Speaker 0
Into the wild, I'm going into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home. Into the wild, I'm good. Into the wild, I'm here. It's been a while, freedom child, since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 1
Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative, we'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 0
It's been a wild freedom change.
Speaker 2
I am grateful to be bringing you the story of a wise woman with quite the story to tell. Shanika is from Jamaica, currently living in Atlanta, Georgia, and both a free birther and a radical birth keeper. She tells us of her first birth at seventeen in the hospital and then the tragic tale of her daughter's death three years later. And yet, in the loss of her daughter, Shanika had a true spiritual awakening and became the incredible woman that she is today. Shanika is a deep well of wisdom, and her story will surely inspire you to be your authentic self.
Speaker 3
I was born in Jamaica, and then I came to America when I was about six years old. So my parents, you know, had to make a a decision and a journey to come to somewhere totally new and trying to make life. So not a lot of people know this about me if they don't really know me, but my father was, like, a drug dealer. Like, his whole side of my father's family, like, aunts, and he had about twelve brothers and sisters. And maybe about two or three of them wasn't into that life, but the rest of them, that's what they did to survive. And, growing growing up in Philly, like, that was that was the culture of, like, being Jamaican and, you know, trying to find some autonomy and success monetarily. So that's what I grew up with. But then when I was about ten years old, my father built a house in Jamaica. We went back for two years, and I attended school there. And then my mom made the decision to come back to Philadelphia with my sister, and then my father went to England, you know, to live. So at that point, when I was twelve, it was a very pivotal time for me because I lost one parent, and my mom became a single mother, which really define, like, the rest of my my life. So
Speaker 2
So you went to Philly?
Speaker 3
Yeah. I grew up in Philadelphia. Okay. Yeah. So when I was, sixteen, my mother was actually pregnant with my little brother. So this was the winner of two thousand three. December. You know, my mom is pregnant. I'm at the hospital with her, you know, December thirteenth. And she goes into labor, and I'm there witnessing my first childbirth, my little brother, and I was literally, like, the first person to hold him. Mhmm. And that, like, rocked my world. Like, he's, like, you know, he's like my son now, and and we're still brothers and sisters because I'm actually old enough to be his mother. But the the nurse that was there made a joke. She was like, well, this is a great form of birth control. But what she didn't know is that about that time, I was already about one month pregnant. Like, I just found out, like, I was pregnant and I was, witnessing this.
Speaker 2
Wait. Did you know you were pregnant at the birth?
Speaker 3
At the birth. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Wow. And did your mother know? No. Okay. So you and your mother were pregnant at the same time barely by, like, one cycle. Yeah. Wow. So you had just found out.
Speaker 3
Yeah. My brother was born December two thousand three, and then I had my daughter eight months later. And I turned seventeen. She was born, August the fourth two thousand four. So that was, like, my whole introduction to birthing. You know, never really gave it much thought before that. But, yeah, I had a hospital birth. You know, I was seventeen years old, and there wasn't, like, a lot of information or education about birth. You know, I'm still, like, in the last year of my high school year and, you know, just having fun. Happened to get pregnant and, you know, there wasn't, like, oh, let me read a book or let me do this or that. I just kinda went with the process and, like, my aunt who lived in Florida supported me, you know, just talking to me and things like that. So it was actually, like, talking to her while I was, like, feeling labor. And I was, like, went to the bathroom, and I wiped myself. And I was like, this is this looks like mucus. She's like, oh, yeah. You're getting close. You need to go to the hospital now. And with that knowledge, I went and, like, I had my baby, like, instantly. Like, soon as they brought me up to the hospital room, she came right out. Woah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Man, burning at seventeen. That's the that's one of the most amazing benefits. Wow. Okay. So you just had, like, a a couple hour
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Labor. What was your experience like in the hospital?
Speaker 3
Well, for one, I was alone. Like, the father wasn't there. Like, a friend of mine picked me up and dropped me off. I think my mom might have been at work, so I was the only one there.
Speaker 2
Wow.
Speaker 3
Had a bit myself and, you know, different people coming in and out and things like that. Overall, I didn't have, like, a traumatic birth, but my daughter, did, have morconium. And she was, like, basically in the ICU for maybe about two weeks.
Speaker 2
Woah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Because she ingested it, and they had to put on antibiotics and all that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2
Okay.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So besides that, there wasn't any trauma or anything. You know, I wasn't there long enough for anything to happen. So God I thank God that she came right out. Mhmm. And then after that, you know, time went on. Fast forward three years later, this time, you know, I was working, had my own place, but I was a single mother because her father wasn't there. And he was a much older guy, but he wasn't there. And, you know, doing everything on my own and everything, and, you know, life tragedy struck. My daughter passed away. She was with my, little sister and their friends. You know, they kinda like just take kids hanging out. But where I live in Southwest Philly, there's this Schuylkill River, and there was this kinda like pier. It was like a flat pier. It didn't have any, like, railings or anything to stop you from basically jumping in the water. So what I was told is that my little brother and my and my daughter, they were, like they had rocks, and they were throwing rocks in the water. And it's kinda like she went forward with the momentum of throwing the rock and fell in.
Speaker 2
Oh my god.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Into a river?
Speaker 3
Into a river. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2
And drowned.
Speaker 3
She drowned. Holy fuck. Yeah. Woah. So that was, like, monumental period in my life. Oh, wow. When I was, I wanna say I was, like, twenty. Yeah. I was twenty when she passed away. You know? So I was really young and trying to find myself, but that experience really pushed me. I don't know if it's like the dark night of the soul, but it really made me started questioning life and thinking on on such a more deeper level for, like, meaning and what reality is.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
Wow. So for for certain ways, you know, like, I I experienced so much growth. There's definitely grieving, but, you know, I always say that experience makes or breaks you. You know, you can become more pessimistic. You can become depressed. You know, there's cycles and phases. Mhmm. Hopefully, you don't stay in that energy of being stuck and depressed. But for me, it really made me, like, tune into spirit more and connect with, like, my higher self and who I am because, I mean, I remember the experience of, like, them taking her to the hospital, and then, you know, they put I don't know if they do this all the time, but they put her in a room. And I had the opportunity to kinda, like, go in there and, you know, hold her. Mhmm. So when I went in there and, like, I was holding her, and I just had a realization, like, whatever that animated her and gave her life wasn't there anymore. And it was, like, a wake up call. Like, wait. We're not this body. There was something more that created that spark and that energy. Mhmm. And then with that under was kinda like, I woke up. Wow. I was able to, like, not necessarily, like, just be in grief. Yeah. I don't know. I've that made me become spiritual.
Speaker 2
Yeah. No. I hear you. I think that that is a very shared experience, you know, to unite with death and know death and contend with death. And obviously, we're in a culture that's walking around pretending like it doesn't exist. And then when something so, so completely unexpected just breaks open your world. Yeah. It's such a opportunity for that. Oh, I'm just, my daughter's almost three, and I'm just imagining. Yeah. I hope I'd be able to handle it that that gracefully.
Speaker 3
You know, our children come through us. Mhmm. They don't belong to us. And, you know, we can't control everything. We can't control when we die. You know, we can't even control birth. We try to prepare for it the best that we can, but you have to surrender at some point to the experience. So that's, like, a big takeaway for me in that experience. So when she passed away, it was, October, two thousand and seven. And around that time, I met my my now oldest child. I met her father. And, you know, he was there for me, like, in the grieving process and, you know, just there as a support because he was, like, a person very active in the community and teaching and things like that. So I I met him and, like, things went really fast. So that was the October. In the December, me and him, like, were a couple and we moved in and, you know, my birthday was December twenty fourth, and he's buying me gifts and stuff. And then I, like, got pregnant right away. Like, at the end of January, I realized that I was pregnant. And interestingly enough, I knew the moment conception happened because I I felt a spark in my pineal gland, And there was this, like, electric impulse that went down to my womb, and I was like, oh my god. I'm pregnant. Yeah. It's crazy. So I got pregnant with her right away. And then, you know, between that time frame, I, like, you know, connected with my mom more and talked to her. And I really wanted to know about my own birth story. And, you know, I was born in Jamaica in, Jubilee Hospital. And back, you know, in the eighties, it it wasn't great. You know, now it's still not great, but back then, it was a lot worser. So, she told me about, like, being alone, being drugged, and not fully remembering what happened, And then waking up, like, hours later, and I wasn't there and, you know, like, just being separated from me through that process. So she really didn't fully remember my birth. You know? It was vaginal birth, but she couldn't tell me if they used forceps or what happened because they drugged her. Mhmm. So, you know, from that experience, I was just like, well, I wanna create something different. Like, I didn't know, like, the concept of free birthing wasn't really a thing back then, and I've never really heard about it. But I knew that, like, you know, natural or home birth didn't exist. You know, this is something that very much outside of my lineage, like, my my direct lineage. My mother, my grandmother, you know, they were hospital births. So there wasn't a direct connection to, like, oh, yeah. My my aunt did this or someone did this. Let me do it.
Speaker 2
And I keep I keep thinking that with your first daughter, you were also alone and then separated from her. Yeah. You weren't you weren't drugged, thankfully.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
But that you you saying you wanted to create something different is just so powerful because it's like, you know, that that you you kind of did repeat a similar birth story unconsciously. Right? Like, it's just what you do. And then in her death and in this new life, there's this whole shift of consciousness.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. And it was like, you know, another chance. Mhmm. Because with her, I wasn't aware of anything. I didn't breastfeed. I didn't have anyone, like, oh, you should do this or, you know, any support about anything. So, you know, my now oldest daughter, Arashana, it was just kinda like, you know, I don't wanna say a way to do it right, but to do do something that maybe I didn't know that I wanted, but it was in me.
Speaker 2
It was right for you.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
And it is biologically right.
Speaker 3
Right. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2
You know? So so quick question. Did your mother breastfeed you? Do you know?
Speaker 3
She did a little bit.
Speaker 2
Okay.
Speaker 3
Because even back then, it was, like, kinda, like, stigmatized. There were some things about breastfeeding and relating to sex and the, culture in Jamaica. It was just kinda, like, sometimes like a status thing. Like, if you can afford, like, formula and feed your baby, you know, it's it seems better.
Speaker 2
Oh, bonkers. And so what what was in terms of you not nursing? Well, your I mean, your daughter was in the NICU for two weeks. Of course, you didn't. Yeah. Okay. Got it. Got it. Okay. So you're gonna create something different, but you've never really been shown these options. And so how does this idea of free birth, like, present itself into your psyche?
Speaker 3
I wanna say it was totally spiritual because, like, going through the death of my daughter, like, I started to do a lot of, like, yoga. Like, literally, like, I went to yoga every day. I started doing Bikram yoga, so that was my therapy. And I started meditating and just reading books and really, like, connecting to my higher self more. And, like, these ideas just came to me, like, oh, I can have a home birth. And then I I, like, interviewed a midwife, and I I just didn't vibe with her. And, like, Spirit was just like, well, you can do it on your own. And I get you know, presented the idea to their father, and he was like, yeah. You know, he was already, like, a revolutionary.
Speaker 2
Nice.
Speaker 3
In the way that he thinks and lives, and he was like, oh, yeah. Let's do it. So once I had that support of, you know, the father, it made everything easier. Mhmm. And, you know, I did tell, like, my mother, and she was freaking out. And
Speaker 2
I bet.
Speaker 3
Yeah. To the point where, like, I had her, like, at five twelve AM on a Saturday morning. And then a couple hours later, the ambulance showed up. Oh, shit.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Your mom called?
Speaker 3
And I feel like my mom called. She was worried and, yeah, ambulance showed up and, you know, the he was like the father was like, oh, yeah. They're fine. And he bought the, like, the per the EMT to come and look at us, and he was like, yeah. They're fine. And they just left. They were like, yeah. Everything's fine. Yeah. I had a wild pregnancy. I didn't go to any doctor's appointments. I actually went to one doctor appointment, and that was more, logistically when I thought about, like, getting a birth certificate and having proof that I was pregnant. Mhmm. So I had that guidance to just go to one, you know, have that documented that I was pregnant and everything's okay. But other than that, I just, you know, winged it, really. I ate healthy. I really walked a lot and exercise you know, just walked. You know, I wasn't working and I had a lot of time, so that's what I did was walking. But everything went great. You know, like, I I didn't have a lot of knowledge about birth or anything, but I trusted the process. You know, I felt supported. I knew that my body could do it. You know, I had one prior experience of having a baby, and it went went great. So I was like, okay. Why not? Mhmm. So, yeah, everything went, it was an amazing birth.
Speaker 2
What do you remember of
Speaker 3
it? I remember, like, it was, like, Friday night, and I started having contractions, like, around eleven PM. And I was like, oh my god. I think this is it. And I remember, like, she was, like, you know, overdue. So my mom was already worried, but I was like, No, everything's fine. The baby will come when she's ready. But I I remember going into labor at around twelve o'clock, twelve PM, and, you know, everything just unfolded beautifully. Like, I had, music on, created this ambiance, candles, and, you know, just kinda went with the process of what my body wanted. You know, I sat on the toilet and labored. And one thing I really loved was, like, getting in the shower and laboring with the water just flowing on me. And then, you know, a couple hours later, I'm on my hands and knees, and that's how I birth her. Mhmm. And, her father, you know, caught her and then, you know, slid her on through my legs, and I back with her.
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So it was a beautiful experience, and really just made me, like, trust birth even more. Like, this is how it's supposed to be. It can happen naturally without doctors, without intervention, and, you know, the the same environment that created the baby birthed the baby. It was me and him. We were it was dark. We were making love. It was that same ambiance that we gave birth into. Mhmm. Yeah. And I really, yeah, broke a cycle of having my baby, being fully present and conscious and having that bond, like, from the moment of birth.
Speaker 2
It's such a big deal. And then did you breastfeed this baby?
Speaker 3
Yeah. I breastfed. Yeah. You know, and I had to figure that out myself. Like Right. You know, cracked nipples, misguided, all of that. No. Like, even, like, wrenching pain. Oh. That was, like, the worst. But, you know, I figured it out. Mhmm. And after I had, Arashana, I it just made me more interested in birth, and I found out, like, there's a thing called doulas. And then I took a doula training and, you know, really just contemplated, like, well, how can I do this? How can I support women in birth? So after I took that doula training, I started to attend births.
Speaker 2
Okay. And so
Speaker 3
wanted to become a midwife.
Speaker 2
You knew that pretty early on?
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
How many years apart are your two daughters?
Speaker 3
They are about two years apart.
Speaker 2
Okay. So in between those two, you take the dual training and you start going to birth? Mhmm. Okay. So you're you have a baby and then soon you're pregnant, but you're going to birth?
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. That's intense. Well, I have my fam my mom around, my little sister around in Philadelphia.
Speaker 2
Okay. Oh, this was all in Philly. I keep forgetting that. Yeah. That you're newer to Georgia.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. And actually where I lived, where I actually gave birth, I was I grew up on that street for, like, a few years. So my mom was literally, like, four miles down the street.
Speaker 2
Woah. Oh, that's awesome. Okay. So then yeah, just take us into into your next pregnancy.
Speaker 3
Well, Yarae, yeah, I got pregnant with her. You know, I know I wanted the same thing. It was, like, obvious. So, yeah, pretty much wasn't much different. Like, at that point, I actually was in Florida for quite a bit because I had family there. And when it came time, you know, close time to birth, I was like, okay, it's just me and my daughter here. I don't know who would support me in having a home birth, you know, so I made this the decision to go back to Philadelphia and birth her. And pretty similarly, like, I remember going into labor, you know actually, I had contractions with her, like, the night before, and then they stopped. So I was like, okay. It's coming on. Then the next day, I go into labor in the afternoon. And, you know, still pretty active because I was like I remember there's this health food store in Philadelphia called Essene's. So I was staying at my mom's in Southwest. I went to South Philly, go to Essene's, get some food. I got some, like, raw juices. And I'm in the, the store like this and rocking. And they're like, are you okay? I'm yeah. I'm just an early laborer. Cute. Yeah. So that was, like, really great. I got my juice, and then I their dad's house. And at this point, like still
Speaker 2
with the dad at this point?
Speaker 3
Kinda, sort of. Okay. Like, when I when I met him, he was already with someone, but he was, like, Muslim and polyamorous. So, you know, she was there in the house. You know, I knew that I had to birth you know, I had to birth there. I didn't have anywhere else to birth. So, I went upstairs with the dad and, you know, labored. And, you know, a hour later, she was born. Same position, hands and knees. Came right out.
Speaker 2
Wow.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So, you know, I'm very blessed to, like, have I don't wanna say easy births, but pretty good labors and pretty good births. I feel like a lot of that is because I trust the process Oh, yeah. And I just surrender to it.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Just get it done. Wow. Okay. So she comes out. You're in the father's home who's partnered and the woman is there. That's true. That's true. But was she loving to you? I mean
Speaker 3
No. Okay. She's okay. So, usually, me and her were pregnant at the same time.
Speaker 2
Oh my gosh.
Speaker 3
That is so intense. Same time, but she attempted to have a home birth, but it didn't work and she had to be untransferred. Aw. You know? So there was always this, like, kinda like competition that she had with me. Like, you know, I I I have to do it like her or I need to have a home birth and all that. So it didn't, you know, happen for her, and she ended up being transferred. And I I, you know, I I would guess that it was probably pretty, like, triggering to have me, the other woman upstairs. Wow. Yeah. So, you know, I gave birth. I stayed there overnight, and then I went back to my mom's. Like, you know, we didn't officially break it off, but I just left to have distance from the situation and the other woman. Mhmm. And then when my daughter was about three months, I officially, like, broke it off with him and moved to my own place and did all of that. You know? But in that time frame, I was still attending births, not as much because I made the decision that I wanted to be fully present for them. So the good thing about that father, you know, he was very supportive where I didn't have to, like, worry about going back to work. Mhmm. I could just mother. So that's what I did and, you know, continued studying and, you know, going to births when I could. Mhmm. Then Ananda I met Ananda's dad. This was two thousand fourteen. Yeah. Wow. Two thousand fourteen. This is after after I had my second Yare. I actually moved away to New Mexico. And then after I came back to Philadelphia, I met Ananda's father. And, with him for a little while. And, yeah, after I got pregnant, the December, I remember having this dream. I dreamed about Boulder, Colorado. I remember the dream, like, I was in this luscious garden, and I just remember the voice, like, this is Boulder, Colorado. This is where it's at the beach. Wow. Wow. Yeah. So I ended up moving to Boulder, Colorado, You know, like, middle of my pregnancy, like, bye. I left him in Philadelphia and moved to Boulder, Colorado. Yeah. I had her there.
Speaker 2
And you did you bring your older girls?
Speaker 3
Yeah. It was just me and my older girl my two other girls and me in Boulder, Colorado, in my big belly. You know, didn't know anyone. I think I'm I knew one person. I met this one guy, at this yoga retreat, and he connected me with the woman that he was with, and that's where I initially stayed when I went there in, Denver, and then I ended up in Boulder. And then I found this midwife. You know, I know I wanted to have a home birth again, unassisted. But as such, it was just me and my daughter, so I wanted to have another person there to support me.
Speaker 2
Of course. Yeah.
Speaker 3
You know? So I I found this midwife.
Speaker 2
Do you birth at the place that you got connected to through the one friend?
Speaker 3
No. Actually, like, we were literally homeless because we're trying to find, like, housing in Boulder, which is, like, super expensive. Mhmm. Ended up in this kinda, like, temporary shelter and where you have, like, your own apartment and everything. And I had my baby there, which would would have been, like, totally against any rules that they had. But, yeah, I literally, they brought me the birth pool, and we set it up and everything, had it ready. And I had her right there. And the people, they still don't know to this day. They at all and then came back. Right. Totally. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Wow. Okay. So tell us about that birth.
Speaker 3
Well, that birth oh, that like, I started having contractions the night before. Like, all night, it would just be very, like, sporadic and random. I'm sleeping, and then I'm like I wake up like, Oh, something's going on here. But all night, all night. And it was like my body was just gently doing the work and preparing me. And I love that because the next day, you know, things started to ramp up more. I took my girls to summer camp, and then I picked them back up at about three thirty. This point, you know, I'm in pretty much, like, labor's going. So, you know, I still am able to drive, keep my shit together, drive, pick them up, go to the health food store again, like this and pick up a few things and then go back in the house. And, midwife comes. She had, like, her name was Amanda. She had, like, a doula. Her support come with her and yeah. Then, we set up the pool and it's just so beautiful because my two daughters were in the pool with me while I was laboring. Aww. And then right before I had her, they got out. But, the it was by far, like, my other births were easy, but this by far was the easiest easiest birth. Like, my body did all the work. And, like, when I was, you know, about to push, you know, she was like, you can basically, like, see see her head before I even pushed.
Speaker 2
Woah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Like, my body did all the work and brought her down. Like, I probably pushed, like, two or three times. Then when she was born, they went outside. And I remember Amanda being like, there's, like, double rainbows outside. Yeah. And then my girl went outside and seen it, like, that was, like, her birthing.
Speaker 2
So did you ever feel pain in that birth?
Speaker 3
No. I wouldn't even say pain. You know, like, you know, there's a ring of fire. Yes. But the it wasn't painful like how women might describe birth as being painful. Mhmm. Yeah.
Speaker 2
And tell us more about what it felt like to have an authentic midwife hold space for you. And, you know, like we were talking about before we started recording that it's such a beautiful story that you had these two free births and you felt well supported by the father of of these children. And then you find yourself in a new situation without that. And you were able to manifest an authentic midwife, and I love that I actually know her because I I know who she is and how she midwives, and I I really get what you mean now. You know, who who intentionally chooses to not be licensed, you know, and and restricted and who is just so devoted to to serving, you know? And and anyway, so, yeah, that's just tell me about that, because it is a bit unique, right, that you have these two free births and then and then choose a midwife. And I think this is such a good example of a story of like what we want to be possible for so many women, for all women, you know, who want it to be able to find a midwife who is loyal to the mother, you know. And and so yeah. How was that after these two free births outside the system with a man and then you had to have this woman come into your life and and and another I guess, sounds like a doula was there too. And how did that feel?
Speaker 3
I mean, it felt so divine, like, to find her and for her to be everything that I wanted. Like, I told her, like, you know, I don't wanna say I'm a pro at this, but I'm a pro at this. You know, I was like, I had two unassisted births already. You know, I've given birth three times. I'm pretty confident in the process. I don't want a lot of intervention. You know? I don't even want much prenatal care. And she was like, well, yeah. Whatever you want, that's what you're gonna get. And she, like, totally respected and honored, like, all of my wishes. Yeah. And was still there to, like, give me support in any way that I wanted. So to know that, like, midwives, like, that exists really inspires me because, like, that's how I wanna be for women. Exactly. I wanna have, like, the knowledge and skill to support a woman if, you know, she wants that more hands on support, but also to be able to just let go and women birth the way that they wanna birth.
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
It's so important. And, yeah, we just need more midwives like that because I know midwives that are like, oh, unassisted births are dangerous. You know, don't don't do that. Mhmm. A lot of women choose that because they should feel like that's their only option. You know, if you're a black woman, the hospitals are very much biased and racist towards you. So a lot of women who are, you know, more radical in the way they live, they choose to birth outside of that system. And sometimes that looks like not having support, not having family because they're like Right. They're conditioned to say that you need to be in a hospital. This is a medical emergency. What if you die? No. I I I'm I I so much believe in spirit and the spiritual world, the cocreating and helping you. And this is why it's important to, like, know what you want and be intentional. Mhmm.
Speaker 2
You
Speaker 3
know? And, really, like, if this is what you want, say it and stick with it.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 3
You know? Don't compromise on what you believe what you believe or what you want because someone's telling you that, oh, you can't have it or it can't be like that. That's bullshit. Mhmm. Yeah.
Speaker 2
And be willing to have it. Right? Like, you you have such a willingness and a courage to lean into the mystery and to not know what it's gonna look like. Right? I mean, so now you and I become friends, so I'm familiar with with, you know, you at this stage of your life to where you're still absolutely doing it in such a graceful, beautiful, exciting way. And, you know, that you had a dream and you just were like, let's go. Let's go feel it out because this is what I'm calling in and this is what I'm open to having, which I think is a there's a distinction to be made there because lots of people sit around talking about what they want. But I wouldn't say a lot of people are super willing to have it and to to to lean into the unknown or the mystery of how it's going to happen. Right. And so your willingness to follow this dream and just open up to it allows for all of that flow and magic to come in instead of just sitting on your couch at home talking about it, not doing anything to kind of open up that that mystery. Right? Like, the box, like Pandora's box or the magic that is for you and coming for you. Yeah.
Speaker 3
And that that's a great point, and I do wanna talk about that. Like, I feel like once you've shifted your consciousness into another reality that you're not just this body, you're not just this life, you know, why not live it to the fullest and not just sit in fear of what might happen and what might never happen? Mhmm. You know? And this is how, like, I strive to live my life, like, authentically, like, doing what brings me joy, and not necessarily knowing what's gonna come, but trusting. Mhmm. Like, I've lived in many different states, like, with my girls, and it's just, like, trusting spirit. Like, oh, this is what I wanna do. I'm gonna do it. And not necessarily thinking about the limitations or what could go wrong or what can happen, but setting the intention to, for one, like, connecting what what brings you joy and pursuing that.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And and and it's like authentic birth and authentic living goes hand in hand. And I feel like a lot of women might you know, birth is that initiation to be your authentic self. A lot of women, you know, have a hospital birth, and it's shitty. They're they're traumatized, but it becomes a gateway and a window for healing and for them to tap into their power and to fully lean into it.
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
It could become that. Yeah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2
I mean, and that's true for all of life's experiences. Right? I mean, the way you spoke about, you know, your your first daughter passing and you could have easily taken on a life is horrible and against me and bad things happen to me and this is so personal and and you chose not to take that on. You know, it's it's it's really powerful, and that's not that's not the mainstream way of existing, right, in in today's culture.
Speaker 3
I do.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I appreciate you sharing all of that. So so then what happens? So then you you now have your your little baby in in Boulder, and and what happens next?
Speaker 3
Well, we're in Boulder for, we stayed there for a year. You know? Ultimately, we left because, like, it was very nondiverse in Boulder.
Speaker 2
Yeah. For sure.
Speaker 3
I grew up in a very, like, cultural rich area. I'm Jamaican, and then I'm in Philadelphia, which is like a melting pot. Mhmm. So we end up going back to Philadelphia to my mother and my family to have that support and everything. And then, you know, coming back to Philadelphia, I'm on the road again. Since then, like, I've always known that I wanted to live in an ecovillage and be a midwife. So I'm I started researching and looking at different, eco villages around the United States. And I visited, Ithaca Eco Village, like, this summer before I actually moved. And, it was lovely, but and I was gonna move there, but then thinking about, like, the cold ass winters and all of the I was like, no.
Speaker 2
I feel you. Yeah. There's, like, so many amazing things happening in places with really cold winters. I'm like, I'll catch you on the summer.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Totally. But then, you know, I had researched the farm years prior when I was, like, looking into permaculture and looking at sustainability. And, like, I was like, oh, the farm. That makes sense. So I started, you know, talking to them and emailing them, like, the December this is December two thousand and eighteen.
Speaker 2
Also also not super known for its racial diversity.
Speaker 3
Not at all. We there became a diversity.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I was gonna ask that. So you did go there and you lived there for how long?
Speaker 3
Year. A year? Yeah.
Speaker 2
And were you the only black family there?
Speaker 3
Yeah. We're only black.
Speaker 2
Okay. So how was that experience?
Speaker 3
Beautiful place. Like, the land is amazing. Some great people. Mhmm. You know, but still, you know, Norm is there, spiritual midwifery.
Speaker 2
And Ina is not not even there.
Speaker 3
He's not there. Yeah. So
Speaker 2
So what was your role? What were you doing there exactly?
Speaker 3
I was just living there. I went there to see if I can pursue midwifery and get training there. However, it didn't work out that way. Like, a lot of the women, they were I don't know if I wanna say, like, a part of the patriarchy, but they were like, a lot of the midwives that are there were from the seventies. They're from a totally different era, and, you know, they just have another way of thinking.
Speaker 2
And they're all medicalized.
Speaker 3
Yeah. They're all medicalized because they're, like, unarmed and all of those, you know, all those standards that they uphold, it's all medicalized. So that really didn't jive with me. And then, you know, I was told that they serve a lot of the Amish people, and they don't like black people, so I wouldn't attend a lot of births. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. Well, I'm not staying here. Hell no. And I decided to, like, leave. Like Yeah. Like that. And I really got a decision.
Speaker 2
So you did a year there, but didn't really find the open door for birth apprenticeship or or whatever. And they just openly told you, like, the the communities they serve are racist.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Wow. And then, you know, the college, college of traditional middlewifery is there. You know, I reached out to them because, you know, I'm a single mom. I'm there living paying rent to live there. There's not a lot of work opportunities. So I'm like, you know, I I came here to study midway free, but I I can't afford your school. Mhmm. Like, I see that the majority of the population that comes to your school are white women that are either they have family money, their family are funding their education, or they have a husband and they don't have to work, and they can just do whatever they want. And I'm like, that's not my case. Can you guys help me? And they offered no support or assistance. And that's when I was like, that's the last straw.
Speaker 2
I guess just I I wanna hear kind of take us up into current of, you know, with what is obviously, you took our school recently, and and I would just love to hear you speak on, like, where you are in your journey of becoming a midwife and and kind of just figuring this out in any yeah. Any, like, words of wisdom to share for for other women and and just where, yeah, where you are with all of this now.
Speaker 3
Well, while I was at the farm, I met another midwife that lives in Atlanta and, Karina. And then I met Salaam, which was, like, the one of the only black midwives that were on the farm with them in the seventies. And even today, she's, you know, there sometimes. They're both in Atlanta. So I connected with them, and, you know, I came here and started to go to births, you know, with that, home birth midwife. You know, however, I started to see some of the the fear the fear model coming in, and that really made me really started to rethink how I wanted to practice midwifery. Mhmm. So that really changed my trajectory. Like, I'm still trying to figure it out. Like, a part of me wants to, you know, have the CPM status so that I could, you know, possibly live in a state where that I can get paid through insurance and serve, you know, people of color and families that might not be able to pay right out of pocket. Mhmm. You know? But then the other part of me is, like, totally radical and just wants to do this work and support women and families in the way they wanna birth. Mhmm. And a large percentage of that is outside the system. Yeah. So right now, I'm here. I took the school, and I love it all. And my goal is to really, really grow my business here in Atlanta. I really love it here because there's a diversity. There's a large black population. There's so many different colors here. And I see it as an opportunity, you know, with the all the things that I love to do to really bring this, you know, to Atlanta. Mhmm. You know, I mean, like, primitive scales and nature connection and bringing all those things together to support families in an authentic way is my vision. Yeah. You know, I view life and experiences as as being blessings and lessons, even the hardship that I don't want. You know what I mean? So, you know, even with death, what was the blessing? What was the lesson? Everything I look at like that, bad and good. There's some there's something that wisdom you can gain from that experience to move forward into your life in a better way. So that's what I wanna leave everyone with, you know. Be intentional. Look at what you wanna create, how you want your life. Are the people and things that are currently in your circle and your cipher in alignment with that? And if it's not, do some shifting. Right. Yeah. Yep.
Speaker 2
Well, this was really lovely to learn more about about your story, and I've so valued the friendship I found in you this year. And, yeah, just thank you for your time and and your willingness to share all your lessons and blessings.
Speaker 3
Well, thank you for having me on. It was definitely something I've been wanting to just share with the world more, and I look forward to doing it more and maybe inspiring others to live more authentically and birth how to live birth. Mhmm. Beautiful.
Speaker 2
And that's it for today, my sisters. Check out everything we do, including one on one and group coaching. Learn about our private membership, in person retreats, and more on free birth society dot com. Our online courses are on free birth society courses dot com, including our flagship course, The Complete Guide to Free Birth. Don't miss the Radical Birthkeeper School if you're ready to become the authentic midwife that women are searching for. Together we rise, and the revolution starts inside each of us. Our opening song is by Shyla Rae. And now, I'll leave you with our Free Birth Society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba Red.
Speaker 4
I honor you for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. Magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored, eons upon light beams of survival, withstanding the eradication of our power by design. I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth in captivity. The picket line redefined from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging out babes. Strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts, keep your needles. My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons all your poison. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention. Death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back from the star. Wild woman, she still lives inside. Wild woman, from you, I will not hide.
