Speaker 0
Welcome to the Free Birth Podcast, a supportive space for people who are learning, exploring, and celebrating their autonomous choices in childbirth. Together, we'll unpack truths, share personal stories, and claim our ability to birth freely and intuitively. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 1
Do you know it's your calling to become an authentic midwife? Do you dream of attending women in birth? Have you felt frustrated trying to be a birth worker in the system? Are you looking for a better way to walk with women in total integrity, supporting mother led physiological birth? Are you dreaming of building a thriving, profitable business as a birth coach? Well, we are thrilled to announce that enrollment for our radical birth keeper school is now open. Classes begin June first, so head over to our website and get the details. The time is now, and we need you to join us in this birth revolution. W w w dot radical birthkeeper school dot com. Today, we have a special episode with a first time mom, Clarkie, in our community who found a registered midwife to attend her that also held willingness to center the mother in her entirety. I thought the story was worth telling on our free birth podcast as it highlights how a determined pregnant woman can hone in on what she wants and actually receive it. So a midwife attended birth, of course, can be wonderful, and I just really wanted to highlight one that was To inspire women to speak up and commit to what they want and to encourage midwives to center the women they serve. So join us today for a lighthearted sweet story of the wisdom of a new young mother, Clarkie, diving into the work of bringing her child earth side.
Speaker 0
My mom is actually a midwife, as well, and she was, studying that when I was, I think, around sometime between one and two. So I kind of grew up with, I guess, just an understanding of what birth was. So I attended, both of my siblings' births and, was the kind of kindergartner who would people in my classroom would say, like, oh, my mom's having a baby. It's in their belly. I'd be like, it's actually in your mom's uterus. Or, like, really, very specific about, like, well, no. That's a perineum. And, like, that was that's kind of
Speaker 2
normal for me. I wish we had been friends.
Speaker 0
It would have been real good. So, I feel like as much as growing up, I never thought that that really influenced me that much as I have moved through, like, my own pregnancy and birth experiences and supporting other women, through their births. I've really just realized just how awesome it was to have, women be centered growing up and have, like, actual terminology be normalized and to be okay talking about birth or be okay attending births. And It's huge. Yeah. And, like, the the statue that you have, on your table, like, my mom had those all over the house. And I just remember, like, playing with those as, like, dolls when I was younger. So, yeah, I feel like that's kind of where things started. And from there, I went to, school for things completely unrelated to birth work technically. And at some point, wanted to do, my thesis at school on, different delivery methods and feeding methods and how that impacts your immune system and your gut floor and all these different things. And somewhere along the lines, learned what a doula was. And then then, I guess, like, the long story short of that was I learned what a doula was, did training, became a doula, started doing some work generally just with home births in the beginning, and then started to expand to hospitals. And I was like, this is this is off, but I couldn't pinpoint why. And then when I moved to Chicago, one of my really dear friends introduced me to free birth society, and radical birth work, and that was kind of just where everything took off. It was like, oh, okay. Got it. Now I understand, like, a name for why things were feeling a little off. We know a little off. A lot of off. I was gonna say. That's a watered down way
Speaker 2
to say. Yeah. Like, you're bugged up, but
Speaker 0
I couldn't pinpoint it when I first started. Like, why does this just feel Mhmm. Wrong? So so yeah. But that's not about me. So then I was really influenced by the podcast, and eventually decided to reach out to you and join the membership, which was incredibly worth it, just in serving women myself. But then when my partner and I became pregnant, which we a hundred and ten percent were not necessarily planning to have our son when we did, but Wow. But we want it. Like, we it was one of those things where, like, we were wanting to have him event or not knowing it was gonna be him. But
Speaker 2
wanting to
Speaker 0
have, a child, but didn't necessarily anticipate that it would be exactly when it was.
Speaker 2
So Yeah. Because you joined the membership as a birth worker. Uh-huh. And and we're engaging in that way, and then all of a sudden, it was like, holy shit, you guys.
Speaker 0
It's like, wait, wait, wait, wait, actually. Yeah. Yeah. And, yeah, and that was right after. So we were in Chicago, we were moving to Virginia to do life a little differently in the form of, like, an intentional community and a work shared trade for the house that we live in. Mhmm. So I had been seeking out, like, rent alternatives, just so we weren't just working and pouring all of our money into rent and then not really doing anything else with our our time. So we found or I found I found, truly, this place and the community here is it's, like, fifty percent focused on harvesting things on the farm and then fifty percent intentional community. So we had just moved here, and I think, like, the week after we moved here was when we found out. So we, like, no connections, not not necessarily outside of the farm, in the state. And yeah. So that the fact that we were really new was one of the reasons why I was feeling like I might actually want to have someone to touch base with for the pregnancy. So I started just doing some research on, midwives in the area. I am not on, like, Facebook, so I started reaching out to friends who were to see, like, okay. If they're, like, underground midwives, traditional midwives, like, who are they? What are the names? And tried to kinda start that way through some other birth workers I knew, and that wasn't really yielding too many results. So I just started just calling and emailing people. And from that, I started to set up some interviews in person, and I just had this long list of, like, interview questions. And they were really all based on, like, things that I had learned from the Freebird Society. So, essentially, everything is a variation of normal. It was kind of like my overall umbrella. So, okay, if I go outside of forty two weeks, like, what does that look like? And, if there's meconium in the water, like, how do you respond? So I really wanted to know, like, how this person would respond. And if they said anything outside of, like, yeah, that's normal or that's up to you, I was like, okay. Thank you. And then and then we weren't gonna see each other anymore. So, most of the most of the people were not okay with at least one thing. So I remember there was a post that I made on the free birth page, and, it was an email from one of the midwives when I was talking about Yeah. Yeah. When I was talking about, like, okay. Like, I don't think I want heart tones, but maybe if I felt like something was off and I wanted you to check my baby's heart tones, then I would ask you. But otherwise, I don't really want you, like, in and out bothering me. And she was like, well, I would really prefer to check. And I was like, and I got that same feeling when I first started doing, like, hospital bursts. Like, something just goes off. And I posted and asked everyone, like, what do you think about this? And you're like, it sounds like this person is not actually paying attention to what you want. And I was like, yeah. Thanks. Duh. So that was when I just said no. And I'm really, really, really thankful because after sifting through all of those different people, I was able to find someone who, when I asked about going over, she was like, oh, yeah. I delivered at forty three weeks, and that's really not that big of a deal. Like, we'll just see how baby is doing and see how you're doing. Or, like, she literally said variation of normal when I asked about, like, having meconium in the water or, just any other things that could come up that might be weird or off or uncomfortable
Speaker 2
to other people. So Or actually restricted by the state.
Speaker 0
Right. Right. So the other thing was that so she is the midwife that we did go with is a CPM, but was willing to pretty much default to me. So any situation where I would say, okay. What does the state require you to do? If I decline a test, like, how does that look? She would say, okay. Well, then you would just sign a piece of paper that says you decline, and then that's it. So we just gonna move forward in that way, and that felt okay to me. Was she a newer midwife or older? Or No. She was older. She's, just more like a like an older seasoned midwife who did it later in life. So she wasn't, like, a midwife since she was in her twenties or something. But, yeah, has a lot of babies and had worked with a lot of, like, plain women and people who didn't really want her to be around for the birth. Mhmm. And I was like, cool. That is exactly what I want. So so yeah. So throughout the pregnancy, the prenatal care looked like going in and having smoothies and talking about, like, birth wishes or thing that I was uncomfortable about, or we talked about politics a lot. I, needed the flu shot for work, but I wasn't really comfortable with that. So you know? Oh. So we, like, put a letter together so that I didn't have to get the flu shot. Nice. That was really valuable. And, yeah, she just was really, really, like, in our in our corner for things we wanna talk about. So for me, on my end, I was really trying to balance farming, during pregnancy, which I wouldn't recommend to anyone. It was terrible. It sucked so hard. It sucked so much. And the first trimester was, being, my partner and I being on the farm, and we didn't necessarily have a lot of farming experience. We had we didn't have any farming experience. We had gardening experience, but not really, like, actual heavy farm work. So trying to do that when all the people on your team don't necessarily know that you're pregnant and, you know, like, harvesting tomatoes and then being like, I'm gonna throw up. And then, okay. I'm gonna leave right now. And taking a golf cart back, was just finicky and hard. And it was hot, and it was the middle of, like, Virginia summer, and it sucked. So, eventually, I felt comfortable enough to start telling people, and everyone was outrageously supportive, which was really, really it was good. It was what we needed. And we
Speaker 2
Anything less than outrageously supportive is unacceptable. It's actually unacceptable.
Speaker 0
God. That's funny.
Speaker 2
Hey. We're gonna have to turn our videos off because the Internet's a little draggy. Okay. So it'll just turn click your video off as well, and it'll strengthen our audio. It's annoying because now we can't see each other, but it'll make Okay. It it was kinda, like, glitchy. So
Speaker 0
Okay. No problem.
Speaker 2
Okay. So everyone's supportive.
Speaker 0
Yeah. Everyone was really supportive. And the there are so the way our farm community works is that we are on we live on the property in a house, and then there are a few other houses. And then there are some yurts, and there are some pods, and there are some tiny houses, and people just live on the land that way. So Mhmm. Some of our friends in the community, in one of the other houses also had a home birth. So, her and her husband were really, really excited and wanted to share resources. And then a lot of the other people on the farm had known about this home birth midwife, and had been connected and just knew a lot about home birth already. So they were all very, very excited, just to be doing that. And throughout the pregnancy, I was telling people, I'm not necessarily even sure if I want my midwife to be there, which I also brought up to her during the interview. I said, okay. What if we go through the pregnancy and I decide I don't even want you there? She's like, okay. Then be ready to catch a baby. I was like, alright. Cool. I also, like, played with the idea of maybe I would want you to stay in your car in the driveway so that you're around, but you're not able to distract or disturb me. But if we decide that we do need you, that you're readily available, and she was also okay with that. So, again, anything that I was expressing that I wanted was not an issue, which is exactly how it should be. Mhmm. So so yeah. So we were connected with the the community at the farm. I was working super duper part time at the ice rink, in coaching and and teaching. And then second trimester shifted from feeling really nauseous and throwing up at and, like, on and off and just feeling terrible. And pretty much I would wake up, go farm for four hours ish, come back, feel really sick, sleep for the rest of the day, wake up, eat food, and then sleep, and then repeat. And the second trimester ended up getting really petty for me because there was a lot of feedback that I was receiving from people that I was, like, too small or that I wasn't, that it didn't look like how they were expecting me to look. And Oh,
Speaker 2
wow. Yeah. Not this coming from
Speaker 0
Not even not from people on the farm, just from, like, random people. You know the feedback that you get, like, unsolicited feedback that you get just, like, at the store getting a cup of tea. Actually didn't get any.
Speaker 2
Oh, bless. I know. I'm not sure if that's because I have such a bitchy aura or, like like, I don't know what happened, but I
Speaker 0
actually didn't receive that stuff. So I don't know what's going
Speaker 2
on there, but I understand that most women do. So people were just like, you mean mostly strangers were like, you're so small?
Speaker 0
It would yeah. It would be subtle things like okay. So a coffee shop example. Going to the coffee shop, and I looked, like, a little pregnant. And, you know, people say, like, oh, like, when are you due? And I'd say sometime in spring, and it's like, oh, you don't you don't look that pregnant at all. Like, you look like you're, like, very, very early on. It's like, what am I supposed to say to that? Like, okay. And eventually, it got to the point where I was just like, I don't wanna hear your feedback because because, like, what the fuck are you talking about? Like, who are you, and why are you giving me feedback on how far along I look? Or yeah. Yeah. I don't really have many, like, cohesive thoughts on that. Mostly just frustration and, like, why are you even talking to me about But
Speaker 2
it got it got to you.
Speaker 0
It did. It did. And I really started getting headier about, food around that time. So, a, it was already hard for me to like, I would either wanna eat absolutely nothing or it would feel like, I only want this one specific thing, that, like, maybe we didn't have at the time and then anything else wasn't really attractive. Or, like, I normally enjoy eating, and then all of a sudden, I wasn't really enjoying eating, or it was really hard to figure out what would make me feel good, or I would eat something that would make me feel terrible later. Mhmm. And that combined with feedback from people at the ice rink or just random strangers, was just really starting to get to me. I was like, am I not doing a good enough job at Mhmm. Growing this baby because I look smaller than people think I should and because I don't feel like I am necessarily attracted to food like I normally am. I guess, say, I have a pretty good relationship with with food and eating. And, yeah, I didn't during the second trimester. I was caught up on, like, whether or not I was getting enough of this and that or whether or not, I was messing things up for my baby, and that was really, really hard. But I started doing the, the meditation series, the sovereign birth series. And not that this fixed everything, but I used Nancy's meditations to just, like, reground myself, and all of them are focused on trust. Right? So they're all focused on, like, meaning your inner wise woman. And that meditation was really valuable for me. Or, like, focusing on there's one where you're, like, walking through a cave and you meet the wise woman on the other side and asking her, like, what you might need to know. And every single time it was just, like, trust your body. Trust your body. Trust your body. And that was it was just a really good grounding thing that I would do at night as I was going to sleep or when I was driving somewhere. And I know you're not really supposed to meditate in the car, but it was just having that reassurance, and those visuals again and again and again when I was driving in DMV traffic was outrageously beneficial. Yeah. So so yeah. So I mean, we made we made it through. Baby and I made it through, and it was hard, but then it really felt like it shifted sometimes toward the end because I was just over it. I was pretty much just like, alright. I'm done listening to people's feedback. I'm over feeling uncomfortable in my own body and, like, I can't trust myself. And, like, I'm gonna do this. I am going to have a healthy, large baby who maybe he'll I keep saying hate because we know. But maybe baby will be born breech, and that would be fine. And maybe baby will be super tiny, and that will be fine. And maybe baby will be huge, and that would be great. And we're just gonna see how this goes out. And I know that's very obvious to you, but and it's obvious to me too. Like, I tell people that all the time, but I really had to tell myself that and feel it and believe it.
Speaker 2
Look. No one gets out of the work, you know, and the work shows up in a lot of different ways. You know? For for me, I used to do this weird thing where I would convince myself that my baby wasn't growing a face.
Speaker 0
I remember you sharing that. Yeah.
Speaker 2
It's the weirdest thing. But a friend of mine had attended a birth that a baby that had had like the Zika virus or something and they were born without a face and that happened in my first trimester and it just like was a thing in my head, you know? So I mean, you can't get out of the work and it's gonna show up in some way shape or form and I think what you're really speaking to is that, you know, the the, you know, one of the one of the power points of your story is that at some point you're like fuck it, what will be will be like I can torture myself over the unknown or I can just throw my hands up and and turn towards it, you know, and and that's that's a pretty big deal that you were willing to shift into that.
Speaker 0
Yeah. It didn't feel it didn't feel like, the the entire time that I was shifting towards that didn't really feel super powerful. But after I really felt like I claimed it and started, like, saying it out loud or telling people, like, this is the feedback I'm getting. It sucks, and I'm not accepting it anymore Mhmm. Was when it felt, like, good to be Totally. Pregnant.
Speaker 2
And did you was your midwife a real ally for you around the the negative feedback you were getting? Did she kinda help be a a voice of reason?
Speaker 0
Mhmm. Mhmm. Yeah. I mean, she she reminded she really just, like, reminded me of what I already knew that, like, there is nothing like, my body was doing a great job growing a baby. We were, checking the fundal height, and baby or my body was always on point. So it wasn't really she was like, there's nothing to be concerned about. Like, everyone grows babies differently. Everyone carries babies differently. Mhmm. So, yeah, it was really
Speaker 2
And and no matter what, it stupid people stupid, ignorant, rude people are going to comment on you in one way or another. Right? So it's either gonna be you're too big, you're too small, you're too old, you're too young.
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
You know, like, it's gonna be something. Right?
Speaker 0
Yeah. Yeah. There's always some form of bullshit to receive.
Speaker 2
Oh, and I've had I mean, I've had clients that have told me that in the same day, someone has said, you look like you're having twins and you don't even look pregnant in in the same day. Like, just the the level of valuable feedback. Right. It just is so yeah. It just doesn't mean anything at all. Yeah.
Speaker 0
Yeah. Yeah. No doubt. So, yeah, she definitely was in our corner, but I feel like I wasn't really leaning on her to do that work so much. I was really, like, taking the feedback in and was really, like, leaning on my my community in, like, just my friends and the farm community here and the free verse society community and was really leaning on all of the other women a lot more to just feel like I like like it I don't know. Yeah. Just having other people share their stories and, like, yeah, people share ridiculous feedback, and it doesn't make sense, and it doesn't mean anything. Just to have all of that feedback was really good too. So yeah. Okay. That point is made. I feel like I kinda lost myself a little bit.
Speaker 2
So now you're moving into your third trimester, and
Speaker 0
and
Speaker 2
tell us about what it feels like to to be in the weeks leading up to your birth.
Speaker 0
Okay. So the weeks leading up to my birth, I was honestly feeling pretty good. There were a lot of people who were saying, like, third trimester is hard again because you are so big and you're uncomfortable, but I was feeling really good. I was started exercising again in the third trimester. And, yeah, just started feeling kinda normal again. Like, food was okay. And it wasn't really until the last two or three weeks that I was feeling really round and rotund and slow. Mhmm. But before that, I was feeling pretty vibrant, and that was probably my favorite part of the pregnancy. I was just moving my body a lot more. And, I mean, taking things slowly. Like, we would go on hikes. My partner and I would go on at least one hike a week, and I was slower, but but it felt good. And I could always feel like the baby would quiet down so so much when we were hiking. And then once we stopped, we'd be, like, really, really excited after. And my partner and I really love backpacking. So I was like, great. This baby is gonna be on point. It's gonna be a great hiking partner. And, yeah, we would just hike a lot, and I took lots of baths and just drank really good teas and walked around and spent time outside. And, yeah, it was Lived your life. Yeah. It was just normal. But I wasn't I wasn't paranoid anymore, and I had slowly been weaning off of working. So I was really just able to be with myself and prepare and start to just tap into the the, like, hugeness of what I was about to step into. I also ended up doing a Vipassana, because I was really trying to integrate, I would say, throughout the entire pregnancy and postpartum, I was trying to integrate a lot of the wisdom that I had gleaned from different women on the podcast. So I know that, Hannah Grace did a Vipassana, and I think maybe you did have done one too? Or Nope.
Speaker 2
Not I'm not pregnant.
Speaker 0
Okay. Well, I didn't finish mine, but that's a separate story.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Hannah did one.
Speaker 0
Okay. Okay. Yeah. So that was valuable for the time that I was able to stay for it. And, I did lots of postpartum planning towards the very end just from hearing how much that needs to be prioritized. I had a mother blessing with all of my sisters who I was planning to, come and care for me and baby in the first six weeks. So we had a mother blessing ceremony here and that was really, really beautiful. And, yeah, minimize stress. And that was really just what I focused on. The Vipassana was so valuable because I mean, I know you're familiar with Vipassana, but if people are not, it's the practice of meditation and being okay with what is. And it involves, you know, no communication, no eye contact for the entire ten days that you're doing it. And I was able to stay for three days, I believe. And it was so physically not okay for me. I just couldn't, like and they made so many accommodations, to, like, the sitting structure for me. And I didn't have to do all of the meditations, but I was just it was really hard to sleep without a million pillows. Mhmm. And then I wasn't really getting a lot of sleep, and you had to wake up at four AM. And then during the meditations, I was, like, falling asleep during them slash, like, baby was kicking around the entire like, for the whole hour. They would just be kicking my ribs. And I had to, like, step in and out to pee. And I just by the third day, I was like, I just am not getting the experience from this that I would like to. So so I ended up deciding to, leave. But the instructor or the supporter for, my group was actually also a former midwife. So she was just this really old sage woman who was like, it's because your baby wants you to learn this practice and is just really excited, but you don't have to do it now. Like, it could be done later, but, like, you're tuned in with your baby, and I trust you to know what you need. And it was it was so loving, and I'm really thankful for the experience even if it wasn't completed. But I still felt really cared for and was able to work on just being with the uncomfortableness for hours on end every single day. And I felt like that was still a good practice for for labor ultimately. At thirty nine weeks, my husband and I were going to go to, visit some family. And that morning, we woke up, and I was feeling really beautiful. And he's really into photography right now. So we had, like, a pregnancy photo shoot. Aww. I think a pregnancy photo shoot, and it was so nice. And then, yeah, I was just feeling like, like, I'm wonderful, I'm beautiful. Like, this is gonna be just like a good day. And I got up and went to the bathroom and I noticed my mucus plug was in the toilet. And I was like, Oh, yeah, I could do this. So I got super excited and I didn't really know what to do with myself because I wanted to, like, share it with people, but I didn't really know who I could, like, send a picture of it to to, like, share my excitement without them being, like,
Speaker 2
what the what the heck is Us. Yeah.
Speaker 0
I didn't actually post it on there, but I sent it to my mom. I was like, look at this. She's like, it's beautiful. And I was like, I know. So, yeah. So I lost my mucus plug, and, of course, my partner and through the pregnancy, we were talking about different birth topics with my partner. Like, I mean, I don't know if there's any way for him to possibly know as much as I did for doing birth work for five years. But there were still a few things he knew, but most of the things I would just say, like, that's just a variation of normal. Could be this, could be that. So when I lost it, he was like, oh, does that mean labor's, like, happening today? And I was like, could be today, could be a few weeks from now, could be in an hour. Like, who knows? And he was like, okay. Everything is vague. Got it. So so we That's funny. We're trying to figure out, should we leave? Should we stay? And I called my mom who I I should mention I know I mentioned that she's a midwife, but when I, was telling her that I was pregnant and we started talking about, the delivery and the kind of birth that I really wanted for myself, I mentioned that I would maybe wanna do a free birth. I'd maybe want a midwife there. Would she be interested in coming and being my midwife, or or what? And just kind of what that would look like. And she was super supportive of doing a free roast. She was like, yeah. I mean, you trust your body. And if that feels good to you, then that's gonna be what you need. And if it feels good to you to have support, then that's gonna be what you need. And I felt like that was really this was earlier on in the first trimester, but that was really when I was like, yeah. Like, I have so many people in my corner who trust me that there's, like, no I mean, there's never a reason that I shouldn't be able to trust myself, but it felt so reassuring to have, like, my mom who's my best friend to really be like, of course. Like, of course. Like, you trust yourself, and if that feels good, then that's what you should do. And just have, like, no doubt in her voice or any, like, oh, but what if? Or do you think like, it was just a hundred percent, like, yeah. That's what you should do. That's what you should do. If you that's that. If that's what you feel you should do. Mhmm. So okay. So I lose my mucus plug, and we decide to stay here because the thought of potentially laboring in the car or laboring on the side of the road. It was like, I could do it, but I don't really want to. So we decided to stay here, which is great because the rest of that evening, we just stayed in and had, like, really nice food and cuddled a bunch and talked. And I had a few on and off waves, but they were mostly really mild. And I just got in different positions and, didn't really make any sounds through them. So it just felt like, yeah, I could keep doing this. Like, I could I could do this for days. This is fine. And, I remember my partner asking, like, how long does this go on for? And I was like, oh, you know, it could be a week. It could be for the next hour. Like, who knows? He was like, got it. Still bake. Okay. So later that night slash early morning, I woke up and was having, like, things were just a little different. And it wasn't crazy, and it wasn't super intense, but it just felt like how it did throughout the day, but different. I don't really know how to pinpoint it. But I I think it was three AM, and I wasn't planning to time contractions, but I decided, like, oh, okay. Let's see. And things were, like, ten ish, seven ish, five ish minutes apart and just kinda fluctuated from five to ten. So I texted my mom and was like, okay. So I don't think you really need to do anything right now, but I'm just letting you know that I think things might start progressing in the next few days. So, yeah, I just sent her a text so she knew and was really just kinda, like, falling in and out of sleep for an hour. And then by four, I was like, okay. This is annoying. I'm just gonna get up. And literally, once I committed to being awake, my body was like, all right, you are in labor. I started like, oh, there's a contractions and, started waking, Jordan up and just was, like, on hands and knees in the bed. And they weren't really too too bad, but I was like, okay. I need to not be in the bed anymore for this. So I got up and told him, I'm gonna just go take a bath. And I started trying to set the bathtub up, but I wasn't getting enough time in between the waves to, like, bend down on my knees and, like, grab the sponge to, like, wipe off the side first or to lean over and, like, turn the water on and then to, like, adjust. Like, I wasn't I didn't have enough time to even adjust the temperature. And that was when I was like, this is maybe a little more intense than I wanna handle by myself right now.
Speaker 2
So I will I hope everybody listening is understanding that the women who think it's gonna take multiple days and take it super chill and all of that, they always have the great quick births. And if you're someone like me who is like, I'm definitely having it in a couple hours, you get the three day birth. So I really hope you're taking a lesson from this story.
Speaker 0
The funny thing is that later on and through the entire experience of being in labor, I kept telling myself and I kept telling Jordan, like, maybe I'm just a baby and maybe I'm just really in early labor and nothing's actually happening, and then this will just go on for three days because it could go on for three days, and that would be normal. And he would just look at me and be like, I don't think that's happening. And I was really trying to not psych myself out to assuming things are going to happen quickly, And I wanted to wrap my head around like this could go on for three days, and that would be fine and normal and okay. It's really Brace yourself. Thank you. Thanks. It was I mean, that wasn't what happened, but but I kept telling I kept telling him, like, it's probably really early, and I'm probably just being a baby about this whole thing. He's like, maybe. But maybe you're actually really in labor. So, anyway, I had him get up to clean the bathtub out and, run the bath. And I just started, like, hunched over, like, walking through the house, like, putting up affirmations on the walls because I hadn't set them up yet. But, my sisters had painted some for me during the mother blessing. So I was just taping them up on the walls and then having contractions and, like, attempting to text them to say, I think things are happening. Light your candles. And, yeah, it was just a frantic, like, affirmation mess. And I didn't really look at any of them throughout the labor.
Speaker 2
That'll be the title of your episode, a frantic affirmation mess. Yes. Okay. Clarkie Stork. That's good. We'll give you something better. We'll give you something better.
Speaker 0
I don't know if that's really a bad title But so I was I love
Speaker 2
the image of you like fully in labor trying to set up your own shit That's so funny.
Speaker 0
I just didn't I also wasn't assuming I was gonna go into labor early. That was the other thing. I was assuming this could go on for another six weeks, and that would be normal. So every single yeah. I just was stretching out the realm of possibility to be a lot farther than it ended up being. And
Speaker 2
It's smart. Yeah.
Speaker 0
Thanks. It didn't feel smart when I was taping things up, but but it worked out. So I'm doing that. The water is ready. I get in the tub. I'm having interactions and I'm moaning. And at this point, Jordan was like, okay. What, like, what do you what do you need? And I was like, I want food. And he's, like, offering a bunch of different foods, and I'm like, no. All of those sound bad. And then things started getting a little more intense, and I was like, okay. I want you to call my mom. So called my mom. I talked to her for maybe a few minutes, and then waves are coming more intense. And she is talking to Jordan eventually because I couldn't keep up with the conversation anymore. And on his end, he was talking to her about, like, I don't really know what to do. She wants me to be in there to hold my hands on her head because my hands are cold. And then she also wants me to get food, but I don't wanna burn the mac and cheese. But then, like, I also think she's gonna throw up. And, like, I don't really know what she wants. And my mom later because she ended up making it that night after I'd already delivered. But she was like, oh, okay. I really wish I could be there. And this was kind of when I started realizing I might want some more hands because I was really asking for Jordan to do multiple things at the same time. Like, I started demanding for him to bring me food, but I also wanted him to stay in the room and have his hands on my head. And that wasn't really physically possible. So so eventually, he was like, would it be okay if we called the midwife? And I was like, no. Not yet. I think it's too early. I don't think I'm farther enough in labor because I wanted to wait until I was Mhmm. Very much towards the end to have things be undisturbed and not really, taper off. So I was like, I don't think I'm close enough. Like, no. We're gonna keep waiting. He was like, okay. So then he tries to bring me mac and cheese in a bowl, and then I think I had, like, a spoonful of it. And then eventually felt like I needed to throw up. So then he brought the pot that the mac and cheese was cooking in. Oh, jeez. And it wasn't in there anymore, but I threw up in that because that was the closest thing to him. And then after that, like, could not eat mac and cheese for Oh,
Speaker 2
for months. Yeah.
Speaker 0
It was just not not it. And, yeah. So after throwing up a bit, I was like, okay. I think it'd be okay to have her come in. And he had asked again, and I was like, yeah. That'd be alright. So, it took her, like, an hour to get here. So during this entire time, I'm still in the tub. And, really, it was just, like, in the tub, on the toilet, in the tub, on the toilet, in the tub. And then eventually, she arrived. She did not come into the room because that was something that I expressed ahead of time that I wanted, like, any communication happened through Jordan. Come in quietly. Please, like, say a prayer at the door or prepare yourself ahead of time. So I didn't really know that she came in, and it wasn't until Jordan had left, the bathroom to give me some space and then came back and was like, hey. She's here. Is it okay, if she comes to say hi? And I was like, okay. Yeah. That'd be fine. So, I stepped out of the room out of the bathroom for a little bit and was just on hands and knees. And she was just kinda asking how things were going, how I was feeling, if I was feeling movement from baby, which I was. So that all felt good. She asked if she could check, the heart tones, and I was like, no. Not yet. Not feeling not feeling like I want that just yet, and that was okay. And things did slow down, and I got pissed about that. So, I she had, like, walked away to, like, either the living room on the couch or something. And I was looking at Jordan, and I was like, the tractions are slowing down. Like, this is wrong. Like, I knew this. Like, we it was too early, and, like, this is a problem. And, and he was like, okay. Like, maybe we can step like, let's go into another room and, like, step away for a little bit. And I was just like but I'm still having these contractions, but now they were, I don't know, five minutes apart again, and I wasn't timing at that point. But they weren't as intense. And I was just pissed about it because I was like, we were doing good. Like, we were doing good. We had it, and I got up, and now it's ruined. So we went to the bedroom, and we just cuddled for a while and tried to sleep for a little bit. And this was probably one of the coolest parts of the labor because I'm just, like, laying in the bed angry. Just like, yeah, it's not working anymore. We're gonna have to ask her to leave. And I'm like, okay. Do I ask her to leave now? Or, like, what do I do about this? And I'd, like, have a thought and would kind of fall asleep and would wake up from a contraction. And it felt like I was sleeping for, like, half an hour stretches. And it was, like, two minutes were going by. So I'd, like, be frustrated, fall asleep, be woken up by a contraction, and then look at the clock and be like, oh, wait. This is this is fast again. So that went on for, I don't know, maybe an hour, but I was just so like, I thought I was sleeping. I could have sworn I was sleeping for half an hour to forty five minutes in between, but I was not at all. And, yeah, it just felt things felt good again. Things felt good and natural and fluid. And so we got up, and it wasn't slowing down. I ended up going back to the bathroom, getting back in the tub. And that was when I started, like, yelling. And not like I don't even know if yell I don't know if there's really a word. Like, roaring didn't feel right, yelling. I feel like I was, like, screaming bloody murder, but was it just it was like ear piercing, like, at the top of my lungs, yelling during these contractions. And and then it would end and I'd be like, this isn't so bad. I can keep doing this. And it was the weirdest weirdest thing in the world of just this crazy intense sensation where I was not in this world. And then I'd come back, and everything would feel fine. And I was like, okay. Yeah. We can we can keep doing this. Like, labor is labor is okay. And that was when, the midwife, asked to come into the bathroom. So, she was in the bathroom and asked if she could check baby. She was like, I feel like you're probably really close to being done, just from how you sound. And I was like, yeah. Okay. That it feels okay to check baby. So checked the heart tones. Baby sounded fine. I should mention that through the entire pregnancy, we opted to have, the fetoscope to listen to baby in the very beginning because I was still, figure skating. And I, did a a program where I had fallen a few times, and I was getting kinda sketched out about, like, what if, like, I shook things up too much or if I threw things off or if baby is still even there, because of just falling from being in the air. And so I did want to check baby out then, so we did that. Baby was fine. And and then that was the only, time we used the, the dopp sorry. I said stethoscope maybe, but I meant doppler. We used the doppler then after that, I expressed that I didn't wanna use it anymore. Didn't wanna expose baby to, any more ultrasound waves than necessary. And she was completely respectful of that. And then we just waited until we could hear baby with the, pheasoscope. And then and then that was it. So so yeah. So during labor, listened to baby, with the Doppler again. That was something that I did want. And then ended up getting up to go to the toilet. And I was like, I really, really just need to poop right now. And I know that those are, like, the famous last words of every person who maybe doesn't think that they need to, like, that they're as far as they are. And I knew that when I was saying it, and I was like, you're probably really close to being done. But I was still like, this could go on for days. We could be doing this for days still. And, the midwife had mentioned or asked if I wanted to check myself to see where baby was at. And I was like, yeah. Okay. Yeah. I if I wanted to check I had mentioned again to her in the beginning when I we were talking about birth visions for how I wanted the birth to look. I said, if if I want any sort of checking to be done, I want it to be done by myself. And, like, I will ask you if I want you to check me, but, otherwise, I want to do it myself. And if I'm having trouble, I want you to to tell me how to do it. So she asked if I wanna check myself. I did. And I remember putting, like, two fingers in, and then it was like like a funk to hit the top of my baby's head. And I was like, oh, there's a head there.
Speaker 2
Oh, that's the best.
Speaker 0
It was so fun. She was like, yeah. That's your baby. And I was like, yeah. That's right there. And I pulled my hand out. I was like, oh, he's not that far at all. And then had another one of those screaming contractions. And during this, like, I just wanna paint the visual for you that I'm, like, sitting on the toilet. I have one foot, like, pressed against the sink, and I'm, like, gripping the curtains in the side of the tub, kicking things, like, in the bathroom and yelling at the top of my lungs. And then after it, I'm looking my midwife or Jordan dead in the eye, and I was like, okay. That wasn't so bad. And then that just kept going on for a while. Eventually, I didn't feel like I had to poop anymore. So I wanted to get up and we moved to the bedroom. The one point where I was oh, okay. Maybe I'd say two points. The one point where I was originally frustrated was because things slowed down after I got out of the bathroom and when she had arrived. And once we were in the bedroom, I didn't really necessarily know if I wanted to be on the bed or if I just wanted to stand because I didn't really have a lot of time in between the waves. So I was, like, moving into the bedroom, but stopping in between and then moving and then stopping, of course. And I'm, like, dripping the entire way through. My water still hadn't completely opened. They really hadn't opened at all. It was just dripping from the tub. So we get in there, and she had asked if I wanted to maybe get on the bed and lean back onto Jordan. So I was like, okay. I did that, and it felt like I was drowning in the contraction. Like, it was the worst thing in the world. And I, like, I couldn't get my I just couldn't get, like, the head of it. I couldn't breathe through it. I wasn't comfortable. I couldn't grab things, and I just felt like I was just drowning in I don't know what, but I could not handle the energy in that position. So I got out of that as quick as possible and, like, gotten to all fours and was like, no. We're not doing that. And after that, she was like, okay. We're not doing that. And then I just, like, she didn't really make any other suggestions, for a bit because I was really just, like, in hands and knees and moving with my body, and that was feeling okay. And eventually, my water is released, and that felt so good. I remember, like, sitting back and just, like, kind of, like, like, rubbing, like, my body into the water that it just, like, poured all over, the pads on the bed. And it was just like, oh, that felt amazing. And it was just like this warm comforting rush, and it relieved so much pressure. And then I, put my hands in again, and it was like, baby was one knuckle away. And I was like, oh my gosh. He's right there.
Speaker 2
It's the best.
Speaker 0
It was it was so good. It was so, so good. So, I don't know how much time had gone by at this point, but eventually, I was, like, looking at her, and I was like, okay. How do we end this? Like, he's right there. We're really close. Like, how do I end this? And she was like, keep doing what you're doing. Maybe you could try to, like, lean on Jordan and squat for a few of the next contractions. And I was like, yeah. Let's do that. So I was leaning onto Jordan, and I can send you a picture of this. But I'm leaning into Jordan, and he's holding me up. And I'm, squatting down when the contractions were really, really intense. And then and then in between, I would kind of have my legs straddled around him, and then he had his legs straddled. So I was just sitting on him, and it felt really good. Like, I would still do the screaming at the top of my lungs thing. And then in the middle of the contractions, I was just tired, but I could feel my baby's head right there. And at this point, I was really just, like, squatting on him straddled, and I'd have my hand in between my legs and was just feeling baby's head. And I was like, okay. Okay. I'm almost there. And then it would happen again. I'd be completely off of this planet and then would come back and would feel okay. Still getting there. Almost done. And did that for I don't know how long. Probably not that long. I think it was an hour. I think it was an hour of that position. And then it was, like, Baby was so close, and he wasn't really you know you know, the back and forth thing that can happen. He wasn't necessarily doing that. And, I looked at them, and I said, look, I want this to be over. Like, he's right there. I'm I'm done. And we didn't know what what he was, but I was ready to be completely done with this experience. So I really, really, like, yelled at the next one, and his head came out. And another thing that I had mentioned, before to my midwife is that I wanted to catch my baby. I didn't want her hands anywhere near catching him. I was like, the priority is me catching the baby. If I'm not in a position or capacity to catch him, I want Jordan to catch him. And if Jordan is not in a position or capacity to catch him because he wasn't necessarily sure, if that would feel good for him, then I was like, then you can catch the baby. But we're running through the line of I think it was me, Jordan, my mom, if she was able to make it, and then the midwife. And no one else was able to catch like, someone should catch a baby, but I wanted the priority to, of course, be us. So his head was out, and she was like, the head's out. And I was like, oh, I'm done. And then I just pushed another time and just shoved the rest of them out, into my hands. And and that was it. And I like he was just slippery and screaming. And I was just laughing because it was over, and I was so like, it just yeah. It just felt good, and I was done, and it didn't feel painful anymore. And I just was holding my baby and and that was it. And then we were done. And, eventually, we decided to look. And the entire pregnancy, I had a feeling that it was a boy, and there's no I don't know. There was no way to know. And we tried some of the, you know, the tests and things just for fun, but I just felt like it's probably a boy. But we could not decide on a boy's name. So he didn't have a name for a very long time. We had plenty of girls' names decided, but we could not decide on a name, that felt good. And then he was born, and it was like, it's been you the whole time. Oh, it's the best. It was so it was just so easy. It just felt like like you're the same. I mean, duh, it's the same person. But, you know, like, you're the person that I that I felt like you were. And it was just really cool to just to do it. And it just felt simple, and it wasn't there wasn't any drama. And there like, that was it. And the placenta delivered very quickly. So I'm remembering all of these things that I had mentioned or asked now that I'm, like, actually in the birth story. But something I had men asked during the interview process when speaking to other midwives was, what the third stage looks like when they're supporting people. And for my midwife, she said that she just normally leaves the room to go clean up and tidy things up for people and prepare some herbs and just kinda lets things happen. If it's going on for quite a few hours, then maybe she would offer some herbs or things that might be necessary. But, otherwise, just we'll leave to clean things up. But that didn't really happen because I delivered the placenta in five minutes. And, it just slid out really easily. Also felt really good just like when the waters opened. And Mhmm. Yeah. And it was a big placenta, which I was thrilled about from being told that I was small. Yeah. I mean, it was this chunky, healthy looking placenta, and I was like, screw everyone who said that. I looked really small. Like, this is a huge organ that I made from scratch. And then baby wasn't tiny either, and that was cool. He wasn't ten pounds because I was low key hoping that he was just gonna be, like, this huge ten pound baby so I could just be like to, like, anyone who ever doubted my body. But, I mean, he was it was still a sizable baby, and that felt really good too. So then we got in bed, and we just looked at him and talked to him, and he didn't really wanna nurse right away. So we didn't. And, and I should mention that my midwife did have a a student, who did join her, and that was only after there was one person who she she asked if we'd be okay meeting the student. I said yes. I didn't like her, and I expressed that to her. And she was like, okay. Then she's not. She won't be there. And then there was another person who I did really like, and I said that it would be okay for her to come. But she did not have the student come until I gave permission as it should be, and she asked. And I was like, yeah. I want her to come now, but I want her to stay kind of, like, farther back and more removed. And I didn't really see her the entire time until the very end. And she was the one who took some pictures for us, which was really great. And it was just kinda, like, right by the garbage can in the bedroom. Just taking some pictures. And, she had really good quiet energy and was not disruptive at all, and I barely noticed her. And I was really thankful for that too. But yeah. So then they cleaned up, and they made some herbs and set up the bed. And we laughed. And then after about an hour, they left, and we just all fell asleep together in the bed.
Speaker 2
Yeah. The most perfect story. And how did nursing go?
Speaker 0
Nursing started off kind of rough because I guess I don't really know why. I don't know if it was just the expectations that I had. I was assuming that it was going to be challenging because I had known so many people who had challenges. And it wasn't that I couldn't our baby was getting on, but it didn't feel good. And I remember, like, sitting in bed, and I would like, my toes were curling, and my mom was thankfully there that night. And she had nursed all of us and had a great experience. And I was just like, what what do I do? Like, why is this so uncomfortable? And she just the first night would wake up whenever we she heard, baby crying and would come in and help me position him. And we were trying to figure out how to nurse side lying, and she was really, really integral into my ability to figure out, like, how to troubleshoot nursing. So it started to feel a little bit better, but I think there's just some damage from the first day or so of not getting him on quite right. Mhmm. And it just wasn't feeling good for a few weeks, but I ended up speaking with, Lisa Masters. And, yeah, in the group, and we just had a, like, a breastfeeding call. And she was so so so incredibly valuable to being able to figure out different positioning or baby started spinning up a lot because I had a really strong letdown and essentially was able to kind of demystify the whole, like, it's not supposed to hurt thing. Like Mhmm. Yeah. It's gonna it's gonna be uncomfortable because you haven't fed someone with your body before, which my mom also said and my other friends who were breastfeeding were also normalizing for me. And yeah. And then can be, I think, is
Speaker 2
a good way of phrasing it.
Speaker 0
Mhmm. Right. Right. It doesn't have to.
Speaker 2
No, no, I mean, it totally wasn't for me, and it isn't for everybody, so it's, I think it's important to, because also the other thing that we wanna set you up for is, you don't want to assume it's gonna be uncomfortable again, if you have another child, right? So Right. Right. Keeping that kind of openness of, like, it can feel uncomfortable, it can feel painful, it can feel weird. That is just another variation of normal or another good good piece of information. But then the the shadow side of that is we have to be careful of not expecting it to be funky or,
Speaker 0
you know? Mhmm.
Speaker 2
But So how are you feeling now seven seven weeks out?
Speaker 0
Seven weeks out, I am truthfully not feeling as good as I, thought I would at this point. But I think a lot of that has to do with the the situation and the quarantine things going on right now. So I was anticipating having, all of these friends and women come into care for us for six weeks and had all of the trains and car rides and flights and things were all coordinated. And then that all really got, messed up because of the quarantine situation. So we had, I'd say, like, less than half of the amount of support we were anticipating having. Mhmm. So I had to there were a few days where I had to get up, because no one else was here at the house except for me. And I've just had to do more things than I would have wanted to. Yeah. And that really sucks. But I really tried to respect the first forty days as much as possible, which I think has made a really huge difference. I can't imagine what I would feel like if I didn't respect the first forty days in bed as much as possible. But, yeah, I'm still having a bit of uncomfortableness, but I think it really just plays into not having the capacity to rest as much as I deserve to.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 1
And seven weeks is still really fresh.
Speaker 2
Yeah. You know, even though culturally, it's like most women are supposed to be separated from their young and back to work, you know, really, really soon. I would a
Speaker 0
lot of.
Speaker 2
I would say seven weeks is you're still, like, really in it. That's, you know, really that first twelve weeks is kind of its own little
Speaker 0
bubble. Yeah. It still feels like I'm really in it. Mhmm. And I ended up getting food poisoning at week three and
Speaker 2
No. Yeah. Oh my god.
Speaker 0
I would have rather have done labor every single day for seven days instead of vomiting and going to the bathroom as often as I did for
Speaker 1
And having to take care
Speaker 2
of a newborn.
Speaker 0
Yeah. It was it was rough. It was rough. Wow. I think that threw the healing off too by quite a bit. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Man, brutal.
Speaker 0
Yeah. That was terrible.
Speaker 2
Well, you did it, girl.
Speaker 0
Woo hoo. Thanks. It's been
Speaker 2
such, yeah, such a joy to to watch your whole journey and to have known you from pre pregnancy and just how gracefully you handled your pregnancy and just like did the work and created the story that you wanted for yourself and for your family. You know, it's really, I know it can feel when you're inside it, like, so simple, but it really is paradigm shifting. And it's it's deeply inspiring, you know, to so many women just so that they know that that can be them too.
Speaker 0
Yeah. Thank you. Well, thank you for all of the, just like, wisdom shared because all of the just from, like, the having access to women to ask, like, is this normal? Is it weird if this feels off? Or, like, what was your experience? Or to have the reassurance or to just have, like, a circle of people online to say, like, you look strong and beautiful, and your body is so capable of this. And then to also have that in person, was just so reassuring. And of course, like you said, no one gets out of doing the work, and I still had to do that. But it was really good to have that that touch point. Yeah.
Speaker 2
I mean, we should all be doing the work while being well supported.
Speaker 0
Mhmm. Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Yeah. And kudos to your to your midwife. I'm so glad you were able to find someone who was in alignment with you and your vision and your family, and that's so special.
Speaker 0
Yeah. Yeah. It was really it was really beautiful. I don't other than that one position that was not working for me, everything else felt like the decisions that I made felt good to have her there when she was there. Totally. That we maneuvered even the delay really well and just being able to isolate ourselves and then come back into it. And it didn't feel she wasn't, like, in our face at any point. Totally. And that was Yeah. It sounds perfect. Yeah. Awesome. Well, thank you. Thank you too.
Speaker 1
That's it for today, everyone. Join us next week for another episode of the Free Birth Podcast. Thanks for joining us, and remember, your body, your choice. Lots of love.
