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Into the wild, I'm going into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home. Into the wild, I'm good. Into the wild, I'm here. It's been a while, freedom child, since I left my roots back home.
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Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative, we'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
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It's been a wild freedom change since I've left my rules back home.
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Hi, everyone. We are back, oh my goodness, with season four of the Free Birth Society podcast. Four years? My god. This is so exciting. It's crazy. It's hard for me to even wrap my head around it. I'm Emily Saldea, and wow, just what a year. I do wanna send my love out to each and every one of you with a reminder that now is the time to shed ourselves of the bullshit, to set those boundaries, purify that toxicity, increase that self care, and stand for the light. We have to make it mean that, right? This year is such a deep invitation for all of us to fully embody our roles as powerful women in our communities, matriarchal leaders in our families, and to stand together for and with women and families and ourselves. I know that we're all feeling the polarization, the intensity, but remember, your sisters are out there. We are all here doing the good work, and we have to stay connected. So with that, there's a lot going on over here at Free Birth Society per usual. We have a lot of amazing new courses in the pipeline, for later this year, but most excitingly, enrollment is open for the second round of our incredible program, the Radical Birthkeeper School. So if you have the call to become an authentic midwife and step up in your community, join us. We want you with us. I'm so proud of
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what we've done here, and it will sell out. So get your
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get your space over at radical birthkeeperschool dot com. Let's see what else. My family and I are moving to the southeast. We have found
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a really special place that can be a home to not only us, but to
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the next iteration of the vision of
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what Free Birth Society is and and what it can be.
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So I want you to picture acreage, yurts, deep spring water, woods, food forests, dark starry nights, hot tubs,
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and pools, and hiking, and chickens, and dancing, and singing, and fires, all coming together with women.
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I can't wait, and it's really happening. I'm quite thrilled. So more on that later.
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I,
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also have been feeling our next baby pretty strongly
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in our household. I'm noticing that he's with me all the time, so that really has the beginning tingles of all the excitement that comes with preparing to call in new life, into my body, into my heart, my home, my family. Really excited to, yeah, start to open that up and feel that again, and welcome welcome our next baby in next year sometime. So with that, I'm excited to introduce to
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you the first guest of season four, my amazing friend, Jess, from Arizona, who chose a free birth after her first birth resulted in a fear mongering c section due to breech presentation. Tired of being pathologized in the system, Jess began to feel the presence of her daughter, and she turned towards trust, had a wild pregnancy, and roared her baby into the world. Actually, when I was fourteen, teen, I had this intense awakening to motherhood. And I was at this church activity and they did this activity where we had to stand behind a tree and then it was late at night, sounds kinda weird but whatever, we stood behind a tree and then and then one of the leaders stood behind on the other side of the tree and she asked you questions as if she were your daughter. And just asking how much you love her and how you'll take care of her and what kind of life you're going to have. And it just got me it just, like, made me plunge into it all. And I just started feeling my children so deeply.
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Wow.
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And I started studying all of this stuff. I started studying child development and got way into all these things. What was funny is that I I was taking a child development class and of course they're like, you have to go to the hospital. And, so I was planning how I was going to have a natural childbirth and fight everybody in the hospital. And, so that was that was what I was thinking. As I got older, I started to research more about home births. I had an aunt that had several home births, that I had actually actually attended, but I was just a kid and didn't know what I was missing. So I was just in the living room watching movies. No idea what I was missing. Oh my god. That's so cute. Miracle life's happening next door, but I know. It's fine. I'll just be in here. Sounds sounds boring anyway. But I ended up watching, of course, The Business of Being Born, which, like, every, you know, home birther watches at first, and it, you know, DFI's midwives way too much. Mhmm. Which was kind of my problem that carried into my first birth. So Mhmm. A couple years after I had watched that and started researching home birth, I, you know, met my husband. We fell in love very quickly, got married very quickly. And I told him, I was like, well, I'm gonna have a homebirth. And he's like, okay. Cool. That makes sense. And he looked at some statistics, was super supportive. I have endometriosis, and a lot of my aunts that have had it, they had trouble with infertility. So I just thought, oh, that's gonna be my story. Like, I'm gonna be infertile, and then, you know, I'm gonna get myself more healthy. I'm gonna figure it out. And within a few years, I'll be able to get pregnant. So I just thought it was gonna be a process for me. So I started the fertility awareness method, and I got pregnant just right off the bat. So I was like, oh, that was just a few months after we got married. We were not financially ready. Woah. I just thought I was like, well, I'll just start the process because I had felt my children once again right after we got married, and they were kind of saying, like, hey, we want we're gonna come soon. Like, get ready. And I was like, oh, this means get ready. They're gonna come in a few years once I get fertile. No. They were starting right away. Because you were already fertile. Yeah. I was already fertile. I had no idea. So, gosh. Just the story. The story of, like, the brokenness of our bodies, you know, like, the disconnection. What did this? Yeah. Yes. Yes. Oh my goodness. I yeah. I had no idea. I'm so glad that I was able to overcome that and not like, because I because I knew in my mind I was like, I will get pregnant. Like, I definitely will. It will be a process though. So I thought I was broken and that I would heal, but it turns out that I was fertile. It was just a story. Yeah. Yeah. It was just a story I made in my brain. Probably
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to
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I don't know. Just in case I was infertile, I wanted to make sure that I was protected or whatever I did. Mhmm. Anyway, I was pregnant. My family was very freaked out by how fast I got pregnant. I was kinda freaked out too. Mhmm. But, yeah, I sought after a midwife very quickly, and all I did was since, you know, every midwife is perfect and they're all the same, I just looked up the midwives in my area. We were in Ohio at the time. And I just looked at some pictures, and I was like, oh, that one looks nice. I'll call her. So I called her, didn't really interview her. But her and I did have a really great connection, which I love. That was that was really nice. But, yeah, I was just like, well, I'm gonna choose you as my midwife. She's like, oh, you don't have any questions? I was like, no. You're a midwife. You're good. We're good. Mistake number one, of course. So I Yeah. So she's like, oh, I'm gonna just need another another midwife with me. I'm not officially licensed in Ohio. I'm licensed in another state, so I just need another midwife with me. And I'm gonna choose one, which was mistake number two. Because this midwife, I did not connect with at all. Oh. I just I really didn't. And I was trying so hard. And I was like, well, my midwife said that this midwife would work with me really well, and she thought we'd get along. So we're gonna have to get along. Mhmm. And we did, you know. But Right. But the framing could have, should have been. So in order for me to do this within, you know, the the licensure and and my comfort zone, I do need another midwife. Let's go through the couple I know and see who you land with and anyone you don't vibe with, no questions asked, I'll just try a different one out. You know what I mean? Like, it could be Yeah. There's a win win there that just doesn't get presented. No. It doesn't. And I've just seen that I've seen that with I mean, I'm I interviewed some other midwives in this pregnancy. That's for later. But, I mean, I've just seen that over and over again. It's like, oh, and I'll have another person with me. And it's like, okay. Right. Why am I interviewing you if like, a faceless, like, irrelevant thing when in fact in many stories it's the thing that sabotages the whole freaking birth. And that's basically what happened. So I asked her for, so I started meeting with them. I asked about ultrasound. I was like, can you send me some studies about that? Because I don't know how I feel about it, but I want to understand. She basically said it doesn't improve outcomes, but it would be really helpful, you know, if we had those measurements. And I was like, oh, you know, I wanna help them because, you know, it's not about me. And then, of course, everyone's, like, asking me, are you gonna find out the gender? Are you gonna find out the gender? Because it's so important, and I'm never gonna find it out if I don't find it out in the middle of my pregnancy, apparently. So we got the ultrasound, and once they got the results, found out we were having a boy. Very exciting. Yeah. So they got the results and they which was this was nice. They came to my home and they sat me down, and they're like, okay, we need to tell you something that we found in the ultrasound. So they found that there's a septate in my uterus. So I just So? You later found out it's just this little thing. I mean, it's not a big deal. No. It's not a big deal. It's a uterus. Yeah. They were kind of a community. It's a variation of normal that that, like with everything, could run with a different set of potential risks, but Mhmm. Everything comes with its own set of risks. Wow. Sitting down. That's so intense. I know. I know. I was like but I just I have this feeling, like, they were like, oh, you should, like, seek care, like, secondary care. Like, seek for somebody else just in case or whatever. Well, not somebody else. A doctor. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. Not just We need a man on the case. I know. What's up with that? Your uterus is slightly different than other uterus that we hear. It's just so crazy. It's just it's so commit the the whole model is so committed to pathologizing. It's just Everything. Never ceases to amaze me. Just yeah. There's just no there's no normalcy allowed. It's really quite it's quite startling. Anyway, so they they found the thing. Right? They found the thing out. Yeah. The thing so that I could get secondary care. And I was I just this was like my intuition. It was just like, this is gonna be fine. This is not going to be a problem. Mhmm. But I just told them, I was like, it's gonna be fine. And the second midwife, I'll call her midwife number two, the one that came when I didn't want her there. But, she was saying that she actually she's like, oh, I've actually been to attended a birth where the woman had an arcuate uterus and everything was fine and the baby was head down. And I was like, well then Me too. Let's just do this. Yeah. I was like, well let's just do this then. I don't really need secondary care and they're like, oh, okay. And The other the other piece here that's interesting specifically with with that variation of normal of the uterus is Mhmm. All the women who haven't had ultrasounds have no idea. Like, I Exactly. Could have that same shape. You know? And Oh my gosh. I'd I'm none the wiser. Right? So it's only in yeah. It is like the it's like, you know, the, obviously, the age of, like, over information. Like, what is that piece of information do that that helped? And, obviously, you're strong enough and a free thinker enough that it you are able to kind of filter through the the path they were trying to set you on. Right? Which is a highly medicalized experience. Yeah. And it was just so funny because I just kept thinking. I'm like, it's not like women haven't had this before before midwives were Exactly. Certified and before we had ultrasound and before all of this happened. Like, this is anyway, so I just felt super cool and normal about it. So we did talk about, the fact that I was a black woman and some statistics around that. And honestly, I was kind of uneducated in the sense that I was like I was like, oh, is it because of, you know, poverty Sure. And because of, you know, you know, not being able not being educated to advocate for themselves and they're like, no. So, like, they understood, like, the general, like, reality. And are they white midwives? So one of my midwives midwife number one is indigenous. Okay. And midwife number two is white. Okay. But they were very worried about like the statistics that like I could fall into those statistics. Wait. I'm just interesting. Yeah. I'm trying to track with that. So but you were choosing in home birth. So what was what was the concern? Like, what why even bring it up? What what what do you think the angle was? Like, obviously, it's important to understand on a on a social level and and as a birth activist and as a woman, yes, of course. But at the same time, I'm I'm, like, putting myself in their shoes of what's the is it just to understand the system and and further further support home births? Or what do you think? What was weird is that so they said it's literally they said a lot of the statistics are there. They didn't acknowledge the system as much, which was interesting. They acknowledged just the overall stress of being a black woman in America Okay. Is what affected the statistics. So that was interesting. I'm so sorry. I'll try not to stress out. Right. Right. I'll try to navigate the inherent racism of the world a little more calmly. Like, yeah, it's a little and actually, it does bring up a good and interesting point that I I don't actually know. Like, what are the what are the midwifery attended home birth statistics of black women in North America? Because I am only familiar with I mean, it still is an aspect of the system. They are still being medicalized and dah dah dah dah, but it's Mhmm. It's not different. Yeah. It's different. And so that is an interesting thing I don't I don't actually know. So if anyone's listening, please email me and let me know if you happen to know because I'm only familiar with industrial statistics. Right. Yeah. They were so the things that they were bringing up with me was preterm labor, you know, having a really, really small baby. Mhmm. Insufficient placenta. Mhmm. They were bringing up just all kinds of things that Yeah. I just didn't anyway, I don't know. And then not being able to gain weight during pregnancy. So they were I'm rather skinny. So they were operating on this weird assumption that I'm obsessed with being skinny. So they're like, you need to eat. You need to eat. You need to eat more. You need to eat more. So that was like a huge stress for me. I was like trying to gain weight my whole pregnancy. But Well, and that's really interesting to see that connection between Yeah. And I'm glad you just said that because right. This isn't this isn't just about navigating systemic racism in the system. This is about navigating the stress, the inherent stress of experiencing racism if that is your experience. Mhmm. Right? And Mhmm. And, of course, that can cause physical repercussions or whatever. Like like, the things that you just said. But at the same time, it's really interesting how it sounds like there's a connection of if they're perceiving you as that and that you're going to experience that.
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Yes.
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How that also creates a pretty gross loop of being Yes. Overly obsessed with your lack of weight gain because it's through this potential and I'm not in their brain, so I don't really know this. But it sounds like there's a real connection there of being, you know, project like seeing you through this lens. It's really interesting. You explained that so well. I'm always trying to explain how that weird loop is. Right. Because it's like it's I mean and I'm maybe using this term incorrectly, but it's kind of like the white savior thing where it's like, oh, we need to save you from this, but it's like it's not even applicable to me. Like, they're assuming that it's applicable to me just because of the color of my skin. Right. And it actually wasn't. Like, I was gaining weight, like, once, you know, we got a little further in the pregnancy, they're like, oh, you're good. Right. But it's also strange to project that onto somebody in their own home in this really individualized way and almost expect it and then see you through that lens. It doesn't give it the problem with that, you know, of course, there's many problems, but it doesn't give you the opportunity to rewrite that story. It doesn't give you the opportunity to be a healthy, powerful woman who who isn't experiencing that, which is one of my greatest critiques around almost the what's the right word here? Like, the hyper, almost obsessive discussion around race is Mhmm. It's like they need it to continue in order to fight against it. And so Yes. I'm hearing you say you weren't actually experiencing tremendous stress from a lot of either overt or, you know, subtle racism, and you weren't having that experience, but you you still were perceived as that. Yeah. It's really it's quite the quite the interesting little gaslighting loop there. Yes. Yeah. Very well explained. Yes. I don't in the end, I it truly focusing on that from them, them focusing on that did not serve me. Like, I needed help in other ways. Right. Right. Because I'm not just the color of my skin. I'm an entire person who's so complex. There's so many other things that I need for my midwives and them just being aware of and projecting Right. Statistics around my race onto me. That's weird. Yeah. Okay. So there becomes this kind of obsession around around your body or lack of weight gain which sounds really stressful. Yeah. Yeah. So now they've pathologized you twice. Oh, it's gonna happen more. Just you wait. It's it's super fun. Yeah. Hang on to your seats, everybody. I'm I'm also a little bit anemic. So they were watching that, and I was fine. My most of my pregnancy was that my levels were fine. So there was that I had this intuition that my baby was going to be breech. So I started researching about that, and I was like, oh, duh. I can just do this at home. This isn't a big deal at all. Like, my baby's gonna be breech. It's gonna be fine. And so I started trying to have conversations with them around that, and they were, like, trying to avoid that conversation at all costs. They're, like, your baby's not gonna be breached. I was, like, I think I really think he is, and I really want to be prepared. So what's your plan? So what's there? Baby's breach? Yeah. Was there any transparency about, like, oh, we'll fully abandon you and and bully you into a surgery? No. There was not much conversation around that. They said the one thing that she said is, we know of a couple midwives that may attend a home birth for breech baby. So that's all they really said about it, and they're like, let's stop talking about it. It'll be fine. You're not gonna have one. I'm like, no. I know it's fine. Because I know that if I have a breech baby, I can have a home birth. So it's fine. It really is. This isn't a fear that I have. This is something I wanna be prepared for. That was all it was. Wow. But they thought that I was, like, being scared. And they were like, no, no, no, no, no. I will say this just about the middle of the pregnancy really quickly, and then I need to move on because my pregnancy and birth was just so interesting with my first. I did start researching unassisted birth in the middle of my pregnancy, and it resonated with me. Unassisted, you know, free birth. And it resonated with me deeply. And I did the classic, okay, I'm gonna have the home birth with midwives, and then I'm gonna have the rest. I did it. I did the thing. The rest all free. Let's just see how my body births. That's what I was so but, you know, I had every reason in my in my mind. I had every reason to believe that my midwives would not turn on me. But I hadn't seen that in my pregnancy that I was already having to fight for my birth that I wanted. I didn't notice that at all until towards the very end when I started writing out my birth plan, and I was like, alright. I don't want monitoring. I don't want you to check me vaginally. I don't want, anybody around me once the baby's born. I want you out of my field. Like, I started saying things like that, and they're like, okay. That's a nice thought. We can't do that. We can't do that. We can't do that. We have to do this, this, this, this, and this in order to, you know, fill out our paperwork. And I just And, you know, I didn't I I just really I'm feeling like I just really wanna plug our school really quick because you are such an ideal like that. When women come to me and say, I don't I don't want this. I don't want this. I just want you out of my field. I just want you kind of, like, managing the household and and I just do my thing. Like, that is what a powerful what a what a beautiful thing for a woman, particularly a first time birthing woman who's overcoming quite a bit of story already. Like, there's already so much in your story. Mhmm. Just what a what a tender, vulnerable, and powerful thing to say to your attendance and that that wasn't even remotely celebrated. I'm just gonna plug our school and say, everyone you need for it, go become a radical birth keeper and actually learn authentic midwifery because whether it's our school or somewhere else, please. Because what you just said, Jess, is so profoundly beautiful and special and it's like the it's your it's your, you know, it's the mother speaking through you. It's so beautiful and I just, that really sucks that it that it I mean, it's an understatement, obviously, that that that wasn't even remotely celebrated. Yeah. No. It wasn't. It really wasn't. And so I just, at that point, it was the end of my pregnancy. These were the only two other than my husband. My mom was, you know, in another state, so she couldn't really be there for me physically. But they were the only two physically that were there for me. The only community I had Yeah. In terms of women that understood even a little bit what birth is supposed to be like. And I, you know, had lots of people pushing fears on me around home birth and me having to manage that already. And so now my midwives are like, we can't give you the birth that you want. And so I was like so my people pleasing, you know, kicked in and I was like, oh, okay. You know, it's fine. Next time. Next time I'll be, you know, ready. So came time, thirty six weeks, midwife number two palpated a breech baby, and I was like, I knew it. This is great. I'm having a breech baby. This is gonna be fun. And they were like, oh, well, we know of a hospital that will do breech vaginal births, and we also know a couple midwives. But we want you to go to a, you know, ultrasound place or whatever and confirm it. And I was like, well, I feel like the baby's probably breech, but they really wanted me to confirm it. So Well, you can't be trusted. Of course not. Yeah. Of course not. So we went in, and to put it so simply, the ultrasound type was just a jerk. She must have been having a really bad day. She was just mean. She's like, alright. Your baby's footling breech. And then she was like and he also looks small. And then that's all she said. Woah. So Charming. Yeah. That's yeah. Yeah. Totally charming. And what's so funny is after that okay. So after that, my I was on the phone with one of my midwives and she said, oh, the baby's small. That's fine. Mid midwife number one. She's like, that's fine. That's normal. Babies grow at different rates. It's okay. And she said, I have a midwife. She works with Amish women that refuse to go to the hospital. And I was like, sick. Give me her number. I would love to, you know, pay her to come and attend. And the next morning, midwife number two called and said, your baby is way too small based on what I saw. Mhmm. Looks like he's going to be, like, three to four pounds, and that's not ideal for how far you are in your pregnancy. I want you to go to the hospital tomorrow. Can you meet us there? I was like, woah. Woah. What? And that just that just really gave me, you know, like, a panic attack. Mhmm. Because I'm like, I know my baby's fine. Like, I just knew it. And what's funny is that I actually so I was already following Three Birds Society, and I commented on one of your photos, and I just told my story. Like, it was something about making a choice for you or something like that. And I commented, and I was like, my midwives want me to go to the hospital. I have a breech baby that they think is small. And you commented back, so so sweet. You were like, you do not have to go. Like, you were you you said all the right things. Mhmm. But I was at a stage in my life where I prioritized pleasing other people and making other people feel comfortable over myself. And so, And the irony should not be lost on anyone that these midwives are stressing a black woman out, been pushing her into the system. Like that is just Oh my gosh. Right? Exactly. Exactly. So I need to try to make sure that this is You weren't even stressed until this happened. Like, they Right. Yes. Right when that happened, like, it just all just crumbled. Like, I just crumbled. I had a panic attack. I was having I, like, had this vision while I was crying in my husband's arms just not knowing what to do of having a cesarean section. Like, I just knew that was gonna happen, And then just taking my baby away, and me just screaming and not being able to move. And so, I mean, a lot happened. A family member, you know, heard about the fact that we were considering not going to the hospital, and they called the doctor to come and visit us without telling us. Woah. It's crazy. Crazy. I just need to gloss over it because, like, so much happened. For goodness sake. So annoying. Let's get to my power story. So, I went to the hospital, put on a smile, disassociated from my body, and I I just I knew I was I knew they were gonna suggest a cesarean section, you know? It's a breech baby that's small. So I go in there, they do the ultrasound. I mean, this was a pretty, like, in terms of, like, niceness, like, everybody in the hospital was, you know, nice, like, vocally, like, smiling, whatever. But the OBGYN doing the ultrasound, he was like, okay. I'm finding some things I don't like. I was like, oh, that's nice to hear. I don't like that language at all. But anyway, he said, your baby looks like he's three to four pounds. He's breech. Your placenta is calcifying, and you have low amniotic fluid. Oh my god. I hate this story. And and meanwhile, I'm like, you know What week are you attending? What week are you at this point? Thirty seven. Okay. So at that point, you know, I'm just smiling at him while internally having a panic attack Mhmm. Again. And so, of course, my baby's heart rate is dropping. Yeah. So they're just like, so I was like, alright, what do you suggest? He's like a c section and I just said, is there no other way? And he said, I don't think so, but what do you want? And I said, well, I would like to have a vaginal birth at home. And he's like, oh, I don't think that's a good option. Why did you ask me what I want? Anyway, so after I mean and this is, you know, another thing I might gloss over a little bit, but it is very important is the fact that I'm a black woman in So scary. I know. So I was just like, my midwives, you know, my midwives had threatened the day before. I didn't say this. They had threatened, you know, to abandon me if I didn't go to the hospital. They said that my baby could die. I'm in this just, like, incredibly, like, sticky situation. I was thinking about our my family who doesn't agree with a lot of my husband and I's choices saying, like, if, you know, something did happen, it's all your fault. You should have done the cesarean. I'm having my midwives completely staying quiet, not saying anything. Me I kept turning to them for, like, any just shred of hope and they're just staring at their phones and computers and whatever. And I I was just completely disassociated from my body and I knew that I could not deny the cesarean. Like, I just trapped. Like, I was completely trapped. So I was like, put a smile on once again. Great. Where's the freaking paperwork? So signed the paperwork. They shaved me. They waxed me. Some people came in and out without saying a thing. Some people were nice and had conversations with me. There's this there's a couple nurses that were really interested in the fact that I wanted to do seeding after the cesarean to help my son's microbiome. Anyway, they were really impressed with how informed I was. Meanwhile, I'm being abused. I'm like, my information is not helping me right now. Mhmm. Yeah. So I ended up having an OB GYN who was very, short with me, and she didn't do anything I wanted her to, you know. And it was all within reason. It was all cesarean section, you know, stuff that you can ask for. And the only thing she said yes to was, oh, I like working with music. Because we asked if we could put on our playlist. She's like, I like working with music. I'm like, oh, good for you as long as you're comfortable. I, I got, you know, the I know. The gross word. I know. Like, I'm gonna be involved if you didn't know. I got my, you know, spinal block, whatever it's called, right before I almost passed out because I was looking at, you know, the needle going into my arm. I almost passed out. The anesthesiologist scoffed and rolled his eyes. He was really upset that he couldn't do it right away, so I had to regain my consciousness and then he did it. Baby came out. I got to watch. They didn't think I wanted to watch. They kept doubting that. It was like, I want to watch. They took forever, took their time checking him, but I knew he was perfect the moment he came out. I was like, he's fine. Give him to me right now. And I was just crying and saying, give him to me now. And the nurse just had the audacity because she's in this working environment where she can't humanize people. And she had the audacity to just take her time and say, oh, I have to measure him. It's like Woah. The kid is fine. He's crying. And like measurements matter. Yeah. And so he ended up being almost six pounds. The ultrasound was completely wrong, of course. And he was he was perfect. He was just perfect. He was healthier than I was when all was said and done. He gained weight in the hospital. He nursed right away. Like, he was just perfect. Anyway, so recovering from that experience was so so weird because I let myself disassociate from the experience for a long time. I knew it wasn't ideal. I knew the abuse that happened, but and I knew that my experience mattered, but I disassociated it as if I were telling somebody else's story every time I would tell the story. And it wasn't actually until I got pregnant with my daughter that it actually hit me. Mhmm. So, so did you sorry. Did did but in postpartum, like, as you're processing, I'm hearing you say you knew, like, things are wrong. You knew abuse. You knew your son was fine. Now you have proof of it. Mhmm. And are you angry? Or are you just, like, survival? Just survival. Yeah. Like, I don't I I think my husband and I started, like, talking about more and getting angry about it more, like, maybe, like, after my son was a year old. Yeah. Like, we just knew we knew what was wrong, but, like, we just didn't even know how to talk about it. Right. And it's one of those fucked up things that so many families are put in this position of, like, and, like, yeah, it's fucked up. And, like, what are we gonna do about it? Now we have this newborn, very we're having very complex feelings because we're in love with our child, and we're Totally. Figuring out the just total blissful chaos of having a child and Totally. Your relationship is readjusting and everything and then your family's around, but they didn't really support you. But now they're part of the baby's life, so it's all very it's, like, very, very complicated. And so Very complicated. Makes total sense that you just like No. Really? You. Yeah. You back broke. Yeah. Yeah. So a couple years passed. We ended up being in a just a rough situation, weird transition living with my mom. And I last year, at the beginning of the year, I started feeling a feminine presence with me. And I was like, okay. Not now. Or we're in a crappy situation. Not now. I'm so sorry. So I wrote her a letter. I wrote her a really nice letter. I said, I love you so much. We are going to welcome you into our family. Now is not a good time. So I just And what did you do with the letter? Where did you put it? Oh, I just have it. I don't know. I just have it somewhere. I don't know where it is actually. But I wrote it to her and I know that she received it. Mhmm. I just know that. So we just went through just a crappy, crappy time last year. And things started looking up a little bit more in the fall, and that's when I got pregnant with her. And we were not planning at all. Like, it was, like, kind of conscious conception because I knew she wanted to come, and I knew that we were, like, preparing for that, but she came much sooner despite my my very loose efforts in using the fertility awareness method. Oops. Oh, no. Don't know how that happened. So, I was still nursing my son, so I totally thought, you know anyway, so we got pregnant. First trimester was very rough as we were still transitioning out of our rough transition. Yeah. And And you have a two year old. And I have a two year old now. And, you know, anyway, just with family, just all the all the drama and all the fun stuff, All the confusion about where the heck we're gonna live. Wow. So I I was having miscarriage dreams, not thinking that I deserved her, that she was supposed to come yet, which was very hard. In my second trimester, I had so I stopped having miscarriage dreams in my second trimester, but I had this one dream that just finally helped me to process my birth from before. And it was a dream where I was in a hospital for some reason for my pregnancy, which I was having a wild pregnancy, so I hadn't been anywhere yet. And so I was in a hospital, and someone was asking me about my last birth, and I was trying to describe to her the abuse and she was laughing. And then she brought other nurses in Cool. And they were all laughing. And I was yelling at them, telling them about my experience. And I was just yelling and crying and sobbing and just like telling them to stop laughing. And so I woke up just sobbing and freaking out and I finally realized that it was my story. And my second trimester was so transformative, we were able to figure out where we were going to live. My husband got a great new job. We, anyway, I did I did lots of energy healing, which was amazing. I found my doula who is now a radical birth keeper. I'm hoping that she'll do your your school. I've been hinting at it to her. But but she's she's amazing. She had never attended a birth before, so that I was her first birth that she attended. And how did you guys get connected? It was at so my husband and I, we were before before the pandemic, we were, giving out plants for free to clean people's air, and then people were donating back. It was just it was so lovely and wonderful. We're so sad that we're not doing events anymore for obvious reasons. Anyway, so we met her at one of our events. And she's amazing. And you clicked? Yes. We totally just clicked, because I she said she was training via doula. I said, would you attend a free birth? And she was like, oh, yeah. I think I would. And so we just kept talking. Okay. So let's let's pause there for a second. So you already knew that you were free birthing at that point. So so take me back to wherever like, when does that really get there for you? Oh, goodness. Well, I knew I knew right after I had my son that I was gonna try for a free birth. So I was like, well, you know, screw this midwife thing. This doesn't make any sense for me. I was open, so, you know, we were living with my mom, and she really wanted me to find a midwife. And, you know, everybody else was counting on me to find a midwife. I hadn't really shared with anybody other than my mom that I was thinking about free birthing, that I was wanting to. So I did look into some midwives and was not impressed basically, to put it very shortly. I will say one midwife, she wanted me to see an OBGYN who Fuck off. She who she said is just like a midwife. Ew. And he's a man.
Speaker 0
Ew.
Speaker 2
It's like It's so much. Doesn't. They're like, she he's just like a midwife and she was laughing and I was like Yeah. Just like the kind of midwife she obviously is. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. And then she informed me that if I did get a midwife, because she didn't wanna be my midwife, she said, well, if you do get a midwife, just know that if you refuse hospital transfer, they will leave and call the ambulance. And I was like, well, I'm not Ending on a threat. That's that's nice. Oh, yeah. She, of course, said it with a smile. So I was like, well, I'm not doing that. Mm-mm. Since I am in Arizona, I talked with Marin Green a little bit. We we didn't click as, like, we, you know, agree on so much, but we just didn't click. And I ended up moving really far away from Sedona. So that wasn't an option. Anyway, so I just I just kept having a wild pregnancy and didn't really tell anybody. I just did my own thing. I had told people I was having I had a midwife. Not worry about it.
Speaker 4
Oh, okay.
Speaker 2
Because I'm not dealing I'm not dealing with their their complaints. So, I just told them that, and I knew I would tell them that eventually that I had a free birth because that's just what I knew. I knew I was just gonna do it. So in my third trimester, I just got to this great place where I was like, well, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And I had had a feeling when I got pregnant with my daughter that everything was gonna work out the way I wanted it to. And I I knew it. I didn't always know how, but I knew that we would find a home. I knew that we would have a successful birth and that everything would be taken care of. So in the middle of my third or towards the end, actually, of my third trimester around thirty six weeks, I found a a midwife that supports women who want a free birth. What does that mean? So I called her and I just so I heard that she would help with, like, paperwork Gotcha. And stuff like that. So I called her and I was like, I'm gonna free birth. I would love help with paperwork and maybe, you know, some resources if I need it. And so she's like, oh, heck yeah. She's like, I'm so so gonna help you. So we went and visited her. She's amazing. Yeah. She's she's just amazing. She actually said, I'm going to give you some Zydotek. Is that what it's called? Zydotek. Zydotek. Yeah. She's like, I'm just gonna give this to you. And at first, I was hesitant to take it. And then I something inside me said, just take it. Wow. So I took and I'm really glad that I decided to. So I was like, I'm gonna take it. And there I mean, there's just the reason I'm really glad, and I'll you know, we'll get into my story in a second, but I'm just I'm really glad that I did because it was very clearly my intuition speaking and not my fear. So I took the Zydatech, had lovely conversations with her about birth, about everything that I wanted. I just fell in love with her, so I had her palpate my baby not because I needed her to, but because I was just like, I like you, wanna meet my baby. So she palpated with my belly, and she said, oh, your baby is so cute. Your uterus is so strong. You're gonna do amazing. I love her. So the time so that was the only really intervention that I had during my pregnancy. Well, a a woman that you like palpating your belly is not an intervention. Imagine that. Yeah. It's like what is what even is that? So oh, it was just it was lovely. I was like, this is how, you know, midwifery is supposed to feel. It's supposed to be connection. It's supposed to be just an outpouring of love and trust. She said, I trust whatever you want to do. And I was like, you know, I and she said, at
Speaker 4
the end she said, do
Speaker 2
you want me to attend your birth as a friend? And at first I was like thinking like, oh, I just love you. Yeah. Come. Jeez. Come and just attend as a friend. But inside me I was like, you know what? I don't need her. And she knows I don't need her, and she's happy I don't need her. So I just told her, I was like, I love you, but I don't need you. And she said, great. Yeah. So I had a blast having, nesting feelings. I just I could have built a home, honestly, with the energy that I had. It was freaking awesome. I loved it. That's great. I started I started to get a little impatient at the end, because I had my son at thirty seven weeks, and I was like, oh, I for some reason, I thought I'd gestate my baby earlier, you know, whatever. So I had some prodrome prodromal labor. Can never pronounce it. Had some of that here and there. Did some work around it, because, you know, I would get really disappointed when my labor would stop. Mhmm. And, eventually, the day after my birthday, the labor kept going. So it was in the middle of the night or it was actually, like, ten PM. I started saying, like, oh, these are I think these are actual contractions that are gonna keep going. So my husband and I were like, well, it's now or never, so we made love. And he went to sleep and I stayed. We have a really big bathroom and closet area that I had candles around, so I just went in there and got some things ready. And then I was like, oh, crap. This is happening. Because then it got really intense. So I called my doula. I called my mom. They were the only two that attended. And I I had a freaking blast giving birth. Let me oh my gosh. Like, I loved it so much. I could just cry. Like, it was it was amazing. It ended up being four and a half hours long. And the intensity was beautiful and so difficult. And I was And it's Go ahead. Go ahead. Just it's it's like full on redemption and healing while you're doing it. You know, when when a I mean, I know you know this. I'm not saying this to you, but to everyone listening, when a woman has her birth stolen, you know, you didn't even get anything with the first. You didn't get to feel the contraction. So the the the level of and this I mean, I have found this to be pretty darn consistently true with a few exceptions, but with women who are who are experiencing birth after it's been stolen from them, there's just this level of appreciation and, like, a yesness that is so, victorious and so like, you already saw what the other side has to offer, and so it doesn't have any appeal anymore. It's like it's cost you what it's cost you. And so now you're just in the experience and it's, like, you know, really whole. Like, there's a wholeness to it that's really quite beautiful. So I'm hearing that. Well, good. Yeah. I I can't like, I have tried to just I describe it to people, and I forgot that, like, it's literally five weeks ago. But and so I'm like, oh, I'm getting so annoying because I keep describing it to people and wanting to tell people. It's like, no. It's like the most amazing thing ever. So I was having contractions, taking little naps in between. Honestly, I was ex one thing I was expecting was having, like, some transformative, like, dreams or, like, visions or I remember one dream I had in between contractions was about a frog. So I just it was just this, like, casual, like, just weird, normal, taking little naps, having my contractions. Like, it just felt so normal. I kept saying when I was getting impatient before I went into labor, like, the past like, the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I'm like, I was just like, I'm so bored. I would love to have a transformative experience right now and just give birth to a baby because I'm so bored. And, like, I still feel that way. Like, I'd love to do it again because it was just transformative, but also so normal and so, like, whatever.
Speaker 4
So, yeah.
Speaker 2
So I was laboring in the closet for quite a bit. My mom came in and she gave me like the coldest kiss on the cheek, like, of my life. And I was like, alright, get off. And she started asking me all these questions and I was like, I just want you to look at me.
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Don't talk to me. Just look at me. I just wanted her to see me have one contraction, and then I had her leave. And then I did the same with my doula. I wanted her to just see me have one contraction, and then I wanted her to get out of my space. I ended up in the shower. I might have had back labor. That's like a possibility. I think I might have. I think that's what happened because I couldn't move. I tried to have my husband do, like, the cute little counter pressure, husband supporting, and then the moment he did that, I was like, oh my gosh. I hate that so much. Get off of me. Hated it. I was all ready for that. So all he did the entire birth was give me a little bit of water and hold my hand. And I'm I'm talking like I was yelling at everybody, but according to him, I was like the most polite I've ever been in my entire life. I was just really gentle and just, like, whispering to people and saying, oh, please get off with me. Yeah. Please go over there. Thank you. But I still commanded the room, and I still had command. Well, when you have people there that actually respect you Yeah. Exactly. You can be polite and you can boss people around. Totally. So, yeah. So so for contractions, I I wasn't sure if I was gonna be loud when I labored or quiet. Turns out I'm loud because I literally couldn't breathe through them unless I was yelling. Totally. So I lost my voice very quickly. I said a lot of things to myself when I was yelling because, like, you know, might as well give yourself a motivational speech if you're gonna be yelling. Oh, yeah. So I was saying things like open, and yes I can, and I can do this, and I'm doing this, and this is freaking awesome, and this is rad, and give me more. Mhmm. So, yeah, I ended up in the shower, and I started having pushing contractions, and I didn't realize it. My husband, he left my side at one point, and I was like, don't know what to do with that. Since he just left, I think I'll just go on the floor. So I was I was on a birthing ball, and it was just funny, my logic in my brain. I'm like, time to go lay down on my side on the floor. And I honestly, I think that got baby into a position, like, just like the optimal position. Like, I don't it was just so instinctual and so funny and random because I've never thought, oh, I wanna lay down when I'm giving, you know, when I Totally. It just happens. Yeah. Yeah. Do what you gotta do. Yeah. So I just laid on my side. I realized I was having more pushing contractions. Like, I didn't realize it before, but then I realized finally that my body was pushing my baby out, which just blew my mind, and I didn't understand that. And I told my doula, I was like, maybe she just needs a little nudge. And then I realized that no, this is really happening. Wow. So after four hours. No. And of course, to me, it had felt like an hour and a half maybe. Like, it just did not feel that long at all. So I thought You were so down for it though. Yeah. I was thinking it was going. Yeah. I mean, you don't you don't you don't often see women have really long bursts and chant give me more. Because it because honestly That's a great mentality. And it and like I can't stress it enough. Like, it was so hard. Like, it was so hard. It was obviously hard. Yeah. That's like flying through your system. But it was so powerful and so cool and so easy psychologically because I just knew I could do it. Yeah. Like, once I feel like once women know that they can do it, like, they really that's really instilled in them, the rest of it the rest of it honestly doesn't mat like, it matters, of course. But you know what I mean. Like, the pain or whatever, the intensity, it doesn't matter. Especially, this is a point I really wanna make, but I know we're gonna run out of time soon. But, gosh, like, if I had been in labor, in a hospital with all the bright lights, people talking to me, people putting their fingers up my yoni, I think I might have considered an epidural. Because Of course. All of that stimulation? Are you kidding me? I could barely have three candles on. Like, I asked my husband to blow the candles out because it was too much. I remember I had, like, I had, like, a loose necklace on when I was pushing, and I was like, I'm gonna die. Like, get this thing off me. Like, of course women want the Yeah. It's so sad though that there was Not just what. Require. Yeah. You need to get rid of that. It's so sad because it's the most important sensation that you can be feeling. Yeah. That's what you have to get rid of in order to exist in that environment. Mhmm. So I I I finally was like, I understand why women need epidurals in hospitals. I don't understand why they need them at home because they don't. Because it's just because they don't. You just don't. I've never heard a woman at home say she wanted an epidural. I've heard women at home say, oh, I see why women talk about them. Like, duh. But I've never had a woman be like, I need an epidural at home. It's it's not until yeah. Of course. It's not until you have to check out. You have to disassociate. You're not allowed to be the wild instinctual lioness. Yeah. It finally all just, like, made sense to me. Mhmm. So yeah. So I got up on they helped me up on a birth ball. Again, I was still in the shower with the water running. Our shower's huge, which is nice. So, like, everybody fit in there. I had my whole whole birth team in there, along with Wait. Like, for real? Like, literally? Like, everybody like, everybody fit in there. Yeah. It was, like, my husband, my son, my mom, my doula. So five Oh my god. Six people were there. Funny. I know. That's awesome. So yeah. So I felt inside myself because I was like, why the heck am I pushing? I asked my dude. I was like, am I supposed to be pushing? She's like, well, I mean, your body is pushing, isn't it? I was like, well, I guess it is. So felt inside myself. I felt this little balloon. And I was like, my cervix is fluffy. That's just what came out of my mouth, which is so funny. So I said my cervix is fluffy. And then I told my husband to feel, and he said, yeah, it's fluffy. And then I just kept feeling, and I was like, I felt just a little bit further. And I was like, holy crap. That's the amniotic sac. And then I felt a little further, and I was like, oh, that's the baby's head. Oh. So so, yeah, I started just I accepted that. I was like, she's coming. Everybody get ready. She's coming. And we at one point so my I totally had lost my voice. And so as I was, like, screaming, like, oh, I said, I am Tarzan. I'm doing this. And, anyway, that's just a side note. I just love that. It's so weird. So weird. Yeah. But everything that was coming to my mind. So Oh my god. This stuff that women say at the end are the sweetest, most, like, vulnerable, amazing, awkward, hilarious thing. I love it. I'm too hard then. I'm doing this. Hell, yeah, dude. That's awesome. Because I was, like, tempted. I think I was, like, tempted to say I can't do this because it was so difficult. So I said, I am doing this. So it just sounded anyway, so funny. Yeah. So fetal ejection reflex, man. So I just I pushed that baby out without thinking about it. And, and she just came out into my arms, yelped, and she was perfectly fine. And I always thought that I'd be, you know, all emotional like I was with my son. But I was just this primal mom just assessing her newborn, just doing whatever the heck I needed to do. And it just it just worked. I just did I just did it. So, yeah. So I just sat down in the shower and assessed her and sucked stuff out of her mouth and looked at her and time flew. I, every once in a while, I was trying to squat to birth the placenta. Yeah. How'd that go? And nothing nothing was happening. And about thirty minutes after the baby was born, Exzora, Eve is her Exzora Eve is her name. Mhmm. And so about thirty minutes after, I started to feel light headed. And so I was like, okay. Do I take the Zydotek? And my intuition said take it. So I took it And after I so I put it under my tongue to suck on. And right when that happened, I dipped into really like like I was super out of it to the point that I was, like, laughing hysterically. And I don't remember this, but I was laughing hysterically, and I was saying, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Because, of course, I felt fine. So my husband was very worried. And my doula, she's awesome. She just made eye contact with me and she said, look into my eyes. So I looked into her eyes and right away, I started sucking vigorously on it. I turned to my husband and I said, sorry I scared you. I love you. I'm gonna be just fine. They got on the phone with, the midwife and she just said, oh, the placenta needs to come out, see what she's thinking about the placenta. So I squatted. I literally pulled the placenta out of my body, and that was that. And I did I did actually lose a lot of blood. And I'm I was I was honestly comfortable with the idea of losing a lot of blood as long as I felt good. Since I am anemic, that was something that was, you know, on our minds. But I was like, if I lose a lot of blood and I feel fine, then who cares? You know? Then I'm fine. So, you know, I don't know how necessary taking that was. But what I do know is that I was able to give birth to my placenta, and I'm I'm okay now. And my husband and I talked about it, and we're like, we might have that on hand next time if we feel inclined to. And if we don't, that's okay too. So that's maybe the one, I guess, someone could say scary part of my birth, but to me it wasn't scary because we just we did what we had to do. And yeah. Also, getting light headed isn't
Speaker 0
Mhmm. Mhmm.
Speaker 2
A problem either. Like, a lot of women faint. A lot of women get light headed. A lot of women shake. A lot of women Mhmm. Lose blood. And none of that equals a hemorrhage. None of that equals a problem. None of that equals a complication. Yeah. Yeah. So I think that part of this too, way beyond your story, everybody's story, you know, that that because we're all so new to relearning
Speaker 0
Yes.
Speaker 2
Birth and how to do it and and how to hold space for it and how to both be the birthing woman and, you know, the women with the birthing women and our partners and just, like, we are recreating, you know, in this reclamation and after generations of of, you know, total robbery of this, I think there there isn't, like, a wrong here, you know? And but but it's and at the same time, we have to, like, relearn and and figure out and stumble through, what are all of these parts? Like, is it okay to be light headed? Is it okay to faint? Is it okay to lose blood? What is that? You know? And and is it okay? And is it okay? We know when's the time to use, you know, to use drugs? And and when isn't it? And and just all of this stuff. And and, you know, there isn't, like, a way. Right? It's it's about Totally. You know, like, I have I'll have clients who are, like, I wanna have a lot of pregnancy and I want a free birth and here's my log of all my weights every day and my blood pressure and my and it's like, okay. Great. Like, if that's if that's how you're stepping out of the system at that pace. Yeah. Or women who are like, I you know, similar. I have CytoTech on board or I have I showed up at this one birth a couple years ago and she she had an oxygen tank. Oh, wow. And I was yeah. And I was like, well, I don't know what to fucking do with that. Like, I don't fuck around with that shit. And she was like, oh, well, I just thought it would be, like, great to have. I was like, do you know how to use it? She's like, no. I was like, well, I don't fucking know how to use it. Like, I don't mess around with that. And she was like, oh, well, my midwife just gave it to me, and I just thought it would, like, it would be, like, good to have. I was like, okay. Except that, like, none of us not use it. And then I would never would never do that. Anyway, so point being, you know, with the CytoTech, I think that it's really interesting and I think it opens up a really interesting conversation
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
And exploration of, like because where my brain goes as the challenger and Yeah. Yeah. The challenger is like, okay. Cool. But if the midwife had never even brought it up, it wouldn't have been on your radar. And so then what would have happened? Yeah. And, again, there's no right or wrong here. It's just it's kind of just the I I it puts me into a state of wonder of, like, okay. So you got light headed. Yeah. And I heard a midwife I really like a long time ago call it the reset, where women sometimes kind of, like, dip Uh-huh. Like, out, and then they kinda come back and it's weird. Yeah. It's weird for everybody, but from a spiritual perspective, it makes so much sense. Mhmm. And it's it's a reset. It's like leaving the old life and coming back. And my husband and I, we saw it we saw it as I mean, he for him, it was very hard to watch, you know? But, you know, as we yeah. As we were talking about it, we're like, okay, this is information. And this is a call to figure out what we are going to do next time because it could involve medication. It could not involve medication. Right? Mhmm. And so I and I just said, like, yeah. Like, it's like anyway, it just makes sense. Everything you said makes sense. I love it. And it's it sounds like you took it prophylactically, you know, preventatively as a better better, safe than sorry kind of, like, I have this thing. Things are a little, like, so I'm just gonna take it because I've been told that this stops hemorrhage. Indeed. And for anyone who doesn't know what CytoTech is, you know, it's the abortion pill. It's it's it Mhmm. Kills I mean, it it releases, I should say. It it is intended to cause very strong contractions and release pregnancy in the beginning, you know, of a pregnancy. It doesn't kill the fetus that was that was not correct. It's the part of the the medication that releases causes the contractions. And so Mhmm. It's just so fascinating that now we're like, oh, let's just give it to women when they're to induce their labors. Let's give it to them. To induce? Yeah. That's Cytotek is the is the induction drug. Yeah. So it goes Cytotek, or Servedil, which is the gel. So Right. Yeah. Like, women pregnant women with term live babies go into the hospital and they have they're given Cytotek orally to cause, you know, induction. It kills moms and babies. It is it is shocking how many moms and babies CytoTech kills, and nobody talks about it. Oh. Yeah. It's shocking. I've seen women have seizures from it. I've seen I've seen moms and babies almost die from it. I've never seen a woman die from it. Thank god. Mhmm. But it's never talked about. Same with Servedil. And then and then it's used it's brought medical midwives bring it in homes. Typically, it's given rectally, after Pitocin's been after Pitocin has been, like, attempted. So they do I am they do, like, you know, inter intermuscular shots of Pitocin for our third stage management. And then if that, like, doesn't work to the amount that they would want it to, then they would get rectal cytotech. Wow. Anyway so it's, like, really hardcore. It's a hardcore drug. Right. And it's in very, very interesting history too. And it's, and I do think it should be available to a different, you know, for all sorts. I mean, I think women should do whatever the fuck they want. So if a woman wants to say, yeah, it feels right. That's that's where I stand. Anyway, so, yeah, that is just like a super interesting part of of the story, and it sounds like it was scary. I mean, if you were, like, kind of, you know, dipping out and, like, kind of talking weird and doesn't sound scary. Yeah. It was I mean, for me, it wasn't I mean and this probably says a lot, is that for me, it wasn't that scary. It felt it felt almost normal. What did scare me was when I finally came to that my baby wasn't in my arms. My husband, you know, had taken my baby because I was starting to drop her. Okay. So Oh, so you were standing up? No. I was I was sitting down and she was I was sitting down on the shower in the shower still. And, yeah, she was just on my I I think I was like crisscross applesauce and she was just like resting Mhmm. Below and she started to like fall forward. Oh my god. And so anyway, so so that that alarmed me. I was just like, where's my baby? And I was just so alert. And it might have just been, honestly, me making eye contact with her that helped me to come to. It might not have even been to Cytoteq. Totally. You know? So yeah. So I just but I just love I I think the positive thing for me is that maybe we wouldn't have known what to do, and maybe my husband would have gotten scared and called the ambulance. Maybe my mom would have gotten scared and called the ambulance. So I I think for this birth yeah. For this for this birth, it was a little bit on the intuitive side. And I think for my next birth, things are gonna be different because we're gonna know more. When we know more know better, we do better. Totally. Yeah. I it was just so fascinating. I love how when I did come to, I just sat up. I freaking pulled my placenta out of me and was done with it. Like, it was just done. Tarzan style. Yeah. Tarzana. Like, it was so primal. Like, I was like I just had never I never thought someone would, like, give birth to their placenta like that. Like, I literally just yanked it out. Anyway Mhmm. But I'm I'm so I'm so freaking proud of myself. I did an amazing job. Like, v vacs are not powerful just because it's hard to have a v vac. It's because you're choosing to not be oppressed anymore. You're choosing to not let people oppress you and make you get a surgery that's unnecessary. So because the VVAC itself, like, it wasn't hard to not have my uterus, you know, blow up, whatever it's called. Like, that was the problem. Yeah. Rupture. Like, I didn't have to think about that. That's not even an issue. It was just the fact that I didn't let people oppress me in my birth. Mhmm. I did whatever the heck I wanted to, and it was awesome. Yeah. That's what's up. So there you go. What a story to give your family, Thank you. I'm gonna keep giving these stories because I feel like I have a lot more kids coming, and I'm just ready to give birth to all of them. I'm so stoked. I'm so ready to have another kid right now. Oh my god. Only have this one for five weeks. Yeah. You better write a letter. I know. I know. That's amazing. Oh, I'm so proud of you. It's just such a big deal. It's such a big deal. I mean, this is how brilliant. We participate in creating the world we wanna see. You know? It's such a triumphant and, like you said, so normal. I love how the theme like, one of the themes throughout your whole story is I knew it was normal. I knew it was normal. I knew I know. From your uterus to your septic, uterus to breach to to all of it. Just All the things. Yeah. It was just all good, and you got to actually, like, actualize that and see and kind of bring it into full completion. Right? Which is such a deeply healing lesson, I think, for us as women, just working out all the bullshit that's at our back of of our ancestors and and and patriarchy and to really actualize what you know to be true and then be walking evidence of that truth is so profoundly important, obviously. And, yeah, I'm really proud of you too. Thank you. That's so lovely to hear. So many people are uncomfortable with power stories, which is so sad. Well, thank you for your time. Thank you for having me. And that's it for today, my sisters. Check out everything we do, including one on one and group coaching. Learn about our private membership, in person retreats, and more on free birth society dot com. Our online courses are on free birth society courses dot com, including our flagship course, the complete guide to free birth. Don't miss the radical birthkeeper school, birth society theme song, Wild Woman, I'll leave you with our Freebird Society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba Red.
Speaker 4
I honor you for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored. Eons upon light beams of survival, withstanding the eradication of our power by design. I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth in captivity. The picket line redefined from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging our babes. Strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts, keep your needles. My My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons or your poison. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention. Death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back from the star.
