00;00;00;04 - 00;00;21;05
Unknown
When you have a divorce. The question was who am I now? My brain was just getting rewired and I was opening my mind up to a lot of possibilities that I had been closed off to. I just went to Spotify and was like. Pregnancy and then up Free Birth Society podcast. I had no idea what free birth was, so I started listening to the stories.
00;00;21;06 - 00;00;42;14
Unknown
It cracked my heart open and it was another veil lifted from my eyes. We decided what we have to do was move into an RV and go travel. We liquidate everything, sell my house, sell everything except for our truck life. The on the stick. It's positive. We set off and travel up the coast. And I have my wild pregnancy in the woods.
00;00;42;15 - 00;00;58;17
Unknown
If anyone has the ability to completely leave all their responsibilities behind and go out into nature during their first pregnancy, I would do it because it was the most magical experience that I've ever had. Really.
00;00;58;19 - 00;01;34;29
Unknown
Highwomen. Before we dive in today, I need to name something important. This episode, along with all episodes that you will hear until our winter break in mid-December, was recorded before my birth prior to mid-August. Since then, our family has walked through the unimaginable. Our son was stillborn and we are in deep mourning as the shows air, you'll hear and see me pregnant, which now feels incredibly painful and weird.
00;01;35;01 - 00;02;11;01
Unknown
Given that you are holding the sacred knowledge of what came after. So please forgive the dissonance. These stories still deserve to be shared and heard. We welcome your prayers, your loving thoughts, and your support as we navigate this spiral of such deep grief. I hope you find resonance and nourishment in this conversation today. Thank you. If you are like most of my listeners, you are devouring these episodes and you're probably wishing that you could speak to the women that come on this show.
00;02;11;03 - 00;02;38;28
Unknown
Learn from them, even get to know them in real life, right? Well, I would like to invite you into my inner circle. It's called the lighthouse. The lighthouse is my highly exclusive online membership, and it's where most of the women on this podcast are hanging out. It's by far the best social media platform on the internet. It's highly curated by yours truly, and our team personally vets every single member coming in to ensure the highest caliber community imaginable.
00;02;39;02 - 00;03;05;16
Unknown
I'm talking a full feed of free birth announcements every day, engaging in intellectual conversation about everything taboo under the sun, a ton of group calls every month to connect and be in circle. Not to mention the now seven year old matriarch search engine that will quickly replace your Google searching. We only open our doors four times a year, and half that time we only open it to those on the waitlist.
00;03;05;17 - 00;03;34;17
Unknown
Add your name to the list in the show notes below and consider taking your place among us brilliant, sovereign wild women, because it's just simply better when we're all together. See you on the inside, sis. Welcome to Free Birth society. I'm Emilee Saldaya, and this is where we break the spell of medicalized birth. Remember what's been forgotten and rise together into our birthright to live birth and mother as sovereign women.
00;03;34;19 - 00;04;07;01
Unknown
All right. Welcome, Julia. Thanks for having me. Yeah, thanks for being here and offering your stories to this show. I feel like we've been orbiting each other for a couple of years now. Have you been in the lighthouse? Yeah, I have. Yeah. And you were at MRF and we've DM'd a little. So. Yeah, that's my reference point. So all I know is you're a Montana gal who had both of her births and pregnancies outside the system, so I want to hear it all.
00;04;07;02 - 00;04;33;17
Unknown
Like, how how did that come to be that you before you were ever even pregnant? We're already so aligned with this, this way of life. Yeah. So it really did not start out that way at all. The way I was raised, my mom's a medical doctor. My sisters in medical research. Oh, wow. I was, yeah, totally ingrained in this idea of, like, the authority figure in all medical stuff.
00;04;33;17 - 00;04;58;11
Unknown
And when I look back on it, I try to have compassion for myself because I said and thought all the things like, you know, if I get a cesarean, then I won't be ruined down there. And I want all the drugs that they want to give me. Like, why would I ever not want just every drug? And motherhood is going to ruin my life and my body and my finances.
00;04;58;11 - 00;05;19;24
Unknown
And that was like my mindset going into like adulthood and into that period of like, fertile years, you know? And then what ended up happening was my sister had my niece, right. And I went up to see her in Minnesota. And I came home and I told my husband at the time, like, we don't have to worry all of that stuff.
00;05;19;25 - 00;05;43;12
Unknown
Like, we don't have to worry babies there. It's so beautiful. It's so wonderful. Like, let's just forget all of all of that because I'm just seeing her with her baby and it was great. But then those conversations and trying to push into that frame of life, like we got divorced, then two years later, yeah. Because it just wasn't ready.
00;05;43;15 - 00;06;15;29
Unknown
Did your sister have a positive birth? Well, she had a planned C-section for breach presentation. Gotcha. Which in my mind at the time, was right. It didn't necessarily shake you out of the indoctrination, but it just, like, showed you that it could be beautiful. Yeah. I just went from, like, I want to be a mother, but all this negative programing to, like, like I'm going to find a way to deal with that stuff because I was like, I was just in love with the love that they had.
00;06;16;01 - 00;06;52;10
Unknown
You know? So it was it was nice. So then when you have a divorce. Right. The question was, who am I now? It was my high school sweetheart. We had been together for literally half of my life. Well, yeah. So I started asking that question, and it led to listening to, like, the Wild Yourself podcast and going down an herbalism route and like, a complete like, my brain was just getting rewired and I was opening my mind up to a lot of possibilities that I had been closed off to previously.
00;06;52;10 - 00;07;21;26
Unknown
And then 2020 happened, and I met my now partner and the father of my children at an underground Halloween party, and he immediately kind of like open for that by saying, you know, parenthood is absolutely the highest calling for human beings. There's nothing higher. I'm looking for a wife. I want a family. Did you know that your womb is a sacred portal to another dimension?
00;07;21;27 - 00;07;33;16
Unknown
And I was like, I like this, I can I'm into this, you know? I mean, listen up. This is the way you get a cool chick.
00;07;33;18 - 00;08;00;18
Unknown
That money, right? And so then, you know, stopped doing the line, being on the pill. I decided, though, that I still wasn't really comfortable taking responsibility for my own fertility. So I did get an ID, and I had one of my first kind of negative experiences in the medical system, because I went in and I said, I don't want a hormonal one, and I know there's all kinds of problems with the copper one, but I was just like, no hormones.
00;08;00;18 - 00;08;19;07
Unknown
That's where I'm going with this. And we get all set to do the procedure. And she's like, oh, you know, I already have the Marina one or whatever they call it. It's already unwrapped. And you have to like go down into the basement to like get the copper one. And then this one would go to waste. And I recommend this one anyway.
00;08;19;07 - 00;08;52;14
Unknown
So let's just put this one in. Yeah. And so I let her which yeah I totally let her put the hormonal one in because I was just like oh my god. Yeah. And I came away from that like really feeling like it's like a yucky feeling. And I didn't like obviously nobody likes the process, but I like it was giving me memories of like other times when I haven't loved things that happened, you know, not worth getting into, but I'm for everybody knows what I mean.
00;08;52;14 - 00;09;13;25
Unknown
And so I was just like driving home like, oh, icky, icky. So then elf betrayal feels bad, right? It should feel bad. It's like the flag, you know, even if we don't do anything about it right there, we can, you know, obviously, in hindsight, really go, oh, that's what that felt like. Right, right. So that didn't last long.
00;09;13;25 - 00;09;35;12
Unknown
I didn't want it in long. And I was with, you know, the person that we decided fairly quickly, like, okay, you know, because my first son was born at the end of 2022. So there's not a lot of time between us, meaning and, you know, all of this. So I decided to to get it taken out and sort of like a day or two later I'm like, I'm going to learn about birth, right?
00;09;35;13 - 00;09;55;06
Unknown
Because we were saying things kind of silly like, well, we don't have to start trying just because you're not on birth control anymore. But then we were not taking any steps to not try. And I knew, you know, where that was going to lead, and I wanted it to lead there anyway, even though we weren't like admitting that we were trying.
00;09;55;08 - 00;10;16;25
Unknown
So I just went to Spotify and was like pregnancy and then up pops, you know, Free Birth Society podcast and, you know, a few others. But I remember, like the picture at the time was like the glorious image of you with your hands in the air, you know, on the beach. And I was just like, okay, I had no idea what free birth was or anything like that.
00;10;16;25 - 00;10;53;11
Unknown
And so I started listening to the stories and I was so moved, it cracked my heart open. And it was another like veil lifted from my eyes. I listened to those stories. I was like, oh my gosh. And just story after story on top of, you know, the Plant Path podcast and the rewild yourself. And, you know, all of this, like a change that I was going through, just my brain was completely, like I said, being rewired and like I would be in my car and at my desk and I would be like moved at work, you know, and I would be moved to tears, like when I would hear the music start up for
00;10;53;12 - 00;11;16;18
Unknown
the Free Verse Society podcast, because it was just sneaking like so deeply to me. And I was learning a lot too, because I didn't know what a service check was. I didn't know, you know, anything like that. And being raised by a doctor, I have heard actually a lot of the same, sort of like like medical midwife, like my mom has a lot of things that she likes to kind of poke like at medical midwifery about.
00;11;16;18 - 00;11;45;12
Unknown
So I was always like, I'm like, what even is a midwife? What do they do? And it kind of was an interesting puzzle piece to fit together with, like what she had told me. And what kind of doctor is your mom? Family practice. Okay. So she's done, you know, lots of deliveries and things like that. Yeah. So anyway, so I was listening to the podcast and getting really inspired and not only with birth, with motherhood, like these women that you talk to, they love being mothers.
00;11;45;13 - 00;12;08;04
Unknown
And I had never been exposed to people loving being mothers before. Wow. And alternative lifestyles to lots of women who. And so I was like, well, that's that's really interesting. And then I started to kind of get influences from other places in my life. Like I had a coworker who was going to have a home birth and she never came back to work, which I think is cool.
00;12;08;04 - 00;12;23;28
Unknown
And another coworker who was born at home. So I came to my partner and I was like, hey, the wildest thing in the world, this girl that I know, she's going to give birth at home, and then she gets to be at home and she can like, sit on her couch and she can go to her bed and isn't that amazing?
00;12;23;28 - 00;12;44;13
Unknown
And there's something called a birth. And I don't know what that means, but she's going to have one. And and he just kind of looks at me casually, I think he was cooking and he goes, oh, I cashed my babies. And I was like, okay, what is catch? What do you mean? And then so then couple days later, I'm like, listen, I don't think we should have any buddy there.
00;12;44;13 - 00;13;13;07
Unknown
Probably unless it's the right person. Because of the things that I was learning, I was like, so we just have to make really, really sure that. And I told him a couple stories that I had heard on the podcast, and he was just like, nobody, And then we kind of talked about like his grandma. We talked about a couple of close female friends that we had, and we were just kind of like, well, we'll we'll just see, you know, if there is a such thing as a right person when it comes to it.
00;13;13;07 - 00;13;37;13
Unknown
And then at the same time, I love you guys setting the bar, though, that it's like, yeah, we're totally open to being well supported and did it up, but it has to feel right. It has to be the right person. Like, imagine if that was the bar, right? I mean, hopefully in the future I hope for because one of my children is a daughter and I really hope for her that does.
00;13;37;13 - 00;13;58;19
Unknown
She finds that and I hope it's me. But if it's not, I hope that she tells me to go, you know, kick rocks while she's giving birth, you know? But anyway, so this is all happening. We're having these conversations and like linked in with that is this idea of like, we're not aligned anymore with anything about the life that we're.
00;13;58;20 - 00;14;24;03
Unknown
And if we're going to have kids, like, why are we in Sacramento, California? Why am I, you know, going to work at a corporate job every day? Why is he, you know, in California is really difficult. He's like a trade worker, like construction would work and stuff like that. And there's no real prospects for that. You can work for someone else's construction company, or you can pay, like an insane amount of money to try to have all the insurances.
00;14;24;04 - 00;14;44;01
Unknown
And, you know, so we're looking at that and we're like, so we're going to have daddy daycare and I'm going to be a corporate like ladder climber, and we're going to live in Sacramento. And it was just like nothing. No. Well what do we do about it. Right. So we decided what we have to do is move into an RV and go travel because we don't know what we want to do instead.
00;14;44;03 - 00;15;03;22
Unknown
So, you know, like this way we can find out. So we, like, liquidate everything, sell all our stuff, sell my house, sell you know, everything except for our truck. And we bought, like we put this, a 1999 Prowler. Like, things didn't even have a pop out because we were trying to save money. So it's just like a tin can.
00;15;03;22 - 00;15;23;09
Unknown
We use it to store grain now, but but we're like, oh, that's totally fine because, you know, and so we do that and I'm freaking up my bathroom to get ready to move. And I see an old pregnancy test. And I had had a little bit of bleeding, but it was implantation bleeding. And I was kind of like that was a suspicious.
00;15;23;09 - 00;15;40;21
Unknown
And I was learning about fam and learning about cycles and stuff. Also through the podcast a little bit here and there, like Nancy came on and had that one really awesome episode where she kind of went over stuff like that. I think it was Nancy. And so I'm like, well, it was kind of a suspicious period. Let's see, you know?
00;15;40;22 - 00;15;57;26
Unknown
And so I be on the stick and it's positive, and we're going to leave the day after the two days from then we're getting in the in the camper to leave. So I tell him he's like all excited. And we're like super pumped up. So we're going to do this on the road. And we set off and travel up the coast.
00;15;57;26 - 00;16;22;17
Unknown
And I have my wild pregnancy in the woods. We lived in the national park system or not Park the Forest National can do all the free camping out there. You just roll into any national forest anywhere that you can fit. And it was so nice. So I was just walking every day in the woods and going down to all these creeks and drinking fresh water and getting fresh air, and we could go anywhere we wanted.
00;16;22;18 - 00;16;42;14
Unknown
We went to the coast, we went inland, we did all this amazing stuff. And I joined the membership, which is now called The Lighthouse. And so I would make these pilgrimages once a month to go to the village. Prenatal is like no matter how far we were from service, no matter what we were doing. I was like, we're getting in the car, we're going to go find a coffee shop, you know?
00;16;42;15 - 00;17;06;20
Unknown
And I was able to have just an incredible network of people. Those were so great going through, like the meditation to plan your dream birth, which mine. I love it when people say that there's turned out exactly, exactly like it. But mine didn't mind at all.
00;17;06;22 - 00;17;23;29
Unknown
It was so fun. I also met another friend who she was traveling and she was pregnant with her first, and she was going down into Mexico while we were headed up, you know, towards we were going to go to Alaska, but we never made it because we stayed in Montana. And so I met her and I still talked to her to this day.
00;17;23;29 - 00;17;47;04
Unknown
And someday we'll meet. But she's like, my greatest for the lighthouse. Yeah, I did all that. It was so cool because instantly we were, like, connected. And we are like, so like soul sisters. Oh, and we were. Yeah, we were doing the same thing, traveling in opposite directions. And then now she lives in Canada. It's only like an eight hour drive.
00;17;47;07 - 00;18;12;10
Unknown
Eventually we'll do it. But anyway, so I was I was going to the village needles and enjoying that and kind of really keeping to myself and thank goodness, because the amount of like outside influences that were trying to get at me and I could just be like, we're about to the service by look, you know, because it was a struggle with my mom, right?
00;18;12;12 - 00;18;44;00
Unknown
Being a doctor, I think she thought that she could like, inform, scare me into, like following the path. And so there were some really, like, difficult conversations that we had to have. But ultimately, I was able to get the support that I needed from the group and the space that I needed in the forest, you know, in nature is such a good way to I could just go and like anything on my mind, just like, let it, let it go.
00;18;44;00 - 00;19;11;06
Unknown
And it feels like there's so much receptivity out in nature to, to take that from you. So I definitely recommend and I don't like to make recommendations, but if anyone has the ability to completely like, leave all their responsibilities behind and go out into nature during their first pregnancy, I would do it because it was the most magical experience that I've ever had, really to be able to do that.
00;19;11;06 - 00;19;36;06
Unknown
And I'll never at the time I was sort of like, oh, you know, this is just life. This is great. But now I realize having my child and knowing how it is when you have a child and you have responsibilities going into the next pregnancy, that this was a really, really special time, an opportunity to do that. So yes, I did have fears, you know, but when I went into it and when I did all the aisles about the complete guide.
00;19;36;06 - 00;20;08;06
Unknown
So when I was doing the journaling prompts and everything, I was able to realize that my fears were just fear of being wrong, fear of being misguided, fear that I was like, just, you know, because I would be treated like by my mom, but not only by her, by a lot of different people, treated like I just was naive and I just didn't know what I was doing, and I was just stumbling around blindfolded, running into walls, you know, was kind of what people treated me like.
00;20;08;06 - 00;20;34;28
Unknown
I felt like that's what they thought I was doing. I think that is the premise of the call. The medical call is like, if you aren't on the track complying, you're stupid. You know, like there's just this, like inherent embedded inferiority when you're, you know, it comes out like you're reckless, you're responsible, but it's that you're like doing it wrong.
00;20;35;01 - 00;21;01;24
Unknown
Which is so ironic, right? Because most women are blindly following the system, which is inherently harmful, and they're doing it. So unconscious is an obvious argument there that that would be maybe more wrong if if right and wrong existed, which it doesn't. But I feel you and I think that's a very, very common way to be treated when you stray.
00;21;01;26 - 00;21;27;28
Unknown
Yeah. Thankfully, the yes was so strong. I'm not someone who has felt in my life like it's very, very connected to intuition. I have always been sort of like the good girl rule follower person, but the yes is so, so strong for me about this, that when people would say stuff like that to me, I would kind of clam up and I would think like, oh God, like, am I like wrong, am I wrong?
00;21;27;29 - 00;21;57;20
Unknown
Am I wrong? And then I would have a moment to myself and I would just it would actually flip and I would get so angry and I'd be like, like, are they kidding me? Like yada yada yada yada. And I talked like flawed partners ear off. Like, can can you believe that they said this and can you believe and this is what's really going on, you know, and I was able to completely flip it and kind of like rile myself up into, like a state of, like completely rejecting and even moving further away whenever anyone would say something like that to me.
00;21;57;22 - 00;22;17;01
Unknown
And thankfully, I was able, like, I do still have a good relationship with my mom, but there were times in there when I really didn't know if we were going to be able to get to that point because like one time she said to me, she said, you're going to kill that baby if it's a foot long breach.
00;22;17;03 - 00;22;39;02
Unknown
Wow. Because she said that they physically cannot come out that way. Wow. And I was just like, she's like, it's just physics and you just don't know physics. And I can show you like a model of, like, you know how it would be impossible. And like, I don't actually really care about that compared to hearing from real women who have done it, you know, like, right.
00;22;39;05 - 00;23;04;13
Unknown
She realize how wrong she is now. Well, I told her about the podcast and she literally said that she thinks that people are probably making stories up in order to get on the internet. Just. Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. And so it's like, oh, you know, and there was a lot of, of that that went on. What about the birth workers who have seen foot breech?
00;23;04;13 - 00;23;24;01
Unknown
We're all just lying because it's not possible. I guess it's just that great to be on a podcast that you just need to get into it. I don't know, I don't know, it's. And then there's the other aspect where, like, I respect my mom and I actually saw her model to me, taking care of your own children because she was a doctor.
00;23;24;01 - 00;23;42;24
Unknown
So it was all through allopathic. But we didn't go to the doctor. She took care of us, you know, and she did a great job. And so I also don't want to sling mud at her life's work. So she would say these things, and I felt a little bit like a punching bag. And I was a little bit like, am I going to keep putting up with this?
00;23;42;26 - 00;24;02;21
Unknown
But one piece of advice that I did get through the membership was I. I lied about my due date. I told her it was a month later than it was, so we were still having these conversations and literally like the night before I went into labor, she was on the phone giving me a hard time about something and I was just like, mom, I'm going to go eat dinner.
00;24;02;21 - 00;24;25;12
Unknown
Like, I'm not giving birth now. So we'll talk about this later. And then I did give birth, and the next time I talked where I was like, look, there's your grandson. You know? So what was it about free birth that drew you and a wild pregnancy versus a midwife at home? Well, and I don't want to. I don't want to be offensive to to midwives who are medically licensed.
00;24;25;12 - 00;24;43;09
Unknown
I know it's probably okay here, but. So I don't mean this about like, midwives in general. This is specifically medically licensed. I don't really understand why. If I was going to have somebody medical at my birth, why wouldn't I just get an OB? Like, why wouldn't I get the most medical? The person who's the most trained, you know?
00;24;43;11 - 00;25;20;05
Unknown
Well, because the midwife will come to your home or your RV. The doctor won't. Yeah, that's true, but I guess it just felt like one or the other. Like, I guess I'm kind of more of a, like, all or nothing type of person. Like if I'm going to go the medical route, I'll just go the medical route, and if I'm going to be at home, then it would have to be the right person like we were talking about before, the right support person, which to me isn't I never I never really interviewed any midwives or anything because the right person in, in a, especially in RV, but in general for me was never going to
00;25;20;06 - 00;25;46;05
Unknown
be someone that I hired. Like I was listening to the podcast and I was kind of like, I just don't see how I could get from hiring a person to do a job to like your what I think of as the right kind of support, which wouldn't be that hired help. The right person for me would be more like if I had a really close, like, like a grandmother or I don't know if that is making sense, really.
00;25;46;07 - 00;26;05;13
Unknown
Oh, I know what you mean. I mean, I felt that way in my first birth. It never occurred to me to hire anybody, but I wanted my sister there and a friend of mine who was very, very dear to me. And then and actually another friend was present in the beginning part of the labor. Unfortunately, her flight flew out that night, so she was only there for like the first half.
00;26;05;13 - 00;26;29;23
Unknown
But the having women that were my sisters felt really good for my first birth. But the idea of like, hiring never even occurred to me. Yeah, it makes sense. I mean, it's so private, it's so intimate. And it's also, you know, I think for a lot of people or a lot of women, it's like, not that heady, just it sounds like how you're describing it.
00;26;29;23 - 00;27;00;06
Unknown
It's like, not that heady because this is a really big pivot, you know, out of corporate Sacramento, sell everything. You're divorced like that's a big pivot to RV. A guy who worships your sacred womb. Wild pregnancy fruit versus podcast. You know, rejecting your family's frame of all of this. It's a big pivot. And at the same time, it's like the, you know, it's like so.
00;27;00;08 - 00;27;23;18
Unknown
Oh, right. So many of you have asked me over the years about the choice to not register your baby after birth, no birth certificate, no social security number, and how to still get a passport. Well, I'm thrilled to finally have someone I can wholeheartedly refer you to. Free birthing mother and sovereignty mentor, Veda Rae. Veda doesn't just talk about this.
00;27;23;18 - 00;28;02;09
Unknown
She lives it. And now she's teaching other parents exactly how to welcome and raise a truly sovereign baby. Head over to Veda Revival. Com and start your journey. Okay, so you're pregnant and your cruising along and like, what else do you want to say about the preparation of your first ever pregnancy being this way, which is like, you know, in our culture as absolutely extreme and radical as you could possibly get, the fact that you were just allowing yourself to be pregnant, that you were focused on spending time in nature, connecting with your partner, exploring your land.
00;28;02;12 - 00;28;26;06
Unknown
You know, it's like so it's so laughable that, like you doing the most integrated, healthiest version of pregnancy is something that, like, makes people's brains go inside out. So what else? Like how did you manage the fears and the what ifs and how much to know and blah blah blah? And did you prep to birth in the V?
00;28;26;09 - 00;28;49;01
Unknown
Yeah, so I decided that pretty much I was going to learn what I needed to learn from the Complete Guide and listening to the podcast, because if you listen to all of them, there's most scenarios out there. So I felt pretty confident that if anything would come up, I would at least have a frame of reference for, you know, possibilities.
00;28;49;01 - 00;29;21;09
Unknown
Not what was going to happen in my case, but, you know, a lot of different possibilities, a lot of different iterations and the complete guide. I watched every module like 3 or 4 times, so that I would be sure that I would like, really at least have an understanding of the stages and some of the common things, and also like just to be able to dispute in my head when someone would drop some fear on me, like, okay, like I can now kind of at least know what a rebuttal could be, and then I could decide what I feel about it.
00;29;21;09 - 00;29;40;19
Unknown
But for me, as far as the fears go, like I said, it was just a fear of being wrong. Like my yes to. It was so deep that if I was like, let go of the idea of that, you're afraid that you're going to have to tell the world that this went really poorly for you. Are you actually afraid?
00;29;40;19 - 00;29;56;21
Unknown
And I just wasn't, and I don't really know why. I think a lot of it has to do with having the space to be out in nature. I think, you know, sometimes I would just say out loud, like I'd be sitting with the trees and the creek and I would just say, well, what if this or that? I'm just saying it out loud.
00;29;56;22 - 00;30;16;13
Unknown
Like it would just it would dissipate and, you know, and I loved that. But yeah, I did plan to live in the RV. So what ended up happening was we were initially going to try to book it to Florida to get somewhere warm, and I was going to like, try to get a dolphin to come with me. Like I was super great under giving birth or something like that.
00;30;16;13 - 00;30;39;04
Unknown
That was my plan. But then when we came to where we now live in Montana, I got this other intuitive feeling, which I don't like. I said, I don't get those that much. So when I do get them, like I got the yes to Freebird and then I got the I got just like, don't leave Montana. And I'm like, well, it's September, how am I going to not leave Montana?
00;30;39;06 - 00;31;01;06
Unknown
Like I live in a rickety old like, trailer? I can't stay in Montana. But, you know, my my best friend worked worked at a fruit stand on the side of the road. We met her. She said, go up this mountain. I heard that they're like, you know, parceling out land up there found the land. That was everything that we wanted.
00;31;01;07 - 00;31;23;25
Unknown
Bought it, bought a different trailer that has like a pop out and had better insulation than our tin can. Set my husband up with the like, okay, you know, you've got it was October 4th when we moved in, and Bruce ended up being born on December 3rd, so it was like one, two, three, go get it ready. I'm going to go for a walk.
00;31;23;28 - 00;31;44;25
Unknown
And it was. And so we we didn't have a well but we have amazing neighbors. So we were huffing buckets of water from our neighbors. But at least we have water and you can put it in a tank. So for anyone who just does a side note wants to live off grid. I think a trailer is a great thing to do because you can have all of the amenities.
00;31;44;25 - 00;32;06;01
Unknown
If you take a little time to do the prep work, like we have a 50 gallon tank, so you can have 50 gallons of water and it'll come out of a faucet and you can heat it with propane. It's like, all right there. It's really not that hard. It's not like I love the people who live in Europe, but that's a lot harder, you know, than living in a travel trailer that has everything you know in it.
00;32;06;03 - 00;32;31;25
Unknown
So anyway, so we set all that up in a hurry. I remember that it was snowing the day that we put in our wood burning stove. And so, like, the snow is coming in the hole that we like cut. And I'm like really pregnant. I'm just like, I hope that this is a good idea because, like, I actually have to consider the idea that maybe, like, we will die out here if we're not smart about this.
00;32;31;28 - 00;33;06;05
Unknown
Oh, God. Okay. So that's pretty much that's pretty much the whole, I mean, a lot of winter off grid is no joke. That's that's pretty intense. Yeah, yeah it did. It got down to -30 that first year that Bruce was, was born. How did you guys do like warmth wise and utilities wise. Resources. Yeah. So we we have we have propane that we can use to run the furnace and we have a wood stove.
00;33;06;05 - 00;33;37;09
Unknown
And so we, we put blankets up over all the windows and doors and we ran the wood stove and, you know, also use the heater and warm. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, you can mean we were it's small space which is really helpful. Yeah. And I mean it did. What would have to happen is that, you know, Brandon would stay up until like, as late as he could at night running the wood stove, and then he would wake me up and I would get up in the morning and run it if I could, you know.
00;33;37;11 - 00;33;59;03
Unknown
So does a propane truck come to, you know, it's carrying the the tanks down. You know, we have the ones that are like seven gallons or five gallons. So you just load the truck bed up and then drive down to the gas station and fill them and drive back. Yeah. That's a that's a real way of life. You gotta be on your on your shit to not run out of that.
00;33;59;08 - 00;34;30;15
Unknown
Yeah. The hardest part was like keeping the water not frozen, but also, you know, like, that's the five gallon bucket life. Yeah. So tell us your birth story. Yeah. So with Bruce, it was I had gone on a walk the night like earlier in the day. The night that that labor started for me. And I remember that I was just like hands on my knees, kind of like swaying back and forth like, oh, this block is fucked, is tough, you know?
00;34;30;16 - 00;34;45;00
Unknown
And I, like, came in and sat down and I was like, oh. And his belly is heavy, you know, really heavy. And then I went to brush my teeth and I got a trickle of water coming out. And I was so excited. And I grabbed my journal and I messaged that friend that I told you that I was talking to.
00;34;45;01 - 00;35;11;05
Unknown
I'm like, it's happening. Like, this is so cool. And then I went to sleep and at about 130 in the morning, I woke up and I knew I wasn't going to be able to go back to sleep. So I came out and I was trying to get I had planned on giving birth on the converted, like the table that converts into a, like a bed, you know, and I couldn't get it.
00;35;11;05 - 00;35;29;04
Unknown
I was like struggling with it. So I woke up Brandon and I was like, hey, can you like, make my my bed for me, get it all? And he was like, yeah, sure. And then he started the fire up and I was just trying to find any position where I could be comfortable, but I really couldn't get it like I was.
00;35;29;06 - 00;35;52;25
Unknown
I remember being sort of like restless, like moving around all the positions, standing up side, you know, back, hands and knees, like, and nothing. Because no one can. No one could prepare me like you hear all about how much it hurts. But I was like, oh no, this is really, really painful. And like, so deep inside of you.
00;35;52;27 - 00;36;15;22
Unknown
Like, I had never been able to, like, envision like a pain that comes from, like the core depths of your. Yeah, of your body. Like. So I was just pushing out of my mind the thought of like, I can't do this for multiple days. Like I will, like, really be in trouble with the states that long. And, you know, hanging off the lip of the pop out was nice.
00;36;15;22 - 00;36;37;15
Unknown
And, you know, just kind of like trying, trying, trying to get comfortable. And I and, you know, it was okay in my memory. I remember kind of when brain and like crying when a sensation would start like no, no, no not again I need a break. Like, oh, you know, but my husband says like, no, no, no. You were like, you totally had it.
00;36;37;15 - 00;37;07;07
Unknown
But I remember like praying to the honestly, please. Like give me just two more minutes in between this. And so it was kind of like a bit of a shock for me. But after a while I made my way like to lane flat out on the floor, and I looked up and I saw my bed, and I had I had intended not to go on my bed at all because I was afraid of like getting dirty, and I wanted it to be available for me.
00;37;07;07 - 00;37;26;27
Unknown
But I was like, that's where I need to be. And just to kind of back up a little bit. We had planned, so he came. Bruce was born on the third. The fourth is my birthday, and we had planned for my birthday to go into the city and get supplies like do laundry, towels, figure out how are we going to cut the cord, all that stuff.
00;37;26;27 - 00;37;47;08
Unknown
And we never got that chance. So we didn't even have a clean towels. We didn't have a clamp or any idea how we were going to do anything, which of course didn't matter to me at that time. But it wasn't like we had mattress covers and I was going to get, you know, all like those kind of amenities and stuff.
00;37;47;08 - 00;38;05;05
Unknown
But then I, I looked up from the floor where I was laying just like, oh, and I saw my bed and it was like, oh, this is where I need to go. And I'm like, okay. So Brandon gave me his bath towel. Thankfully they hadn't been using, and I laid on a towel in the bed and it was so nice.
00;38;05;05 - 00;38;26;24
Unknown
I laid back and I closed my eyes and I let my consciousness just completely disappear. And then my body started to push. And so I would like, close my eyes and rest and allow myself to travel the astral plane. And then my body would push and I would kind of sit up and like, naturally sort of bear down.
00;38;26;24 - 00;38;51;02
Unknown
And then when the contraction was over, just flat back again, eyes closed. And I did that. I don't remember how long I did it for, but just darkness and silence. And this is another reason why I really am glad that we didn't have anyone else there, because I don't understand how anyone could ever give birth other than complete silence and darkness.
00;38;51;08 - 00;39;13;21
Unknown
Like because that was all the best. So I was doing that till all of a sudden, like my consciousness came back and I was going to like, oh, I think I need to go to the bathroom. So I shuffled over to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet and I got scared. I remember being like, how long has it been since he moved?
00;39;13;21 - 00;39;33;10
Unknown
People talk about picking and wiggling, and I was like, I don't think that I know that he's moved and you know, what's going on and all of this stuff. And so I told Brynn and I was like, I'm scared. I don't know, like who? And he had told me like, okay, well, why don't we pick a couple of your mantras?
00;39;33;10 - 00;39;53;17
Unknown
And so I had made little mantra drawings while we were on the road, you know, and I picked out two of them. I trust the process. And I released control. And so he sat in front of me, and I sat on the toilet, and we just said, both over and over and over again until that's all that was left.
00;39;53;18 - 00;40;17;07
Unknown
I kind of like used them to push out the other thoughts of, you know, clearly this baby's dead because I have insulted and move. And so that thought was replaced by I trust the process. And I released control. And then I decided to touch like I reached inside and I touched his head. And that's probably the best moment of my entire life.
00;40;17;07 - 00;40;37;26
Unknown
I remember just like being so. And then all of a sudden it was like a spark of energy and I was like, I can do this. And I looked up and through the window that I could see from the bathroom, there was, you know, the sun had come up, the trees were there. It was like a bright, sunny, like fresh snow day if.
00;40;38;03 - 00;41;01;02
Unknown
And it just was like, oh, the world is beautiful and I can do this and it's time to to like, buck up and get going again. So I waddled out of the bathroom back onto like my chosen birth spot. And I was trying really hard to do a cool position, like a hands and knees or like a squat or like, you know, something awesome, like the warrior pose.
00;41;01;02 - 00;41;17;14
Unknown
Because that's what I had in my in my mind that I was going to give birth. But at a certain point, I remember being on my hands and knees and my arms were just tired. So I just, like flopped over onto my back. And I was like, you know what? I guess I'm doing this on my back because that's what it felt, right?
00;41;17;14 - 00;41;40;05
Unknown
And it felt good for the pushing too. But I was like, there was a small voice in my head like, oh, come on, you're going to give birth on your back. Like when you have every it's fine as long as the woman chooses it. Lots of women choose to give birth on their back. It was pretty awesome, actually, because it does allow like full relaxation when you're not in a contraction for some people, right?
00;41;40;06 - 00;42;05;14
Unknown
Right. For me. Not me. For me, it's. Yeah, totally. That's great. Yeah. So I was pushing and I could feel his head coming down and then retracting. And I was like, really, really desiring to like, go ahead and finish up the process. I was like, come on, baby. Like, let's do you know. So I was pushing pretty hard, actually, and intentionally.
00;42;05;14 - 00;42;29;11
Unknown
It wasn't like the on the bed was the time when my body took over and I wasn't trying this like was like at first I was like putting in 110% effort, trying to do it. Eventually his head did come out and he had a mutual hand, and I'm told that he grabbed my husband's finger with his little hand and I was like, oh, but that's cute.
00;42;29;11 - 00;42;47;08
Unknown
But I, I both of my babies did have we'll get to it later. But the other one had a hand up to and I was just like, the absolute most painful part of this whole birth process is when their head is out and the rest of them isn't. And I was like, well, we have to get like going on this.
00;42;47;08 - 00;43;08;07
Unknown
I tried to push without a contraction and that didn't do anything. And then like I got a bunch of like advice from my mother later, but like, you can't do that. You can't push with that. And like, I don't know, it didn't hurt anything. But then the finally the contraction came, and the best feeling that there is is when their body just, you know, it came out all at one time.
00;43;08;09 - 00;43;29;29
Unknown
It was awesome. And then he was there and he was blue. So we grabbed like more of our bath towels and put them on and put him on my chest and watched him pink up. And it was so magical. Just look at my baby and meet him in town, all those little toes and fingers. And I was so happy.
00;43;30;02 - 00;43;51;24
Unknown
And then about 45 minutes later, as we had discussed, Brandon starts talking to me about the placenta and it doesn't really come out. And I'm kind of like, you know, I'm like doing like performative thank you to it. You know, like I'm saying thank you, but I'm not really like it was just like, this is what what you're supposed to do, you know?
00;43;51;26 - 00;44;13;02
Unknown
And I end up kind of like delaying that for it was about two hours and I still haven't got it out. And then our neighbors roll up the road to our house and get out and knock on the door. And they had come by because Brandon had said, like, we helped me move a foundation like a shed foundation.
00;44;13;05 - 00;44;37;10
Unknown
And of course, when they decide to come by is when I've just given birth, you know, and I'm like fully new, everything else. And so Brandon's like, oh, I can tell them to go away. But like in reality, we did have a bunch of our really valuable, necessary stuff just piled outside, like under an easy up that was collapsing and being held up by two by fours.
00;44;37;10 - 00;44;58;24
Unknown
So we needed this shed and I I'm in that state, you know, like, I mean, you've talked about it on a bunch of episodes. I didn't I should have probably said like, no, tell them to come back tomorrow at least, you know. But I was like, sure, fine. You know, whatever. So this woman, who I have only met once through a car like, hi, how are you on?
00;44;58;24 - 00;45;26;29
Unknown
The new neighbor is sitting in a chair in like the living room with me, and I have my baby and I'm fully nude and my placenta still in. Yeah. While Brandon and and Charlie go move this foundation. Okay. And that that did not help the placenta thing. Like she tried to, like she was like, it's fine. And I tried to push it out while she was there, and I just it was just bad news, like.
00;45;27;01 - 00;45;55;00
Unknown
That's crazy. Yeah. So then they did leave, and somehow it becomes to where it's been five hours since the band is still in. And luckily I was in the lighthouse at that way. And I remember you had made a very, very long post detailing placenta. I don't want to say like protocol, but just like your thoughts of, like all the things that might cause it to not come out and what to do.
00;45;55;00 - 00;46;21;22
Unknown
And so I had Brandon read that to me word for word, and I listened to it, and it was all the stuff of like, okay, obviously I had an interruption, so that's going to be part of it. Do I actually want the placenta to come out? And I've frayed of, you know, the act of it coming out of like the feeling or just like not wanting to give birth anything else or not wanting to be done with the process or all of these things.
00;46;21;22 - 00;46;40;02
Unknown
So I was considering all of that and I was like, okay, I've got all that in my mind. Let's cut the cord. Brandon, you can hold Bruce. I'm going in the bathroom and I'm not coming out until the placenta is in a bowl. So that's what I did. I just had, like, the determination of, like, it's time now.
00;46;40;03 - 00;47;03;18
Unknown
Like, this is like, I'm done screwing around. I'm done pretending to, you know, spiritually think the placenta until she comes out like she's coming out because I say so, you know. And so we did. We cut the cord. We tied it with a shoelace because, like I said, we didn't have anything else. But I think actually I liked better than for my second birth, but I was awesome.
00;47;03;20 - 00;47;23;07
Unknown
So I go into the bathroom and I just thought of each thing like, okay, I've had this interruption. Accept it. That's how it is. You know? That doesn't get to stop me. I really, actually don't want something else coming out of my vagina right now, but I have to accept that, so I'm not going to let that stop me.
00;47;23;07 - 00;47;43;01
Unknown
Am I ready to be done with this process of birth? Like, yes, yes, I am like I am ready. And so then I, you know, I did cord traction and when the cord would become taut, I would let it go again and then kind of try to like push because I wasn't having any contractions per se to like help me get it out.
00;47;43;01 - 00;48;08;05
Unknown
And so I did that. I think I probably took 20 minutes. And finally, you know, it came out and then I immediately peed on it. So I didn't eat it or anything like that. We buried it under a tree later. And yeah, I went back out. I got my baby settled up comfortably with some blankets, and he had his first lapse.
00;48;08;05 - 00;48;35;11
Unknown
Then not until five hours later, because I had been so distracted by everything that I had kind of thought, like he was suckling at it and I was like, is this right? Like, is this okay? And then went after the placenta and I could finally relax and everything was like much more so than we had. Brandon helped me to like a position where then he latched and you can you just know when they actually start watching.
00;48;35;11 - 00;49;03;07
Unknown
And I was really relieved at that point that those two things, the placenta and the latch, you know. So then, then it was just then, you know, go to town and get me a pizza. And that's what he did. And yeah, that was the first the first story. I can't believe those people came by. Oh my God, it's funny, but that's life.
00;49;03;08 - 00;49;34;16
Unknown
You know, I was thinking when you were sharing that part that you have this really intimate reference point of disruption and the potential cost of disruption. And then you think about someone birthing in the hospital, that's nothing. That's nothing. You know, like two people that aren't even strangers that came over to help you. It is nothing compared to who didn't touch you, you know, compared to just the average experience of third stage in the hospital.
00;49;34;18 - 00;50;02;15
Unknown
It's just. Wow. Anyway. No, that's that's true. You know. Yeah. Just the cost of that. So what what is the age gap between Bruce and next pregnancy? So Kate was born at the end of September, so she's, like, two months shy of two years, like, so he was going to turn to in two months. So pretty close.
00;50;02;16 - 00;50;29;19
Unknown
Yeah. Yeah. So he was only one when you got pregnant? Yeah. Oh, he was exactly one. Yeah. Okay. So, yeah. What do you want to say about your first year of motherhood and then moving into that second pregnancy. And I'm so interested to hear how that tracks with, like, the development of your land and. Yeah, just like who you're becoming because this is such a pivot from your old life.
00;50;29;21 - 00;51;03;04
Unknown
Yeah. So we are mantra is kind of like food production is the first priority here. So we were all about, you know, get chickens, get a milk house, start a garden and all of that stuff had to happen. You know, pretty much right away I did observe my 60 days. And that, I will say, was super important. All the bone broth, the broth, until I couldn't pretty much stand the thought of bone broth when he would go to like the stuff like, oh, no, so you know enough, right?
00;51;03;06 - 00;51;21;00
Unknown
Like that's how you know you've had a good amount, I think. And I didn't do anything for 60 days. And so that really set us up, I think. Well, to move forward, my healing was great. And then I just jumped into the homesteading life, you know, with both feet and with him in like a little cart all bundled up.
00;51;21;00 - 00;51;50;02
Unknown
And so for that first year, it really is just the start of everything from scratch. Another huge learning curve. But we really want the babies. And I'm 37 and you know, I kind of feel like, who knows? But I feel like I'm going to have five babies, so I'm not really trying to space them out just because, like on the one hand, if you want five babies, like, I don't know if I want to do little babies for 20 years.
00;51;50;02 - 00;52;12;12
Unknown
So I want to like, you know, they'll just do that phase now, you know. So yeah, I would say more or less to have her tight spacing. We never did anything to try to space them. And we're just, you know, doing the beautiful cycle. Like you take the chicken poop in the cow poop and put it in the garden.
00;52;12;12 - 00;52;33;05
Unknown
And then, you know, the cycle of life. And we dug a well. And, you know, it was really, really busy, but really, really fun. And then another wild pregnancy with her, like, I remember like, just like during the summer, like canning over my big belly, looking at my tallow that I'm rendering like, okay, you know, it's so cool.
00;52;33;05 - 00;52;55;28
Unknown
And, toddlers are hilarious about it. Like, you know, when he's like, playing with my belly and telling me, you know, like, like he didn't understand he was too young to understand like that. There's, like, a sibling in their baby I would ask for. And he's like, yeah. And I think he completely didn't understand. So it was just it was great, I don't know.
00;52;55;28 - 00;53;18;02
Unknown
Is there anything else you are curious about this time? I'm a lot more connected to the community, so there wasn't I didn't really mention, but there was some concerns. We ended up going to the Mormon church for Bruce's like proof of pregnancy and like as, like a public figure to get the birth certificate. And then this time we had more connections I didn't have to worry about.
00;53;18;03 - 00;53;32;27
Unknown
Like, like that before was so stressful. You know, Brandon got dressed up in, like, a suit and went down to ask him if they would do this for us. And now it was sort of like, these are the this is the home birth lady. Like someone's got to give her her proof of pregnancy in live birth, you know.
00;53;32;28 - 00;53;51;13
Unknown
And it was all very chill the second time around. But anyway, so I have another wild pregnancy. And this time, instead of being, I think I was expecting again, which a lot of people do, I'm like, oh, he was, you know, at 38 weeks last time. So 38 weeks came and I treated it like it was my 40 weeks.
00;53;51;13 - 00;54;23;16
Unknown
And then Kate came at like 41.5. And so I had that like eternity between when I thought I was supposed to give birth and when I really did. But it was the same thing again, middle of the night. Brandon was up doing something, and then he comes into bed and I kind of stretch because I'm cuddling. Bruce and I stretched out and heard like an elastic band pop sound, and I was like, oh, you know, there was a small voice in the back of my head that I remember that said, like, it's probably the cord.
00;54;23;18 - 00;54;40;24
Unknown
And I'm like, no, it's not the cord snapping. I wouldn't even make that sound. That doesn't make any sense. Definitely. You know. And then the trickle came, came down my leg of the amniotic fluid. And again, I went to sleep and woke up in the middle of the night knowing that that I wasn't going to be able to sleep anymore.
00;54;40;24 - 00;55;06;15
Unknown
And it was September. So I thought, like, maybe I'll be able to give birth outside. So I like, walked outside and just so gorgeous, like we get such beautiful stars and everything. And I was like, yeah, okay. And I have a mattress. But like, my big pregnant self was laying on all summer, like just laying out outside. And then my dogs, we have livestock gardening dogs and they started like doing their patrolling and barking like in a circle around our house.
00;55;06;15 - 00;55;32;10
Unknown
And I was just like, oh, back inside. Like definitely not going to be able to relax out here while I'm like, you know, there's whatever in the darkness that they're talking to. So I kind of like inside and I try to start making some tea, but this time the contractions are like, I have to go down on my knees like every single contraction right from the time that I get inside, which was going to be like 20 minutes from getting up.
00;55;32;10 - 00;55;52;11
Unknown
And so I don't get the tea made, but I hear Bruce starting to wake up and I go in, and I like trying to be nice, but kind of cranky, like I'm I'm giving birth now, like I'm in labor. Like this is happening. Like, you know, I really wish that he wasn't waking up. And Brandon was like, okay, like, go back out to living room, like, I'll take care of Bruce, don't worry about it.
00;55;52;11 - 00;56;16;15
Unknown
And he actually was able to put him to sleep, which is not normal. But this was like the magic of the birth portals that he said, like, dude, I think you should stay asleep for this. And spoiler alert, completely asleep the entire time. And so Brandon comes back out. He makes my tea for me, and this time I'm focusing a little bit more on like the going with the flow.
00;56;16;15 - 00;56;37;08
Unknown
I never found like the blissful portal, but I was trying to like, just I was really focused on like breathwork, you know, breathing, breathing. And every single time a contraction would come, the only place for me was on my knees in front of the couch, like laying with my head on with visions. And I had a pillow underneath me with a towel on it.
00;56;37;08 - 00;56;59;17
Unknown
And I was just like peeing freely or amniotic fluid or whatever. It was just it was like a lot of that. And so that was going on for a while, and this time I wasn't restless. This time it was the one position that would work, you know, every single time on my knees. And so I did end up in the bathroom at one point.
00;56;59;18 - 00;57;17;23
Unknown
And I got up. And I think this might have been my version of transition for this birth, because I got up and I felt the heart breaking need to be with my toddler. I just like, I don't know, it was like longing and just like, like was like in my heart. Like I have to be with him. I need to, like, be near him.
00;57;17;23 - 00;57;37;15
Unknown
And I was like, well, that's kind of inconvenient because he's sleeping really well right now. Like, this is a really dumb idea, but what are you going to do when you have that kind of feeling like you can't just be like, no, I don't think I'll do it. So I was like, all right. So I get into bed and I go over and like, lay down next to him, and then immediately I'm like, Brandon, help me up.
00;57;37;15 - 00;57;55;27
Unknown
I can't lay out like I could not. It was the most horrible feeling ever to be laying down. And so I'm like, on my hands and knees and I'm kind of like trying to, like, pace around on the bed on my guns and knees. And then a contraction just like the like goes through me like a train on the tracks.
00;57;55;27 - 00;58;21;20
Unknown
It was like. And it was so intense that my entire body froze up and I was like, no, no, no, no, this is too soon. I can't like, what the heck was that like? It was the most intense contraction I've ever had. And so then another one happens and I am locked against it, like every muscle and bone in my body is just like, we're not doing this right now.
00;58;21;20 - 00;58;47;27
Unknown
And then I called a Brandon and I'm like, I think the heads coming because I literally felt her head like, the only way I can think of to describe it is when you're on a roller coaster and it's like clicking up, and then you hit that part where it hits the block that stops you. Like I felt her head like slide and like, then hit like a, you know, like a part of my body where she's going to have to take a rest moment before moving through, which I think was.
00;58;48;00 - 00;59;07;04
Unknown
And I was like, okay, I think the heads coming. And he was just like, really already? But he where's he going to go? It's 26ft long. So he was in there like pretty much instantly. And another contraction. He's always two steps away. Yeah.
00;59;07;06 - 00;59;31;29
Unknown
And so then another contraction comes and I thought it again, and I knew that her head wanted to come. And I say out loud, I say, I don't know what to do because I was just, I don't I was so locked against the idea. I thought it was way too soon and it was way too big. It was bigger than any contraction that I had with Bruce, and then I immediately followed it up with like, do not give me any advice.
00;59;32;02 - 00;59;40;29
Unknown
He was me because I knew what I shut up exactly.
00;59;41;01 - 01;00;11;29
Unknown
And then a voice of reason came into my my mind like, well, obviously you're going to push and you're going to give birth to this baby. Like that's, you know, would you rather sit here and do this fighting it, you know. No. Like you're gonna gonna get with the program. So I did. And two more pushes, maybe her hand, her head came out and there was that moment of, like, desperation to get the rest of her out.
01;00;12;00 - 01;00;31;24
Unknown
My least favorite part of birth. And then my favorite part of birth. When my body came out, I was on hands and knees, and that was really a vulnerable position. I remember thinking again, like, I don't understand how people can give birth in other scenarios because this is the person that I love and trust the most in my life behind me.
01;00;31;24 - 01;00;58;05
Unknown
And I'm still thinking like, man, I really wish I wasn't fully displayed like this, you know? And like feeling very, very vulnerable. Which I don't know if maybe that had to do with why I was fighting the contractions, because I didn't like that position, but there wasn't any other position for me to be in. But I still I was it was very exposed like that.
01;00;58;06 - 01;01;27;19
Unknown
And I'm, you know, when, when I'm actually pushing her out, I'm like, I wouldn't say warring, I would say screaming. I was like, and toddler is just out, out completely. It was magic. And so then cakes here, it's a girl, you know, we're hugging and holding her and I'm, you know, just laying in bed and then this time for the placenta up there, just like the bed next to sleeping Bruce.
01;01;27;21 - 01;01;48;13
Unknown
Yeah. He's up, like, at the pillows. And I'm at the end of the bed. Wow. Yeah. And he's just. It's funny. I have a couple pictures where we're like, you know, taking selfies with the new baby, and he's just passed on that. Yeah. That's awesome. Yeah. Suddenly magical about that moment of, like, need you to sleep through this.
01;01;48;13 - 01;02;09;09
Unknown
And he just did it. But anyway, so this time Brandon took a little bit of more of an initiative because I was I was laying there like, you know, I know I have to do this. I don't really want to. And he like, got things more ready in the bathroom. Like we have a composting toilet. So it's like a bucket.
01;02;09;09 - 01;02;28;27
Unknown
And he put the bowl like on top of the bucket inside the toilet. So I wouldn't have to be holding that. And he got a chair and put it next to the toilet so that he could hold Kate and I could still be attached to her. And then he was like, okay, I think that I've got it kind of set up well, and I don't know if it would have been easier the second time anyway.
01;02;28;27 - 01;02;49;24
Unknown
Probably. But this was very, very easy. You know, I was able to still hold my baby. I didn't have to worry about the logistics with the bowl and a more genuine thank you to the placenta, I would say, you know. And then it came. It just came out and was beautiful. And I got to have that experience of holding my baby with the placenta and the bowl, which I had really wanted.
01;02;49;24 - 01;03;12;17
Unknown
And I told him that I wanted that. So I was really grateful that he kind of like, stepped up to set up a situation where I would be able to more easily achieve that. Yeah. And then we had some strawberry ice cream. And just like Toddler boy, as soon as he heard the ice cream, like, you know, the package, he was up, you know, opened a package around a toddler.
01;03;12;19 - 01;03;36;05
Unknown
Check it out, Johnny. That's what will come out. Yeah. After not me screaming me. Yeah, that's funny. And what was his reaction when he woke up to his baby? It was it was very sweet. It was sort of like a little bit shy and also like a little bit wise. And just like, he just kind of was like, yeah, okay.
01;03;36;08 - 01;03;53;05
Unknown
We're like, here, here's your sister. And he's like, all right. And this is my life now. Yeah. But he was a little like just a little a little bit like backed off, you know, not really super. He was more quiet than normal as he kind of looked at her and took it all in. And pretty big thing to wake up to.
01;03;53;08 - 01;04;18;11
Unknown
Yeah. And I was glad again that we were home for that, you know, that he that it was just like a really streamlined. Yeah. Integrated. Yeah. And that was how long ago. How old is Kate? About eight months. Oh. Pretty fresh. So you should be pregnant any day now, right? Actually, vacation plans. And they don't want us to have a kid in the, like.
01;04;18;12 - 01;04;34;10
Unknown
The huts over the water I have, I got this is. I got a vacation canceled on me in 2020 to have a hut over the water in Indonesia. But they won't let you have children in them. But. And so I'm like, okay, we can't get pregnant, at least until I can be very pregnant while we're there, but I can't.
01;04;34;11 - 01;04;56;02
Unknown
Yeah. You know, so we have to time it out just a little bit this time. Well, where are the kids going to be with a grandparent? Gotcha. Hell, yeah. What island? It's called Raja. I'm for office. So wrong. Nice. So, yeah. You can be pregnant. You just can't have a baby, you know?
01;04;56;05 - 01;05;23;13
Unknown
That sounds worth planning for. Planning around. Awesome. Well, anything else you want to say before we close? Yeah, I so I think they may have had some prolapse in my recovery with Kate because I had so much going on as far as, like the homestead. And there was a little bit of a, a little bit of a conflict between me and Brandon about like he was going to do all the stuff that I normally would do.
01;05;23;14 - 01;05;39;11
Unknown
And so it's like, I'm just saying this as a get really clear on whether the person who's going to do your stuff for you is going to do it their way, or if they're going to do it the way that you want them to do it. You know, I can tell you right now, it's not going to be your way.
01;05;39;15 - 01;06;17;13
Unknown
I know, but I was so mad. I was like, like, but you're doing this, so you should be you have to say that differently. It's not. Get clear on if it's be prepared that right that your man is going to keep the house and do your end his way, which will be underwhelming, imperfect and sloppy. Right? And in a 26ft trailer right in front of your face where you're trying to cut on your baby, and you can always level because at least in a house, you can just, like, stay in your chambers and not see how dirty the floors are or whatever, right?
01;06;17;15 - 01;06;32;27
Unknown
Yeah. So I got up and I started being like, it's okay, I'm the cow, she's my cow. It's chill. And it was not. So like one point I went to take a shower and I never looked at it or really thought about it hard, but there was like a fleshy balloon of something that wasn't supposed to be there.
01;06;32;27 - 01;06;44;29
Unknown
And so then I went back to bed. Much more serious in your vagina. We're not talking about the cow. Yeah, just my my vagina I like. Yes.
01;06;45;02 - 01;07;03;20
Unknown
Oh, okay. So then that was a reset for you? Yeah. So then I went back to bed, and I also had, like, things that I didn't put on hold that I should have. Like, the day after he was born, I had a call with a lawyer scheduled about just like some disputes that were going on with the property, and I should have canceled it, and I decided not to.
01;07;03;20 - 01;07;25;29
Unknown
And so I thought, I think based on having such a good postpartum with my first that I like, I was like, no, that was sort of like too much. I sort of created a prison for myself. I'm going to let myself be more relaxed this upcoming time and do what I want to do. But what I wanted to do, it's so easy for that to fall off into what you feel like you have to do and not even really realize it, or doing it for.
01;07;26;01 - 01;07;51;01
Unknown
So anyway, yeah, third time's the charm. I'm going to get it really right. The third, I think, like a good guiding question is like, does blank support my healing and my continued psychedelic state and integration? You know, so like maybe a slow walk in the woods, that would be a yes. Maybe sitting in the sunshine might be a yes.
01;07;51;01 - 01;08;26;03
Unknown
But talk with a lawyer is a hard no. Milking a cow is a hard no right. Like if does it support because women. I do think my judgment is that some women will take the 40 day thing like really weirdly serious and also be miserable like at the same. And I'm not suggesting that was you, but I've seen other women, you know, like after whatever, two weeks, you know, they'll like, reach out to me and be like, I am so bored and so like cabin fever and like, well, big time like these.
01;08;26;04 - 01;08;47;11
Unknown
There's no rules. You guys just do whatever you want. It like what feels good and what supports your integration and that psychedelic state. And it's not ever going to be screens. It's never going to be right. Like the heady stuff. It's going to be the other stuff. But yeah, I hear you. Third time's charm. You'll do it. Yeah.
01;08;47;12 - 01;09;13;12
Unknown
No, I the that is correct about the first time. Like I was so like rigid about it that it was to my document. You know I was like well my body's atrophying and I'm just laying here like. And then I did it. Yeah, yeah, but it's an art for sure. So we're learning. We're learning. All right. Well, thank you so much for your time.
01;09;13;12 - 01;09;33;12
Unknown
I loved hearing your stories. Yeah. Thank you so much. I really enjoyed telling them. All right, women, I hope you enjoyed the show today. You can support this podcast by donating to it through the link in the show notes below. And of course, leaving an awesome review on whatever platform you listen on. The more reviews, the more visibility the show gets.
01;09;33;12 - 01;09;58;00
Unknown
So let's spread the good word of free birth. Don't forget, you can watch all of my podcast interviews on YouTube and see the women as they tell their birth and power stories. And you will also find our viral free worth collection of epic Raw Birth videos on our YouTube channel. So make sure you're subscribed! We always have a lot going on at Free Birth Society, and you can find out about all of it at Freebird Society.
01;09;58;02 - 01;10;24;08
Unknown
And I am at Freebird Society on Instagram. Please opt in to my newsletter below so that you don't miss a thing. We offer courses on free birth, sovereign birth work as well as one on one coaching women's retreats so much. Our exclusive private vetted membership. The Lighthouse is definitely something to check out. If you were looking for a community of wise sisters to get guidance from and to meet in real life, together we rise.
01;10;24;08 - 01;10;36;20
Unknown
Sisters, we must speak our stories fully, claim our lives, and support one another. This is the living revolution and I am so grateful to be in it with all of you. Till next time.
