Speaker 0
Into the wild, I'm going into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom challenge since I left my roots back home. Into the wild I'm good. Into the wild I hid. It's been a while, freedom child, since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 1
Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative, we'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 0
It's been a wild freedom change. Since I left my rules back home.
Speaker 2
Today on the show, we have Anastasia from Seattle, Washington. A self declared recovering people pleaser, Anastasia chose to stay home to birth her child alone and in the dark. The mantra she carried with her throughout her birth was to whisper to herself, I die to be reborn. I die to be reborn. And she tells us the the gorgeous story of how she brought her child earth side with the support of her ancestors.
Speaker 3
You know, I think in terms of natural birth and the home birth of my son, Probably a decade ago, I started having just this, like, waking up period, and it started with a health crisis. So during my healing process, I became aware of, you know, a lot of the lies that were told about the health system and our food system, agriculture, and all that stuff. And, when you go down one rabbit hole, you kinda go down Mhmm. Many others. So and birth was one of them. So I knew before even getting pregnant with my son that I wanted to have a home birth. And I knew the midwives in the area, and it was all planned out in my head. And so when I did get pregnant, I had to go through a whole process of getting my husband on board. He's he's, like, the best man in the world. I love him so much, but he's very traditional. And, I think that's a big stretch for a lot of people just because we've been so conditioned to think what we have today is normal.
Speaker 4
So Plus, the irony is that it is traditional to home birth. You know? Like, it's actually quite modern.
Speaker 0
I know. Right?
Speaker 4
To go to
Speaker 3
the I know. Isn't that so silly? So true. But he did get on board. He totally understands this concept of what what feels safest for the mother is the actually actual safest scenario for her to give birth. So we had that home birth planned and, for a long time. And we had one group of midwives in the area that that offered home birth. And so there wasn't a lot of options, but I really, really liked the head midwife. She was a beautiful person and an elder, and so I felt really comfortable. But I did go into that birth or that pregnancy knowing that even within the the home birth scenario that I have to be, you know, fighting for my my right to be sovereign in my decision making. But I tell people all the time, I'm like a recovering people pleaser. So I had these great ideas of, you know, avoiding all the testing and I knew all the dangers of ultrasound. And and at the same time, I had a traditional husband who wanted the safest best thing for me and then midwives who didn't understand a lot of the science and just my needs to be sovereign. But, so I ended up butting heads with them a lot. And especially at the end of my pregnancy, the head midwife is out of town. And it might have been exactly the same with her when I think back on it. Like, well, maybe she had a different midwife, but I actually think perhaps I would have acquiesced even more because I she had that authority, you know.
Speaker 0
Yeah.
Speaker 3
And so as a woman coming from a family lineage of women who have longer pregnancies, I knew going into it that I might have to butt heads with regards to all the extra stress testing and ultrasound. That's so stressful. Yeah. You know what? It is it is, Emilee. And, like, even the ultrasound I mean, I I gave into the ultrasound twenty weeks, then we found an anomaly with my son, so that led to more ultrasound. So for a woman going in that didn't want anything, it became a very kind of, ice I call it traumatic. I know it's all relative and some people are like, oh, it's a you had a beautiful home birth. But for me, it felt so so bad. And, at the end, yes, I came up against all that extra testing that had to happen, and I said no to the ultrasound. I was and I ended up, I think, inducing myself via, like, nipple stimulation because I just was, like, desperate to give birth myself before having to be forced to go to a hospital for induction, which they were trying to plan, and have that third ultrasound, which just it the ultrasounds in themselves for me are traumatic. I hate watching I hated watching my son squirming around in the in the video screen and and, knowing that it was not safe or good and just wondering what he was going through. But all that to say, when we did get to the end, I was just fighting with the midwife who was there to serve me at the end. And, and she had a lot of fear because I had tested positive for group b stress. And I think that's probably the main the main issue that I can think of that that caused the most stress, I think, for all of us because I had done tons of research on it. I'm a product of having grown up in the society, so I'm someone that, like, gets geeked out about the science and feels I need to back everything up with with proof even though, you know, intuition is just as powerful. It's not even I mean, much more powerful in my mind. But, you you feel like you need that stuff. So I knew that I was definitely not gonna take any antibiotics whatsoever during my pregnancy or birth unless I was dying or had something that was going to actually risk my life. My baby's like, you know, you know, because it like, I feel like sorry. This is maybe too much about the antibiotics, but it's like literally you're dropping an atomic bomb Mhmm. On your system and your baby system at the very start of their life and at the start of your journey into motherhood. And it just I mean, you get it. It destroys you on a microbial level, but it also destroys you in a spiritual level, I believe. And,
Speaker 4
especially, I would say the spiritual aspect is, like, especially when you don't want it. Like, there's that whole you know, same with the ultrasound, same with all the stuff. Like, if you're going in really not wanting it, you know, I do believe, like, in some degree, you know, whatever you do, it's the energy around you doing it that really dictates how it how your body and your system perceive it. Right? So if you're, like, smoking a cigarette with tons of shame, I think that's way worse for you than
Speaker 1
Right. Right.
Speaker 3
Than, you know, smoking it, like, loving every second of it.
Speaker 1
You know?
Speaker 3
Oh my god. I think the same Yes.
Speaker 4
Could be true with with with antibiotics and with, like, yes, there is like objective damage to ultrasound and antibiotics to your system and to the fetus or the baby, but but really, like, gosh, this whole other layer of what stress it was causing you and that you didn't want these things and feeling, you know, walked over and oh, god. So stressful.
Speaker 3
Yeah. You're so right. And and I'm so glad you said that too because I always catch myself because I'm like, you know, these are my decisions and these are my beliefs based on my understandings. And so, you know, I had a beautiful friend of mine going through the same thing as me in the hospital taking the antibiotics, and it's not to, you know, shame anybody in their decisions because we all are just making decisions based on our own on our own beliefs and stuff. But, yeah, you're right. That just makes it all the worse. So, anyway, when I did go into labor, that made my wife had a lot of fear. And so there was a timeline I had to have birth within eighteen hours from the time my waters broke, which they broke at the very beginning. And I thought I was progressing perfectly, but she had so much fear she had me take castor oil. Oh. So then I'm not yeah. I don't even know. I it didn't do anything. I actually didn't even poop at all during that birth, which is just so fascinating. But so I didn't think I don't think I need any I obviously, I didn't need castor oil. But, anyway, the labor was progressing normally, I think, when I look back on it, other than the fact that I was in a state of fight or flight the whole time.
Speaker 4
Yeah. I wouldn't call any of this normal. I mean, you're you were, you know, you're you were AROMed. They broke your your bag. They're stressing you out. They're pathologizing your body. You have an attendant who's full of fear. She's leaving you toxic shit to drink. Like, this is this is and the fact that your body could progress in spite of the battle you were in is so mind blowingly incredible.
Speaker 3
You're right. And and that's and that's absolutely true. There was nothing normal about it. But, right, in terms of the physiological process, something was happening to move me forward. It didn't feel good, and I'm sure it could've felt and now I know it's just gonna felt a lot better during those first stages. But and then at some point, they just thought it was time for me to push. And if you would ask me, like, two days earlier, I would have been like, I will never let anybody tell me when to push and what my body tell me. But when you're in that state of birth in general or fight or flight and people are telling you what to do, I, you know, I just walked into the other room. I got in the tub and I started pushing. And I let them tell me where to push and how to push. And I felt like a little lab rat in a pool. Like, when I think back on it, it's, like, really terrible feeling. And and, I mean, I processed all that, but it's just a bad a bad memory. And then, of course, my body was in no way ready to push. So they're all looking around like, what's going on here? And telling me that my my moans don't sound right. Wow. And, obviously, they didn't sound right because my body was not bearing down. And then I had a swollen lip, and then she gave me a cervical check, which I didn't want any hands in me. And I ended up the whole rest of my labor was really difficult because then when I did wanna bear down, I was told not to bear down because of my swollen lip and
Speaker 4
Oh my god. Yeah.
Speaker 3
That was infuriating. Yeah. That was the most excruciating part to not bear down when your body's telling you, you know, it wants to get that baby up. So I spent hours then marching up and down stairs and then lying on my back and then side lies and, you know, lying in a position that your body doesn't wanna be in is excruciating and having their hands up you for an hour trying to push it aside. So when when my son did come, I I feel so sad, but I didn't have any of those ooey gooey. I mean, I was so relieved and I was so excited to see him, but I I was in a state of shock. And I know that you are in many ways anyway when you have these beautiful births, but it was a it was a bad state of shock. And then I feel like I was this wounded deer kind of pandering to the midwives and not excusing what they did. Like, while the I tore really bad too. So while the woman was, stitching me up, you know, I had this conversation with her which is like, hey. Like, maybe we needed each other in our in in our lives to kind of push us to the next place. And I didn't know at the time what that was, but I was having this really trying to have this wonderful moment with the midwife just doing everything I could to create some beauty within that birthing situation. And, and she's a beautiful person. There's as a as a woman, she's lovely. It just I mean, you know, you guys talk about it all the time, but she's working within the system. So
Speaker 4
I mean, yeah. She's a beautiful person that that completely ruined your birth and completely humiliated and sabotaged and violated you. Totally beautiful person.
Speaker 3
I know.
Speaker 1
If if you put it
Speaker 3
that way, it's it sounds really shitty. But you're right. And I I do have some of those feelings when I think about all that, or I did and I do still. But, yeah, I mean, she just people are well intentioned, but they just don't realize how much harm they're causing by by doing and saying what they're doing. So, yeah, that was pretty bad. And I, I think she took my temperature at the end and looked at me like, thank God you didn't kill yourself and your baby because I didn't have a fever. And I think that was one of the worst moments of all too, just being like, wow, just the icing on top of the cake.
Speaker 1
Wow.
Speaker 3
And I did email them later and and tell them about my experience and I never heard back. Yeah. Wow. So that was my son's birth, and I love your most recent post about how to talk to your children about their birth. I think that's gonna be so helpful one day when he's old enough to talk about it. But, yeah.
Speaker 4
So then how does that leave you for that first year of postpartum? And and at what point are you, like, I'm not doing that again?
Speaker 3
I'm so glad you asked because I I wouldn't have told you off the top of my head, but I mean my first year with my son was so hard. And I don't know how much of it was just his little spirit and who he is meant to be in this life or how much of it was all the trauma from his pregnancy and his birth. But he was it was I think if on anybody else's, you know, allopathic measure, I'm sure they would told me I had postpartum depression. I mean, I was like I had just dread every night, all day. I mean, I was crying. I cried before bed every single night, and it was just, like, just fear of taking care of this little being who I love but who would not stop crying. I mean, he cried for twenty four seven for the first four, five months of his life, didn't sleep. Oh my god. And he's the most I mean, he's just adorable. I love he's magic now, but that first year was really rough. And then kind of as you were pointing out earlier, you know, that spiritual reality of having gone through this thing and and thinking, you know, I stood up for my rights in some way, but really, I didn't. I didn't set myself up for success and then kind of feeling like I'm not whole and I'm not as good of a mom as I could have been by protecting him. And, you know, I had to process all of that, which I
Speaker 1
I
Speaker 3
think that that's motherhood probably until probably forever. Even in the afterlife, I'm like, you're probably always gonna be processing guilt or but for the most part, I feel like I I forgive myself. But, yeah, that first year was really, really difficult.
Speaker 4
So then at what point do you start thinking about your next child and and what does it what does it look like to kinda start organizing around doing things so differently?
Speaker 3
You know, Emilee, I think it's really interesting that you can go through that thing and then think that somehow you're going to find another midwife in a system that's going to help you do something different. And so at the beginning of my next pregnancy, I knew I wanted something so different, but I still I kept myself within the system at the beginning. I was looking for a midwife. I interviewed we moved. We had a cross country move. So I'm in a new city now and a lot more options for home birth midwives. And I thought, hey, I'm gonna find somebody that is going to let me do whatever the f I want. And I did find someone who was much, much better. I explained her that I didn't want to do any tests, and she was really cool about it. She's like, Your body, your choice. Here's Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to tell you what each test does for you and for me. And then you get to decide. At the same time, I know that there is an amount of uncomfortableness for for these women in these scenarios who wanna give you your choice, but they're also working in the system and so they have to cover their backs. And so I did know that there are a couple of things that she was not willing to budge on, and I knew she wanted to monitor me during the actual birth, and I was not okay with that. And so there was a lot of, what do I do? I don't want that, and I and I don't wanna have a woman in my space that I don't feel, is gonna respect my needs and also a woman that I didn't feel spiritually connected with. You know, I don't know how you can, you know, with just one meeting a month become Right. Kin kindred with someone enough that you'd want them to be in your space for for birth. But, anyway, somehow, you know, I just I think I manifested it in my life. I I knew I didn't want this thing, and somehow the IndieBirth podcast and your podcast came onto my radio radar. And, it was actually through a doula in the area. She was like, oh, you should probably just look at the Freebird Society and IndieBirth and and check them out. You're gonna get really into that and and learn a lot from from them. And and so I found you guys. And I think as soon as I clicked on your website and I saw you and Yolanda speaking, I was just like, I mean, this, a, these women, what are they this is a like, I can't even believe that free birth wasn't something that was in my realm of possibilities. Like, to to think that women don't know that they can just have a baby. I mean, it's kind of absurd now looking back, but I was just kind of cracked open and I knew right then and there that this is what I was gonna do. But of course, you know, trying to get my husband on board with that was just like just seemed so it seemed like such a task. And, and I did download your your course, which is amazing. I'm not trying to, like, sell anything on your podcast or anything, but Sell away.
Speaker 1
No. Yeah. I get yeah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. You're right. You're right. So you're afraid to say, Cheryl, sell away. But for any woman, I mean, think about all the money spend on these courses when you're Right. Why we made them? Why do you not spend your money there? I mean, it's amazing. And all the science is compiled, you know, all that stuff that I've seen prior, you know, it's all compiled in one place and it's so much more than that. You know, it's like you're just helping us process all the fear and recondition ourselves, find ourselves again. It's amazing. So that was beautiful, and it helped me have competition with my husband. And while it didn't land the way I wanted it to at the beginning, I mean, he he gets it. And ultimately, at the end of the day, he was the one that was like, okay. You gotta cut ties with this midwife who,
Speaker 1
you know,
Speaker 3
you keep complaining about going in. I'm like, I'm going in because I think you want me to have the safety net. And I realized, no. You know, I think it was probably me. It was that last step for me to just say, I'm taking this responsibility on for myself. And, I think halfway through, I stopped seeing her. And it was silly because I was just going in and talking with her and she kicked my blood pressure. But, she was really cool about it, which is kind of hopeful. She just looked at me and she had to process it for a second, but she was like, wow. That's a really powerful choice to make. And she started tearing up and she gave me a hug, actually.
Speaker 4
So You were like, yeah. I would have loved for you to be there, but you didn't respect my sovereignty or my human rights. So
Speaker 3
I know. I know. I think they want I think people I think there's a part of these women that knows deep down and wants it, but they just it's hard. It's hard. Yeah. So but, yeah, that was really empowering choice to
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
To do that. And then it was just I mean, it did feel so wide. It felt like a wild pregnancy, and that in itself was just you know, that gives you the power, all the power. And
Speaker 4
So how how pregnant were you when when you fired the midwife?
Speaker 3
I think five five months, six months, something somewhere around there.
Speaker 4
Okay. So tell me about the rest of that pregnancy and, like, how do you prepare? How do you talk about it or not talk about it? Who do you surround yourself with? Like, what is it what is it like to step into this this big decision?
Speaker 3
Yeah. Wow. I think that's one of the most important discussions to have because, I mean, it's a lot of work for us women, at least those of us who are deeply conditioned, you know, who grew up in this mainstream world. I, I did not tell a soul. My family is beautiful, and they're actually all on board for this kind of stuff, but it's a lot for them. I thought it'd be too much for a lot of them to handle at the end of the day. Like, they might be on board and, like, power to you on it, but they might have a lot of fear at the end. So I I didn't really tell anybody. I kind of hinted to my mom a little bit, and she seemed to think the idea was really neat. But I just I knew that mothers have fears. So I just I kept it there. I got her, like, blessing in a way, and then I I left it. And then I invited my older sister into my reality because she wanted to be here to support me. She was like, I'm off from work. I can be there. And she's a bodyworker, so she was like, I can help you in those last stages, you know, tend to your body while you're taking care of your toddler. And so I I told her what I planned and she I shared a lot of your information with her and she geeked out about it. I mean, she it's like she loves you guys. So I had this this other woman, my blood sister, on my on my team who I could process things with. But if I can go back, I think one of the biggest parts about getting to a place where I was able to free birth was, you know, dealing with fear of death because I think that was, for me and probably for a lot of women, my biggest fear is dying myself and then leaving my child, my toddler, and my infant without me as a mom. And, which is a really fascinating thing to process, especially because I was doing it during lockdown when we're all processing this on a global level of, like, what is death to us? And, like, what is the process of death? And do we wanna avoid it? What what does it mean for us to die in general? I mean, there's so many bigger there's so many big, big questions around death that I think we as a society are coming around to looking at finally. We've been so divorced from it. So going through that process was really fascinating. And eventually, it just took looking death straight in the eye and being like, so what's the worst that could happen? I die. My children are without a mom. And then what is death? And I mean, it depends on your belief systems and how you look at it, of course. But for me personally, I was like, you know, I believe death is just a reunion with your creator. And it's probably the the most beautiful experiences and rites of passage that we that we get to partake in as souls and beings. So I think for me, once I just stared at it in the face, I was like, oh. And then also this reality for my children, it's just a little piece of their their eternal life. And so all will be well, Anna. All will be well. And I came to terms with it. And then the lockdown happened, and I had to kind of come to terms with that question again. Mhmm. But which is I don't know if you read that Charles Eisenstein article, the coronation, but he has that beautiful question, which is, you know, fear of life is actually fear of death. And then he asked the question of, you know, how much of life are we willing to forego to stay safe? And
Speaker 1
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
It's so applicable to free birth, you know, in terms of all that a a physiological free birth has to offer you on a physical level in terms of protecting your yourself and your baby, but on a spiritual level and what in terms of what it has to offer you as a as a woman in this world and, as a soul. And so, yeah, it was it was a huge deep dive to be doing Yeah. It was pretty during the lockdown was intense. Yeah.
Speaker 4
And in some ways, thank God that was your plan.
Speaker 3
Woah. I know. Yeah. Because then you're processing all these I mean, I had lots of texts being thrown around from women about, you know, my friend had the baby taken away for two weeks. My
Speaker 4
Oh, just horrible stuff.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And that's a lot of fear because if something did go wrong, I would go to a hospital likely, you know. So that's freaky. But Mhmm. It was yeah.
Speaker 4
Okay. So take us take us to the end of your pregnancy, the beginning of of your birth, and however you wanna tell that
Speaker 3
story. Okay. So I carried really long and Like how long? Forty three weeks, I I believe. Same with my son, around forty three weeks. And at some point, I was like, okay, it's time to come out. And, I it was the next morning was gonna be Greek Easter, and my husband's Greek. And I grew up in a Christian and Greek Orthodox home. And while my, like, spirituality isn't contained within that necessarily, I it's a beautiful story, the resurrection. And my name means resurrection, means resurrection. And so I was like, okay. I'm gonna have another resurrection, baby. Just come on on Easter. And, and the night before, Easter, I was just like, you know, I think I just need to go for a walk. It was about ten PM, and I went out for a late night walk. And sure enough, I started having some sensations that felt like more more more than what I've experienced the prior weeks. And I went home and I just was very quiet. My husband was up, safe on the couch. He felt safe doing work. And I was like, oh, perfect. Because I my plan was to give birth alone in a dark room, just me in the universe. And I I got that. So my sister was downstairs sleeping. My husband's on the couch, and I just quietly set my breathing basket out in the hallway. And I lit my birth candle that my sister made for me, and my altar. And I turned on some beautiful, like, a serial meditation music. And I just was so curious, you know, what's gonna happen. This is so exciting, and, I I thought I was gonna have another long labor, so I just got crawled into bed with the candle and listened to music, and I just let the process begin. And I think my birth, I would map it out in different different pieces, and that first piece was just me in bed. And it was you know, I'm always curious about what does it mean to have a orgasmic birth or a sensual birth. And while I wasn't orgasming or anything, it was so sensual. And, in the beginning, you can really allow yourself to just feel the sensations because there's not it's not intense yet. So it was just this really sensual time in bed with myself, just totally present to my bodily sensations, and I really got a sense for for what maybe women are talking about when they when they have those experiences or those feelings in birth. So that was really special because I think just getting present in itself was new for me. You know? That was not at all a part of my last birth being present to my body. Can you believe it? But then as things started to get intense, it started to be a little more I I hear women saying psychedelic, and it's interesting because it I, like, I wanna use that word, you know, in in a way that started I started feeling like I was connecting to some other realm or world, and I started talking to some women in my life who had recently deceased had been deceased, who had recently died, my godmother and my my yaya. And there was this beautiful moment where I'm talking to them, and I just felt them there with me. And we just kinda had had a there was no nothing wrong in our relationships in this life, but but there was, like, a need to connect on some level around some stuff. And we had that moment, and it was really special and and special to know that I had people or souls there with me doing this birth. And then after I spoke with with them, then I I started having this vision of an ancestor that I've never met. And it's so interesting, Emilee, because I I mean, I've always wanted to be really connected with my intuition and my spirituality, and I talk about it. And I'm, like, on this journey, but I would never consider myself, like, as someone who has great access to that. But in birth, I felt like, oh, here it is. I I I have it. And I saw this ancestor that I kind of always had this inkling of a relationship with all my life. And she she revealed herself visually and and there she was. She was just like beautiful blonde bombshell herbalist, someone. I don't know. She she's standing on a hill and the wind was blowing through her hair and I saw her and I believe she's from my grandmother's side. That was really, really neat because I've always had this connection with that side and not really known what it was. And there she was. And and that was really powerful, again, just to be like, oh, I'm not alone right now. This is we're all doing this together. And then things started to get really intense. And that's where I moved out of the bed. And I started having to move my body. And the music was playing. It was gorgeous. And I think for me, it wasn't a spiraling movement. It was more like a figure eight, like a infinity sign back and forth, which now looking at, I'm like, well, how synchronous it. You know, it's it's the cycle that, you know, the never ending cycle of of life and death and rebirth and resurrection. And so that movement was so important during that this birth. And, I have this huge window to the stars in my bedroom. And so just had the sky and the music and my flickering candle that felt like total total strobe light. It's just like it did feel kind of otherworldly and I just we just danced and danced and it started to get really intense. And, you know, it's funny is, again, this theme coming in, which was, like, I did not have this mantra in my mind going into it. But my mantra ended up being, like, basically, I die to be reborn. And that sounds so intense, but it really feels like that. You're like, this is such a strong sensation, and I'm every time it comes on, I'm, like, dying a little bit because I know what's on the other side of this. Not only I'm gonna meet my baby, I'm gonna meet myself. And I'm just so it was just that I died to be reborn. I died to be reborn. I died to be reborn. I died to this life. I died of myself. And Wow. Yeah. That was just cool thinking back on on thinking back on it and seeing how all these things kinda fell into place. And then it gets to the point where I'm like, oh, I think I have a bowel movement, and I go to the bathroom and, it was just transition now looking back on it. It was just so intense, and that's when I think my husband woke up. I think he heard me because that was the first time I started vocalizing. I just couldn't not. And I for me, transition kind of took me out of that that other world Totally. The zone. And I'm just like, oh my god. This sucks that every woman or not every woman, but lots of women have that experience. So my husband comes in and then he's there and I don't know. When you have a witness, especially your husband, I think I am also an actress. So it's just a little bit more drama just because it's fun maybe, if you can call it that. So I started swearing and being like, this is terrible and remind me never to have a baby again and, you know, all those things that come up. But that was not very long. At some point, I just started feeling the urge to bear down. I was like, oh, wow. So I think fifteen minutes in transition and I walked into the bedroom and I just leaned over the bed then he had no idea what's going on. He was, like, totally out of it, tired and I think he left to just, like, go to the bathroom or something. He thought we'd have, like, eight more hours of labor and so I'm just in the bedroom now, like, roaring. And that I think that's my favorite part of the birth. It's just like, no. It's imminent. No baby's coming. You can't help but just release your body, like, release all the pain of I don't know. It felt to me, like, I was just, like, completing this huge cycle of emotion in terms of just, like, all the crap that's in me from my life, from my mom's life, from everybody. It was just, like, this huge completion of emotion in terms of just, like, here it is, universe. I am, like, letting it all out. And Nice. The stars were there with me, and I was totally on another that was, like, I mean, we just I felt, like, totally not here. It was it was nuts. And, my little son's, like, ten feet away. Worst sleeper slept right through it. And that was kind of interesting. But some roaring and roaring, and then suddenly I I'm like, where where is the baby? I reach up and I don't feel anything, and I'm like, oh my gosh. She has to be here here. Whoever it is has to be close. And then, of course, I felt it. I felt my whole body just crack open, and I felt baby descend. And I know I've heard women speak about this moment, and it was so fabulous to experience it and and be present to it. But you just really you feel the baby coming down, and you're like, this is it. And, and, she started coming out. It wasn't it was not a head. It was, it felt like the sack, and my waters hadn't broken yet. So I was like, oh my gosh. So this is this is not her yet, but something's coming out. And, it was, like, two big urges. And then she came out, this jelly bean in call, or that's what I thought. It was so dark, and I was just using my hands to catch her. And then when I lifted her up, you know, there's a big splash and and there she was and she just looked at me. There was no crying. There was no she just looked at me wide eyed and then she cooed. It was so, like, just sweet, and that's her personality. She's just a sweetheart. It was just a little, like, oh. And, and then the first thing I did was I swiped down by her yoni because I I wanted to know if it was a boy or girl and and if it was a girl, obviously. And, that was a really special moment because I I can say all I want that I was excited for a boy or a girl, but I really, really, really wanted to bring a woman into this world. And so there she was, and I climbed into bed. And, man, to not have anybody in your space after a baby's born. Mhmm. Talking to my husband about it, that was the best thing for him. It's like, we just got to experience her and each other, and it was so sacred and and special and And, like, whole. And whole. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 4
So what about the placenta? Do you remember?
Speaker 3
Yeah. The placenta both times, my placenta came almost immediately, which was helpful because the sensations are hard to handle when you're trying to connect with baby. And, but the placenta came out whole and and beautifully. And I did have a lot more bleeding this time than last time, but it was I was in such faith, you know, and, you know, the days following, I had some kind of, like, fear that I had to process around bleeding and, tearing, which I actually did not tear at all. I I had a lot of fear that my scar tissue down there was just gonna break open and there was absolutely no tear in this time and no pain, no, you know, last my last birth, I couldn't walk or sit up for, like, six weeks because something prolapsed or I actually don't even know. But, this is whole physically, spiritually, mentally, it was just so so wonderful. Yeah. It's beautiful. Yeah.
Speaker 4
So how do you feel like this experience has shaped you as a woman?
Speaker 3
I, I keep like, when people ask me about it, I have this image in my head. And I you know that you know, Alex Gray, he's that artist. I know you know Mhmm. You posted one of those pictures that I love, which is that picture of the woman giving birth. And Mhmm. It's fascinating because when I was manifesting or dreaming of my birth, I was looking at that picture. I'm like, this is the this is what I want. I want this spiritual, you know, I wanna connect with the divine. I wanna come home to myself and and okay. So in that picture, what I was envisioning prior to birth is that the universe is coming into me and and and using me as a vessel and it's this way in which I'm just opening myself up to be connected with the universe. And what I actually felt in birth was that the sensations and the power started from in my womb, and it worked itself up through my body out of my throat instead of into my throat. And and I think it's a perfect illustration because it's like, what did this free birth give me instead of looking outside of myself for the answers, for the power? It's like, no, it's like the divine is in you already. It's right there. And and and the whole process is of this free birth is that it reminds you of that, that you are divine, that you hold the divine spirit and you hold the power. You are sovereign. And so I think that that's what it gave me is it's like this huge I said it already, but coming home to myself and realization of who I get to be in this life and and that I am a sovereign individual. And
Speaker 4
and and that the only journey is the journey inwards. You know, there really is no outward journey. Like, it all is a journey of of coming home to our to our god consciousness, you know, our divinity.
Speaker 3
Yes. Yes. Yeah. And imagine, like and you guys say it all the time. Peace on earth begins with birth. But, like, imagine if every woman could have that realization, and then every child is born to a woman who has that realization or it's really big, Emilee. I mean, I like I feel like so much love for you and all the women in your community because it's just been the biggest gift and it it transcends just birth and mothering. It's it's kind of become a part of every aspect of my life, and Yeah. It's really huge.
Speaker 4
Yeah. It is really huge, and it's it's for us to to, like you just said, to imagine a world and a generation born to a world of women who experience transformative, you know, life, life and death and rebirth and everything you just spoke about. I mean, that is the vision. And the more women that can hold that prayer and be willing to actualize it, like, it's it's the most it's the it's like the origin of change. It's the most impactful, quickest way to shape a world we wanna live in and that we wanna leave. So I'm so I'm so grateful that you're a part of it and that you you get it and that and that you've you're carrying it on in your own life and in your own family. It's it's really everything.
Speaker 3
And just to reiterate what you said, it's like, it's as simple as that. It's like just giving birth the way you are made to give birth. Like, it's just it's just that. That that that is the way in for for all of us women if that's what we choose if that's the path that we choose to to to get there. But
Speaker 4
Especially if the way that we're made to give birth is also the way we want to give birth Yes. To then do that. Yeah. You know, because so many women, you know, are like, I want a natural birth, and then they go to the hospital or where they c section everybody. And and just it's it's out of congruence with what they're saying. And I know it's complex, and it's it's not, it's not really to place blame anywhere. It's just, it's a whole another layer to, you know, to to yeah. To really understand this and then actually be willing to go against the grain and carve a new path that is for you and for your family and for and for the world in such a a a holistic way.
Speaker 3
Yes. And and you guys are all the women out there that are they're doing this work in a public way like you guys are, it's like you're making that become a reality because so many of us don't even know that it's an option. You know? It's like like you said, there's no blame on anybody because it's like women just don't know. It's Yeah.
Speaker 4
We've been totally hypnotized. We've been totally, you know, instinct injured as as sister Morningstar says. And and it is the journey of coming home. I always use the image of a lighthouse because that's really what what it feels like and and that when we are turned on to this, you know, it really is our responsibility to discharge, you know, this light and and to help bring women home. Yeah. It's totally happening. And, I mean, even this podcast, like, this was kind of the start of it all. And it's so fun now to be in our fourth season because now we have so many stories of women on the podcast who it was the podcast that brought them into it. So it's like this beautiful Oh. Cyclical experience. And Yeah. I mean, I always think about the moment it occurred to me that I could just birth and how Yeah. Like, once you see it, you can't unsee it. And so, you know, for all the women who are willing to speak about this publicly and take the social risk, you know, and and to do to do this work in the world and to even just talk about it, it's the the I mean, we just we just can't afford not to because we're seeing, globally, women be so turned on by it and then make these incredible transformations in their life.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And it is a risk. Like, it feels risky. And and it is I yeah. And I don't have the words, but I'm just so grateful. I'm so grateful that women are speaking up about it. It's like because it does feel like such a like, it can feel like a judgment on on women when that's not the choice that they made or if they didn't know about it in time. And it's like we need more women to just let go of the fear of not pleasing everybody else. I spent my entire life doing that and so I'm just I'm so happy to be speaking with you, Emilee. And it's really neat to share a good beautiful story because I feel like a lot of us women have this tendency to just hide the beauty in our life because it is affronting for people who haven't experienced that. And and I'm done with that. I'm done with that. And I see so many beautiful women who have not had that experience of upholding this story, upholding this work. And those are the women that I'm like, wow. You are amazing. You didn't even get the chance to do this thing, but you're shining a light on it. Like, that is power. You know? Yeah.
Speaker 4
And it's collective healing, you know? And and we all have our different paths to walk and our different timing of things. And and really it's you know, everyone has their role to play. And so a woman speaking out about her traumatic birth that doesn't get to walk through these gates again, you know, there's a really powerful story there to to be shared and and held and healed, you know. And then and then yeah. I mean, it is it's just collective. It's all, you know, birth and power heal the world.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Mhmm.
Speaker 4
Well, thank you so much.
Speaker 3
Oh my gosh. Thank you, Emilee and all of you guys. I'm yeah. Said it ten times already. I love you guys so much. It's really it's it's really good work you're doing. So thank you.
Speaker 4
Yeah. I'm really proud of you and the gift you gave your family.
Speaker 3
Thanks. Thanks so much.
Speaker 2
And that's it for today, my sisters. Check out everything we do, including one on one and group coaching. Learn about our private membership, in person retreats, and more on free birth society dot com. Our online courses are on free birth society courses dot com, including our flagship course, the complete guide to free birth. Don't miss the radical birth keeper school if you're ready to become the authentic midwife that women are searching for. Together we rise, and the revolution starts inside each of us. I'll leave you with our Freebird Society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba Reddy.
Speaker 5
You for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored, eons upon light beams of survival, withstanding the eradication of our power by design. I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth in captivity. The picket line redefined from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging out babes. Strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts, keep your needles. My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons or your poison. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention. Death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back from the star.
