00:00:06:00 - 00:00:41:04
Unknown
Into the wild and go into the wild, I am. It's been a while. Freedom, child, since I left my roots back home into I don't go into the wild I had. It's been a wild freedom child since I left my roots back home. Welcome to the Free Birth Society podcast. This is a radical space for women who are ready to celebrate their autonomous choices in birth, motherhood and beyond.
00:00:41:06 - 00:01:01:00
Unknown
Together, we'll learn about wild birth through personal narrative. We'll explore the politics of birth and will analyze everything that relates to our lives as women. From a feminist perspective, here's your host, Emilee Saldaya. Wild freedom check.
00:01:01:02 - 00:01:10:14
Unknown
Saints have left my room bare home.
00:01:10:16 - 00:01:31:09
Unknown
Welcome, Kendra. Hi. Good to be here. Yeah. Good to have you. We were just saying I'm saying this a lot on this season, and it's a long time coming. And you've been in my life, in my awareness for quite a few years now, I think I joined the membership for maybe five years ago, and then just kind of like thumbed through stuff.
00:01:31:09 - 00:01:56:08
Unknown
I wasn't even pregnant. It wasn't even, like on my radar yet. It was just like looking for community and like my women. And so I think I probably just, like, worked for a long time. And then when I decided I was going to have a baby, I was like, okay, let's really lock it in here. And we should we should make an option in the membership on your profile to just put lurker.
00:01:56:10 - 00:02:19:10
Unknown
Yeah, totally. Except to invested in it. I would never get to where the lurker title I have like relationships within the membership. I would never get to use it. And so this was were you already living in Utah but when you joined. No. Okay. But it was before your first child. Yep, yep. I was just new to Utah and just looking for community.
00:02:19:10 - 00:02:40:12
Unknown
It's like I didn't really know anyone here. And so I was like, well, the online space is easy to connect people all over and kind of like find like crunchy community. And I actually don't even know how I came across rebirth if it was just like suggested in the algorithm, or if I was doing some sort of a search on like Radical Women or something.
00:02:40:12 - 00:03:04:07
Unknown
But I got connected. I was like, all right, let's test this out. So have you met have you met women in your local area? From the membership? We've had conversations. It's one of those things where one of us, the persons closest to me, one of us has been pregnant or like early postpartum, kind of back to back. And so we've changed a little bit but haven't made that the connection yet.
00:03:04:08 - 00:03:29:01
Unknown
There used to be a radical birth keeper in my area, but I think Utah feels like one of those kind of like transient places like like Montana, Idaho, Utah, Colorado like mountain people feel like they kind of come and go. Yeah. Okay. So we are here to hear your big stories. You have really heard them all the way through like we will today.
00:03:29:01 - 00:03:52:15
Unknown
So I'm looking forward to that. And so I'd love to just start with you sharing a bit of a snapshot of who are you before your first pregnancy. What's your orientation to birth at this point to the medical system? Like a little bit of, yeah, just like, what's your life like, what do you what are you about before the pregnancy?
00:03:52:15 - 00:04:12:23
Unknown
And then just walk us into that first pregnancy and then that birth story? Yeah. So my family in general was pretty indoctrinated in the medical system. I mean, got all of the regularly scheduled vaccines and if anything was wrong, you know, you'd go to the hospital. And I was kind of always the black sheep of my family in that sense.
00:04:12:23 - 00:04:32:00
Unknown
Like, I very clearly remember, like making my own remedies for things like in middle and high school, like making avocado masks for my hair and egg and stuff, and my family being like you, you can't just like, use our groceries for this. And so I just always thought like, yeah, you go to the hospital to have a baby.
00:04:32:01 - 00:05:02:13
Unknown
I mean, my grandmother had three, one, two, three, four C-sections. My mom had three C-sections, and my sister, who now has five kids, she had all vaginal births, but all in the hospital, all with epidural and kind of the standard routine of, you know, getting ultrasounds and prenatal visits. And actually, I didn't want kids, which is so crazy because now I'm like madly in love with motherhood.
00:05:02:18 - 00:05:28:18
Unknown
But, just kind of a story of like, a lot of trauma growing up, just really chaotic family stuff. There's addiction and abuse and broken relationships and just really, like, not a good model for not only like a family, but like, specifically like a matriarch. Like they were matriarchs in my house, but they didn't have, like, clear boundaries or just they weren't very clear or clean.
00:05:28:18 - 00:05:48:04
Unknown
It was like kind of muddled. And so I thought I wasn't going to have kids. And I moved to Utah and I met my boyfriend. I don't know, in a couple of months. And it was like, right in we were spending like hours a day talking like I didn't have a TV. And so we were just like really getting into like the heavy hitting topics.
00:05:48:04 - 00:06:06:07
Unknown
We're talking like politics and religion and kids and trauma and vices and all of this stuff. And I just kind of was like, yeah, I don't, I don't see kids for me. And it was really just because I had a lot of my own shit, and it was like, I would never want a kid to go through what I've been through.
00:06:06:07 - 00:06:26:10
Unknown
And so one way to prevent that is to just not have kids. And after just like a lot of like self-reflection and just kind of like being honest in my relationship with my boyfriend, I realized that that was the reason. It had nothing to do with not wanting kids. It was just like, I've got a lot of stuff here that would maybe keep me from wanting to have kids.
00:06:26:10 - 00:06:37:21
Unknown
And after we had gone through that, I got pregnant. Maybe, maybe a year into US dating and.
00:06:37:23 - 00:06:57:22
Unknown
I'll give you the whole timeline as we go through. But like in a matter of five years, we've had 15 lifetimes. But yeah, got pregnant right away. And I was so excited. And I remember like, of course, buying the pregnancy test. And I did like ten of them because I was like, okay, well, this one says it, but surely these ones won't.
00:06:57:23 - 00:07:22:07
Unknown
And I go through all of them and we're super excited, and we're kind of going through all of this craziness of getting ready to build a new house. And there's just like, a lot going on. It was the beginning of Covid, and so everyone's going home and just a lot. And I end up going to the bathroom one day and I'm spotting and I'm like, okay, well, this seems too far into have been like an implantation bleed.
00:07:22:07 - 00:07:46:12
Unknown
And it seems like too much blood to be viable. So I end up calling like a local midwifery practice and I'm just like, hey, this is kind of what's going on. Can you walk me through maybe what it is or just like, give me some insight here. Just like really looking for like a bit of comfort, I think, and like a woman to lean on that could say like, yeah, this might be what's going on, or this isn't what's going on.
00:07:46:18 - 00:08:08:01
Unknown
And they get me in right away. And I just, I'm not sure what I expected, but I just get kind of like a surprise ultrasound. So I'm going in and she's just like, how are you feeling? We can take your blood pressure. And so I'm like, kind of a transvaginal. No, no. Just like an abdominal one. Oh, so you're already.
00:08:08:02 - 00:08:11:21
Unknown
How far along?
00:08:11:23 - 00:08:32:06
Unknown
Maybe like a couple of months. Okay. It's pretty it's pretty early and. But I'm just, like, laying there and she's kind of just, like, feeling my belly. And it seriously is, like, in the blink of an eye, she turns to me and, like, has it, like, on my bed, like my stomach is bare. And so she just kind of feeling I'm like, okay, I'm fine with this.
00:08:32:06 - 00:08:51:12
Unknown
And I've already, you know, made contact with Free birth society at this point. And so I'm thinking, like, I know that I don't want an ultrasound. I know, kind of like my boundaries are kind of starting to shore up a little bit. And it seriously, she just turns and it's like no warning. And suddenly she just like goes.
00:08:51:12 - 00:09:12:04
Unknown
Yeah, I just I don't think it's viable. It could be a what is it called when there's like a little blood, like a hematoma. Is that what it is? Yeah. She's like, yeah, she said it could be, but we'll just watch over the next couple of days. And if you want, we can take your blood to see how your hormone levels are going.
00:09:12:05 - 00:09:34:12
Unknown
And if so, she's like, it could be nothing like it could be totally not viable. Yes, but either way, you can take your blood and you should come back every four 48 hours and till we see if it is climbing or falling. Okay. And I and that was kind of it. It was like there was no like comfort at all or even like bedside manner.
00:09:34:12 - 00:10:13:20
Unknown
And she's really one of like the, the renowned midwives in the area. And I just remember like like a just shock, like kind of leaving. They're like, oh, I wasn't expecting that or that. And I got all of this and then I'm just supposed to go home. And I remember my boyfriend at the time was at work. And so I'm just like, sitting at home, like in a state of confusion and uncertainty of like, I don't know what's going to happen and I end up miscarrying and, yeah, I just remember, like this feeling of like, I wasn't going to go back into the system or the hospital and things like that to like, work
00:10:13:20 - 00:10:35:11
Unknown
through the miscarriage. It felt like my body was handling it, but I remember feeling like it was taking longer than I thought it should or would. It's like I'd never been pregnant before. And I remember just like telling my boyfriend, like, I just want my body back. Like it just felt so foreign. And then after that miscarriage, it, like, really lit a fire, and I was like, I didn't realize how bad I wanted to be a mom.
00:10:35:16 - 00:10:59:12
Unknown
And till I'd lost the potential of that baby. And so after that, we got pregnant. My very next cycle. And as is after a loss, you get like that nervous feeling of like, oh, is it real? Is it too early to get excited? When should I start feeling things? And that's when I kind of start to drift a little bit, you know, back towards not necessarily going in.
00:10:59:12 - 00:11:19:08
Unknown
I had a wild pregnancy up until 20 weeks, but I'm like googling things like, how soon should I start feeling kicks? Or what are the signs of pregnancy? Or what are the chances of miscarriage after your first one. And so just kind of like disembodied. Yeah. You're afraid. Yeah, totally. I'm like, I, I can't let myself get too excited because what if it happens again?
00:11:19:09 - 00:11:39:19
Unknown
Well, totally. And it does not. I continue to grow and strong symptoms. And then I have a belly. And so around 20 weeks or so, I start thinking like, okay, well, what is my birth team going to look like? And I'm thinking, okay, well, if I could find like a cool midwife and like a rad doula to support me at home, like that's what I would want.
00:11:39:20 - 00:12:13:22
Unknown
Like I would want to be out of the system. Still not fully understanding that like they are one in the same, just at different locations. And I turn one often leads to the other, right? I know all too well. Yeah. And so I turned to Instagram because Google just like not pulling up much. Like, honestly, I'm looking for like a black midwife doula, some someone who can understand the complexities of being black and pregnant, living in a predominantly white and very religious state.
00:12:14:00 - 00:12:36:21
Unknown
But like, I can count on to, you know, go to bat for me. Does she exist? Not from what I found. I've heard kind of some rumblings. I know of some really, really awesome doulas, both certified and not by both licensed and not licensed, but I don't know of, I guess I maybe no one, maybe one black midwife.
00:12:36:21 - 00:12:54:03
Unknown
But that was after I'd gone through this, and that's how I came to know her. And doulas aren't licensed. I think you mean certified. Certified certified. Yeah, yeah. And so I ended up finding this fantastic doula, and she just kind of like she tells me like, hey, I just want you to know I'm not certified. If that's a concern.
00:12:54:04 - 00:13:18:15
Unknown
It was like, I don't care, I love that. Let's do it. It's an immediate yes for her. And then the midwife that I find is, she's a white passing woman who is like, very. Very strongly claiming her roots of being like, indigenous and having grown up on a reservation. And so I'm like, okay, well, maybe, maybe this is close as I can get.
00:13:18:15 - 00:13:48:05
Unknown
And it seems like, okay, let's do it. And just kind of from the jump, it wasn't great. It wasn't great. Like I didn't want to do ultrasounds, I didn't want to do tests. And so as the weeks kind of go on and thinking like, I think I just like hired a friend and I and I don't know that she was always very warm to the idea of like, I just didn't feel like I needed her services.
00:13:48:06 - 00:14:03:21
Unknown
Like I didn't hire her until 20 weeks. And I was like, yeah, I don't want to do Aldridge sound. I don't want to do the Doppler. I don't really want to do any tests. Like, it would just be nice to have someone come and, like, palpate my belly and, like, drink tea and then like, reassure me that this emotional rollercoaster that I'm on is.
00:14:03:23 - 00:14:37:05
Unknown
And you said that stuff. Yeah. And her response was, fine. It was like, oh yeah, that sounds great. It's like, I would love to be that person for you. It was very convincing. It's like I'm thinking at this time, like I've found the one. I through all the internet sleuthing, I have found the one midwife who is licensed will attend a home birth, but is also, like supernatural and open to like a woman centered birth where she doesn't have to intervene.
00:14:37:09 - 00:15:01:12
Unknown
I remember you posting about her pre preacher birth. Yeah, and plot twist exactly what it was, but I remember because it always stands out to me when women, you know, say what you just said. You said something about like I am choosing to go with a a licensed midwife and she's like totally on. Yeah. And sold it so well that I was like, okay, this work.
00:15:01:12 - 00:15:27:19
Unknown
And so we do like the the prenatal visits don't really include much other than just kind of talking and measuring and palpate and that's fine. And then pregnancy goes on without a hitch. I have easy breezy pregnancy. I feel great throughout. And then we start getting towards the end and I'm at, you know, 40 weeks comes and goes, 41 weeks comes and goes, 42 weeks comes and goes.
00:15:27:19 - 00:15:47:13
Unknown
And I start kind of getting, just like little nudges from her that are like, hey, like, I know we still have some time, but I want you to know that at 42 and six, I legally have to transfer your care to an OB. I can no longer be your midwife. And so the panic ensues and I'm like, well, crap.
00:15:47:13 - 00:16:09:01
Unknown
I've been like. I've been intentional in having you walk through this pregnancy with me so that you could be at my birth. And now suddenly there's this thought being introduced that like, not only will you maybe not be there, but I could be passed off to someone I haven't had a single appointment with. They have no idea of my history, no investment in like my birth outcome.
00:16:09:03 - 00:16:43:20
Unknown
And so it just kind of like keeps, keeps giving brought up. And so, she suggests the midwives brew, which is like, why which is like the, the toxic mix of, like the Castro oil and the tea. And I don't remember what else is in it, but the goal is to induce labor. And so finally I'm thinking, okay, if I can start my labor at home, even if I have to labor for a few days, I could have my baby before 42 and six, and I could keep the care that I originally wanted to go through with.
00:16:43:21 - 00:17:03:16
Unknown
That's the whole pressure and pitch. Yeah, yeah. And lo and behold, it does start my labor kind of in the middle of the night. And I remember, like, leaning over the bed. I'm on my knees leaning on the bed, and I'm like, whoa, okay, this seems like it could be it. And I wake my boyfriend up and we call the midwife.
00:17:03:16 - 00:17:27:17
Unknown
And I download this app to, like, track my contractions from the start. It immediately says, like, time to go to the hospital. And so I'm thinking, okay, it's on. Like I might have a baby soon and the midwife shows up and just kind of like palpate my belly sees how I'm doing. And I remember asking her, like, I just like, I can't get comfortable.
00:17:27:18 - 00:17:47:20
Unknown
Can you, can you help me with, like, positioning or something to ease this? Like, I'm, I just don't feel well. And she told me if you're needing help with positioning, it's probably time to call your doula. Hey, if you are new to all the things we're talking about on this show, then you need to go grab our most popular free resource, the Free Birth Starter Kit.
00:17:47:21 - 00:18:11:10
Unknown
It's a crash course and everything you need to know to start wrapping your head around the world of sovereign birth. The starter kit includes over three hours of teachings from me on how birth works, what all this new language means, like wild pregnancy or radical birth keeper. I touch on emergencies, complications in free birth, postpartum care including the placenta and umbilical cord care, dealing with the what ifs, nervous partners, and more.
00:18:11:10 - 00:18:35:13
Unknown
We love resourcing our listeners, and this free birth starter kit is rocking people's boats and blowing their minds. And best of all, women are using it to birth in power, which is what we are all about here at grab it in the show notes below and enjoy! And I'm thinking, whoa, oh. So I'm like in it. And you're already kind of like stepping back.
00:18:35:15 - 00:18:58:01
Unknown
Oh yeah, I mean, this is medical free. She doesn't do hip compressions. She doesn't make you food. She doesn't clean up. She doesn't put the bathtub away. She doesn't tend to you at all. No, it's it's wild. Yeah. And so I call my doula and she's all too happy to come over, and she's like a real midwife. That's the thing.
00:18:58:01 - 00:19:15:07
Unknown
Yeah. She's got like a lineage of, you know, birth keeping in her family. She's not tied. And she just, like, comes over and, like, holds my hand and, like, flushes my hair out of my face and gives me sips of water and pours like warm water on my back while I'm laboring in the tub and just, like, gives affirmations what I need it.
00:19:15:08 - 00:20:03:15
Unknown
She midwife's you. Yes, this is literally what it is. It really stands out to me that you were so honest. And I think everyone who's looking for a midwife is looking for that sister, you know? And it's just so, you know, you, you, you saying earlier around, you know, her like forward facing indigenous roots stuff and you really looking for like what I hear is you're really looking for a sister, you know, and and and you're like, you know, identifying in you the ways that sisterhood would be, like, flagged to you and meaningful to you all the while you have, you know, without knowing because because it's a new territory, the government literally standing between
00:20:03:15 - 00:20:31:16
Unknown
you and this woman by choice of her. And I guess you know you as well, of course, but you're more like the naive one in this whole thing. But it just it all just is. So it's so predatory how women are like, these midwives are really groomed for what becomes woman on woman violence and betrayal. When it's like this sweet, sweet call in your heart as a new mother to be initiated in sisterhood.
00:20:31:17 - 00:20:47:15
Unknown
Like that's all I'm hearing, right? And I think it's particularly hurtful, like you said, when I was very transparent. Right. One thing to say, like, I want this kind of birth and that I sign on with her and I'm like, just kidding, I want something different. But I was very honest upfront and like what I was looking for.
00:20:47:15 - 00:21:19:02
Unknown
And she said she tried that and it didn't. And I remember, like lying in the bathtub, my boyfriend and the at the like the side of the bathtub and like, looking around the corner into my bedroom and I can see her, like on her laptop, just like typing away. And I remember being like, wow, that feels off. Like not even needed anything in that moment that the two of them could not help but the fact that there were eyes anywhere other than me and there was a screen between us.
00:21:19:06 - 00:21:54:13
Unknown
I just remember feeling like really disjointed there. And so I labor through the night, and it's just incredibly painful because babies not ready. And, she, like, comes into the bathroom. At one point, he's like, we're going to go get breakfast. Do you want anything? What? Yes. And so I am in like, I'm full throws in labor. And she and her midwife assistant, who I've met two times, leave to go get breakfast, and then they come back and it's still just, like, really hard.
00:21:54:13 - 00:22:20:18
Unknown
So I try and get out of the bathtub and into the bed and I have her check me, and I do not know what she did, but my labor entirely shifted them. Well, I go from maybe like a seven to like a 12 out of ten excruciating pain. And I started having terrible back labor. So every time I'm having a contraction from my neck down, I'm shaking uncontrollably like I cannot get a hold of myself.
00:22:20:18 - 00:22:38:16
Unknown
I cannot get back into my body. And so I decided to just, like, take some time alone. I go off into a room alone and I'm like trying to breathe through things, trying to like, just gather myself back up because I can tell, like, I've fractured and I can't seem to, like, get a grasp on reality. I can't seem to like get into my body.
00:22:38:16 - 00:22:54:03
Unknown
I can't like to tune in with my baby. And at one point she kind of like, knocks on the door and comes in and was like, hey, I said, okay, if I like, check heart tones and just see like how baby's doing. And I'm like, okay, yeah. Because at this point I'm starting to feel like something's got to be wrong.
00:22:54:03 - 00:23:20:06
Unknown
Something's got to be wrong. I shouldn't heard this bad. I shouldn't feel so just disoriented. And she says, like, I'm seeing a lot of, like, D cells here. Like, his heart rate is shooting up and they're dropping down and shooting up and then dropping down. And I think that we should monitor it kind of closely, because this could be reason for a transferred and just the words immediately, like, my heart sinks because I know what happens when you go to the hospital.
00:23:20:08 - 00:23:39:18
Unknown
And so over the next, you know, 30 minutes or whatever. She's monitoring heart tones periodically, and she just was like, we're not at a state of emergency yet, but I think it could get there and it would be better to get there. Give yourself time to make a decision than it would be for you to have to be transported by ambulance.
00:23:39:20 - 00:24:04:09
Unknown
It's like they line them up and have them practice the same scripts for years. Like this is a textbook comment that they all make. It's really weird. Yeah, and it was just like she was tired of being there, of course. And like, now I can look back and see that, like, my doula would have 1,000% supported me in staying home.
00:24:04:13 - 00:24:22:14
Unknown
But I didn't know the time that I was looking for someone to save me. I was looking to be saved in that birth, and she was the one who was saying, like, I can get you out of this. I can just take you to the hospital and we'll just this is what this is what is so heartbreaking because, you know, back to the sister piece.
00:24:22:14 - 00:24:45:08
Unknown
Like, it's very normal for a first time mom and and second, third, fourth and fifth. But it's very normal for a mom new to this arena to look for someone to save her. That isn't a problem. That really isn't a problem if the midwife has any integrity at all. You know, I go to Purcell the time where they're like, please save me, please check me.
00:24:45:09 - 00:25:03:08
Unknown
Please, please do things like medical shit to me. And I'm like, yeah, absolutely not. But yeah, I did it, you know, because I'm not going to violate you and we're not going to pretend that that's going to do shit to you. I'm going to stand here and fucking believe in you, you know? And we're not going to talk about transfer.
00:25:03:09 - 00:25:39:11
Unknown
Like move on, girl. You know, and this is this is the piece of of just absolute lack of space holding that you being so disoriented after a, after being fisted in your body in the middle of labor and then assessed and told something, I mean, just the whole thing, like you were, you were honestly doomed, honestly, with that kind of shitty support, just hearing the word transfer right there, just like adrenaline coursing in my body, which is conducive to a baby coming out.
00:25:39:12 - 00:26:01:21
Unknown
And so she then like one final time like checks heart tones and is just like, I think it's time we start considering a transfer. And it's like, I remember this feeling of like the world started spinning around me and I like, completely pulled out of labor land. And I was like, okay, there's a diaper bag there, there's onesies there, I need diapers, grab my phone charger, this, that, that.
00:26:01:21 - 00:26:19:23
Unknown
It was like, not only did I completely shift modes out of that, but again, it was this feeling that I can now recognize, like I was just waiting for someone to make the call. I was waiting for someone to say something is wrong so that I could get out of that situation. And then, to be fair to you.
00:26:20:00 - 00:26:46:20
Unknown
She had been priming you for that since you had the audacity to stay pregnant past 42 weeks like you were primed in. It's subtle, you know, but in hindsight, you can probably see it like even even being convinced and manipulated and coerced to take a toxic, you know, drink. It's all pathologies. It's all you're wrong. You need to get in line, and it may or may not work like it's so deep.
00:26:46:20 - 00:27:06:03
Unknown
And it can in a way it's subtle. It's actually quite overt. But but looking back. Right. Do you know what I mean? It's not just it's not just that you were looking for someone to make the call it. It's like she started fucking with you weeks prior. And so it puts, you know, it feels like you're you're you're backed into a corner.
00:27:06:05 - 00:27:23:00
Unknown
Yeah. And the irony of it is if I would have just waited till 42 and six and gotten transferred, probably would have had the same or a better outcome because my baby would have been born by then. Yeah. So we drive to the hospital and we're going to a hospital further away because my doula knows more of the staff there.
00:27:23:00 - 00:27:43:13
Unknown
And we were just it was just a better quality hospital. We never factored it in because I wasn't planning on going to the hospital. But just like an excruciating ride, as you can imagine, in full blown labor. And then it's just once we're at the hospital, it's more tracking, monitoring the baby's heart rate. It's pitocin. I am shaking uncontrollably.
00:27:43:13 - 00:28:06:10
Unknown
Still, it takes some probably 20 or 30 minutes to get the epidural placed because I'm having contractions 2 to 3 minutes apart and violently shaking with everyone and so they can't get it placed. And then after that they're like, well, do you want to try the peanut ball? And so I've been at seven centimeters, let's say, for, I don't know, 15, 20 hours, something like that now.
00:28:06:12 - 00:28:21:16
Unknown
And the nurses keep coming in and it's like, yeah, well he's kind of like, I don't know if it's a boy at this point, but he's like, they're like, yeah, the baby's heart rate is up and down and we just don't know. And I'm like, what the hell? I don't I don't know what to do here. And ultimately I get pitocin.
00:28:21:16 - 00:28:49:22
Unknown
I ask for the lowest dose of Pettersen possible, and I can just tell that I'm inconveniencing every one of them. And so eventually they kind of come in and they say, like, hey, it's been, you know, 30 hours now, you haven't progressed past to seven. And his heart rate is really unpredictable. We can continue to wait it out and we can get your baby out and we can book you in for a C-section.
00:28:50:00 - 00:29:11:05
Unknown
And like in that vulnerable state of, like, not having, like, eaten and just being completely, like, attached to this idea that you're going to get to hold your baby so soon, you're like, I can't get to the end here and lose my baby. And they make it seem like such an easy decision of like, yeah, we can all but guarantee we can just get this baby out right now.
00:29:11:05 - 00:29:30:08
Unknown
It'll be ordering off a menu. Oh, totally. It really was that. They were like, we can wait it out. Or Risky Business letting your body do it. Or we can schedule you in for a C-section. And that's probably the safest. And they even said the same line of like, we can do it. It's it's not an emergency now, but it could progress to that very quickly.
00:29:30:08 - 00:29:52:23
Unknown
And then you may have to be put under for your C-section. I called it's such a classic coercion. Yes. They're just blatant fearmongering that it's like, if you don't, then this. And so I just remember, like asking everyone to leave the room and just talking with my boyfriend and I do and being like, I just don't think I have it in me anymore.
00:29:53:01 - 00:30:14:14
Unknown
And like in that moment, you already start to plant the seed for failure, as if you've done something wrong. And so they take me back for the C-section and it's like you like, oh, I remember right before I went in, one of the nurses goes, this can be a happy occasion. Do you want us to play a certain song?
00:30:14:15 - 00:30:38:15
Unknown
And I remember looking at her and I go, if this is an emergency and you really need to get my baby out, get my baby out. I don't care what music's on. And I just remember the feeling of, like, I'm worried about my child's life. If that's really what's going on here and you're worried about what song you can play in the background for me is it now is the time to introduce some sort of like, humane comfort measure.
00:30:38:16 - 00:30:58:04
Unknown
Yeah, yeah, comical. And so I'm wheeled back and you're laying down, you know, like arms flat out on the table and they start and you could feel just like the pressure and the movement. And before you know it, my baby is there and I can see him. And like, I'm so thankful that immediately I just knew him. I just see his face.
00:30:58:04 - 00:31:22:16
Unknown
And I'm like, of course it was you. I've known you all along, and I'm just so thankful that the drugs didn't override that, because I think that that's a common story. But I just I saw my baby, and I've never known a love like that before. But I knew that I knew him the whole time. And so they passed him over and were just kind of like doing the struggle that you get to do.
00:31:22:16 - 00:31:40:06
Unknown
But all you want to do is like, just grab your baby and protect him from everyone and everything in this bright, cold, sterile room. And then they get him kind of like bundled up and back onto my chest. And I mean, seriously, it is a matter of minutes. I cannot believe how quickly they can get a baby out of you and get you back up.
00:31:40:06 - 00:32:03:06
Unknown
And then they're like, all right, assembly line, move it along. And so I'm just holding him and bawling, just like relief is the feeling that I'm like, okay, he made it. He's here. We can do this. And he latches right away. And then the next few days at the hospital is like just fighting them tooth and nail. They want to give him the myosin.
00:32:03:07 - 00:32:19:23
Unknown
They want to vaccinate him. They don't want me to go sleep with him. They offer me formula on the first day. And so just all of the textbooks, things like a nurse comes in and tells me like, well, when mama is sleeping, babies should be in the bassinet. And I just tell them, like, I'm not going to kill my baby.
00:32:20:05 - 00:32:42:02
Unknown
I've got this. Thanks. And every single nurse that comes in is like, so we see you haven't vaccinated them yet. Are you ready to do that now? And I'm like, read my chart. And then you have a team for the mom and a team for the baby. And they're coming in at different times. And I just get them all together and say, you guys can come in at once or don't come in because we're not healing, we're not sleeping.
00:32:42:02 - 00:33:05:13
Unknown
So coming together or don't come in at all. And after all of this, I just remember feeling like I can't trust any of you as far as I can throw you so I don't sleep. So the night that I started labor or the two days in the hospital, and there's one day that I distinctly remember I'm holding my baby, and I'm looking across the room at the couch, and the pattern on the pillow starts dancing.
00:33:05:15 - 00:33:26:16
Unknown
Yeah. And I literally start hallucinating that, like, inanimate objects in the room or moving because I have not slept. Because I do not trust what they're going to do to me or my baby. I mean, smart, you know, I've heard way too many things about women saying no to vaccines, and they wait till the moms asleep and the nurses do it.
00:33:26:18 - 00:33:46:11
Unknown
Yeah. And so I just remember, like, I am running on fumes at this point. And yeah, I start hallucinating and I just turned to my boyfriend and I say, you've got to get us out of here. Yeah. And so he had jaundice and they wanted to do all of the tests. And they're saying his numbers aren't great. And so we might need to keep you guys another day.
00:33:46:12 - 00:34:09:19
Unknown
And my boyfriend just says, I don't think you understand what I'm saying here. We're leaving tomorrow regardless. Get us the paperwork if you need us to get us the paperwork. But we're leaving and they're like, well, you know, jaundice can cause brain damage, and it's really important. And you just, like, get us the paperwork. And I remember just like feeling again, relief of like, okay, he's got to take care of.
00:34:09:20 - 00:34:39:22
Unknown
We're going to get out of here. I get my baby home. And there's an immediate down regulation in our nervous system that I'm like. I did not realize how hard I was having to fight until we got home. And I look at this baby and I just weep and I'm like, there was never anything wrong with it. I am sitting in my home looking at this perfect baby, and I know without a shadow of a doubt, there was never anything wrong with him.
00:34:40:02 - 00:34:59:05
Unknown
And I just go through this really big process of like apologizing to him. I just tell him like, hey Bud, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that this was our story, that it unfolded this way and never wanted this for you. I need you to know that, like, as your mom, I'm committed to doing better and that this will change everything for us going forward.
00:34:59:07 - 00:35:18:21
Unknown
And it was so sweet. He would just lock eyes with me and then he'd stare off into space, kind of like integrating it, and he'd come back to me and I'd say, like, I just want you to know, I'll continue to do this. Whatever it takes, you're worth all of it. And he would just look off into space and he'd come back to me, and I could just feel his little body soften.
00:35:18:22 - 00:35:42:22
Unknown
Oh, like, okay, mom, I trust you. We're here. And so after that, it was like nothing for the medical system. It's like we're not doing your well visits. We're not doing anything, anything. Anything my baby wants. Yeah, yeah, none of it. And so after that, I'm like, I don't think I could go through it again. And then immediately I'm like, I love this baby so much.
00:35:42:22 - 00:36:08:13
Unknown
You definitely have to have another baby in just a different way. Yeah. And so at that point then we like I mean, that kind of trauma really takes a toll on you. That's what I was just going to ask. Like what? What is your integration process? Like the thought I had when you said you came home and kind of realized how high up you were and how traumatized is, like, my thought was like, that shit takes years to come down from.
00:36:08:14 - 00:36:35:01
Unknown
Like, that is a big experience. What you just articulated so well. So what happens in your processing, you know, until your next pregnancy? I'm not sure when that is. And it sounds like you are very clear that that, that none of that needed to happen. Well, at that time I'm not at that time, I'm still kind of I'm like, forget the system.
00:36:35:01 - 00:36:49:22
Unknown
I don't want to partake in it. But my baby is perfect. So how did things get crossed? And I remember I was actually sitting in a community call with you, and it was my first call. And I just say like, yeah, I'm new here, and I just had a baby and it didn't go the way that I wanted.
00:36:49:23 - 00:37:07:04
Unknown
And you just say, like, do you want to share your story? And I'm thinking like, oh, I, I wasn't really like ready. But yeah, like, it feels big and it's in me and it hasn't like come out yet and I like tell like a high level version of my story because I'm just like not ready to get into the meat of it yet.
00:37:07:04 - 00:37:38:12
Unknown
And I remember you asked like, well, why would you give a tacky like attack a Cardiff baby pitocin? And I remember that was the thread for me. Like, wait a minute. Why would you give a tachycardia baby pitocin? And just like that, everything came crashing down for me. After that call. I questioned all of it, and then I could very clearly see my midwife's intentions and the transfer and how it all worked for the C-section.
00:37:38:12 - 00:37:54:05
Unknown
And there's more money to be made in a C-section. And of course, I could have had plenty of time and my baby would have been probably born by 42 and six. And so then I'm just kind of sitting with this mess of like, oh, so this is the truth. Like it is really just like hit in my body.
00:37:54:10 - 00:38:18:10
Unknown
And I've been in therapy throughout this, but I do some eMDR, a lot of relationship work because we, we just felt like split was not. Yeah. Say more about that because I think this this is very, very common. Yeah. And it wasn't even we didn't realize how much we were fighting each other as opposed to like the outward system.
00:38:18:10 - 00:38:40:04
Unknown
So it's like I think he felt so purposeless, kind of alone. He was like, I didn't protect you in the way that I thought I was going to be able to. He's like, I feel like I broke before you did. And that that was really, like upending for me. And I'm thinking like, why did no one ask any questions?
00:38:40:04 - 00:39:03:19
Unknown
Why did no one just say, what happens if we don't transfer? And so we really went through it like kind of a roommate situation. It felt like for a while, while we both internalized loving this little baby so much, while also sitting with this heavy, heavy grief that we've both gone through after therapy, both couples and individual eMDR.
00:39:03:21 - 00:39:27:22
Unknown
We kind of get to this place of like, again, understanding the truth, not the manufactured truth, but like, really what happened here? And we make our way to wanting a second baby. And would you, would you articulate when you say, like, knowing the truth, not the manufactured truth? Would you kind of articulate that a bit in the, in terms of, of your reconciliation of your relationship?
00:39:28:00 - 00:39:54:17
Unknown
Yeah. Again, I another encounter with you and the membership. I attended a call on the tools, and it was so confronting for me that I remember time I heard them, I was like, how dare anyone think I had anything to do with this? I told everyone what I wanted, so that was like, definitely them. They did this to me.
00:39:54:19 - 00:40:37:20
Unknown
And then I remember just getting like little insights. I think I watched the like recording of multiple times and I was like, wait, but I did play a part in this and just kind of learning to peace out the very nuanced difference between guilt and blame and responsibility. And once I finally got my footing in that it was just this lightning that I had in my spirit that was like, if I can take responsibility for this and just my responsibility because I'm not the only responsible party here, but if I can just own the role that I played in this, I can make sure this doesn't happen again, because ultimately I did consent to the
00:40:37:20 - 00:41:10:07
Unknown
midwife. I consented to her assistant. I consented to having a vaginal exam. I consented to the cease all of this. There were so many checkpoints along the way in which I said, okay, and and the most important one, I would say is before all of that, it's the actual initial engagement in a hierarchical dynamic, which. Right. Because once you're in labor, like, yes, of course there's responsibility, of course.
00:41:10:12 - 00:41:36:09
Unknown
And you know, the vulnerability and easily influence state once you're in the birth process, you know, comes with its own tricky business. But the the choice to engage with a medical provider, essentially, even though she was cool or whatever you whatever that means in this context, sound doesn't sound cool to me at all. But, you know, like that.
00:41:36:10 - 00:41:58:23
Unknown
And I'm saying that less so for you and more so for women like who are trying to wrap their heads around this because it yes, there's always, you know, responsibility to take it every step of your life. And I guess I'd kind of say like, it's kind of unreasonable once you're in the birth process to feel like you can be making super conscious, like logical, self-protective decisions.
00:41:58:23 - 00:42:22:23
Unknown
It's very hard. Which which does play back into the relationship stuff because women emerge from these traumatic births feeling a lot of betrayal, you know, from all parties. And one of the obvious arenas they would explore is their partner. And and you were right there and you were sober like you weren't in birth. And so, you know, why did this happen and why didn't you speak up?
00:42:22:23 - 00:42:43:08
Unknown
And then the partner is like, I didn't even realize that that would have been appropriate, like we hired. And, you know, men don't usually have the words for this, but what they're trying to say is we hired someone to make the decisions, like, why would I question her authority? She has our baby's life in her hands. Like, I thought that was the setup, you know?
00:42:43:08 - 00:43:09:11
Unknown
And so it's just so painful because it's all so legit. It's so legit that because I don't know if I'm articulating as well, but because as a family you entered into a hierarchical, you know, top down dynamic. It suppresses then the ability for him to protect you. Why would he protect you? She's the savior. You don't protect someone from the hero.
00:43:09:12 - 00:43:30:03
Unknown
You protect them from some you know, so it just feel you. It's very, very complicated to unravel. Yeah. And I think actually the half step kind of before the realization of responsibility is just like rage. I remember being like, I'm going to call her. I'm going to like, leave a scathing review wherever I can. Like, I was like, this is your fault.
00:43:30:03 - 00:44:04:18
Unknown
This is your fault. You did this. You failed us. Anything like that's kind of a natural progression of getting you the responsibility portion of it. But then I remember just being like, such a freedom from my own thoughts around it of like, it's actually really beautiful that I am here. And it's unfortunate, the lesson that I had to take to get to this place, but it plays a big role when I decide to get pregnant again, because I know what I want.
00:44:04:19 - 00:44:25:15
Unknown
And then I just am asking myself like, oh, you're pretty pitiful. You committed to feeling that way. I'm like, yeah, yeah, actually I am. And just and to be able to sit and be honest with myself of like, oh, you're really just like grumbling around about stuff. Are you committed to that? And I'd be like, no, this is so not a big deal.
00:44:25:15 - 00:44:49:13
Unknown
I can let that go. And it made things so much more just like authentic. Yeah. Women get so upset with me when I introduced the tools, and I usually say something like, the tools can help you stop lying to yourself. You know, if you want to stop lying to yourself, that's what they've helped me do. At least when I lie, I know that I'm doing it now.
00:44:49:14 - 00:45:10:00
Unknown
And you know when we get so mad, like I don't lie to myself, it's like, okay, but just those questions get you to, like, hack at the lie. You know, that you're stuck or that it's happening to you and all of this, and then you can actually be honest. And there's so much freedom and being like, oh, okay, I'm being a victim and baby right now, and do I want to stay there?
00:45:10:00 - 00:45:29:16
Unknown
And then owning the yes, like, yes, I do want to stay there. I'm totally committed to blaming my dad or blaming my husband or blah, blah, blah, blaming my body. And like, I love this right now. This is giving me the dramatic juice I'm after. It's like so awesome. It's so freeing to own our commitments, whatever they may be.
00:45:29:17 - 00:45:50:05
Unknown
And it feels like even if you are owning the commitment of being whiny, baby, there's play in that now because you're like, now I can really just like this up and I can really whine about it. And then something, this is what I needed. Then it's just gone. But I remember like being committed to, like, shoulder dystocia. My baby's definitely gonna get stuck.
00:45:50:05 - 00:46:08:09
Unknown
Maybe he's definitely gonna get stuck. My mom had C-sections. My grandma had C-section. I mean, my sister had vaginal birth, but, like, she's smaller than me, and maybe it's different and, like. And I would just finally get to, like, I'm asking myself multiple times a day. Are you committed to your baby having, like, experiencing shoulder dystocia? Okay. No.
00:46:08:09 - 00:46:38:02
Unknown
And then it's like it's it'll come up again and I'm like, okay, so you're lying to yourself because the question continues to come up so clearly somewhere in you there is a commitment that you think this is going to happen because it keeps coming up for reevaluation. Or another way of saying it is that it feels some part of you feels like it's responsible to really try that on, you know, there's some sort of it can be sneaky where it feels logical and practical to consider the worst case scenarios.
00:46:38:02 - 00:47:01:17
Unknown
And before you know it, you're like obsessing over them and actually looping in them. But there's a part of the strategy that feels like you're being responsible by doing that, especially if there's no midwife involved, especially if there's no authority involved, because now I'm the authority. So I they would be worrying for me. So now I must worry for.
00:47:01:19 - 00:47:22:21
Unknown
Oh yeah. It's like at what point do women think they become adults. Like at what point are we supposed to, like, take care of our children? Is it after the C-section? Is it. After the pediatrician has signed off on them, when did they hand off? Like when is it? When is it our baby that we're responsible for them as.
00:47:23:00 - 00:47:43:23
Unknown
And that's another interesting thing. With the tools around, I see women weaponize the concept of responsibility over the baby, as if like, let's say, if a baby dies, that they take responsibility for that. Like, you don't take responsibility for someone else dying. I mean, I guess unless you kill them, which is not the case in these situations, at least not at all in my opinion.
00:47:44:00 - 00:48:11:23
Unknown
So let's go back to your partnership. So you guys really sound like you do the work. It's hard. And the tools help unlock a lot of movement in this idea of responsibility. And what happens next as you move into the next pregnancy. So there's it really feels like a peeling back of layers of like getting to myself and I with the tools.
00:48:11:23 - 00:48:30:15
Unknown
I realize that, like, a lot of what I'm thinking is there's just like, not my own thoughts, that I've been kind of influenced by whatever. And so after all of this work in our relationship, I'm like out loud asking myself these questions like, are you above the line? Are you below the line? Are you committed to this? Yes.
00:48:30:15 - 00:49:00:03
Unknown
No. And then once we decide that we want to have another baby, I immediately feel like the authority of my own birth, of my own pregnancy and like maybe on a larger scale, like kind of in my home that I'm like, this has to orient around me. And there was a certain kind of self-assured miss that I had that I was like, I can trust myself to make decisions.
00:49:00:05 - 00:49:24:04
Unknown
No one knows my body better than me. No one knows my baby better than me. I know that I can do this. And so yeah, we decide to get pregnant again and we get pregnant right away. And there's some shakiness in terms of like, okay, okay, how am I going to do this? I opt out of the system again, completely.
00:49:24:04 - 00:49:50:03
Unknown
No one hard pregnancy. I felt like I was sick throughout, gave me lots of opportunities to practice. Like that really was what it felt like. Like a practice of truth, of like what's what's real for you here and over. Yeah, over and over again. But yeah, I just knew I could bet on me. I knew I could bet on me making the decision.
00:49:50:03 - 00:50:16:07
Unknown
And. And so does this. Is this imply that you're already, like, fully aligned with a wild pregnancy and a free birth? Yeah, well, not a free birth at this time. I'm still thinking that I'm going to bring my doula in. She really was fantastic. And again, like, looking back, I know that she would have supported the birth that I wanted, but I was looking for something different at the time.
00:50:16:07 - 00:50:34:15
Unknown
I wanted that midwife to save me. And so I'm thinking like, yeah, I really loved having her there. Truly. Again, the sisterhood piece, it's like she was just there to like, offer drinks of water and like, give me hip compressions and things like that. And so I'm thinking, I'm going to have a home birth with my boyfriend and my doula there.
00:50:34:15 - 00:50:58:17
Unknown
And that's what we're going to do, go through the pregnancy. It's uneventful. It's it's hard in another way just because I have a two year old at the time now. And so that's that's just toddlerhood and pregnancy hard mix. But get through to the end of it. And I'm thinking like, okay, I'm going to have a like I'm going to have probably another 4142 week baby.
00:50:58:19 - 00:51:25:01
Unknown
And so I'm like mentally prepared there and I just don't care. I'm like, I'll go to 49 weeks, 50 weeks. This thing can come out four years old. I'm not going to the hospital. I've got this. And yeah, it's like everything was just different. I am the morning of I your partners down totally, totally, 100% down. He's like, yeah, let's do this.
00:51:25:01 - 00:51:39:01
Unknown
And it's like we have these, like, kind of giddy side conversations in the months leading up to, like, we really going to do this? Yeah, I think we can really do this. And it's like, nobody can totally do this. We can totally do this. But like like, okay. But it's like it's just going to be us. And we're like, yeah, it's just going to be us.
00:51:39:01 - 00:52:01:18
Unknown
And then it becomes kind of a game when people are asking, like, you're going to do a home birth after a C-section and we're like, yeah, yeah, we're totally going to do it. And so it's, yeah, you're the doula is all good with a sovereign birth. Totally. And would this be her first one? Yep, yep. And I actually I had mentioned that to her with my first pregnancy.
00:52:01:18 - 00:52:20:13
Unknown
I had said like, hey, I don't really want someone who's going to be very hands on. How do you feel about attending birth this way? What is. She was like, I, I would be willing to be. I was like, oh, I told her, I have one more midwife to talk to, but if I don't like this midwife, would you be comfortable with it just being us?
00:52:20:13 - 00:52:47:17
Unknown
And she said, yeah, I've never attended a birth in that capacity before, but I'd be willing to. And so again, totally willing to. We've had a relationship through my first pregnancy. So we're like friends at this point hanging out and and so the yeah, boyfriend's totally down and morning of labor I just go to the chiropractor. I'm 39 weeks and two ish days and I'm potty training my toddler.
00:52:47:17 - 00:53:04:17
Unknown
And so he goes potty while we're out of the chiropractor. And so it's like, all right, let's go get like a little reward. We go to the craft store, and I'm kind of just like feeling crampy and achy. And then before I realized that I'm in the store, like holding the shelves, swaying back and forth like, man, these feel intense.
00:53:04:17 - 00:53:22:01
Unknown
If I've got a couple more weeks, I don't know if I'm going to be able to like last at this level for a few more weeks. And my son's kind of like Moses around the craft store, can't decide which like cracked he wants. And at the end of like, buddy, I need you to pick because I don't know if I'm going to be able to drive home.
00:53:22:07 - 00:53:43:07
Unknown
And so we get the craft and we go home and I'm trying to, like, reheat his lunch. And I can't because every probably, I don't know, 5 or 7 minutes. I'm having to pause and lean over my couch or go to the stairs or lean over the counter and like, breathe through contractions. And I'm still totally delusional at this point.
00:53:43:07 - 00:54:06:13
Unknown
I'm like, wow, this is so intense. I can't imagine that I could do this for several more weeks. And my poor toddler, he's like, mama, I'm hungry and it's been 45 minutes. I'm not even making a lunch. I'm just reheating. Yeah, I haven't gotten around to it. Barely. So I actually having a baby. Yeah. And I feel so bad he's hungry.
00:54:06:13 - 00:54:20:14
Unknown
And that like, it dawned on me like, oh my gosh, it's taken me 45 minutes to just heat this food up. I got a call. My boyfriend, he's like downstairs working in the office. And I'm like, so I need you to come up and make lunch because I can't get through it. And he goes, is that you moaning upstairs?
00:54:20:14 - 00:54:39:11
Unknown
And I was like, yeah, I, I think this might be the real deal. And so he like, wraps up at work, heats lunch up for my son and then puts him down for a nap. And then once my son is kind of out of the picture, I am just like moving through contractions on different surfaces, just really breathing through it.
00:54:39:11 - 00:54:54:17
Unknown
And it's intense. But none of it is painful. And I think that it's worth noting that, like, I've really been steeped in like some potent medicine here. Like I just came out of Yolanda's portal.
00:54:54:19 - 00:55:34:00
Unknown
And I had done the self-healing module that she had that she had created. And so I am I run the tools and then portal and then self-healing. I have done like big spiritual medicine here. And yeah, I'm just breathing through them and I'm getting these like visuals. I can see my pelvis like in my throat, I can see my pelvis moving and my baby reorienting themselves through, and I can hear the voices of my ancestors in my head.
00:55:34:02 - 00:56:04:00
Unknown
And I had done a retreat previous to getting pregnant in Asheville and like, really done some deep ancestral work and about like clearing up our lineage. I'd also sat in a medicine ceremony and had like a total just a of self that was related to just like femininity and the mother line and that like, this is the way of the new matriarch in your lineage.
00:56:04:04 - 00:56:26:05
Unknown
And so I can hear the voices of my ancestors in my head and they say, like, you've got to get in the bathtub. And I'm like, downstairs. And I'm like, I can't get upstairs. Like, these are two intense. And so I finally make my way upstairs and I'm breathing through contractions and I'm talking to my baby, and it all feels so different than it did before.
00:56:26:05 - 00:56:47:19
Unknown
It's like, I've done this a thousand times before. I know exactly how to breathe. I know exactly how to move. There's no one there. It's like my boyfriend is just like offering snacks and drinks and just like, sitting very quietly and like I say, even just, like, holding the perimeter. Like I could feel his presence. He wasn't, you know, like cheerleading me or like, you're doing a great job.
00:56:47:19 - 00:57:08:22
Unknown
It was just like, occasionally, like, yeah, you're breathing through it or like, I'm here or like, here's a drink. And then I get out and I'm laboring in the hallway. And again, just like breathing, breathing, breathing. He goes down to get a snack. And I'm still not convinced that I'm having a baby today. And he was like, I think we're going to have a baby today.
00:57:08:22 - 00:57:29:09
Unknown
And I was like, we're going to have a baby, like really soon. And I hear again my ancestors voice and they say, like, you've got to get on the toilet. And I'm like, absolutely not. Because I had used the bathroom throughout this labor and it was so intense. I was like, I don't want to go back there. And they're like, you've got to get on the toilet.
00:57:29:09 - 00:57:47:00
Unknown
And so I'm like hovering, kind of like squatted over the toilet with a towel under me, and I can feel my body just take over. I'm no longer pushing and it's just bearing down, just moving my baby, moving my baby, moving my baby. And I'm like, talking to me. Like, please slow down. We don't need to move this fast.
00:57:47:01 - 00:58:10:01
Unknown
We can slow down. And it's just like, not happening. And my baby comes just blasting out of me and my boyfriend catches him. I unwrapped the cord and he's, like, asleep. And I just bring him to my chest and he kind of, like, wakes up and comes to and lets out like a couple little groans and I'm just bawling.
00:58:10:01 - 00:58:28:22
Unknown
And I just remember saying like, thank you, God, thank you ancestors. Thank you God. Thank you ancestors. And the the difference is that I didn't ever feel relief because I was never in danger. And I remember that being such a different experience that in the hospital I was like, oh, thank God my baby's here. We were in so much danger.
00:58:28:23 - 00:58:52:03
Unknown
Like we finally made it. Oh my God, he's here, he's here, he's here. And with my second birth, I was just like, of course you're here. It was nothing but gratitude. It was the difference between relief and gratitude. And I was like, we figured it out. And at that very moment, maybe like two minutes after my baby emerges, my older son wakes up from his nap.
00:58:52:03 - 00:59:15:14
Unknown
He slept the whole time and comes down the hallway and like, peeks around the corner. And he's just like observing him. He goes like it's so little and he's wet. And just like it's a lot to wake up to after a nap, there's just like a whole baby and I'm covered in blood. And so he just takes it all in, and then I'm like, okay, I'm ready to go to bed and I'm placenta still inside.
00:59:15:14 - 00:59:41:06
Unknown
I'm holding the baby. My boyfriend helps me to bed and I go to lift my leg up to get in bed to falls out on the floor. I climb in bed, snuggle up with my baby and that's the whole thing. My mother in law comes to get my oldest son so he can have a sleepover. We get to tell her, like, not only did labor start, it's done and you have a grandson.
00:59:41:08 - 01:00:19:10
Unknown
And so I'm just like, resting in bed and it was just a completely different experience. My boyfriend and I just, like, kept looking at each other and being like, so we have a baby now. And I remember on day two, like night two, I could not sleep because the oxytocin was bumping in my body. I'm so high that I am just laying in bed smiling at either side of me, being like, oh, I love my family so much, I so much, and I'm just like whispering it under my breath as if like, I'm going to wake them up, but I am high as a kite on just it's not just oxytocin, it's like DMT, I
01:00:19:10 - 01:00:48:01
Unknown
am. Yeah, it is other psychedelic and I'm just like, I have this little present, which is my baby. And I'm just like, I love you guys so much. I love you guys so much. And I could not sleep because it was just whole. Yeah. And it yeah, it was this feeling of like a cycle that had not been able to be completed, had finally completed, and just a completely different story and just that story to exist for my son, for both of them, you know.
01:00:48:02 - 01:01:16:08
Unknown
And now I hold them both with such great reverence for different reasons, because they both offered such potent medicine. And the integration has just been so seamless. How long ago was this? He will be four months. Oh pretty fresh. Yeah. Next week. And how how do you feel like four months in this has shaped you or changed you as a woman?
01:01:16:10 - 01:01:47:03
Unknown
I feel like different human like more so than just the initiation into motherhood. There is just a firming of foundation of I can always trust myself, that I can trust myself to find truth. I can trust my partner to believe in that truth and to support me through that, and that I can truly, like, change the course of my lineage.
01:01:47:05 - 01:02:13:16
Unknown
That I sometimes just wonder if there was a part of me that needed to relate to that old story of, like, we have C-sections, and then to say, no, we don't have to. We don't have to. There can be a different path and another story for another day. But it's like in the process of all this, like my sister and I went through our pregnancies, our first pregnancies together since my second pregnancy, I completely cut my mom and my sister off.
01:02:13:17 - 01:02:41:23
Unknown
Oh man, may or may not know that I have a second child. Oh that's big. And it really, it really was like this, this massive 180 of I was like, you cannot respect my boundaries. And so now you can be in my life. And so, yeah, just like major, major movement in that arena. And it did take like standing up to say like, no, now I'm the matriarch of this lineage and I get to do things differently.
01:02:42:01 - 01:03:07:22
Unknown
So that's exactly what I've done. And it just feels yeah, it feels so settled to say, like, I got to choose this and I get to choose anything. I use the yeses in my lives and the nose in my life. And if I want to redo something or not do something that like, I just feel really sure of myself, which is obviously very different from coming out of a C-section, feeling like you failed.
01:03:07:23 - 01:03:44:01
Unknown
Yeah. Filled. Yeah. And so, yeah, it's just very different. It's like meeting yourself for the first time at 30 years old. Hey, as long as it happens. Yeah, yeah. And, you know, the C-section note is interesting because it's like, actually your lineage doesn't have C-sections. And then there's this, like, really, really short blip where they had a couple, but like really, really short, you know, like really you and everyone is from this like epically long lineage of sovereign intact birth.
01:03:44:03 - 01:04:11:04
Unknown
Yeah. I think it's always so important as we're like walking with these stories of our very recent, very recent people. It's like, yeah, totally. And that does form us and it does shape us, of course. And actually all of our ancestors know birth. That's how we got here, you know, to hear those voices throughout my labor was just so firming that they were like, we we are here.
01:04:11:05 - 01:04:38:09
Unknown
We we know how to walk this path and we can help you walk this path. So who did you do ancestry work in Asheville with? Oh, I cannot remember. I think her name is maybe Michelle Cheryl, I don't know, but it was. Seriously, I want to know because I'm two hours from there. Yeah, she practiced, like the Dagar tradition out of Africa with Elder Somi.
01:04:38:11 - 01:05:00:20
Unknown
I don't know these words. And did all of it. Did like big, big spiritual work there. Yeah. Just like allowed for for this to unfold. Cool. Another woman I had on the podcast recently did ancestor work in Asheville, but it was with someone else, so I was wondering if it was the same person. But she said, yeah, very similarly.
01:05:00:20 - 01:05:33:09
Unknown
She she just learned how to listen to her ancestors. And they showed up in her pregnancy through doing shamanic drumming. And they just said, we've been waiting. We've been waiting for a mother in your line. I know she says it better than I can right now, but she says, she said that they all just showed up like many of them, you know, all females and said, we've been waiting for a long time for a woman in our line to want this and to want and to like, want to listen.
01:05:33:10 - 01:05:55:18
Unknown
It's like so moved by that. It's like, wow, the kind of that we've in there. When I was sitting in a plant ceremony, I had this vision of returning to a village with like mud huts, and there were just women pouring out of these huts and they just shouted, welcome to the land of many mamas. We've been waiting for you.
01:05:55:19 - 01:06:19:21
Unknown
Well. And so like, that was just a piece of that ceremony. But it was. Yeah, it's like the voices. The voices are there, the ancestors are there. This isn't this isn't new, you know, it's old and it's like, literally how we're the opposite of new. It's so ancient listening, the practice of listening and the practice of remembering. It's beautiful.
01:06:19:22 - 01:06:27:13
Unknown
Really honest with yourself. Because listening and remembering don't do anything if you're not willing to write.
01:06:27:15 - 01:06:56:03
Unknown
And how do you feel like this has shaped or changed your relationship? We we're maybe like bordering arrogant now we did it. We got you know, it's like there's there's this feeling of just like hope and possibility and also just like deep, deep repair for just forgiveness for each of us of like, I'm. I'm sorry I didn't protect you.
01:06:56:03 - 01:07:27:20
Unknown
And I'm sorry I held so much resentment silently for you. And yeah, just really a coming together of just what is and what could be, you know, because it is really healed, all of us in a big way. Yeah. It's so powerful. You know, imagine, imagine the ripple effect of all of these families choosing to birth intact and family centered and emerging with no trauma and all the healing that's occurring.
01:07:27:21 - 01:08:03:22
Unknown
I mean, like a big deal how fast this stuff is happening and how quickly it changes a woman in there for a family. Well, and the trauma that they warn you about is not the trauma you have to worry about. I absolutely terrible tear. Wait with your second. Yeah, yeah. And I just I'm healing and it's like those those are I guess the, the traumas that you worry about some people that you're going to tear, you're going to have prolapse or shoulder dystocia or.
01:08:03:22 - 01:08:28:03
Unknown
But it's like no one talks about the emotional trauma that they're just waiting on the sidelines to inflict upon you. Well, nothing like a tear, right? Well, also, no one understands anything about spontaneous healing, and no one believes in the body like, you know. So as you I mean, not no one. Some people do. But as you allow your body to heal and to repair itself.
01:08:28:04 - 01:08:53:01
Unknown
I mean, I always think about nature, like, have you ever come across, you know, a deer that had torn all the way to her rectum after birth? Like, no, it just that wouldn't make sense. That's not biological. It's not physiological. That you would hurt yourself in birth just doesn't really make sense. And therefore. And then if you have a physiological tear, of course it wants to heal.
01:08:53:02 - 01:09:27:01
Unknown
Of course it will. But that is definitely something women really are quite programed about. It's one of the most common questions, you know. Well, what will I do if someone's not around to suture me? Why would you need to be sutured? Whoa! The idea of, like, a needle and thread reentering that wound. Like I remember when I visually saw the wound for the first time, I was like, I think this is something that could require stitches, and I'm absolutely not going to have it done well.
01:09:27:01 - 01:09:51:05
Unknown
It's completely subjective, right? Like guaranteed everyone in the system would have said it would require, right? The fact that it's a no for you means it doesn't require it and your yoni will heal, is healing, and there might be some differences about it, as you know, as there are for me as well. For for you know, you've given birth now things will be different.
01:09:51:07 - 01:10:23:14
Unknown
How cool it is. It's all different. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thanks for the tools and for this space. It's I mean, it wasn't even on my radar. And again, like, just seeing women do this work changes everything. Yeah. It's ours. It's ours to have. All right. Girlfriend, so nice to connect. Thank you. Bye.
01:10:23:16 - 01:10:49:01
Unknown
I hope you enjoyed the show today. You can support this podcast by donating to it through the link in the show notes below. And of course, leaving an awesome review on whatever platform you listen on. The more reviews, the more visibility the show gets. So let's spread the good word of sovereign birth. Don't forget, you can watch our podcast interviews on YouTube and see the women as they tell their birth and power stories.
01:10:49:01 - 01:11:19:13
Unknown
And you'll also find our viral free birth collection of epic raw birth videos on our YouTube. Make sure you're subscribed to our channel. We've always got a lot going on at Fryeburg Society, and you can find out all about it at Fryeburg Society, Fryeburg Society on Instagram, and opt in to my newsletter. Below. We offer courses on free birth, authentic midwifery, the Blood Mysteries, as well as one on one coaching, in-person retreats and of course, our annual Women's gathering.
01:11:19:13 - 01:11:46:16
Unknown
The Matriarch Rising Festival, our exclusive private vetted membership. The lighthouse is definitely something to check out if you're looking for a community of wise sisters to get guidance from and to meet in real life, together we rise. Sisters, we must speak our stories fully, claim our lives, and support one another. This is the living revolution and I am so grateful to be in it with all of you.
01:11:46:16 - 01:12:22:08
Unknown
I will leave you with our gorgeous free birth society theme song, Wild Woman by Aruba. Read I honor you for the wisdom you held, the ancient traditions of plant medicine and womb magic. I feel the spirit of the ancestors as I place my hands upon my belly. This sacred portal will be honored eons upon light. Fields of survival with standing the eradication of our power by design.
01:12:22:10 - 01:12:48:17
Unknown
I will not allow the separation of our young to be forced upon me. My sisters will no longer birth in captivity the picket line we define from burning our wild women to paralyzing us and drugging our babes, strapped down in a clinical white bed, drying up the milk from our breasts. Keep your needles. My family will never again be doomed to chase those dragons.
01:12:48:17 - 01:13:14:20
Unknown
All your pointing. We reject your fear. We choose love. Everything with intention, death, ascension. I will fly and bring our backs on the star conception. While the women. She still lives inside.
01:13:14:22 - 01:13:21:19
Unknown
Wild woman from you I will not hide.
01:13:21:21 - 01:13:36:15
Unknown
They could not bend your spirit away. So please teach me your way. I'm ready to learn from you. While another.
01:13:36:17 - 01:13:44:01
Unknown
I still run around with the wolves when it's time.
01:13:44:03 - 01:13:51:12
Unknown
I still running down the line. We were all once wild.
01:13:51:14 - 01:13:58:21
Unknown
I still run, run, run with the wolves when it's time.
01:13:58:23 - 01:14:04:06
Unknown
We all came from while the woman.
