00:00:06:00 - 00:00:41:04
Unknown
Into the wild and go into the wild, I am. It's been a while. Freedom, child, since I left my roots back home into I don't go into the wild I had. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home. Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood and beyond.
00:00:41:06 - 00:01:01:00
Unknown
Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative. We'll explore the politics of birth and will analyze everything that relates to our lives as women. From a feminist perspective, here's your host, Emilee Saldaya. Wild freedom child.
00:01:01:02 - 00:01:11:01
Unknown
Saints have left my room bare home.
00:01:11:03 - 00:01:38:09
Unknown
And we're back. Women season eight. Wow wow wow how fun, how exciting. And I can honestly say I have the best season yet coming up for you this year. It is an absolute joy to share these power stories with you year after year, and it's consistently mind blowing to watch The Ripple Effect this podcast and our work at is doing for the elevation of our worlds consciousness.
00:01:38:11 - 00:02:01:15
Unknown
You know, I started this podcast to create a living archive of women birthing in power so that we didn't further lose our way. I wanted this podcast to serve as a lighthouse for us all, to find our way home, to ourselves and to our power. Before this podcast, I couldn't find anyone sharing free birth stories outside of very small, private Facebook groups.
00:02:01:16 - 00:02:26:01
Unknown
No one identified yet as a radical birth keeper or a sovereign midwife. No one's Instagrams were critiquing medical midwifery or talking about birth birth work outside of the system. Now I meet women everywhere who are planning free births. Talking about sovereign birth, walking the walk because it's just become a normal part of their communities and social media environments.
00:02:26:06 - 00:02:53:05
Unknown
There's so many free birth podcasts now. Women have built entire successful careers after graduating from our programs in sovereign birth, work and coaching. I mean, a lot has changed in just seven years. I truly didn't anticipate the level of resonance and inspiration this podcast has brought into the world, and I can't wait to see what we can make happen in another seven years.
00:02:53:07 - 00:03:14:03
Unknown
So on that note, why don't I give you some big, exciting updates? Oh gosh. Okay, where do I even start? I'm publishing a book. It's going to be a collection of free burst stories. So, so overdue. My aim is to have it published before the holiday season, because it's the perfect gift to give any woman in your life.
00:03:14:04 - 00:03:38:01
Unknown
Of course, I'm really pumped about it. And of course, a massive thank you to all of you who submitted your beautiful stories. We were really overwhelmed by the amount of submissions we received, and I can't even scroll through them without crying because, wow, you know, this is just so big. Okay, the world wide free birth study. It is well underway.
00:03:38:01 - 00:04:02:06
Unknown
We are almost done designing it, and I'm getting a major crash course and an entire world of academia that I previously knew nothing about. Thankfully, I'm partnered with a brilliant professor in England who I just adore and she is bringing it. Our goal is to have the study available to you, for you all to participate in the very early part of the new year.
00:04:02:08 - 00:04:27:23
Unknown
Okay, that's not all. Drumroll please. Because this is really big. We are finally ready to intake professionals to list their sovereign services in our directory. That's right, we're going public. The match or birth directory is here. We'll spend the next two months or so inviting any and all sovereign birth professionals to come. Create listings so that you can find the clients of your dreams.
00:04:27:23 - 00:05:00:23
Unknown
If you offer sovereign pregnancy and birth education, coaching or attendance, postpartum support conscious conception, fertility cycle coaching that supports women outside of the medical system, then this is the place to get found. If you offer birth trauma integration coaching for women wanting to unpack their births and find healing, then this is the network for you to join. If you're a graduate of any of our schools, you get to be listed for free, and if you aren't a graduate, then don't worry, there's just a small fee to join to get you vetted and listed.
00:05:01:02 - 00:05:24:14
Unknown
So after we intake for a couple of months, then we're going to open it up to the public. And for all of you women out there seeking holistic, sovereign coaching from wise women, for those of you hoping to get connected to a radical birth keeper, for those of you ready to sit with a sister and tell your birth story to be heard and supported, the Match of Birth directory is the place to network and find women in your local area.
00:05:24:15 - 00:05:59:21
Unknown
That's what this directory is all about. Just drop your zip code or city in and find your wise women. So cool, right? This work doesn't need to be underground anymore. We need to network, to collaborate and to get findable. So go to Match directory. That's M83 birth directory. If you're a professional wanting to list your services, or if you're a woman wanting to find wise women in your area, you can go ahead and drop your name on the wait list and be the first to hear when we open to the public.
00:05:59:23 - 00:06:21:21
Unknown
All right, what else? We have some big changes on the table with Matriarch Rising Festival that my team and I are simply giddy about. I've had a lot of clarity since last year about what event I want to make and how to make it happen, so we'll be giving all of the updates to the MRF mailing list. Everyone on that list gets dibs on tickets first and all of our add ons.
00:06:21:21 - 00:06:43:11
Unknown
So check the show notes and make sure that you have dropped your email on that list. In particular, if you're interested in being a part of the greatest women's gathering on Earth, it is the summer camp for the grown ass woman, and it will be the best part of your year, I can say confidently. I'm still smiling from this past summer's gathering, and I can't wait to do it with you all again.
00:06:43:13 - 00:07:05:07
Unknown
I also want to give just a big old shout out for the success of our first year introducing the Match of Birth Midwifery Institute. We just closed enrollment with a whopping 75 students ready to do their big, big work and learn who they are in this incredible birth liberation movement that has taken the world by storm. One last quick thing.
00:07:05:07 - 00:07:27:07
Unknown
We are going to be opening doors again to the Lighthouse Free Birth Society's amazing private membership. We're going to open September 15th until the 21st. But here's the thing we only open doors to the waitlist, so drop your name on the waitlist in the show notes below and consider. Come joining us in our inner circle behind vetted walls.
00:07:27:07 - 00:07:50:12
Unknown
It is the greatest women's gathering space on the internet. Hands down a massive thank you to my team at Free Birth Society. I'm so proud of what we're doing together and so grateful for each and every one of you. I take my role at the forefront of this movement very seriously and with great humility. I love working hard for this cause.
00:07:50:16 - 00:08:11:18
Unknown
Thank you for being on this journey with me. For your interest, your curiosity, and your courage. I know we are stronger together, and I remain deeply inspired by both the women who come on the show and the listeners who are so greatly impacted. All right, get ready for season eight. It is so, so good. Let's get it started.
00:08:11:19 - 00:08:37:02
Unknown
All right. Welcome. Welcome, Brittany. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Yeah, I'm excited to have you here and to kick off this season. And you know, you've got a big story, a really important story. And one I'm just excited to get into and learn about. Yeah. Gosh, just all the layers of that. You have this sovereign birth with this beautiful baby girl who.
00:08:37:03 - 00:08:59:17
Unknown
What did you say before we were recording presents as that she presents as down syndrome. So. Yes. Yeah. So there's so much to talk about that. And it's the first time on this show that we've had a woman, like, ready to talk about that, that big, big conversation. So, yeah. Thank you for being here. Thank you for doing what you do.
00:08:59:18 - 00:09:24:02
Unknown
You are doing God's work. I just think it's beautiful because stories are medicine and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And yours will be. So you've got four kids? Yeah. All different ages. You're out on the West Coast. That's about all I know. So just give us a give us an introduction to who you are and kind of help us frame who you are as you move into this recent birth.
00:09:24:08 - 00:09:50:16
Unknown
Okay, so I, I am Brittany and I live in Longview, Washington, and I have four children. My oldest is my stepson, and he's 26. And then my girls are 21 and 16. And. Yeah, and Dottie, our youngest, is about to turn one. I worked in dentistry for 18 years, and my husband was going through med school when we met, and we've been married for five years.
00:09:50:16 - 00:10:14:15
Unknown
So just to kind of give you an idea of like, who daddy is, you know, so he was going through med school and then he walked away in his third year. And yeah, it was a big world I was during 2020. So, yeah. So our whole life was just like, okay, what's next? And, we really had no idea.
00:10:14:16 - 00:10:40:19
Unknown
But during this time we had gone through three miscarriages. And during that time I was still seeking the medical system for all that support. And so that was really interesting. So that kind of brings us to, you know, where we started making decisions outside of the system. Well, what might you want to share about your first two births?
00:10:40:19 - 00:11:07:10
Unknown
And this is sounding like it was with a different man. And what what was your initiation into motherhood like in relationship to the medical system? Oh yeah. Okay. So I always I've been carrying a lot of shame around this piece of my life. And I just recently started sharing, like saying it out loud. And some people might think that's silly, but some might resonate with it.
00:11:07:12 - 00:11:39:19
Unknown
I have all my girls are from three different dads, so my first marriage is where Dylan came from. My 21 year old and I was in a very, very abusive relationship and her birth was the most horrific, traumatic birth. And I've heard a lot of people say, well, if you have a drug free birth or you have a vaginal birth, then you should just feel like ecstatic about it.
00:11:39:20 - 00:12:13:03
Unknown
Like that should just be a beautiful birth. Like, how amazing is that? But it was literally the most traumatic I was, Here's the funny part is I knew better. I was 19 years old. Even I was really young, I know that I knew to listen to my body. Even at 19 years old and over 21 years ago, because I walked, I was in labor at home, and I labored through the night all by myself, labored through the day, and I knew I was so close.
00:12:13:03 - 00:12:32:20
Unknown
I knew I was so close, I knew I was at I got into different positions. This is before there was social media and, you know, really the internet to search for, like how this works. And, you know, back then nobody was teaching you anything about physiological birth at all, like it was. You go to the doctor, you do it, they tell you to do.
00:12:32:21 - 00:12:56:11
Unknown
And so that was my experience with that was I went through labor at home and I just knew like that I was safe there. I ended up calling my dad, not my husband, for a lot. You can imagine. Wait, was the husband not there? He was not there. He went to work and I didn't tell him in the middle of the night that I was in labor because I didn't want him to know.
00:12:56:14 - 00:13:13:17
Unknown
And so I called my dad because my dad is always there. I'm one of those lucky girls. I have the best out in the world. And I called my dad and he came and got me, and he drew me to the hospital and he's like, are we going to call until, you know? And I was like, no, I don't want him to know.
00:13:13:19 - 00:13:36:22
Unknown
Anyways, they ended up calling him and I had Dylan like, I don't know, an hour and a half later and he ended up getting kicked out of the birthing room. The father. Yeah. Because he was coaching me. Yeah, yeah, it was it was awful. It was it's horrific, actually, to even think back. But I was literally it's so sad to think because I was literally trying to crawl out of my own skin.
00:13:36:23 - 00:13:55:22
Unknown
There's not another time in my life where I can remember being so terrified and like, he made me feel terrified, alone. Like I thought that was the most terrifying thing was him at that point in my life. And then here I was trying to, like, crawl, literally crawl out of my own skin and off that bed. Yeah.
00:13:55:22 - 00:14:17:08
Unknown
So that birth was, as you can imagine, just terrifying and horrific. And so was it. Was it terrifying and horrific because of the presence of that guy? No, in fact, it was. I knew it was the situation. Like, I didn't know, but I knew, you know, I could feel that that wasn't the place I was supposed to be.
00:14:17:08 - 00:14:38:21
Unknown
But back then, I didn't know any different. I know any better. So I was just doing what I was supposed to do. And yeah, I mean, even though it was drug free and I knew that's what I wanted going into it, I was advocating for myself, obviously, and being difficult and.
00:14:38:23 - 00:14:58:20
Unknown
It was just being in that room. I mean, I can just, I can I could remember the smell. I could remember just the nurses the way they were talking to me, like I was being difficult. My doctor that I had known for a long time, but he was acting like I was being difficult, and him saying he was going to give me an episode of me and back then I like knew what one was because I did my own research.
00:14:58:20 - 00:15:25:03
Unknown
But I was like, I knew I didn't want that to. And so I remember being like, no, no, no, I got an episode of me because her head was so big. It was way too big. So, yeah. So that was my first. That was my first baby. I think a lot about the it's almost so obvious. It's such an obvious correlation that it's, it's almost like hard to see.
00:15:25:03 - 00:15:38:17
Unknown
But the correlation of our as a, as a sex, our female. Let me find the right word here.
00:15:38:19 - 00:16:09:13
Unknown
It's familiarity with abuse. Yes. And that you don't see it for what it is or like okay. That and also just like it's just totally accepted. Right. We've we've you know, I'm massively generalizing. You know, of course there's exceptions but but many very many, many, many, many females are abused in some way shape or form, you know, from, from birth and then into engagement with medical system.
00:16:09:14 - 00:16:35:17
Unknown
Sure. But also in their households, in their school systems and then in first boyfriends and then husbands. And so there's this like through line, you know, that we see all the time. And where I'm going with this is then I also think about a lot and see it in, in real time that when women and this isn't to suggest that only healed women can have sovereign births.
00:16:35:18 - 00:16:59:11
Unknown
No. You know, I'm not suggesting that at all. I know plenty of women and abusive marriages that have sovereign births. Like, yes, it's everything is possible, but the point I'm trying to make is there is something that happens in a woman who has done her work and who has matured, and who has learned how to own herself, that she is no longer available for abuse.
00:16:59:12 - 00:17:26:19
Unknown
Yes. And there's one track, many, many, many tracks that lead to sovereign birth. I'm not saying this is the only one, but there is a track I'm very aware of. Yes. You know, and I would put myself in that track probably. I've been in a really, really hard core abusive relationship in the past, and something has changed in me and in many women that I see that it's not even on the table anymore.
00:17:26:19 - 00:17:48:22
Unknown
Like, it's not they're not available for it. And so therefore the possibility of going into the system is like it is. It is no longer interesting, it's no longer attractive. There's no kind of like zing to it. Like it's just it's complete. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. That's well said. Yeah.
00:17:49:00 - 00:18:06:05
Unknown
Your stories makes me think of that because it's like, you know, like most women go to the hospital and most women have a familiarity with being abused. Yeah. No. Like yours was perhaps quite hard or whatever, but you know what I mean. You know what I'm saying? I absolutely, and I know exactly what you mean, and that is spot on.
00:18:06:06 - 00:18:27:20
Unknown
There is so much truth to that. And in fact, working as a I support women birth now that I, I do see that. Yeah. So not only in my own experience but in other women's experience I see that. Yeah. Right. What's what is the adage like we birth how we live. Yeah. There's a lot of truth to that.
00:18:27:21 - 00:18:55:10
Unknown
Yeah, yeah. So that's a really intense initiation at 19. Yeah. And and then what happens? Well I end up leaving him obviously, which was rough. It was scared. Too scared to stay scared. Scared to go kind of a situation. I know women can be familiar with that one. And then I ended up remarrying. And my second husband, I'm still.
00:18:55:11 - 00:19:16:21
Unknown
We co-parent very well. He's he raised Dylan as well. And my birth with him. He he is so sweet. But I wanted to have a home birth. I knew then and here that's even 16 years ago. But I knew I didn't want to go back and do that again, you know, in the hospital. And I trusted my body.
00:19:16:21 - 00:19:37:05
Unknown
Even at that time, I didn't know how far I could trust my body at that time. But with him, he was just like, we lived out in the country, like out in the sticks. And he was like, that's a long drive to a hospital. Like, what if, you know? And so I've also experienced like a husband that.
00:19:37:07 - 00:19:59:00
Unknown
Even though he is supportive of me and things that I do and was very loving, he did, he could not get behind the idea of having a baby at home, like he didn't trust that. And I'm still sad that I didn't dig my heels in and go, but that's what I want, you know? And and I would argue that he wasn't supportive of you.
00:19:59:00 - 00:20:28:07
Unknown
Yeah. Exactly. Yes. Yeah, yeah. So to be like a nice guy or whatever. But like, supporting you means supporting you. Yes. You've got it. Yeah. Emilee I yeah, that's the truth. So, Yeah. So I had 80 in the hospital 16 years ago and same doctor. Wait, what? I know I stop it. I know, I know it, I know, I know, I hate that I know.
00:20:28:08 - 00:21:00:20
Unknown
Okay, so I'm doctor. And the reason being is because I had this really, like, relationship with this doctor, which now I can look back and go, yuck. And so following my follow up visit after Dylan, he found cancer. So I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Also while I was 20. At that time it was almost 20. And so I went through like thinking of like my womb story.
00:21:00:21 - 00:21:22:10
Unknown
You know, when we talk about that, I'm like, oh, my poor room has been through it. But back then, I mean, I know now like, I'm, I studied Germany medicine and I've been obsessed with it for a handful of years. And, and even now in the conventional medical system, they don't even do what they used to do anymore when they see cervical cancer.
00:21:22:10 - 00:21:44:09
Unknown
So I went through that whole thing. I didn't have to do chemo and radiation thinking this. I didn't go through all of that. So I went through this. So I developed like this really close relationship with this doctor that diagnosed cervical cancer and saved my life. And what was what did he cut out? He cut out the entire back of my cervix.
00:21:44:09 - 00:22:02:10
Unknown
And I remember I was like, I didn't want to be awake. I didn't want to be asleep for that. I wanted to be. I'm not somebody that strong like, I don't want to be. Even though I worked in sedation dentistry for 18 years, everybody else can be sedated, but. But no, thank you. For me. Yeah. So he cut out is huge.
00:22:02:10 - 00:22:23:00
Unknown
He showed me because I want. I mean, I'm a curious human. Well, I watch it was like, meatball sized, and I know, I know. And then I was told, you know, you may not be able to have any more children, you know. So. And this is I wanted I want to be a mom. That's the only thing I wanted to be growing up was a mom.
00:22:23:01 - 00:22:45:13
Unknown
I'm the oldest of four, so I'm like, that's my future is mommy. So that felt really devastating. So of course I had to keep going back for copies and all that jazz and and you're a new mom, and I'm a new mom with a really crappy husband and father like God. I thought about that part for a second.
00:22:45:14 - 00:23:07:06
Unknown
Yeah, I came home in couple years. I know I came home from that, and yeah, Dilley was just like a baby. And I was like, so I remember being just like, so checked out, like, what just happened, you know? And I'm just sitting there like, you're like, what in the world? But yeah. No support. Yeah. Yeah. So Eddie.
00:23:07:11 - 00:23:31:03
Unknown
Yeah. Same doctor. And that one, I feel like it wasn't so traumatic because in my mind, I was like, my body knows how to do this. I know what I want and don't want. And but, yeah, still, I still didn't have an IV. I refused an IV. But even though he really insane about, like, prenatal cervical exams and stuff.
00:23:31:04 - 00:23:53:14
Unknown
Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah, I had all the exams. Yeah, all the ultrasounds. It just makes me so sad to think, you know, and, like, even I'm a researcher, like, I loved a research, and I was doing all the research, and there just wasn't a whole lot of veil back then, you know, there wasn't. I'm like, I love this time.
00:23:53:14 - 00:24:18:08
Unknown
We're living in, you know, there's there's positives and negatives to all this social media. But it's true is just obstetrics is just so perverse. It's so sick. It's so perverse. Once you step out of it and you and you start seeing it for what it is and, and that's, I mean, the whole medical system, like, that's I mean, you know, that's why Chris walked away in 2020.
00:24:18:09 - 00:24:39:08
Unknown
You know, there was a lot of reasons during that time. But, you know, that's a lot of time and money to invest in something and then be like actually. But also thank God for showing that thank God. Yeah, we are so great and we're super grateful to this day. So yeah, so you have that procedure pre-pregnancy with the second, right?
00:24:39:10 - 00:25:01:15
Unknown
Yeah. It was actually five years before Eddie came. So. Oh they have a big age gap okay. Yeah. Oh right. Because you left the guy found a new nice guy. Okay. Got it. Yeah. You know, so then her birth is, like, a bit better. It's a little bit better, you know? And at the time, I was like, that was pretty good because I did all my labor again at home.
00:25:01:19 - 00:25:19:02
Unknown
Waited until it was last minute. Then I woke up my husband and my other kids, and I was like, all right, we're going to go have a baby. And, you know, we got there and I had her within the next hour. So nice. Yeah. Even even pushing on my and being told when to push, I still had her pretty quickly.
00:25:19:04 - 00:25:45:15
Unknown
Second baby. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So then give us like a quick snapshot of obviously a lot happens again after after her birth. Yeah. How was that. And then. Yeah. When, when do you leave that marriage and and how do you get into your current life? Yeah. So, Yeah, Kevin and I were married for over 15 years and raised our family together out in the sticks.
00:25:45:15 - 00:26:13:18
Unknown
And it was it was a beautiful life out there. And one day, he I. Yeah, I think that I still don't have all the answers, and I think I've come I still I'm so grateful for where I'm at, and I just know that everything happens for us and not to us. And so and being so happy with my life now that I don't really think a whole lot of it, but it's just one of those things in life.
00:26:13:18 - 00:26:36:09
Unknown
I think it's really important for us to not always feel like we need answers and need closure to, you know? And that's one of those times in my life that I don't have answers and I don't really, you know, and that's okay. He was out. Yeah, he was out and I know. And so the girls and I because Colton's an adult, a new adult at this point.
00:26:36:11 - 00:27:04:23
Unknown
And so the girls and I, we move and we're kind of house hopping, renting for a little while, and the girls actually have really fond memories of it, so which is really great because it could have gone differently. Yeah. So we are kind of moving around and I have a friend that it was like, hey, I have a rental and it's not ready yet, but you can help put the floors down and put the paint on the walls.
00:27:04:23 - 00:27:25:21
Unknown
And we're like, okay. So the girls and I went to work and had so much fun doing that with my friend and her husband. And so then we live in this home, for it was at least a year, and in that time I was going to therapy and I was reading so many books and I was like, I told the girls, I'm like, I am not dating for at least a year.
00:27:25:22 - 00:27:49:15
Unknown
Like, don't, because I kept bringing it up, you know? Yeah. And so I took an entire year that I just hung out with them, focused on them. I worked lots of sports and hung out with my friends. And it was it was a good time in life. And then my then my girls and a friend encouraged me to just go on one day, just go on one day.
00:27:49:15 - 00:28:13:22
Unknown
And then in that one date, you can just say, that was a good time. Thank you for that time. And moving on. Right. And so this is my first experience. I really haven't dated Emilee at this point in my life because I got married and then I got married, and then I stayed married for a long time. So my girls and a friend got me started on a dating app.
00:28:14:00 - 00:28:41:03
Unknown
And. And how old are your girls at this part of the story? Oh my goodness. So Dilley was probably 16 okay. Yeah. And so Edith would have been five years after that and so young. And so Dali's showing me how to use this dating app and no. And the whole I'm like, oh, she know, I know. And then a friend was like, okay, use this app because only the women can reach out and it's the safest one.
00:28:41:04 - 00:28:56:23
Unknown
And that's that, right? So I'm like, oh my gosh, this feels super weird. Like, yeah. So I'm just going to go on one day. That's my plan. And so dilly is like, how are you doing on this app? And she's looking at it and she's like, mom, these are these are the guys that you were picking. And I was like, no, those are the guys.
00:28:56:23 - 00:29:11:03
Unknown
I was thinking I was swiping the wrong direction. Oh no. For like two days, but I didn't I didn't talk to anybody. So that's fine. That's like a really key ingredient to those apps.
00:29:11:05 - 00:29:32:17
Unknown
Oh that's cute. Oh I know, so then we're at my brother's birthday and my mom sitting there and one of my girls said something like, well, mom's on a dating app. She outs you. I know, and my mom is just, like, disgusted. Like, she's like, no, you're not doing that. No you're not. And I'm like, I am. And I literally like right in front of her.
00:29:32:17 - 00:29:59:08
Unknown
I was like, I pick this one. And long story short, yes, I know it's freaking. It doesn't happen. It's not even real life. Right. And you swiped the right way I did. Yeah, I had supervision in that moment, too, so that was probably helpful. Yeah. So people ask, wait, so was this Bumble? Yes. So how does it work?
00:29:59:09 - 00:30:22:15
Unknown
You swiped on the guy you like, and then is he allowed to message? You know, I have to reach out and message him. And so you did. Yeah. And I honestly, I can't even remember what I wrote. Yeah. All I know is we were kind of talking about and forth for that day, and my girls had friends over, and it was the weekend and they were like, just text him and say, you're going to meet him.
00:30:22:15 - 00:30:45:20
Unknown
Okay. First of all, do do not do anything. I'm saying this is not safe. And I even had girls that I was setting an example for, and I would never allow them to do this, but they talked me into it at the time. Oh, I know this is embarrassing. Oh, I don't even know why. I say to my staff and to my children and to my friends and my students, do what I say, not what I do.
00:30:46:01 - 00:30:50:06
Unknown
I do not do what I'm doing.
00:30:50:08 - 00:31:07:12
Unknown
So yeah, I'm so embarrassed. So I texted him and I was like, okay, the girls are telling me I need to just. You're like, I'd like to meet up in a dark alley alone. It feels like I did that. It feels like I did that. We went to it. There was a comedy show. He's like, there's a comedy show downtown Portland, which is where he was going to med school at the time.
00:31:07:12 - 00:31:29:21
Unknown
And and I lived just 45 minutes from there. So he's like, why don't you drive here and we'll go to the comedy show? So we did that. And so long story short, that's not that bad. I know. I mean, it was Norman and Pioneer women girl. I know women on those apps who have stone coal. Never met the guy.
00:31:29:22 - 00:31:52:21
Unknown
Let them come to their house. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. No. You're great. You went to a public place? Yeah. Where there were other people. That is way better than what? I feel better about this now. I thought you were going to say something way worse. You just met up at a public place. That's what you should do. Well, and at that time, my kids tracked me.
00:31:52:22 - 00:32:13:15
Unknown
My girlfriends tracked me. And this is actually setting a great example. Okay, good. They all tracked me. They could all see where I was at. I even had a girlfriend texting me like, girl, keep your panties on. Like, yeah, you know, like, why is it I couldn't buy? Oh my goodness. So long story short, I married him. Yeah.
00:32:13:16 - 00:32:36:15
Unknown
And that's where that's where daddy came from is from that story. So. So was it just on like from the first date? Oh my goodness. It's so funny because our conversation was so good that whole night. And then, it's funny because I did end up staying there, which is why I got that text from my friend, because we were just talking all night, like we just had so much to talk about.
00:32:36:15 - 00:33:09:12
Unknown
And we honestly, from that point, we did not stop hanging out at all. Yeah. And we just had so much fun together. And this was what, year, oh what year were that event? Probably 2019 or 2018. Oh my gosh, I don't even know something like that. Yeah okay. So then kind of yeah. Bring us through kind of back to what you started all of this off with is then 2020 you guys are really waking up to oh yeah.
00:33:09:13 - 00:33:47:09
Unknown
Waking up. Yeah, that's definitely what we were doing was waking up and it was like, gosh. And I feel like we just continue to wake up, which I think you I think you can understand that if you don't feel like that, you are doing something wrong. Yes, I agree with you 100%. So. Yeah. Wow. So while he's in med school, I mean, he I mean, this started like when he was going through cardio and then before he started getting into, like, clinic stuff, he had, he was like asking like, hey, you're, you know, you're telling them to go on statins.
00:33:47:09 - 00:34:09:15
Unknown
And what you wrote even a couple of years ago contradicts that. You know, like, you can just see them being bought out by the pharmaceutical companies. And this is his story. I'm not going to tell his story, but it kind of started with like little bite sized pieces there. When they started asking him to either get the thing or pay it.
00:34:09:16 - 00:34:36:20
Unknown
It's not a bad word. I'm like, I don't know. Yeah, you know, or test all the time and then pay to test all the time. And I mean, he's got. Oh, it was such a yucky time. And he also had other mentors at that time that were giving him really solid advice. And so and at that time, I was thinking I was going to lose my job and dentistry because we were kind of being hit with something similar.
00:34:36:20 - 00:35:02:14
Unknown
And, and he's, he's, he's in the Army. He was in the Army. So there's a lot of places in our life where we we were just like, oh my gosh. And then, Wow. And then from that, so there's all those pieces and then it goes into. Gosh, just how evil, I mean, how how just evil and satanic and gross.
00:35:02:16 - 00:35:32:13
Unknown
All of these systems are all of the systems. And, you know, our eyes are open to medical, obviously, the medical systems. And then and that's why I'm embarrassed to say that I still went and seat support from them, even following some of the stuff like unraveling at that time. But like I said before, stories are medicine. And I think that my story, when I share those pieces of like it feels shameful to be like, I, I honestly did no better and I still did it.
00:35:32:18 - 00:36:04:08
Unknown
Yeah, but but who's not constantly betraying themselves? Yeah. You're right. Do you know anyone who's not? I don't know, I don't know. Is there like a point? I think that it is for, for most people it happens in layers. It does. And I can totally see is happening in layers like that, you know, and like I said, it was the medical system and then it was the government and then the school system and and you know, this has been a big shift for us.
00:36:04:08 - 00:36:24:05
Unknown
And we kind of were at a point where like 2020. Here's we're getting married in 2021. We got married. And it was a weird time. You know, we're like, okay, I think he's going to walk away from medical school. I think he'd taken to leave at that point. I can't remember such a blur. And then we were like, oh, how are we going to support us if I don't have a job?
00:36:24:05 - 00:36:53:13
Unknown
And anyways, that was a real weird time. But with all of that and losing our trust in these systems and also seeing the systems for what they were, it was a really pivotal point in our life and in our marriage, and we really had times where we just sat in prayer and talking about like, what do we want the rest of our lives to look like, you know, and knowing like both of us, like him in medicine, in the Army, you know, he has a really good heart.
00:36:53:13 - 00:37:17:16
Unknown
You can just imagine that his heart is for people. And I love people. And we didn't know. We were like, I don't know what the future looks like at this point, but it has turned into a lot of open doors. And like we're opening an education center, full time education center in fall. It's one of 50. Launching this false apogee is what it's called if people are interested in checking that out.
00:37:17:16 - 00:37:39:03
Unknown
But, we almost we almost just converted our school to apogee. Did you? And just decided not to. Oh my gosh. So cool. Yeah, we should talk about it. Yeah, we will talk about that. And you know, we for fun, we started finding like because he was a natural path medical school. He has this love for like herbal everything.
00:37:39:04 - 00:37:59:19
Unknown
You know we've got all these books on herbs. And so we started our little skincare company and just like a fun passion project, you know, so we do that and then, with all of these things kind of happening and we don't know what the future looks like, let me, let me kind of. Yeah. Let me read, orient you to please I want to do next.
00:37:59:20 - 00:38:37:04
Unknown
So you mentioned that you had a couple of losses. Yeah. With him. Right. It was in this carriage. Yeah. I had three miscarriages. Yeah. And so you were wanting and or trying to be pregnant. Yeah. And three losses. That's pretty significant. And so what is there to share about those in how they've, how they contributed to like basically I want to go from there to then your choice to have a sovereign birth like yeah kind of fill in that that art.
00:38:37:05 - 00:39:07:08
Unknown
Yeah. Thank you. So with the three miscarriages, I'm working in dentistry and kind of funny, my girlfriend that I work with there, we got pregnant at the same time and had miscarriages at the same time. Well, Weiss in a row, we did that. I feel like that's crazy. But it was all during this time of uncertainty, you know, and having a better understanding of Em and miscarriages.
00:39:07:10 - 00:39:26:20
Unknown
At the time, I was like, oh, it's probably all this radiation, you know, and still. Right. I mean, really not helping doesn't help. But I mean, I had my other two babies being exposed to that. And lots of women I know work in dentistry. They have babies. So I'm like, pardon me. Like, that's not it. Is it the water I'm drinking?
00:39:26:20 - 00:39:46:15
Unknown
Is it what's in the water? And I'm sure these are all like contributing. I'm not ruling any of them out even to this day. So yeah, I'm going through all the things. Like what could it be? Trying to figure it out. So here I'm just living in more fear. So the first one, it's like you go and I'm like, oh, we're going to get the ultrasound.
00:39:46:17 - 00:40:09:05
Unknown
Yeah, sure enough, there's a baby in there. And then it's like, you know, you're like, oh, I lost it, you know? And you're like, what is wrong with me? Like, you go back for the check on the ultrasound. So you're just how awful is this? I'm like, or I had a miscarriage because I had these really unnecessary surveillance.
00:40:09:07 - 00:40:33:04
Unknown
Yuck. Anyways, I still feel gross about that too. So go back, babies no longer. There's no heartbeat anymore. So we go through the whole thing of, do you know, we just wait for my body to do what it's supposed to do? Or do I go have the DNC? I listen to Outside Voices and I did the DNC.
00:40:33:04 - 00:41:17:18
Unknown
And then it happened again. And I'm like, what's wrong with my body? Right? I'm so mad. Like, what is wrong with my body? And did another two dances. So, yeah. And all the ultrasounds. Yeah. Yeah. To confirm that it was alive and then confirm that it wasn't, so yeah, we we still have we still have moments where mourning those losses, you know, and I went through a period of time where I, you know, was beating myself up for, you know, obviously choices that I was making the and not recognizing, recognizing that fear mindset, you know, that plays a really big role in that.
00:41:17:18 - 00:41:38:05
Unknown
There's so much fear with your third that you handled that differently. No. With the third, I had the dancy. So the first one we lost, like naturally. And then. Gotcha. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. That's big. I know, I mean, it's like the whole thing of like. Oh, taking a pregnancy test. Yes. I'm pregnant. Gotta go to the doctor.
00:41:38:06 - 00:42:01:07
Unknown
Gotta get all these labs done. Got to go have the ultrasound. I mean, I, like, obsessively had that on my mind. Well, you're trained to do that. I am trained to do not like you. Like made that up. I know, it's like literally it is the fabric of the culture to be, like obsessively checking and testing. And it's like trying to, like a weird little.
00:42:01:13 - 00:42:16:00
Unknown
Yeah, you're you're going to like a lab rat. You are like a lab rat, and you're lying to them for peace of mind. Well, this visit I'm going to get peace of mind. And you're like, actually, I just got more things to be fearful about. Yeah, Yolanda has a whole thing about that in The Complete Guide, where she's like, you know, everyone goes to.
00:42:16:03 - 00:42:33:23
Unknown
I am paraphrasing. She says this a lot better than I do. She says everything. So she says something like, you know, you guys are all going to the doctor for ultrasounds to have them tell you that you have a healthy baby, like for peace of mind. But the thing is, like, of course they can tell you that because almost all babies are healthy.
00:42:34:02 - 00:42:51:20
Unknown
You know, like if your baby is alive. What is it like? Actually, they're telling you your baby is alive. They can't tell you anything more about that. And so you walk away with this false sense. Anyway, she says it really, really elegant. Yeah. And even more than that. Even more than that, I feel like more women leave with, like, another thing to be concerned about, right?
00:42:51:21 - 00:43:14:10
Unknown
They're like, oh, they, they saw this or oh, it's you know. Yeah. Two babies too big. Now we got to do a season. So what happens for you. After that third loss that then eventually morphs into the next pregnancy. That's a fully sovereign birth. Like yeah, I know that. I'm saying to a sovereign birth like, well, how much time elapsed is there?
00:43:14:10 - 00:43:36:22
Unknown
And and what is the catalyst for like, how does sovereign birth even enter your consciousness? And when you do get pregnant with with this little one. Yeah. Tell me about the beginning of that pregnancy. Like, what is this sovereign birth journey? Yeah. So like I mentioned before, I am a student of like I'm like and I just feel like it's always right.
00:43:36:22 - 00:44:01:12
Unknown
In my experience, it's just always right. And so when I started going like, okay, these miscarriages, how what am I doing possibly to contribute to these, like how how is this me? You know, what's my role in that? My responsibility. Like control the controllable is kind of a thing. You kind of get to that point and wait, what's the name for miscarriage?
00:44:01:14 - 00:44:26:15
Unknown
It is fear. It's fear of not like fear of not having this security or safety or bringing a child into. So this to me explains a lot. When women, there were so many women, there's like an uptick of women having miscarriages during the Covid times. You know? So am I thinking I'm like, of course they were fearful. What a crazy time to think about bringing in.
00:44:26:15 - 00:44:54:06
Unknown
In hindsight, of course, we're like, bring all the babies into the world. But there's a lot of women. They were carrying a lot of fear during that time, and I was one of them, you know? And so I really did a lot of work around the fear and what I literally was writing it down, like, what are things in my life that I feel like I can't provide this babe with safety and security.
00:44:54:06 - 00:45:19:07
Unknown
And what is this fear that I'm, I'm carrying, you know? So I did a lot of work around that. And I realized that just going to the medical system, just walking through those doors and of course, like what we'd been through at that point, I was like, what am I doing? And I was like, I had heard of having a pregnancy where you just don't even pee on a stick to find out, you know?
00:45:19:08 - 00:45:43:12
Unknown
And you had been I had been exposed like the thought of that at that time. And I was like, that did not sound crazy to me at all at that moment. I was like, everything else I've been doing is literally crazy, you know, just because everyone else is doing it, everyone else is crazy. It's crazy. So, so but look what everyone else is doing.
00:45:43:13 - 00:46:12:17
Unknown
Look what everyone else is doing. It's not great out there. It's not so great. I'm really appreciating my small circle of weirdos. Yeah. And like by weirdos you mean I'm assuming like people that think for themselves. People that. Yeah. Critical. Critical thought. Yeah. Yeah. Those weirdos. Yeah. So I was like, that's what I'm doing. Because I think every time I go, I'm feeling more fearful about my situation.
00:46:12:18 - 00:46:34:02
Unknown
Well, and here's what also happens because here in 41. Right. You know what I was hearing every time I went to the doctor? Oh, it's a, it's a geriatric pregnancy. So. Yeah. So I mean, that part wasn't fun for me. It actually made me angry. I remember feeling really angry about hearing that and even requesting that they not use that anymore and continuing to use it.
00:46:34:03 - 00:46:53:08
Unknown
Yeah. So there was that piece as well where I was like, I am not too old to be having babies. And every time I go there, I'm feeling like there's more I need to know, more I need to do. And I'm like, I'm just gonna I'm gonna wing it. I'm just going to trust my body. And I, I've really been praying a lot at this point about like, letting go, fear and trusting God.
00:46:53:08 - 00:47:19:00
Unknown
And you know that he's got this and it's out of my hands. And I need to stop trying to control all these things there's no reason for because I see that with women who sometimes women who have repeat losses will kind of go in either direction. They'll either like really double down and get really kind of obsessive and neurotic about the pregnancies and really fearful.
00:47:19:00 - 00:47:42:17
Unknown
But then I also see, yeah, more what you're talking about of this. Like, all right, like there's nothing else that I can do. Like I gotta just. And I did both, you know, I did I did go both directions. So, so when you, when you at what point in this story are you already pregnant when you decide.
00:47:42:23 - 00:48:11:17
Unknown
No. It was pretty wild pregnancy. Like what? Yeah I did have I did Dottie was a wild pregnancy. And I decided before I was like, before I get pregnant again if I have the opportunity, becoming pregnant again, because there's still this piece in my mind, even though I'd had itI, there's still this part of my mind where I'm like, well, maybe my cervix is broken, and maybe there's all these things that have been told to me over my, my time of being a woman that I'm like, oh, maybe I am broken.
00:48:11:18 - 00:48:34:01
Unknown
Maybe I can't hold this pregnancy and, you know, nurse friends saying, you know, like maybe your uterus is really old. And anyways, so yeah, all the voices. But so I decided this pre-pregnancy that I am just going to turn off outside voices. I'm putting full trust in God, and I'm just going to do this my own way and let my body do it.
00:48:34:01 - 00:48:57:15
Unknown
It's supposed to do. Trust in my body is designed perfectly for this. And and that's what I did. And I make it that sound kind of magical because. And it wasn't. It was the beginning of it. There was still fear would creep up. I remember it feeling creeping up like and just almost obsessively praying over the pregnancy, you know, like so there was like a new obsession almost.
00:48:57:15 - 00:49:31:22
Unknown
But, yeah, I, I was like, I'm not walking through those doors because I know exactly what happens, you know? So I started doing more research. And during this pregnancy is when I started watching on Instagram all a free society stuff, and I think so. Here's the other piece to is, before I got pregnant, my husband reached out to somebody had gone to school with and they knew somebody that was working outside the system.
00:49:31:22 - 00:49:55:17
Unknown
And that's how we met Jess, my birth Cooper. And so we connected. And she was really she was that was really good support. And, yeah, that was beautiful. I think I just skipped around again. I'm really good. It's okay. I keep thinking about something that you just said. A couple clicks back around. You knew. You knew what you were going to get if you went back into the system.
00:49:55:19 - 00:50:16:17
Unknown
And I think it's even like a couple steps beyond that because you knew what you were going to get, but then you also didn't want it. And then you also chose to not have it. Yeah, right. Like those are important things to, I think, articulate because, you know, you've brought up this kind of theme of, well, I labeled itself betrayal.
00:50:16:17 - 00:50:34:23
Unknown
I think you'd probably agree. Right? Yeah, absolutely. It's like, you know, it's wrong. Yeah. But you still do it. And I'm sure literally everyone listening can relate to that. And, you know, I think your story one of many reasons your story is really important and inspirational is that we move the needle at the pace we're up for moving the needle.
00:50:35:00 - 00:50:54:07
Unknown
Right? Yeah, yeah. And it's not a competition like everyone is on a spiritual quest that's going to move their needle at the pace that they are up for, and some don't really move at all. And others are like, damn, you've moved that a lot, you know? Yeah. But so what? You know, you are you are a culmination of all of your life's choices, not just your first daughter's.
00:50:54:08 - 00:51:20:05
Unknown
You know, it's all of it. And so, yeah, I really see that of like, you, you really looking at the, the whole, what's the right word, knowledge base or exposure, you know, that that you now have really come to intimately and really painfully understand about the misogyny and disrespect, you know, embedded into the treatment of you in the system and knowing that you were going to get that.
00:51:20:05 - 00:51:57:07
Unknown
And then actually, finally, at this point, deciding to really own that you didn't want it. Right? Because before it's like you did. No, but you still kind of wanted it. Yeah. Way. Yeah, yeah. And then you get to this point where you're like, I don't, I actually don't want it. And that pivot is so courageous and so important and so inspiring because most people are fucking asleep and they are repeating the same trauma and abuse cycles again and again and again and again and again.
00:51:57:07 - 00:52:17:14
Unknown
And they think they're changing it by just switching the doctor. Yeah. You know, or some such in the husband's name or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Yes I think yeah. You're definitely on to something. Those are really big pieces. And I think that, you know, when you make we make those decisions sometimes it's out of like, I want change. I think it can be a lot of things, but it's like, I want change.
00:52:17:14 - 00:52:46:00
Unknown
I want different for myself in this life experience. And sometimes they can be changes out of fear. Like I'm afraid to walk through those doors of the medical system. And sometimes I think there's a piece of me too that was like, enjoy the mystery, you know, like. And I think that we're supposed to now that I've gone through this wild pregnancy, I'm like, like a big part of the design.
00:52:46:01 - 00:53:10:05
Unknown
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because I'm like, I think that was most of the magic, right? It's like everything remained a mystery the entire time. And you were left guessing and wondering and imagining and which sometimes was kind of weird because there was one point where I imagined that my baby didn't have feet because I never with my other pregnancies, I could feel their feet.
00:53:10:06 - 00:53:30:11
Unknown
And this one, all I felt was like little. I thought I pictured them being like little peg legs, but. So sometimes that mystery can get a little weird. But oh yeah, I would make up that my my first baby. I would make up that she didn't have a face, that it was because I had like, heard of this one midwife that attended a birth that had a baby, had Zika or something, and it was like really dark.
00:53:30:12 - 00:53:47:03
Unknown
This story, I don't need to say it on here, but it was like it was dark and that was in my consciousness. Like right when I conceived. And I would make up, it would be my thing. I would trip on as Johnny would come home and I'd be like, I'm pretty sure today that she doesn't have a face.
00:53:47:05 - 00:54:10:12
Unknown
Like she was like, okay, oh man, she did. Yeah. And turns out daddy had feet, but her feet were floppy though, so that is why I didn't feel them, because she had little poppy feeds. So let's get into. Yeah, let's get into your birth story. So you meet RBK grad? Yeah. Awesome badass chick. Jess. She is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
00:54:10:16 - 00:54:35:17
Unknown
Awesome. And so she comes into your life and is walking with you, and you're like, all for this sovereign birth experience. And just, like, take us through whatever else you want to say about your pregnancy, and then just go ahead and tell your birth story. Okay. Yeah. So Jess was, gosh, she was cool because she was just like, I'd think of things, and she's like, she just kept reminding me to trust my intuition.
00:54:35:17 - 00:54:56:14
Unknown
And I'm like, that was such a beautiful. That's just so beautiful. You know, how we support other women and how we should support other women. And Jess was a great example of that for me. She was like, just trust that geriatric intuition of yours should be so wise at this point in your life. How can you even question is like like a wise old woman?
00:54:56:15 - 00:55:20:00
Unknown
It is like laughable, like the spectrum, like over here is this satanic cult that's just abusing women and making them feel like shit and treating them like shit and butchering their bodies like it's so dark. And then on the other side, we have like, sweet, badass Jess who's like, girl, just trust your intuition, I got you. Yes, yes, yes.
00:55:20:01 - 00:55:47:10
Unknown
Oh, wow. So, Yeah. So, I mean, I just went through my pregnancy. It was beautiful. I worked through it, and it got increasingly difficult towards the end because I'm on my feet a lot doing what I do or did. And so my feet were super small and my legs were swollen, and it was hot because it was July and Eddie was playing over an hour away in a tournament.
00:55:47:10 - 00:56:11:05
Unknown
And my girls, both of them, came one week late, you know. So I had like my estimated due date that I'd come up with. And I was like, I'm thinking she'll come around this time. And I'm like, that'll be after softball season. So it's perfect. But we still had tournaments. That was really hot. So we came home from that tournament and I went to the bathroom and I was like, oh, I think that kind of that could be.
00:56:11:06 - 00:56:29:07
Unknown
And that whole tournament idea was laughing at me because I literally could not walk Emilee. I was like, I felt like her head was just right there. And I was walking around it and I was like, wow. And these contractions were just like a little bit more intense. And I was like, I got a few more weeks, you know?
00:56:29:09 - 00:56:50:01
Unknown
But anyway, so that night I was like, oh, that could be that could be my mucus plug. That's possible, you know? So I texted Jess and I was like, hey, just, you know, I this could be, you know, she's like, all right, we'll keep you posted. That's cool. You know? And then that morning, it was probably like 3:00 in the morning and my contractions.
00:56:50:01 - 00:57:08:04
Unknown
And I thought, man, I just walked a lot like I do a lot. I walked every day anyways, like for miles. And then I was like, walking at this hot softball tournament. So I thought I just probably overdid it. So my contractions were pretty intense, but they were waking me up at like 3:00 in the morning and I thought, oh, I'll just get.
00:57:08:05 - 00:57:27:19
Unknown
Finally, I got up at 6:00. I was able to sleep through them and everything, so I got up around six and I thought, I'll just start making getting all the waters ready to go and the snacks ready to go for a long, hot day. And, yeah, it was like 730 and I was like, oh, I'm having to stop and kind of stuff and kind of think you're going to go to tournaments.
00:57:27:19 - 00:57:34:12
Unknown
I totally did, I totally did, and all the data is lined up.
00:57:34:14 - 00:57:54:19
Unknown
I mean, looking back, I'm like, that was crazy. I knew it, I knew what was happening. But I was like a denial, probably like, I gotta make it to the softball tournament. And Chris works nights. And so he was still sleeping. So I was like 730. I'm like, I'm kind of having to stop and breathe through these, and I'm like, oh, who knows, maybe not.
00:57:54:20 - 00:58:16:04
Unknown
So I'm like, I'll go water all the flowers and like, do all the things, you know. And he wakes up at like ten. No. Okay. So what happened before that was I, I knew I was like, okay, I'm in labor. So I texted Jess, let her know. I also called my ex-husband and I was like, hey, just, you know, I think I'm having a baby today, so we gotta figure out another way to get Eddie to the game.
00:58:16:06 - 00:58:39:00
Unknown
He's like, all right, well, keep me posted. Do I need to bring her there? Like, you know, I was like, no, no, it's fine. We'll just moving it. So Chris wakes up at like ten and I'm outside watering and I'm like, hey, I think we're having a baby today. And like, right after I said that, like another contraction came on and he, like, watched me through and he's like, okay, you know, so he got to work.
00:58:39:01 - 00:59:09:06
Unknown
Made me her work. He made me the burrito tasted, like, extra delicious that he made me, maybe some food. And he got the pool all blown up, and. Yeah, and I bounced around on my little ball, walked around, just did all the things walking around, kept moving and cleaning and whatever I wanted to do, you know? And then they picked up an intensity and I was like, okay, I think I'm ready to get into the pool.
00:59:09:08 - 00:59:29:12
Unknown
I think that was probably like one or so. And so he filled it up, got already, and I was in there. I was like, oh, this feels good. There was like some relief to being in the pool. I really enjoyed that because I hadn't done that before. And like in labor, I remember just like laboring, walking around and not thinking of water.
00:59:29:14 - 00:59:47:21
Unknown
So Jess, he's like Jimmy a text. Jess. I'm like, oh, no, not yet. Because I had a feeling like in my mind, I'm like, I know how this goes. Like, I'll be able to tell when it's time. But she was like, hey, give me a heads up because it takes over an hour to get there. And that day it took almost two hours because of traffic.
00:59:47:23 - 01:00:06:14
Unknown
But she made it in time and it was almost like I was waiting for her, which is so it's so sweet to think about because my husband is so sweet and, he was super great and but just waiting for it was like I was waiting for her and I was going to the bathroom every 30 minutes, like emptying my bladder.
01:00:06:14 - 01:00:33:21
Unknown
I knew that would, like, speed things up. And then I remember the last time I was like, okay, I'm going to do this. If I'm going to wait until Jess gets here, because I have a feeling that it's going to happen soon, right? I'm like, oh, my girlfriend here with me to do this. So yeah, the I remember thinking, okay, she got there and I, she quietly just like walked over, got on the couch, opened her book, and, yeah, I remember those contractions really started picking up and I was like, okay, I'm going to go to the bathroom and not seeking to myself.
01:00:33:21 - 01:00:57:00
Unknown
I don't know if I'm gonna be able to make it that walk to the bathroom back because of where where I was at, I went in there, went pee, and Chris followed me in there and was there with me. And I went to stand up and I was like, I'm pushing, I'm pushing. And he's like, okay. And so I was like, I really wanted to have this baby in the water.
01:00:57:00 - 01:01:13:18
Unknown
And so I'm like, I want to make it in my mind. I want to make it back to this pool, which it was like ten feet. It wasn't very far. So he helps me like it took a while to get to the pool, and I felt like a really small break in my contractions. And I literally like in the pool.
01:01:13:18 - 01:01:32:11
Unknown
And I sat there on my back because I was like, I've seen your videos on Free Birth Society, and I want to be one of those women that sees their baby come out. So I wanted to sit down and watch this baby be born, and that's what I wanted. But as quick as I had sat down, my body said, turn, get on your knees.
01:01:32:13 - 01:02:11:03
Unknown
So I, like flipped over onto my knees. And I remember looking at Jessica, sat right there on the floor, super quiet, and she just looked right in my eyes and I said, I can't do this. And she was like, yeah, you can. And, yeah, I just went to lock and eyes with her, and I pushed and I remember that ring of fire and just the teeniest, tiniest little tear, like even my mind, I could picture how teeny tiny it was, but I pushed really hard, and I just reached down and I felt this little furry head, and I was like, oh, the head is out.
01:02:11:04 - 01:02:34:12
Unknown
Like I did it, the head is out. And yeah, as quickly as that happened, another contraction came and I gave another push. I remember feeling, this is so cool to me, because this is different than having even though I had vaginal births before with no drugs, I was on my back and people were telling me when to push, right.
01:02:34:13 - 01:02:58:00
Unknown
So and I'm getting to listen to my body at this point and I just cannot think of even in the moment. I was like, this is so cool and so beautiful that I could literally feel her tiny little body rotate. And then I did that last push and she just went out behind me, and Chris put her underneath me and gave her to me, and it was so beautiful.
01:02:58:00 - 01:03:20:07
Unknown
But, so that was really magical. And then and then it was then I was holding her. And you're sorry? Where are your older girls? Oh my gosh, they're at the softball game waiting for an update. I know, I can't believe they even left. Oh, I know, I can't believe they did either because it was asking so many questions and before they were like, mom, I don't want to be there.
01:03:20:08 - 01:03:36:07
Unknown
Like for most of the pregnancy. I don't want to be there. I can't see you in pain. And I'm like, I really think it would benefit all of us for you to be there. And towards the end, they changed their mind and they kind of wanted to be present. Yeah. And I was like, this could take a couple days, I don't know, like I don't want them, you know, just go and do it.
01:03:36:07 - 01:03:55:22
Unknown
So dilly took Eddie to the game in Olympia. And so they're all waiting for like, they're texting Chris, like, what's mom doing now? And like, the whole softball team has good memories of them being like, she's here. The baby's here. You know, like it was. It's cute. But yeah, they missed out on being there, which makes me sad.
01:03:55:23 - 01:04:25:04
Unknown
But anyways, so I'm holding my baby and it like her face presented differently than, you know, like anything I could imagine. And at that time I was like, oh, and she seemed really small. But I was like, gosh, it's been 16 years since I had a baby. Like, maybe they're this totally, And I just remember thinking like, like she's just like the babies, beautiful babies healthy.
01:04:25:06 - 01:04:47:22
Unknown
And we are just. It feels like what just happened was just magic. It was beautiful. And so you're just in this, like, space, right? In fact, at one point, Chris said, honey, are you going to birth the placenta? Like, just give it a little tug, like, you know? And I looked at my go. I was like, it's only been like ten minutes.
01:04:48:00 - 01:05:10:09
Unknown
And him and just looked at each other and he's like, honey, it's been an hour and a half. You're like, I'm altered. Okay, I am in an altered state. And at that moment I was like, wow. Like I literally have zero concept of time. Like, oh, that's amazing. And at that time I got on my knees and then a couple pushes.
01:05:10:09 - 01:05:33:00
Unknown
I just like, pushed my placenta. I grabbed it out with one hand and put it in the bowl and I just like, hung out and floated with us in the water for a while. Yeah. And so not long after that, or actually, I have zero concept of time, so I have no idea how long after that. Jess and Chris helped me get out of the tub and pack the baby.
01:05:33:01 - 01:05:56:02
Unknown
It actually. Also, we didn't even know if it was a boy or girl for like the longest time. We were just like, were just like in that space. And I think that we were all kind of like looking at her face, knowing something was different, you know? And so nobody was saying anything. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so can you describe what you mean by different?
01:05:56:07 - 01:06:26:23
Unknown
Well, so I guess I really at the time I didn't know, I do know like her, her legs like her, she has that hip dysplasia. So there was that and, you know, there was just some things that I was like, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. It was like something's something's off. And, Beautiful. She's beautiful.
01:06:27:01 - 01:06:51:11
Unknown
I was like, something is different, you know? So they helped me out of the tub. I they get me all tucked into bed, and Chris is just cleaning me up and putting new towels down and, like, you know, and it was. I mean, I don't know how long Jess stayed, but probably an hour or two. And, after she left, Chris had come in.
01:06:51:12 - 01:07:07:13
Unknown
He was just switching out towels again or something, and he didn't leave my side most of the time, but he just like he was. I remember he was just like, coming in maybe with new towels or something. And I remember looking at him and I was like, do you think that she is? And I didn't even say anything.
01:07:07:13 - 01:07:39:04
Unknown
And he just shook his head. Yes. And we both just cried. I feel like I'm going to cry right now just thinking about it. Me too. It's a big deal. Yeah. So there was just this wide range of emotions during that time because we were just like, wow. And not what? Not what we had expected, obviously. And so then we.
01:07:39:06 - 01:08:06:05
Unknown
So then the girls, the girls come home after that. And Eddie still in her softball uniform, super dirty. I black under her eyes and they crawl on my bed and they're just like, I still, the videos and pictures I have are just like, I will cry again. Just looking at how hard they're crying because they've been wanting a baby sister baby for so long because they went through those losses with us, you know?
01:08:06:06 - 01:08:31:12
Unknown
And there's just something so special about older kids like that. Yeah. You know. Yeah. It's a really sweet age. Yes. Yeah. So, I know you guys don't know my, my Eddie but she, is she a we can always everybody knows that what comes out of its mouth is going to be truth. She, she doesn't have a filter.
01:08:31:14 - 01:08:59:13
Unknown
And we all just like adore that about her. And so we're all on the bed and we've all just been like taking this moment of everybody just being together right on the bed. And Eddie looks at her and she goes, Her eyes almost look like she's down syndrome. And Chris and I looked at each other, and then we looked at her, and then she was like, she is.
01:08:59:15 - 01:09:27:23
Unknown
And, nobody really, like, confirmed it with words. We all just, like, had a little, like, a little cry over it and just, because we were like, wow. And in my mind I'm thinking like, okay. And Chris is to like, what are the things that we should be concerned about right now? Yeah. Next. Yeah. And you know, something else I did notice was that her little hands and her little feet were very purple.
01:09:28:00 - 01:09:52:15
Unknown
They were very purple. And she was very sleepy, you know, and so, of course, like, with this layer, you're going to question, like those things independently. Yeah. Or nothing, you know, but you're going to, like you said, you're going to be like in that filter of like, yeah, what do I need to be noticing? And what does this mean?
01:09:52:15 - 01:09:58:00
Unknown
And yeah, yeah. And so.
01:09:58:01 - 01:10:22:01
Unknown
Yeah. So I felt like, you know, there's part of you that goes, is there, is there something I'm supposed to do, you know, am I it's just where you're supposed to, like, seek some expert, you know? And, you know, Chris was so supportive too, but I just he's like, what? What do you feel? What? You know, what do you feel like we need to be doing?
01:10:22:01 - 01:10:38:17
Unknown
What do you feel? And I was like, I feel like we just need to be home. Like we need to be here. Like, I'm just going to keep her on my body, and I'm just going to keep trying to feed her because she was too tired to eat. And, you know, and then, of course, you know, we're googling.
01:10:38:17 - 01:10:58:04
Unknown
It's funny because I know, but it was like, we don't know, right? Yeah. He might have gone to med school and, you know, like, but we need to have Google stop being the place we turn to. But at this time, like I didn't I don't know anybody that has course. Of course. Yeah. This is a completely foreign situation for me to be in.
01:10:58:04 - 01:11:17:21
Unknown
And I really wasn't prepared to know, like what things are you supposed to look for with when a baby presents like this, you know? So. And then I have friends that are nurses. And my cousin, she's like a sister to me. That's a nurse. And of course, they're all I. Immediately I was like, I'm not listening to any more people.
01:11:18:00 - 01:11:38:22
Unknown
Yeah. Because and I know it was out of like, love loving concern. You know, I know, I know where their heart was and their intentions, but it was very much like she needs to go have her heart checked. She needs to have her lungs checked. She needs to have, you know, it was all these all these new concerns.
01:11:38:22 - 01:12:04:19
Unknown
They. And I was like, you know what? I feel like she's I feel like she's okay. And I kept thinking like moment to moment, I'll just keep, like, reassessing. Where are we at, mommy, mama baby. Like, where are we at? And so yeah, of course there was like outside voices and fear. I also I'm by no means an expert in this field at all, but I, I don't understand why it would need to happen soon.
01:12:04:23 - 01:12:26:22
Unknown
Like I could understand the potential of, like, looking into that stuff at some point, but like why in the first week of life? Yeah, I think because they noticed her hands and feet were purple. That's what stands out to me. And because she wasn't, she was so tired. So I think that they had come up with. Yeah. Alert.
01:12:27:04 - 01:13:07:13
Unknown
Yeah, yeah. Nurse. Yeah. It took her. It took her a couple of days to really get the hang of it. And that that was rocky, which with my other girls, that wasn't rocky at all. It was just something that just naturally happened and was super actually easy for me, you know? But with Dottie, it was it was a different experience because she was just so tired and she didn't latch for very long, and I just was I it's funny because I say that there was like these new fears, but I feel like as soon as I decided to turn off all of the projected fears of others and just really, like sat in my
01:13:07:13 - 01:13:37:10
Unknown
own body and focused in on me and baby, I feel like the fear kind of went away. Like, not completely right. But, she was she was doing great. And you're choosing to resource yourself like resource from within, which is the antidote to chronic fear or toxic fear. Yes. So yeah, I mean, so it took us, it took us a while to come up with a name for her.
01:13:37:12 - 01:13:58:12
Unknown
And because we don't know if he was gonna be a boy or girl and we didn't have, like, really like, names, but, yeah, Chris came and he's like, five days later and he's like, I know what her name is. And, my grandmother's name was Dorothy. And anyways, Dottie means gift of God. And so he told me, it's Dottie.
01:13:58:14 - 01:14:23:22
Unknown
And we had a good cry over that. And it was really beautiful. But yeah, initially just her presenting in that way and then having so many people be so concerned, so concerned and honestly, like, I think back at all of this and I'm like, I think, God, we did not walk through the doors of the medical system while I was pregnant.
01:14:24:00 - 01:14:51:13
Unknown
All the tests that would have been done, all of the oh, just the trauma. I just think of all the things, all the things that would have been dissection into NICU, oh, into insane amounts of ultrasound, you know, exposure. Yes. Tense about taking taking a sweet little soul that needs perhaps some extra, like, support, like energetic support or whatever.
01:14:51:14 - 01:15:22:13
Unknown
Yeah. And that would have really hurt her. It would have. Yeah. I mean, I really and yeah, I just think about like the entire pregnancy and the birth and her entire this whole first year of life, like she, we've not taken her to see any experts. Yeah. So tell me a bit about that before we wrap today. So it's been a year and you.
01:15:22:15 - 01:15:44:10
Unknown
Like what. So you decide to keep her home and kind of close out all the fear mongering and you just live life. Yeah. And I, you know, I had four months off with her, and she I kept thinking, like, I'm supposed to go back to work, you know, and, and I just, I knew I couldn't leave her.
01:15:44:10 - 01:16:12:14
Unknown
And I did try going back to work for a couple of weeks. And during this time, actually, because of how amazing Jess was. So this is like the work that you started, Emilee, and the amount of women that you impact, and not just with your podcast and with your social media platforms, but like women to women to women, to women like and you know, this already, but just really inspired me to do that work.
01:16:12:14 - 01:16:37:09
Unknown
And my experience with her was really an inspiration. And so while I had got home and I was home, I started I didn't I just started looking for another place I could do that kind of work. And so I ended up getting certified as a dual, and I don't work under the certification, but I ended up doing that.
01:16:37:09 - 01:16:58:22
Unknown
And with that, Dottie also wouldn't take a bottle, which what a blessing, right? But I got obsessed with attachment parenting and understanding attachment parenting and thinking about how I parented, you know, 21, 16 years ago. And what I did with those babies is I went back to work, you know, and so I was obsessed with attachment parenting, and she wouldn't take a bottle.
01:16:58:22 - 01:17:22:11
Unknown
And I was like, this is the kind of work I'm, I, I feel called to do. And so that was a really PivotTable, pivotal time in my life because like, literally everything shifted right then. And so Dot's been just solely breastfeeding this whole year, and it'll probably be quite a bit longer because she still didn't have a single tooth, which is cute.
01:17:22:13 - 01:17:44:16
Unknown
Yeah. So is that kind of the question you asked me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like what this last year has looked like. And how is she? And like. Yeah, just anything else? Yeah. So how is she? I mean, a lot of people will notice her and they'll ask like, you know, in what ways is she, like delayed?
01:17:44:16 - 01:18:09:10
Unknown
And I will tell you that. And I almost want to credit just her having not gone through everything in pregnancy and everything in the that traumatic birth in the system and having, being being excluded from all of that, protected. Yeah, she's been protected. She's been so protected and she's been with me. And that's super important. Right. And to her development.
01:18:09:10 - 01:18:29:13
Unknown
And so my sister in law had a baby five weeks before me. So we've got we've gotten to watch Ozzie and Dottie kind of grow together. And so I don't ever check milestones or that's not something I check. I don't I don't check how much she ways, I don't I don't do any of that. Yeah, it's a little weird.
01:18:29:14 - 01:18:50:05
Unknown
Like she's doing great, she eats good and she, she poops and she's doing all the things. So, so it's been. And also then. So what that, you know, like. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, yeah, but it's been kind of fun because I can watch Ozzy five weeks ahead of her doing these things. And Dot's really not far behind him, you know?
01:18:50:06 - 01:19:14:02
Unknown
And, yeah, she's just she's brilliant and she's strong. She's so strong. She she she's standing and she wants, she's ready to. She wants to walk like she's pulling herself up and standing. And she gets around and it's and she's. Yeah, she's really brilliant. She's, she's really a lot of fun. She is just the light of this house.
01:19:14:03 - 01:19:42:18
Unknown
She's funny. Yeah. Yeah. So it's been a good last year. It's been really beautiful. Yeah, yeah. It's interesting. You know, in our culture, there's this. I mean, it's more than a suggestion. Like a real social demand that if a baby is going to be different or have any sort of special needs than it's than it needs even more life in the system, right?
01:19:42:18 - 01:20:10:17
Unknown
That it needs even more medical attention and treatment and involvement in the system. And, and then there's this whole other way of thinking that perhaps they need way less. Yeah. And I think that's it. Emilee, I really think that that is exactly what they need is way less because, just seeing other children with down syndrome and the things that they go through and, and even saying that, I'm always hesitant to even say that because it's never been an official diagnosis.
01:20:10:18 - 01:20:33:15
Unknown
And what is that diagnosis anyways? And like, she's just simply dotty, right? That's not her identity or part of like really her identity. But but it is. But it is. Yeah, right. I mean, it's going to be, it is and it it is because people because visually it's fairly obvious is what I'm hearing you say, right. Yeah. Yeah, it must be.
01:20:33:16 - 01:20:53:03
Unknown
I mean, it's funny because the girls are really protective of that and like defensive, like people, people will come up and go, oh, what what trisomy is she. You know, and, and kind of but they're also grandparents of one and they have like this it's like outpouring love of right. And yeah they'll be like, what are you talking about?
01:20:53:04 - 01:21:15:16
Unknown
Like my girls would be like, she doesn't even look that she doesn't even look that way. Like they don't even see it, you know? So I'm like, it must be fairly obvious, but also at the same time, our family. Right. It's so funny to me that, like, it might be fairly obvious to other people and we honestly day to day we don't even see it, so I don't know.
01:21:15:18 - 01:21:48:19
Unknown
Yeah. So do you. Do you walk with any concerns about her health moving? Like not at all. Just my own ignorance of, like, the things I've just heard about. Things to look out for check on. Right. Yeah. Not at all. Yeah I have, we have zero concerns over her health and anyway yeah I know like she's been so she's just been so healthy and there hasn't been a point past the initial like okay what are the things.
01:21:48:19 - 01:22:07:06
Unknown
And then like well I guess she does, you know her feet and her hands are blue like purple. You know, there's like those things initially and then like, as I just trusted that I was going to be enough for her. I am enough for her. Like, as soon as, like, we got past that first little piece, like, we haven't had it.
01:22:07:07 - 01:22:30:14
Unknown
We haven't had a single concern this whole time. She just doesn't privately baby girl, it's a it's a real consciousness shift, you know, because the, the, the old way is like, yeah, yeah, that's all great. But what if my baby is. There are certain things you cannot see with your eyes that is responsible to be on the offense about, because maybe that could save her life.
01:22:30:16 - 01:22:54:01
Unknown
Like we're aware of of the and all those things cross section two because there were so many people that felt like I was being irresponsible, and I know that that's how they were feeling. But my point is that it's actually, it's it's a different consciousness to what did you say at the beginning of the pregnancy that you made a, like, a fully embodied choice to fully trust God.
01:22:54:02 - 01:23:18:01
Unknown
And it's not like that ends when you see that your baby has downs like that. That's like when it might really even take it to the next level. And there's this. I don't know if I'll be able to articulate it as well as I would like to, but there's this real consciousness shift in what I'm hearing you say that is allowing allowing her to be perfect.
01:23:18:03 - 01:23:46:02
Unknown
And if you saw, you know, if you saw her as basically a problem waiting to happen, you know, essentially is like essentially what the label is suggesting, right? It is. Yeah. And instead, you know, seeing, seeing and actually, you know, choosing to normalize her for exactly is who she is. And I think what people confuse about that is that doesn't mean you're not paying attention.
01:23:46:03 - 01:24:08:00
Unknown
Right. Like, it doesn't mean that if in fact, it, you know, arguably means the opposite, that she's she's perfect. And if anything symptomatically, you know, were to present that you felt needed extra help or guidance like da you would figure that out and you would explore that. Would it be the hospital? I don't know, maybe it would be a medicine woman.
01:24:08:00 - 01:24:42:07
Unknown
Maybe it would be, you know, something else. But people really confused this idea around wild pregnancy and sovereign birth and, you know, mothering outside the system that it's, you know, neglectful and irresponsible, but but also that it's suggestive of ignoring, you know, but they can't see from their own consciousness that all their shit's like projection, prophylactic, offensive, you know, meddling instead of what I feel is far more true to be, like you said, be enough until proven otherwise.
01:24:42:08 - 01:25:07:03
Unknown
Like, you know, be with the child, be fully in with your baby, with all of your awareness and all of your, your, your wholeness. And then see what happens. And from that state, like you've got it, like whatever it is, you know, it's so that's like confidence in mothering, which I really see you embody. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
01:25:07:05 - 01:25:36:21
Unknown
Awesome. Anything else you want to say before we close? No. This is a lot of fun. Thank you for having me. Yeah, that was great. All right, well, you got to take MMI and come to the festival and. Yeah, out with me and agreed on my list. All of them? Yes. For sure. Thank you so much. Thank you.
01:25:36:23 - 01:26:02:13
Unknown
I hope you enjoyed the show today. You can support this podcast by donating to it through the link in the show notes below. And of course leaving an awesome review on whatever platform you listen on. The more reviews, the more visibility the show gets. So let's spread the good word of sovereign birth. Don't forget, you can watch our podcast interviews on YouTube and see the women as they tell their birth and power stories.
01:26:02:13 - 01:26:34:23
Unknown
And you'll also find our viral free birth collection of epic raw birth videos on our YouTube. Make sure you're subscribed to our channel! We've always got a lot going on at Free Birth Society, and you can find out all about it at Free Birth Society Freiburg Society on Instagram and opt in to my newsletter below. We offer courses on free birth, authentic midwifery, the blood Mysteries, as well as one on one coaching, in-person retreats and of course, our annual women's gathering, the Matriarch Rising Festival.
01:26:35:00 - 01:27:00:02
Unknown
Our exclusive private vetted membership. The Lighthouse is definitely something to check out if you're looking for a community of wise sisters to get guidance from and to meet in real life. Together we rise. Sisters. We must speak our stories, fully, claim our lives, and support one another. This is the living revolution and I am so grateful to be in it with all of you.
01:27:00:03 - 01:27:35:19
Unknown
I'll leave you with our gorgeous free birth society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba. Read I honor you for the wisdom you have. The ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored eons upon light. Fields of survival with standing the eradication of our power by design.
01:27:35:21 - 01:28:02:03
Unknown
I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth in captivity the picket line redefine from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging our babes, strapped down in a clinical white beard, drying up the milk from our breasts. Keep your needles. My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons.
01:28:02:03 - 01:28:28:07
Unknown
All your parents. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention, death, ascension. I will fly and bring her back from the start. Just conception. While the woman. She still lives inside her heart.
01:28:28:09 - 01:28:35:06
Unknown
Wild woman from you I will not hide.
01:28:35:08 - 01:28:50:03
Unknown
They could not bend your spirits away. So please teach me your way. I'm ready to love from you while you're.
01:28:50:05 - 01:28:57:13
Unknown
I still run around the world when it's time.
01:28:57:14 - 01:29:05:00
Unknown
I still run, run, run, run me were all one's wild.
01:29:05:02 - 01:29:12:08
Unknown
I still round, run, run with the wolves. When the sky.
01:29:12:10 - 01:29:17:20
Unknown
We all came from. While the woman.
