Speaker 0
Into the wild, I'm going into the wild, I am. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home. Into the wild I'm good. Into the wild I am. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home.
Speaker 1
Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood, and beyond. Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative, we'll explore the politics of birth, and we'll analyze everything that relates to our lives as women from a feminist perspective. Here's your host, Emilee Saldaya.
Speaker 0
It's been a wild freedom since I've left my roots back home.
Speaker 2
Today on the show, we have Savannah, a graduate of the Radical Birthkeeper School, and she's here to tell us her big and important story of birth, single motherhood, loss, and claiming her freedom as a woman. Savannah's first birth resulted in heartbreaking, but so common, midwifery, sabotage, and betrayal with a totally unnecessary transfer to the hospital. Many years later, Savannah repartners and finds herself pregnant again. Tragically, she lost that baby on her forty week date. Savannah tells us the gutting story of birthing her stillborn son in the hospital. She shares how in her mourning, she was guided to this very podcast and then to our radical birth keeper school where she found deep healing and support. In navigating her first birth outside of the system and contending with fear, Savannah steps fully into her power and free births her next baby, just eleven months after the loss of her last baby. These are the kind of real and difficult conversations that we don't shy away from in the radical birthkeeper school. Birth work is death work. And if you're ready to lean into the depth of this work, this is our last call for this year's session of the radical birthkeeper school. You can go to radical birth keeper school dot com and grab one of our last spots now. Grab some tissues and settle in for Savannah's story. Savannah. Hello. Hello, darling. I feel like this is long overdue, and I'm really, really looking forward to just spending this next hour or so with you and hearing your stories, like, in totality. I've gotten, you know, bits and pieces of all three really, but, I haven't heard them in their fullness. So welcome. Thanks for being willing to come on here.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Thank you so much for having me, and thank you so much for being such a fierce beacon for me through the crazy journey that I've been on in the last, like, year and a half. Yeah.
Speaker 2
You can take it away. Yeah. Wherever you wanna wherever you wanna start.
Speaker 3
So I guess I'll start yeah. Who am I? Well, I'm from Texas. I live in Austin. I grew up here. I come from a family of writers and musicians and artists and all that. So my, my upbringing, I really leaned into that a lot, and I was very much like, kids. No. I'm not doing that. That's ridiculous. But I was always ridiculous. Yeah.
Speaker 2
What an absurd idea.
Speaker 3
Like, who? Yeah. That that that just wasn't really on my radar at all. I was the my mom hadn't even choose twenty three, and she's the oldest of three siblings. So I kind of was like the fourth child to my grandparents growing up. Mhmm. And I didn't have a cousin or anyone else until I was much older, so I kind of took care of all the little kids. And I wouldn't I don't think I was, like, bitter about it or anything. I just was like, cool. I did that, and I'm never having one myself because I'm gonna go be a rock star. Yeah. I, I went to NYU for two years. I moved to New York City when I was eighteen, and I really thought that I was gonna be, like, a Broadway star or, like, a recording musician or whatever. And and then I just fucking hated it there. It's so cold, and people were also cold. And it's very isolating despite the fact that you're around a shitload of people. So after a couple years, I moved back home. But I did have this one moment when I was walking down the street on my twentieth birthday in New York, and I saw this toddler. She had little golden curls. And normally, I would have been like, oh, cute baby. But I looked at this child and was like, I saw one. Like, what? It was like out of nowhere. And then I moved back home to Austin, and I joined a band. And I was doing all kinds of stupid shit that twenty, twenty one year olds do, partying, playing shows, doing all kinds of less than savory things. And I, was dating my first son's father. We went to high school together, and he had a huge crush on me the whole time we were in high school, but I thought he was such a dork because he was, like, an EDM DJ, like, Raver kid. I was like, I'm too cool for that. I'm a band geek. Like, whatever.
Speaker 2
You're definitely too cool for an EDM DJ. For sure.
Speaker 3
But when we went to college, we, you know, we stayed friends and everything, and then we kinda dated on and off for a couple years. And and then, I it was the night of my twenty first birthday. I was using, herbal contraception, Queen Anne's Lace, but I wasn't really, like I think with herbs, there has to be an energetic alignment when you're using them for them to really, you know, fully serve you. So there was a huge part of me that was like, I want a baby emotionally, but mentally, I was like, no. No. No. No. No. So my body picked up on that, and I got pregnant. And found out when I was about six weeks along, I was like, oh my god. My period didn't come, but whatever. If if I get pregnant, I'm not ready. I'll just, you know, get an abortion because I didn't think it was a big deal. And, I mean, yeah, that that is always a big deal even if it's, you know, the right choice for you. But, whatever. Anyway, I, I went to a Randalls, like a grocery store. I don't know if they have those all over the place, but in Texas, they do. And I got a pregnancy test, and I was like, I can't wait. And I went to the bathroom, and I took it. And as soon as I started pulling it out of my pee stream, it was, like, positive. And I screamed, like, in the bathroom. I walked out. The pharmacist is like, ma'am, are you okay? And I was like, don't talk to me. And, I went to my car, called my friends, was like, oh my god. What do I do? And everyone that I talked to, I just kind of immediately was like, yes. I'm pregnant, but I'm taking care of it. Don't worry. Like, I'm not having a baby. I can't have a baby. And I I told my son's father, and he was like, oh, okay. What do you wanna do? And I told him, and he was like, well, whatever your choice is, I support you. And it took one of my best friends, coming to me and saying, well, you know, if you wanna have a baby, like, I'll I'll help you raise him. I'll be there for you. And I was like, what? She was like, yeah. It's your choice. You don't have to just because you're my body, my choice doesn't mean you have to choose termination. In my mind, I was like, woah. Like, that just didn't click for me because I still felt like such a child. You know? What right did I have to have a baby right now? You know? And I I remember I came home from I went and got some body work done, and I came home from it. And I was like, alright. I'm gonna meditate and, like, try to talk to whatever spirit is here. And I sat down and I asked, is anyone here with me that's supposed to be born? And I got, like, full body chills from my feet all the way up to my head, and I had this super vivid vision of me holding this blonde haired little boy and us looking at each other and laughing. And I started crying, and I was like, fuck. Like, I guess I have to have a baby now.
Speaker 2
Oh my god. Wow.
Speaker 3
And, so then I my son's father and I, you know, he ended up leaving to go do something like an internship that summer, and I, you know, hadn't told him that I'd made up my mind to keep the baby yet. And when he went back to his internship, I got a really long text message from him the next day that said a lot of very hurtful things. The most being, if you, you know, are thinking about having this baby and locking me into a quarter million dollar obligation for the next eighteen years of my life, you don't know what love is. Yeah. I think he struggled a lot with his parents, and they never really approved of me and all that. So, yeah, after that, I was just, like, on my own. I would try really hard to get him to, you know, be involved and whether it was with me or without me romantically, I just wanted him to be a part of this baby's life. And it was very like doctor Jekyll and mister Hyde for a long time. One minute, he would be supportive, and I'm your friend, and I'm here the next minute. I don't know. It's just he would find something to be unhappy with me about. And it's very tumultuous. So it's really sad, a lot of that pregnancy. It was also super weird because I was, like, twenty one, and all of my friends were not having kids. They were in mosh pits and playing shows and going to house parties. And, I mean, I did go see Tool when I was six months pregnant. That was pretty awesome. I, like, hung off of, like, a rafter in, like, a the crowd at, what's it, Voodoo Fest in New Orleans. So he got his fair share of hearing stuff. But, you know, I'm not going out and doing stuff that I used to. So I just was going to school part time and being pregnant. It took a while for my mom and I to get to be on good terms because and that was a really hard thing for me because she I think she she's a very regretful person, so she saw a lot of, like, what she went through with me. I was a one night stand baby. I was not planned. I was going to be terminated. And then she started bleeding the day before her appointment, went to the hospital, saw my heartbeat, and was like, oh, I guess I'm having a baby. Like so but I think she looks at her life with me, and I know she loves me, but she saw all the things that she didn't get to do. And so then she saw that playing out within me. And in in my heart, I just was like, no. Like, I feel like this baby is here to allow me to do all the stuff that I wanna do. Like, I've been so broken and lost and avoiding trauma for so long, and now I'm here and fully in my body. Mhmm. So, yeah, we just had a very different perspective on my choice for a long time, and she eventually came around. And I was working with the midwife. The concept of rebirth was not even in my arena at all, but I grew up with a mom who was kind of hip to holistic medicine and stuff. So I was like, well, what's the crunchy version of an OB? Oh, a midwife. Like, I'll go do that. So I hired a midwife, and she actually worked with a friend of mine the year before who had the only friend I had that had had a baby. And, she I I had, like, a lot of she also had a baby very young and had a tumultuous relationship with her baby's father. So we bonded a lot in that sense. And when she was
Speaker 2
oh god.
Speaker 3
I was, like, four months pregnant, I think. And she called me one day and let me know, like, hey. I just found out I have breast cancer. And I was like, oh, shit. Okay. And she said, I have this student who just finished her training with me. Like, are you okay with her being your full time midwife? I'll come to appointments when I can. And then I have this doula who was about to start her apprenticeship with me, but I can't really fully do that. So she'll just kinda be along for the ride. Like, basically getting three wise women for the price of one. And I was like, okay. That's just pretty rad. Like, especially considering I felt so alone. So I had physically Man,
Speaker 2
like, what are you gonna say to that?
Speaker 3
Right. Yeah.
Speaker 2
No. You'd be like, no.
Speaker 3
I know in my mind, I'm like, fuck. Yeah. Like, this is awesome. So, yeah, I just go about being pregnant and, you know, they they didn't really push anything on me. They're pretty they're, CPMs. So they just do home births. They didn't work in birthing centers or anything. So they were, you know, the the most crunches, radical midwives town. So I remember being, like, forty two weeks in a couple of days and being like, oh, you know, when is this baby gonna come? And they were like, I know we can maybe try to do some stuff to help with, you know, getting things moving. And I went to go see this really interesting, woman who did acupuncture. And she had, like, a shit ton of birds in her house. It was super weird because I don't I don't like it. Flag. But I was like, whatever. It's Austin. There's weird hippies and they're, like, everywhere. So who am I to judge? And I remember she did some acupuncture on me, and she's like, we don't usually hit these spots because, you know, it can get things going, but we wanna get things going. And I was like, okay. And I remember getting off that table and my belly had dropped, like, three inches. And I was like, Now knowing what I know, I'm like, maybe it was already gonna happen. And, like, my in my head, I was I don't know. Yeah. Open to it. So I went home, and I was walking, and my water started to to trickle. I thought I was peeing myself at first, and I was like, wait a minute. No. That's my water is off. So so start walking home, and I go to my apartment. I lived in this, like, old school apartment that's got, like, the garages on the bottom, and all the apartments are up top. And the only way to get upstairs is a spiral staircase, which is important to know later on. So I go in there, my one bedroom, super tiny apartment, and I call my midwives. I call my mom and my grandma and my friends. And I'm like, alright. Baby's coming. Like, let's do it. So I have two midwives, my mom, my grandmother, my friend, her son, and my other friend. What? Amy asked
Speaker 2
How did your midwife not say that was a bad idea?
Speaker 3
I don't know. I think I don't know. She I'm very stubborn, so maybe she just was like, she's not gonna listen to me if I say, like, that's a not too much, but I don't know. Yeah. I I also know knowing what I know now about birth, I'm like, why the fuck didn't she tell me? Like, no. You know? But so I my labor has picked up, like, super fast. I didn't have, like, this, you know, building gradual labor where everything got stronger and more rapid. It was just, like, super, super heavy contractions every two minutes. And I remember there was this one point before I was, like, really in it. I had a camera out, and I was trying to show one of my friends, like, can you take pictures? This is how the camera works. And my midwife, like, one of them took it from me and was like, you don't need to be worrying about that right now. And it seems like such an insignificant detail, but I felt so, like, like, just, woah. That wasn't necessary. This is my birth. It just felt really weird and, like, violating and
Speaker 2
It is weird.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I was like, I just wanted my friend to take pictures. You know? Like, I don't have a partner here to do that. So
Speaker 2
I can't think of any context where that would be, like, a kind and loving thing to say to someone.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I mean, I guess in her head, she was like, I want you to, like, get into the labor space, but, like Fuck off. Yeah. So, yeah, I I really got into it, and it was just, you know, in and out of the shower, walking around for a very long time. It was about twenty four hours at my apartment, just constant sensation after sensation. And I would get really tired, but I couldn't sleep because the sensations were so strong. I would get in the shower. It would kinda help. And then, like, I would wanna eat, and they were like, well, you can't really eat very much. So I remember the only things that I ate were, like, four Cheez Its, two chunks of pineapple, and a couple spoonfuls of yogurt because that was all I was allowed to eat. And they were very nervous the whole time because, my waters had started to release. And, you know, if they're open for longer than twenty four hours, they have to transfer me into the hospital.
Speaker 2
These are your crunchy hands off midwives. Right?
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. And so I I remember I went into labor at, like, two PM on a Monday, and then around eight AM on Tuesday, I'm, like, fucked up. I'm so tired. I'm so hungry. I'm so over it. Like, everyone's kind of freaking out, and they're like, why isn't the baby here already? Ew. And then the doula, who was just kind of along with the ride, she came and she was, like grabbed me. She's like, let's, like, start walking and do some, like, big squatting lunges. Let's go around walk around the block, and I'm just, like, pissed. I'm like, now my labor has stalled. I say it in quotations. So she's like, we gotta get it going again. And I'm walking around the block with my doula just cussing out the world. Like, this is fucking bullshit. Why isn't your fucking baby here? Like, blah blah blah. I'm all pissed off. And my midwives are like, we could call the acupuncturist to come back out and kinda help speed things along because you're really not, like, very dilated at all. I don't remember them doing cervical checks on me, but I know that they did. But there's no, like, visual memory. And then so the acupuncturist came back out, put some needles in me, left, and then it was just like a fucking boulder was hitting my body. And I was having huge sensations, and they're checking me with the heart rate monitor. And the energy just, like, very suddenly shifts, and they're like, yeah. His heart rate's really dipping a lot. We have to call EMS. Oh, boy. Like, what? Like, real is he okay? And in my mind, I'm like, I'm so tired at that point. All I could think of is, like, is my baby okay? And they're they're kind of I don't really remember what they said to me. But they were just like, you know, we we just need to get things we just need to get to the hospital. And so I remember next thing I know, there's, like, six firefighters in my apartment, and there's an EMS truck outside. And they get me the spiral staircase was kind of a problem because how do you get someone on a stretcher down a spiral staircase?
Speaker 2
So Why are you on a stretcher?
Speaker 3
Protocol, I guess. I don't fucking know. So have you ever seen, like, a beached whale removed from the shore? They they put it on this, like, giant tarp. They, like, roll it onto it, and then No. They did not do that. Yes.
Speaker 2
Why didn't you just walk down the fucking stairs? I don't humiliating.
Speaker 3
Yeah. It was awful. And I'm like I've literally rolled up like a fucking taco, and they're all, like, going down the staircase, grunting at
Speaker 2
each other. Couldn't walk?
Speaker 3
Everyone in my apartment complex is peeking outside. They're like, what's going on? My mom is crying. My friends are crying. And I'm just like, I don't even fucking care anymore. I'm just Oh. Whatever. Oh. And I get in the ambulance, and my midwife, the one that took over for the main midwife, pops in with me. And she had been, like, holding she had when we were in the apartment, she had her hand inside me, and she was holding the baby back. What I remember her telling me was I'm trying to prevent him from coming down because his head is twisted and, like
Speaker 2
Oh, god.
Speaker 3
That's gonna make his heart rate go down. So I
Speaker 2
Blah blah blah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I rode to the hospital Oh, no. Which I thought was just a crazy funny story for such a long time, and now I'm like, what the fuck? I rode to the hospital on a stretcher with the EMS lady asking me all these questions and my midwife's hand just, like, in me Ew. The whole time.
Speaker 2
Oh my god. Your poor son.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And I just was like at the time, I didn't see it as a problem. I actually found out years later, she told me, like, last year, because I saw her again. She said, oh, yeah. We thought his cord was prolapsing. So I was trying to hold space between the
Speaker 2
four so dumb.
Speaker 3
And I'm like, I know in my head, like, what I know about birth. I'm like, if there's cord prolapse, they'd always tell you to put your butt up in the air. And, like, I don't remember that being told to me, so I don't know.
Speaker 2
Who knows? Also, I love the, like, hurry up and have a baby. Oh, wait. I'm gonna hold your baby in.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Right?
Speaker 2
It's sick. Them.
Speaker 3
I think if they would have just fucked off with the heart rate monitor and and didn't have to do that for their licensing, like, I would have just had to be
Speaker 2
They were over it. They were over it. You know? They were over it. They didn't want you there anymore. You were outside the realms of normal for them. You were past forty two. They were already fudging that.
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Then your waters were open, had the nerve to be open for, you know, over twenty four. Mhmm. You know, vibes are not good. Get you out of there. It's just not it's they're over it.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Ugh. Brutal. Okay. So what happens?
Speaker 3
So I get to the hospital, and they take me to this room and this, like, middle aged, like I'm a very tall woman and this, like, middle aged five foot two man comes in. He's like doesn't even ask me my name, just looks at my chart and goes, oh, so a home birth transfer. We're doing a c section today. And I look at him, and I said, no, dumbass. Like, I don't know. My head, I said dumbass. I was super angry. I don't know if I actually said that to him, but I'm like, no. Like, I'm I'm having my baby vaginally. Like, there's no reason to give me a c section. And so so he's in and out of the room, in and out. And I have this nurse who apparently like, my midwives have a relationship with the that labor and delivery departments. They're like, we've never seen her before. And she's, like, being so by the book bitchy and controlling with me. She's like, oh, you you know, you have to get in the bed. And I'm like, go fuck yourself. I'm not doing that. And she's like, well, I have to monitor the baby at blah blah. And I'm like, no. His baby's fine. Like, we checked when his we got years. Heart rate went totally back to normal. The only problem is my sensation stopped, which, of course, they did. Like, look at what I just went through. You know? And, so they talked me into pitocin. I'm like, okay. And at that point, I'd been in labor for, like, thirty three hours. And so then I'm on a pitocin drip for about three hours, and I'm like, no again, no sleep, no food. I'm been through this trauma of being transferred to the hospital, and I am, like, really suffering through these pitocin contractions. They're awful. And this nurse is, like, telling me that they don't have a wireless monitor, so they have to do this thing in bed. And I'm like, no. And she goes, well, then I'm gonna turn your pitocin off if you don't get in the bed. And I'm like, oh, okay. And she finally I remember at one point, she was like, we really don't have those sticky monitors that they use. Like, you're just you're gonna have to just do what I tell you. And I go, that sounds like a you problem, not a me problem. So Oh my god. Go fucking find one. She comes back to put the wireless monitor on my stomach. She goes, I need to exfoliate your stomach, like, to make sure it sticks. So she pulls out a piece of sandpaper Mhmm. And just fucking goes to town, rubbing my skin completely raw. And I'm just I remember at one point, I, like, collapsed on the ground. And now that I've had three children, I'm like, oh, I was totally in transition and about to have my baby. Because I'm like, I can't. I can't do it. I'm screaming. I feel like I'm just from the bottom being completely ripped open. And one of my midwives, like, descends next to my shoulder and goes, you know, you've already proven that you're a badass to everyone. I think that you should really get the epidural so that you can get some sleep because you're not gonna have enough energy to push your baby out if you don't.
Speaker 2
Yeah. The classic CPM line.
Speaker 3
No. This was my midwife, not the one at the hospital.
Speaker 2
I know. I said sorry. PM.
Speaker 3
You said c other than c n m.
Speaker 2
This is what they do.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
They take you on as a home birth. They transfer you, and then they whisper in your ear on the fucking gurney in the hospital, sweetheart, you should just get the epidural. You're just not gonna have enough energy to push. This is a classic line that midwives say. It's so disgusting.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. And that just that moment, like, killed me. It just everything you know, I felt like I fought so hard against so many people that didn't want me to have this baby to bring him here, and I was just like, I fucking give up.
Speaker 2
Like, imagine imagine if she had said, I believe in you. You're so close. You've worked so hard for this. Your baby wants to be born. You hang in there. I'm here with you. Like, is that so hard for a fellow woman to say to a birthing mom? Why is that almost never what I hear from mothers that their midwives say? Yeah. You know?
Speaker 3
Mhmm. It's crazy. It is crazy. It's like, you know, here I was thinking I have three wise women Right. To support me, and I'm, like, not not one of you is really having my back. The the doula was, like, cussing out the nurse, which is pretty funny. But, like, yeah. I I yeah. It was really awful. So I get the epidural. First one doesn't work. They have to give me, like, another dose of it because the first one just makes me incapable of moving that I can feel everything. And as soon as I get it, I, like, roll. My eyes roll back in my head, and I just pass the fuck out.
Speaker 2
Yeah.
Speaker 3
And I wake up to like, I'm super blurry, and I just hear that same nurse who's pissing me off the whole time going, okay. Push. And I'm like, what? And my midwives are like, can you give her a second to wake up, please? Like, now now they get the shit out. And the nurse is like, well, you know, doctor so and so has to go in for a c section in about thirty minutes, so Savannah needs to, like, baby before then. So, you know, let's get it going. And I'm like, I can't feel anything. She's like, well, you're having contractions. And I'm like, I can't feel anything. So you wanna turn my epidural off? Like, maybe I can try to start pushing. And she's like, okay. Sure. So they turn it off. I'm like, it's so weird because I'm just like I feel nothing, and I'm sitting there. And someone will go, alright. You have a contraction. Bear down. I'm like, okay. Like, what am I what am I doing? Is it working? I have no idea. I'm on my back, of course. And she comes back in. She's like, well, the doctor had to go in for that c section, so you need to stop pushing. And I was like, fuck over it at that point. I just tell her get the fuck out, and don't ever come back in my room. And then shift change happens, and then one of the staff midwives comes on, takes over the OB. She comes into the room. She's like, you wanna get this baby out? And I'm like, okay. Yeah. Sure. And she's like, did you turn your epidural off? She and I go, yeah. She says, good. She gets, like, a birthing bar on the foot of the bed, and they get me up, and I'm squatting. And she's telling me, like, give me, like, two little pushes down into the left and just, like, completely managing everything. But I also am like, I don't know what's going on. I'm just mindlessly bearing down for three hours. And finally, he starts to come out, and she's like, grab your baby. And I grab him, and I get off from squatting. And I'm on my back again, and I'm holding him. I never ever forgot that smell. It's like hot oyster brine. It's just been, like, sitting in some vessel for so long, and that was all I could think was, like, the smell. And I was just I looked at him, and I was like, I knew him my entire life. And I was like, I know. I'm sorry. That fucking sucked. And he just cried and cried and yeah. My postpartum was super difficult physically because three hours of forced pushing and all of that crazy BS that I had to deal with, and I just, like, blew myself out completely. Mhmm. I, like, could barely walk for three weeks.
Speaker 2
And women think that that's just childbirth.
Speaker 3
Right. You know? And then some part of me was like, you know, these I'm, like, proud of how much pain I'm in because I'm like, I worked so hard to get him here, and, like, I endured so much crap. And, like, this is, you know, I don't know, my battle scars, which is Mhmm. Awful. Like, I don't
Speaker 2
That's kind of the framing, you know, culturally.
Speaker 3
Yeah. For sure. So yeah, that was at birth. I had the sweetest postpartum emotionally with him. I was just in my little cocoon totally by myself except for my grandma would come a lot. My mom came occasionally. I had a postpartum doula that came, and she made, like, Ayurvedic foods and did, like, oil massages and stuff. And I was super excited for her, and she got there and was begging me all this food, and I was like, I want fried chicken. I don't want this fucking shit. I don't want these weird seed oil massages. Like, they make me smell, like, sushi. Like, I just want fried chicken and a milkshake. I don't care.
Speaker 2
Do my laundry. Yeah. Oh, that's funny.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So I just I just was in my little cocoon with him, And I was alone, but I kinda liked it because of how invaded my space was during that period. Yeah. It's nice to just be me and him just snuggling all the time. Yeah. So the next, like, gosh, five years was just me being a single mom. I really leaned into the, like, single mom martyr persona kind of, like, I am going to push myself twice as hard and do twice as much, and somehow that's a testament to my worth. You know? I think that the pain that I felt from the separation, not only the romantic separation, but, like, the complete, like, absence of his father was just, like, so hard. So I was like, I have to prove myself. I didn't really know to who to everyone, but I just had to. Mhmm. And, Wayland is my son's name, and he his father came and went and came and went. And, eventually, when he was, like, two, he moved to Austin and started being a more steady presence in his life. And I went to school. I was working in restaurants. I was a stripper for a little while, which was terrible.
Speaker 2
Wow.
Speaker 3
I thought that, you know, I was really on that, like, super woke leftist, like, shoving bisexuality in your face because that gives me power, like
Speaker 2
Mhmm.
Speaker 3
Bandwagon. And
Speaker 2
It's empowerment to be paid to take your clothes off at night.
Speaker 3
Right? Exactly. It's empowerment to be, like, fetishized and grabbed and Oh, gosh. Assaulted and yeah. Look. It was awful. I wasn't a very good stripper either because I scared the shit out of everyone else. I was like, all these you know, everyone's into, like, you know, big luscious curves and trap music. And I'm like, I'm gonna do the rock and roll stripper thing. So I wore, like, super tall heels and dark makeup, and all the men were just terrified of me.
Speaker 2
Just, like, whipped whipped all the guys in the audience.
Speaker 3
I literally had a whip. I literally had a whip. Yeah. I can see that.
Speaker 2
I'm tuning in. I'm I'm really picturing it. Oh my god. Okay. So how long did you do that? And then, like, did you end it because you realized it was absolute self loathing nonsense?
Speaker 3
Yeah. I did it for about a year consistently. And then A
Speaker 2
long time?
Speaker 3
Yeah. Consistently being, like, you know, five times a month because you make a good amount of money when you do it. But then I just stopped making money, and I think because there was a part of me that was, like, super bitter about the whole thing, and I just felt, like, gross. And part of me was like, yes. I feel empowered. And the other part was like, well, now I'm not making as much money, and I'm putting all this effort in. Like, why? Like, it's just making me feel like shit about myself because I'm measuring my worth based on how much money I'm making every night. Yikes. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Well and the way in which you're making the money. It's not like you're like
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. And I I mean, I got a little further dipped my toes in the sex work pond beyond the club. And
Speaker 2
How could you not, really? Yeah. It's That's the track.
Speaker 3
It's the gateway to
Speaker 2
the Totally. I mean, more money. Right?
Speaker 3
Right.
Speaker 2
And if you could do that, could you do this? Maybe you could do this. Of course. That's how it goes. Yeah. Oh, I'm so glad you survived and got out.
Speaker 3
Me too. I I could've gotten a lot worse. I don't really remember the specific breaking point for me. I mean, I got assaulted one night, at the club by a guy. I just I remember, like, I went a couple more times after that, and I was like, what I can't I can't do this anymore. So I stopped. Yeah. And then and then totally happened, and all that crazy shit. So I was just, you know, at home with my kid for a while. I focused a lot more. I've been in a band since he was two and really, like, threw myself into that. I was fronting the band singing and songwriting, and we were gigging super regularly. And I was like, well, I'll just do this and whatever. I'll try to get a job at a venue. So I got a job at a venue, and then COVID happened, so it shut down. And then, like, three months into the pandemic, they called me and they're like, hey. Like, I know you were in it to do booking and promotions and all that. We don't really need that. We do need someone to, like, we need someone to be, like, ground security and make sure everyone is sitting down and keeping their mask on.
Speaker 2
Oh, god.
Speaker 3
And I was like, okay. Yeah. Sure. It took me a while to, like, really get into, like, how much of a crazy shit show bullshit all of that was. But yeah. So I was the mask police for a while, which sucked.
Speaker 2
Look. You got there eventually. Okay?
Speaker 3
Yeah. I did. You
Speaker 2
found us.
Speaker 3
I did. I just am like, you know, I look back and I'm like, damn it. And I wonder how many people, like, have seen me in Austin since then and been like, she's the one. So I need to put my mask on or whatever. But, yeah, that was that was crazy. I met my husband there, though, so that
Speaker 2
was like Something good came out of it.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I remember walking up to him at the bar. He was a bar back, and I was doing security, and he was I was like, oh, like, he's hot. Like, he looks so familiar, though. And I walked up to him, and I was like, what's your name? He said, oh, I'm Andrew. And I was like, okay. Cool. Later on the night after a couple of drinks, I'm like, do I know you from somewhere? He goes, yeah. I think we matched on Tinder, like, a year ago.
Speaker 2
Oh god. I was so hoping you weren't gonna say he was at the strip club.
Speaker 3
Oh my god. No. He's I was
Speaker 2
like, I hate the story if that's where it's going.
Speaker 3
No. No. No.
Speaker 2
No. Okay. That's cute.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And I remember I was like, oh my god. I remember seeing him on Tinder at my friend's house and, like, swiping. I'm like, ugh. Loser. Loser. Loser. And then I saw him, and I was like, then I dropped my phone because I was like, that's the most gorgeous man I've ever seen in my life. What? And I messaged him and said he looked like a a young Ozzy Osbourne in his picture with his crazy hair, and he never said anything back
Speaker 2
to me. Ew. What was his excuse?
Speaker 3
He said that he never really messaged anyone back. He was Forever. Whatever. But, yeah, I don't maybe he's not, like, super into heavy metal the way that I am. He probably thought me saying he looked like Ozzy Osbourne was an insult. In my mind, it was compliments.
Speaker 2
I mean, that that was my thought as well. Like, that's like a that's a strong opening line.
Speaker 3
Yeah. It is. But, look at me. I'm a pretty strong
Speaker 2
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I cannot picture what a young Ozzy Osbourne looks like. I'm gonna have to I'm gonna have to look it up after this. Okay. So that's adorable. Do you guys immediately start dating?
Speaker 3
We start partying at the bar after we close down, hooking up and stuff. Well,
Speaker 2
actually on, obviously.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Actually, it
Speaker 2
was all Do you did you catch when that people were having sex with masks on?
Speaker 3
No. But I
Speaker 2
was surprised. Some of my single friends during that time were, like, telling me that there was, like, this whole, like like, subdivision, I don't know what to call it, of the tender stuff that was, like, hardcore maskers. And they would meet up and have sex and keep their freaking masks on. Isn't that amazing? I love that so much.
Speaker 3
It's so ridiculous. One of my exes is a friend of mine said once, he who wears mask alone in car also wears condom alone in bed.
Speaker 2
Oh, god.
Speaker 3
Oh, god.
Speaker 2
It's basically the exact same thing.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Exactly.
Speaker 2
Okay.
Speaker 3
Anyway, so the first night that we hang out before we ever hook up, like, we're really just hanging out one on one. We're listening to Prince for, like, hours in my backyard just, like, drinking, and then I take him into my bedroom. I pull out he He thinks they're gonna hook up, and I pull out a bag of mushrooms. I'm like, gonna need some mushrooms. He's like, okay. We stay up all night talking, and, he comes over a couple times after that, and he knows I have a kid. You know, it's Waylon. I think he was three at that point. And one night he comes over. I'm like, hey. Waylon's here, but he's asleep in, you know, the room. So just just so you know. And he spent the night. And I guess that just went over his head because the next morning, we wake up to Waylon coming in and, like, jumping on bed being like, I don't exist. And it, like, super weirded him out because he wasn't ready prepared for it. So then he ghosted me for, like, two weeks. And
Speaker 2
But, also, you guys are still young.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Right?
Speaker 3
We were
Speaker 2
Like, he's not like a grown ass man yet.
Speaker 3
No. No. No. No. No. No. Definitely not.
Speaker 2
Because I'm gonna give a twenty five year old a pass on being freaked out. I would not give a thirty five year old man a pass.
Speaker 3
No. No. No. No. And I mean, like, the situation, it wasn't too late. Maybe if I had, like, planned to go meet him with him, I don't know, it'd be less awkward. But he also just, like, came in in the morning and was like, I want that to
Speaker 2
be weird. You're he's this guy is dating a mother.
Speaker 3
Yeah. No. It's definitely not weird.
Speaker 2
But he's twenty five, so pass.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Exactly. So, he ghosts me. We don't hang out again, but we work together, like, several days ago. So I'm like, fuck you, loser. Yeah. He 's, like, trying to be all jokey with me at work, and I'm like, no. I'm not even giving you the time of day. So
Speaker 2
But I will marry you.
Speaker 3
Actually, spoiler alert. One day after work, I was, like, such a bitch about it. I was like, I'm gonna I'm gonna hook up with his friend that works at the bar and get back at him. Oh, dear. I I didn't actually I mean, we, like, made out, but nothing else happened. But he found out about it and asked if he could talk to me one day and was like, I'm really sorry about the way I handled things. It was really immature, and I just needed time to, like, think about everything. Yeah. Can we talk? And I'm like, yeah. Whatever. Fine. He's like, I really, really like you. I just, like I didn't know he was there. And I was like, what do you mean I told you? And he's like, no. You didn't? And I was like, yes, ma'am. And then, you know, he's like, but regardless, you know, I I know that Wayland is a huge part of your life, and I hold back because I didn't wanna intrude and get, like, into your life if I wasn't prepared to be, like, a healthy presence. Like, I didn't wanna, like I don't know. Get in the way. I didn't wanna, like, detract from your life as a mom, and I didn't wanna just insert myself because I was feeling Blah blah. Lusty. Whatever.
Speaker 2
Just like
Speaker 3
Not like a kiss by boy stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, can we hang out again? I'm like, maybe. And, he asked me what I'm doing one night, and he, he comes over and we hang out, and I, like, really laid down the lawn. You're not gonna waste my time. I'm a mom. This is who I am. Blah blah blah. I'm a bad bitch. I do it all by myself. Like, don't fuck up my shit, but I'll hang out with you because I think you're cute. And he's like, yeah. Absolutely. And then, you know, he was we were just like that. We fell in love super, super fast. I mean, we were talking about getting married and having kids, like, within a month of us dating. But it was also, like, COVID dating, so we saw each other every single day. And it wasn't, you know, spaced out the way it might have been if we met before. And he ends up moving in with me, like, three months into our relationship. And then all this crazy stupid shit happens at the place that we're working. I end up getting fired from that venue because I was essentially the scapegoat for a lot of fucked up things that the owners of that bar were doing to musicians that were playing there, like stealing money from them and just being dishonest about a lot of things. And I don't know. I just got tired of it. I wasn't getting paid enough. So I end up getting we get engaged, and then I get pregnant. I remember I took a pregnancy test one day, and I was like, no. It's negative. And I was like, why am I sad about that? And he was like, why am I sad about that? And I was like, okay. Let's let's do it. Let's try to make a baby. And we do it immediately. I'm like, what the fuck did I just do? Like, Like, we're supposed to be getting married in four months. So I'm like, okay. I guess I just wait until, you know, we'll see what happens. I thought I was gonna take a plan b, but then, apparently, if you've already ovulated, it doesn't matter, which I didn't know that until then. Sure enough, eight weeks later, I'm pregnant. And I'm like, alright. We're having a baby. And I feel like I told Andrew a lot about my past with my first pregnancy, and I was like, you know, I'm really scared about feeling alone again. And, like, I really wanna feel celebrated, and I wanna feel like what I'm doing is special and important. And, he was like, I totally get you. But there was just something I don't know if it was, you know, his age. Despite how much he wanted a baby, he was kinda shut off from it and kinda shut off for me. And and I was also kinda shut off from it. Like, I felt this huge connection with Waylon when I conceived him, and I didn't feel anything with this baby. I was just like, who who is this? You know? And so my pregnancy with him was very hard physically and emotionally. There was a lot of, conflict and strife between me and Andrew. There was conflict with friends in my life. Stuff wasn't working out well with my band. It was just I mean, we were playing awesome shows despite me being huge, but I was so I was just so unhappy. And all this crazy shit happened. Like, my landlord committed suicide. I rented from, like, an older couple, and, like, it was kinda suspicious what happened. And then, like, my dog who was two years old got juvenile bone cancer out of nowhere and, like, died suddenly. And Andrew's grandpa died, and it was just like death everywhere. And I was super paranoid the whole time that I I was gonna lose this baby. But I thought in my mind, it's because my aunt had a stillbirth a few years before that. So I was like, that's just what's on my mind. You know? And I had the same midwife again, and she was always like, you're super healthy. Like, nothing bad's gonna happen. I'm sure everything's gonna be fine.
Speaker 2
This idea that if you're healthy, babies don't die is so, it's so fucked up and backwards because then when babies do die, what's that messaging to those mothers?
Speaker 3
Exactly. Yeah. It wasn't something that I was really permitted by anyone to, like, entertain the idea of, which I think is super important if you're having a baby.
Speaker 2
Duh. Yeah.
Speaker 3
So, yeah, I just kind of moved through everything, and I was so sad. And I just I felt, like, so hard and so just like, I didn't know who this baby was. I couldn't connect with him. I couldn't connect with my partner. I couldn't connect with anyone. And I felt like I was literally and figuratively screaming all the time. Like, I just don't wanna fight anymore. Everything in my life is just a fight to figure out what's going on. You know? And so on my forty week date, I it was just a regular day. We were going out to run errands, and I remember going to get in my car. And there was a little ladybug on the hood of my car, but it didn't have any spots on it. And for some reason now I know. I just it made me feel, like, super uneasy when I saw it. Like, the first thing I thought was somebody's gonna die today. And I was like, woah. That's fucked up. I'm just gonna put that away and ignore that thought. And so we get in the car. We're running errands, and I kinda felt like he wasn't moving as much the whole day, but, you know, I was like, I'll just check with the doppler when I get home. I got one of those beetle dopplers, and I checked all the time because I was always, like, super freaked out. And so we come home. I take a shower. It's, like, six PM on a Saturday, and I checked his heart rate, and it was, like, one fifty four. Sounded super normal. I was like, okay. Maybe I'm just you know, he's dropping, and I'm super big. He's just in a weird position. I'm not moving that much. So then we go to dinner with my mom and my sister, and this big stupid fight erupts between my mom and my sister and I. It was ridiculous. So dumb, and it was so dramatic. And, you know, that carries over into me and Andrew having an argument, and, like, we get home later that night, and I just tell him to leave because I'm like, I I just go. Like, you can come like, I don't care if you come back later. I'm just I need to be alone. So he leaves, and I get into bed, and it's, like, two in the morning. And I'm like, I really have not felt him move in a long time. And so I get the doppler, and I put it on, and, like, all I can hear is just static. And I could always find his heartbeat super quickly, so I was I start freaking out. Call my midwife. She's like, drink some orange juice. Wait a few minutes. See. And if I see if anything happens. And I'm like, no. Like, nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. She goes, okay. Like, meet me at the hospital. So I get my son who's five and a half now. I put him in the car. I called Andrew, and I was like, where are you? I'm picking you up. We're going to the hospital. And I pick him up on, like, the side of the road, and he just left his car there because he was driving to, I don't know, a friend's house or something to go stay there. We get to the hospital. He's like, you go inside. I'll go park the truck. So I'm walking into the hospital. I walk up to the desk. I'm I'm freaking out. I'm like, I can't find my baby's heartbeat. I can't find it. I'm like, okay. We'll call L and D. So they get a security guard to come down, and I'm walking down the hall with him. And he's like, you know, sometimes babies just get into funny positions. I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Like, that has that has to be it. And they take me to this little super dark room, the sonogram machines, and I lay down. And in my head, I'm like, there's no way. There's no way. Everything's fine. It's just he's in a weird position. And the nurse looks, and I see her, like, go over his heart, like, where his heart is, and it's just like a black hole. It's just not moving. And I just felt like everything drop out of me. And I'm like, no. No. No. And she doesn't even say anything. She just starts crying, and she's like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And, like, I can't say anything other than no, and I'm, like, screaming and crying no over and over again. And, you know, all the midwives and the OBs on staff take turns coming in, and they're all so sweet to me. They don't say any like, I've seen so many stories of awful things that are said to women when they find out that their baby's gone. All they would say is, I'm so sorry, and they would just cry and hold me. And my midwife got there, and I was like, I want you to look because I don't trust these people. I want you to look. And she looks, and she's like, I'm so sorry, Savannah. Like, he's gone. He's gone. And I just I just break open. And my, my husband finally comes in, and I look at him. And I just shake my head, and he just falls apart in my arms. And you just sit there crying, and my, somebody called my grandparents at some point, and they show up. And people start getting called, and families start showing up. And the hospital was like, you know, do you do you wanna go home and still have a home birth? And I'm like, no. I I don't want to. This is gonna be hard enough. Like, I what am I gonna do? Wait with my dead baby inside of me? Like, I can't do that. This is too hard already. So they give me servidyl and then pitocin and an epidural. And I called my aunt who lost her baby, and she I told her what happened. She's like, I'm on my way. I'm coming. And it was just this, like, hazy, like, bubble of just, like, love and protection we were in within this room. Like, I've been in, you know, my fair share of hospital rooms, and it was just not they never felt like this. There was, like, something else there. You know? And my aunt came, and she was just, like, this beautiful, like, wise angel just giving me, like, nuggets of wisdom and holding me when I needed to fall apart and pulling me back from the edge when I started going too far into the it's my fault. Like, I killed him, you know, place. And so I, my friend they gave us the room next to us. So all of our friends and family are coming in and out when I asked them. And there was just so much love and support. The people at the hospital just, like, let let me do my thing. And I go to sleep for a couple hours. I wake up till my water's bursting, and I'm just, like, sobbing in between contractions, which I'm still feeling. And I'm just like, I can't do it. I can't I can't push him out and hear nothing. I don't know how to do that. And my aunt says, why don't you talk to him? And at some point after we found out, they asked if we had a name for the baby so we could refer to him as his name throughout the whole process. And I said Ambrose because it was at the top of my list, and I just knew that was it. And so I am talking. I close my eyes, and I start talking to him. And I'm like, I love you. I'm so sorry. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this. And at some point, I just, like, leave my body, and I don't even like, I can feel the contractions coming, but I don't have to make a sound. And I just go somewhere else. And I I felt like I was drifting into this grove of oak trees, and there's, like, leaves all over the ground and, like, a little rope swing. And I see this little boy dancing around who's, like, five years old, and he looks exactly like me and my husband. And I'm like, I know that's him. So I start talking to him, and I'm like, I'm so sorry for whatever I did to cause this. I love you. How do I do this? What do I do? This isn't fair. And I hear this voice, like, so clear. Like, I've meditated. I've had, you know, little visions here and there, but it was it was nothing like this ever in my life. And he says, just listen to the sound of the wind blowing through the trees, mommy, and everything will be okay. And I hear this big gush of wind through this oak grove in my mind. And I'm just like a vessel. Like, I'm saying what's happening and what I'm seeing to everyone in the room, and I feel Ambrose, like, come down and reach his hand through my face to touch my husband's. He says my dad is the strongest man in the world. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm gonna show him that he is. And I asked him why he didn't come here. Why did he choose to stay in the spirit realm? And he says, god gave me a choice, And I knew that if I stayed here, I could love you and teach you and watch over you always. But if I came to Earth, I wouldn't have been able to do that. And I saw my dog that had died, earlier that year, like, jumping around in the grill with him. He goes, oh, I like that dog. She's funny. Everyone in the room is just, like, sobbing, and it's just dead quiet. And, I remember I would, like, periodically stop and turn to my midwife and go, I feel like I just shit myself. Can you check? And she would check and clean me up? And in my head, I see Ambrose go like, at least I don't have to deal with that. Am I right? Like, I don't have to be a human. And so I'm like, okay. Yeah. I'm ready to do this. Like, let's let's do it. And I get up on my hands and knees, and I start pushing. I've given maybe four pushes, and then I feel the OB's hands, like, inside of me. And she's grabbing his head and, like, twisting it and pulling. And I'm like, what are you doing? She says his shoulders are sticky, and I'm like, his head just came out. Like, I've had three contractions stop. And then she pulls him out. But at that point, I'm like, I don't care. You know? And so They
Speaker 2
can't help themselves. It's just wild.
Speaker 3
They can't. It's like, of course, he's taking a little bit to come out. Like, his body isn't working with mine.
Speaker 2
Also, like, if sticky shoulders don't matter, the baby has already passed.
Speaker 3
Exactly. Yeah. It's who we're trying to save.
Speaker 2
Yeah. It's not their frame.
Speaker 3
So they hand him to me, and he just looks like this beautiful little, like, porcelain doll just sleeping. He's the most gorgeous baby I've ever seen. The fucking OB comes up to me, and she's like, you know, I'm having this moment with my baby and my husband, and she's, like, petting me. And she's like, I'm so sorry. Oh. I just wanna let you know in case you have any other children in the future, he did have a touch of shoulder dystocia, so that's something you might wanna look out for.
Speaker 2
Wow.
Speaker 3
I just look at her, and I'm like, I don't fucking care. Like and then
Speaker 2
she Of course. Yeah. She has to say that since you were a home birth transfer.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Was your sense with Ambrose that he passed that day?
Speaker 3
I know he did. Yeah.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Because you had heard his heart the day prior?
Speaker 3
I heard his heart at six PM and by three AM. So
Speaker 2
Oh, okay.
Speaker 3
Nine hours later. Ugh. Yeah. I I felt, like, this kind of, like, walk in my belly, and I was like, that was weird. So I always wonder if that was, like, when he, you know, left. And anyway. So, yeah, we spent the next day just getting to know him in the hospital, holding him, introducing him to our friends, taking pictures, and it was really beautiful and very sweet. And for the hour before the funeral home came to take him, I just my husband and I held him, and we just danced. We put on all our favorite songs for him, and now we have a little playlist we can listen to whenever we want to. And, we take him, and we go home. And I, you know, I I just I felt this really beautiful glow. Like, I my baby was still born. You know? Like, he he still arrived. And there's some weird degree of, like, joy in that with all of the devastation that I was feeling. You know?
Speaker 2
Wow. I'm kind of embarrassed to say this. I've literally never thought of that term. I've always thought of the term stillborn as born still, like born sleeping.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
I literally have never thought about it as stillborn. He was stillborn. Yeah. That's how you meant it. Right?
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
Wow. Mhmm. That's beautiful. Yeah. Thank you for saying it that way.
Speaker 3
You can use it in either way. But
Speaker 2
Totally.
Speaker 3
Yeah. So I just I felt so much joy and gratitude around everything I was feeling. I mean, it was like he came and just cracked me open. Mhmm. That's all I wanted was just being
Speaker 2
And you were in a lot of darkness.
Speaker 3
I was. I really was. And I feel like he just came and, like, gave me my life. Wow. And, of course, you know, I I still miss him. I missed him every day. I sobbed. I cried. I screamed for him, but I didn't necessarily regret it because it was, like, everything that I needed. And I don't feel like he ever was supposed to be here. You know?
Speaker 2
Well, you, like, you you tripped on it the whole pregnancy. That's so that that's not the only time I've heard that with mothers who who lose their babies. Yeah. Many, many, many mothers I've debriefed with over the years will often say, whether it's in hindsight or during, that they always felt like they weren't gonna stay. Not to say, if any of you are listening and you're feeling anxiety about that, that does not mean that this will be your story. You know? Of course not. Most babies will survive and be born alive, and some will not, of course. And so there's a distinction, of course, between, like, lots of moms have anxiety about about it. But but there is something about bereaved moms that often a through line that I have heard is that there was this. Like, it they they couldn't they never felt quite connected. They could never quite see them or feel them like they're living children. There was, like, a mystery to them. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting.
Speaker 3
It felt like he had one foot in and one foot out the whole time, and I didn't feel that with either of my other two babies despite being, like, afraid. You know? Mhmm. So yeah. I started kind of unpacking everything with my birth, like, physically and was like, okay. You know, nothing was wrong with him. Nothing was wrong with me. I did blood tests and all the shit. I didn't do an autopsy because I was just like, no. No. It's not gonna fucking tell me anything anyway. I just know it. And, you know, it's just
Speaker 2
so that to your baby.
Speaker 3
No. No. And, you know, there's a super high percentage of, you know, stillbirths that there's no known cause for. And even if they do say they figure it out, a lot of times, it's just something to give the parents so they have the pleasure.
Speaker 2
You know? There's also a a strong correlation between how a baby physically looks when there is something, like, let's say, off or if there is a, indication in the autopsy. I certainly wouldn't pretend to be an expert on this, but but from what I have personally seen over many years is there is often, a correlation if the baby looks, like, abnormal. And so the babies who are born like those little porcelain perfect sleeping babies, those are not the ones that usually any sort of
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
You know, because if it's like a genetic thing or if it's yeah. You can not even Some I'm not gonna say always, but you can often see, oh, yeah. Something was was not quite right with this baby, in the way that that they were growing.
Speaker 3
Mhmm. Yeah. And just to me, I knew I was like, maybe there was a little physical thing that caused it. Probably there had to be. But in my heart, I just knew he left by choice. It was a spiritual thing. He came here to give me my life, help my husband and I fall back in love with each other again, and just, you know, break off all this shit that wasn't working anymore
Speaker 4
and teach
Speaker 3
me how to really love because I didn't I didn't know what love really was. You know? So, yeah, I started unpacking everything, and I'm like, why am I labeled high risk just because my baby died? You couldn't tell me what was wrong with me or him. So, like, why am I high risk? Why do I have to do a hospital birth? Why you know, I'm asking all these questions, and I remember getting on, like, a subreddit group for women who are trying to conceive after loss, and I posted, like, does anybody go in to have a home birth again? And I was fucking eviscerated. Told me my my baby's my next baby's gonna die. How dare I do that? Like, you know Woah. Etcetera, etcetera. And I was like, woah. And then also just the narrative in a lot of mainstream circles, not by really fault of the women, but just the way our society handles death, especially with babies. Like, the narrative is I'm broken. I'm sad. My life will never be good again. You know? And I I get that. I get feeling that way because holy shit, losing a baby is so hard. But in my mind, I was like, this is the most beautiful thing that's ever happened to me despite how heavy it was. So I just started looking for that community. My aunt told me about the free birth society. First time I heard about it, I was like, that's fucking crazy. And then I looked into it, and I was like, oh my god. Like, yeah. Yeah. And I remember the first story that I listened to on the podcast was Amana's, and I was just in tears. I was like, I've never heard anyone speak about their baby's death with reverence like this. That's what I feel. That's what I know is true. Like so I just you know, I kept pulling on the thread of that sweater and, you know, my whole, construct around life and everything I believe just unraveled in the most beautiful way. And I, signed up for the RBK school because I was like, I know that, like, what I had was special and, like, very important, and this happened to me so that I could serve other women so that I could bring some shred of this to what is inherently a very devastating situation. And then I got pregnant with my third baby about eight weeks after Ambrose was born, which was pretty fast.
Speaker 2
Yeah. I did not realize it was so close.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Wow. Okay. Yeah. I was kinda like, you know, if I if I wait, they could be born around the same time, and I want like, September is, like, that's Ambrose's month. That's it.
Speaker 2
You know?
Speaker 3
And I was just like, I don't really wanna wait, but I don't wanna do it too soon. So I had, like, one period and two fucking insane ovulations where I'm, like, cervical fluid, like, this long hanging out of me. My body's like, give me a baby now. So I was like, you know what? I'm at peace with whatever happens. I've already been through the worst fucking thing in the world. You know? I certainly don't wanna do it again. I'm not gonna pretend like I know what it's like if that happens to me again. Oh, man. Like, I'm the something my aunt told me was the risk of loss is worth the love of the child. And I was like, yeah. And I just told myself that every day. And I got pregnant with him, and, I told my midwife. And I didn't really tell her I wanted to work with her, but she was like, let me know. And then she called me, and she when I was about two months along, and she goes, my breast cancer is back. And I'm like, you know what? Well, first, obviously, I'm like, I'm so sorry. That's awful. But I'm like, you know, I feel like I really need to do this on my own. I just this is baby is for me. And I did all of the things that I was supposed to in my pregnancy with Ambrose. You know, I had a home birth midwife, but I got the anatomy scan. I got sonograms. Never anything weird happened. I took all my vitamins. I did everything I was supposed to. It was on my forty week date. I didn't go wildly over, and, like, this still happened. So, like, don't fucking tell me that any of that shit is ever gonna prevent
Speaker 2
that. Let's let's try it a different way where you don't do all of that. Exactly.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Also, the term, like, prevented stillbirth is just so ridiculous to me. How could you ever know that you stopped that from happening?
Speaker 2
I've never I've never heard that in nonsense terms.
Speaker 3
Oh, I mean, without getting too into it, there's a lot of studies, you know, about stillbirth prevention and how can we, like, decrease the risk. And it's like, how do you even know?
Speaker 2
That makes no sense. It doesn't. You can't say that baby would have died
Speaker 3
Right.
Speaker 2
If we didn't do that. That's inherently flawed.
Speaker 3
Yeah. What? Yeah. It doesn't make sense to me, and I just was like, there's so much more to everything that's happening than the than fucking doctors and scientists, all that bullshit. I'm like, this is spiritual. This is real. God is real. I didn't know that before, and now I know. And, like, I'm like, okay. Let's do it. So I just decided to go through I mean, I don't know. I guess it wasn't technically wild because I had one instance of bleeding. Like, right when the RBK school started, I thought I was having a a miscarriage, but I think it was just a subchorionic hematoma. And my midwife came over and checked with the bowler, and she heard the heartbeat for a second. I was like, well, we're done. And that was it. And then I just walked through pregnancy. I did the RBK school, and it just, like, blew my world apart in the most amazing, awesome, coolest way. And I connected with so many women through it all who just, like I just finally had a community and, like, I don't know. It it was just so right. Everything was so right. And my pregnancy was still very, very hard. I don't, you know, I don't wanna pretend that, you know, I chose this wild pregnancy and it was magical and everything was fine. Like, there was a lot of fear there for sure. Right. But it was just, you know, day after day of feeling him kick or I thought it was a girl. I was a hundred percent sure. And, you know, I I I met this baby. I felt this baby. I thought I I met my spirit daughter in a vision, and she told me her name. And she was coming and all this, and I was like, that is who's here. And I felt that this huge connection, and I just knew this baby's gonna be here. Like, this baby's gonna be here. I just I know. I'm scared, but I know. And I got to about well, I went to the matriarch rising festival, which, you know, I almost gave birth on the side of it, though.
Speaker 2
Wait. What gestation were you at?
Speaker 3
Thirty five. Yeah. Thirty four. Yeah.
Speaker 2
But so many moms, like, not first time moms usually, but, you know, second or thirds, like, they just, like, seem like they're in labor from, like, thirty three, thirty four weeks on.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And
Speaker 2
I actually thought you might drop a baby at MRF.
Speaker 3
I did too because, like, there's some hills on that property, and I was walking and through the mud and everything, it's, like, twice as hard.
Speaker 2
We were, like, holding your back, like, having sensations Yeah. Like, the entire time.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I was like, god.
Speaker 2
But, hey, that's a pretty cool place to have
Speaker 3
a baby. We would
Speaker 2
have taken care of you.
Speaker 3
Oh my god. I kind of I'm like, I wish that would have happened in retrospect. But
Speaker 2
With, like, sister morning stars singing to you?
Speaker 3
Kidding me if I just plop down on stage and have them take care
Speaker 2
of you. Healers.
Speaker 3
God. I remember when I got there, I was setting up my tent, and I noticed that Rebecca Cohen was, like, right behind me. And I was like, yes. Just in case anything happens, like, right in front of you. Yeah. That was, like, the most amazing thing I've ever been to in my life. I felt, I mean yeah. If anyone's ever considering going, do it. It it was it healed me in so many ways. I didn't know I needed to be healed. Just being around women and loved and celebrated. It was like I finally got, like, what I didn't have in, like, any of my other pregnancies, like, there in that space, and it was so beautiful. It was so beautiful. And I came home and I carried that with me, and I told my husband, you know, we either, you know, we're either gonna have another baby or we're getting divorced. Like and, yeah, we end of my pregnancy was emotionally hard because the closer I got to that forty week date, it was just like, ugh. But I decided one day, I was like, you know, I'm I'm not gonna look at this forty week date as, like because I didn't wanna know, but I accidentally saw a piece of like, I saw it on the mid my midwife's paperwork that I had turned in for birth certificate stuff. And so I was like, man, I don't want this day to be devastating. I want it to be and where I'm just sitting in fear the whole day, like, you know, listening with my fetoscope and everything. And and I was like, no. You know what? This is the day in my pregnancy where Ambrose, like, gave me my life. I'm gonna celebrate this day. Yeah. So
Speaker 2
Also, that's your forty weeks with Ambrose is not your forty weeks with this baby. No. Definitely. Love the graduation of from the Doppler to the fetus code. That's so cute.
Speaker 3
I thought it was so sweet, especially because I couldn't really do it very well myself, but my husband would do it. And it was, like, a very sweet way for us to connect. And I only ever I never did it when he wasn't moving because I didn't want it to like, I only did it when I was like, okay. I know he's okay. I want this to be fun, and I would listen. You know? I tried to not, like, feed into the super fearful narratives. I would let myself feel them, but you know? Yeah. So I was, like, forty one and five. I'm cleaning the house, waddling around, eating a fucking shitty chocolate donut from a grocery store. And I'm like, take a picture of me in case this is the last day I'm pregnant. And then I go to sleep, and I wake up at, like, one, and I have this huge contraction. Like, it starts kinda small, and I'm like, oh, okay. I can handle it. And then it just skyrockets, and I slide off my bed, and I scream. And my husband wakes up. He's like, woah. What happened? Woah. Are you shit. It's okay. And I'm like, don't shush me. I'm at labor. And, I the whole time, I'm, like, gaslighting myself. I'm like, this is gonna stop. Any minute, this is gonna stop. I've been, like, in labor for, like, over a month already. Like, whatever. You know? Mhmm. I had lost a tiny bit of my mucus plug the day before, so I was like, maybe. And so I'm having these contractions and walking around. I have him light the candles, call my friend who was supposed to come, but her phone stopped working, so she didn't get the the call. Well But I think it was for the best because I didn't I needed to do that just on my own. And I'm walking back and forth from the shower into my room, putting my music on, just talking to myself and talking myself out of it. And then I go to the shower at one point, and I'm like, I need to rerelate to this. I don't wanna have a painful birth. I don't wanna be someone who screams the entire time. I've never done that with my other two labors. And I have one really beautiful kind of blissful contraction. I'm like, oh, okay. Sweet. And then another one just brings me to my fucking knees. And I hear, like, the sound of, like, a bowling ball splat on my shower. And I'm like, oh my god. And my husband comes running in. He goes, what was that? And I said, I think my water broke. He's like, I heard that from across the house. It was so loud. And so I'm like, okay. Yeah. Baby's coming now. I wake my son up. He comes in. He's kinda sleepy and walking around. And I remember being on all fours looking up at my son, and I'm like, it's okay. And I'm, like, screaming so loud. My eyes are shaking. And I'm like, I just, like, can't get ahead of this pain. Mhmm. And it is so fast. And I run back to the shower. I get on all fours, and I shit everywhere, all over the shower wall.
Speaker 2
It's a good place to do it.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I'm like, Andrew, come and get help. There's shit everywhere. And he comes in, and he's bumbling. Do your part. He's, like, fumbling with his phone. I'm like, I don't give a shit. God. I know. Yeah. And then, he does get a video, which you've seen, which is pretty funny. But I just remember, like, this feeling of, like like, I didn't feel a dissension through the birth canal, which I felt with my other two births. It was like he was in my uterus this whole time, and then he just and his head was out. And I was like, oh my god. And I'm like, what's going on? My husband's, like, between the toilet and the shower. He's like, oh, well, the head's out. I'm like, what? The head's out. Well, fuck. And I'm like, no. I'm not doing it anymore. I quit. But pushing back, like, I'm not in my head. I'm like, I'm done. I can't do it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Mhmm. And I have one more big sensation, and I'm like it's like I don't know if it was the ejection reflex or also me just being done, but I just bared down and pushed. And when the contraction started to go away, I was like, uh-uh. I'm willing another one to come right now because I am fucking done. And I did, and he shot out. My husband caught him and his butt smacked on the floor of the shower, and I'm like, oh, holy shit. And I turn around, and I'm like, give give me give him I I say give her to me because I think it's a girl still. And I'm like, is the cord around me now? Because I can't pull him up. The cord was, like, super short. And I finally get him, and I'm looking at him, and I'm like, oh, that that's a penis. It's not a girl. I think I was lied to by my spirit babies to protect me.
Speaker 2
God lied to me.
Speaker 3
God lied to me. I think it was good, though, because if I would have thought it was a boy, that would have made the whole pregnancy, like, so
Speaker 2
much Complicated. Yeah.
Speaker 3
So, yeah, I don't for so long, I just thought I would have this big, beautiful, like, overwhelming, like, spiritually emotional moment where I look at my baby and cry. Not what happened. I was just, like Yeah. Sober as fuck. Like, I had a friend of mine say she was like, it sounds like your birth with Ambrose was, like, way up here, and this birth brought you way the fuck back down. Yeah. Which I needed.
Speaker 2
I'm sure the tears came later too.
Speaker 3
They yeah. They do. It just I don't know. I'm I'm I've never been one of I've never really been a happy crier, honestly. So I I guess I put a lot of pressure on myself to do that, but it was just this very human physical experience. I'm like, there's blood and shit and a baby, and I'm alive, and that's it. That's all there is.
Speaker 2
That's that's your episode title. It's actually completely perfect, though.
Speaker 3
Oh god. Yeah. My son came in because he missed it, and he goes, supposed to be a girl. I'm like, yeah. Don't tell me. I know.
Speaker 0
And then
Speaker 3
I showed him a few videos before to, like, get him prepared. And he, like, looks down and his eyes light up and he goes, Lucinta. It just, like, comes out of me. He goes, a lot of mischief. That's And I'm like, okay. Like, I feel okay. And I'm like and I immediately go into, like, giving directions. I'm like, you pick that up. You put that in the trash. Somebody put a pad down. I gotta go to the bed. I don't wanna be in the shower anymore, and I get in bed, and I'm just holding him. And I'm like, god. I didn't have any boy names picked out. Like, I I had some that I liked, but I was like, not any of these. So I'm like, what the fuck do I name this baby? And And then this song came on called Jeremiah, and it's by Sierra Ferrell. She's, like, one of my favorite artists. And I was like, woah. That's a really cool name. I always thought of it as some kinda lame biblical name, but now that I'm saying it out loud, I'm like, it's kinda badass. And, we tried it on for a while, and I was like, it's not quite right. So his full name is Jeremiah Rose because I also feel like Ambrose helped me bring him here. And they were literally like Irish twins, basically. Yeah. For real. So yeah. And, my postpartum was really fucking hard. Physically, I think I'm starting to realize now I might have had a cervical tear. I didn't bleed, like, a lot, but I was in so much pain, and I felt like things were hanging out of me for, like, a really long time. And because I dilated so quick I mean, my labor was three and a half hours, so it was super fast. So that was really hard. Also, having two, like, ten pound babies within eleven months is, like, kinda hard on the body. So my pelvis and everything was just like, oh my god. Like, we just ran a marathon. Like and it just took a while for things to come back together, and then, you know, there's the realization that I knew, but now I'm feeling it like that hole that Ambrose left in my soul is never gonna get filled. You know? And I didn't have this baby thinking that would happen, but it just it hits different when it finally happens. You know? And a lot of people also, like, think, you know, we're gonna give you space because, you know, your baby's here. And now that you have your baby here, you know, maybe everything's fine. It's like, no. Yeah. It was just weird. I felt super supported in that pregnancy by my friends and certain people in my family, but my postpartum, it was just like everyone kinda was gone. And I would get, like, one visit a month maybe from people and per person. And I I don't know. It just I didn't have the support that I needed. I didn't have the witnessing that I wanted, but I think that it was kind of because I had a lot of work to still do. Like, I had a lot of I had all these beliefs about my life and what it would look like with a new baby here and integrating my grief in a completely different way. And it was like, cool. You think all these things, and now you have to integrate them. And it was fucking hard. Mhmm. It was really hard. Andrew and I almost split up because it was so hard. And, you know, I I'm always the kind of person that tries to find the beauty and the lessons and everything. So that's what I've tried to do with it. But, yeah, it would have been great if we had more support from our families and just didn't and it it it also kind of pushed me into, like, maybe I really wanna focus on supporting women postpartum and through grief. You know? And
Speaker 2
The irony, though, of that is a postpartum professional would only come when called.
Speaker 3
Right.
Speaker 2
Right? And, you know, I I don't mean this at all as a as a criticism. More just like an observation of of perhaps you and and so many women of, like, you know, like, women don't ask for people to come over. They don't they don't set it up. They they expect that their community will show up. And then when they don't, they often, you know, isolate even further and get bitter and and into that story of aloneness instead of, you know, what is what is not as comfortable, you know, is the, like, can you come over? I really need a friend. Can you do this? Can you do that? Or even in pregnancy setting it up. And because, I I mean, I don't see it this time in culture and at this time in our women's communities. It's a rare day that I see women and families, understand how to surround a postpartum mom. They really need to be told, shown, and and asked. And same in grief, of course. You know, we have this culture of, like, oh, give the family space
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Which is so dumb and so weird and so not what women going through major things usually need or want. And so, anyway, there's there's kind of, I think, this, like, larger conversation again, totally not picking on you, just this, like, larger thing that I see of women really being hurt by how isolated they discover they are in postpartum, but also not being willing to ask. And I'm not saying you didn't do I have no idea what you did, but it's making me think about this larger thing I often see. And it's hard. You know? It's hard. I don't know any women who are really skillful at asking for help. Personally, including myself, I don't know anyone who's, like, really good at that. It's hard for all of us, I think, because of because of the setup we're in. And yet at the same time, it's kind of the only way I see postpartum support work. Yeah. So I kind of the I don't know if irony is the right word, but, like, this idea of so many women emerge from these, you know, kinda hard or shitty postpartums being like, I'm gonna be a postpartum support, but you would only be hired by someone who was willing to have that support, who was investing in it, who was looking for it, which is great. Like, that's amazing. I'm not talking you out
Speaker 3
of that.
Speaker 2
That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean?
Speaker 3
Yeah. I totally get that. And I think I definitely isolated myself because I felt a lot of guilt around it was like I already spent my help account in the last year. Woah. That was, like, a big thing in my head. I was like, how can I ask for people to show up for me more with, like, everything that I've gone through?
Speaker 2
You were like that yeah. You were done. That was as much help and support versus it being like this was an opportunity for your whole community to celebrate life Right. After holding you in in death.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And I think I had a lot of insecurity about the timing of it, you know, because I got pregnant with him so soon after, and I don't think there's any wrong time. I think that it's a very natural thing. I heard Yolanda say this in somewhere, but it's very natural to want to bring life to where there's been a loss of one. Of course. You know? But I felt insecure about it still on some level, like, that I had did it so soon. It was too soon for me to ask for people to come and support me.
Speaker 2
Yeah. Isn't that funny? Just the stories we make up.
Speaker 3
But there was also that expectation because everyone showed up so Right. Fiercely, like, after Ambrose. I just assumed, oh, they get it, and they're gonna come. But it's like, no. You know? And a lot I think that a lot of that work that I was saying, I felt like I had to do in postpartum was getting clear on, like, the stories that I wanna keep telling myself and, you know, letting people say no and being okay with it and not being so overly critical and insecure about, like, being too much. My god. I mean, everyone already thinks I'm too much. Like, what? I'll just do it. Hey. Let me embrace it.
Speaker 2
If they're still standing
Speaker 3
Yeah. Exactly. Know if it's yeah. Yeah. And I just I only really recently feel like I'm coming out of the postpartum fog. Jeremiah is six months old now, and it's been a trip. It's been really difficult, really beautiful. Yeah. And I I just your story can be whatever you want it to be. It's okay to find joy within your grief. You're not, like you don't have to be broken broken. It's, like, just because someone or some external authority tells you that. You know?
Speaker 2
Also, this idea of, like I mean, you know from the school, like, you know, these these core emotions are just running through us. You know? Like, you can create an identity around your grief if you want to. Plenty of people do, or an identity around any of these emotions. But, like, really, we're all of them. Mhmm. Usually, all throughout a given day or even an hour or even five minutes, and we put so much story, you know, to having joy. Like, you're not allowed to have joy if your baby has passed. You're not allowed to like, it just it's almost this is kind of a weird way of of saying it. It's probably not gonna land right, but but it's almost just, like, taking it too seriously. Like Yeah. Having emotions, I mean.
Speaker 3
Mhmm.
Speaker 2
You know? Like, you're just we're just tubes of all these things running running through us.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Yeah. I think that there's I felt so much, insecurity when I was going out into the world again, you know, just to the fucking store or anywhere, and people would ask you know, I'd see my older son and ask how many babies I have. And I felt like I had to have this disclaimer that would come immediately after, like, oh, I lost my baby. But, you know, I'm really sad, but, also, it was really beautiful. But, also and then I just was like, you know what? I chose to do this to become the sovereign woman that I know I can be. I'm going to fucking own my birth and my loss as well. And not everyone wants to talk about it that way, but you can if you want to. It's your baby. It's your life. You know? You don't have to be destroyed if you don't wanna be. It's okay to go through that Of course. Obviously. But
Speaker 2
No. I think in a way, it's you know, and I I say this very humbly because I have not personally dealt with loss like that, but I have supported a ton of bereaved moms. And I've seen many, you know, really admirable women choose to really choose to honor their baby's too short of life, like, and have it better them. Like, have it mean something, you know, bigger and better, and like you said, with reverence and and not stay victimized by it. And and I could empathize with that temptation. Yeah. I could empathize with it, but, it's been quite inspiring to see how many women have chosen at some point. It doesn't mean it has to happen any at any there's no time limit to it. But, yeah, I've just seen women really choose to be like, this is how I how I honor this life by growing up, by maturing, by seeing this for me, by allying with it, by really accepting it Mhmm. So that you can live.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Like, I'm going to live for Ambrose every day for the rest of my life, and that's just how it is. And I'm sure a lot of people and I've been told by a lot of people that I'm not grieving correctly, and I don't give a shit because Weird. Yeah. Weird. It's not you know? That's my experience. It's my baby. Why would I not want to honor him in that way? You know?
Speaker 2
God. People are so strange.
Speaker 3
Yeah. And, dead babies really bring out the weirdest I can be. Yeah. Like, the amount of times, especially now having Jeremiah here where people will be like, oh, is this your second? I'm like, well, it's my third. How old is your second? Oh, well, you know, he was stillborn. Oh, I'm so sorry. At least you have this guy now, and I'm like, okay.
Speaker 2
At least? Oh my gosh. Wow. Okay. Yeah.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I guess I'm not supposed. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm
Speaker 2
not supposed to talk to him.
Speaker 3
Yeah.
Speaker 2
No. Of course. It's just the instant hero. How do I very quickly provide temporary relief to my own discomfort?
Speaker 3
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And people will do that. People will
Speaker 2
Of course.
Speaker 3
Say that they're giving you space where they're saying something because they wanna make you feel better, it's like, no. They just don't know how to handle that. And you don't have to take that on. You know? Because grieving your baby is a full time fucking job on top of having other children too. Right. Right. Well, thank you. Thank you. Do I
Speaker 2
get to see you again this summer?
Speaker 3
I hope so. I told my husband. I was like, let's see how big our tax return is. And
Speaker 2
then just peel off a little bit.
Speaker 3
Yeah. Peel a little bit off just for me, and I don't know. We're trying to buy a house. Cool. And our lease is up, like, right when matriarch rising is, so I'm like, I'm gonna be flying by the seat of my pants. And That's a great way to go. That's what I did last year. You know? So Awesome. I'd love to.
Speaker 2
Well, lots of love to you. Proud of you. Thank you so much. Paths have crossed.
Speaker 3
Oh god. Me too. I needed it. I needed this community that you have built. It's fucking the women in it are incredible. Pretty
Speaker 2
Pretty top notch.
Speaker 3
Yeah. I must say. Mhmm.
Speaker 2
Alright. Thank you.
Speaker 3
Thank you.
Speaker 2
See you. I hope you enjoyed the show today. You can support this podcast by donating to it on free birth society dot com and leaving an awesome review on whatever platform you listen on. The more reviews, the more visibility the show gets, so let's spread the word of Sovereign Birth. We've always got a lot going on at Free Birth Society, and you can find out about all of it at free birth society dot com, at free birth society on Instagram, and opt in to my newsletter below in the show notes. We offer courses on free birth, authentic midwifery, and the blood mysteries, as well as one on one coaching, in person retreats, and, of course, our annual women's festival. Our exclusive vetted private membership is definitely something to check out if you're looking for a community of wise sisters. Together, we rise. We must speak our stories, claim our lives, and support one another. This is the living revolution, and I am so grateful to be in it with all of you. I'll leave you with our epic Free Birth society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba Red.
Speaker 4
I honor you for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored, eons upon light beams of survival, withstanding the eradication of our power by design. I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth birth in captivity. The picket line we define from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging our babes. Strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts, keep your needles. My My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons or your poison. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention. Death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back to the star.
