone's gotta do it.
Speaker 2
Yeah. It's funny you say that because my grandmother, I'm sure, had at least one or she's had seven kids. I'm sure at least one or two of them was, a home birth. Like, I I'm pretty sure I have uncles that were that were born at home. But, like, talking to my mom, she said that, when she was having her baby, her my my sister, her first her first baby, she her her mother didn't ever really talk about talk to talk about birth with her. So she didn't even really have that. She never witnessed birth. She never even though my grandma had seven babies.
Speaker 1
Right. So weird. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Yeah. It is weird. So So just yeah. Within the the next, like, generation or two is
Speaker 1
I don't know. It's crazy how quickly I mean, and and just how powerful fear is because, you know, it's like, hello or not. It wasn't that long ago, you know, but I think we still Mhmm. Culturally, we carry this propagated, you know, propaganda lie that well, right. But before, in ancient times of two generations ago, everyone was dying. You know, it's like it's like and it's like uncivilized,
Speaker 2
You know?
Speaker 1
It's like this kind of symbol of how far we've come to go birth with the white man who's gonna abuse us. You know?
Speaker 2
It's like Mhmm. And, like, it got to my sister, and she had a she gave birth at the hospital, and they had, like, massages there or something. Like, just it was kinda like a it was a hospital in, in Orlando, and she said they had they offered like, it was just a lot of, like, boutique kind of things. And then that was another thing that kept throwing in my face. Like, don't you wanna have your baby and get, like, get a massage? Like, they were just trying anything they could get me to go to the hospital. Like, yes. And I was like, no. I don't wanna I said, I can just get somebody to come over to my house and get me a massage, like, afterwards. Like, I don't if I want that.
Speaker 1
So how do you feel with with your midwife? Did you feel pretty it sounds like, you know, there really wasn't much question there. It was like, yes. This is this is what makes sense. I'm gonna birth a home. I I found a black midwife. Like, we're good. Yeah. And Yeah. How the connection feel with her?
Speaker 2
It was really good. One thing I did like is all my, appointment, she came to my house, which she's changed now since then. But, she I think she is just, like, just starting the practice. So I was probably one of the first few clients that she had, so she was able to because she lived, like, ten minutes away from me. So she was able to come to my house. We had a good connection. Of course, I'd I like I said, I didn't really have any comparison. I didn't really have a lot of knowledge about how I wanted things to go. I just knew I didn't wanna be in the hospital. And I knew that I wanted to have, as natural of a birth as possible. I went into labor. Well, my my my water broke. I thought it broke because I was like because it started leaking. And that's when I called her, and she came. Her assistant checked and it was definitely my waters. And at that point, they stayed, which I think is kind of where it they they where everything kind of went downhill. It it, my my labor ended up being, like, pretty long, and they didn't leave, which kind of threw me off, I think. So my labor started going in and out. Like, my contractions will pick up, and then they will fizzle. And that's it. Then it started happening till they got there. So contractions will pick up and they would fizzle, pick up and fizzle, and that kinda happened for hours. And, I was dilating, though, but it was taking a long time. And at a at a at a point, she did start talking about transfer because I started getting tired. And, but I was still progressing, and I didn't wanna go to the hospital. But just hearing it was enough to kind of give me, like, a lot of anxiety. Ugh. It's like poison. Yeah. She started mentioning she she did mention something about my pelvis might be something, which really got to me because that was what my mom said was wrong.
Speaker 1
Right. Or what Oh, what a violation.
Speaker 2
And, like, she doesn't know that, like, that that my mom told like, that my mom said that about herself, but her saying that really I was like it's just immediately I was like, well, what if my mom was right? What if I can't do this? What if what if my body can't make room for this baby? What if there's something wrong? But it's funny because there was nothing wrong with it because she had been monitoring the baby, that the baby's heart rate, everything was fine. I was fine. I was I was dilating. It's just taking a long time. People were getting tired. I really think it just came down that everyone was tired. I was tired.
Speaker 1
Like how long? When you say long?
Speaker 2
It was, like, thirty hours total. Mhmm. So they were there the whole time.
Speaker 1
Which is perfectly average for a first time mama.
Speaker 2
Exactly. Yeah. And then I started doing the thing a lot of people do during transition when they do start screaming, let's go. I don't wanna be here anymore. But but yes. But but I'm really glad my husband was there because he he was, he was such a good partner in that because he knew, like, how I felt about the birth, and he he was the one who kinda looked at me and was like, what are you like, what are you are you serious? And then I'm like, he knew I wasn't, and I'm glad that I had him there in that in that moment, especially with her, like, because he was the I feel like he was the only one in the room where I I know that his, like, belief in me that I could do it didn't even, like, shake at all. Like, I knew, like, I had that one person. Like, he was the one. Because everybody else is kinda like, I can I can feel it?
Speaker 1
It will It just blows my mind. Like, the midwife role is to exalt you, is to hold you so that when you are weak or doubtful or or falter in your power, like most moms do, especially during transition, that the midwife is like, you've got this, you know? Like, do your fire walk. Like, that is, to my mind, the entire freaking point of inviting, an elder, you know, into the space. I'm glad your man was able to hold it down like that.
Speaker 2
Yeah. He was well, I was gonna say, he was the one who was doing that part. Wow. Okay. Yeah. And so it was funny because I've been laboring, laboring, laboring, and then eventually she was just like, okay, why don't you just go take a nap? Like, just go upstairs and take a nap. So, we went upstairs. It was me, her, and, my husband. We we came up to my bedroom. I laid in the bed. He laid in the bed. She kind of sat in the corner on the floor. It was dark, and, I I think I just, like, went to sleep for, like, thirty I don't it felt like forever. There's no way I want to sleep very long, but it had to be, like, thirty seconds, and I woke up, and, like, everything had changed. Mhmm. Like and and, like, at that point, like, I felt I didn't I was, like, something's different. I did say so bad to her, and I kinda crawl like, I crawled off the bed. You can't see my bedroom. I'm, like, looking at it because it wasn't here. I crawled off the bed and, like, crawled on the floor, and I, like, barricaded barricaded myself in front of the bedroom door because so I had, she had her assistants downstairs, and we had a photographer that was downstairs. So I basically barricaded everyone out. I wasn't even thinking. That's not how I was thinking, but that's what ended up happening happening. And, I was I was basically pushing. That's what ended up happening. And, she got up. It was still dark and and, she asked if it was okay if she, like, shined a flashlight down there. And I said okay. I was like, just don't turn the lights off. Don't change anything. Because at this point, I was just like, something's happening.
Speaker 1
Right.
Speaker 2
Don't don't fuck it up. Like, just keep everything the same. Please. Like and, so she, like, shined the light and they got a flashlight, and I could see, like, my daughter's head. And I was like, yes. And then so every so I pushed for about twenty minutes and she was born. But literally, like, everything changed when everybody left me alone. And, afterwards, I I thought back, like, I really bet that maybe not, but I really have a strong feeling that if I had been left alone, that labor would've went different. It would've it would've went I think it would've been faster. I know first time moms, a lot of not all the time, but a lot of times they take longer. But I really feel like that starting and stopping, like, I was in my head.
Speaker 1
Oh, well, we know that we we know that disruptions alter and prolong. Right? So everything's connected. So I think it's really safe to say that if you didn't have people there assessing you and doubting you and keeping you in your head, you would have gone down into your theta brainwaves of hypnosis, you know, with more ease and stayed down there. So I think it's pretty likely that it it could have happened faster or looked different for sure.
Speaker 2
Yeah. This this current this past pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant, I like, everything in me wanted to have her there. Like, there was like, there was nothing like, I personally got close with her, like, my midwife. And, like but I just didn't wanna repeat that. And and I really felt that I would've I would be more comfortable alone. But it was a really strange feeling of, like, wanting someone there, but not wanting them there. Because I was afraid that like, I was really afraid that that would happen again.
Speaker 1
Totally. I mean, I I talk to women all the time that, of course, the vast majority of women want a safe, experienced, loving, big sister, you know, or or mother or grandmother, you know, whatever kind of an elder figure to hold the terrain of birth with them. Right? Like, duh. Like, of course, we of course, we want that. The the, you know, kind of head fuck of the whole thing is that those women who say that those are those women in our communities also disrupt doubt, prolong and hurt us. You know, so it's a really, you know, I I really don't think most women who free birth that that's, like, their first choice. You know? I think I think for the vast majority of women, we would prefer to have the right wise woman holding space. It's just they don't they hardly exist.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And, I'm I wanted like, one of the thing when I got picked on my with this baby, one of the things I thought of was to like, I wanted care from her, but I knew that she, like, she had been pretty vocal that she was, like, not she was against, unassisted birth. Because during my, first birth, I kinda had an idea that if I ever had any more children, I wanted to have a I didn't wanna have have attendants there. And that was definitely confirmed after the birth. So, like, during the pregnancy, I had the idea that I didn't want, have attendants there, but after the birth, that was pretty much confirmed. So so so during my pregnancy, the people that I've invited to, my daughter's birth, I kinda felt them out a little bit about an assisted birth to see kinda where they stood. Like, my photographer was completely, okay with it.
Speaker 1
Oh, good.
Speaker 2
Yeah. She was completely okay with it. But I could tell that, my midwife was, like, absolutely not because it would have been nice for me. Like, my first plan would have been to to have to receive care, but, have her, like, backup and call her if I really if I wanted her to come. But she I know she like, that wasn't like, I didn't even bring it up to her, really.
Speaker 1
It's really insane because all you're saying is
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
I wanna be in charge. I wanna I wanna feel it out. I wanna put, like, what I want and how I envision it and my flow first. And I also would love to have you on my team supporting me. And it really is just setting it's just saying, I want sovereignty, and I'd love for you to support that. And all of these seemingly amazing midwives are like, fuck no. It's like, oh my god.
Speaker 2
I really think it is she's licensed. Exactly. You know? And I think yeah. And that's really what
Speaker 1
Well, the yeah. That's
Speaker 2
my critique of it. Yeah. And I think
Speaker 1
licensure is a choice.
Speaker 2
You
Speaker 1
know? And it is a choice that actually pits women against women.
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 1
You know? Because this is probably a totally lovely woman, you know, of course. Yeah. Like, I I absolutely believe that most midwives are totally well meaning, lovely people, you know, that that start in the industry with with good intentions, but get completely corrupted as they go along the patriarchal medical path. You know? It's not it's not the midwifery that we want. You know, we actually want, like, sister to sister, woman to woman midwifery, and that can't exist within this, you know, licensure regulation path. Anyway, okay. So you have this baby, and I'm curious because I know a lot of midwives listen to this podcast. I'm curious if you could kind of speak directly to you have this beautiful baby, you have your home birth, and you're like, I'm not having attendance again. What was the what was the things that stood out to you that you're like, no. That wasn't that wasn't worth having them there for the next time.
Speaker 2
Mhmm. If I could never have a vaginal exam again, like, cervical check, like, though I've she might she might not have done them. I don't know. Like like, if I told her I didn't want any, like, maybe she wouldn't have, but then I'm like, well and I'm sure she probably would at least wanna do one.
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
But, like, cervical exams, like, no. And just being watched like that, it just was being watched by people I didn't really, family. Like, it's different when my husband's watching. It was different, like, but having and and at this point, I had known her for nine months, but it's just being watched. I just thinking about it now, like, just makes my, like, makes, like, makes my skin, like, just crawl. Like, I just I just hated that feeling, and being doubted. Like, I felt I felt like everything was okay. I I knew, like, like, I didn't feel nothing inside of me was telling me, okay. There's something wrong. It was just like, this is taking a long damn time. I'm tired. Like, that's really all So that's really the only thing that I was thinking. Like, I'm so tired. I'm so like, really. But, like, nothing was telling me there's anything wrong if all my thoughts of something being wrong came from everyone else. Mhmm. And so if I could just not have outside like, I didn't want like, if I just no more doubt. No more just I don't wanna be touched. I don't wanna be watched. I don't wanna be doubted.
Speaker 1
God. It's like the actual tenants of midwifery is, like, believe in birth, trust women, understand that the hormonal blueprint requires to be unobserved in the dark, you know, family, you know, only. No no, like, gross interventions, like, fingering you during your labor. You know? It's like it's like these are the tenants of midwifery. And yet, I hear this literally from tens of tens of tens of women every single day That this is how their midwives like, the like, the midwives do not these midwives air quotes, like, literally don't know how to be in birth. It's just it it never ceases to shock me. Like, of course, you shouldn't be fingering a woman in labor. Ugh. Like, literally nobody was
Speaker 2
That was the most painful thing more than the like, in my head when I think back of the store, like like, how I felt during labor. That's really the the what hurt the most. Not, like, not the contractions, not crowning, all that stuff. Like, it was it was literally, like, the the cervical checks. And at one point, she said that I had a, cervical lip towards the end. I didn't know what the hell that meant. I'm like, whatever the move it. Can you move? So then she was like, yeah. I can move it, but that shit hurts. Yeah. That hurt. Like, I didn't so I remember that and just that just I I didn't want anybody. Just Yeah. Unless I felt like some because I felt like I had a good hand on on, like, how I was basically right. Like, there's nothing wrong. Totally. I just need time and space.
Speaker 1
Of course. Yeah.
Speaker 2
How come Yeah. In my little corner in my bedroom. I had to put, like, I just need to stay in that little corner, apparently.
Speaker 1
Totally. Like a little cat.
Speaker 2
Yes.
Speaker 1
Okay. So then that becomes pretty darn clear for you as you process your daughter's birth, and it really is just so striking to me. And and I just hear this from so so many women that the parts of their birth the only parts of their birth that didn't feel good or the parts of their birth that were painful were the involvement with the midwife, but that the actual birth was just normal and rocking. Just wow. It just it's just so it's so insane.
Speaker 2
After I found out, it was pretty immediate. It didn't really take very long that, like, for me to know that I wasn't going to have anyone attending the the birth itself. I went back and forth between, like, if how much assistance, or care I wanted during pregnancy. There were some things that I I like, I I I I wanted I did want to have someone to to, give me care, but so I I went to a an office. It was, like, near only because it was close. It's like a, a women's clinic where you know? And, I wanted to get prenatal care there. The very first visit, like, my husband mentioned to them that we were we were going which I know he's gonna do. He mentioned to them that we we wanted to we were gonna have a good day at home. Oh. And yeah. And the few days later, they sent me a a, an email on the little virtual e e e virtual, like, health thing. Basically, dismissing me from the clinic unless I wanted to have the baby because they have they they deliver babies to the hospital. Wow. So, and then they and then later on, they sent me a letter with all my records, like, bye. So I was like, oh. So there that was out the window. I was like because the reason why he mentioned it was because, you know, when you go in well, here, you go in and to pay, they bill the insurance, this big chunk of your prenatal care and the birth, like, as a package. And so he mentioned it because he was like, so can we just build a prenatal care part because we're not gonna be delivering with you. And they're like, no. But I didn't I wasn't even surprised. I I didn't expect them to mention it, but I was surprised because I thought they would just be, like, give me the spiel, like, oh, it's not safe, but okay. Like, that's your choice. It just it it seems so that's one thing that made me really mad is, like, why why should we have to lie? Mhmm. Like, we should be able to go in and get in and and choose the care. Like, what's the point of consent? What's the point of, like, of, like we should be able to choose the care that we receive. Yep. I'm like, I don't get what's, like, up there. But it's almost like they were like like, I felt like they treated me like a child. Like, oh, no. You oh, you you dare tell us what you want? I was really hurt. So at that point, I just I didn't even try anymore. Now I had a rude awakening.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Right?
Speaker 2
I didn't expect to be treated that way. I mean, I knew it was what I was doing wasn't, like, like, a thing that a lot of people do, but I expect to be dismissed from my practice.
Speaker 1
Totally. Okay. So and then you just kind of you just kind of know that it's not even worth hitting up your old midwife because she's not gonna be
Speaker 2
Oh, yeah. Down. Yeah. I didn't even no. Yeah. I didn't even won't even I didn't even bother. And, and at the point, I didn't bother hitting up any other practice either because the records they gave me, they, of course, they put that in there. Like like, she said she wants to so I know, like, even if I decided that I wanted to lie to the next peep like, next people, if I transfer the records, they they get why I got dismissed from the other practice. So I said, okay. Well, I guess I'm just doing most of this on my own. So I, I knew I didn't really need any a lot of, supplies. I had a I had a whole bunch of towels still for my daughter's birth. I didn't really do much for that. I I really focus on preparing supplies wise for postpartum. I got some tinctures for, like, after birth pains and, I, like, arranged for for for some things to to come to me after birth, like, they don't want a belly henna and things like that or henna. And, I, kind of explored if I wanted my daughter there or not and how how much I wanted her there. I knew from the first birth that my husband was, like, a huge support during labor. I know every labor goes different, but I just felt like it was gonna be the same and I was gonna need him. Mhmm. And so I, one of my friends, she offered to come and watch my daughter at the house during during labor.
Speaker 1
Nice.
Speaker 2
She yeah. She she knew that I, I actually attended her birth a few months before I had my baby, and she had a, a licensed midwife attending. And just talking to her, I I knew that she would be fine being there, and she knew that I was, having an assist at birth. So I was happy to have her come. And I talked to my photographer again, which that was an interesting conversation too because that was the first time I ever talked to someone who wasn't my husband about how my birth went, who wasn't like my husband or any of the attendants because she was purely an observer, how my first birth went. And she when I told her I was delivering unassisted, she, like, looked at me and she was like, you know, like, it's funny you say that because I think that that actually is probably gonna be perfect for you. Because she saw how it was. She said it seemed like when I when she when she was there, it seemed like I was, like, like, in my, like, in my head in a bad way, like, during labor, like, so it was nice to have her on in that way, like, her, like, on on, like, ready. Mhmm. Just really the biggest thing I focused on was who who was gonna be there because that was what, I I I the only thing I regretted for my first was, like, the people. Totally. Or how the people how the people work.
Speaker 1
Birth is gonna happen, the people who are there is going to affect it.
Speaker 2
Yeah. So, really, like, the biggest thing that I was, the two biggest things that I was going back and forth on was did I wanna have, photography there because I'm like, isn't that, like, being watched? But I was like, well, no. I know her now. Mhmm. So but I and I and I was like, well, I I do wanna have it documented. So I I did, like, being able to talk to her afterwards, I mean, before, and then seeing seeing how she felt about my birth, especially the first birth, we were on the same page, that I was definitely, like, yes, I want her there now. And, making sure that I have because so I could have had my sister come and watch my my daughter, but my sister is terrified of birth. So, like, just and so having someone there who wasn't to burn my daughter. So it's really just focusing on the people. I had the supplies. I I didn't really need a lot.
Speaker 1
And did you tell your family?
Speaker 2
No. Oh, oh, oh, oh, no. I need someone to extend it from me. I told my, my mom and my sister
Speaker 1
How'd that sound?
Speaker 2
They asked me if I was they asked me if I was gonna have a midwife, like, oh, are you gonna have the same midwife again? And I said, no. And she was like, well, who are you gonna have? I was like, no one. And they started laughing. They thought I was joking. Mhmm. Like and I was like, no. I'm I'm no. I really am serious. And, my mom was terrified. Like, she was, like, basically, like, oh, why would you tell me that? But, they didn't say much about it because I really think they didn't really believe me the whole time. Even afterwards, I think they still, like, thought that I actually had someone there. Like Well, you did. It was kind of funny though. No, I mean, like,
Speaker 1
hat, I guess. I know, I know. You had lots of people
Speaker 2
there. She yeah, I did, but, like, it's, like, yeah, like, I don't think but my mom did kind of she was, they thought I think they thought I was joking, but she did ask me. She was like, well, what are you gonna what about the cord? And I was like, what about it? Like Right. And she was like, well, how are you gonna cut it? I'm like, with scissors? Well, what, what about the afterbirth? It comes out.
Speaker 1
I know, it's so sad. People just don't know anything.
Speaker 2
Yeah, like, so what if you tear? Like, just all the what ifs. I was like, it's it'll heal. But, yeah. I think with them, it was a mixture of, like, disbelief and, like, more disbelief.
Speaker 1
But it didn't rock you at all?
Speaker 2
No. Mm-mm. No. Not this not this time.
Speaker 1
Take us to the birth. Tell us the story.
Speaker 2
So, it was, like, weeks that, like, days and days. Every single night, like, before, like, I was probably probably starting probably not weeks. Probably starting around thirty eight weeks. Every night, literally, like, in the middle of the night until the morning, I had these terrible, not terrible, but, like, really intense contractions. So, the first time I had them, I thought I was going into labor, and then by morning, they would be gone. And that happened, like, every night. And I was like, what the heck is this? And, basically, I kept getting this, like, false, which is so different from my daughter. Because my daughter my daughter's first start off gradually, if the contractions did. But this one, I I guess, had, like, days and days of prodromal labor, where I thought that I was going to labor and I wasn't. And I was just I was getting really, really tired because at night, I wasn't sleeping because of the contractions. Mhmm.
Speaker 1
So I
Speaker 2
started getting really nervous that I was gonna be exhausted during labor like I was with my first daughter. So, like, I will go on these these, you know, any any of the groups of of of, like, virtual support groups that I was I had, and a lot of women were, like, you know, yes, I had that too. You know, giving me support. But it's like I'm like, is there something that I can do? So that that was that was really hard. So the morning of the the day I woke up I mean, the morning of the day that the that my child was actually born, it was the same thing. Like, I woke up. I was having those those intense contractions, and I was like, oh, this again. Like so it didn't even, like, phase me that it was it was real. I woke up. I had a contraction. It woke me up. Oh, this again. Had another one, like, ten minutes later. I was like, oh, this hurts. I just wanna go to sleep. And then they picked up. They they started coming, like, five minutes. I had another one. And this was I was like then I started, timing them because I was like, wait. What what? Oh, let me just see, like, if this is this something? Is there any, like, any pattern to this? And, it was, like, ten minutes, and then it, like, got to five, five, five, like, five. And then they just start coming, like, three minutes. And then at that point, I just couldn't even I didn't even bother, timing them.
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
I like, all the morning, I my daughter, she sleeps with me. I ended up waking her up because it just started getting so painful. I text my husband because he was downstairs And I said, I have to ask him to come and get her. And then so he, like, transferred her downstairs, and she fell back to sleep and he came back up later to check on me. And then he went back down. But I stayed up I stayed upstairs and, in my room. Everything was dark, which I loved. It was quiet. Nobody was here yet. And, I just basically paced around and, like, the contractions were just coming so fast. Like, I think I barely could recover between them. If, like, they were so strong, it felt like when I had a contraction, my my son would kick with the contraction, like, he was pushing himself out too. I, like, they were so intense. I, like, I didn't even know what position felt good. Like, it's almost like I went from, like, early labor to transition in, like, a couple hours or something.
Speaker 1
You probably did. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. Like, I like, my brain was just not like, like, I could not cope. Like, I could it was not I was not functioning. I just remember cussing and, like, moaning. And, like, I I went from being on my side and that just hurt so bad to standing and that felt okay. But then that would start hurting and then I would, like, lean over and then I'll be on my hands and knees and it just was moving around like crazy. I just felt like I literally did feel like, almost like a cat. Like, it's funny you said that earlier. Mhmm. And I felt like some like, I I felt like an animal. Like, I I worked my way into the bedroom because the bedroom and the and the, I mean, I worked my way into the bathroom because bathroom and the bedroom were kinda, they're they're, attached. And I that's where I ended up staying. And I was like, well, maybe I'll try to run some water and get in the tub. And so I, I got in the tub. I stayed in there probably maybe an hour, and I hated it. Like, I hate it. Like, I don't know. Like, I everybody says the water's so great, but I it's I cannot stand it.
Speaker 1
I hated it too. Yeah. I tried it
Speaker 2
with my daughter too, and I hated it. But I was like, maybe this time will be different because this labor was so different. And so I got in, and I was just like, this is some shit. Like, this is not helping because I couldn't get in the position I wanted to be in. Like, I really just wanted to be on the floor. So, like, I I stayed in, though, and my husband was like, do you want me to call? Because the lady who came to watch my daughter, my friend, her name is Shannon. He was like, you want me to call Shannon? And I was like, no. Because I I was like, I wanted to be real. This might not be real. Like, I was in I was in denial, like, literally the whole time.
Speaker 1
Just because it was so fast?
Speaker 2
Yes. Because it was so fast, and it was so different from my first. And there was I mean, literally so another thing that kinda threw me off was that, it was only contractions. There were no other so my when my daughter and my water broke or started leaking, and and I was having contractions, and I had bloody show with her, and, like, all those other things. With this with this baby, it was just contractions. There was nothing there was nothing leaking. There was no blood. There was nothing. But these, like, contractions. Yeah. So I was like, oh, there's, like, this is probably just, like, by the time morning comes, it'll be gone like like it always is. This is probably just super strong for drum and labor. Like, I was just in denial. Like and so he and he kept asking me. He's like, are you sure? Like, you want me to call? Are you sure you want me to call Shannon? I was like, no. No. No. I
Speaker 1
You're, like, on the floor in the bathroom.
Speaker 2
I was on the floor in the bath
Speaker 1
That's so funny. You're like, this might not be real.
Speaker 2
Yep. And he was like, well, he like, he didn't even he didn't even bother mentioning if I wanted to call the, photographer because he knew if I didn't wanna call Shannon, then Uh-huh. Then I wouldn't have wanted to call a photographer. And so, he let because he he he was the one who was still watching my daughter, so he had to like, she's our cry, so he went downstairs. And I was alone again, and, they were just coming and coming. And at some point in my head, I was like, this like, I think this is real. But I was afraid that it was. Like, because I was like, I was like, because if if this is real, then I I'm it feels like I'm almost I'm almost done to have this baby. Yeah. That's a
Speaker 1
quick quick thing to do.
Speaker 2
Mhmm. Yeah. And so when he came back, I was like, yes. Call Shannon. And then so he called Shannon and, she was there probably in the next couple hours and he was up there full time with me. And that was, like, probably perfect timing because that plant really needed him. My back was hurting so bad. Like, it wasn't back labor, but it was just a lot of, this is probably the time where, the baby was probably starting to descend or something. Mhmm. Because it just started hurting so bad. So he was rubbing it. So he tried to do some of the things he did with my first he, like, he he tried like, I didn't want heavy massage this time. I just wanted, like, light touching. Mhmm. Yeah. He kept trying to do things with that worked for my first daughter, but I was, like, no. And then I was, kinda, like, don't touch me, and then I was, like, touch me. Like, I was I was just all over the place. You're a wild animal. Yeah. Like and then I remember being, like, oh, don't leave me. Please don't I was like, please don't leave me. And he was like, I'm not. Like, I'm not. And then, like, with everything that I kind of, like, I had, like, a little moment of, like, clarity where I'm like, oh, like, I think that that that like, it was, like, confirmed, like, yes. This is this is real. Mhmm. And I told him, I was like, call a photographer. And then after I told him that, they were I I had, like, a contraction that kinda, like, I because I started feeling kinda like like like I was bearing down at the end of my contraction. And I was like, oh, I don't want her to miss it. And, so it was, I guess, for time reference, it was midnight when I woke up from the first contraction, and we called her at, I think, like, four o'clock in the morning, and she got there at five. And at that point, I had I finally crawled out of the tub onto the floor and, everything was dark. I was really cold, so I had like a space heater in there. So, it was probably hot in there. And at the end of every contraction, I just felt like bearing down. I I I I honestly could not believe it. Like, I still wasn't ending. I was like, there's no, like, I'm really, like, I'm, like, I really feel this baby. And, I, I, with this baby, I felt him drop, like, into, like, into my pelvis or into my vagina or something, like, I just felt the baby drop and I started pushing. And I reached I remember reaching down and touching my vagina and feeling or touching and feeling, the baby's head and just, like, crowning, and I couldn't believe it. And, I was on my hands and knees. And I even even then when I felt the baby, I was still, like, fighting it. Like, I wasn't pushing. Like, I was like, oh, no. I'm not gonna push, but I still was anyway. I was like, no. Like, like, like, this can't be, like, real. And, when I felt the baby moved down more and more, I kinda got, like, I got into my like, I got into it and I was pushing. Mhmm. And, the photographer got there. She got there at, like, five, so an hour later. And, I was pushing and the baby was crowning and it was amazing. It was amazing, to feel his head. I felt it slowly coming out and the the plan was I wanted to catch my baby, but, like, it just at that moment, it was just that whole birth was just so much power, like, thrown at me. I just couldn't. And, my husband, like, quickly, like, caught him, and he was shot because the whole pregnancy, he thought this baby was a girl. He was just saying, oh, it's a girl. It's a girl. It's a girl. And I remember he was like, he was like, it's a boy. And I was like, What? Really? He's like, Football passed him to me. And, like, I remember seeing, his scrotum, and I was like, Woah. And, it was just amazing. Like, we all, like, laughed afterwards. And, it was just so much joy. And he cried immediately. And, he was in my chest. I was on the bathroom floor. And it was just it was like just just bliss. It was
Speaker 1
just great.
Speaker 2
It was like just being like, it was like the whole I wouldn't I wouldn't change anything. It it was hilarious just being in so much denial, but My
Speaker 1
It's pretty common with if your first labor is, like, feels like forever, that second one is like, there's no way, and then there it is.
Speaker 2
Yeah. It was almost like textbook. I was like Mhmm. I was like, no. Like, nothing goes by a textbook. Like, there's no way this is real. Like, no. But it was to not have the eyes, to have to be able to set everything myself from, like, all the people there to the atmosphere, Like, that like, I loved it.
Speaker 1
What would you say like, can you articulate kind of the not like the difference, but, like, what did like, what did you get by having the free birth? Like, what was what was the the magic of doing that on your own with with no disruptions?
Speaker 2
I guess excuse me. I guess knowing that I could, like like, I knew that I like, there is like, I had that doubt with my first daughter that, like, you know, like, maybe I need somebody there. I can't do it. Because I did kinda it did cross my mind that to have a free birth for with her. Mhmm. But I was like, well, no. I need I need somebody there. This is my first one. I can't do it on my own. And then being the second time being like, yo, I can do it on my own. And then doing it and and just and it being just so it kinda it it almost went exactly how I imagined it would besides the timing. Mhmm. Like, to be able to have the peep like, some of the closest people to me there, and that's and supporting me. And I felt supported. Like, I forgot to say, like, right right as I was pushing, like, right as the baby was crowning, my friend came upstairs too, and I heard her voice. And it just gave me more, like, like, I just felt so supported and, like, loved and, like, held. Like, to hear, like, it was all all the people that I wanted to be that I wanted to be there, that I knew, and the people that I really cared about. And I didn't feel watched, you know, like I did before. I felt, like, supported, and and it it just was, like, so different. And no and I had no no cervical, like, exams, like, nobody had to tell me anything. I, like, I knew exactly what to do. It's it's funny too because even, like, during the labor, like, during my pregnancy, my husband was supportive, but there's a lot of stuff he doesn't know about birth too. He was like, well, do we need something to break your water? And I was like, no. And he was like, well, how you know, he was asking me, like, questions too that, like, people ask. And I was like, no. It's it's fine. And even he, like, he was just like, yeah. I mean, it's just he he saw it too. Like, like, we didn't need anything. Mhmm.
Speaker 1
That's such
Speaker 2
a big deal. My my water my water pop broke at six twenty. My baby was born at six thirty six. Oh my god. Like and that water breaking was, like, the first anything else besides contractions that I got. Mhmm. The whole labor. Mhmm.
Speaker 1
Oh, so good. Okay. So now five weeks out, how are you doing? How are you feeling? And and and how are you kind of processing all of it? How has your family responded? Like, kinda bring it all together.
Speaker 2
Mhmm. Five weeks. So, I'm feeling so much better than I did five weeks out for my daughter. This postpartum is a lot different because my husband got to be here. So I had like, before, I like, we don't have any family in this area, so it was just me, which I kinda wanted to be the first time around because I, like, I I didn't want a whole lot of, outside, like, opinions during, like, early early postpartum for me. Mhmm. But, this time, it is nice. Like like, he had to go back to work the first time, but this time he was able to stay. He was able to, but also forced. And Oh, right. Wait. We didn't even talk about quarantine. Yeah. With us. Wait.
Speaker 1
We have to talk about that. Okay. So and actually, this kind of proves the whole point around it, that when you're already planning a free birth, it's like whatever. But Yeah. Take us back to okay. You're you're super pregnant. The world goes bananas. And Yeah. How how is that for you and how has that affected both your end of pregnancy, labor, and postpartum? Anything you wanna say about that?
Speaker 2
Yeah. So the only thing that I, like, I really wanted my husband to be home right when all that all that was going on because I wasn't, like, super, like, anxious about what was going what, like, what was going on in the world. But, I just wanted him to be, like, there. Like, everybody it was really everybody else's response to what was happening. It was what was giving me anxiety, so I was starting to get kind of, like, like, I would go to the grocery store, and things wouldn't be there. They usually were, and that was kind of giving me anxiety, like, go, and there's no meat in the grocery store. I'm like, what the hell is going on? Mhmm. So I started getting afraid of that. Like, I I'm like, what what are people doing? And then, his job basically shut down. Like, he didn't lose it, but they, like, went like, they basically shut them all down. And, we kinda had we had this, like, sweet moment, like, of two like, sweet two week like, last two weeks of pregnancy where, like, we got to be together, before before we became a family of four, and I really, like, loved that. It's funny because I was already, so I, like, I meal prep and stuff, and I freeze meals before I had a baby. And I was kinda already doing all all those things, and then, like, all this happened, and everybody was, like, store food, and and, buy toilet paper. And I was, like, oh, I already did that. Like, I kinda did it, like, before the birth right before everything started happening. So I was, like, I got really lucky as we already had, like, our household items, like, ready for postpartum. And then, yeah, nothing was really different. It was really funny. Like, I was like, well, I'm glad I'm already having my baby at home.
Speaker 1
Exactly.
Speaker 2
Maybe that these like, maybe more women will learn about home birth, just home birth, that who who wouldn't have otherwise. Mhmm.
Speaker 1
Yeah. It's definitely happening. Alright. Well, thank you so much. I love this story, and I know it will inspire many.
Speaker 2
K. Thank you.
Speaker 1
That's it for today, everyone. Join us next week for another episode of the Free Birth Podcast. Thanks for joining us, and remember, your body, your choice. Lots of love.
