Speaker 0
Into the wild, I'm going into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home. Into the wild I'm good. Into the wild I am. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 1
Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative. We'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 0
It's been a wild freedom change since I've left my rules back home.
Speaker 2
If you're like most of my listeners, you are devouring these episodes, fascinated by the women's stories and wondering if you could do this too. Do you wish that you had a step by step strategy for how to actually plan and manifest your free birth? Our complete guide to free birth is the number one course for free birth, and we made it for women just like you. It's a self guided online intensive course that will teach you everything we think you need to know about how to birth freely and in your power. We'll take you all the way from unpacking industrial care to what DIY prenatal care looks like, how to pick and prep your support team, what to expect, look out for, and how to shift when more support could be needed. Yes. We'll cover the what ifs, how to prevent complications, and how to orient your entire life towards a powerful birth. So head on over to free birth society courses dot com now and take the first step towards the birth of your dreams. Tati had been attending women as a doula, first in her homeland of Brazil and then in Germany. When she herself got pregnant, she could no longer stand to witness the abuse in the medical system system and spent her pregnancy and birth unwinding from the traumas she had seen. She chose free birth, held by her friends and partner. Tati's birth of her daughter was a medicine ceremony, complete with reverence, prayer, and song, all ending in the integration of a beautiful mother and woman.
Speaker 3
Welcome, my friend.
Speaker 4
Yeah. Thank you. I'm super happy to be here.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I'm happy to have you here too. And, you know, I knew when when I was working with you and when you sent me your beautiful birth story in the video, I was like, oh, I cannot wait to have her on season six and just share you, you know, with everyone who listens to this and your adorable husband. And I just love your story so much, and I loved your your grace that you carried into your first birth. It's just so inspiring. So I'm really happy to have you here to, yeah, inspire all of us.
Speaker 4
Thank you. Yeah. I'm very excited. I, yeah, I can't wait to tell my story. And when I was listening to all the stories and the podcast, I was like a lot of women imagining that one day I could be here. So it's
Speaker 3
That's so cute. I know. It's the best. So take us to wherever you wanna start.
Speaker 4
Yeah. It was my first birth. My fur it is my first baby, my first daughter, but I always wanted to be a mom. And, actually, I think that I I became a doula because of this wish of being a mother, but I couldn't somehow. Back in Brazil I'm Brazilian. I live in Germany right now. And back in Brazil, I never could imagine having a baby in in a relationship that I that I didn't trust that, I don't know, that my partner would be really with me together, and I never felt like it was the moment. So the doula calling was kind of something like my my womb calling me to to be a mother, and I couldn't handle it. So I was diving to birth and yeah. But, actually, after that was back in two thousand fifteen. And when I when I started work working as a doula, my grandmother and my mother finally told me they never told me before that my great grandmother was a part of a midwife.
Speaker 3
That's cool.
Speaker 4
Yeah. That was really, like, wow. And I didn't meet my my great grandmother, so that was super special for me. Yeah. And, also, I think there is something about, the birth story of my brother, my youngest brother from another marriage of my mother. He has, brain palsy. It was caused by error, medical error. Oh my god. Yeah. Supermedicalized birth, c session, like planned c session. The my mother started the labor. Her body asked for the labor and started with eight months of pregnancy, and they decided somehow without making exams, like, with the amniotic fluid, for example, that they should that the my my little brother should wait. So they gave medications for the birth stop, but he was already, like, suffering, and he needed to come. So that's what happened. And I think and when he was born, I was twelve. I think everything together was inside of me bubbling somehow until I got into this point of choosing a free birth, of working as a, with birth, with birth education, and then finally, like, choose this path. How many births had you attended before yours? Oh, twenty five. Mhmm.
Speaker 3
And were they mostly in Brazil or or Germany or both?
Speaker 4
Mostly in Germany. I was Okay. Dula before, but I was I I'm a psychologist. I was working mainly as a psychologist in in Brazil. And then in Germany, I was working mainly as a doula. Mhmm.
Speaker 3
And so, I mean, that's a big deal, right, that you get to see what it's like if you didn't choose rebirth. Exactly.
Speaker 4
Yeah. So this part also, I was telling, like, a lot of stories before, like, before I even, became a doula. But after afterwards, here in Germany, mainly, I accompanied so many women in their birth and traumas also. That was super hard for me. Even in my pregnancy, I I didn't plan well. Like, if I could do something different, I would do that because I'm, in my pregnancy, I just thought that I could work until six months. I could work, I don't know, like, seven months of pregnancy. And as a doula, my agenda was full, I don't know, like, many months before. So, yeah, so I plan I didn't plan ahead that I really wanted this rest period for me, and I didn't plan ahead that maybe I would leave again birth traumas because all the births that I choose to work were were home births. But they were home births with people from the system, and that was extremely hard for me. I'm yeah. In the beginning of the pregnancy, I I lived a, really horrible experience, and then I was like, okay. I cannot do that because my body was I couldn't leave birth traumas being pregnant. That was so hard for me. And then, this year was, the last year of this really strict COVID time. And to be honest, I I was thankful because I couldn't go accompany people during
Speaker 3
Right. Yeah.
Speaker 4
So I really was, like I was only accompanying them, afterwards, and and they were telling me their story and still was hard for me to hear. Of course. Of course. Be. Hard. Yeah.
Speaker 3
Of course. It should be hard for everyone to hear. Completely. And
Speaker 4
I really I spend my whole pregnancy trying to get rid of all the images of birth that weren't mine. That was the hardest part of my pregnancy. I'm sure about it.
Speaker 3
Were you able to separate, you know, because of your choices to not engage in the system even though you saw horrific stuff, you also know that it was because of the system they chose. Right?
Speaker 4
Yeah. Like, at this point in my pregnancy, I was already sure even in when I was planning the conception, I was already sure that I wanted, a free birth.
Speaker 3
Why do you think that is?
Speaker 4
Yeah. Of course. Because I I have passed through a lot of bad stuff in the system, and I knew it. That but before, I was thinking, oh, maybe I can find some midwife, a midwife here in Germany that I already that I don't know yet Mhmm. That I can fully trust, but I don't know. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable. But then I heard a story of a woman, an amazing doula, birth worker, and friend. The first time I heard she telling her story that she was alone with her partner and she gave birth just like that, I was I I I had goosebumps. I was so like, oh my god. I I felt something inside of me. But I was still, like, thinking, my god. She's so brave. I don't know if I could do that. And and so and then I went to the forest. I went to the Amazon forest. I have, Yawanawa friends. They're indigenous, people. And I went to the forest to work. My mother my my relationship with my mother before get pregnant, I thought that would be, like, a a great path. And so I I stayed there for a while with my partner, and we did several ceremonies with Ayahuasca and, and other medicines from from them. And I really worked a lot there. And another goal that I have somehow inside of me, in this journey was to talk with midwives there, like, native midwives and to hear their stories, to hear women's stories. And they opened a women's circle for me when I arrived, and I I told them that I was a birth worker. And it was so beautiful. Like, it it wasn't like a a circle of women for me. It was just like let's let's exchange knowledge and let's exchange just like that. So I heard a lot of stories. I heard myths, about c section when appeared super interesting. And I heard about how they not everybody, of course. A lot of people went to the system with, like, with a canoe for hours to go to a hospital and had, like, not so good experiences also and some bad experience, of course. And some of them were just giving birth there, of course. It was easier and was just ancestral the way, you know, they they did. And they told me that usually women goes to the field when they are in labor, and they labor that working in the field, like, with a I where I don't know the name of this. A machete. Yeah. Yeah. Working until they feel like, okay. I cannot work anymore. So I just call somebody to to grab some cloths because the baby's coming. And and when it's hard, they have medicines for that. Like and I was very impressed by that. I learned much more than I had to, you know Of course.
Speaker 3
I wonder what medicines they give when it's hard.
Speaker 4
Yeah. They You know? Yeah. Yeah. I I don't know. Like, they didn't tell me.
Speaker 3
Okay. So you go there. You're healing.
Speaker 4
I really felt that my relationship with my mother shift. I I also talked with her. I had a wonderful time with her after this this experience in the forest. Yeah. It was beautiful. And then when I came back, I came back, like, with a really peaceful sure that I wanted a free birth. Was really, really in peace. I I didn't have any fear about that anymore. It was easy. So, yeah, after that, after I came and I was like, okay. Free birth. And and then I found the Free Birth Society, and I also bought the the guide to free birth, the course. And after that, like, just popped women asking me to accompany their free birth without me saying anything, just like universe works. I don't know how those things works, but I opened I feel that I opened a door, and people just synchronize with my my yes, my full body yes somehow. And then I accompany a free birth of a friend, but I I wasn't there, because I couldn't arrive in the time of birth. It was super quick. I was there only to welcome the placenta, and that was so right. It was just perfect the way it was. And it I was stronger and stronger with my feelings. So in the conception and pregnancy, I was completely into that.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So as you get pregnant, you're attending birth outside the system and inside the system.
Speaker 4
Exactly. Yeah.
Speaker 3
Wow. That's crazy to straddle it like that.
Speaker 4
Totally. Yeah. Exactly. And then yeah. It became, like, harder and harder to accomplish births in the system. Harder and harder. Yeah. I was feeling that I was just being, like, this person that puts warm clothes. I don't know in English does if this expression exists. Warm clothes and trauma, birth traumas. I was just like, I I I was hating. Yeah.
Speaker 3
I mean, that is what you're doing.
Speaker 4
Right? That's true. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3
I've been there.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
Okay. So then when do you shed that? You said up until six months pregnant, you're going to births in the system?
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
And then are you having a wild pregnancy, I'm assuming? And tell us about your pregnancy into getting up to your birth.
Speaker 4
Yeah. So I was checking myself what I really wanted to do during the pregnancy and what I really didn't want to do. This journey was beautiful because I was really connected connecting with my body in a way that I never did. I have been trying to connect with my feminine, with my menstrual cycle and everything. But in the pregnancy, it was amazing because every time that I feared something, for example, that came the wish. Like, my fear, I I will share, but, like, my my biggest fear was to have a baby without a brain. Sure. It was popping in my my mind. And every time that a fear came, I was checking in my body, like, constantly. How can I feel if I if everything is alright? How can I can I receive this information to alleviate this this anxiety in my head and trying, like and and also making a lot of agreements with my body? If something is wrong, please tell me. And also, like, telling like, talking with myself if something is wrong, if that biggest fear happens, what I want to do. And all the time, my answer was I would stay at home. I don't want to engage in the system. I don't want to engage in the system. So I was really trying to have this wild pregnancy. At the very end, I I thought that if I do one ultrasound without, you know, asking and I I I at the very end, I did one ultra ultrasound. You did? What? I did.
Speaker 3
Tell us about tell us about that. What happened? Why?
Speaker 4
What's this fear? It was just this fear. Like, it was kept like, it was I I was trapped in my anxiety with that.
Speaker 3
Wow. And I
Speaker 4
was crying.
Speaker 3
Was it specifically about the baby not having a brain?
Speaker 4
Yeah.
Speaker 3
Okay. You
Speaker 4
know? And and and I was trying to get away with that, and I also asked, like, guidance for that for some people. I talked with Balena, from birthing with the with god, because she was, doing these reels with, about free birth and was really famous. And I was like, oh my god. Maybe I can talk with somebody. Before, I think that I could, talk with you even. I can talk with somebody that just to clear my mind. And I talked with people, like, a lot of people. And at the very end, I was like, okay. If that will make me feel better at the end, I will do this fucking ultrasound. So I wrote a letter for the doctor. I went to a very kind of, alternative doctor doctor, just doctor. And then I wrote a letter that I really didn't want to know anything, any kind of gray zone thing, you know, like, maybe there's something in the heart. You should wait three weeks, and then we can check again, anything like that. I just want to see if everything is okay in the head, like, organs is not outside or things like that that was keeping, like, passing in my mind. And I did that. And so it was a quick ultrasound. I was talking with my baby all the time, and she was she, really did what I asked. I was very lucky with that and was like, yeah. Maybe it's there. Like, the organs is there, and it's okay. And then I also was talking with myself. Like, I know that anxiety is just something that will come in another way. It's not just going to do an ultrasound that will solve the problem. So if I go, I would it's it's agreement with me. So it's done. It's one ultrasound, and then I don't want to engage anymore. And, actually, I could do that. So I I did this one ultrasound, and I wasn't feeling trapped anymore. I, of course, I felt fear in many moments Mhmm. In my in my pregnancy, but I was able to connect with my body and do some other inside work, writing or connecting. And I did had a blood test, but then I was just like
Speaker 3
A blood test for what?
Speaker 4
I was in the beginning, feeling like, do I really know if I have all my my vitamins and iron? My mother had always, like, anemia in pregnancy. So Anemia? Anemia. Yeah. So that was also in my in my head. When I checked that everything was fine, I was okay also.
Speaker 3
Okay. So you don't have a wild pregnancy. You're figuring out, like, picking and choosing what what's helping you feel the most confident. And I think that's an important point, you know, because there's no, like, goal with any of this stuff. Right? There's no hierarchy. You know, there's only what you choose. That's it. There isn't anything else. And every choice for each woman is an individual highly individual assessment and calculation of what that woman is up for. Right? And I just think it's important to presence that because it's not about, like, oh, you this woman over here had a wild pregnancy and a free birth, and so her birth was more whatever. You know? Like, I
Speaker 4
don't know if
Speaker 3
you know my birth story with my first kid. Right. You know? But I just, like, made up a story that my cervix was swollen and went into the hospital, you know, for a half hour. And I was just thinking about that when you were sharing the ultrasound story because it's the same thing, you know, of, like, finding our edge. And we're moving the needle so much with what we're doing. I mean, you as a Brazilian woman living in a different country, not just having a c section. Right? Like, in the cultural Mhmm. Forms of your origins.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
It's just so it's such it's all just such a big deal, and it's really I think some women get kinda caught up in this weird, performative, like, there's some cool way to do this stuff. And it's like, there's only your life. There's only your choices, and no one else can even begin to understand the calculations that that each individual woman is making. Right? And it's not about good or bad. It's really not any of that stuff. And so, yeah, I appreciate you sharing that. It's not like there's not like a purist
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
You know, I mean, there's risk. You know there's risk. Right? Like, you got you got lucky, like you said, with how cool that you randomly knew, like, an alternative kind of doctor, but you know someone else could go in for an ultrasound and boom, like, they're getting messed with and CPS or social work social services is being called on them. And, you know, I think we all know in this community that it's risky. Right?
Speaker 4
That's exactly that was actually my biggest fear. It wasn't, like, the the the the baby what was happening in the brain of the baby because I knew that it was anxiety. My really, my biggest fear was to engage in the system and never being able to get out Mhmm. Because because I have seen that. I have seen a lot of women that are really in their power, and they are like, no. I I really will be able to say no. And at the moment, they were, like, just Yeah. Lying and and and, you know, so I knew that I could be influenced. Mhmm. If if a doctor say to me, there is something that we don't know about the heart, like, I have seen many women pass by that at the very end was nothing. You know? But they have to pass, like, through, I
Speaker 3
don't know, four, extra ultrasounds. You know? But I I really didn't want to be trapped by that or be influenced. So did you I know for me, after I had my experience going to the hospital, thankfully coming home, having my birth, and then processing my choice to go into the system for that thirty minutes and the risks that I took doing that. I I know for me, I emerged from that being like, wow. I didn't need to go. But that was a piece of my own socialization, my own fear, you know, fear being led by fear and kind of that knee jerk.
Speaker 2
I'm trying to think of the
Speaker 3
right words. Like, that knee jerk response of socialization to go somewhere that felt like they had answers beyond what I had. But I also know that I didn't need to go. I wasn't given anything. You know, for me, for my story, I was in transition. If if someone had just kept me home, I would have had a baby, and I did, obviously, have a baby, thankfully, still at home. But, anyway, I just wonder, like, did you have a similar like, in retrospect, are you, like, oh, wow. I was just afraid, and that's you know, I'm doing so much unprogramming, and that was still a piece that you didn't know you needed to unpack. Mhmm. Even though it it temporarily helped you, it temporarily gave you the thing you needed. Just like for me, I just needed someone to say my cervix was okay.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
But, you know, also owning that it was totally fear and my own, socialization to, like, trust and outsource. Mhmm. Did you have a similar
Speaker 4
Yeah.
Speaker 3
Unpacking of that?
Speaker 4
Maybe. Maybe I can process together, like, because I just thought yeah. Right? Because you can't I I just I just thought something, that have crossed my mind before when I heard about your birth story that I always think that you had some ability or courage or braveness at the moment also to face the the you had some skills to face the system at this point because probably you knew that you could people wouldn't obligate you to do nothing, of course. Like, you just go like, no. No. No. No. I'm going home. Something like, we never know. But the thing is that I to be honest, I I feel shy. I feel also that I feel often, very little here as a migrant. I I I usually, when there is some some representative of patriarchy, like, in front of me and doing something racist, for example, I feel, like, diminished. I I feel, like, little. And afterwards, I can feel I can do something. I I feel rage. But at the moment, I feel that usually I freeze more. That's what my my nervous system usually does. So I was I was so afraid. Like, I I would never I I knew that I couldn't be in the system. I have seen that, with other women, so I I knew that even a midwife could I don't know. I I could outsource my my power somehow. I don't know how it is she, but, with you, but I just thought that there is some kind of of belief, that if I go there, I will go out. Mhmm. I just need that. Was interesting to face the system Mhmm. In a way that usually I'm I'm not able. So that's why writing a letter and being there and saying, like, I won't accept anything else, just what I want, was some kind of act of sovereignty for me. And I think I don't know. I I would never say never, but, I think I wouldn't need again an ultrasound for the next pregnancy if I I think I want. So, a pregnancy again, I think I wouldn't do that, but it depends on how I will be feeling. But I yeah, during the whole journey, I just discovered that it's sitting in the unknowing for sure, like, even during birth.
Speaker 3
Yeah. For sure.
Speaker 4
Very end of my pregnancy and with forty weeks, and I decided I was planning ahead to make a ceremony with I was thinking about making a ceremony at home with my partner with Ayahuasca because we had done that with six months. And beautiful native people were in my home in in in, in Germany, and, this shaman gave me a little bit of of Ayahuasca. So it was in my fridge waiting for me that maybe I could do something. So when I got when we got it, and and I was feeling anxious because my mother would come. And I tried to make my mother to come, like, more to one month after my my expected date. And but I was afraid that my mother could come before the baby if my pregnancy goes until forty four weeks, for example, like I have seen, and I was completely, like, I will wait. I will just wait. Doesn't matter until when. And at with forty weeks, I was feeling anxious. I was feeling like I really want this baby. And my mother was super sweet with me. She was like, I know that I'm not in your birth plan. And if if it happens, I didn't tell anybody, like, the due date. And so my mother was, if it happens, I will just sleep in Airbnb. Yeah. It's okay. But still, I was feeling a bit anxious about that and end of pregnancy. So I was like, okay. I want to make a release anxiety ceremony to be like you know, I wanted that. We opened this this ayahuasca pot, and there was fungus inside. And I was also already, like, having this intuition that I didn't want to do it. So I was like, no. It's a no. And Christian, my partner, was like, maybe the grandmother is welcoming the children energy because we call Ayahuasca the grandmother, and Maria Sabina, Shaman calls the mushroom a children energy, like the energy of the children. So we did this ceremony with with mushrooms. So I took, like, one and a half gram and, my partner a bit more. And we had, like, a very, very special moment night. I like, the first vision that I had was my my mother, me, like, laying laying in the lap of my mother. And then my grandmother appeared, and then my great grandmother appeared. And I saw myself laying down laying in in their laps, like, big laps, and I felt less a blessing completely. I felt they they were blessing me. Was beautiful. I cried. And another vision that I that I that was really special for me was I saw my baby as a woman. I saw a woman, and I knew that was my baby, full of flowers around around her. And I was like, wow. Okay. So it's really it's really a girl. And I decided that I would call her Flor. It's a flower. So I love Flor. And I I wrote and I had another vision that I don't know. Like, that mother was passing through me, and I I I felt that I was I was safe Mhmm. To give birth. I I I felt that.
Speaker 0
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
And then I wrote a letter to my baby saying that we were ready when my baby was ready to it's a beautiful letter. I won't remember all the words here. And then, okay, so then four hours later, it was almost almost, like, five AM. We ended, and we were talking about our visions. My partner also had some interesting, visions for his journey as a parent, a new parent, was beautiful. We talked. And when when I went to the bathroom, I passed the paper after peeing and blood, little bit of blood. And I was like, oh, okay. Maybe. Maybe it will start. So I was very excited, and then I I said to Christian, so let's make love because I don't know when will be the the next time. So we did that, and and then he was like, okay. So let's rest. We we if we knew that it would start, we would never be journeying, like, the whole night. I would be resting or something. And I was yeah. But I couldn't. My birth just started really quick.
Speaker 3
Woah.
Speaker 4
Yeah. Like, bah bah bah. One surge after another. I just went to the bathroom, and I asked him to to set up the pool. And he was like, no. No. That's the rest of us. It's too early. And we were all the time thinking he was with three days birth in his head Totally. After talking with you also. Good. Yeah. But I was I just I screamed in the bathroom, like, it's intense. Just at the top of the pool. So how long was the burst? Seven hours.
Speaker 3
Wow. Amazing.
Speaker 4
Yeah. It was quick. And then and then I was in the bathroom, and he said to me that when he he went to the bathroom, this the pool was set up. I was laying down with my belly inside of the of the bathtub, and the the the water was almost flowing. Flow floating? Overflowing. Flowing. Yeah. I was just like, wow. Beautiful.
Speaker 3
And so at what point you have some of your dear friends come over. Right?
Speaker 4
Yeah. I'm ah, so, yeah, I had two dear friends. Kamala was one of them.
Speaker 3
Oh, that's cool. The original inspiration.
Speaker 4
Exactly. Yeah. Gem, also, they are both doulas, and also friends, that I love so much. And before my birth, I had a dinner with them at in my place. I cooked amazing meal, and I talked to them. Like, I'm not calling you as an expert. So please, if at some point I feel insecure and I ask I outsource my power, please mirror that to me and give me back. That was the only thing that I talked to them to agree. And I also said there will be a camera there, but don't feel like that you need to do that. Just I just want you as community that I love present. So then I was I was laboring, and I was feeling the surges, like, coming and and having, like, three seconds of being a bit, like, existential concentration. And then I could rest in the pauses and was amazing rest. I was, like, really feeling so great during the pauses. And at some point, I felt I put my fingers in my in my vagina, and I felt the the, the water, back. And and I was like, woah. That's interesting. A little bit realistic. I don't know. It was it was it was a different feeling. And and I made a little bit of force. I don't know why I felt like that. I did like and then in inside of the bathtub. I was loving to be in the bathtub all the time. I was almost all the time there. And and then after that, after my water broke, I started to feel different surges, like, pulling more down. So I was like, okay. So now it's like that. And at this point, I I stopped feeling, pain, which is very interesting. Like, I I was just feeling this very down but without pain. But it was the hardest part of my birth. It's completely crazy. From the seven hours, it was two hours of of this phase of pushing. And I wasn't I wasn't trying to push, but I was every time that I was feeling that I was bearing down, I felt also some kind of spasm like feeling that I was contracting my my birth canal, my vaginal canal, and and that was making me feel so frustrated. Mhmm. I was I was I started to be in a spiral thought, like, I'm being counterproductive. I'm being counterproductive. Why I'm doing that? Like, try to relax and try to breathe down your baby and some you know, all this stuff that I knew, you know, this kind of doula stuff that were in my head that I was maybe trying to do in a rational mind. And, at this point, my friends arrived. I that's when I called them, more to the end of the birth. So they arrived, and it was beautiful. Like, I felt like, that's my partner was amazing the whole birth. I forgot about telling that, but was just beautiful to be alone with him. And he was bringing me things to drink and also, like, brought, brought me to pee once. And I was feeling his presence in an presence in amazing way. And when they arrived, Kamalu and Jen, I felt a shift of energy. I was rationally kind of happy that they were there, but not exactly at the same time. So I've when they arrived, I was like, hey. And then I felt that I kind of entered in a in a more aware state, and I felt pain after, like, a time without feeling. And I remember Jen touched my back, and I was like, no. Just don't. You know? Like, no. No. No. No. No. And I had my husband very, very strong. Like, I like I think part of me was just like, no. I just I want to stay here only with you. But, also, it the energy was shifting also because they were so amazing. They were just present with closed eyes even. Like, I don't know if they were praying. They I I was just feeling their presence in completely respect and was the only touch that I received was that one that I I I said, like, with my head a little bit of no, and and then they were just there. And then I said very, very vulnerable. I was just so vulnerable at this point, and I said, like, I'm having this possible eye contraction, and I don't know why I'm doing that. And and Kamala, at some point no. Jen said, Tachi, it's impossible to be relaxed all the time. It's you're doing that perfectly. And I was like, okay. Yeah. And then I realized that I was also, like, being hard with myself with this theoretic thing about giving birth. And I was okay. And then Kamala said I I I I said, I'm holding something. I don't know. And Kamala said, touch it. Whatever you're holding, just release it. And I was okay. So I wanna be alone. And I I I said everybody to go out to another room, and then I was alone. And and then I was really like, what I'm holding? What I'm holding? I don't know what I'm holding. I fuck. I don't know. Fuck. I fuck it. I am the mother of this baby. I will give birth to this baby, and that's it. I'm the only one able to do that. And then I really started because before that, I was breathing my baby doll, breathing my baby doll. It's like performing almost, you know, to ourselves. Yes. And doing crazy things. And I started to be able to push the baby without doing this kind of contraction. And then I I put my fingers there, and I felt the baby, the head of the baby. And I was like, wow. Wow. It's coming. And then I called first my partner, and my partner was there birthing with me for a while. And then I I also invited, Jen and Kamala again to come. And afterwards, I heard I like, they told me that they were there together. Jen and Kamala were treating with the hands my partner, and they were having beautiful moments together. And when they arrived again, there was a moment that Kamala was holding hands of with Jen, and he's also felt like holding their hands. So they were with hold hands. And I, with closed eyes, just grabbed the hands of my partner, and we were, like, together with this beautiful image of flowing energy, but I just I didn't see that. You know?
Speaker 3
And you're in the birth tub. Right?
Speaker 4
Yeah. Yeah. I was I was, in the in the pool, in the birth pool. Yeah. At some point, I was feeling that was too long, for the baby to come. I don't know. Like
Speaker 3
Like every woman?
Speaker 4
Yeah. I was I was tired in the feeling that And seven hours, but still. Totally. And then I I look at at them, and I said, I need guidance. And then they mirror it back to me, like, I asked, but then I was like, yeah. I don't know. It's It's taking too long. And they were like, it's taking the perfect amount of time. And Kamalu said, Patchy, maybe if you want, you can move a little bit because I was pretty still in in the same position. You can do a lunge for one side or another, and she was speaking very slowly. I was liking that. And then I did that, and I felt like the head of the baby crawling. Yeah. It's crawling. And and I was like, whoosh. And and I I I I in the birth video, I see my screams, and I know everything that happened. Like Totally. Like, totally, like, the the head, the forehead of the of the baby was there, and I was, it's hard to do it because I was feeling the the stretch Mhmm. Of my of my pyrenees. And then after the stretch, poof, the the the head passed and and and came to the neck. And I was touching my baby's head. And at this point, I love also this part of my birth. Such a vulnerable moment again. I I was touching the baby's head, and I look at Kamalu Egen, and I said, yeah, Gora, in Portuguese. And then I had the the the distance of translating because they they don't understand Portuguese. And I said, hello. Like, hello. And then and then the baby came, like, and I I hold the baby in my arms. I was I had this fantasy before that when the baby came inside of the water, I would look at the baby for some seconds before bringing the baby to my chest, but I just grabbed the baby, and it was in my chest already. She transitioned very well. I saw that was really I love Laura, a baby girl. I was very, very happy. Everybody was in a profound silence at this moment until I look at them and I gave a big smile. And then I heard you did that. And I was crying and laughing. It was beautiful. And then after forty, twenty, I don't know. I don't have notion of time, that I was in the bathtub with Ayla and Christian. I I decided that I wanted to go out, so I went out of the not the tub, the the birth pool. Mhmm. I went out, and then I I squashed in a in a bowl that Jen gave to me. And I prayed through my placenta. I said it was beautiful, everything that a placenta did until then until that moment then that I could release. I loved the sensation of birthing the placenta. It came really, really like, as soon as I finished the praying and I did a little bit of and then it came like, Jen's had, like, a final wet kiss of the pie of the birth was beautiful. I really felt like that's such a pleasant moment. And then we did this ceremonial burning card together. We prayed together. We sang Chris Christian, sing a song. And and then I cried, and I was, like, just I started to say so many things about how I was how healing it was, this birth to me. I had this really breakdown moment after birth, talking with them. And then a midwife came, that I agreed with her. She just, filled papers with me because here in Germany, I would need those papers to have, easier, experience with, the system and receiving also money from the system. And so I agreed with that. So we told the midwife she came, and she was completely respectful. She was also, supporting a free birth in that sense. So, she didn't look at my placenta. She asked if I wanted to do anything to check the baby. I said that I didn't want that. I felt my baby was so healthy. Pew like, I could feel that my baby was so healthy. And I remember the affirmations of Yolanda. I was hearing all the time. The first sentence was my baby is healthy and vigorous. And I was feeling that, like, my baby was really healthy and vigorous. I was very happy with that. So, yeah, she just filled the forms. She waited the baby because I wanted to to know that, and the baby was three kilos. And, yeah, then I took a shower and then went to my postpartum journey.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah. I love the videos that I've seen of the cord burning and the prayers and songs.
Speaker 4
So sweet. Yeah. That's beautiful. I was very, very happy about it.
Speaker 3
Yeah. It's pretty pretty epic. And so how has this changed you? Who are you now with this integration at your back?
Speaker 4
Still discovery. I I feel that I'm much more connected with my essence. I chain like, I I cannot accept doing things that somehow go against what I feel that is my essence right now, so I completely changed my work. I I don't want to accompany anybody in the system for sure, for example. And I am and I feel that I still like cleaning some people pleaser pleasing thing that I have, and I always recall to my birth as as a powerful experience. I just felt that I could enter in this motherhood journey without having to process any kind of trauma of of outsourcing my power. And I don't know if peep like, I I just I I felt that I could leave the postpartum such a e in in at ease, like, in a tranquil way. So I don't know still what's changing me. I'm I'm discovering, but I just feel myself more myself than ever, maybe. Yeah. Totally. Beautiful.
Speaker 3
Well, thank you.
Speaker 4
Thank you so much, also, for inviting me.
