Speaker 0
Into the wild, I'm
Speaker 1
going
Speaker 0
into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home. Into the wild I'm good. Into the wild I hid. It's been a while, freedom child, since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 2
Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative, we'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 0
It's been a wild freedom change.
Speaker 3
I'm joined today by Sarah, calling in from her yurt on Maui, Hawaii. On the same day she decided to leave her partner, Sarah, at twenty two years of age, was shocked to discover she was unexpectedly pregnant. This episode is a poetic tale of a young woman turning towards trust, surrendering to the great mystery, and learning how to choose herself completely. Sarah shares about her wild pregnancy, and of the lessons she was sent during her psychedelic outdoor birth. She also tells us of her blissful first year of motherhood, and of the tearful sweetness of her father coming to take care of her postpartum.
Speaker 1
The beginning of my journey to motherhood, my child, Canoe, my sweet little boy, Canoe, was a total surprise.
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 1
Yeah. I was twenty two when I got pregnant with him. And, I had actually just separated or I asked his father to separate, and then literally that same day, I got a conceived canoe and,
Speaker 3
Oh my god.
Speaker 1
Yeah. So he was like, no. Like, I'm coming in whether you like it or not. Like, this is my golden window, and we were out in, Kipahulu on Maui, on a computer.
Speaker 3
Like breakups then?
Speaker 1
No. It wasn't. It was just kind of, like it was it was just kind of spontaneous. Like, I he he had left to go stay in this farm on the other side of the island, and I went to go, visit and just, like, drop in and, connect with my loved ones over there. And then, you know, we did the thing, and I got pregnant. And I remember, like, the next morning just feeling really, really, really in love with him, and, like, something shifted vibrationally for us. I was like, woah. Like, this is weird. Like, all of a sudden, I just my heart just feels, like, blasted open to you. And, and it was never closed. It was just kind of the the intimacy factor. I was like, I just want to, like, reclaim my energy right now. And but then, hey. I got pregnant. And so that was so I have this thing where I say, like, canoe is our glue. Oh. Canoe keeps us together. And, yeah, bonds us so deeply. And so I got pregnant, and, you know, it was really beautiful. Seth really stepped up right away, and he left the community. He moved back over here and just got a job landscaping and because I felt like total shit. I think in the first few months of my pregnancy, I was so sick, and all I wanted to do was sleep. Yeah. Totally. Me too. I was like, all I could do oh my gosh. Like, unless I was gonna chug down the caffeine. I was my body was really, really needing rats. And something that, you know, is a vulnerable thing for me was that I it took me, like, three months to really accept it. Like, I I it was really hard for me to I mean, I was I was twenty two, and I had this whole vision for my life. Like, I'm gonna focus on my music and travel the world more. And but God had this other plan for me. And so now that I've I said it was like my path. I had to surrender to my path as a mother. And as soon as I did, like, so many beautiful things started flowing into my life. And and now more than ever do I now that I, like, have this deep, deep love for my son, I couldn't imagine not knowing him.
Speaker 3
And Oh my god. I think you really you really bring up this this idea, this notion, this reality that's not talked about enough that babies can bring and often do bring abundance and even more vitality and even more gifts into our lives. And I think it's such a patriarchal, you know, kind of outdated narrative that a child is, the end of our lives. And and for so many women I know, myself included, I have never felt more creative and more, yeah, just abundant and vitalized than since I've created life. I mean, it makes sense, but it's it's something women need to hear.
Speaker 1
Absolutely. Yeah. Since Canoe or since becoming pregnant with canoe, my whole life has shifted drastically in a really beautiful way. And I'm so much more grounded now. I was I was traveling for nomadic for years, like probably seven, eight years since I was fifteen. And I needed this. I needed to, like, root deeply into the earth and and fully, like, embody what the mother in order to actually, like, value myself and my energy and really value life. Like, I cherish life so much more now. It's really incredible. So, yeah, my pregnancy, I chose to not have any ultrasounds. I did some research and found that it was damaging. And, even before the research, my intuition told me no. And I'm a very intuitive being. Like, we all are, but I've put in made actions in my life to really nurture my intuition and trust my intuition. And my intuition really guided me to have that the wild pregnancy and just, like, really trust my body. And the only, time I went to a doctor was to pee on a stick.
Speaker 3
That's right.
Speaker 1
Well, I was eight days pregnant. And and it was she's a woman in our community, and she's beautiful soul who ended up actually coming after my birth. Like, I'll share that bit later. But yeah. So no ultrasounds for us. And, thankfully, my partner was very supportive of he's such a naturalist, and he really supported me in just trusting my intuition and having a free birth, which is huge, like, huge to have that support and that trust from my partner. And so thankful for that.
Speaker 3
So at what point was it clear to you that you weren't going to, like, hire a midwife? And obviously, it's it's one thing to choose home birth. It's a whole another thing to to really step outside of of the I mean, you did choose home birth. You birthed at home, but you know what I mean? You like to step outside the the entire paradigm of of a provider being there to manage you. So tell me a little bit about, like, when that started to kind of come into your head. Like, did you think about any of this before you were pregnant? I know it was a surprise, so I'm kind of assuming maybe not.
Speaker 1
Yeah. I I have thought I mean, I've always wanted to be a mama, and I've always had I've I'm a just a wild person, like, very you know, I used to live in the jungle and sleep on the earth and bathe in the rivers and just always striving to be as close to the earth and as close to that primordial energy as I could because I was what's what is what feeds my soul. And I just kinda knew like right honestly, as soon as I transitioned from like, okay. I'm actually having this baby. I'm three months now. There's no turning back. And so now it's time to think about, okay. How are we gonna do this? And I just started connecting with women in my community. And luckily here in Hawaii, there's a lot of beautiful women and mothers that have chosen to really birth in their power and birth at home or birth freely without without a midwife or birth with a midwife. And so I'm just, like, in that energy here already, and it's intuitively, that's what came to me. I knew I was gonna have a free birth. I just felt it in my bones. Like, I had a lot of people telling me, like, get it a midwife. You can do it. And I was like, well, are you gonna give me three grand? Mhmm. You have money for me? And then it because I think that was, like, my excuse is like, oh, it cost money. So, like, I'm just not gonna go. But, like, really, it was deeper than that. It was it was, like, I just know that I wanna have a free birth. And
Speaker 3
Had you heard that term prior?
Speaker 1
Yeah. Yeah. I had because I mean, I had tuned into your podcast throughout my pregnancy, and then I also had a couple of friends that I remember tuning in with my sister Riley when I was just pregnant. She was like, yeah. Whatever's for you, it'll come to you. Like, for me, I just got a hit with having an unassisted birth. And, and that's what ended up panning out for me. And I was like, cool. Well, I'll just flow with it, see.
Speaker 3
Gosh. It makes such a difference when you know a woman that can speak to it. It's such a big deal.
Speaker 1
A few weeks before my birth, there's a wise woman in our community who I used to live with her, and, like, I really love her, and she really loves me. And she's an acupuncturist and an herbalist, and, she's like she invited me and my partner over and was like, I I really think it's a good idea that you guys get a midwife. And at that point, I had already decided, like, no. Like, I don't wanna because she had offered, like, to be there and support because she's attended probably a dozen births and, and has a lot of knowledge in helping with the process. But she actually this is huge to share this, but she had a very, traumatic experience, where the birth she had recently attended, like, a week before she called us in, the baby actually died. And so she was, like, in that wound, and I feel like really kinda sharing out of love and protection, but also out of that wound of Totally. She was there as a as a doula, and the fucking baby died. Like
Speaker 3
Well, also the irony is, like, but that birth did have that did have a midwife and a doula, and it still happened because it does happen,
Speaker 1
you know?
Speaker 3
And it happens more than than people realize,
Speaker 1
and it
Speaker 3
happens in the hospital way more frequently than people realize. And, yeah, it's, there's no there's no, like, stone cold way to avoid the possibility of of that.
Speaker 1
Yeah. And, so she was for me, she was kind of like a backup. Like, okay, a woman to have if I felt like I really needed somebody else there to support us, I had our I had a beautiful friend of mine who's an amazing mother of four, just did a doula training, and as I decided, I want you to be my doula. And for me, having a doula was, I mean, at twenty three, I was like, I just wanna have a wise woman there that I really trust and really that can support me, that's been through the process. And,
Speaker 3
But, Sarah, what you're describing is a midwife. And that's that's what's so interesting about the the how the terms and the the kind of hierarchical, you know, like, co opted new model of midwifery has has stolen what you just described. Right? Which, like, everything that you just said of what you would want around having a wise woman who's been there, who's gonna love you through this and witness you, that is literally the role of a midwife. And, you know, I'm not at all saying that to, like, to correct you, but rather it's just something we talk about in in our community all the time of these doulas who get called upon to be actually a midwife, but everyone's using different language for it because midwifery now means a medical provider that's going to manage you.
Speaker 1
Yeah. I mean, that's yeah. You know what I mean, though? Is it interesting? It is. It's very interesting. Absolutely. It's I mean, it's it's honestly, it's painful. Like Mhmm. Like, why? Yeah. I that's something that I wanted to tap into as well as my emotional journey through my labor. So, yeah, I had Mohala, my doula, and she was incredibly helpful. And and then the woman, my auntie Morgana, she ended up coming, but because my doula wanted her. Last minute, my doula was, like, felt she felt some fear and wanted extra support. Like, she didn't feel comfortable just being that only person there. Wow. Because it was her first birth she'd attended. And and I had a whole process around that because I I felt like my vision was altered because That's a good idea. Other people's projections or other people's needs. Like, because my mom yeah. Like, my mom also showed up and I I didn't really want my mom there, but, I mean, I I really just wanted a freaking free birth. Oh. I knew that I would be the most comfortable as far away from people as I possibly could and I felt it in my labor. I felt self conscious because I was diving into like the freaking the deepest portal of my entire life. And I felt self conscious of that depth. Like, I don't want other people to hear this. I don't want other people to witness this. This is so personal. This is so deep. Like, I am literally traveling deeper into my ancestral lines than I ever have and ever will until I give birth again. And, like, this is really, really vulnerable. And that and I and I totally understood, like, why I was envisioning myself alone in nature because that's how I always envision myself giving birth, was alone in nature. And I mean, that was just that's how we've always done it, up until however long they told us that that's not the right way to do it. And,
Speaker 0
so
Speaker 1
yeah. I definite I learned a lot. Like, I learned a lot about okay. I mean, I had such an incredible birth, and I I am really thankful that Morgana, my auntie, came the acupuncturist because, I did end up standing up in the tub and I had been in the tub water all day and it was really dirty. And, like, when as soon as I stood up, my baby just flew out of me and and she was there behind me and, like, helped my partner catch the baby. And and I I mean, I was really upset about that, and I did express that to her. Like, I wanted my partner to catch I wanted Seth to catch the canoe, and I felt but, you know, I I am thankful, and that's what it comes down to at the end of the day. I know that my birth was incredible and beautiful and blessed, and I really had a lot of love and support around me, and people care for me. And
Speaker 3
And it can be all of it. Like, of course, you can have all of that. It's it's a complex experience. And it's it you can you can be so grateful to the people there and and how hard they tried and, like, give them the benefit of the doubt. Like, of course, they all did their best, and it was all done in service and love. And you can still also not like parts of it or or criticize, you know, parts of it. Like, all of that gets to be here together, and it doesn't take away from your acceptance of the experience. Mhmm. Right?
Speaker 1
Yeah.
Speaker 3
Because I actually think we really need women to share what you
Speaker 1
just shared because so many
Speaker 3
Mhmm. Birth attendants listen to this podcast. And more women, I need to get willing to talk about the parts that they felt were, you know, taken from them or or that weren't centering them. And and the more women that can know that, then they're gonna have that at their backs when they go into into more births.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. For me, I've processed emotionally the whole my whole labor. And days after my birth, I was just weeping and crying. I was so sad. I was so sad. And I was, like, finding I think it was so much deeper than the actual literal birthing process Mhmm. That I was sad about. But it was it was giving me something to be sad about so that I could allow all of my emotions to flow. Like, I don't think I ever cried that much in my whole life. And Yeah. Yeah. And so that's why I'm able to say, you know, right now, I'm in a space of acceptance and gratitude, but for my birth experience. And there were a couple things about it that if I could go back in time, I would change. But I do see that it it happened divinely, and it happened as it was supposed to. And the biggest lesson that I learned was and, you know, my friend, my dear sister, Jesse, she was here when I oh my god. I'm gonna cry. When I when when I started in labor, she came and she brought flowers and she helped my partner set up the tub, and she was like, stay true to your vision, Sarah. Stay true to your vision. And, and I was like, oh, wow. Like, that's deep. Like, right now, like, did it really, really truly honor my vision for this birth? And in some ways I did, but other people's energies also got in the way of my vision. And that's why I understand now why I wanted a free birth. It's like, because I didn't want other people's freaking energy to get in the way of my vision. I just I had a clear vision and and it unfolded a little differently because of other people. Yeah. But I also I'm also thankful for it all. You know? Totally. So I learned to really truly we just have to we have to trust ourselves. We have to trust our bodies, and whatever we can do to cultivate that trust is gonna help us in giving birth. And if that's that can be a huge leap. Like, having a free birth, it's a huge leap, man. A huge leap of faith, especially when there's people outside saying, like, get a midwife, get a midwife, every even, you know, I went to prenatal and yoga and I'm my yoga teacher, my first class I mean, given she never met me. Anybody that knew me was like, oh, yeah. Like, free birth, you can do it. But people that are more, like, in the old paradigm or not fully in their fully in trust, or people that honestly just had no idea who I am, they would say get a midwife. And, so, yeah, my my prenatal yoga teacher was, like, get a midwife and gave me a number of this midwife. And I texted her and I'm instantly I just felt this fear from her and I texted her back. I was like, I'm sorry. I can't meet up with you because you're I'm just not feeling your vibe right now, and I really need to protect my energy and protect what projections I'm I'm letting into my field around birth right now. And that's why I really appreciated Yeah. The podcast because yeah.
Speaker 3
You bring up such a good point too around or that it
Speaker 1
makes me think of that
Speaker 3
Like, of course, we as women need to be practicing trust of ourselves and choosing ourselves and, you know, having the willingness and the courage to actualize our own visions and all of that. Yes. And at the same time, the women around the pregnant woman also need to be practicing decentering ourselves and trusting the pregnant woman and, you know, not making these, you know, pretty self centered suggestions or, you know, feeling like everyone needs to save you or tell you what to do or, you know, I mean, even and I'm this isn't like a direct judgment of her, but, like, inviting someone else into someone else's birth without full permission is a pretty big violation of the space. And, you know, and and if you're afraid, you can justify that violation. But it really, to me, speaks to the wound that we all carry, you know, under patriarchy of not knowing how to be with women, not knowing how to we we you know, women don't know what birth is anymore. They don't know how to how to, you know, hold that fire while another woman walks through it. And that's we have to relearn that as women, you know, so that when a woman like you wants to actualize this beautiful vision, it doesn't get sabotaged in any way, but it gets exalted.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Absolutely. And I mean, it's also really hard to communicate with a woman in labor what her what her needs are. Because my mom was, you know, I didn't she was in and out of my labor and even my roommates were in and out. And I was just like, oh my god. Like, I just need I need space. At the end of the day, I was like, okay. I just need space. And it's funny because as soon as everybody or my roommates left, and that's when I gave birth. And but I wanted to speak on that. Because I did talk to my mom, like, mom, I I'm upset because I don't feel like I was fully honored in my process and yada, dada, and or, like, other people's needs and desires went before my original vision. And, I mean, it was beautiful. She did validate my emotions and held space for my feelings, but she also expressed that she was she had asked me in the labor, like, if I wanted Morgana to come or if I wanted her to be there. And I was like, mom, I was in a whole another dimension. Like, when you're in labor, like, it's not I'm like, oh, give me strawberry. Give me strawberry. Or, like, I don't know what who I want around. Mhmm. And I think I one thing I didn't do, I didn't write down my birth store my birth plan. I didn't write down my vision, and and I feel like that would have really helped to lock that in and to share that with everybody that was in some way being a part. And so any woman that's gonna give birth And my best friend suggested this to me. It's like, write write your vision down. Write down all the details, the sage, this watermelon juice. What what time is the sun on you? Are you outside? Are you nestled in a cocoon inside? Are you in the bathtub? Are you out on the grass? How really write it out and share that with anybody that may or may not be present in your birth so that they know clearly what what are you seeing? What are you visualizing? What is what are you calling in for your birth experience?
Speaker 3
No. Yeah. It's really important.
Speaker 1
No attachments. I know that so many of us have this beautiful vision, and then sometimes things our spirit has another plan for us, and there comes a point where we have to surrender. Just like me getting pregnant, I had to surrender whatever my vision was and just fully surrender to becoming a mother. And same can go for our birth. And but and and it is powerful to visualize, write it down, and really believe and feel it and can make a huge difference. So
Speaker 3
Totally. So tell me tell me the story.
Speaker 1
Oh, and alright. Here it is. I was like, alright. Now is the time. So I started going in okay. I really started labor a couple day or a day before I was on my way to town to actually play a gig. And I started feeling, and this is little cafe I've been playing there for over the years, music, and I started feeling something that I never felt before. I'm like, oh, am I gonna go into labor on on stage? And I got there and it stopped and, like, I channeled some music and it was so beautiful and I've and then I came home. And then the next day, in the evening, I remember I was working on a sewing project sitting in my chair. And I walked into the kitchen and I said some I swear to God, somebody put weed in my food. Like, I am high right now. And I remember sitting on the same chair I'm sitting on right now, and my something was going on. I felt like my pelvis was soft, and I couldn't I couldn't sit. And I didn't really know why yet. But and then I went to sleep that night after I finished sewing, and I woke up around three I'll say three thirty three because it's my favorite number. And I was pretty sure I was in labor. And I woke up my sweetie and I said, hey. I'm I think it's happening. Like, our baby's coming. And I was like, wow. Really? Okay. And all I wanted was to be in wide legged child's pose on my bed and just breathe and feel and open. And couple hours passed, and it was steady. And so I was fully convinced at that point that I was in labor, and my partner made me French toast. And that was my fuel for the first ten hours of my labor was French toast, my favorite all time favorite breakfast. Oh, it's so magical. I just could feel the energy opening up and my roommates everybody starts waking up and I'm like, yay, guys. I mean, it's happening. Today's the day, and it was my roommate's birthday. Aw. Just so cool. Carly, shout out. And I basically expressed that I was stealing the day because I'm go I'm in labor. So, they asked how they could help, and they started I asked them to kinda clean up my space, and so they did. They put things away and swept, which was so sweet. And I was ten days before my due date. I calculated my own due date, and it was June seventeenth. I went into labor June seventh. So, yeah, my sweetheart and my friend Jesse started setting up the tub outside on the grass, and I was visualizing a water birth. And I didn't end up giving birth in the water, but the warm tub was so helpful. It was one of those steel round tubs, like a watering trough. Mhmm. And it was cool because my best friend actually gave birth in that tub and I was there at her birth and it was my first birth that I'd ever attended. And it was the most beautiful experience and little did I know I was gonna be giving birth in that same tub and laboring in that tub. And, oh, there was flowers in the tub and there was I was being fed watermelon and, I will say I did I was aiming for an orgasmic birth, of course. Didn't end up being orgasmic. It was very I had a lot of deeply painful sensations in my labor. Like, my every contraction was just, woo, it was a ride. And what helped me a lot was moving. Like, I ended up walking all over the property and walking in circles around the room and holding on to tree and, you know, spiraling and really welcoming as much, movement as I possibly could and moaning and toning and just doing whatever I could to get out of my head and surrender and surrender deeper and deeper and deeper. And, I am thankful for my doula. There was a she bought her dune dunes and was playing with drums, and that felt really amazing. And my partner was talking to me, and I remember looking at him like, don't speak don't speak English to me. Just sing. Just sing. I was like, I did not wanna hear any words at all from anybody. I just I just wanted music and, so he was singing some beautiful Hawaiian chants, Oli. And that was beautiful. It helped so much and it's just so soothing. And what a position for him to be in, to be in the masculine, just having to fully surrender to hold space for this deep process. No control, and all I could do is sing for me. So there came a point in my labor that I felt like well, before that point, I started singing and this is something okay. First thing I wanted to speak to was grief. When I was in my labor, I had to grieve. I really tapped into some very, very deep, deep, deep pain, and I couldn't really put my finger on it, but I was just wailing, crying deep, deep cry. And, I remember my doula coming to me and scrubbing my back and, like, holding space for me to feel as I'm on the earth, throwing myself on there, just like screaming and crying. And I feel that throughout my whole labor, I was in a process of clearing. Like, I was clearing my body. I was clearing the space and the land of which I live on. I was clearing my, ancestral line, my mother and father line. I was clearing the way for this child to come through. And my most favorite part of my labor is which I always hold so sacred to me is, I started singing, and I tapped into something that was so deep. It was the deepest thing I've ever felt my whole life, and it was a chant that was coming through me that was so beyond me. Like, I literally I wasn't even breathing. That's how much how deeply I was channeling. Like, I was singing harder, louder, deeper than I'd ever felt. And it was like the soul of the earth was singing through me, and I could feel her. And it was so beautiful. It's like, woah, this is beautiful. And it was gushing through me like a waterfall, like this deep song was gushing and it was the only time in my entire labor that I did not feel any pain. And it was so beautiful because it was, like, twelve contractions or twelve gushes or rushes where I didn't feel any pain, and it was when I was singing. And awesome. Oh my gosh. It was so beautiful. I'll always remember that feeling, and I could feel my voice. I could feel this song that it was literally reaching, like, into the depths of the forest around me and clearing the space so that my child felt safe to come through. Yeah. And, oh, man. And that's, I mean, that's the place that we have to go for a child to come through us, and it's so beyond my comprehension. It was so beyond my comprehension of of what is in, like, so, just so deep. Like, the deepest thing I ever felt.
Speaker 3
Did you have any reference point prior to birth with psychedelics?
Speaker 1
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've definitely journeyed very deeply with medicine. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And, I mean, I just in general, like, I've I'm just a really deep kind of person, and I had, like, tapped into that space very gently while channeling music before, but it was always, like, just touching and not in a way that I felt in labor. That was like opening the faucet, and it just was rushing and So good. I got this download. I did. I got this download from Spirit. You are gonna be channeling music like this. This this song for people to heal people and help them connect with their soul. But eventually, somewhere in my path well, I don't know. I don't wanna say that because I think as a woman who's called to the medicine path, like, it's such a journey of unraveling and surrendering and being open because it's a lot to reclaim what has been lost, a lot to step into our power because for so many generations, it's been so unsafe for us. And I did have an experience after birth where I I opened up that channel in a public setting again. It's like, oh, yeah. This is what spirit really wants me to do and for people. And it's scary because it seems like it's too much. Like, this is too much. But, like, really, no. That's what that's what our soul our soul wants, that feeling of deep, deep, deep belonging and deep connection. And so I do wanna help people connect with that space of connection. And, yeah, so powerful stuff. And
Speaker 3
Okay. So where were we? You're having the most epically beautiful experience ever with this beautiful song. And then what happened?
Speaker 1
And then it fades out, and I lost I lost touch with it. It was like a stream, and I was in the river. And then, I snapped out of it, and, and then I was feeling tired. And I just remember allowing the warm water to hold me and I needed that rest. Like, in between every rush, I needed to just rest as deeply as I possibly could. And my partner after is like, I thought you were gonna drown or something because you're just so still in those moments. So he was keeping a really close eye on me. There there there was a time oh, I will speak to this. Both my doula and then my, I guess, second doula, my auntie Morgana, they at one point, they both said, like, you're probably gonna be here deep into the night. And that really pissed me off because that took me out of the present. That took me out of Not necessary. Just being present. It was like looking into the future. I'm like, oh, I'm gonna have to be in this. I mean, I'm just a in general, kind of I'm used to, being in a deep space or in a deep feeling. And so I think because they were witnessing me, like, being cognitive and able to talk, they thought I wasn't as deep in the journey. But I'm like, yo, I've had, like, yeah, psychedelics, hello. Medicine, hello. Like, I've I'm just a deep person. And it's I've just have experience with being in those those states and and also, like, being present. And, and so they, I guess, for some reason, were assuming that I wasn't as deep in the journey as I actually was. And, also, neither of them being midwives, like, being able to I mean, Morgana came, like, at the very end, like, right when I was about to give birth. And then a little bit in in my labor, she came to visit and then left and then was called upon again.
Speaker 3
I mean, tons of midwives try to predict it too and are often wrong. So what's even the point? I think the point you're making is so important, though. Like, stop participating in this notion of time and space when a woman's in labor because it's so irrelevant.
Speaker 1
Straight up. Yeah. Straight up. Yeah. Any douah or midwife out there, don't freaking tell the woman when she's gonna give birth because you don't know. You might think you know, but you don't freaking know. And she doesn't know, and that's okay. Like, we don't need to know.
Speaker 4
It's the point.
Speaker 1
Yeah. And oh my goodness. So that was that's some critical feedback I have. But it did get to a point where, yeah, because I remember my doula was like, yeah. You're gonna wanna be in a trance. I'm like, I'm pretty sure I'm in a trance, but I don't know. And and so anything that gets in the mind, so it's so much better. And I will say, like, she was amazing. Out she was playing the drum and just, like, really how I could feel her prayer and just feel her groundedness. And it was so nurturing for me just to look into her eyes and say, like, am I doing okay? And her being like, yes. You're doing great. Like, you're doing what you need to do. And just having, like, that focal point of somebody, a wise woman's eyes and just say her reflecting, like, yeah. You're on track and all. But something that I did learn was when you're at that point of, oh my gosh. I don't think I can do this. That's usually that you're breaking through that window of active labor and or whatever it's called when the baby's, like, crowning. And so another favorite Into transition. Yeah. In transition. Yeah. And so it got to that point, and I actually reached inside of my Yoni, and I felt my baby's head. And that was so empowering to just reach in and feel my baby's head inside of my vagina and be able to know, like, oh my god. Like, this is happening. Like, I'm so close to giving birth and and just feeling, like, so empowered and ready because I was at that point of I I don't know. I got really fucking tired. It's been, like, thirteen thirteen, fourteen hours. And, as soon as I reached in and felt, something switched because I I knew. And I the tub was pretty dirty because I just been in in and out all day. And so they started filling up the bathtub in the bathroom, but I wasn't having it. I was like, nope. This is happening. And I was squatting in the tub and me, I had my hand, like, his he was crowning and I had my hand over over his head crowning and, and my partner too. I was like, come, like, let's let's do this together. And at that point, I was so high and blasted into I mean, I was blasted open when I was giving birth at that point. And somewhere, somehow, I stood up and after pushing a few times and, you know, one thing the only thing I wish that was shared with me in that space that wasn't was, like, take your time. Like, slow down. Take your time. Don't rush this. Those words would have been very, very helpful because as soon as I got to that point, I was so ready to just push this baby out. Like, you're coming out of me, baby. And I was pushing really hard and I actually when I did when I did give birth when it when baby came, I actually did tear pretty bad and I think had I slowed down more and had had that guidance to just like, really slow it down slow it down, then maybe it wouldn't have your tore as bad. Who knows? So Yeah. I ended up baby was crowning a few solid pushes, and I remember feeling the sack. Like, the sack hadn't broken yet. And so baby was still in the sack. And I I never heard anything about the sack and was like, is this okay? I remember asking, it's like, is this I can feel the sack. Is that okay? And Morgana was like, oh, absolutely. Like, the baby can be born in the sack. I was like, oh, cool. And, and then at some point, I stood up and and then boom, it happened. And my partner was in front of me and then, Morgana was behind me and baby just started flying out. Baby's head came out and my partner was in front of me, like, with me present. And I was like, my baby, Morgana was behind and had her hand there and with the head and then Seth, like, quickly whipped around and then they they both caught him and the water broke right when he came out of me. And so he came out just totally clean and yeah. And I think because of that pressure of the the amniotic sac
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 1
As soon as he came out, it was literally, like, a couple seconds. Boom. He's out.
Speaker 3
That's awesome.
Speaker 1
Like, there was no yeah. There was no change this you have this on video? I have this on video. Oh my god. I got a seat. It's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. It's amazing. And
Speaker 3
So were you you were outside in that tub. Right?
Speaker 1
Yeah. I was standing up in the tub outside. Mhmm.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I'm remembering your photos.
Speaker 1
Yeah. And and I hear that a lot with women. The adrenaline just you stand up and boom, and that's such a good position because gravity is on your side. Mhmm. And I mean, as long as somebody's there or I mean, I was holding on to the tub, I think. So I wasn't or onto my knees. Like, I would I wasn't I wasn't ready to catch my baby. I mean, maybe if there weren't people around supporting me, I would have been yeah. I would have for sure.
Speaker 3
And, like, babies can fall too.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Into the water, and I'm sure it would have been fine. But Not ideal. Not ideal. Or my partner, I'm sure, would have, like yeah. But if I was alone, guaranteed, I was present enough. I could have not that there is no could or would or should, but Right. Yeah. I really do trust the birth process and, yeah, if there is a next time, I definitely wanna catch my own baby for sure. Yeah. But it was all perfect and awesome. And, like, literally, it was only a matter of seconds. They passed the babe through well, she passed the babe through my legs to Seth, and then Seth gave canoe to me. So there's only a couple seconds where babe wasn't, like, in my arms, and that was totally okay. And, I stepped out of the tub and sat down, just held my babe in in total awe. Like, oh my gosh. My beautiful child in my arms, and, I knew about the placenta and birthing the placenta. And I knew that it didn't have to happen immediately, that I had, like, a few minutes. Well, you have you have more than a few minutes. Yeah. Straight up. Yeah. I didn't even need to rush it. I didn't need to rush it. Honestly, I kind of I could've waited a little while longer, but I felt like while I was in that rush, it would've been easier to just birth it so that I didn't feel the pain Mhmm. Of, like because I did rip open pretty bad, and so I just out came the placenta. It was so beautiful seeing the placenta. Oh my gosh. And Well and that lets
Speaker 3
you know that it was ready to come. Like, if it's not coming, if if it's not ready, like, on your own accord, obviously, people can get it out and that's super violent. But, you know, if you are able to get it out, like, since it was detached and ready, which is awesome.
Speaker 1
Yeah. I just squatted and it came right out. It's like a tiny little push. And so, I mean, when that happens, oh my gosh. The whole it's a whole new world. Mhmm. And how yeah. Just feeling into that energy of holding our babe for the first time. And, oh, the photos are so beautiful that I look at.
Speaker 3
Beautiful. Your face is just so radiant.
Speaker 1
I can't even see anything else
Speaker 3
in that photo, but your smile, it's so sweet.
Speaker 1
Oh, I was so happy and so proud of myself to Yeah. To do that. Wow. Like, I just I just gave birth. Like, that's the hardest thing I ever did in my whole life, and I just did it. I made it to the other side. Like, I just walked that threshold and in my power and in my strength and in my trust and spirit and in my body and in this earth and my ancestors. And
Speaker 3
So how old is your kiddo now?
Speaker 1
He is, thirteen going on fourteen months.
Speaker 3
So how has it been? What was the first year of of motherhood like for you?
Speaker 1
Well, wow. It's amazing. It's so different. My life is so different now in the most beautiful way. I mean, every morning I wake up and I just I'm in love with my child. It's like Christmas. Somebody wrote I read a post the other day. My friend's like, every morning is like Christmas. And I really do feel that every morning waking up to his smiles. It's gold. It's it's the most beautiful thing. And, yeah, I mean, to speak directly, I do wanna speak to that postpartum window. I I had a meal train, immediately, so I had a lot of food coming from the community. And, my partner took a week off of work, which was not enough. But No. I mean, we had to pay our bills. So he went back to work after a week and but thankfully, my father came from Canada, and that was so beautiful. Like, oh my god. I hadn't seen him in a long time over a maybe a year or two. And, I'm really I am really close with my father. We have a really beautiful, beautiful connection. And, for him to, like, hold my baby, I'm oh my god. It was so powerful for me. And Aw. For him to, like, step into this nurturing role of cooking me food and cleaning up and, like, changing Canoe's diapers. And, like, here I am, like, naked and bleeding. And my dad is, like, getting my sitz bath ready.
Speaker 3
Oh my god. That's so sweet.
Speaker 1
I know. Just so precious and so, like, raw and vulnerable. And for him to just be, like, fully accepting and celebrating and open, like, so open and that's really, really beautiful. And Yeah. You know, and he bought us groceries and diapers. And so I was really blessed. And, like, my mom too is really, really supportive, but she actually got the flu right when Kanu was born. And it lasted for, like, two weeks. Oh, no. And so she wasn't really around for those first couple weeks, but Dang. Luckily, I had a lot of support and it was all good. Mhmm. Yeah. I'll always remember that sacred window, this forty days. I did my best to really honor that time and take it slow. And because I tore really bad, while I had a second degree tear, I I the doctor that I went to, I got a pregnancy test from, and I just down the road. She's a midwife and has been a midwife for many, many years, and she is such a beautiful, beautiful soul. She's an elderly woman, so gentle, and she actually ended up coming after the birth and, giving me stitches for my tear. And
Speaker 3
So why did you choose to do that? How what was that
Speaker 1
To do stitches?
Speaker 3
Yeah. Like that thought process. Like, how did you even know that you tore that bad? And tell me a little bit about that.
Speaker 1
Because Morgana, she took a photo and, like, showed me and she's like, yeah. Like, you tore really bad. And if you want, we can get Shannon Ray to come up and just check it out and see what she thinks. I'm like, yeah. Sure.
Speaker 3
Gotcha.
Speaker 1
And so she came and she told me, she's like, yeah. I mean, in in third in a country where you didn't have access to this support, I'm sure you'd be fine, but it is available, and I'm happy to do it for you. I mean, it was, like, nine o'clock at night when she came. And and, yeah, I just was, like, felt called to get the stitches, to help whatever way. And so I did. And, I mean, my Yoni is totally different now, like, inside and out Mhmm. Where the opening. And there is some scar tissue actually where the stitches are. And it doesn't bother me except for, like, when I I can feel the difference. But it is, like, really a process of, like, just fully accepting and, accepting, like, my new young. Mhmm.
Speaker 3
That's for sure. And it might you know, if you do have another child and and if you it it might be sometimes. It's not always the case, but sometimes you'll re tear where the stitches were. And then if you heal without sutures, you can kinda break through that scar tissue and reheal it. So it'll be interesting to see if that happens again. Might not.
Speaker 1
So, yeah, I got the stitches, and and that was all good. Part of me is like, oh, I probably could have just gone without stitches, but, you know, I did ask her again. She's like, no. I get I think it was a really good thing that you did. And because it was a pretty pretty it was a second degree, whatever that means. Like, it was almost all the way to my bum hole. Like, it was gnar. And it was hard. Those first those first I I couldn't really walk. I I could walk to do my sitz bath on the toilet and Yeah. But other than that, I really just needed to be on my back. And so it I think maybe it was a blessing in disguise because it really forced me to rest and stay in bed. Yeah. Allow people to serve me and help me and because I am a go getter and I like to do and go and
Speaker 3
Yeah. I mean, it's a good point. It's something I I think about a lot that tearing physiological tearing is actually highly adaptive, and there's a real it's very purposeful. You know? Like, we have such a a culture that's, like, says, like, you know, our yonis have to be a certain way and and that tearing is really scary and bad and and that it's that it's actually you know, it's framed as, like, it's an expression of an injury. But but I I really would I challenge that narrative because what we see in industrial birth is injury because there's directed pushing. Everyone is numb. They can't feel their body. You know, they're on their backs. They're not pushing with any instincts. You know, it's so so violent. And so those are not spontaneous tears. And obviously, most women are cut with with episiotomy scissors, which is so violent also. But
Speaker 1
god. Yeah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I tore pretty bad too. Yeah. It's interesting. But I remember going through the same thing of just like, okay. This is my new vagina. Like, it's different, and that's okay. And and any part of me that's kind of, like, feel scared about that is is really the parts of me that are that have been lied to about my body and about how to feel about my body. It was definitely definitely heady there for a couple days.
Speaker 1
Mhmm. Oh, yeah. I mean, I still it's been thirteen months, and I am in a process of really, like, reclaiming my sexuality and reconnecting with my vagina in a whole new way. It takes I think it requires time to just really get to know ourselves as as a as mother and to celebrate. Like, wow. Like, my I gave birth with this magical part of me, and it's different now because of it. And, like, finding a way to celebrate it and just cherish it. And, like, there's it's a beautiful thing because this it's signifying, like, I gave birth.
Speaker 3
Exactly. And we're we're
Speaker 1
allowed. Right.
Speaker 3
And we're allowed to change.
Speaker 1
Yeah. Absolutely.
Speaker 3
Right? Like, our yonis are allowed to change. Our stomachs are allowed to change. Like our skin is allowed to change. That's that's like such a, taboo concept in our culture, you know, that that Yeah. That we have these markers of motherhood. And really, it's the journey, right, to to love those markers and celebrate them and see them as just victory in our bodies, really.
Speaker 1
Absolutely. Well, thank you so much. Yeah. One I just wanted to touch on one more thing about the the placenta because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with the placenta, if I wanted to eat the placenta or encapsulate it or have a lotus birth. And Kuni was born with a really, really short cord. It's only, like, a foot and a half long. And so it was we wanted to do a lotus birth, but it was kind of really, really just impractical to to Mhmm. In the bed. Like, I was always scared I was gonna tug on his belly button. Yeah. So we ended up doing a partial lotus birth where the next I think it was, like, seventeen or sixteen hours, we left them attached. And then me and my partner had a ceremony where we, just burned the the cord once it was dried out. Mhmm. And, like, we each held one side and then burnt it. And and then I I was like, I'm gonna eat some of that. And my partner, he fried it up with butter, garlic, and brought it to me on a plate. Yeah. And, oh my gosh, it was so we saved half of it in the freezer and then the other half, I actually ate it up. And I fed some to my kitty, like a little piece. And, when it was raw at first, I did eat a chunk when it was raw, like, right away. And then, a little later, he cooked it up. And then, it was beautiful. We had a ceremony on the bed, and he ate some. I ate some, and my mom ate some, which was really potent. And and then, yeah, and then we saved it in the fridge, and it took about, like, ten months or eleven months down the road. We, or maybe it was a year down the road. We yeah. It was just like a month or two ago. We planted the placenta under a tree. Planted a tree with it. What was left of it? Yeah. Exactly. What your family hadn't eaten. Yeah.
Speaker 3
It's so sweet. No. It's so good. Ceremony and ritual and honoring, and it's just these are these are largely lost arts, you know, lost rituals of our of our times. Well, thank you so much. Such a beautiful story.
Speaker 1
Yeah. I'm so thankful to have this technology to be able to share because it helped me to listen to this podcast. I'm really thankful and sending so much love to everyone that gets to listen to this. Awesome.
Speaker 3
Thanks, girlfriend.
Speaker 1
Yes. Absolutely. And thank you, Emilee. So awesome that you're doing this. Such a beautiful service. Oh my goodness.
Speaker 3
And that's it for today, my sisters. Check out everything we do, including one on one and group coaching. Learn about our private membership, in person retreats, and more on free birth society dot com. Our online courses are on free birth society courses dot com, including our flagship course, the complete guide to free birth. Don't miss the radical birthkeeper school if you're ready to become the authentic midwife that women are searching for. Together we rise, and the revolution starts inside each of us. I'll leave you with our Free Birth Society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba Red.
Speaker 4
I honor you for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored. Eons upon light beams of survival, withstanding, the eradication of our power by design. I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth in captivity. The picket line redefined from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging our babes. Strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts, keep your needles. My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons, all your poison. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention. Death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back to the star.
Speaker 1
Wild woman, she still lives in Sahar. Wild woman, from you, I will not hide. They could not bend
