Speaker 0
Into the wild, I'm going into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom child, since I left my roots back home. Into the wild I'm good. Into the wild I am. It's been a while, freedom child, since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 1
Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative, we'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 0
It's been a wild freedom
Speaker 2
change since
Speaker 0
I've left my rules back home.
Speaker 3
Hi, women. Today, I am joined by Arah, a Radical Birthkeeper graduate who free birthed her first baby after the school, supported by her partner and her mom. Since RBK doors are open right now, we have to highlight these epic women who experienced major transformation during and after the program. So when Arah got pregnant, she knew she would stay home. She didn't wanna hire a professional, but she did deeply wanna have her mom there despite the fact that they were not on speaking terms. So Arah took the conscious steps to repair their relationship. And in the end, her mother held perfect space, so much healing took place, and Arah Free Births, a perfect little boy. There are just a few short weeks left to grab your place with us in twenty twenty four's radical birth keeper school. Invest in yourself. Invest in the world. Be a part of creating the birth culture that you wish to see. It really is that simple. I did it. You can too. Yo and I are here to guide you. So go to radical birthkeeper school dot com and step into your calling. Doors will be closing soon. Alright. Enjoy the show. Welcome to the show, Ara.
Speaker 4
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 3
It's a long time coming. I've known you for a while now. You came to MRF the second year or the first year?
Speaker 4
It was the second year, and it was immediately it was just a couple months after I graduated RBK. So yeah.
Speaker 3
I have the visual. This is gonna sound weird. But I have that epic picture of your butt in the moonlight. Oh, no. Mind. When I think of you, I think of that picture. It was you and maybe three other women?
Speaker 4
Yeah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. A good picture.
Speaker 4
Thank you. Thank you. It was fun. People were walking by us like, what are they doing? And then we were showing them the pictures, and they wanted to it started with, like, two of us, and then it came out so good. Fire.
Speaker 3
I love it. So you recently had your first little baby. So take us take us to wherever you wanna start. You know, who were you when you got pregnant? What decisions did you make? When did you know you were gonna do this crazy thing called free birth? Tell us everything.
Speaker 4
Okay. I'll start with your last question, which is when did I know I was gonna free birth? So growing up, my mom, she had me and my sister, and she always would talk about how I was a natural birth at the hospital, but a natural birth. And my sister, she had an epidural, and she was like, always go to the hospital at the last minute and don't ever get an epidural. Like, just push it out. She was like, it hurts. But it all goes away the minute the baby comes out, and it's so much better than, like, the stuff that they give you. The recovery is better. So I always had it in my mind. Don't do that. You know? No meds. And then I was, like, maybe eight or nine, I've seen the Blue Lagoon, and I love that movie. And I remember it getting to this scene where she births her baby in the jungle, like, next to a tree by herself, and I was like, holy shit. I wanna do that. So I always had that picture in my mind. Not necessarily having a baby in a jungle, but just on my own. Like, this is cool. Nature is cool. Everything about the movie was, like, they just eat from the land and you know? It was just very, very enticing for me. And so with that and my mom's story of my birth and my sister's birth, I always knew home birth, home birth, home birth. That was what I had in my mind. And then as I got older and I was really sick. I was really, really sick, like, chronically ill. Can't tell you, but from all throughout, like, high school. And it just got worse. Like, as soon as I graduated, it just kept getting worse. I was in full body pain all the time. I had went to the ER several times and, like My god. I just stopped going because they would give me all these crazy drugs, and I'd still be in pain and then not even at home in my own bed. So I was dealing with that, and that would happen every couple months. I was getting chronic infections, just all this crazy stuff. And I got really because I do not come from, like, a health conscious family at all. And so the idea of going vegan was like, woah. That's crazy. But I literally remember the day I was, like, crying, so miserable in pain. And I was like, if I just have to eat grass, then that's what I'm gonna do. That's what it takes to feel better. And now I understand, now I understand it's, like, unprocessed foods that are the big thing. At the time, that was just my knowledge. Like, I need to Mhmm. And because of that, this I came across this herbalist slash doula who only attended home births that didn't have a midwife. So there wasn't this word free birth
Speaker 2
Oh.
Speaker 4
That I knew, like, from her teachings, that that's what I wanted to do. Like, I want
Speaker 3
What's her name?
Speaker 4
Her name is Crystal. Crystal the alkaline doula. That's what I
Speaker 3
Someone else just mentioned her. I gotta have her on the podcast. Someone else that I just had on who was it? Now I can't remember who it was. Said the same thing that that was her, like, first initiation. That's so cool.
Speaker 4
Yeah. She's awesome. And, yeah, I just loved it. And everything that she would talk about, how we like, herbs can heal us, and we don't need you know? We don't need the system, basically. And her kids didn't, like, have birth certificates and all these things. And I was like, okay. That made sense. It felt very aligned, and the idea of helping women do the same thing felt very aligned. So then, obviously, once I got pregnant, that was the natural continuation of everything just to have them at home by myself, well, without any medical providers. Yeah. So that's what I did. And I think, luckily, like, my partner was on board with it from the beginning. He's like, yeah. Like, we're not going to the hospital. No. You don't need a midwife. You can do this. Like, I hear you talk about it all the time. So I didn't have any issues with that. But throughout my pregnancy, like, I felt very comfortable doing it just him and I at home. But and I knew I didn't wanna hire anyone because I don't know anyone well enough to wear, like, an RVK or anything to where I would trust them to come into such a vulnerable space. So I knew that, but I also felt sad at the thought of not having my mom there. Mhmm. But we weren't really on speaking terms. Ah, okay. So it was like this whole thing, and that was a really, really, that was probably, like, the biggest struggle I had throughout my pregnancy from beginning to, like, almost the end was, dang, I know that's who I want there, but I don't think I can have it. Yeah. But it ended up working out. She came and supported me, and that was
Speaker 3
So when did you take the RBK school in relationship to when you get pregnant?
Speaker 4
I think
Speaker 3
Like, a year earlier?
Speaker 4
I think so. Yeah. Probably a year.
Speaker 3
And then oh, go ahead.
Speaker 4
What year was the second MRF thing?
Speaker 3
Oh, twenty twenty two.
Speaker 4
Twenty twenty two. So then yeah. Twenty twenty two. I get pregnant twenty twenty three in January. Gotcha.
Speaker 3
Okay. Alright. Because you just birthed very recently. Yeah. So did you know heading into this pregnancy that you were gonna do a wild pregnancy, or did you do a wild pregnancy?
Speaker 4
I did do a wild pregnancy, but I and I did know. I don't know. It feels like you just kinda do things the way that you live naturally. Like, I don't go to the doctor normally, so it didn't make sense to me to start going all of a sudden because I was pregnant. But I also knew from, like, other things I've heard and research I did that if I wanted a birth certificate and a social and all those things that I needed it would be much easier to get them if I had, like, the pregnancy verification. Yeah. So I went and got that, like, at six weeks. I, like, went and verified the pregnancy just like with a pee test. Mhmm. And then what happens? Oh, at the end of my pregnancy, when I was ready to start maternity leave, someone told me that, because I was a nanny, and then I had a part time office job at the time. And someone told me that I could get paid through the state from, like, thirty six weeks onward. But I needed a doctor's appointment for that, so I went and had a doctor's appointment, and they thought I was psycho. They thought I was nuts. They were like, what do you mean you don't have any previous care? Like, you weren't caring for your baby? What'd you say? I was like, yeah. I I was the I seeked an alternative method of care. No. I don't have any records to show you. They did not like that. They thought I was nuts. And then the doctor and this was, like, the nurses and the assistants. When the doctor walked in, the first thing out of her mouth was, I'm glad you don't have high blood pressure. And I was like, what? Yeah. It was weird. Ew. Of course, I don't. I was like, I know I don't have high blood pressure. I've never had high blood pressure.
Speaker 3
That's also, like, kind of blatantly racist.
Speaker 4
Mhmm. Because it's yeah. A black man.
Speaker 3
Because it's associated to black women. Yeah.
Speaker 4
Yeah. Yeah. That's how I felt. That's exactly how I felt. So, of course, you know, the rest of the visit was no fun.
Speaker 3
Yes. Super awkward. God. Okay. Well, whatever. You you you did what you had to do to get what you wanted, right, to use use the system to get what you wanted. And so what was kind of how would you summarize, like, the work of your pregnancy? It sounds like your mom, your your your mother wound was a big part of that. Like, what else is there to say about this pregnancy?
Speaker 4
I think that just, like, right, it started with the grief because my, I'm pretty yeah. So January was when I found out I was pregnant, and I had just like, my dad almost died. So it was, like, dealing with all that, going back to the state where I was in an abusive relationship for the first time, like, since I left, like, sleep the state. Like, I went back just to see my dad, so that was a big thing. This was before I knew I was pregnant. But looking back, it's like all those hormones, they start doing stuff right away. Like, you can feel the difference in the sensitivity and stuff right away. But, anyways, it was a lot of grief, and I had to very oh, and a lot of fear. Yeah. I was really scared because I had spent months prior to this where I had just had it in my mind that I might never be a mom. And if I was gonna be a mom, I wouldn't be till I was, like, thirty five and had done x, y, and z. And I was, like, drilling that point home to everyone. Even in, North Dakota, that's where I went when my dad would that's where my dad lives. Even when I was there, I was visiting, like, my sister and my brother and, like, my friend and meeting their kids for the first time and telling them, yeah. Like, these are great nieces and nephews, but I don't think I'm gonna do this. And they all laughed at me. Like, of course, you're gonna be a mom, Aroy. Like, you're meant to be a mom. But I was like, no. Like, I'm not having
Speaker 3
So what was behind that of thinking it was a no for you?
Speaker 4
I had just made up in my mind that there was no and I I guess it's not entirely just from my own mind, but there's no way to do all the things you wanna do if you have kids too young. You know? Yeah. That was just kinda like what I had in my head, and I had just, like, this newfound ambition and, like, drive to do all these things. So I was like, oh, a kid can't get in the way of that. And then on top of that well, because of that, I was like, okay. Well, I have to consider having an abortion. I have to think about this.
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
And then, eventually, like, a few days after taking the test, I realized, no. You don't. Like, you're terrified because it's not what you wanna do. Like, it doesn't matter if this isn't how you thought it would happen or the age you thought it would happen. It doesn't matter. Like, you obviously want this baby, so have the baby. Like and then it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about it either. And once I came to that conclusion, most of the fear just kinda, like, left. Mhmm. Because it it wasn't fear of being a mom. It was just fear of just a bunch of meaningless things. Yeah.
Speaker 3
Well, it's all, like, made up.
Speaker 4
Yeah. Until, like, you
Speaker 3
actually are dealing with it.
Speaker 4
Yeah. And that's what I've told people too. Like, whether you because I was seriously, like, contemplating an abortion, and I'm like, if you do it, do it because that's what you wanna do. And that has to be the only reason. And if you wanna keep your baby, do do it because that's what you wanna do. And let that be the only reason. Like, no outside factors should play a part in your decision because you're the one that you know? You're the only with it.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Oh, it's big deal.
Speaker 4
Yeah. So I think the fear of that in the beginning and then moving through the grief, of, like, my relationship with my mom was big. I was really, really sad, but I was and then I felt guilty for being so sad while being pregnant. And, eventually, I came to the understanding that, like, if we weren't meant to cry while we're pregnant, we wouldn't be able to cry. Like, I don't think that you crying is gonna, like, seriously harm my baby, so I should probably let go of that guilt. And that served me very well. And, eventually, I talked to my mom again, and it was really, like, hot and cold. And it's funny because, I've realized a lot in the past few months how much we both try to play it cool, with each other. I remember when I finally told Ray, my partner, I'm gonna ask her mom if she wants to come be at the birth, and I'm gonna tell her she can't be freaking out and stuff. Like, I only want her there for emotional support, and I'm gonna just see what she says. And I was so nervous. I felt like I was asking someone to, like, marry me or something. You're pretty vulnerable. Yeah. And I remember I went in there, and I was like, okay. I have to be really calm before I go in here. So I got myself together and went and asked her, like, okay, mom. Do you think you'd be comfortable being at my birth? Because you know I'm doing it at home. I'm not going to the hospital. So if you're comfortable with that, I would like you to be there. And her whole entire body language, she was so excited. Like, I could tell she was so excited and so happy, but she was trying to play it cool too. And it's just funny because I don't understand why we do that, but it was only We're guarded. We're guarded. We have baggage.
Speaker 3
So what what like, what what might you wanna say about the jump from not being on speaking terms to inviting her to your birth? That's, like, a pretty big
Speaker 4
shift. I think it's because, just accepting my mom for who she is and understanding where I think when you, like, not having the parent that you wish you had or, like, happen in your mind that you should have had, like, there's grief that comes with that. Like, you grieve the parent you think you should have. And so I think I was really deep into that, and it felt so intense and so big at first that in my mind, not speaking was the only way to, like, protect myself. And then I realized, like, no. There's all these great things that come from this relationship with your mom regardless of what you're not getting. And, you know how to protect yourself from the things that you don't want and the parts of the relationship you don't want, so just let it be and stop torturing yourself because you don't want to not speak to your mom. You know? Yeah. And I think she needed some time to pull it out too. So after a few months had passed, it was just, like, little things here and there. I'd see her here and there. She came to my baby shower and, like, helped put it together and, you know, stuff like that. So we made amends slowly piece by piece, throughout, like, the middle to the end of my pregnancy. And, yeah, I finally decided I felt comfortable enough asking her to be there because I knew she would help me. Like, I knew she would be the emotional support that I wanted.
Speaker 3
That's awesome. Yeah. And did she grapple much with the lack of medical provider there?
Speaker 4
A little. It was funny. She said yes right away that she'd come and that she'd keep her cool and not be all scared or anything. And then the next day, it was, do do you have a bulb sectioner?
Speaker 3
And then Yeah. So it begins. She's like, I'm the midwife now. Right?
Speaker 4
Right. Yeah. She asked that. She was like, I think I might get an oxygen tank. I'm
Speaker 3
like, oh my god. Yeah.
Speaker 4
Yeah. I was declined. And I was like, mom, everything's gonna be okay if it's not okay. If it's genuinely not okay, the hospital has all those things. Like, we don't need to do that because no. We're not doing that. Yeah. She brought up a couple random things, and I would just tell her no or educate her about why certain things were completely unnecessary. Mhmm. And she was fine with it. She just moved right along. Mhmm. When the baby was she called me one day and was like, okay. I'm looking at your birth plan. And if the baby is coming out of you, it says don't touch the baby until you touch the baby or that you want Ray to catch the baby. But if the baby is gonna fall, can I catch the baby? I don't wanna offend anyone. Do you want me to just let the baby hit the floor? Just funny stuff like that. But, yeah, it wasn't much of an issue for her, I don't think.
Speaker 3
Cute. It sounds like she really tried.
Speaker 4
Yeah. She did. That's awesome. Good. I'm glad that I'm glad it worked out the way that it did for sure.
Speaker 3
So anything else you wanna say about pregnancy or the end of pregnancy before you move into your birth story?
Speaker 4
Okay. So the I would like to say something. Like, there is really, really something in our subconscious that like, even someone like me, who I would say knows quite a bit about birth. Like, I've I've intentionally educated myself about birth, hands off birth, undisturbed birth, and ways to support ourselves naturally and get the outcomes that we want. And I understand why I don't want the things that the medical system has to offer. And after, one appointment with that doctor, all of a sudden, all these spirits popped in my head. Like, all the stuff that she said to me, even though I knew
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
Logically that I was fine.
Speaker 3
Totally.
Speaker 4
She brought up, placenta previa. She brought up what else? She brought up basically all the things that could potentially make a bloody crime scene in my home, like, and all the reasons why my baby could die. Like, she did all of this very, very quickly in this one appointment, and it was enough to have me questioning myself. Like, can I really do this? Am I willing to take this much responsibility? Will I forgive myself if something goes wrong? But, of course, basically, the same thing that got me through all of it, It just reminded myself what I do believe in, which is we don't have that much control. No matter how much we like to pretend that we do, we don't control life and death.
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
You know? And so I'm gonna do what feels right to me and do my best to follow my intuition and listen to what my body's telling you. But aside from that, I'm not God, and I can't magically become God because I decided I wanna survive or my baby to survive or whatever. You know? I had to have that conversation over and over with myself at the end.
Speaker 3
Mhmm. It's interesting to untangle, like, facts from beliefs. Right? Because it's certainly a belief that many people have taken on that you can control or you can mitigate risk and increase chances of survival by birthing in the hospital system.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
But it's a belief. It's not a fact. Right. Right? And people often think what they believe are facts.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
But it's not. It's a it's a really so believing so that you can control life and death, which I think many people think you can. Right. Specifically around what we're talking about, is just like it's it's a belief. It's not actually true. And then we're over here going, well, actually, I mean, we know that women and babies are getting murdered in the system. Mhmm. You know? They're dying at atrocious rates, and we don't actually see that in the free birth world
Speaker 4
Right.
Speaker 3
Which is not not I mean, there are there are stillbirths. I don't wanna, pretend there aren't, but I'm not seeing maternal deaths like we're seeing in the system. You know?
Speaker 4
Yeah. Yeah. I just, yeah, I really I think anyone who's making this choice, you have to come to terms with that. And if you are a person who wants to control every little thing, it's gonna be that much harder. Definitely, I don't think it's possible to get through a wild pregnancy without understanding that, because it is too much. And especially a first pregnancy where you're not familiar with all the sensations of pregnancy Yeah. How uncomfortable it can get, it's easy to wanna, like, cop out and be like, let me go hand this all over to someone else because I don't wanna deal with it. And and our tolerance for sitting with fear is so low that, yeah, you get scared, and the first thing is run to the system.
Speaker 3
And sitting with the unknown. Right?
Speaker 4
Yeah.
Speaker 3
The idea that someone can tell you anything.
Speaker 4
Mhmm. Yeah. I had, I had done what is it? The little there's like a you can order, like, a test to tell you the gender of the baby. Like, you just do it at home and send it in. And I was like, there's literally no point in me doing this because I'm not even gonna believe what it says because it's not a hundred percent. And my luck would be to do it, and it tells me the wrong gender anyway. So I was like, no. I'm not anybody. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 3
Plus it's just too epic finding out at birth.
Speaker 4
Yeah.
Speaker 3
It's too epic. It's like it's like one of the greatest surprises surprise opportunities you get in your entire life. It's crazy that the vast majority of women are just like, nah. I'm good. Nah. I'm gonna just skip over this, like, pretty epic surprise.
Speaker 4
Yeah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Okay. So then what happens as you move into your birth story?
Speaker 4
Okay. So I had been having so many practice contractions at the end of my pregnancy, but I knew better than to, like, jump the gun and think it was labor Yeah. Thankfully. And that week's I had them on a Saturday, and I think that Tuesday, I went on a walk, and I was I walked my whole entire pregnancy. It was, like, my favorite thing to do. You just walk, walk, walk. And so I went on my walk, and I was walking so fast. And when I came back home, I went to the bathroom, and I had some of my mucus plug come out. So I was so excited that that paired with, like, all the practice contractions I had been having. And I was like, okay. Like, it's happening soon. Because I was already, what, I was forty one. Yeah. I was in week forty one. So in my mind, I'm like, it has to be any day now, but am I gonna be a forty four weeker? Like, am I gonna go this far? I hope not. So I got excited when I seen that, and then nothing the next day, and then nothing the next day until the next morning when I woke up. I think it was Friday morning. I woke up, and I had some bloody show. And I got excited, and I was having it didn't feel like practice. You know? I was like, okay. These feel a little more intense, and they're not stopping when I eat or when I switch up my position or anything. They're staying consistent. But who knows? I'm gonna just go do what I need to do for the day. So I went and ran every errand possible. I remember being in the grocery store, and having to stop, and I was, like, holding my belly, swaying with my eyes closed in the aisles. And I was like, they're gonna kick me out of here, thinking I wanna birth in their, in their grocery store. And it was like that. Basically, all the errands I did for the day were like that. I went and got my last batch of herbs to make my prenatal tea just in case I was gonna be pregnant for quite some time longer. I came home, made it, drink some, and the contractions kept happening, kept happening. So what was it? I think around a little after lunchtime, Ray asked me he was like, should I come home after work, or is it cool if I go one of his coworkers had a it was their birthday. So he was like, should I come home after work, or is it cool to go out with them after? And I was like, oh, it's fine. Like, go ahead. I'm fine. I'm not in labor.
Speaker 3
Whatever. I would be like, get your ass home.
Speaker 4
And he works an hour away. He works an hour away. So, yeah, in my head, I was just trying to not jump the gun and get excited. But by the time three o'clock came, which is when he gets off work, I was like, I think you should come home. So he came home. He asked me if I was in labor. I said, probably not. But just to be safe, like, just just come home. He came home. We went to Whole Foods to fill up our, like, big water things. And I remember in the parking lot, he was like, I think you should get back in the car. And I was like, yeah. That's that's a good idea. I'm gonna get back in the car. And then when he came back, he asked me if we should just go home. I was like, no. We're going to dinner still. Like, I still wanna go get dinner. So we went and got Thai food, and that's when I knew I was in labor for sure. I was, like, having these crazy contractions all throughout dinner, and they weren't stopping. And I told myself, okay. I'm not gonna believe it unless we walk back up this hill to the car and my contractions don't stop. And we did, and they didn't stop. And so I was like, okay. This is it. And we got home. I tried to sleep. I didn't really I probably got maybe an hour combined of, like, mini naps worth of sleep that night, and I just kept moving through the motion. I actually had planned, to have my sister, sister, two of my sisters come, to my birth. And so the next morning, it's, like, seven AM. I knew for sure I was in labor at seven PM, and it was, like, seven AM the next day. And I told him, okay. You can tell, my mom, it's time to come over. But I was crying. I was crying, and he asked me, why are you crying? And I told him, I don't want my sisters to come anymore, and I feel like I feel bad. I feel like I have to let them come. But I mean, I can't I can't just tell them no. And this is a theme in our relationship and what I love about him so much. He was just like, yes. You can. And in my mind, I was like, wow. Yes. I can. I can tell them no. So I did. I told them to just go hang out at my mom's house until it was time to come over after I had the baby. And I'm so glad that I did that because I would've totally sabotaged my whole birthday today. Seriously. Yeah. The idea of having anyone other than him and my mom there made me so anxious. Mhmm. That's why I was crying. It made me so anxious. So I'm I'm just glad that I said no to that. And then even even my mom, like, I was sure that I wanted her here, and it still changes things. You know? Like, as soon as she showed up, Ray finally went to take his nap because, remember, we hadn't slept in, like, quite some time. He wants to take a nap as soon as my mom got here, and it felt like I completely it just took me out of the flow. We were in such a rhythm, and it just stopped.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 4
Not that my labor stopped, but everything kinda felt like it slowed down. And mentally, I didn't feel like I could handle it anymore. And I felt I had made up this story that it was my fault, that my labor wasn't progressing right and that I, yeah, I should just do it. I should just be better at this. Like, I should know what to do, and I should relax more. And if I just relax more, the baby would be here already and all these things. And so then I was, yeah, I was playing with my head. I was playing with my own head.
Speaker 3
Mhmm. I feel you. I spent so much of Sawyer's pregnancy or, birth, like, hearing this voice going, you're doing it wrong. You're not you're not pushing right. This isn't gonna get a baby out. Like, it was just, like, nasty.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
So weird.
Speaker 4
Yeah. It is. And I, like, I remember feeling so thankful that I have, like, done work sitting with these crazy Yeah. And, like, sitting with fears and just doing the thing anyway because I probably would have just went to the hospital had I not had those inner resources. It's so easy too. It's such an easy choice. Yeah. It's such an easy, yeah, just take my pain away. Give me the meds. Whatever. But I actually didn't find myself wanting that, thankfully, which I was surprised by. I thought I would I thought I would be begging to go to the hospital. I had told Ray and my mom, like, if I ask and nothing's wrong, just, you know, reassure me, and that's it. Yeah. So, anyway, she got here. I feel like I had gotten out of my rhythm. It had been I remember telling her, I'm gonna go wake up right now. Like, I need him in here. I'm gonna go wake him up. And she was like, you don't wanna let him sleep for a little longer? And I was like, no. It's already been, like, an hour. And she said it was only been ten minutes. So it has been so long in my mind put laboring with this child inside of me. But I woke him up anyways. I didn't care. And you came back worse. Yeah. And I did feel better. I remembered what was it? What book was it? I did I think the audiobook to I don't know. It was some audiobook about birth, and she had said in there to puff your belly out when you're breathing through your contractions. Like, puff your belly out, and it helps you dilate more. So I was like, okay. I'm gonna do that. And for some reason, connecting my belly to the breath, it helped, and I got through it. It took me a minute to get up the courage to say to admit that I was, like, blaming myself for the birth not progressing how I wanted to. And finally, I just said it. I was like, it's my fault, and my mom and my like, it's not your fault. You're doing great. You are progressing. But I didn't believe them. And I have a friend who attends birth outside the system too, so I called her. I called her, and I asked her I just told her I can't do this anymore. I cannot do this anymore. I don't know what to do. Yeah. I told her that, and she listened to me basically ranting about my horrible birth experience. And and she said, okay. Well, how long have you been in labor? And I told her, and she said, okay. Like, I was expecting her to be outraged with me. And she said, okay. It sounds like everything's going normal. And it sounds like that's a normal amount of time to be in labor, so I think you're okay. And I was like, she's crazy. Like, there's no way this is okay. There's there's no way that I can do this. She's wrong. Ray's wrong. My mom's wrong. Everyone's wrong. I can't do this. And I'm not progressing. And I finally went to the toilet, and I grabbed a hand mirror to look down there, and I saw the water bag just like
Speaker 3
Hey. Right. There we go.
Speaker 4
Yeah. And I was so relieved. I was so relieved. Like, okay. I really am progressing. This isn't all for nothing. But the issue was I was thinking his head was right there with it. So, Leo, transition's over. Time to punch. Like, I was like, yeah. Because I was just so tired. And I was like, if his head's right there, I don't care if I have the urge to push or not. I'm pushing. Like, I want to be done with this. So I start pushing, pushing, pushing, and then my water broke, and there was no head. And I was like, dang. I thought it was gonna be over. This isn't it. It was so intense. But I was excited, and my mom reminded me like, okay. Now that your water broke, you know, things are probably gonna pick up now. Like, you can do this. I was like, okay. I can do this. And then at some point, remember I said, like, part of my mom my desire to have a free birth came from my mom telling me, like, you don't need meds. It's all over as soon as the baby's here, and she said that. I was really struggling with it, saying I can't do it, and she was like, remember it all goes away. As soon as the baby comes out, all you have to do is push push push push the baby out. And I was like, oh, yeah. Just push the baby out, and all this can be over. So I'm I'm pushing. I was probably pushing for, like, an hour with my contractions because I was really trying to force them out. And I thought it to myself, like, you're gonna you're gonna hurt yourself, girl. Like, don't do this. You're probably gonna tear if you do this. I didn't care. I, like, consciously made that choice. I was like, I don't care if I tear. I just need this baby out. And then it got to the point where, I guess, his head was I mean, obviously, now I know. His head was coming out, and I remember thinking, if I push as hard as I need to push right now, I'm gonna rip in half. Like, my whole body is just gonna rip in half. I can't do that. And then then I asked myself, like, what options do you have? You don't have any other options. So I just pushed as hard as I could on that last push. And he came out. His head came out, and they said his head came out. And I felt so relieved again. Like, okay. His head is here. I can do this. This is this is the easy part now. And so I did one more push on my next contraction, which came, like, really fast. And he just flopped right out, and he started crying right away. And, yeah, instantly, my body felt at peace. Like, everything in me felt really grounded. I had actually asked for a very grounded birthing experience because the whole psychedelic birth experience, it it tripped me out. I was like, no. I don't want that. Like, I wanna be here. I wanna feel like I'm here and in my body because I'm naturally a very, like, I'm very, like, cerebral, and I'm always thinking. And that's what ends up getting me. It always bites me in the butt. So I didn't want yeah. And I was really happy I did have a really it was just I felt so in my body, like, more present in my body than I have probably ever felt, and that was good. And then as soon as he was here, it, like, deepened. And, my mom said, Ara, you did it. It's a boy. And I looked, and I was like, yeah. No one has to announce that. Like, he he was bright red. Like, his little private part was so bright red. I was like, yeah. That's obviously a boy. And I brought him up to our breast, and I started nursing him, like, immediately. And that was beautiful. No. Actually, that was after the fact. He sounded really gunky. So I was rubbing his little back, trying to, like, help get some of that out. I rubbed his back a little bit. And then what? I think, actually, my mom said, like, do you think we should suction him? And I was like, no. He's okay. And then he started eating, and everyone was so surprised that he started eating. I got really lightheaded, like, really, really lightheaded. I remember I was, like, all in my zone with the baby. And then I thought to myself, like, oh, you better go lay down. Like, you need to lay down. I could tell that, I could tell that when my mom's seen the blood, she, like because there was quite a bit of blood that came out when he did. I could tell when she's seen that she got nervous, but she was trying to keep her cool. You know? And I wasn't nervous about it at all. But when I got lightheaded, I was like, I better lay down just to make sure I don't pass out and then freak everyone out. So they helped me get into the bed with the baby. I just kept nursing him. And within ten minutes, I could I felt so uncomfortable. I could feel that the placenta was like, get me out of here. So about fifteen minutes later, because it took them some time to get a bowl and stuff and help me get up with him. I, like, squatted, tugged on the court a little bit, got the placenta out, and that was super easy. I was nervous about it because I've heard so many things.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I'm gonna tell you all stories.
Speaker 4
Yeah. No. It was totally fine. It was no big deal at all to get that out. And then, yeah, then the food came, and my sisters came. I remember every time, like, my best friend came, my and my two sisters came, and my mom's boyfriend came immediately after having him. And I remember every time someone walked in the door, I just felt so proud. Like, look. It's me and my little baby. Like, I just felt so happy, and it was just it was amazing. I felt so incredible. I felt so incredible. I was just they brought me food and drinks and tea, and everyone was cleaning the house. And I'm just snuggling up with the baby, and it was so great. It was exactly what I wanted. You know? My mom had made pozole. That was what I wanted for my first meal after birth. And she had made it a couple weeks before and had it in the we had it in the freezer. So she heated that up, and I got to eat my pozole. Yeah. It was just it was great. It was great.
Speaker 3
And so now you're three months out. How how has this shaped you? You know, what what do you notice now as you've crossed this threshold into motherhood with this experience at your back?
Speaker 4
I think that the surrender you have to have in order to push the baby out or at least the surrender I felt like I needed to push the baby out. Like, you have to just let go of control. Like, it doesn't stop with birth. It's a reoccurring thing because you can we cannot control, you know, all these things that we think we can control. So I my first ten days after having him, I felt very anxious. Very, very anxious. Oh. And about? I don't know. It stopped. Like, day ten hit, and it was just gone. I don't know. I I don't know if it was my hormones or what, but I just felt so anxious. And I had to keep returning to that. Like, you need to surrender because I guess, the thoughts I was having with the anxiety was something I don't want something to happen to my baby. Yeah. Is he okay? Is he okay? Is he okay? Of course, feeling like I had to watch his breathing every three seconds and make sure he was actually alive. It was that. And, yeah, I just had to keep reminding myself. You don't get to you take as good care of him as you can, and that's it. That's all you can do. You have to surrender. You have to surrender. I just kept coming back to that over and over and over. It was tough. And then because I do I still haven't gotten his birth certificate or anything like that. I tried to start the process right away. And looking back on it, I would say that is something in my postpartum that I regret because, I went to get him his newborn exam where I declined all these things, when he was four days old. And that was horrible.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Why did you do that? Why did you do it so early?
Speaker 4
Because, everything that I had read and, like, heard from people in California, you only have ten days to get that exam and, like, register the birth. And then I realized there's literally a twenty seven dollar fee if you don't do it within a certain amount of time. I will pay it. Like, I would much rather have paid a fee, but I didn't yeah. I just yeah. And I think too because, I had a lot of I was, like, grappling myself with myself a lot over, like, the choice to take him and beating myself up over it a lot too. Like, why did I do that? Because it was the worst car ride ever.
Speaker 3
Oh, I bet.
Speaker 4
We're both crying the whole time, me and the baby. But when I look back at it, it wasn't just that. Because what were they gonna do, tell me I couldn't register the baby's birth if I didn't do it in ten days? Like, even if it was, like, whatever. I don't think that mattered to me. But because I was so anxious, I wanted someone to tell me my baby was okay. Okay. Yeah. Because once we left and the doctor that did his exam was great, thankfully. Like, she was so she was like, wow. You guys just had him at home. Just you guy. Like, she was all for it and so excited, and she was telling us how he looked great and blah blah blah. She offered she wanted us to give him a couple shots, and I was like, no. It's okay. Yeah. We declined them. And that was the only thing that she even, like, suggested that wasn't that didn't feel good. You know? Know? And I was happy about that, that the visit went as good as it possibly could have. But, yeah, when I look back, it was I wanted the validation of someone telling me my baby was okay. But it didn't matter because I was still anxious and hoping my baby was okay for, like, the next six days after that. It was
Speaker 3
It didn't, like, solve your problem?
Speaker 4
No. No. No.
Speaker 3
But I do think I mean, there's layers to it because there's the there's the, like, obvious layer of where you, we, you know, so many of us are still, like, so trained to outsource authority to medical, you know, providers. Mhmm. But then there's also, I think, a very human, a very motherly just a very human desire for witnessing and validation, and it's so meaningful to have someone look at your baby and say what a perfect baby. You know? Like, it's layered. Right? But, like, I remember my first pregnancy I had a wild pregnancy, and and my mom palpated the baby just for fun, maybe around, like, eighteen, nineteen weeks. And I'll never forget. She was, like, touching it, and then she, like, felt the baby, and she went she made a joke, and she was like, yep. You're definitely pregnant. And I remember a part of me was like, oh, thank god. Mhmm. You know, like, someone else is acknowledging my pregnancy. Yeah. Thank god. This is real. And I think that's great. I think it's been heavily, you know, heavily abused, heavily taken advantage of, our desire for that stuff. But when we can kind of move beyond, you know, some of those outer layers and just know that, I think we can set ourselves up to get that from our community without needing to get it from the outsourced authorities.
Speaker 2
Do you
Speaker 3
know what I'm saying?
Speaker 4
Yeah. I do. I so in my that doctor's appointment I had at the end of my pregnancy, I wouldn't let them do anything, but she asked, can I she wanted to palpate my belly? And I was like, okay. Yeah. Well, you can do that. And she did, and she told me she felt the baby's head because I had a fetal scope, and I would just feel around two. And I had been able to make out everything, consistently hear the heartbeat, but I never could feel the head. Yeah. So I had this fear in my mind that my baby didn't have head, that my baby was just growing with no head because where was it?
Speaker 3
I did the same thing.
Speaker 4
I yeah. I was like, where is it? So I remember after that appointment, despite all the, like, crazy, icky stuff that happened there that was said there, I felt so good to know my baby did, in fact, have a head. Yeah. That Yeah. That's all extremely validating.
Speaker 3
Or at least she there's some random stranger thinks she felt one. Yeah. Precisely. So then the anxiety passes, you said, around ten days postpartum?
Speaker 4
Yep. Ten days, it like, I felt much, much better, much less anxious. And then someone told me about motherwort, so I took the motherwort. And that really, really was supportive Yeah. For my emotional state at the time. And, yeah, after that, it's just, like, I think there was a significant drop in my anxiety, and then it just, like, slowly tapered off from that point on. And now I feel it's funny. Like, even in the bed this morning, I was looking at him, and I was like, yeah. You are here. Like, you're really here, little guy.
Speaker 3
A minute. Yeah. Yeah. It takes a minute. It definitely isn't just, like, in one go. Mm-mm. Yeah. Well, love it. You did it.
Speaker 4
I did it. I'm so glad. I'm so glad. It's great being a mom.
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 4
It's this, I don't know. I don't think there's anything. And I have, hopefully, a lot of life to live still, but I just can't think of anything that could feel better than, like, looking at my child. Like, literally just looking at him, the fact that he exists brings me so much joy.
Speaker 3
I know. The only thing I could think of is, like, is, like, looking at all of my children.
Speaker 4
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
You know what I mean? Like, I have two now, but, like, imagine however many we're gonna have. Yeah. That is a trip. That's like a a realm I haven't, you know, experienced yet. But, like, what is that like to see your whole little crew?
Speaker 4
You know? Yeah.
Speaker 3
Well, I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 4
Thank you. You crushed it. Thank you. Thank you.
Speaker 3
And if women wanna find you on Instagram or or connect with you, how can they do that?
Speaker 4
So my Instagram is mama love grounds. It's m a m a l u v, grounds. Mama love grounds. And my website is the same thing. I'm in Ventura County, California. If anyone needs a Brint keeper, I got you. Yeah. That's that's me. I do host women's circles and things like that here too.
Speaker 3
Nice.
Speaker 4
Yeah. So if anyone's listening and you're out here, hit me up on Instagram, and we can get connected in real life.
Speaker 3
Perfect. Thank you so much.
Speaker 4
Thank you.
Speaker 3
I hope you enjoyed the show today. You can support this podcast by donating to it on free birth society dot com and leaving an awesome review on whatever platform you listen on. The more reviews, the more visibility the show gets, so let's spread the word of Sovereign Birth. We've always got a lot going on at Free Birth Society, and you can find out about all of it at free birth society dot com, at free birth society on Instagram, and opt in to my newsletter below in the show notes. We offer courses on free birth, authentic midwifery, and the blood mysteries, as well as one on one coaching, in person retreats, and, of course, our annual women's festival. Our exclusive vetted private membership is definitely something to check out if you're looking for a community of wise sisters. Together, we rise. We must speak our stories, claim our lives, and support one another. This is the living revolution, and I am so grateful to be in it with all of you. I'll leave you with our epic Free Birth Society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba Red.
Speaker 2
I honor you for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored, eons upon light beams of survival, withstanding the eradication of our power by design. I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth in captivity. The picket line redefined from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging our babes. Strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts, keep your needles. My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons or your poison. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention. Death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back from the star. Wild woman, she still lives in Sahar. Wild woman, from you, I will not hide. They could not bend
