00;00;02;15 - 00;00;38;22
Unknown
Hi women. Before we dive in today, I need to name something important. This episode, along with all episodes that you will hear until our winter break in mid-December, was recorded before my birth prior to mid-August. Since then, our family has walked through the unimaginable. Our son was stillborn and we are in deep mourning as the shows air, you'll hear and see me pregnant, which now feels incredibly painful and weird.
00;00;38;25 - 00;01;08;23
Unknown
Given that you are holding the sacred knowledge of what came after. So please forgive the dissonance. These stories still deserve to be shared and heard. We welcome your prayers, your loving thoughts, and your support as we navigate this spiral of such deep grief. I hope you find resonance and nourishment in this conversation today. Thank you. Welcome to Free Birth Society.
00;01;08;23 - 00;01;37;08
Unknown
I'm Emilee Saldaya, and this is where we break the spell of medicalized birth. Remember what's been forgotten and rise together into our birthright to live, birth and mother as sovereign women. Who. Hi. Hey. Yeah. Hello. Coming in hot. Yeah, right, I love it. I know, I was just telling you. Thought I was having a baby last night. I'm fully contracting right now.
00;01;37;08 - 00;01;58;18
Unknown
It's, like, hard as a rock. So I'm going to be over here. Breathe and away. My honey is about to bring me a latte. That's what's going on in my world. How are you doing? Nice, nice. I'm great, I'm great. I actually just got off a call. We I think I had shared with you. We bought land in 2019.
00;01;58;21 - 00;02;22;21
Unknown
We're still trying to find an architect to sort of help us with the schematic. Yeah, I think, I mean, we took a long pause and now we're like, I feel ready. I feel ready to, to do this. So I just got off the call and I'm hoping that within the next month, because we've interviewed for or five architects that like, will make a decision and we'll start moving forward.
00;02;22;21 - 00;02;47;14
Unknown
So I'm excited about that. That's like my new creation in this world. So rather than having another baby. This is my creation. Hopefully this is what I'm in a birth into the world. That's exciting. Okay, so take us back because you and I have been connected for a while now. I'm trying to pull it all out of my my mushy brain.
00;02;47;16 - 00;03;11;13
Unknown
Yeah. Take me back to who you are before you become a mom. I mean, I know that you already know about before you become a mom. So just give us a little. Yeah. What are you about? Before you head into your first pregnancy and just take the reins and tell us. Tell us the whole story, and I'll chime in where I want.
00;03;11;14 - 00;03;38;22
Unknown
Yeah, for sure. So when I. Let's let me start with after I got married. It was a time of, like, massive stress in my life, to be completely honest, because my mom had a stroke shortly after we got married. And so it sort of put a kink in our conception plans, you know, because actually, a year and a half prior, my dad had a massive stroke.
00;03;38;23 - 00;04;07;22
Unknown
Oh, no. And are they. Together. They were together. Yeah. My mom has since passed. And so it was. Yeah. There was lots of turmoil, lots of, like, my whole world. Sort of like blue open, right? And so after my mom had her stroke and January of 2019. I just spent a lot of time caring for her, taking her to hospital visits, and just trying to figure out really how to get her care.
00;04;07;28 - 00;04;30;08
Unknown
And so how impacted was she by the stroke? How did it change her life? Pretty massively like her. She was impacted on her right side. And so at first she was pretty much fully paralyzed on the right side. And my father affected his left side. So he was already, you know. Yeah, he needed like 24 hour care, my father.
00;04;30;08 - 00;04;59;23
Unknown
And so yes. So my mom had been caring for him full time and she they also hired someone not full time, but she was at her house like at their house. I didn't live with them at this time pretty frequently. And so I just believe through a lot of stress and whatever else, it really contributed to a lot of, yeah, just stress that she was going through.
00;04;59;23 - 00;05;29;25
Unknown
And so let's just say, yeah, 2019 was just really it was difficult. My husband and I ended up moving in with my parents just to sort of help, because both of them needed a lot of help. And so let's make a long story short. Let's just say once you started to rehabilitate and I felt my energy and sort of my focus shifting was around like the end of 2019 and early 2020, even despite what was going on in the world.
00;05;29;28 - 00;05;57;22
Unknown
Time for the world, of course. I guess I just I'm like so blown away. And it's making me wonder how often this happens in couples, like how wild that your dad has this stroke on his. You said it's mostly impacted his left arm. And then your mom, how many years later? A year and a half. So. So right away, basically on the opposite side.
00;05;57;22 - 00;06;12;23
Unknown
So you have these parents that are living together who have each aside so seriously impacted. That's just kind of so strange. Yeah. It was so.
00;06;12;26 - 00;06;47;01
Unknown
Wild. Yeah. And is your father still alive? My father still alive? Yeah. He has a full time live in person with him because he still needs, like, 24 hour care, like he can't bathe himself. He can't? Yeah. Cook meals. So. Yeah, he. Yeah. What a trip, man. Such a trip. I mean, since 2017. Yeah. It's so wild this ride that I've been on, you know, I see the blessings in it now, but when I was going through it.
00;06;47;02 - 00;07;15;22
Unknown
Holy shit. Like, talk about massive. Like. Yeah, just like identity explosion and just like, all the things like it really. I questioned a lot. Let's just say, okay, so you move in with them, right when Covid starts to pop. Yes. And then yeah, that's when I started to, as I mentioned like shift my focus and sort of wanting to conceive.
00;07;15;22 - 00;07;36;19
Unknown
And at that point I was so sort of ignorant around the birth world. Like, I truly didn't know. It sounds crazy. I know that if having a home birth was legal, like I had to do a lot of research because most of my friends, I mean, really, all of my friends had birthed in hospitals and mostly scheduled C-sections.
00;07;36;19 - 00;07;57;29
Unknown
And so that's just like what? You know, I thought my path was going to be until I really just started to go inward and realizing, especially through my experience with being in the hospital so often. And at this point, I wasn't going to the hospital for routine, you know, exams. It just wasn't in alignment. It didn't feel right.
00;07;58;00 - 00;08;21;12
Unknown
And so just thinking like, why would I, you know, what other options are there for me? And that's just yeah, I just started to do a ton of research, and that's when I came across the Free Birth Society podcast, and I really just devoured all of the podcast, really. And it just really helped open my eyes to what else is possible.
00;08;21;17 - 00;08;49;16
Unknown
So like when you first hear it, are you like, you know, because everyone kind of hits it different, like so many women when they first hear it. It's like fascinating because they've never heard stories like this. But but they're very like, that's obviously not me, but it's interesting. Or and then, you know, obviously on the other end of the spectrum, women are hearing it and they know immediately, you know, that's how I'm going to do it.
00;08;49;18 - 00;09;12;02
Unknown
Where did you fall? It was immediate. It was immediate that I yeah, that I wanted to do it differently. And the resonance with the stories that I was hearing was just really profound, you know, and I really I knew that this was my path. I didn't know if I wanted to have a free birth. I just knew I wanted to be sovereign.
00;09;12;03 - 00;09;35;03
Unknown
You know, I had heard stories about, you know, attended birth. And so it just yeah, it was very much in alignment with what, you know, the path that I wanted to go down. I didn't know exactly what that would look like. However. Yeah, it was very much like in resonance with, with what I wanted and so. And not pregnant yet.
00;09;35;04 - 00;10;02;16
Unknown
No, I wasn't pregnant yet. Yeah, I was, I was just doing research at this point. And were you I mean, it's like all subjective, but you are an older mom, right? Yes, yes. So I yeah. How old was I? What is happening. She knows balloon I did you know what it is when you when you do certain like it's hilarious when.
00;10;02;22 - 00;10;31;21
Unknown
Why would balloons I don't know. Oh because I think like celebration. I don't know what like the hand gestures are. It's hilarious. Older mom celebration. How old was I? At this point, I was 39 point. I was 39, and I just I mean, I wasn't I'm just at this point of where I was in my life, I just, I wasn't going to succumb to like the narrative of.
00;10;31;26 - 00;10;54;18
Unknown
Yeah, I just that wasn't even in my consciousness. I just did not let any of that in because I felt vital, I felt healthy, and so I wasn't I wasn't going to let any of that in. Had you ever been pregnant before? Your daughter? Never. Okay. Yeah. Never. So you're like, I just want to get a little more sense of, like, what you're about.
00;10;54;19 - 00;11;19;22
Unknown
Like, your friends are all normies in the birth. At least in the birth realm. No disrespect, but, like, yeah, they're doing that. But you are not engaging with gynecology, correct? You're living with your parents, you're freshly married, you're 39, you hear the podcast and you're like, oh, that makes sense. I'm going to just have a normal sovereign birth.
00;11;19;22 - 00;11;44;13
Unknown
But is the rest of your life or personality like that? No, no, because at this point I was like pretty much like, not necessarily like hiding myself because I didn't realize that, you know, I was still working in corporate in advertising. What actually helped and really.
00;11;44;15 - 00;12;05;26
Unknown
So much shifted after my mom passed, let's just say after her soul left her body is really when I started to align my internal values and what was important to me with my lifestyle. And so that is when. So my mom, her soul, left her body in June of 2020 and so that her stress soon after her stroke.
00;12;05;29 - 00;12;31;04
Unknown
Yes. Oh, wow. Okay. Yes. And so at that point, I was living right outside of Boston. So I was living in a city, I was working in advertising, and I was in a position where I was in constant panic, like I was in a position that was just way above my skill level and way above, like my capacity for like, visibility.
00;12;31;05 - 00;12;52;06
Unknown
It was just I got promoted very quickly and at where I was like my nervous system. It was just too much for me. And I literally was every single day that I would go into work, it was like panic mode. And so yeah, it was not a great situation and don't know that I did, but I was so used to it.
00;12;52;06 - 00;13;21;11
Unknown
I was so used to feeling this terror, plus just also thinking about what was going on my home life, like my father and my mother and and so I just became numb to it, to be honest, you know, and that was just sort of my way of being in coping and. Yeah. And so after June of 2020, it was just a massive turning point for me, because that's when I made the decision to leave my job in advertising.
00;13;21;14 - 00;13;54;15
Unknown
So much happened in that year, from June of 2020 to June of 2021, massive shifts. So all of like the life transitions that you could possibly go through, like I went through in that one year. So my mom passed. I made the decision to leave my corporate job, start my own business. We moved. So I was living in this house right outside of the city for 15 or so years, and we decided to move closer to the ocean and just to be away from the city, more land.
00;13;54;18 - 00;14;26;22
Unknown
And I found out I was pregnant. So of June 2021. And so yeah, it was. So essentially, to answer your question, I was in that process of sort of shifting to align my internal world with my external world, you know, so that's sort of where, where I was. Are you an only child? I have an older sister. And was she involved with the parents?
00;14;26;25 - 00;14;55;05
Unknown
She was. She lives, you know, she lives quite a few hours away. And also she was she owned her own business. And it was just really it required a lot of her. It required a lot of her. And so she was also just at max capacity, like both in her nervous system, what she was able to handle, you know, personally and professionally because her business just required so much of her.
00;14;55;05 - 00;15;19;04
Unknown
And so she helped as much as she could. Yeah. So when you say you quit your job and started your own business, what was it that you started? So I had been, you know, previous for maybe like 6 or 7 years before that, just in the coaching world. I took quite a few coaching certifications. And hypnosis was also like a tool that I wanted to bring in.
00;15;19;04 - 00;15;40;15
Unknown
So yeah, just wanting to do and I had already been sort of dabbling in having my own one on one clients, and so I knew I loved it. I was super passionate about it. I was just terrified to actually make the leap and the jump from having this, like, you know, it wasn't secure and that it was like, good for me.
00;15;40;15 - 00;16;10;03
Unknown
But just like from a financial security perspective, I was terrified to leave because it's like, you know, even though I knew that this wasn't great for me and what I wanted. It's what I knew, you know, it was familiar. It was what was familiar. That's sort of where I was. And my mom was the catalyst to, you know, really help me lean into and feel into like life is too short to be doing something that I hate and not necessarily that I hate that I was just it wasn't.
00;16;10;06 - 00;16;38;12
Unknown
It wasn't in alignment with my values, what I wanted, like how I wanted to, you know, be of support in this world. It just that wasn't it. Okay, so you get pregnant, I get pregnant and, you know, right away I just knew that I wanted to create my own care. You know, I wanted to basically, like, be in charge of what prenatal care looked like.
00;16;38;12 - 00;17;08;04
Unknown
And that was very much, you know, listening to the I was also in the membership at this point to. Yeah. And listening to the podcast that I had listened to just really helped confirm and help me see what was possible. Right. And so, yeah, I pretty much just created my own prenatal care through like massage and chiropractic support.
00;17;08;07 - 00;17;43;14
Unknown
And I felt great. And so, yeah, I mean, it was it's pretty sort of uneventful because I really had such a wonderful pregnancy. I never experienced morning sickness, you know, of course, like the fatigue here and there. And I really created at this point, since so much had happened previous to this, when I found out I was pregnant, because this is actually kind of interesting, but we moved and we moved in June of 2021, and a week later is when I went to the first Matriarch Rising festival.
00;17;43;16 - 00;18;11;00
Unknown
And so I actually conceived that weekend that we moved. Oh, and and I had a feeling, I had a feeling that I conceived that weekend. And so when I came home and, you know, I missed my, my bleed, took a pregnancy test and it confirmed what I had already known. You know, that. Yeah, that I was pregnant. So that was really exciting.
00;18;11;02 - 00;18;42;21
Unknown
So you do a wild pregnancy? I did I did a wild pregnancy. And what was the work of that? What was surprising or hard or, you know, it actually, I'm trying to think back because I do want to answer this honestly and nothing really. Okay. Yes. What is coming up is what was hard was being fully transparent.
00;18;42;24 - 00;19;08;06
Unknown
Yeah. To some of the closest people in my life. Like, I just didn't feel like I could be fully transparent. And that was just part of the internal work that I feel like was my path to do. Right? Of just being scared and terrified, to be fully open and vulnerable and authentic and truly share from a place of power and inner knowing.
00;19;08;08 - 00;19;35;09
Unknown
You know, even though I truly felt that like I know that this is my path, I know I feel so secure in my decisions. It felt it was just a little different, actually articulating that and communicating that to to some of the closest people around me. It's the last layer of truly embodying who you are and what you're up to become.
00;19;35;11 - 00;20;07;13
Unknown
It's one thing to internally know. It's a totally other thing to be congruent, and only in total congruency. Even I would say like comfortably being congruent. I feel like might be the the full embodiment of, you know, walking the walk. Right? Which takes the practice. It takes all of what you're describing for sure. Great way to put it.
00;20;07;13 - 00;20;27;20
Unknown
And I feel as though in if I were to get pregnant again, which I am not planning on, it would be very different because I feel so embodied and I feel so confident and secure that I would be. I am in a different space in my life. I yeah, and so and I truly believe that was just part of the work.
00;20;27;22 - 00;20;54;24
Unknown
Right. And so yeah, that's beautifully put. Is that internally I was very congruent in terms of like how I felt in the intuition and what I knew to be true, however, to the external world and that communication and really showing up in that way, I just wasn't, I wasn't there. That's not so. Meaning what? Like, did you lie to people or like, how did it play out?
00;20;54;27 - 00;21;08;07
Unknown
Yeah. Not not necessarily like I mean yeah I to be honest, like I guess you could I feel like withholding information is, is a form of lying. So yes, you could say.
00;21;08;09 - 00;21;35;02
Unknown
You know, when I'd share, I was having a home birth, people would assume that I had like a medical midwife and I wouldn't correct them. So that's sort of. Yeah. The, the lying from withholding, you know, not being completely transparent and completely honest, but to be honest, like, I just I wasn't at the space or place to take on people's fear, you know, I just, I just I wasn't there.
00;21;35;05 - 00;22;01;15
Unknown
And so I assumed that some of the people that I would share completely, openly and fully would come at me with a lot of fear. And I just, I didn't want, I didn't want to take that on. And so that was the decision that I made of not being fully transparent and looking back. Do you feel like good about that or do you wish you had done something different?
00;22;01;18 - 00;22;21;08
Unknown
I don't wish I did anything different because truly that was like what I had the capacity for. You know, just in looking back who I was at that point, that's just all I knew. I didn't really know how to have these, like, really open, honest and.
00;22;21;10 - 00;22;47;25
Unknown
Intimate conversations in this way. You know, it really would, would activate my nervous system, like significantly. And so yeah, so in knowing that I just I just wasn't there. And when I look back, I just it's such a beautiful progression and I could see how much I've grown since then. And I think it's just part of the process.
00;22;47;26 - 00;23;11;20
Unknown
You know, who I was then versus who I am, of course, now. Yeah, now. So there's definitely no regret. I mean, it does make me sad that, you know, especially and like, you know, birth is so exciting and wanting to allow people really into my world, you know, feeling sad that some of the closest people didn't necessarily, like, know the intimate details.
00;23;11;23 - 00;23;32;18
Unknown
And that's that's okay. You know, I think, yeah, it's all good. And where did your husband land on all this? He was definitely, like, apprehensive, you know, very much like I'm I trust you. Like I'm going to follow what it is that, you know, the path that you you know, you're the one who's pregnant. And so I trust you.
00;23;32;18 - 00;24;02;25
Unknown
And I would love to talk to other husbands I would love. We decided to do The Complete Guide to Free Birth. So he just wanted more education and it was really beautiful. Through the network, I connected him with a lot of other husbands and fathers who had, you know, supported their women through free birth because at this point, I also didn't know whether I wanted someone there to support or whether I just wanted it to be me, him and our dog.
00;24;02;28 - 00;24;32;03
Unknown
You know, I wasn't yeah, I wasn't sure. And so that really helped him. Yeah. Speaking to other men that were supporting their women and then The Complete Guide to Free Birth. And then also just like feeling into me and my confidence and because I like was not wavering for me. You know, there wasn't any thought of like, well, maybe I would be more comfortable not know, like there was nothing.
00;24;32;03 - 00;24;58;19
Unknown
I was like very certain that I wanted to have baby at home. And so I think feeling into that also helped him feel more confident not to speak for him. But that's yeah, that's just what I pick up on and tap into. Yeah. If you're going to watch someone else ride a bike and they're like, I definitely want to ride this bike, I feel great about writing this bike.
00;24;58;20 - 00;25;15;19
Unknown
You're not going to be like as nervous watching someone ride a bike. That makes sense that the the pregnant woman sets the tone, whether they realize it or not. Yeah, I would say so. It was around 33 weeks when I decided to.
00;25;15;22 - 00;25;36;14
Unknown
Like, reach out to the birth keeper that I was, you know, just wanted to chat with. And I was interested in and even at that point, you know, in our conversations, they were very open and honest. And I had shared, you know, I still am not sure whether I want support, but I would love the option. And so it was just really beautiful.
00;25;36;15 - 00;26;02;20
Unknown
Like this woman was also just open to that, you know, like if you just want me to like, literally like park my car outside of your house. And if was a, this was a RBK grad who was like pretty new and young. Yes. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. She was amazing. And I had met her previously, and so just connected with her so deeply.
00;26;02;20 - 00;26;27;04
Unknown
And my husband had met her as well. And just a beautiful soul. I'm just going to mention her name be Butler. She was just. Yeah. I instantly resonated with her and I had reached out to her. We had lots of conversations and just sharing openly and honestly still that, you know, I, I feel like I yeah, I just wasn't sure.
00;26;27;05 - 00;26;47;02
Unknown
And so just the thought of having that option to me just felt beautiful and felt in alignment. And so that's just how we left it. And so she, we had calls, I don't remember if it was every two weeks just leading up to the birth. And that was also just beautifully supportive of just like sharing. What's a lie for you?
00;26;47;03 - 00;27;14;14
Unknown
You know what's coming up for you. Speak for a minute about, you know, your comfort and interest and willingness to involve like a very new, very young woman as your support. Because obviously these are the women that I train and, and coach and so many make up this story, like, who's going to hire me? Who's going to want me?
00;27;14;14 - 00;27;39;13
Unknown
I'm, you know, I'm young or I've only been to three births or whatever it is. And it's just like, not true, you know, and be a great example of, you know, I don't know if she's attending anymore, but like last time I tuned in with her, she was a very busy, beloved birth keeper. Yeah, that's a great, great question.
00;27;39;13 - 00;28;03;05
Unknown
And for me, I wasn't looking for advice or I wasn't looking for someone who's done it. You know, I was just looking for someone to hold space. Truly. What I was looking for, you know, it actually, her for me, it was like this younger sister energy, which I really loved. That's just sort of the dynamic that I felt into.
00;28;03;05 - 00;28;30;00
Unknown
And like I said, I wasn't looking for advice. I wasn't looking for someone to tell me how it was. And I actually found, you know, I thought it was beautiful that she hadn't gone through it because, again, I wasn't looking for that, and I really was just looking for another sister to see me and to witness me and to hold space, knowing that at whatever point, you know, like with her guidance.
00;28;30;00 - 00;29;01;05
Unknown
But I would make that decision if and when whatever decision I would need to make. Right. And so, yeah, I wasn't looking to outsource anything. I think it's really hard for a lot of women in the beginning to believe that women like you exist, you know, because it is such a paradigm shift of a woman wanting to really do her own thing, but also be supported, but not have a hierarchical relationship with someone anyway.
00;29;01;05 - 00;29;25;15
Unknown
So yeah, I think it's always important to kind of name that, because I know that there's lots of women like that who are like, exactly what you are, who even want the little sister made an energy, you know, you'll want to, as often said something like, I would never want some someone who's given birth to be at my birth.
00;29;25;17 - 00;29;52;26
Unknown
I think that's so funny. It's it's so great. I feel that I feel that because I that is when then projections, you know, can enter or. Yeah. Where do I want to go next. So yeah just again reiterate like her support felt really beautiful and comforting. And again it was just more holding space for yeah. Like what was coming up and anything that felt alive.
00;29;52;29 - 00;30;25;11
Unknown
And I'm trying to think if there's anything else interesting about the pregnancy to mention. Yeah. No, not at this point. So yeah. And then that really brings me to the day that I started to feel some contractions, which was March 10th. So my daughter was born 2022. So it was March 10th, 2022, and it was a Thursday and I was home.
00;30;25;13 - 00;30;47;19
Unknown
And yeah, I went to bed that night. So it was actually after I went to bed, I woke up around like I think it was like 11 or 1130 at night, starting to feel. Yeah, contractions are just sensations that I hadn't felt before and it's just starting to get really excited and new, you know, just this was it.
00;30;47;19 - 00;31;13;28
Unknown
I was 40 weeks and I think like five days or something around this time. Yeah. And just obviously knew, okay, like, this is it. And so I stayed in bed and just, you know, they were pretty mild and it was just more like just really giddy. I just remember being, like, really giddy and excited in bed and, and then they, I then I fell asleep.
00;31;13;28 - 00;31;38;13
Unknown
So that was for maybe like 4 or 5 hours. Fell asleep. Yeah. Fell asleep. Wake up Friday morning. Just. Yeah. Didn't feel anything else like any other sensations until about one on Friday around that time. And we were about my husband and I was home. My husband was home. We were about to take the dog for a walk at the beach.
00;31;38;13 - 00;32;01;23
Unknown
And so we do that. And then, you know, the sensations start to slowly pick up. And I remember being at the beach, it was really just so beautiful to be at the beach. And every once in a while, like I would lean over and to sort of like, you know, sway my hips and really just, yeah, actually enjoy the contractions at this point.
00;32;01;25 - 00;32;27;06
Unknown
And then we go back to the house and this was maybe like around 5 or 6, and they started to get progressively more intense. And at this point there were so intense that I just, I couldn't eat. Yeah. And then really over the next like course of the next, like, I don't know, 15 or so hours.
00;32;27;09 - 00;32;56;09
Unknown
So basically this was Friday, Friday evening. I didn't sleep all Friday night. I was pretty much, like, wavering between, like, in the bathtub and sort of, like, anywhere, just trying to get comfortable. I just I could not get comfortable anywhere at this point. The sensations were so incredibly intense, so I was just doing my best to move around, move around the house, get in the bath, out of the bath.
00;32;56;11 - 00;33;20;07
Unknown
We were in the bathroom at like 4 a.m. my husband falls asleep and like on the floor of like the bathroom floor. I remember just trying to like. Yeah, persuade him to like, get some sleep. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I woke up Saturday or. No, I basically got, I didn't sleep, so let me just correct that I.
00;33;20;14 - 00;33;25;01
Unknown
It was Saturday morning. The sun came up.
00;33;25;03 - 00;33;57;10
Unknown
Saturday afternoon. I remember just at this point, like not wanting my husband anywhere near me, I locked myself in my room. They began to be so intense that I started throwing up. And yeah, it was. I remember laying in my bed and just asking like, you know, because it's I know many women like feel this way, but it was just like it was so far beyond anything that I had ever experienced.
00;33;57;10 - 00;34;45;18
Unknown
And I, you know, nothing could have prepared me for what I was experiencing. Right. And so I just remember having a conversation with myself, like, what is it that I need to know? Like, this is so fucking hard, like what's going on? And an insight actually came to me of a fear of opening. So basically, like, I just this fear of moving through like the maiden to mother portal and a fear that I actually had not sat with and, and I would say recognizing like in hindsight, in retrospect, you know, not making the time and space for truly like honoring this death to the maiden, you know, of like just how significantly my life was
00;34;45;18 - 00;35;17;25
Unknown
going to shift. And, you know, this insight came to me as I'm giving birth, right? And so, you know, because I felt like I was suffering, like I really felt like, wow. Holy shit. Like, I'm this is so hard. And it was, you know, essentially because of the resistance of the opening, like, I was working against my, my body essentially, which was creating more tension and, you know, more pain, I would say, I don't know.
00;35;17;28 - 00;35;41;01
Unknown
So that was interesting to me. And even though with that insight it didn't really change anything, you know, I was really trying to. Darren, I thought you were going to see it moved into an orgasmic, blissful, pain free version. No, it really, even with that beautiful insight, like, yeah, it didn't change the level of intensity and like the sheer fucking.
00;35;41;03 - 00;36;05;04
Unknown
Yeah, it was just the sensations that I was feeling like it was intense. It was so intense. And I. And I didn't get a break. Like, I just it, you know, I, you know, just hearing other stories of. Yeah, like taking little naps here and there and. Holy shit. No, I couldn't even eat. I couldn't it was so intense and so.
00;36;05;07 - 00;36;34;20
Unknown
Yeah. So that was like Saturday afternoon. And I started to then like this story started to creep in of like this. I'm not progressing. This is not going quick enough because she felt still like so high up and, you know, and I didn't see any sort of like, mucus plug or any sort of like, I don't know, like visuals of like birth starting.
00;36;34;20 - 00;36;57;03
Unknown
And so then I started to get in my head and just this narrative and this story around, like, I'm not progressing started to creep in. So I noticed that and I just like allowed it to be there, you know, still moving through the sensations, just trying to get comfortable again in and out of the bath. And then around it was Saturday evening.
00;36;57;03 - 00;37;16;10
Unknown
I don't know exactly what time it was. My husband checked in with me and had asked, like, do you want me to call be? And it was a very clear like, yes, like I would love her support. I would love her to be here. Perhaps her energy might just help shift things a bit. I have no idea. But I feel like it was like a full body.
00;37;16;10 - 00;37;46;09
Unknown
Yes. And so he called her. She ended up coming. I was in my bathroom, just, like, hunched over, over the vanity. And I remember her coming in just saying, like, this is so hard. And yeah, just having just that beautiful love and her presence. I remember she was like putting pressure on my hips, which felt really good, you know, because at this point I just I really just did not want my husband in around me, touching me.
00;37;46;12 - 00;37;53;25
Unknown
And so, yeah, it was pretty much like moving through it alone and.
00;37;53;27 - 00;38;13;12
Unknown
Yeah. And so her support just felt really beautiful. And at this point too, I just started to get really loud and I remember saying things like, I'm dying. I'm not saying it like really like screaming and just being very vocal and.
00;38;13;14 - 00;38;31;06
Unknown
I'm trying to think if there's anything else sort of like interesting to touch on at this point. Again, just the narrative was still there around, you know, I had shared with her like, she's still like the baby still feels like very high up and, you know, just listening and not making like a thing out of it, you know?
00;38;31;09 - 00;38;58;22
Unknown
And, yeah, again, just moving through these sensations, I remember getting into the bath, like pretty late at night. So this is Saturday evening, and maybe around like 11:00 at night. And so at this point, like, waters had not released like, no other sort of. Yeah. Visual cues of birth happening then obviously the contractions, I knew that it was I knew that it was happening.
00;38;58;22 - 00;39;26;02
Unknown
But yeah. And so I'm in the bath belly down. And it was just so interesting because when I would feel these intense contractions, like I would. So I was in the bath belly down and my legs would like, like very quickly, like move back and forth is almost like it was like a way to help her, like wiggle down the canal, which was really just a very, just interesting.
00;39;26;04 - 00;39;49;14
Unknown
Yeah, like sensation and just like allowing my body like my body just like moved itself that way, which I thought was really interesting. So I just sort of went with it. And it was around 11 at night that I was in the, the bathtub. And I it's like, I swear I heard a pop. Like, if I would bet money on it that I heard a pop.
00;39;49;14 - 00;40;08;19
Unknown
But yeah, it was just this, like really intense, like pop. And I like, remember, like getting up and I was like, did you hear that? And she's like, hear what? And realizing, you know, oh, wow. Like I think my water is released. And so, you know, we had talked about it. And then she's like, do you feel anything?
00;40;08;20 - 00;40;34;06
Unknown
And at that point, you know, I felt down and I could feel a head or yeah, I felt something. I didn't know it was ahead, but I just, I felt something. And so just got so incredibly excited because up until that point, like, it really I didn't feel that sort of movement down into the the birth canal. And so yeah, it was just a really exciting time.
00;40;34;08 - 00;40;54;21
Unknown
And then this is when things just got really intense for me, which was so interesting because then I then like the story of like this is happening to quickly started to creep in because it's like she I didn't know it was a she at this point. But, you know, baby started moving, you know, down the birth canal. I could really feel it and basically like out.
00;40;54;21 - 00;41;19;29
Unknown
And it was just it was happening, you know, so quickly. Right in my like judgment and my in two days. Yeah. And so it was just it's so interesting between, you know, and this is something that I've reflected on which I can go into after. But I'll come back to this, just these narratives that were yeah, just present, I would say like during the birth.
00;41;20;06 - 00;41;53;09
Unknown
And so yeah. So after that essentially. Yeah. Just these like intense contractions and around like 1145 she, I just got this like really powerful strong intense contraction. And she like legit shot out like halfway. Well and so I was in the bathtub and yeah. So for I would say ten or so minutes like she was underwater just like chillin, hanging out like halfway in, halfway out.
00;41;53;13 - 00;42;17;27
Unknown
B took a video of this. So it's like, it's so beautiful to have this video of her. Just like my husband, you know, said, like he saw her with her eyes open and like her little hand, like reaching up. So it was a really beautiful moment that they had together. And I just wanted to allow the next contraction or the next contractions to guide her out.
00;42;17;27 - 00;42;44;14
Unknown
So I was literally like in the video, just I don't think I would have remembered this, to be completely honest, if I didn't have the video to track back and actually watch because I was just. Yeah, as you just in another realm, like I was just not. Yeah, I just, I don't think I would have remembered this. And so just doing my best to breathe deeply and just, you know, allow the next contraction to guide her out.
00;42;44;14 - 00;43;15;01
Unknown
And so after ten or so minutes, yeah, it happened and she just yeah, basically like slithered out and I picked her up and put her on my chest and rubbed her back. And yeah, it was just so ecstatic, you know, just ecstatic that I had this baby in my arms. And just remember, you know, after sort of like rubbing her back, she was on my shoulder, rubbing her back.
00;43;15;07 - 00;43;41;27
Unknown
I looked at her, looked in her eyes, and she, like, let out this cute little cry. Or I put her. I actually put her over my arm and like, you know, rubbed her back because she hadn't made a noise or a sound yet. So it was just rubbing, rubbing her back. And then when I looked at her again and, you know, I saw that she was a girl and basically, you know, it was just like beyond ecstatic and put her back on my shoulder.
00;43;41;29 - 00;44;03;23
Unknown
And then that's when she just let out the most adorable, cute little cry. And my dog was present for the whole thing, you know, watched her emerge and which I thought was just really beautiful because they have the most wonderful relationship now. And I think that has a big piece to it. Yeah. And it was beautiful. My husband was there.
00;44;03;23 - 00;44;23;10
Unknown
He watched, you know, once the water is released and like, you know, I had a feeling that things were going to like we were going to have a baby in our arms soon, you know, he came into the bathroom and B had actually left until that moment where, you know, she shot out halfway and be filmed that which was just.
00;44;23;12 - 00;44;49;01
Unknown
I'm so grateful that I actually have that to look back on and to witness. So yeah, here I am. You know, we're both just like beyond this is just. Yeah, I mean, I don't even have words for it, right? Because it was just just the magic and like, the power and the euphoria, the bliss was just beyond anything I had ever experienced in my life.
00;44;49;01 - 00;45;28;19
Unknown
So basking in that was just a whole nother level and a whole nother dimension and realm I feel like I was in. So yeah. So after a few minutes I got out of the tub. B and my husband helped me into our bedroom. Yeah. And I was just I was there with baby and after about 45 minutes, you know, be had asked like, you know, I think it's time if you want to just sort of check to see if the placenta is ready to emerge.
00;45;28;19 - 00;45;54;05
Unknown
And. Yeah. So then I went back into the bathroom, got into the bathtub. I gave it some gentle tugs, essentially, and it came out, looked at it. It was like the most gorgeous. Yeah. Just gave some time just to sort of like look at it and observe it. And I just remember seeing just like, yeah, these beautiful shades of like, like Violet.
00;45;54;05 - 00;46;23;29
Unknown
And it was just so beautiful. And we ended up doing like a partial lotus birth my husband was in charge of, like, taking care of the placenta and, yeah. And so we kept aura. My daughter attached the placenta for a few days until it just felt right to, to cut it. We were hoping that it would it would fall out on its own, but it just that it's not how it happened.
00;46;23;29 - 00;46;55;11
Unknown
So we ended up clipping it. But yeah, I mean, it was it was like blissful. It was amazing. The next day, you know, be helped clean up and, you know, she left, she stayed in my hometown. And the next day she came. She brought a huge pot of and just it was so beautiful to feel beautiful, to feel nurtured in that way, you know, coming back, checking in, bringing us this beautiful meal.
00;46;55;14 - 00;47;03;27
Unknown
Yeah. And we were just literally just in baby bliss at that point. Yeah.
00;47;04;00 - 00;47;33;08
Unknown
And nursing. Nursing. Easy peasy. It was not. Yeah. The first few weeks did feel easy until, you know, it felt like she left my the baby lot was like losing a lot of weight and not. Yeah, just not fully. I would say this is like, maybe like, more like four or so for or six weeks. Yeah.
00;47;33;10 - 00;47;57;05
Unknown
Just feeling like she was just not getting the amount of milk that, that she needed. And, you know, for me to there was a lot of like, guilt there because I had actually had pierced my nipples quite a few times, twice before. And so there was definitely scarring there. And so that could have had something to do with it.
00;47;57;05 - 00;48;31;05
Unknown
And then also finding out that she had, I was told she had like lip, tongue and buckle ties, which was a really difficult process for me to go through. So yeah, that was actually very, very, very challenging for me. So what'd you do? I ended up, yeah, just seeking advice and the sort of like experts and just.
00;48;31;06 - 00;48;35;22
Unknown
Yeah, receiving guidance around.
00;48;35;24 - 00;49;03;00
Unknown
Yeah. Essentially. Like doing surgery to release the lip, the lip buckle and tongue ties, which in hindsight, I don't know if I would have done, to be completely honest. Yeah. Did it not helped the nursing? It did a bit. However, it's like just what I know now and having some practitioners that I have now, you know, just we had just moved to that area.
00;49;03;00 - 00;49;28;07
Unknown
I didn't really know that, like holistic practitioners, I didn't really have a lot of resources. And, you know, the resources that I was guided to, again, I would not change a thing. I was just again, in just a different place and didn't have the access to the resources that I do now. And yeah. I am not what do you mean?
00;49;28;08 - 00;50;04;01
Unknown
Like, what would you do now? What's the big lesson? What did you learn? Yeah. So right now we do see a cranial sacral therapist that I truly believe. Like, if I had gone to her and done a lot of body work, that it could have been potentially, again, I don't know. I can only speculate. That could have helped with a lot of tension that was contributing to perhaps like not being able to have like the sucking mechanism that would really support her to get the amount of milk that she needed.
00;50;04;01 - 00;50;42;02
Unknown
So again, I have no idea. It could have been a combination of the scars that I had on my nipples and potentially, you know, just the mechanisms of her mouth. I have no idea. Right. But what happened, happened. And that's just the way it happened. And it was immensely stressful and yeah, challenging for me to navigate that newly was part of and obviously not wanting to not obviously, but surgery was just not in the realm of what, you know, what I like, wanted to do.
00;50;42;04 - 00;51;09;26
Unknown
And it was just very highly suggested. And I was just in such a state of fear and didn't really know what to do. At that point. I was really in like terror, fear and wanted so badly to, yeah, nourish my baby in this way. And so just a lot of my own insecurities, I would say, came up around that, you know, of my own like, inadequacy and.
00;51;09;28 - 00;51;42;04
Unknown
Yeah. So, yeah, so did I figure it out or did you stop? We did. We figured it out. Yes. And it's really interesting, Emilee, because as soon as I made that decision, a lot of it was stress related. I will say is in retrospect, because as soon as I, I remember making the decision of, like, this is literally breaking me because I remember, you know, pumping like around the clock, doing everything that I, that I was in my power to, like, produce more milk.
00;51;42;05 - 00;52;05;01
Unknown
And I remember just making the decision of like, okay, like I'm just going to start making raw milk formula and, you know, that's it. Like, I feel like I tried everything that I could have tried, everything that was either in my consciousness to try and after making that decision, and I can't remember if at this point I bought all the ingredients I did.
00;52;05;01 - 00;52;41;18
Unknown
I bought all of the ingredients for a raw milk formula. Just something inside of me shifted. It was kind of like that. There was so much resistance, and after making that decision, it was just kind of like a relief, like an exhale, like, wow, okay. And I just let go of so much pressure that I was putting on myself to, like, make this work and make this happen, that I would say that was when the major shift actually happened, where I felt just more openness and more flow.
00;52;41;20 - 00;53;11;00
Unknown
Yeah. And then just really felt into her being able to, you know, get more milk, but also just really feeling like, yeah. And again, it could have been a story that but she wasn't getting enough milk, you know, that she was still, you know, undernourished and not that she was like super skinny. But yeah, I think again, it was just my own sort of insecurities, my own narratives of like, yeah, her not getting enough milk and me not producing enough milk, whatever that means, right?
00;53;11;01 - 00;53;56;24
Unknown
I had nothing to compare it to. Right. So I was just going based on. Yeah, what I knew. It makes me think about how common the story is when a mom is told she's infertile or believes the story, that she's infertile, and then like the day she, you know, adopts or the day she signs up for foster or whatever, she gets pregnant, you know, like that, that common narrative for sure, because it's like, yeah, I mean, I can only speak for myself, but the amount of pressure I was putting myself, you know, on myself to, you know, yeah, to breastfeed her in a certain way, it was like pretty profound.
00;53;56;24 - 00;54;14;01
Unknown
And it had a significant impact, obviously, on my physiology. I felt it. Felt it. Yeah. So she's three ish three. She'll be three and a half in September. Yes. I got to meet her at MRF this summer. Yeah.
00;54;14;04 - 00;54;37;22
Unknown
He like carried her the entire time I did I did and after that I feeling shy. What was the deal? Yeah, she was, she was just she just wanted me to carry her around. And so I just I did. Yeah so I did. And after that I told her sorry sorry kid. Like, yeah mom can't carry you around anymore.
00;54;37;23 - 00;54;58;01
Unknown
So that was our last hurrah. Yeah. Yeah. I hope you enjoyed it. Because that was the last of mom carrying you. I guess that is. That is, you know, a real standout piece of only having one kid. Like, there's no one carries their three and a half year old if they have more kids, you know, because they're on to the carrying the next one.
00;54;58;02 - 00;55;18;20
Unknown
So yeah. Tell us about that. Like the knowing you're done. I think that's an interesting piece. So many women ask me like, how do you know when you're done? Or how do you know when you're ready for more? And, you, you are very clear that you're a one and done, kiddo. So tell us about that. Yeah. Very clear.
00;55;18;20 - 00;55;48;12
Unknown
And I honestly, I, I can say that I don't think it's because I'm 44, so I'm 44, my husband's 49. I really don't think that's why. But it could unconsciously play a part in it. I'm not sure it really is just this full body knowing, like, I, I don't want to consciously conceive another child. Like I'm so happy.
00;55;48;15 - 00;56;04;20
Unknown
I feel like my family is complete. You know, I, I feel like this next sort of stage in my life is very much like birthing something else into the world. Like how?
00;56;04;22 - 00;56;33;12
Unknown
Yeah, it's. Yeah, I'm just, like, destined to, like, birth something else. And I sort of feel it around, like this land that we have and this house that we want to build. And, you know, I very much. See, you know, also having a year and creating, you know, a community around that and that just feels so alive and that just feels where I want to channel a lot of my energy.
00;56;33;12 - 00;56;45;22
Unknown
So that and then also in the way that I support women and the way I support in the world, like I just feel such a strong.
00;56;45;25 - 00;57;20;12
Unknown
Let's just say like, like pull and draw to to that type of work that, that sort of like, yeah, where am I sort of passion lies right now. And so the thought of having another child, you know, when I like feel into it, it just it doesn't excite me. And so, you know, for me that is such a huge cue of okay, then I, you know, if the thought of not having another child like, truly lights me up, you know, and excites me, then you know, that's not right for me, right?
00;57;20;12 - 00;57;44;24
Unknown
Because there's so many other things. When I tap into that, I get so excited and just, yeah, just feel so much joy around that. For me, that's such a an answer to, you know, my own internal question of like, do we want more children right now? I'm not going to say like next week or next month. That's not going to change.
00;57;44;27 - 00;58;13;07
Unknown
But where I am right now, I'm certain that it's not in the cards for me right now. Well, just planting a seed here. We have a yurt for sale, so when you're ready, we have a 30ft, you know, like the largest one that we never wound up erecting on the land that we'll need to sell to somebody. Okay.
00;58;13;08 - 00;58;35;03
Unknown
Is it the same company? Because I ended up. Okay, cool. All right. Because I reached out to them, you gave me that contact, and I did reach out to him. All right. Yeah. It's the same year as the ones that we have. Except the color is different. And maybe a window is. The windows are different. Anyway, let me know.
00;58;35;03 - 00;59;20;21
Unknown
Cool, cool. Good to know. Okay, so I guess I want to end with one last question. So how would you say that birthing your baby in this sovereign way has changed you and has evolved you as a woman? Oh my goodness, what a beautiful question. I mean, so profoundly like I just so profoundly because the whole process was really like a deepening into my inner knowing and trusting my inner knowing and taking action and making decisions based on what I know to be true, you know, my intuition and what feels right.
00;59;20;21 - 00;59;51;15
Unknown
And so this was just, I would say, the start of following that path. Right? You know it well, what catalyzed it? And I say, you know, was what I had mentioned, like the my mom crossing over and making those decisions. And this was sort of the first, you know, major life decision where I actually, like, walked that path and felt what it felt like to make the decisions that felt true in aligning.
00;59;51;15 - 01;00;16;22
Unknown
And it was just such a beautiful process in that deepening into this knowing and my power and my truth. And, you know, I will say it definitely is a part of what we talked about in the beginning of it's one thing to like, trust and have that inner knowing, it's another to fully embody it and be able to articulate it.
01;00;16;22 - 01;00;49;01
Unknown
And if someone else has like a different opinion or something, you know, feeling confident that I can still stand my ground and stand my truth despite a difference of opinions or narratives or someone living in a sort of different world. And so I think it just it was just part of that process to really step in to power and step into authenticity and truth and following.
01;00;49;03 - 01;00;52;17
Unknown
Yeah. Following my path.
01;00;52;20 - 01;01;13;23
Unknown
Yeah. Another thing actually, that's coming up, if I could share because it sort of I'm pretty sure it came from you of saying we birth how we live. Is that right? Oh, it's like an old everyone. Okay. It's like a, it's like a in the birth world, everyone says it kind of okay, I don't know why. Yeah. Why?
01;01;13;25 - 01;01;38;14
Unknown
Well, then I remember first hearing it from you. Because in reflecting on how that was accurate for my own birth, it was just really beautiful to recognize just in my own life. Like how much I was in resistance to life. Right? And just in that whole narrative of like, it's not happening fast enough, and just in that story of like, judgment and, you know, basically like judging the progression of the birth.
01;01;38;15 - 01;01;57;12
Unknown
Right? And at the end when it again, this is all me labeling that it was like happening so fast and, you know, like judging it like this is happening. I remember like literally like this is happening too quick. And at one point, which I didn't mention, like putting my hand on her head, like to almost like slow her down from coming out so quickly.
01;01;57;14 - 01;02;18;26
Unknown
Right. And so, yeah, in that reflection of really seeing holy like, wow, I how that plays out in my life. Like how I'm in resistance to what is and how that has impacted my life, right? How much judgment I bring in. And yes, of course, this is like a natural human thing. Like this is just what we do, right?
01;02;18;28 - 01;02;51;07
Unknown
However, it was just such a beautiful reflection and portal of opportunity for me to recognize how much I actually do it. Beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you so much. Yeah. Thank you. Your time. Yeah. It's really beautiful to, you know, three and a half years later to chat with you about it and reflect on it. And, you know, I'm just going to emphasize like this whole process really was.
01;02;51;09 - 01;03;16;12
Unknown
Yeah, deepening into connection to myself and a deepening into being rooted and grounded and personal power. And, you know, I just really do have you to thank, like, immense gratitude for you and what you've created, because that really just helped me anchor into and trust that you know, what I know to be true for myself can be a reality.
01;03;16;12 - 01;03;40;27
Unknown
And there are other women doing it, you know? So just yeah, a deep bowl of gratitude to you and for you for helping me see what's possible and providing so many stories that provided inspiration for me to stay rooted and grounded in my truth and what I know is possible for me and my family. So thank you. So welcome.
01;03;40;29 - 01;04;05;12
Unknown
All right, women, I hope you enjoyed the show today. You can support this podcast by donating to it through the link in the show notes below. And of course leaving an awesome review on whatever platform you listen on. The more reviews, the more visibility the show gets. So let's spread the good word of free birth. Don't forget, you can watch all of my podcast interviews on YouTube and see the women as they tell their birth and power stories.
01;04;05;12 - 01;04;26;15
Unknown
And you will also find our viral, free worth collection of epic Raw Birth videos on our YouTube channel. So make sure you're subscribed! We always have a lot going on at Free Birth Society, and you can find out about all of it at free Versus. And I am at Free Birth Society on Instagram. Please opt in to my newsletter below so that you don't miss a thing.
01;04;26;19 - 01;04;52;13
Unknown
We offer courses on free birth, sovereign birth work as well as one on one coaching, women's retreats so much. Our exclusive private vetted membership. The Lighthouse is definitely something to check out. If you were looking for a community of wise sisters to get guidance from and to meet in real life, together we rise. Sisters, we must speak our stories, fully, claim our lives, and support one another.
01;04;52;14 - 01;04;58;13
Unknown
This is the living revolution and I am so grateful to be in it with all of you. Till next time.
